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November 03, 2011


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Jen Barron

Me: Happy Birthday Mar!
Response Text: Um I am not Mar. I am a New Mexico State trooper.
Me: Oh sorry guess that’s why you didn’t text me back earlier.

milehightwins at yahoo dot com

Sara in SD

"I just found red rose petals stuck to the double sided sticky boob tape on my chicken cutlets."


"The new secretary couldn't keep her boobs off my eyes!"


I've been sick for the past week and nearly hacked up a lung laughing at "I'm about to crap the Deadliest Catch."

Thanks. I needed that. :-)


"Do you have one of those Shrek ear headbands that I could maybe borrow?"


"Today one of my 3rd graders came to school wearing red hot high heeled boots."


I ate sea cucumber thinking it was a vegetable. It's actually a penis-shaped worm that shoots sticky white stuff from its anus when rubbed.

Cinthiacg at yahoo.


Got some from my brother. Thanks for being willing, though!


"could try for the pony instead of the umbrella"

"you're too hot for prison, try maiming him instead"


My son said this to me after going to the "Facts of Life" chat at school-

"Uh-oh...I'm a about to reproduce!"
I am WT(effing) and he texts back...

"I took a dump, dropped the kids off at the pool...relax..."


"I don't really do follow Friday. Since having you all chipped, I'm able to track you from my desktop. Technology. Marvellous."


"Mom saw some tricker-treaters at the door and exlaimed: "Blue man group!". In actuality, they were three little smurfs."


I don't have friends that witty.

Michelle G

"I kept falling asleep on the bus and waking up to myself screaming “cookies!” I can never take the 190 again."


Your friends are fucking funny. I think I need some new ones.

Busy Mom

Greg beat me to it. Auditioning new friends today at 3.


friend who is a lesbian..

"umm... no thanks, lesbians scare me!"


"Oy! What da 'ell do yew fink yore doin wif yore 'and en me arsehole?" (Accompanied by a photo of a hedgehog puppet)


Looking for a bday present for my gf that says "I love you but I still want to screw other women." Any ideas?


bear: Just had awesome poop at nordstrom rack.


From my husband

"Whoever made underwear white was smoking crack"

Yes we're still married, but I now make him take his clothes to the laundry mat!

Elizabeth in Chicago

"You have to have surgery because of a mostly-useless organ? EVOLUTION HAS FAILED YOU."


Regarding book club book selection:

Me: You're not going to like this book, the main character, is well, a....
Friend: If she's a fu*&ing lesbian, forget it. Lisa can read the book this time and fill me in on the details. I'm not reading it.
Me: The main character is a ghost, you homophobe!

Laura B.

"At least its Weight Watchers and not Depends!"


You don't see me bashing your hobbies. You put that lightbulb wherever you like.


"Make a shrine of his penis and ask for forgiveness" - advice on how to mollify the guilt of having engaged in a secret liaison.


"i thought i was going to die. my life flashed before my eyes and all it was was episodes of TV shows i watch"


MILF it does a body good.

Julie Kang

Credit goes to my hubs for this one:

"Saw an old white guy with an absurdly big and beautiful booty. nicki minaj ass glued onto john lithgow. Disneyland: let the memories begin."


"I'm sorry my mom said you looked North Korean. We don't have to go to Sizzlers with her again."

flourishinprogress at gmail dot com


That deadliest catch text made me spit coffee out my nose. Your friend who sent that one is hilarious.


"Dude outside of my apartment asked me to watch his fruit stand while he went to the bathroom in mcdonalds. He was gone for almost ten minutes. I sold seven bananas and two oranges."


I found a few candidates, but I think this might be the best one:

Pilipino lady watching me get a breakfast crossaint: "OOOO!" Serbed with PROOT!"

bozmin at gmail


Yeah nice to confirm that your mutant vision power is still good.

I know but there is a trick to remove the silk with ease.

Uh oh potatoes...I will stab the crap out of them - all sides.

And hopefully no explosions?

I almost got run over. I am ok. Sorry I am a butt.

Frak me no cinnamon!

Digital eBook Readers

You always make me laugh. I wish my messages sounded anything like yours. Mine are as basic as: I got here alright, I am coming home or please send more money. At least yours make me think this will end soon and I have hope for what you are getting on your text.


Between my husband and his Mother.

MIL: Hurry home I have the urge.
My husband: MOM?!?! Put on your damn glasses to text - this is Dave not Dad! You owe me for therapy!

[email protected]

the muskrat

I texted this today, from an Air Force base, to a friend since 1985:

"Not as exciting now as it was 10 years ago, but I'M HIV-FREE, BITCH! Your tax dollars at work, incidentally."


The prize of yours was "Dallas is making me feel very brunette." So succinct. : )

My receipts:

1)(testing a new cell):
"Mikey is the Best Mikey in the Whole World." (and...I guess that's Mikey)

2) "You know I have you in favorites two notches AFTER 9-1-1. Does that make you feel better?."


One of the funniest text I ever got was not a text per se, but an image. It said "It's here!!!!" and all I could see was a little dark thing in a white bowl. Took me a while to figure out that my girlfriend sent me a picture of her child's first poop in the potty.

[email protected]


(clears throat) Um... no pic of the Peanut in her 2011 Halloween costume?



"Drunk lesbians frenching on bus. Well done."

Paige Jennifer

Hungry and running between morning meetings, I texted my sister:

Text #1: Does Chick-Fil-A have eggs?

Text #2: For breakfast.

Text #3: Not an existential question.


"My date just laughed and snorted out a booger into his pasta. I'm going to throw up everything from as far down as my bum hole. Call in 5 to say you're in the hospital. DO NOT DELAY."

amy sue nathan

"I'm home."

(I had no idea who it was from.)

Texted back:

"Me too."


This is why you belong on Twitter.

Parentopia Devra

I received the following on my phone from someone I don't know:

From: P.M.K
Sent: Sep 11 5:32AM
MSG: Ima say this one time only dont text dont call this phone ever that nigga wookie blacc who ever hes done karma
(sent by the stranger to me at 12:06 PM)

Then I got a second text from the stranger:

2/2 done cought up with his nothing ass thank you

I have no idea who these people are ,but it was definitely the most random exchange I've ever been sent.

Phil Jones

from my brother: "I think Arnold always knew what Willis was talkin' 'bout."


"Woo, if I had a wife looked like that, what I didn't fuck I would eat."


A few buddies and I often exchange random text messages throughout the day. Here are some of the ones I've been able to find.

Friend 1: "I am so bad at this stupid fat or pregnant game."
Friend 2: "Yeah, but you rock at ugly or downs."
Me: "You should switch to gay or hipster."

Friend 1: "Which cirque show was the one where they have sex?"
Friend 2: "Zumanity"
Friend 1: "with donkeys?"
Me: "That would be Zoomanity"

(while in an LA club)
Friend 1: "Fuck, I feel like a math competition is about to break out."

Friend 1: "Ugly girl + surfing > hot girl posing on a civic. Or maybe I'm just getting old."


Picture text followed with "Am I fug?"


Under the house now. Roaches Galore.


We just got back from an Edison High School football game. Based on the high school girls' wardrobe choices, my 8th grade daughter will be home schooled.

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