Dear Andy

Dear Andy,

Someone once said that early September brings out the kind of bright blue skies that people who love New York love most about New York. The skies are not only magnificently blue but they also have a light, crystalline hue that gives the illusion of seemingly infinite visibility. The brightness of the late summer sun always makes this one of the most beautiful times of the year. You never really see a sky like this any other time of the year. 

Sometimes I wish I could enjoy it more.

After the exuberant days of summer have passed like a fading star in the wake of yet another festive Labor Day weekend, I always find myself quietly sinking into a palpable state of unease. A sense of sadness envelops me and I tend to withdraw into myself.

On the surface, everything seems normal but, deep down inside, I know that I'm really only going through the motions. Nobody except those closest to me can feel the subtle change in my demeanor. But I know it's there. I can feel it. It's like an unnamed pathos inhibiting a part of me. Something is missing. 

What's missing is you, my friend. 

Twelve years later, I still mourn your passing. For better or worse, I choose to embrace the grieving because I don't ever want to let go of you. I hate the word closure. It's total bullshit. It implies an end to something that shouldn't ever end. You don't get closure on trauma, loss, or the impact of human cruelty. The sadness becomes part of you and you use the experience to frame how you want to live your life. Closure is a myth. Fuck closure. 

I spoke to your mom yesterday, Andy. We talked about how we're all not getting together this year to both mourn and celebrate you. People are busy with their work, their lives, their kids. Maybe it would be best if we all try and forget about how much we miss you.

Then we both sighed, knowing that none of us who really knew you well would ever get over losing you.

Nor should we. 

The great irony of my life is that whenever I was depressed, you were always the one to cheer me up. One of my favorite stories about you is the time I found myself in a dark mood, alone in my apartment. You knew I was in avoidance mode but you persisted in calling me until I was finally forced to pick up the phone. You told me to come over to your and Kyle's aparment at once. You weren't taking no for an answer. 

As I arrived at your building and exited the elevator on your floor, I immediately found a trail of vodka shots leading to your front door. It was like a demented Hunter S. Thomson version of Hansel and Gretel. By the time the door opened and I saw that big amazing smile of yours, I already felt better. Suddenly, my problems seemed trivial and worlds away. Nobody ever cheered me up like you did. Nobody could ever ask for a more loyal friend. Nobody ever had a better ally. 

I wish you were still around, Andy. I'm engaged to an amazing woman Tara and between the two of us, we have these three incredible little girls. You and Tara would adore each other. In a way, her infectious smile, generous heart, and incredible spirit remind me of you. Those are rare traits, my friend. 

But more importantly, I always think about how much our girls would absolutely LOVE their Uncle Andy. My God, they would be crazy about you. Even though you're gone, Andy, just thinking about the girls begging me to have you over for dinner so they could clamor for your attention brings a smile to your face. 

Imagining you were still in my life today is often the only thing that ever really gets me through this time of year. I'll never forget you, my friend. You'll always be a part of my family. You'll always have a special place in my heart. You'll always bring a smile to my face. 

I miss and love you, Andy.

As always,

Pierre

 

Andrew Golkin, 1970-2001

 

Comments

[Marci]

Poignant as always, Pierre. Can't believe it's been 12 years.

[Alison]

I always love reading your annual tribute to your friend. This was beautiful. Best to you.

[Jamie]

Beautifully said.

[Celeste]

I always come here on this day to read your letter to Andy. This memorial is the only one that resonates with me. Beautiful letter, and congratulations on your happy news.

[MT]

Friends like Andy are one in a million. Thanks for the amazing post, MD.

[John Theodore]

Thanks Pierre.

Miss you Andy.

[Susan Greenstadt]

Pierre
Your beautiful words enter the heart and
warm the family and friends that miss him.
Thank you
Susie

[Pattie Lee]

Thank you for helping us to get to know Andy via your letters to him. It's easy to see what an amazing friend, son, and person he was, and why he is still so loved and missed. Take care, friend.

[Glennia]

Damn you, MetroDad! You've made me cry at work. Again. What a rare and special friend you had. What a rare and special friend Andy had in you. Love to all of you.

[DefendUSA]

This morning I remembered...I was not a day late or a week late. There was nobody up. I thought of you and your friend. I never had a friend who would make a trail of shots for me. That's awesome! Just as I remember 9/11 every time I get in my car, I now remember you, Pierre and Andy. Two people I don't personally know. Andy is smiling down. I. know. it.

[Amy Kim]

Beautiful.

[Kaz]

Like others, I always think of you and Andy this day. While many of us mourn for those we lost this day who we never knew, I always think of you and your friend, and it makes this day more personal for me.

I hope you find strength in other places now, as well as in your memories. Remember, your readers are always here for you when you need us, as well!

[Lisa]

I've enjoyed your blog for a long time, but don't check as often as I used to now that you're writing much less there. You and your friend Andy were in my thoughts today though. I was certain you would continue to honour him with your annual post. I'm so glad you did. As always, beautifulky written. Thank you for sharing your memories of Andy with us,

[Devra]

Here. As I am every year. Reading your letter to Andy and bearing witness to the memories you share about him, as well as how you bring him into the present to share your life as it is now. Congratulations on the engagement!

[Dadcation]

I should have closed the door to my office before reading this.

I'm sorry for your loss...Andy clearly was a righteous dude.

[Brave Astronaut]

It doesn't seem right to say that I enjoy reading these letters each year. Enjoy isn't the right word. As a New Yorker, now living in Maryland, I, too, remember this tragic event each year.

Your letters to Andy each year are a moving and poignant tribute to him and to all that we lost on that day.

In the past, I have pointed my own readers to your blog so they can also read your letters to Andy. I'm glad you're still here to remember Andy and also glad to read your great news.

Be well,
Brave Astronaut
http://braveastronaut.blogspot.com/

[Deanna]

I knew you would be here...honoring your friend, breaking my heart all over again. Thank you for being here, and being you. xo

[SassyCupcakes]

I'm another here who thinks of you and Andy at this time of year. As an Australian watching on tv from far away that day, it was surreal, and really still is. It doesn't make sense how something like that could happen. Since then we've had fires through here and every day I look out the window and see the mountains where 173 people were killed in one day. It's not the same, but I agree, closure is bullshit. It's terrifying that these people who are loved and give so much to the world can just be taken and then somehow gone forever. I don't want to ever forget the people who died up on the mountain. And I know I will forever remember Andy, and why it's so important to be a great friend and to treasure those who are great friends to us.

[Michael Port]

Pierre, thank you so much for sharing this.

- Michael

[Isabelle]

This is so touching, it's brought tears to my eyes. I wish I had friends who would remember me so fondly were I ever to depart early from this life. Thank you. You're amazing.

[The Seoul Girl]

Thanks for sharing Pierre. I knew you'd write today... Also, congratulations on your engagement! I'm sure your friend would have been so happy for you...

[Julie G]

Yet another beautiful tribute to your friend Andy. I too, thought about both of you this morning, actually for the past week or so. I knew you would write another moving, heartfelt letter. I believe Andy was lucky to have you in his life as well. The world could use a few more guys like you! Sending love from Baton Rouge. God Bless you Pierre.

[Jene]

I'm touched by your loving tribute. Blessings to you and your new family. Andy lives through you.

[DefendUSA]

I keep thinking and hoping that this post, if it ends up being the only one you ever do in a year eventually, that for a lifetime would be so fucking awesome!
Look at how you have others thinking and reflecting on that day. It makes such a difference...more than you know.
Yesterday, at 10:28-- I got out of my car and I stood with my flag fabric in my hands, and I thought of your post again. For Andy. For you.

[Janelle]

Congratulations on your engagement!

I'm sure that sound you hear is hearts breaking all over the internet. Tara is a lucky woman. I'm happy for all of you.

Thanks again for writing this moving tribute to your dear friend. It reminds us that everyone of those lives lost on 9/11 impacted so many more.

[Breanne]

I'm always so glad to see that you've written. Your tribute this year was as touching as ever and through your words over many of these blogging years I feel I've grown to know Andy. I can tell he was an amazing friend and that yours was a special friendship.

I know he's with you in your life and he's congratulating you on your engagement. As am I, congratulations to you and Tara and your three gorgeous girls.

[Gloria]

This brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing your heart with us all.

[Pallavi]

And you always make us tear up at this time of the year, MD! What an amazing friend Andy must have been for you to have such strong feelings about him after 12 years! We need more people like him and like in the world.

[Nicole]

This is such a lovely and moving tribute to your friend. You really write beautifully, MD. Why aren't you doing this for a living?

[Melissa]

I've been a long time lurker and I think of you and your friend Andy on 9/11 every year. A heartbreaking and lovely post as always.

Also, congrats on the engagement :)

[Flo]

Pierre!
You made me cry too!
I need to know more about Andy

[Mel]

Always love this tribute to your friend. And congrats on your engagement!

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