CHAOS THEORY: February 2012

Random thoughts on a rainy Wednesday NYC night...

DO REAL MEN DO YOGA?

Internet, I have a confession.

I am now a person who does yoga. Yes. I am a Yogi. Me.

It all started out innocently. I just wanted to add a different dimension to my workouts. Lifting gets boring (those weights are heavy!) and running on treadmills makes me feel like a lab rat. So despite my general dislike of anything that reeks of a pretentious New Age fad, I thought I would expand my horizons and give yoga a try. At the very least, I figured I'd get to stare at my girlfriend's gorgeous body for 90 minutes. Where was the downside?

Holy cow. I'm hooked.

Seriously, I love yoga. I'm sleeping better. I'm breathing easier. I'm less stressed. I've become stronger and more flexible in ways that I had never imagined. I'm bending to Downward Facing Dog, dropping to Chataranga, and reaching to Tadasana.

Despite my fears, I'm pleased to report that I have yet to develop an unfettered love of kombucha, Lulu Lemon, or patchouli. And the day that I say goodbye to any of my buddies by chanting "Namaste" is probably the same day you'll find my dead body in the bottom of the Hudson River.

Luckily, I think my yoga teacher knows the limits of my tolerance for pretension. For example, instead of forcing me to hear Ravi Shankar jam out on a sitar, we ended this week's lesson by lying in savasana while listening to Zero 7. I'm clearly doing the upscale downtown Soho version of yoga.

Anyway, I really do love it.

If I could only resist the temptation to fart out of my third eye every five minutes, I think this yoga thing might be for me.

 

DREAM DINNER

The year I was applying to colleges, Harvard, Stanford and Princeton all asked potential matriculents to write an essay answering the same question: If you could have dinner with any figure or figures, living or dead, real or historical, who would it be and why?

I can't remember exactly what I wrote but I'm sure my 17-year-old pompous self started the essay by stating, "Don't you mean WHOM?" 

I was thinking about this today because last night, I woke up from a weird dream that had a similar motif. The details of the dream are fuzzy but it entailed a dinner with me, my girlfriend, Oprah and Alec Baldwin.

In the dream, we start off with champagne and cheese. Alec and I huddle on one side of the table talking about mayoral politics, the Knicks, and Peter Luger steaks. Oprah turns to my girlfriend and says, "Girl, you lookin' good." I love it when Oprah gets a little sista-y. Nobody really knows the real Oprah. When the cameras are off, the girl is mad cool.

Over dinner, they start sharing amazing celebrity gossip. Oprah reveals the entire Brad and Jen saga, even though she promised Jen she wouldn’t. Alec tells us about the time he almost had a threesome with Tina Fey and Condoleeza Rice. Amazing!

After a few drinks, I convince Alec that we should start prank calling Rudy Guiliani, Rupert Murdoch, and Kim Basinger. Nobody picks up so we start drinking martinis before dessert.

After dinner, we make s'mores, cuddle on the couch, and watch re-runs of Extreme Home Makeover. Then suddenly, the dream ended. I woke up, jumped in the shower, and went to work.

*FYI, in case you were wondering, I didn't get accepted into Harvard, Stanford, or Princeton.

 

 BOOK SHELF

Much to my own detriment, I tend to gravitate a little too much towards "serious" literary writers. Because I've always been interested in determining how the writing of contemporary heavyweights (Amis, McEwan, Eugenides, Roth, Atwood, Coetzee, et al) compares to the classics of the Western canon, I often miss out on less-recognized writers who are producing great work. To remedy that shortfall, I've just ordered the following books from Amazon.

Charles D'Ambrosio's The Dead Fish Museum

Dan Chaon's Await Your Reply

John Jeremiah Sullivan's Pulphead: Essays

Wes Moore's The Other Wes Moore: One Name, Two Fates

Have you read any of these? Or read anything else lately that you can recommend? Let me know.

 

THE END IS NIGH?

Speaking of books, NY Times best-selling novelist, reality television star, and professional guidette Nicole "Snooki" Polizetti announced today that she is pregnant with her first child. If the baby is born on December 21, 2012, then the Mayans were right.

 

RANDOM TEXT MESSAGES FROM MY FRIENDS, VOL. 8

"Hey man, am I supposed to tip the nurses?"

"Who knew Maria Shriver had the most appalling voice in the world? No wonder Arnie sought solace with the Spanish help!"

"Did you know that when girls eat asparagus, their pee smells bad too?"

"You'll be glad to know that mock turtlenecks are still alive and well in San Francisco."

"Isn't couture arguably ephemera?"

"I just reverse-engineered a Cobb salad!"

"Before people get a divorce, they should try switching the side of the bed they sleep on. Problem fixed!"

 

ON PARENTHOOD

I've been finding it increasingly difficult to write here about parenthood.

In the same manner that one's life becomes more complicated as one gets older, parenthood also becomes progressively more challenging as one's child gets older. The stakes are higher. The repercussions become more serious. And every event takes on greater significance. Navigating the perils of changing diapers become laughable after one realizes that those were the gravy days.

It's difficult to explain parenthood to those who don't yet have children, because becoming a parent is an intensely personal experience. Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every culture has their own way of doing things. The experience is fundamentally different for every new parent in the world, yet children are the one universally shared thing that binds our giant collective chain letter of human beings together, regardless of nationality and language. How do you explain the unexplainable?

As Jeff Atwood succintly said,

As an adult, you may think you've roughly mapped the continent of love and relationships. You've loved your parents, a few of your friends, eventually a significant other. You have some tentative cartography to work with from your explorations. You form ideas about what love is, its borders and boundaries. Then you have a child, look up to the sky, and suddenly understand that those bright dots in the sky are whole other galaxies.

You can't possibly know the enormity of the feelings you will have for your children. It is absolutely fucking terrifying.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I love the Peanut.

The Peanut is now seven and while she has grown up to be an incredible child, I often find myself constantly thinking about her past, present, and future. Wasn't it just yesterday that I was changing her diapers? How does the time fly by so quickly? With all the dramatic changes she's experienced in her life thus far, am I really doing absolutely everything in my power to ensure her current happiness and well-being? What obstacles lie ahead? In what ways will she thrive? Where will she struggle? How can I protect her?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Ultimately I remember to take a deep breath, bring myself back to earth, and remind myself that while the days may be long, the years go by fast. The kid is only seven.

And you know what?

Seven is cool.

This is seven.

Comments

[Marnie]

Love your writing. The Peanut is gorgeous. You're a great dad. Hope you're all doing well.

[sarah]

please tell me you dressed the peanut. i cant imagine a 7 year old being THAT put together already.

[Serena]

I know you don't read a lot of non-fiction but The Other Wes Moore is an amazing book. Let us know what you think!

[jjdaddyo]

Wow! Is that a pic of The Peanut before she hit the runway at Fashion Week?
And even if you can't remember who your essay was about, I bet it said you wanted to meet one of the Mets.

[Vivian - vxdollface]

haha Peanut dresses better than me!

[Maureen]

Seven is heaven. I have a seven year old girl, too, and I have to say that it is amazing to see their knowledge and independence just explode.
I'm about to add Pulphead: Essays to my Kindle!

[Angela]

Great to read your stuff again. Peanut dresses really well.

[Marie]

Love your writing! The peanut is gorgeous!

[J.A.]

Glad to see Wes Moore's book on your list; I know him from Baltimore!

[panthergirl]

Ah, so much fun to wake up and read your stuff. While I relate wholeheartedly to your feelings about parenting, I relate even more to your bizarre dreams about celebrities. I wonder if it's the yoga? Nah, for me it's the Neurontin I think. The Peanut is so gorgeous (not to mention quite fashion-forward). Take it from me, buddy...there are much more challenging times ahead. (oh and I'm looking at colleges right now with Lucas. How the hell did THAT happen??)

[Karen meg]

I was so absorbed by this post-love the way you move around all these various topics and then it all boils down to the fact that once you become a parent it IS all about the kids.
Peanut is so adorable! Seven rocks (my daughter's the same and she's got her Dad totally under control with the sweetness that is seven). And I'm freakin out that her homework includes PowerPoint presentations complete with images and flying animations. I now look back at the days that my tween boy was seven and it seems forever ago.

[Kate]

I agree with everybody: Peanut is beautiful, she dresses better than I do, it's great to see a new post, and your writing is fab.

(fwiw, it actually is who; "to be" takes a subjective pronoun)

[Kylie]

It always makes my day to see that you've written a new blog post. Thanks, MD!

P.S. The Peanut is beautiful. Good luck during the teenage years!

[Jac]

LOL on the Yoga and farts!! I have issues with that myself!!! Hint: Doing Child's Pose before class can help!! LOL

You daughter is beautiful! Congrats on 7 years!

[Daddy Scratches]

"You can't possibly know the enormity of the feelings you will have for your children. It is absolutely fucking terrifying."

Yeah, he nailed that one.

RE: Your essay - When I was a college freshman, I had to write an essay on that same topic for my first paper in College Writing 101. Eighteen-year-old, just-out-of-high-school me would have written something pretentious to try to impress the professor. Twenty-two-year-old, army-veteran me wrote about Eddie Van Halen. The professor said it was the first time in 17 years of teaching that he gave an A+ on the first assignment. (Suffice to say, I didn't go to Harvard,Stanford or Princeton either.)

Your daughter is beautiful. And a snazzy dresser.

[Jessica]

Always love your random thoughts!

[Dadcation]

So, apparently 7 is the new 14? She looks quite grown up here (but in a cute, good way)!

[Simon]

The Dead Fish Museum is an amazing read. D'Ambrosio is definitely a talented writer to watch.

Currently reading Barnes' Sense of an Ending. Not bad. Definitely like it more than his other stuff.

[AngstyJen]

Your daughter is so gorgeous!

Re: books, I have the same tendency as you. I have read some of Dan Chaon's work, though, and enjoyed it.

[janelle]

Even though I'm 25 and not even married yet, I've been reading your blog and following the exploits of the Peanut for years. I can't believe she looks so grown up now. I remember when she was just a little baby. She's beautiful!

Please write here more.

[Maggie]

When I was trying to explain to a friend of mine who was pregnant with her first child what it was going to be like to be a parent, I told her that for me it was like all my life I loved my husband and parents and some friends so much I thought that was the sun, then I had kids and realized that love was like a 25 watt bulb by comparison. Totally unexpected and amazing to me.

[beyond]

she's so cute. urban kids wear black, right?
i can't believe she's seven. it means i've been reading your blog for a looong time. and that i'm getting old.

[Tristine]

OMG! The Peanut has grown up to be such a beautiful and stylish New Yorker. She dresses cooler than I do!

Love your writing. Wish you'd do more. It's always a treat seeing that you've posted something new.

What kind of yoga are you doing?

[DriverB]

Wow, Peanut at seven is way more chic and fashionable than I am at 30-something!

I am right there with you on the yoga - I have a low tolerance for crunchy foo-foo, despite choosing to live in the SF Bay Area, but I freaking love how good I feel after a yoga class.

[oilandgarlic]

Yes, real men do yoga!
I love that post about parenthood by Jeff Atwood. So true.
Peanut is one well-dressed girl. She can give Suri Cruise a run for the money (just keep her away from high heels!)

[YP]

OMG, Peanut is so cute and stylish. Looks like you've got your hands full.

[Marissa]

My husband always used to make fun of me and my girlfriends for being obsessed with yoga. As an ex-jock, he thought it was just a bunch of hippies in tights doing stretches. Naturally, he tried it a few times and is totally hooked too. He's even getting his basketball pals to give it a try.

I never thought I'd see the day.

[Chopperpapa]

I'd argue ONLY real mean do Yoga.

[Tricia]

What's all this about the gorgeous girlfriend? Spill it, MD. We want to know the inside scoop!

(So happy for you)

[HJ]

I love your style of writing and your take on life. The Peanut is lucky to have you as her dad.

[Rachel E.]

No...that is very STYLISH seven. She is adorable!

[Jamie]

If the Sartorialist ever starts photographing kids in NYC, the Peanut should be his first subject. She's so hip and stylish!

[sbebe]

I think I get the happiest when I see your blog updated on my feed :-D Yay! Thanks for another great post

[Xibee]

Clearly I have missed out on one of the best things in life.

That being, the ability to dress up a little seven-year old girl in all black so she looks totally posh.

[JMom]

A lovely little girl! My little girl is going to be eighteen soon. I remember when she looked a lot like your stylish girl. But more importantly, your daughter looks healthy and happy! Good work, Dad! As for book recommendations, I pretty much read any trashy thing that has a good story. Love Diana Gabaldon. I think you would hate her stuff though.

[Leanne Koh]

Peanut looks beautiful. You'll be worrying a lot more when she gets to the age when boys start asking her out.

[Katharine]

You would love the book Sisters Brothers by Patrick Dewitt.P.S. glad to see you are blogging more again. You are one funny dude.

[Bonnie]

God damn she is stylish! I wish my parents had dressed me better instead of putting on ten sweaters and a coat on me for fear of me catching a cold. The album is full of embarrassingly fobby pics.

[Mel]

Come on man spill the means on the gf pronto!!! Been reading our blog for years....!

[Liz]

I hated Await Your Reply. Just too dismal and weird; unless you like dismal and weird! If you haven't read the Dragon Tattoo series, I highly recommend them. I have heard GREAT things about New York by Edward Rutherford (historical fiction). Check out In the Woods by Tana French, a very good thriller based in Ireland. I read a book a week and love to talk books. Email anytime.

[Amanda]

(1) The Peanut has got to be the most beautiful and stylish little kid in New York City.

(2) Pulphead is an amazing book that I think you'll love. I just finished it one sitting this weekend. Let us know what you think.

(3) Girlfriend? I'm sure that sound you hear is hearts breaking all over the internet. Do tell, MD!

[Daddy Geek Boy]

Wish I could do yoga--bad wrists prevent me.

And your friends are way more entertaining (and tech savvy) than mine.

[catty]

so, my mum JUST told me last weekend that asparagus makes pee smell funny. WHY she told me that I have no idea, totally random.

[Vinyl Banners]

I read a lot of blogs but this blog is really awesome and fulfill all my requirements...Very Good job Guys!

[Lena]

As a long-time yoga instructor, I'm thrilled that you're now a convert, Pierre! If I'm ever in NYC for a work trip, I'd love to give you and your girlfriend some lessons. Namaste!

[Joan]

Namaste...always reminds me of the movie, Catch & Release. They, sitting around the dinner table, looked at her as being a bit strange when she spoke that.
Just barely into The Hangman's Daughter, Oliver Potzsch. Good so far.
My daughter is 29. Happy, is what I want her to be. She is. I believe. :)
Women can be tough on themselves. Just read the post, The Inevitable Ugliness of Women, by http://the bhj.com. It resonated with me.

[Anonymous]

I enjoyed Wes Moore, although I found his final/acknowledgment chapter to be more introspective and raw than the actual book. He doesn't have the same writing chops as professional journalists and authors, but it is a thought-provoking narrative that is honestly written and reminds you of the importance of strong parenting, good role models, and education.

[defendUSA]

If I were seven...I know I would have gravitated to her and made friends...she is just so sweet. And her outfit shows how confident she is and will be!

[Angella]

She is so, so beautiful.

So much to comment on, so little time. Love Neil Gaiman, Kate Morton, The Girl With The ... series, Hunger Games series. Oh! And Gargoyle. Brilliant. You've read Room, right? It haunts me, six months later.

Hope to see you in NY this August.

[Cookie]

Love this post. Love the photo of the Peanut. Love your writing. Please write more!