I have repeatedly refused to chaperone the Peanut’s field trips, even when they were on days I wasn’t particularly busy at work and could easily have done so. The thought of riding in an old school bus with a bunch of screaming second graders holds about as much painstaking appeal to me as teaching my parents how to program their DVR.
Unfortunately, the Peanut’s most recent field trip happened to coincide with her seventh birthday. In the course of asking my lovely daughter what she wanted to do on her "special" day, she looked me dead straight in the eye and said, “I want you to chaperone my class trip.”
Damn, this kid is good.
As far as I can tell, the primary job requirement of a parent chaperone is ensuring that no child gets lost or left behind. Secondary responsibilities include poking straws into milk cartons, breaking up fights, wiping boogers, and fielding questions.
Lots of questions...
"Why do you wear sunglasses indoors?"
Because your pink Hello Kitty sweater is searing my corneas.
"Why are you wearing all black clothes?"
I’m mourning the loss of my childhood.
"What did you bring for lunch?"
Grilled iguana, a couple of corn dogs and a shrimp cocktail.
"What do you do for a living?"
Play drums in a Justin Bieber cover band.
"Where do you live?"
In a van down by the river.
This Guantanamo-style school bus interrogation literally went on for about fifteen minutes and ended only when the little midgets decided that my answers were wholly unsatisfactory. Suddenly, they turned their backs to me and yelled out to my daughter, “Hey Peanut, how come your dad is so weird?”
To which my daughter yelled back, “He’s not weird. He’s just goofy.”
Sarcasm is lost on the young.
To add insult to injury, the field trip was to see an experimental dance troupe. Had I known this beforehand, I would have faked my own death. Don't get me wrong. I am all for supporting the arts but spending two hours watching dancers reenact the anguished pain of a butterfly via interpretive movement is more than a man can bear.
In all honesty, I was hoping to catch a quick nap during the performance. Here's what I did instead:
(1) Smack three boys in the back of the head for talking loudly.
(2) Comfort a crying girl being mercilessly teased by two mean girls.
(3) Enact revenge on the mean girls by telling them that they were ugly.
(4) Learn the latest incarnations of the time-honored clapping game, Miss Mary Mack.
(5) Realize my shortcomings as a chaperone, leave the theater, and smoke a cigarette.
Apparently, the school has plenty of eager-beaver moms who are more than willing to volunteer for these trips so I'm fairly certain that my inaugural chaperone experience may have been my last.
Maybe I'll join the PTA instead.
Or maybe I'll do what a buddy's dad used to do whenever he was asked to volunteer for anything. He'd immediately whip out his checkbook and say, "Ok, whom do I have to write the check to make sure that I never even get asked to volunteer for anything again?"
Of course, this was the same father who once said to my friend, "I didn't even talk to you until you were three years old. Why? Because you had nothing interesting to say."
Pure genius.
Humble thanks to the folks over at Babble for naming me as one of the Top 50 Dad Blogs and also the Best Written. When I first started this site, there were very few men writing about their experiences as fathers. It warms the cockles of my soul that there are now enough to actually compile a list. I hadn't heard of many of these sites before so I'm eager to check them out. You should too.
Last time I chaperoned a class trip, I tripped on kid's skateboard and was in a cast for 2 months. I took that as a sign from God.
Posted by: Jeffrey K | October 28, 2011 at 11:52 AM
Try getting harangued into coaching a little league baseball team despite having no intention of ever coaching a little league baseball team.
I feel your pain.
(Congrats on the Babble thing.)
Posted by: Daddy Scratches | October 28, 2011 at 12:39 PM
The more I see how annoying my (and other people's) kids are in their various stages, i.e., Terrorist Toddler, Sarcastic Second Grader, Fatalistic Fifth Grader, etc., the more amazed and thankful I am that my parents did not take me out into the middle of Central Park and leave me there to be raised by squirrels.
Posted by: jjdaddyo | October 28, 2011 at 12:53 PM
LMAO! I chaperoned a 1st grade field trip to the LA Zoo last year, and my group of 5 kids (including my own) totally conspired against me! All of a sudden, they bolted down the hill at top speed and separated into two groups at a fork in the road. I couldn't believe I would be the a-hole nitwit who lost their kids. I did find them after a few minutes of huffing and puffing, and let me tell ya, reminding a group of 1st graders about "Who is in charge? I AM!" shows how not-in-charge one really is.
Posted by: Julie Kang | October 28, 2011 at 01:09 PM
Sweet Jesus field trips, ugh. I occasionally volunteer at my son's school with math or writing help or something, but it will be a cold day in hell before I go on a field trip. I have no idea why so many parents want to go on those things. To me, hell = managing and supervising other people's children. Just one of the many reasons I'm not a teacher.
Adding in the experimental dance troupe feature just makes it the 9th level of hell. As a character once said "I support the arts, I just don't want to have to see them."
Posted by: Maggie | October 28, 2011 at 01:20 PM
Good grief, next time you sign up to chaperon a field trip, I can just shoot you in the kneecap and trust me you will like it more than the field trip. Field trip with second graders to an interpretive dance show? I bet it can be used as an effective form of torture.
Posted by: lolismum | October 28, 2011 at 03:05 PM
I failed the cardinal rule of being a chaperone; I lost a kid. One second he was there, the next he was gone. Fifteen minutes of heart-wrenching panic and we found the kid hiding under a bench in the zoo. He was TRYING to get lost.
Last time I ever even thought about chaperoning a trip.
Posted by: Melanie | October 28, 2011 at 03:46 PM
Two posts in one week? I could get used to this!
Posted by: Gina | October 28, 2011 at 05:20 PM
'(3) Enact revenge on the mean girls by telling them that they were ugly'
Laughed so much when I read that! So glad you will be posting more!:)
Posted by: Rhi | October 28, 2011 at 05:46 PM
I have yet to participate in such an excursion and hope that I never will.
And as for the whipping out the checkbook? That's also how I've responded to any request to help a friend move for the past 10 years.
Posted by: the muskrat | October 28, 2011 at 07:33 PM
This post made my day! Hilarious! I'm a school nurse for a class of special education kids (K-6) and we are so glad we don't do field trips.
Today I got yogurt all over me, to think if that was experienced outdoors for everyone to see. That would be horrible.
Kudos to you for making it the whole trip. I hope Peanut enjoyed her gift. Very happy to see that Babble recognized your blog.
Happy Birthday to Peanut!
Posted by: Leannekoh | October 28, 2011 at 07:34 PM
Thanks for putting that song back in my head! My kids sang it incessantly the other day. Happy Birthday to Peanut!
Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack...
Posted by: Chelle | October 28, 2011 at 07:57 PM
Somehow, I don't see you signing up for any more field trips unless you get to go to a winery. Even then, I think the kids should take something to calm them down before they are let loose. Congrats on surviving!
Posted by: Nancy | October 28, 2011 at 08:25 PM
The only time I've ever contemplated suicide was when I had to explain to my mother over the phone how to program her tivo. Thought I was going to have a brain aneurysm. Haven't done a class trip yet though. Thanks for the heads up.
Posted by: CW | October 28, 2011 at 09:55 PM
I feel for you, man. I have not had the pleasure of chaperoning any of my kids' fiend...er, field trips.
As G.I. Joe says, "Knowing is half the battle." So I'll brace myself for those kids of gigs in the future.
Posted by: Carlo | October 28, 2011 at 11:06 PM
Top 50? You're the first and only dad blogger in my book, MD. Great post. Glad to see you writing more again. It always makes my day to see that you in my google reader.
Posted by: Teresa | October 29, 2011 at 12:03 AM
Awesome to see TWO new posts in one month.
can't wait to see what you guys did for Halloween. Really set the bar high with 'underage Chinese gymnast'
Posted by: Irrelevant | October 30, 2011 at 12:48 AM
"...mourning the loss of my childhood!" Love that! I hope you really said it to them!
Field trips are my least favorite too... and I am a mom!
Posted by: brownaround | October 30, 2011 at 07:08 PM
Huge crush...
Posted by: Olivia | October 30, 2011 at 11:13 PM
My 3.5 yr old prevents me from signing up to be a parent volunteer. Apparently there was a lot of crazy action at the end of the school year when 80 kids and 16 kamikaze parents went to the local amusement park... Congrats on Babble! You are the only Dad blog I read regularly!
Posted by: Amy | October 31, 2011 at 12:22 AM
My daughter is 13 now but this post reminds me of the time when I had to take one for the team and chaperone the kids to a puppet show...not sure which group was more hellish to deal with, the kids or the other chaperones. Glad those days are behind me.
Posted by: VGriffing | October 31, 2011 at 03:12 AM
It had never occurred to me until now, but I bet somebody has set up a Justin Bieber covers band somewhere in the world... maybe even more than one.
What a horrifying thought!
Posted by: Henry Elliss | October 31, 2011 at 07:50 AM
I would have paid money to watch you chaperone a bunch of second graders on a class trip. I did it a few years ago and still have nightmares about the experience.
Posted by: Jake | October 31, 2011 at 10:52 AM
Fairly certain they don't have milk cartons any more. Oh yes, there are dad blogs I was at an event last week and cornered by gaydadblog or something like that. As for the field trip just be happy you weren't assigned the carsick child or the asthmatic, I specialize in being assigned this type of stress-inducing monster.
Posted by: Lauren | October 31, 2011 at 11:37 AM
I'm a closet smoker. A stolen cigarette outside the theater would have refortified me. You're a good dad. :)
Posted by: Chrisy | October 31, 2011 at 11:50 AM
You are so funny! I actually enjoy chaperoning my child's field trips but don't usually get a chance because of work. I love fielding crazy, intrusive questions from strangers' kids.
Posted by: Maureen | October 31, 2011 at 02:08 PM
I sometimes feel guilty because, as a working mom, I'm never able to chaperone class trips. Then I hear stories like yours and I remember how glad I am that I never have to. Thanks for cheering me up, MD!
Posted by: Linda | October 31, 2011 at 03:42 PM
Wait until Peanut is in HS and maybe plays an instrument...then does Marching Band wherein they require 2 parents per 15 on the bus...you ride on the one Peanut is not on and you bring a shitload of cool candy...enough for each kid... Blow pops, dum-dums or the halloween size stuff...When competing is over, you get to be cool because you gave 'em candy and a few bucks to the kid who forgot his dinner money...and know a cool song or two...BAM- You are an instant teen fave. Who said you couldn't bribe them to be easy and well-behaved? They'll love them some "MetroD" just like the kids love them some "Mama A." Love your stuff and I totally didn't volunteer--much.
Posted by: DefendUSA | November 01, 2011 at 03:26 PM
It's a good thing I've never been subjected to taking kids anywhere fieldtrippy. In Japan I could keep their interest with the offer of anything out of the ordinary -- candy, stickers, a recitation of Fox in Socks really fast, or just letting them touch my hair. Take them out of their seats, however, and I'd have had to zip-tie their wrists together. You're a survivor, man.
Posted by: Xibee | November 02, 2011 at 07:45 PM
I read this blog really its very interesting nice blog.thanks a lot.
Posted by: funny posts | November 03, 2011 at 08:09 AM
Too funny, MD.
Posted by: Ryan | November 03, 2011 at 11:24 AM
I am usually asked to chaperone field trips because my son in "energetic". I also get stuck with all the other energetic boys. Obviously the school thinks I am made of steel. I just chaperoned a field trip where we took a public bus! I think that hell trumps your interpretive dance.
Posted by: the weirdgirl | November 05, 2011 at 08:23 PM
I am a mom that feels the way you do about class trips. I'd rather twist a broken bottle in my ear. But then...anything for my kid so I recently chaperoned my son's class to a wildlife preserve. Imagine my dismay when not only did I have to herd the kids and tell them to keep their hands to themselves, I had to TEACH THE LESSON!!
Posted by: Grace | November 12, 2011 at 10:43 AM
Aww, so glad you went. I bet she loved having you along. I've been on many field trips with my boys to help chaperone and get to know their teachers and classmates better.
Posted by: Kila | November 12, 2011 at 08:34 PM
I absolutely LOVE your posts, MetroDad!
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Posted by: Thesis Writing | February 21, 2012 at 02:44 AM
well, then i'm definitely the one on the right. birlliant, but missing several pieces that would nicely round out the package. heh. package.sorry. i just bombed a midterm. you're getting my post-completion stress reaction.Left by amy on October 6th, 2005
Posted by: Shuho | April 15, 2012 at 11:20 AM
goodbye, loaded their gear, and gave away hugs, the praents and siblings watched with a mixture of sadness and joy! Haley and their fine roadie, Rory, got everyone organized, counted, and loaded onto the bus. The families all stood and looked at the darkened windows of the bus wishing the windows were clearer: crying and smiling and already missing our kids and family! After an absolute eternity the bus lumbered out of the studio parking lot.Thanks Kathy. Thanks Haley. Thanks Rory. Thanks also to George for providing the Feezie Pops (time for the kids to figure out how to get to their wet naps). Thanks to everyone who made this fabulous adventure possible.BON VOYAGE!!!!
Posted by: Mari | July 04, 2012 at 12:29 PM
Ah, the field trip. Thanks for talking about this. That is peclisrey where I was yesterday at Plimoth Plantation with 2 busloads of 2nd graders. My PA son is not yet in elementary school so this was actually my non-allergic son's class. There are three PA students in his class of 20. There are other PA kids in the other 3 classes as well. Here are 2 things that bothered me during yesterday's field trip.1. Only the teacher had the epi-pens and the three PA kids were with 3 different chaperones (sans epi-epns) wandering in 3 separate groups all over Plimoth Plantation. How would the epi-pens ever have gotten to those kids in time?2. The PA/TNA child in my group ate with us at tables in an enclosed outdoor tented area. His brother (also PA/TNA) is in a different class. His teacher made him eat standing, away from all the other children, outside the tented enclosure, with her because she was worried about what might be on the tables. While I appreciate her effort to protect him, I am under the impression that all one needs to do is wipe a table down and you're good to go . I felt bad for him having to eat away from his buddies. Maybe he didn't even notice, but I made a mental note of it for my PA son's future field trips.I am planning to follow in Libby's footsteps and attend all field trips. Fortunately, this is one of the few food allergy issues the school has addressed they prefer the parents of food allergic children come on field trips.
Posted by: Yahir | July 04, 2012 at 04:22 PM
Kelly, your story really hit home for me! I have been there, oh boy have I. The siutitaon where your child was surrounded by PB sandwiches that happened to my daughter at a Girl Scout (non-school sponsored) field trip. Luckily, she stays far away from the stuff so she was OK. But still!My former school was so used to me calling the health office regarding field trip procedures that they were literally waiting for my call after the first 2 times. But they always had the action plan in place I think my nagging worked! Our new school now offers a health aide to attend field trips with non-allergic kids if the parents aren't chaperoning. This is amazing to me, but I still want myself or my husband to attend a field trip just to see how it all goes.It's a wonder we let them out at all, isn't it? But, at least they're learning how to cope with their allergies w/out us around. I'm glad everything worked out for your son and let's be glad our kids are so well-versed in their allergies.
Posted by: Sorena | July 04, 2012 at 04:29 PM
Where would I find definitive ecndeive that peanuts are an airborn allergen? I would like to show that to my husbands idiot doctor! Someone walked past my husband at work with a bowl of something with peanut sauce on it and my husband went into anaphylactic shock. He went to see an allergist a few days later at his employers request and the doctor told him that anaphylaxis from being NEAR peanuts was impossible and it was all in his head. I was furious!!! So, if you have some good ecndeive I would love a link. Thank you
Posted by: Leopoldo | July 04, 2012 at 05:25 PM
Ive made an account on USAU and fellid out the waiver, however is possible to only pay the one time tournament fee of 10$ for wildwood or do I have to do the 50$ membership that expires in december if i only plan on playing in this one tourny?
Posted by: Mia | July 04, 2012 at 06:03 PM
I lose interest in thnigs quickly.a0 Two exceptions are:a0 my fiance9 and blogging.a0 I have lost interest somewhat quickly in every guy I ever dated except for G.a0 Scarily enough, my interest in him continues to grow each day.a0 Sometimes it drives me crazy!a0 The other is blogging.a0 Although my interest in the actual act of blogging ebbs and flows (most due to lack of time or thnigs to write about), if I’m not writing, I am stalking your blogs like crazy!a0 I am a tad obsessed with blogs (even if I’m not commenting, I am totes reading).a0 A third thing that might be added to the list is health/fitness … but I even lose interest in working out sometimes … which is why I am always having to change thnigs up.
Posted by: Melina | July 04, 2012 at 07:13 PM
Wow Kelly, I think you hit a hot spot. My allergic boys are still in proshcoel so it is a pretty controled environment. But, my PA son starts kindergarten next year in public school. There are so many things to worry about. I am really suprised at the lack of planing by the school to make sure the PA kids are with their EPI pen. Given the stories I have read here we will do everything possible to make sure either my son or I attends his field trips.
Posted by: Visar | July 06, 2012 at 07:07 AM
Please document these envtes .be able to prove they are true .do not slander, the truth is the truth .. and then post the Family Tree of the Bully on here, list the entire family and their place of employment and where they all attend school, be sure to use the city, county and state. Peer disapproval has always been the best medicine for such behavior. I bet when the parents get a taste of the humiliation it will stop or at least slow down. When someone does a search for this issue on google, etc., we will then see the name of the BULLY and their family, school place of employment and any other available information. I would probably even list their address and the cars they drive. Let us put a stop to this.
Posted by: John | July 06, 2012 at 07:15 AM
Just found your wonderful blog through A Mom's Year. Love your style! I'm sick too... definitely sucks.
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Posted by: Justi | July 26, 2012 at 02:58 AM
Stacy, the main, public-facing Cleveland State webstie is currently being redeveloped (). While the new site will contain a variety of information, it's main focus will be on prospective students. CougarNet is a completely separate site focused on current students and employees. Content and feature updates are coming for this site too. Details will be posted as they become available.
Posted by: Cheikh | August 04, 2012 at 06:29 PM
I bet when the parents get a taste of the humiliation it will stop or at least slow down. When someone does a search for this issue on google, etc., we will then see the name of the BULLY and their family, school place of employment and any other available information. I would probably even list their address and the cars they drive. Let us put a stop to this.
Posted by: yates en Ibiza | August 26, 2012 at 07:16 AM