When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

Two things I've always said I wouldn't do are (1) join Twitter, and (2) sign up for an online dating site.

However, this has been a busy summer for me. I won't go into all the details but I've found myself with very little "me" time. When I'm not working, traveling, renovating my apartment, spending time with friends, or hanging out with the Peanut, I just haven't had much free time to meet new women to date.

Now back in the days when I was single, online dating never really existed.

These days, it's all the rage.

So, in a panic, I called BossLady today to discuss this with her. She not only reminded me that we'd been to several weddings where the couples had met online but she also alerted me to the fact that times had changed and I should embrace technology and the world of online dating. She even gave me a ton of advice about which dating sites to avoid. Awesome!

Here's the problem.

As my buddy James has reminded me, I have a somewhat offbeat sense of humor. If I'm going to date online, I might as well cut to the chase. As James said, "Listen, bro. They're going to find out sooner or later. You might as well float it out there." Good advice.

Of course, James is the same guy who joined Match.com and used Ray Charles' bio as his "About Me."

And no, he wasn't born the black son of a Florida sharecropper. 

Anyway, I took his advice and, as an experiment, signed up for an online dating site for the first time. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing so I could use any advice, assistance, or help that you can offer.

For better or worse, here's my online profile:

I was born on a remote island in the South Pacific and now reside between Manhattan and Paris. Of course, by that, I mean Manhattan, Kansas and Paris, Texas.

At the age of 11, I was visiting relatives in Tijuana and, on a dare, entered a local variety show. To make a long story short, I wound up winning the coveted Chimichanga Award for Best New Asian Actor in a Mexican production of "Oklahoma."

This brought me fame at an early age. When I returned home, I was a huge celebrity and was often featured on local TV. Of course, since I lived on a small island with limited access to technology, there were only 5 families tuning in (7 during the vernal equinox!)

Eventually, I grew weary of an entertainer’s life and all the trappings of fame…the party, the interview, the stalker.

At the tender age of 17, through an administrative error, I received a football scholarship to Smith College. With a heavy heart, I kissed my family goodbye to explore the world beyond.

It was then I realized my dream of becoming a self-taught mathematician. With a little help from the Rand Corporation, I was able to solve Fermat’s Theorem and use that knowledge to help invent Spanx.

The rest is history. I do get lonely sometimes but I simply won’t settle. It seems most American women don’t have a knack for hunting wild boar. Despite my wealth and prosperity, I’m just truly a really nice guy at heart and no matter where life takes me, I will never forget my roots (nor my wonderful memories of foraging for roots.)

All kidding aside, I'm a very open, fun, honest, and down-to-earth guy. I truly believe in enjoying all that life has to offer. I have amazing friends, a beautiful daughter, and a great life that I'm looking to share with someone special.

I'm a born-and-raised New Yorker with an urbane wit and great sense of humor. I'm a hopeless romantic with an optimistic outlook on life. I take great pleasure in life's smaller moments. And as much as I like to have fun, I also have a very serious contemplative side that likes to explore my inner self.

I'm looking for someone who is kind, passionate, loving, honest, independent, funny, loyal and intelligent. My perfect match is someone comfortable in her own skin with a high degree of emotional intelligence.

And who gets my sense of humor.

What do you guys think? I'm going to die alone, aren't I? 

P.S. By the way, I joined Twitter too. If you want, follow me here.

Comments

[Amanda]

That is PERFECT. I would tell you good luck, but I don't think you'll need it because that profile should act like a perfect strainer, weeding out the lesser candidates.

I really can't fathom all these comments that it's too long, etc...it makes me pity for the future of our world when people can't appreciate well-written tongue-in-cheek. I suppose you could always write, "Sup, how YOU doin'? Hit me back, girl!"

[Mei]

Your writing style is awesome ♥ .. I'm sad I'm taken too

[YK]

You had me at "administrative error."

[Lydzchan]

Also, don't forget to tell your future lady that you like pina colada and getting caught in the rain. Not much into yoga, and you like champagne. I think that'd really get her going.

[Hanni]

Truly awesome, MD. I wouldn't change a thing about your profile. I'm sure there will be those who won't read it through, but you wouldn't want those women anyway. And it just weeds out the women with no sense of humor who can't read.

But I wouldn't be too sure that American women don't have a knack for hunting wild boar...I have, with a bow and arrow, no less!

[Kyle]

Every woman's profile says she "kind, passionate, loving, honest, independent, funny, loyal and intelligent", they usually leave the bitter, hateful, moronic and boring for when you meet them in person...surprise, surprise! .

[Paige Jennifer]

Hey, easy on the Smith jab, buddy. You aren't going to land one of us with that barb. And you want us, you need us. As the saying goes: Smith to bed, Holyoke to wed, Amherst to talk to.

So, yeah.

Go get 'em, Tiger!

[Lexa]

*DISCLAIMER* I apologize in advance to your inner grammar Nazi for any mistakes I made while writing this, English is not my first language.*END OF DISCLAIMER*

I feel so much like the bad guy, going against what almost everyone else says, but I actually didn't like the profile all that much, and it was weird because I was actually set to like it, I mean, I've read your blog and I know I like you. So, what was wrong?

I think it's the beginning... while it elicited a lopsided smile at the "party, interview, stalker" part, it mostly felt plotted, like: "let's write something that will make me look funny". I think it will go well with some people, but with it you are letting slip some of the intelligent ones that like witty funny remarks but not this kind of fun made up stories.

If you really were asking for opinions I suggest you to use your "Diary of a single dad" post as a profile, it's fun, it's smart and it's you. (And at least you will be sure not to get those kind of dates again!) And I suggest you post some of the things you like, ie: Music Bands, Movies, Books, etc. Common ground is always a great place to start!

I wish you the best with your online dating. If nothing else, it will get you unlimited resource for new posts! :)

[Pattie]

That's awesome that BossLady gave you online-dating advice. And your profile is hilarious. Some woman out there will appreciate your sense of humor. :)

[Maddy]

That's probably the most heartfelt and perfect 'about' write ups I've read.

[Stella]

All the best to you :) u are so charming ,i am 100% you can find yur miss right:) BY the way, do know ANDY Lau, the hongkong super star, you look a bit like him:)

All the best :)

[Muskrat]

You forgot to include "loves to touch the naughty bits." I suppose a postscript isn't prohibited, is it?

[Lisa]

That is an awesome profile.

Until "all kidding aside." Forget all that. You suddenly forget the whole concept of show, don't tell. Virtually EVERYONE writes a profile like "I'm a very open, fun, honest, and down-to-earth guy."

Oh, and in the earlier part, take out any mention of money.

[JYN]

Best of luck. Of course you want someone who "gets" you, but don't forget to look for someone who is strong where you are weak. Also, if it comes down to being with someone who is outstandingly brilliant or authentically joyful, I would go with joyful every time. The former is tempting, but a depressed genius is still depressing.

[DG]

Is it me or is it weird that you ask your ex for dating advice? Srsly.

[SPK]

You had me at Chimichanga Award. Freaking love this profile. If I didn't live 10,000 miles away, I'd date you!

[Daddy Geek Boy]

I like it!

It's a good filter for who gets it.

[Cindy Y]

Your profile goes against every piece of dumb advice from every women's magazine about how you should present yourself on a dating site but I love it! Hope it works out for you.

[Jenlyjen]

Normal people do look for love online. Normal but very busy women. What's to lose?? I think the writeup is good - but take less time getting to the "All kidding aside" section. Also I recommend removing any mention of Spanx...a woman won't want to think about sucking in her gut while reading your bio.

[Lauren Slayton]

First, welcome to twitter. You held out on tweeting but have no issue with FB? Interesting. Isn't that like saying you will not eat McDonalds and loving BK? Second, I sense a fib. And it's not about the football scholarship to Smith or celebrity at an early age. Not to worry, wink wink, I'm from Fort Lee Manhattan too or the very West side. Third, in online dating (I don't even think the internet existed when I met my husband, at 16!) and in life I think, unless a total joke, profile pic must look like you. Not you 10 years ago or you on a very good day but you. As always loved the post. Say hi to metro-bro.

[Doug B.]

You're a funny motherfucker.

[Lavender]

Hello MD! I came across your blog through a recommendation from a friend and have been following you since. It is refreshing to see someone with a great sense of humor like you. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor to find your suitable mate!

PS Welcome to technology! Definitely following you on Twitter! tweet tweet :)

[Marina]

Just started following you on Twitter. You're a natural. Half of them had me laughing out loud. (I know you hate LOL!)

[anna]

Wow, what made you decide to join Twitter?

[Sandra]

There should be no way you are still single. You had better take all the me time you can because you will be snatched up right quick. Now everyone knows that you are looking for a true girl friend. Good Luck and Happy Hunting!

[Becky]

Great to have you back. I am new to twitter, too. It has been hard to find time to do all the things I have in the fire. I hope that you find who you want that will enjoy you and little peanut.

[R2Dad]

No mention of feet? Your wheels would be catnip to a podophile.
Best of luck. Dating the second time around isn't going to be anything like you remember.

[NG]

Best dating profile description I've ever read. I would totally date you... you know... if I wasn't married and stuff already, that is.

[Daisee113]

Hi MetroDad!

I love your writing and quirky humor, but you know that already so I won't fuel your Korean ego any further. However, I hate to say that I was a little disappointed by your dating profile. It was funny and made me chuckle, but it felt a little too forced or contrived. The humor didn't come off as effortless as in your other writing.

Anyway, I'm glad to see you making a lot of progress. And hey, if you find someone fantastic, feel free to let me know that my advice was completely useless!

[Kim]

I’m old, perimenopausal, unhappily married for way too long and I think this bio is slightly erotic. Love it!

[Sandra Chin]

Metrodad, love is very much like shopping - when you purposely go out looking for something to buy, you usually forage through a ton of stuff and end up buying nothing - but when you are not looking, out on an unexpected jaunt, you will find something to treasure.....or maybe I have got the wrong approach to shopping????

[Katie D.]

As someone who has spent a fair amount of time on dating sites, I think you'll get some interesting responses from women. Most men put up the MOST INANE profiles, it's absurd how trite they are.

They all want women who can go from jeans to black tie. Comfortable in the city and the beach. Likes travel, long walks and great food.

Ugh...so boring!

Let us know how it goes.

[joan]

Love a good sense of humor, but if you hadn't writen the second half, it might have thrown some people off. :)

[Jrock]

Ha, great ad! Die alone? I doubt it, but you'll have to go through this new dating world a bit before you get to that special someone.

I have a Twitter account and never use it. But now that you're on it and I can read some good MD tweets, I'm all in! Ha, ha!

Good luck MD!

[JD]

no offense, but a little bit too long. i would edit if i were you. good luck!

[veep veep]

lol What Gemma said

[Gertrude]

I love your humor. I've reading your blog for sometime now and love what you wrote. Are you interested in getting to know my niece? She is a wonderful Asian girl, working in NY.

[Jae Young]

omg, you're on twitter! I haaate it, but I succumbed and started following people, so now I feel less guilty! I am looking forward to 140 characters of pure laughter on a regular basis <3

Good luck with the online dating. I have terrible luck, but I think it's because people are just weird in our fair city, whether you meet them online or in the supermarket or at bars, etc etc. You are definitely a catch!

[Nikki]

Are you going to keep us posted on your adventures? You kind of have to now, don't you? Wouldn't be fair to your readers otherwise. Puh-lease!!!

[Christa]

Awesome profile! I met my husband online and as long as you're smart and get to know someone it works well...alot of weird to weed through too! Good Luck! I agree you want the woman who takes the time to read it and respond appropriately...its at least something to work from! If I were single...I'd be signing up everywhere and trying to find you myself! At the very least it will be a wild ride and good banter for future blogs!

[Mathew]

I am glad that you want to get back out there. You little girl will benefit from a lady in the house, too.

[NYCgrl]

Good Luck! I've never tried online dating but this line would have gotten my attention "I'm a born-and-raised New Yorker with an urbane wit and great sense of humor."

I think making a great impression on first date is overrated. You should go for medium impression enough to garner another date but not enough to make all subsequent dates fizzle.

[Liselle]

If it were allowed, I'd love to start a website featuring the insane profiles of men I've seen online. Some of them are frighteningly hilarious. You'll be fine out there, MD. Normal, sane and funny guys are the smallest minority. Good luck!

[Judy]

It is nice to see you write again. It is even better that you are wanting to go on with your life. Do not forget to take time for you and peanut. She will need you even more the older she gets.

[Nina]

If I weren't married, I'd totally be doing online dating right now. I find the idea of corresponding first (notice I use "corresponding" and not "emailing") very romantic. *sigh*

I think your profile will attract exactly the kind of women that would not bore and/or annoy you to death. Which is to say, it is perfect.

[Asianmommy]

Good luck out there! & please keep us posted.

[dentist wakefield]

This was such a well articulated article, thank you for your time in putting it together and sharing it with everyone.

[Dora]

Hi MetroDad. Here from @singlemomseekin's tweet. Your profile is great! I'm sure you'll get lots of interest. You'll probably get treated like "new meat" on the dating site.

I'm a single mom by choice here in town, and I'd go out on a date with you if I weren't so damn tired! My daughter is going on nine months and only occasionally sleeps through the night. Maybe lunch or coffee? Sorry, but I won't wear Spanx for you. My c-section tummy is what it is. As for dying alone, my daughter and her future husband are going to let me live with them, right? Oh, leave me my delusions!

[keiko]

You HAVE to post about your dating adventures, don't you? PRETTY PLEASE!

[Michelle]

I met my now-husband online, and I totally believe it can happen for you. I think you have a great profile, *but* I would suggest shortening the initial story. It's amusing and it gets your humor across, but about 3/4 of the way through it, I started to wonder if you were going to get to the meaty stuff (your true bio). If I had been looking at you as a potential, I would have initially been attracted to the humor, but might have stopped early, wondering if it was ever going to get serious. As we know, life requires a balance of the two!