Little Women

DO THE MATH

The Girlfriend is a woman. The Girlfriend has two daughters. I have one daughter. Do you know what that means? It means that I am constantly surrounded by females. When I discuss this with my guy friends, they all shake their heads and ask what it's like living with four females.

(1) Do you know how long it takes three little girls to get ready in the morning? On average, they each need to brush their hair about 2,304 times before they even think about brushing their teeth. If I need to take a shower in the morning, I set my alarm to beat the morning rush. If the shower takes more than three minutes, I start hearing little fists pounding on the bathroom door.

(2) Sometimes I leave the apartment just to take a crap.

(3) When you live with four females, the odds are high that at least one of them is going to be mad at you at any given time. As men, we learn at a young age that the best way to deal with an angry female is to avoid her. We also know that women are like wolves. When one is mad at you, they circle the wagons and mark you as prey. No man in history has survived the wrath of multiple females. It''s like being on the wrong end of a fast break on the basketball court. You run back to play defense but the odds are that someone is going to dunk on your head. Your only option is to flee the apartment immediately. Preferrably to go take a crap.

(4) The Drama! Oh, the Drama!

(5) The average female takes approximately 78 minutes to get ready to leave the apartment. Ok, now multiply that by four and you have a brief semblance of what it takes to go out for a simple family dinner. Mahatma Gandhi once said, "patience means self-suffering." Gandhi had four sons. Homeboy doesn't know shit about patience.

 

GIRL TALK

All kidding aside, I LOVE being surrounded by girls.

They're sugar and spice and everything nice.

Boys?

Boys scare the living shit out of me. They're like miniature chihuahas possessed by Satan, caked in mud and adrenaline. The boys I see while chaperoning school trips never cease to amaze me. On one recent 2nd grade outing, I watched a boy repeatedly bang his head against the side of a school bus until he almost passed out. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he said "It's fun. Try it!" I then looked over to see his dim-witted dummy friends doing the same exact thing. Total. Fucking. Morons.

Friends of mine have a boy who has so much excess energy that they were forced to erect a trampoline in their backyard so the kid could burn off all the reckless energy and wouldn't set the house on fire.

Think I'm kidding?

According to a recent study, a baby boy is 76% more likely to set something his parents own ablaze. Boys are also much more likely to bully, use drugs, be violent, and go to jail. This also means that they're much more likely to shorten what's left of my precious life span.

Besides, have you hung out with any teenage boys lately? These kids speak mainly in audible grunts and nods. I’d be shocked if their facial muscles actually work.

Comedian (and father of two girls) Louis C.K. once wrote about how much more interesting girls are than boys. They're sensitive creatures who notice the world around them and take part in doing things that boys wouldn't even notice. They're thoughtful little flowers who treat people well and, for the most part, genuinely care about those around them. Boys? Eh...not so much. 

This is, of course, a generalization; a lot of girls end up being selfish and obnoxious as grown-ups, just as some men are really sensitive and thoughtful. But I generally prefer spending time in the presence of females. Girls are good roommates; they're good company when you go shopping; they're able to talk openly about their feelings; and they're a lot of fun to hang out with in the car when you're just sitting in traffic (nothing in life warms the cockles of my jaded heart more than hearing three little girls sing Adele songs from the back seat while we're jammed up on I-495 in a soul-crushing traffic jam that makes downtown Beijing look like the Bonneville Salt Flats.)

Those little things add up to a better life.

Also, in all honesty, I'm 43 years old. I think I'm too old to have a son. After a long day at work, I really don't want to go outside and toss a football with a boy, or bounce him around on the trampoline for hours, or go coach his Little League team. 

I just want to lie back, put my feet up on the couch, curl up with the girls, and watch two hours of "So You Think You Can Dance."

Crap, maybe all that estrogen is having an effect on me.

 

KEEP HOPE ALIVE!

Ever since the Peanut was born, I've spent an inordinate amount of time worrying about how best to raise a young girl in this day and age. Now that I worry about three little girls? It's all I ever think about.

While I contemplate the myriad of ways to build their confidence and self-esteem, nurture their creativity, and foster their talents, I also think about all the positive hopes I have for them in the future.

I hope they never lose their spark. I hope they're always honest and act with integrity. I hope they learn to take responsibility for their actions and own up to their mistakes.I hope they always do the right thing by helping those around them who are less fortunate. I hope they find partners who love, respect and honor them. I hope they always make the right decisions that will offer them a lifetime of happiness.  

But mostly, I hope they learn to start cooking and cleaning because I'm sick of picking up their crap and making dinners that nobody eats.

 

THE TOOTH FAIRY RECESSION OF 2012

The Peanut is almost 8 years old and only recently started losing her teeth.

Her first tooth, she lost at school. The second, she swallowed. And the third was extracted via dental floss and the help of some of her friends.

I remember losing my first tooth as a kid. I was so fucking excited that I ran up to my dad, showed him the missing tooth, and told him I couldn't wait for the Tooth Fairy to come visit me that night. If memory serves correctly, he opened his wallet, tossed me a single, and said, "There is no tooth fairy, kid. Go buy yourself a comic book."

When the Peanut's first tooth came out, she was so sad about losing it that we spent over two hours writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy that would have put the epistolary chapters of "Pride and Prejudice" to shame. The letter was replete with time-lapse descriptions of the loss, detailed drawings of said missing tooth, and heartfelt pleas for clemency.

That night, I crept into her bedroom like a ninja and slipped a fresh dollar bill under pillow. Expecting her to wake up happy as a proverbial clam, I instead was greeted in the morning by a forlorn child who looked like she'd lost her best friend.

ME: "Why the sad face, honey? Didn't the tooth fairy come last night?"

PEANUT: "She did but she only left me a dollar!"

ME: "A dollar? That's great!"

ME: "When the tooth fairy visited Alessandra, she got $5 and when she went to see Lucas, he got a box of chocolates and twenty bucks! How come I only got a dollar? It's not fair!"

Someone once told me that if kids complain about only getting a dollar, you should pull out one of their other teeth with a pair of pliers and tell them that every time they bitch, "the tooth fairy skims one off the top."

But being a sensitive modern day father raising his daughter in the moral Gomorrah known as New York City, I decided to start casually polling friends of mine about the current market rate for a lost tooth.

Turns out that most of my friends are averaging about $5 per tooth. My buddy Jason recently gave his six-year-old niece $20 after she lost her first tooth. She then counted her teeth and projected her earnings out over the next year. Her next step: discounted cash flow, with a demand for a lump sum payment up front.

Smart kid but damn, it's bad enough that I have to listen to the Peanut whine about all the toys that I never buy her, now she's going to take her measly dollar to school and some other kid is gonna wave twenty bucks in her face and make her cry.

IS THERE NO DECENCY IN THIS ECONOMY?

 

THE FAB 5

Statistically speaking, the modern family is no longer solely confined to being a mother, a father, and their biological children living together under one roof.

Never before have there been so many factors influencing what we define as a family. These days, more unmarried people are raising children. Gay and lesbian couples are having children of their own. Single women are having children without a male partner to help raise them. More people are living together without ever getting married. More people of different races are marrying each other. And more than ever, many women are choosing to not ever even have children.

Personally, I've always believed that the only definition of family that matters is your own. As many of us have learned, being related is no guarantee of love. Furthermore, the state sanctioning of what constitutes a family should have no impact on how we choose to define our own sense of family.

The important thing is to have your own clan of loved ones whom you love and are there for you. Whether it be close friends, loved ones, or small farm animals, all you really need is your own little gang.

This is mine. 

Hope you're all having a great summer...

 

Comments

[Kristen]

$20 + chocolate? Off to go knock some of my own teeth out.

Fab 5 indeed, MD. That's a lot of smiles. Awesome.

[Gina]

Gorgeous photo. Gorgeous family. Am so happy for you, MD. Just wish you'd write more!

[Carole]

Good to see you here. I pepper my overworked, overtired, and happy-to-have only daughters husband with some of your lines from time to time. Yours is the only blog I mention that he ever asks about. More please!

[heather p]

"Personally, I've always believed that the only definition of family that matters is your own."

Amen, MD. Amen.

[TV]

does the tooth fairy come back when we start losing teeth as senior citizens to offset the cost of healthcare? more importantly, I love your definition of family.

[Bee]

OH MY GOD. What an adorable family you have!! Thank goodness you're back, btw!

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

We've explained that there's more than one Tooth Fairy, and that like postmen, they have different routes. We're fortunate to live on the $1-a-tooth route, while some of our friends obviously live on the 90210 one.

[panthergirl]

While I tend to reject gender stereotypes (my experience with a girl and a boy firmly bear out that nurture wins over nature), the one thing I will say is that TEENAGED BOYS STINK. Not in the 'they have cooties' context, but rather they SMELL TERRIBLE. I walk into the house sometimes and Lucas will say "Why are you crying?" when in fact my eyes have teared up in reaction to the pheromones and foot-sweat. So count your blessings (four!!!) and I love that pic of your new family. I bet they smell great!!

[jjdaddyo]

For some reason I know more than a few Dads of three-daughter households. I am thinking of setting up a support group. Or a poker game.
1) Like you, I have recently been thinking about how young boys should be put on some kind of island away from civilized people (kind of like John Carpenter's "Escape From New York") until they are ready to join polite society. But then I look back on how my brother and I acted when we were kids and I'm amazed that we weren't abandoned in Grand Central Station by our parents. As I am constantly reminded, the main ingredient for parenting is patience and more patience.
2) The Drama.... The Drama (said in my best Marlon Brando-Apocalypse Now voice)
3) Another manifestation of the all-girls house: Top 40 radio (or Top 8, seems like). How many times am I doomed to listen to "Call Me Maybe" in the car?

[Meredith]

Once again, this is why you're my favorite writer.

Beautiful photo of your gang!

[Dadcation]

Glad to see you and your little women are doing well.

I have one son who's flanked by 3 daughters. I have a feeling he'll be familiar with hazing way before fraternity pledgeship in 2026.

[Mel]

Congrats. Peanut has grown up a lot! wow!

[Derek S.]

I too am surrounded by four females---my wife and three teenage daughters. You think it's tough now? Wait until your girls get a little older.

THE DRAMA GOES UP TO 11.

Great photo. Nice to see you back.

[Lan]

in our house, it was my dad, stepmother, their 3 daughters and then me. on top of that, we had a live in nanny. he traveled for work, A LOT. sometimes for 3 month stretches, once for 6 months. now i know why: he had to poop.

so glad you checked in.

[Issa]

You with three girls...I love it. Good luck with the drama and lack of bathroom. Heh. Really though, they are adorable.

I have a little boy. He's three and a complete nut a lot of the time. He's ALL BOY! However, he also has two big sisters so he's way more sensitive and level headed than some boys in his daycare.

Family is those who you love and cherish, no matter if they are blood related. I've made my real family out of friends.

[Issa]

Oh and I'm sure this will put my kids in therapy one day, but I don't do the tooth fairy. Reach under a sleeping child to find a tooth and give money? Ugh. Not gonna happen.

[panthergirl]

Derek, I was going to say the same thing but I decided to let him find out on his own.

[Maria]

Great post. I love your little gang!

[Leanne Koh]

What a fab 5 that is! I'm so happy for you! I hope the bathroom situation gets better.

[Yasmina]

Great fab 5 indeed! Sorry for those expensive tooth fairies flying on the top of NYC skyscrapers. Here in south, our tooth fairies come with mostly quarters and a dollar would have made our girl's day! She is 5 now and in average, it takes 60 min to get her from bed to the car. But it already 3 times longer than any of my morning routine. So, things can get better, just make sure your girls take engineering as their major in college, they would learn that make-up, breakfast, brushing hair are no longer compatible with her new life.

[Yasmina]

Oh, engineering, I mean anything requires great knowledge in logic, math, physics, and chemistry...you got the idea, somehow estrogen just goes away from their fabulous female heads...

[Yishey]

Seeing you on my Reader totally made my day! Welcome back - and please stay. Write on, MD. The world was a little less fun without your posts.

[Carla]

Awww! You and your gang are adorable.

I'm with the others. Please write more! Always enjoy reading your perspective on life.

[Hanni]

So happy to see a post from you! My husband was the lone boy in his family with four older sisters, so he much prefers female company...which is a good thing because other than one male dog, he's the only boy in this house! Really enjoyed this post, especially your definition of family. And what a lovely family you have!

[dee]

So glad to see that you're back, more refreshed and happier! What a beautiful gang. Hope you're enjoying the summer. your faithful reader from korea :)

[erma]

Very happy for you, MD. Loved your photo too. Hope you are able to find time to write here more often.

[Glennia]

Love the photo of the beautiful MetroGang. Enjoy the sweet times while they last. Middle school is when they grow claws.

[Bella]

Great article. Thanks for sharing information with us, this blog is very interesting,Thank you, Enjoy watching my website.

[Angela]

Nice to read about your life again and I think the four ladies in your life now are really cute especially The Girlfriend.

At least, Peanut got a dollar. I never received a single cent. Bleah.

[Vickie]

You look happy, and you deserve to be. Would love recaps of the girls' dramas if they allow you to preserve them here!

[Vickie]

Also, isn't your banner due for a redesign?!

[Air Jordan High Heel]

If you have resource want to visit good area. I hope Dubai is best place for travelling. last years i and my family visit here find many changes that we in our zone. Always latest technology use in his department. People thinking too much different than other country people.

[Ben]

I have five daughters, a wife, and one son. I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there, bro!

[P]

It's 1am where I am and I have to wake up in 5 hours for work, but when I saw your update I had to take the time to read it, quickly, once, and then slowly, again.

Your posts are like crack. (Never tried crack but people say that all the time and I feel like I know what crack must feel like. Ie, your posts.)

I digress. Beautiful gang you have there. I've been following your blog since Peenut was a tiny thing and this made me smile. Internet high-five!

[Pattie]

Holy cow -- we'd go bankrupt at $20 a tooth. I got $1 and was happy to get it! Nowadays, I guess it'd be cheaper to let all their teeth fall out and take the money to instead buy the kid dentures.

And what a great photo. It's a beautiful family that you have. :)

[Elizabeth]

Our Tooth Fairy is inconsistent and arrbartiy, sometimes, leaving coins, other times gifts; no rhyme, no reason. There have been times she has hidden the prize so well that our sleepy children have managed to push the booty out from under their pillow and deep under the bed where it cannot be found until the next day with parental help. Then there are tthe imes when a tooth is lost so late at night that it misses the West Coast cut off time and has to be rewarded the next evening. Last week Sistafoo lost her first top front tooth late in the eving. We were convinced she had missed the cut off, but the Tooth Fairy must have been impressed by the fantastical little house she made complete with a bed for the tiny ejected not-so-pearly white; because she left her a twenty as if she couldn't find change or something!

[Mahde]

At a playgroup with three five-year-olds the only girl lost her first tooth. My son and the other boy kept runinng over to their respective moms CONVINCED that their teeth were lose. It was apparently the coolest thing ever...Congrats on another milestone.

[cg]

$5?!!! $20?!!!
No, $1. Sometimes a book is included, if TF happens to have one on hand.

And sometimes I recycle that $1.

Looks like life is full for you these days.

Um, perhaps a new website banner is in store?

How about four toilets and a urinal?

[Lauren]

I am so happy for you and your adorable gang but I'm going to have to defend life with boys. I grew up with estrogen all around me. Now? We can get out of the house in 15 minutes (with breakfast), life is full of hockey and football. The only moody one is me and they all ignore my moods anyway. Just saying, maybe it's nice to be around the opposite sex.

[Dave]

Time to update that danged Metrodad graphic. It's great to see you and your family so happy. Great picture!

Dave

[tommy riles]

Geez...thats alot of girls. I have a wife and once daughter, and that feels like alot of ladies!

[Maureen]

I always love to read when you update your blog. Love the pic... everyone looks so happy!
I do have to say, though, boys are so much fun! They have so much energy but that energy keeps us young (or gives us gray hair, you choose). I'm blessed to have one drama queen and one curious energizer bunny.

[yates en Ibiza]

My overworked, overtired, and happy-to-have only daughters husband with some of your lines from time to time.

[Gloucesterina]

NOOooo! Don't change Metrodad's graphic! Or just add to it. The more vinyl chairs to love the Peanut, the merrier!

[Gloucesterina]

Oh, sorry - are they leather chairs, not vinyl?

[LogicalMama]

I hate those people that give too much from the Tooth Fairy and make the rest of us look bad! That being said, the kiddo in our house gets two dollars for each tooth, but I have a roll of the gold dollars! Those are very special so the amount doesn't matter, he's happy to have the gold! Might be worth a try for the next ones!
Your family is gorgeous! Glad you are happy!

[Surrogacy]

i love your blog. i must read your post........

[Grandmother]

Wow! Good for you, I'm glad you are so happy. As for boys, you have not had the pleasure of having the sports page read to you while you are in the shower and getting your mascara on. Now, I have three grand daughters and I am making up for what I missed.
Warning from a former middle school teacher: those cute little girls will turn on you but it will pass by age 18,

[sp]

Please keep writing... There are people who blog, and people who write. It's so refreshing to read the latter.

[defendUSA]

In case you don't post it...I want you to know that I remembered our friend Andy today. I finally visited the WTC Memorial and I was absolutely stunned, crushed and had no words to describe how I felt upon seeing the proximity of everything and thinking of the destruction and death there. I was going to find Andy's name but in my incredulous state of mind, I just said a prayer, and swore I would come here to let you know that a perfect stranger who reads your blog remembered your friend that day and today on this day, September 11, 2012.