The following text missives from my cell phone are all about to get purged so, as usual, I thought I'd jot them down here for posterity. Names and telephone numbers have been withheld to protect the (not-so) innocent.
"The best part about Halloween is giving out packets of ketchup to little kids."
"What's worse? Piercing your newborn's ears or giving her a lower back tattoo?"
"Wife walked in on me doing the robot. It didn't faze her. The thrill is gone."
"Patron tequila with limes doesn't count as a juice cleanse, homeboy."
"Just ate shrimp cocktail, lobster salad, sushi, snow crabs. I'm about to crap The Deadliest Catch."
"Ever walk by a group of women and hear one of them tell her friends 'I''d tap that?'"
"Don't judge Heather Mills until you've hopped a mile in her shoe."
"Best part about working for myself is giving the boss handjobs under the desk."
"Dallas is making me feel very brunette."
"Please say you're kidding about the colonic. Is crapping bib lettuce and spicy lemonade not enough for you?"
"I want to be me when I grow up but with more hair and cars and a better second serve."
"Thinking of starting an Alan Parsons Project cover band. You want in?"
"Can't decide what I like most about this party: all the recently divorced men or the baby lamb chops."
"I live where botox and silicon runneth over but the gustatory landscape is severely lacking."
"My husband is reading Vogue and I'm watching the Detroit Lions game. That answer your question?"
"Everyone here reminds me of mashed potatoes. White and lumpy."
"Remember when we used to to party and go to rap shows? I'm now at the Bryan Ferry concert drinking chardonnay. Where did things go wrong?"
"The only guys who like Coldplay are the ones who want to sleep with girls who like Coldplay."
"Just spent 2 hours on WebMD. Convinced I'm dying. Fare thee well!"
MetroDad GiveAway: Your turn, folks. What's the funniest or most random text message you've received? The reader who submits a comment that makes milk come out my nose wins a brand-new Apple IPod Shuffle. Be sure to leave your e-mail address in the comments.
Me: Happy Birthday Mar!
Response Text: Um I am not Mar. I am a New Mexico State trooper.
Me: Oh sorry guess that’s why you didn’t text me back earlier.
milehightwins at yahoo dot com
Posted by: Jen Barron | November 03, 2011 at 10:11 PM
"I just found red rose petals stuck to the double sided sticky boob tape on my chicken cutlets."
Posted by: Sara in SD | November 03, 2011 at 10:53 PM
"The new secretary couldn't keep her boobs off my eyes!"
Posted by: JK | November 03, 2011 at 11:30 PM
I've been sick for the past week and nearly hacked up a lung laughing at "I'm about to crap the Deadliest Catch."
Thanks. I needed that. :-)
Posted by: Aimee | November 03, 2011 at 11:49 PM
"Do you have one of those Shrek ear headbands that I could maybe borrow?"
....
"Today one of my 3rd graders came to school wearing red hot high heeled boots."
Posted by: Kate | November 03, 2011 at 11:52 PM
I ate sea cucumber thinking it was a vegetable. It's actually a penis-shaped worm that shoots sticky white stuff from its anus when rubbed.
Cinthiacg at yahoo.
Posted by: Cinthiacg | November 04, 2011 at 12:13 AM
Got some from my brother. Thanks for being willing, though!
Posted by: Jeremy | November 04, 2011 at 12:47 AM
"could try for the pony instead of the umbrella"
"you're too hot for prison, try maiming him instead"
Posted by: Kate | November 04, 2011 at 07:55 AM
My son said this to me after going to the "Facts of Life" chat at school-
"Uh-oh...I'm a about to reproduce!"
I am WT(effing) and he texts back...
"I took a dump, dropped the kids off at the pool...relax..."
Posted by: DefendUSA | November 04, 2011 at 08:06 AM
"I don't really do follow Friday. Since having you all chipped, I'm able to track you from my desktop. Technology. Marvellous."
Posted by: jjdaddyo | November 04, 2011 at 09:10 AM
"Mom saw some tricker-treaters at the door and exlaimed: "Blue man group!". In actuality, they were three little smurfs."
Posted by: Amy | November 04, 2011 at 09:20 AM
I don't have friends that witty.
Posted by: Chopperpap | November 04, 2011 at 09:48 AM
"I kept falling asleep on the bus and waking up to myself screaming “cookies!” I can never take the 190 again."
Posted by: Michelle G | November 04, 2011 at 09:49 AM
Your friends are fucking funny. I think I need some new ones.
Posted by: Greg | November 04, 2011 at 09:58 AM
Greg beat me to it. Auditioning new friends today at 3.
Posted by: Busy Mom | November 04, 2011 at 10:04 AM
friend who is a lesbian..
"umm... no thanks, lesbians scare me!"
Posted by: TY | November 04, 2011 at 10:08 AM
"Oy! What da 'ell do yew fink yore doin wif yore 'and en me arsehole?" (Accompanied by a photo of a hedgehog puppet)
Posted by: Jen_Ann_W | November 04, 2011 at 10:11 AM
Looking for a bday present for my gf that says "I love you but I still want to screw other women." Any ideas?
Posted by: GLW | November 04, 2011 at 10:27 AM
bear: Just had awesome poop at nordstrom rack.
Posted by: Lan | November 04, 2011 at 10:48 AM
From my husband
"Whoever made underwear white was smoking crack"
Yes we're still married, but I now make him take his clothes to the laundry mat!
Posted by: Cindy | November 04, 2011 at 11:08 AM
"You have to have surgery because of a mostly-useless organ? EVOLUTION HAS FAILED YOU."
Posted by: Elizabeth in Chicago | November 04, 2011 at 11:19 AM
Regarding book club book selection:
Me: You're not going to like this book, the main character, is well, a....
Friend: If she's a fu*&ing lesbian, forget it. Lisa can read the book this time and fill me in on the details. I'm not reading it.
Me: The main character is a ghost, you homophobe!
Posted by: Shannon | November 04, 2011 at 11:22 AM
"At least its Weight Watchers and not Depends!"
Posted by: Laura B. | November 04, 2011 at 11:27 AM
You don't see me bashing your hobbies. You put that lightbulb wherever you like.
Posted by: James | November 04, 2011 at 11:51 AM
"Make a shrine of his penis and ask for forgiveness" - advice on how to mollify the guilt of having engaged in a secret liaison.
Posted by: Julide | November 04, 2011 at 12:02 PM
"i thought i was going to die. my life flashed before my eyes and all it was was episodes of TV shows i watch"
Posted by: Pattie | November 04, 2011 at 12:16 PM
MILF it does a body good.
Posted by: Lucas | November 04, 2011 at 12:41 PM
Credit goes to my hubs for this one:
"Saw an old white guy with an absurdly big and beautiful booty. nicki minaj ass glued onto john lithgow. Disneyland: let the memories begin."
Posted by: Julie Kang | November 04, 2011 at 01:38 PM
"I'm sorry my mom said you looked North Korean. We don't have to go to Sizzlers with her again."
flourishinprogress at gmail dot com
Posted by: elizabeth-flourishinprogress | November 04, 2011 at 01:46 PM
That deadliest catch text made me spit coffee out my nose. Your friend who sent that one is hilarious.
Posted by: Alyssa | November 04, 2011 at 02:38 PM
"Dude outside of my apartment asked me to watch his fruit stand while he went to the bathroom in mcdonalds. He was gone for almost ten minutes. I sold seven bananas and two oranges."
Posted by: j.higa | November 04, 2011 at 02:50 PM
I found a few candidates, but I think this might be the best one:
Pilipino lady watching me get a breakfast crossaint: "OOOO!" Serbed with PROOT!"
bozmin at gmail
Also:
Yeah nice to confirm that your mutant vision power is still good.
I know but there is a trick to remove the silk with ease.
Uh oh potatoes...I will stab the crap out of them - all sides.
And hopefully no explosions?
I almost got run over. I am ok. Sorry I am a butt.
Frak me no cinnamon!
Posted by: DriverB | November 04, 2011 at 03:15 PM
You always make me laugh. I wish my messages sounded anything like yours. Mine are as basic as: I got here alright, I am coming home or please send more money. At least yours make me think this will end soon and I have hope for what you are getting on your text.
Posted by: Digital eBook Readers | November 04, 2011 at 04:57 PM
Between my husband and his Mother.
MIL: Hurry home I have the urge.
My husband: MOM?!?! Put on your damn glasses to text - this is Dave not Dad! You owe me for therapy!
[email protected]
Posted by: Cindy | November 04, 2011 at 05:18 PM
I texted this today, from an Air Force base, to a friend since 1985:
"Not as exciting now as it was 10 years ago, but I'M HIV-FREE, BITCH! Your tax dollars at work, incidentally."
Posted by: the muskrat | November 04, 2011 at 06:38 PM
The prize of yours was "Dallas is making me feel very brunette." So succinct. : )
My receipts:
1)(testing a new cell):
"Mikey is the Best Mikey in the Whole World." (and...I guess that's Mikey)
2) "You know I have you in favorites two notches AFTER 9-1-1. Does that make you feel better?."
Posted by: Xibee | November 04, 2011 at 07:30 PM
One of the funniest text I ever got was not a text per se, but an image. It said "It's here!!!!" and all I could see was a little dark thing in a white bowl. Took me a while to figure out that my girlfriend sent me a picture of her child's first poop in the potty.
cg
[email protected]
Posted by: cg | November 05, 2011 at 02:27 AM
(clears throat) Um... no pic of the Peanut in her 2011 Halloween costume?
thx.
Posted by: cg | November 05, 2011 at 02:28 AM
"Drunk lesbians frenching on bus. Well done."
Posted by: Teryn | November 05, 2011 at 04:34 AM
Hungry and running between morning meetings, I texted my sister:
Text #1: Does Chick-Fil-A have eggs?
Text #2: For breakfast.
Text #3: Not an existential question.
Posted by: Paige Jennifer | November 05, 2011 at 11:44 PM
"My date just laughed and snorted out a booger into his pasta. I'm going to throw up everything from as far down as my bum hole. Call in 5 to say you're in the hospital. DO NOT DELAY."
Posted by: Bee | November 06, 2011 at 01:03 AM
"I'm home."
(I had no idea who it was from.)
Texted back:
"Me too."
Posted by: amy sue nathan | November 06, 2011 at 03:27 PM
This is why you belong on Twitter.
Posted by: NG | November 06, 2011 at 04:19 PM
I received the following on my phone from someone I don't know:
FWD:
From: P.M.K
Sent: Sep 11 5:32AM
MSG: Ima say this one time only dont text dont call this phone ever that nigga wookie blacc who ever hes done karma
(sent by the stranger to me at 12:06 PM)
Then I got a second text from the stranger:
2/2 done cought up with his nothing ass thank you
I have no idea who these people are ,but it was definitely the most random exchange I've ever been sent.
Posted by: Parentopia Devra | November 06, 2011 at 04:51 PM
from my brother: "I think Arnold always knew what Willis was talkin' 'bout."
Posted by: Phil Jones | November 06, 2011 at 05:17 PM
"Woo, if I had a wife looked like that, what I didn't fuck I would eat."
Posted by: Natalie | November 06, 2011 at 05:53 PM
A few buddies and I often exchange random text messages throughout the day. Here are some of the ones I've been able to find.
Friend 1: "I am so bad at this stupid fat or pregnant game."
Friend 2: "Yeah, but you rock at ugly or downs."
Me: "You should switch to gay or hipster."
Friend 1: "Which cirque show was the one where they have sex?"
Friend 2: "Zumanity"
Friend 1: "with donkeys?"
Me: "That would be Zoomanity"
(while in an LA club)
Friend 1: "Fuck, I feel like a math competition is about to break out."
Friend 1: "Ugly girl + surfing > hot girl posing on a civic. Or maybe I'm just getting old."
Posted by: jason | November 06, 2011 at 07:31 PM
Picture text followed with "Am I fug?"
Posted by: Babeehanul | November 06, 2011 at 08:36 PM
Under the house now. Roaches Galore.
Posted by: Leigh | November 06, 2011 at 09:34 PM
We just got back from an Edison High School football game. Based on the high school girls' wardrobe choices, my 8th grade daughter will be home schooled.
Posted by: Greg | November 06, 2011 at 10:49 PM