Return of the Mac

Lately I've been inundated with e-mails from friends, readers, news outlets, and PR agencies imploring me to write more frequently on this site.

I've always tended to squirm a little whenever this blog gets any sort of attention. It's sort of a mixed blessing for me because, as I've mentioned before, I have zero interest in being a "popular" blogger or making any money off this site. There are over 57 million blogs out there and I come across quite a few that are very clear about their naked ambitions (ad revenue! book deals! t-shirt sales!) 

This, my friends, is definitely not one of those blogs. 

You see...in that wide divide between complete obscurity and worldwide fame, I believe there exists a great number of pan flashers, egoists, and one-hit wonders hoping for a giant slice of the adulation quiche. As my man Dennis Miller likes to say, "while most of us are content to simply rubberneck the carnage on the side of the road, too many people these days are desperately striving to actually BE the car wreck."

Me? I don't want to be that wreck. I've always believed that popularity is a goal for the emotionally insecure. I also realized very early on that I personally do not have the proper disposition to handle even a modicum level of fame. (Why? Many reasons...but mostly because if my photo were ever in a magazine and I came across it at my dentist's office only to see that someone had drawn a dick and balls on my chin, I'd be pissed for weeks.)

In all honesty, I think the blog's growing popularity was part of the reason I haven't written more here in the past year or so. I started to feel as if I were writing for an audience as opposed to just writing for my own pleasure.

Quite simply, all I want to do is just hang out with you guys, shoot the shit, and tell funny stories about my daughter putting diapers on the dog.

On the flip side, I don't write here solely for myself. I started this site as a creative outlet and to find some like-minded parents who didn't take themselves (or their kids) so damn seriously.  Little did I know that I would end up meeting so many cool, smart, and interesting people who not only get my sense of humor but can also appreciate random musings on midget rappers, drunken Scrabble, and iCarly. Getting to know all of you and making some real-life friends has been, by far, the best part about starting this blog. 

As the preeminent social philosopher Lil Kim once said, "Y'all rock, yo!"

Anyway, I bring all this up because I've decided that I'm going to write a lot more on this site. I'm currently working on a book of humurous personal essays so partly in that regard, I'd like to use this site to invigorate those writing muscles that seem to have completely atrophied since I stopped writing here. To tell you the truth, I've also missed all of you.

So now that I'm back, allow me to re-introduce myself...

For all you first-time visitors here, this site is, for lack of a better phrase, a "daddy blog."

What the hell is a "daddy blog?" you might ask? Well, I can't answer for all of them but I like to think of this site as being very similar to a "mommy blog."

Except with real humor!

And 50% less crazy! 

(Just kidding, ladies!)

Actually, if I had to describe what this blog was about, I'd say it was simply about life, love, and the gentle art of raising children. It's the story of one man's heroic journey into the depths of parenthood and the ensuing joy that follows.   

(Sorry, my sarcasm cup runneth amok.)

In all seriousness, this blog is about what happens when a self-involved NYC man living a carefree hedonistic life becomes a father for the first time. It also follows the path of single parenthood and the ensuing comedy of raising a seven-year-old daughter in downtown Manhattan.

Prior to having a child, I had an amazingly fun life. Though I always wanted kids, I worried about the possibility that having a kid would put a damper on my lifestyle. However, I have to admit that life these days is much more enjoyable. More enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.

I know there are some people out there who say, “I can’t remember life before my baby was born!”  Really? There was nothing memorable about your life before you had a kid? That totally sucks.  Because I had a shitload of fun before I had a child, and I enjoy those memories just as much now as I did then. Heck, many times those memories are what get me through the night! 

But does being an involved father mean that I've forsaken my former personality to become a dad?  Have I subverted my diverse interests to pursue the path of parenthood? Am I destined to become a Stepford Dad or one of those repugnant Alpha-Parents?

Hell to the N and the O.

Don't get me wrong. I'll be the first to admit that it's not easy. There's a part of me that sometimes wants to bail out on being a parent, jump on a plane to Bali, drop Ecstasy, and write screenplays under a palm tree. There are other times when I start thinking about the cumulative cost of after-school care, ballet lessons, and college tuition...and I think to myself, "Damn, I could have bought a Porsche."

But therein lies the rub, folks. There's no way that you can emotionally or monetarily amortize the cost of having a child. I'm not going to trip the light saptastic here but having a kid is one of the greatest joys of my life. There's no way to explain it if you haven't experienced it.

This blog is merely my attempt to laugh at it all.

That being said, I do think there is a certain social contract between a writer and his readers.  When you read a blog, you expect to get a consistent perspective from the writer. However, things can get a little dicey when that writer is also a card-carrying member of the parenting blogosphere. So, in the interests of clarity, here is a list of topics that will NEVER be covered on MetroDad...

1. Seinfeld-like observations of the "didja ever notice?" variety.
2. My love of cats.
3. How the mean parents at the PTA make me feel like I'm in high school again.
4. My favorite recipe for pumpkin soup.
5. A mind-numbing, hour-by-hour recap of my day.
6. The size of my ass.
7. Bitchings about my ex-wife, my parents, or in-laws. 
8. My love of Gymboree!
9. How much it will cost to get my minivan fixed.
10. Why my kid is the greatest.

Throw a rock on the internet and you'll find a mind-numbingly enormous amount of blogs covering those and other scintillating topics.

Sorry but this won't be one of them.

On the other hand, here are some completely random examples of what you are likely to find on this site...

• Changing the world one dangling participle at a time (Strunk & White in the house, yo)
• Underage Chinese Gymnast (This post went viral all over the world.)
• 25 life lessons for my daughter (Tips on not raising the next Lindsay Lohan.)
• Child brides & boyhood crushes (The beautiful innocence of young love.)
• Diary of a single dad (Thank God I have an amazing girlfriend now.)
• Fun with deconstruction (My thoughts on champagne, lobster, anal sex and picnics)
• The 8 types of playground parents ('Fess up. Are YOU on this list?)
• An open letter to all toddlers (Post this on your fridge.)

In toto: adulation quiches, dicks and balls on my chin, car wrecks, Chinese gymnasts, grammar, and single parenthood.

Yeah, that about sums it up. 

What's up with all of you?

 

Comments

[jjdaddyo]

Everything's fine Down South here, yo. Didn't know about the GF, see what we miss when you don't blog regularly?

[brhau]

Welcome back, dickballschin!

[Lisa J.]

Finally! I've been waiting for you to write more here forever. You've always been one of my favorite writers and I've loved reading you for years. Let us know when the book is done!

[Julie Kang]

w00t! Great to hear from you again, MD. Also, w00t amazing girlfriend! My boy is about to turn 8 and my little one is about to turn 5.

Also, I think we have birthdays coming up? I'm thinking of shutting myself and a few other Scorpio girlfriends at the Chateau Marmont and soaking ourselves in champagne, wanna come? Oh crap, forgot about the girlfriend.

[sweatpantsmom]

Well, now I feel a little cheated because I Googled 'Recipe for pumpkin soup' and it brought me here.

Seriously, welcome back! As long as you keep writing - and quoting Lil Kim - I'll keep reading. Yo!

[Daddy Scratches]

"Don't get me wrong. I'll be the first to admit that it's not easy. There's a part of me that sometimes wants to bail out on being a parent, jump on a plane to Bali, drop Ecstasy, and write screenplays under a palm tree."

Yeah, that sounds about right. I'd appreciate it if that part of you would save some shade for that part of me.

[L.A. Daddy]

Welcome back, brother. I was away for awhile, too. And I have managed to sneak back in, completely unnoticed by my former readers. Which is why I need to promote my T-shirt sale! And get me a dadgum book deal! Mu-ahahah!

My life before kids? Schmoozing with the movie stars! Parties till dawn! Film festivals and premieres!

Now? Not so much.

I think I'll buy a Porsche anyway.

[NG]

Hooray, welcome back.

By the way, I kinda do want to know your favorite recipe for pumpkin soup.

[Kiki]

More MetroDad posts? This totally made my day.

[amy sue nathan]

Welcome back, Metro Dad. While you were gone, I...
just kidding!

[Helena]

It's posts like this one that explain why you have so many fans. Smart, honest, funny, and touching. Welcome back, MD. I'm looking forward to reading more of you.

[Brianna]

Awesome, so glad to hear you will be writing more! It's always fantastic to see you pop up on my reader feed : )

[irshlas]

So glad you're going to be writing more. I'm obviously one of your less witty fans. I just want to keep reading your insights. Do give us a hint on the pre-sale for the book. (I don't want to wait in any lines!)

[Melanie F]

I started reading your blog when I was single because I enjoyed your humorous take on life. It's hard to believe that since you've started, I got married and had a kid of my own. Throughout all of it, I've kept coming back here with just as much fervor as before. I'm so glad you'll be writing more here. I can't wait!

[Issa]

All these years and I've never taken you out of my reader. How could I? You were my first. ;)

Welcome back MD.

[whoorl]

Ohhhhh, so happy to read this. I eat up every word that you write!

[Cdvillasenor]

Welcome back, MD! I always enjoy your musings and glad to hear we're in for another season.

[Jenny]

Yay! I look forward to reading your blog again!

[mike]

Damn it. And here I was after more pumpkin soup recipes. For my Seinfeld-loving cat (who enjoys bringing dishes to the pta meeting). (Sorry, I couldn't help it once I started.) Great to have you back. I'd buy the shit out of your essay collection. Best of luck!

[YP]

Welcome back MD! I've missed you!

[Sean]

It's about fucking time, man. Welcome back!

[Darren]

I've long left daddy blogging too. But as long as you post a link on Facebook, I'll keep reading. And, yes, popularity indeed is a goal for the emotionally insecure.

[Maggie]

Oh thank god, my blog reading has been low on good humor for awhile!

[LOD]

Bullshit. We'll see plenty of #10. As it should be.

Welcome back. Next time we get dinner, I'll bring the Zantac.

[Redneck Mommy]

Oh welcome back! I found you just as you went dark. I'm glad you're shining a light on this space again.

[kittenpie]

Delighted to see you back! I hardly ever read anyone's blog anymore, but I'll totally make the effort to get over here now & then, because your sense of humour is straight up the dark side of my alley. Or something.

Meanwhile, I've pretty much abandoned my own blog because man, who has time? It was only ever a place for me to chat and ramble and occasionally write something that mattered to me, so while I miss that outlet sometimes, can't point you to anything I'm writing beyond book reviews and tweets these days!

[cg]

It's about f*ckin' time.

Welcome back.

Now get writing.

[Hetha]

Deez Nuts...

[Laura Mayes]

But I want your favorite recipe for pumpkin soup. In fact, I demand it.

[JMom]

Thank you. Like the poster above, I'm not all witty and clever but I certainly enjoy reading someone who is. I hope you are well and I hope this renewed blog means that life is good for you and your family.

[Angella]

I met you in NY and know exactly how awesome you are. I have you in my reader for a reason, dude. You are worth my (reading) time.

Hooray! for Pierre. :)

[Tricia]

You'll always be my blog crush, MD. Glad to have you back.

[the muskrat]

Kick ass! Glad to see you pop up in my reader again. As for me? We're trying to buy a new house, fix it up, and move into it in time to fry a turkey.

Does this mean you'll come to Austin in March for Dad 2.0? Or at least walk up to BlogHer '12 again?

[Yasmina]

I found your web page just a bit bf you slowed down, linked you anyway thinking you may come back to write again. BTW, don't make fun of our Chinese Gynastists again, otherwise, you may receive snakes in the mail...

[Allison]

Yeah!!

[Kristine (Mommy Needs Therapy)]

This makes me happy.

[Amy]

This is great news! You are the one and only, and we missed you for awhile... Glad you are back in action!

[Jessica]

I've already got visions of lining up for your book signing at my local Barnes & Noble with hordes of your fans, and taking comfort in the fact that I've been reading you since you first started. Write that book, MD!

[Pam]

Does dropkicking cats make my ass look big?

[derek]

"I like to think of this site as being very similar to a "mommy blog."

Except with real humor!

And 50% less crazy!"

This cracked me up (because it's true!)

[Busy Mom]

Best news I've heard in a long time. Rock it.

[Laura]

I always get so excited when you show up on my RSS feed, although lately I've been fearing it'll be a "goodbye forever"-type post. Glad to hear the opposite is true! Day = made.

[Jane R.]

I would be first in line to buy any book that you wrote!

[STRONGFathersME]

I'm not sure I approve of regular postings here. I'll miss the anticipation I feel as I click on your page in my DadBlogs folder, hoping to find a new post, but expecting to be disappointed.

But, I suppose I will adapt. I've been reading you for a long time and am looking forward to seeing what is to come.

Rock on Daddy-o.

[Denise]

Yeah! So glad you are back. It's great. Be encouraged, and write on!

[Natalie]

HOORAY! More nuts, less crazy: Me like!!!

[Harajuku Girl]

You were my first (blog that I read, that is), MD! You know... you never forget your first! Glad you're back!

[HL]

The return of the king! You're the original OG daddy blogger and still my favorite one out there. Glad to hear you're back.

[Schweeney]

I'm so glad you are back.
First time poster, long time reader.

[Chelle]

Hot Damn! I missed your blog. Peanut is about my oldest's age and I love hearing about other funny kids!

Welcome back...