CHAOS THEORY: October 2012

It's a dark and rainy night in NYC. The Girlfriend is in Europe for work. And after a long weekend of solo parenting three young girls, I just want to lie down on the couch, crack open a bottle of wine, and watch some seriously bad television.

Before I get drunk and turn on the Mets game (the very definition of bad television,) I thought I'd share some quick thoughts with all of you.

 

SPEAKING OF WINE...

Before the summer ended, the Girlfriend and I took all the girls on a fantastic two-week vacation to visit her parents in Ireland.

In a way, it’s a shame I don’t live in Ireland. Here in America, if you’re drinking in a bar at 11:00 am, it means you’re an alcoholic. Over there, it means you’re a country gentlemen, an artist or a farmer. One thing I've learned about myself over the years is that there are very few things I enjoy more than drinking wine during the day.

Here at home, I find my schedule ill-suited to the rigourous demands of serious daytime drinking. I once read that binge drinking is defined as having “five or more drinks in one sitting.” I’m sorry, but in Ireland, that's called "lunch." Thankfully, a bottle of wine is only four drinks so I'm able to temper my oenophilia back in the States. Everything in moderation, my friends.

Or maybe I just need to move to Ireland. 

 

AND TELEVISION

Tonight, I've come to the conclusion that between work, the kids, The Girlfriend, and everything else in my life, I'm not watching nearly as much television as I should.

Lots of people today complain that they would like to have more time to spend with their family. I, on the other hand, complain that I’d like to have more time to watch television.

For example: I’ve never watched a single episode of Homeland. It’s supposed to be an awesome show. Like, really awesome. Maybe even better than Breaking Bad, which I also haven’t seen. I should be watching that too. I also haven’t seen Boardwalk Empire, Portlandia, Game of Thrones, True Blood, The Tudors or all of Mad Men. I’ll probably regret missing those shows when I’m old, much in the same way a lot of old people regret things like working less, having the courage to express their true feelings, or staying in touch with good friends. Screw that. Not watching more television truly makes me sad.

Unsurprisingly, the girls love television as much as I do. However, being outnumbered 4-1, this means my television diet consists mainly of Glee, So You Think You Can Dance, and The Voice. This is no fucking way for a man to live.

A stronger man might throw out the TV and become one of those insufferable people who brag about never watching TV. I hate people like that. Watch too much TV and yes, you’re a loser. But if you don’t watch any TV at all, then you’re a douche and I don’t want to know you.

So what to do? Do I get my own TV? Do I force the girls to watch what I want to watch? Do I love TV more than my own family?

It probably depends on what’s on.

 

KOREANS & THE IRISH

By the way, my trip to Ireland only confirmed my long-standing belief that the Koreans and the Irish share a special affinity. More often than not, people call us the "Irish of the East." We're stubborn, hard-working people with chips on our shoulders and a reputation for being tough, mean, chain-smoking drunks. We're quick to fight and (sometimes) quick to forgive.

We love boozing, singing, eating potato pancakes, spouting poetry in long drunken monologues, and getting into fights (preferably all on the same night.) Our people share a history of oppression from neighboring imperialistic countries and have a homeland still divided by politics. We both have a healthy disregard for authority. We'd kill or die for our families. 

 And nobody eats more fucking cabbage than we do.

Needless to say, I felt right at home.

 

FLYING THE (TOO) FRIENDLY SKIES

Is there any other activity besides air travel that combines so many different elements of unpleasantness in so many varying degrees? What else affords you the opportunity to sample from an emotional smorgasbord containing everything from mere boredom to abject terror?

The wonderful cuisine; the comfortable seats; the fresh cabin air...I could go on for days.

On our Dublin-NYC flight, the stewardess announced that four members of the Sweet Adelaines were on board and we were about to be "honored" by an in-flight performance. For those of you who don't know, Sweet Adelaines is "a worldwide organization of women singers committed to advancing the musical art form of barbershop harmony."

I'd rather listen to a dog bark at a fucking crow than endure the sounds of a barbershop quartet. It's bad enough United was charging me $7.00 for a crappy Bloody Mary but now I had to endure the aural equivalent of waterboarding? You should have seen the looks on our girls' faces. As their inflight movies were paused, all three of them took off their headphones, threw up their hands, and gave me the WTF face.

As payback, I tried to convince The Girlfriend to tell the flight attendants that I was a famous Korean rapper named MC Vanilla Rice and that I'd be more than happy to freestyle some rhymes for my fellow passengers. Gangnam style, yo.

She wouldn't go for it.

 

THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN INVENTED BY NOW

1. Pillows that constantly stay cool.
2. Invisible socks.
3. Skype in hologram form.
4. Light sabers.
5. Home dry-cleaning.

 

BOOKS I'VE READ LATELY

To paraphrase my boy Kanye West, "Does anybody read real shit anymore?"

"Lionel Asbo: State of England" by Martin Amis

Will any of Amis' novels stand the test of time? As a fan of his work as a journalist and critic, that's the question I kept asking after reading his eagerly-anticipated book about a Dickensian thug who wins the lottery. As always, Amis' writing crackles with witty prose, scathing satire, and flashes of brilliance, yet I was ultimately disappointed. His memoir, Experience, and his criticism, have been far superior to any of his novels since London Fields.

"Canada" by Richard Ford

When we think about the great American books of the early 21st century, Canada may be right up there. In this stark novel about a boy's life changed when his parents make the unlikely decision to rob a bank, Ford displays the skills of a linguistic master at the top of his game. This beautiful book reminds us why he may be our best living author. He writes with a confident, meticulous style that tenderly describes what it means to grow up in America. Ford's empathy, insight and descriptive narratives alone are worth reading.

"A Hologram for the King" by Dave Eggers

While I don't often read book reviews, the NY Times coverage of Egger's latest book was so effusively praising that I felt compelled to read it. The book follows the yearnings and disappointments of a downsized sales executive hoping to score a major technology contract. It's a bluntly simple narrative that lacks any emotional fullness. The writing is as uninteresting as the protagonist.

Currently reading: D.T. Max's Every Story is a Ghost Story: A Life of David Foster Wallace. While lacking the captivating prose of a great biography, it has a certain encyclopedic quality that is sure to galvanize DFW fanatics.

 

MY DINNER WITH ANDRE

While I am writing this and getting drunk and listening to my ipod, Yo Yo Ma just segued into The Notorious B.I.G. It made me wish that this playlist were a dinner party. I would either cook or make reservations for the three of us at a cool neighborhood restaurant where we could discuss the nature of life. Afterwards, we could all drink tequila and play round-robin backgammon.

 

THE DOWNSIDE OF DIVORCE

Being divorced parents who share custody of our children with our ex-spouses, The Girlfriend and I frequently talk about how greatly we underestimated the extent of the pain we'd feel when we weren't with our kids all of the time.

Don't get me wrong. We're both comfortable with our divorces and have no regrets about the choices we made. We may not have known it at the time but, in the end, we think they were decisions that will make us, our kids, and our former spouses ultimately much happier over the long term.

Yet you can't possibly imagine the overwhelming sense of withdrawal we have over the girls when we're not with them. If the girls were our romantic crushes instead of our kids, we'd spend all our time looking them up on Google, checking out their Facebook pages, riding our bikes past their house, dialing their numbers and hanging up before the phone even rings. It's a painful physical and emotional longing that scorches our emotions of guilt, remorse, sadness, shame, pity, anger, fear, and sorrow. 

Sure, there are times when we're all together and the girls are driving us so crazy that we sometimes turn hypocritical and want a break from the non-stop Mardi Gras festival that is our life as a co-mingled family living in close quarters.

But you can't imagine how painful it is, after an amazing week with them, to have to send them to their other parents as we hold them tightly to our chests and whisper in their ears, "See you in a few days, darlings. We love and miss you more than you can ever know."

It's the hardest thing I ever have to do and it breaks my heart every time.

These are my girls...

 

Comments

[jjdaddyo]

Forget all that, what are you guys all dressing as for Halloween?

[Janelle]

Once again, this post pretty much sums up why I love you.

[Dadcation]

Glad to finally hear about Ireland, since you dissed those of us who flew to NYC for BlogHer in favor of Ireland. Sounds like you won.

I'm the same way re: TV. Haven't seen any of those gems. Usually, I work, write, or go out drinking at night after the children go to bed instead, which isn't bad, though.

[Jen B]

Your girls are beautiful, MD.

As a woman who got divorced a year ago, I can't tell you how much it hurts only having my kids half the time. I feel like I'm missing so much in their lives. The pain is unbearable.

I don't regret my divorce (AT ALL!) but I wish I'd known how much I'd miss my kids.

Not that it would change anything...

[Tara McCulloch]

They smack of the truth, your comparisons of Koreans and the Irish. However, my mother used to tell me: "Koreans are the Irish of THE ORIENT." She still refers to herself as an "ORIENTAL." What's wrong with that?" she wonders. Loved your post.

[Hailey]

Beautiful photo of your family.

[Cdvillasenor]

iPad + Netflix + Noice-cancelling headphones = Dad TV. It works like a champ. Sit on the couch with them while they watch Glee and catch up on what you want to watch.

[MetroDude]

Gangnam Style? You crack me up. Great piece.

As one who has watched TOO much television lately - you ain't missing anything, my friend. One exception - the Daily Show during the conventions. That was actually pure genius.

[M]

Awesome post MD!

[Eleanor]

You're my favorite writer. This was all fantastic.

[Kevin (Always Home and Uncool)]

RA Dickey pitched last night so the Mets game officially moved up mediocre TV.

[Paul]

Yeah! Halloween!

[Leannekoh]

I feel the same way about TV. You have kids, I have the graveyard shift. Now I watch morning talk shows and skinny Drew Carey on The Price is Right.

I agree about the cool pillows, I always flip mine throughout the night to get the cold side.

My parents divorced when I was in 1st grade. My mom used to say that she was happy when we were with our dad so that she could get a break. I wonder if the other feeling is true, if she ever wished we didn't go to our dad's place. Being Chinese and not sharing our emotions, it wouldn't be something I'd ask her now.

Glad you're able to express your feelings to Peanut, she'll remember it in the long run.

[Rachel]

Yeah, why aren't there invisible socks? I'd buy the shit out of those.

[Maggie]

In re: a pillow that stays cold, I delurk to point you to this. I only learned about this when I was 9+ months pregnant in July and a hot pillow became unacceptable.

http://www.chillowstore.com/

[Issa]

Give it five years and all the great shows from today will be on Netflix. This is what I tell myself at least, as I am currently just starting Weeds.

Your girls are adorable and oh how I understand the custody thing. We have a 50/50 split and it works and my kids are healthy and happy and all that. Still...i get it.

[ray lee]

My advice is to get 2 TVs. They're cheaper than buying a pair of prescription glasses these days.

And are you sure they haven't invented pillows that stay cool?

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Sean D.]

MC Vanilla Rice? Bwahahaha!!!

[David]

Most of those shows are on the ipad app for the various networks. Watch them in your bedroom while the kids watch Glee! I am sure that you have a sweet pair of humungous headphones to wear because the sound out of the tiny ipad speakers sucks!!

[Gabrielle]

This is why you're my internet crush.

[Kelli]

So entertaining! I love your perspective on family life.

[Isabel]

Do any of your kids go to PS 41?

I thought I'd seen you and the Peanut there a few times. Hard to tell because I only know you from the photos that you post here.

If that's you, don't be surprised next time a stranger comes up to you and tells you how much she loves your writing!

When are you going to write a book?

[Bee]

How cute is this photo?? You guys are great parents to the girls.

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

Well, there is this:
http://www.amazon.com/Chillow-604232777510-®-Comfort-Device/dp/B0000V0E14

But, I have to admit that it kinda sucks. It works, as long as you move your head from place to place so that the Chillow gets air exposure. But it's heavy, because it's, you know, filled with WATER. Which means it has a tendency to flatten your pillow, which I really don't care for. However, yes. There exists a pillow-device thingy that keeps the pillow cool. I used it on my feet in the winter, which is great for those of us who have the thermostat-foot thing (where you can cool your overheated self off if only you can expose just that one foot...), but like I mentioned, it only works if you can give it air exposure, so it warms up after a while if it's under the covers. Great idea, but still needs some work.

[L.]

I'm sooooooo jealous whenever I read that anyone I know is getting divorced. (...wistful sigh...)

Your girls are beautiful!

[Hanni]

Yes...Homeland is all kinds of AWESOME. You're missing out!!!

[Jessica]

My dad is Irish and my mom is Korean. We spent the entire weekend discussing and laughing about your post. Everyone agrees with you!!!

[JMom]

I know ths pain. It does get better or easier. Or, something. Mine are late teens and early twenties now - there's a kind of fluid backing and forthing, as and when they wish. I think I see my 22-yr-old more, as a result, than most parents of young adults do. Keep going, keep loving them. It will all be good.

[lexie]

Why aren't you writing for a living?!?

[sophie]

Beautiful picture! Breaking Bad is an awesome show on many levels. I highly recommend it. But it will be addictive to watch the whole thing.

[racheal]

Lol, there is such a pillow! It's a brand called Technogel!

I saw it at the store the other day and was fascinated with it....until the saleslady told me how much it was. It's about RM2000 which comes up to about USD570. I'm dying to try it but it's really hard to justify a RM2000 pillow. So you know the dollar-to-dollar conversion, a cheeseburger at McDonald's is about RM5.

Maybe it's cheaper in the States? :)

[Meredith P.]

I too wanted to love Amis' "Lionel Asbo." Definitely entertaining and a quick read but I was left wanting more. "Hologram for a King" was awful. Hated every page of it. Felt like it was written by a college student.

Will definitely check out Ford's "Canada." I've heard great things. Thanks.

[Jenny]

I'm so glad to see a new post from you, and happy that you have "your girls." I had to chime in and agree that Richard Ford's "Canada" was an engrossing and evocative read. I love writers who have such a strong sense of place.

[g]

I've been saying the Koreans are the "Asian Irish" for decades! We like to drink, fight, sing, and fall in love in dramatic fashion

[Juliana]

MetroDad, YoYo Ma and Biggie Smalls at the same dinner table? Can I get an invite to that party?

[Heather]

Too bad you're not single...sigh.

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[have a girl]

your best part of all these:

Pillows that constantly stay cool.

I totally agree!

[OBEY Snapback]

I once read that binge drinking is defined as having “five or more drinks in one sitting

[Dave]

Beautiful family! It's very nice to see how nicely your life has settled back into place.

I can't even imagine how much I'd miss my girls if the spouse ever finally had enough of me. I go off on hunting trips once or twice a year for a few days and I have to be very careful not to think about them. Not looking forward to the "empty nest".

[laura]

aww the peanut is such a beauty

[Mitch]

I completely agree with pretty much every point you've made in this post, but have to say that you've really nailed the emotional downside of divorce from the parents perspective. I love my daughters, and admit they drive me up the wall now and then, however not being there to tuck them in every night is always going to be a hard bit of truth to swallow. Thanks for the wisdom.

Mitch

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