CHAOS THEORY: August 2010

Can it really be August 30? Labor Day weekend is coming up. Football season is right around the corner. The Peanut starts first grade in two weeks. And I've yet to sign up for those surfing lessons in Montauk that I swore I was going to do all summer!

In lieu of any actual real writing, I offer only the following...

THE FOOD NETWORK IN LIVING COLOR

My five-year-old daughter is hooked on the Food Network.

A few months ago, we were walking in Tribeca and she casually said, "Hey look, there's Bobby Flay." The funny thing is that it was Bobby Flay.

Before I continue, let me just say that my daughter and I have never had any conversations about race. She knows she's Korean but, aside from that, I kind of dig the fact that she doesn't think about race, color, or creed.

And because I went to high school with Alex Guaranaschelli and we've hung out with Aarón Sanchez a few times, she automatically thinks we're constantly surrounded by Food Network stars.

Hence, every black couple is the Neelys. Every punk guy with bleached hair is Guy Fieri. And every vaguely ethnic-looking brunette is Giada Di Laurentis.

This wouldn't be so bad if 5 year olds had a sense of discretion and subtlety. Unfortunately, they tend to say whatever is on their mind...THE MOMENT IT ENTERS THEIR BRAINS.

So, to the large white woman on the uptown 6 train today, I sincerely apologize for the fact that my overly-enthusiastic fangirl daughter excitedly pointed at you and screamed at the top of her lungs, "Oh my God, Paula Deen! I LOVE BUTTER TOO!"

"HOW TO COOK A STEAK" BY ALEX BALK

Though I greatly enjoy good food, I'm certainly no snob about it. I find "foodie" to be one of the more obnoxious self-aggrandizing descriptions one could ever apply to one's self. Hence, I get enormous enjoyment out of Alex Balk's description of how to cook a steak.

I hope you will too...

Go to the goddamn grocery and get a steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don't give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a big-ass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck—it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you're stupid enough to touch it—put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don't even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side. When you're done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer's 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you've taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that's what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you.

TEXT MESSAGING FOR DUMMIES: Vol. 5

Recent text messages from my friends. As always, unfiltered and unedited. For better or worse.

"I want to have just enough money so that I don't have to take my kids to the movies. Is that wrong?"

"Peeing in the shower is my swimming with dolphins."

"I go where the MILFS are at so, yeah, I Twitter."

"We're naked in the pool and eating lobster tails. Come over!" 

"Just kidding about the pool and lobster tails. We're putting the kids down to bed. Come over anyway and pick up some wine and cigarettes on your way over!"

"P.S. I'm totally serious about the wine and the cigarettes."

"Just call me Mama Boom Boom."

"Methinks ye are truly olde schoole."

"Zoe just wet willied a stranger at a party she thought was you. Is that racist?"

"Starting to think that the best thing about make-up sex is the fighting."

"Match is all WASPs and Koreans. You should go on JDate."

"Sure, she seems crazy now but maybe in 100 years, she'll be considered one of the greatest minds of our time."

"Hey, man. You ever use cruise control in a car? This is some serious Star Wars shit!"

"What's scarier to see when you walk into a girl's apartment for the first time? A bunch of cats or a stack of wedding magazines?

THE ANXIETY OF INFLUENCE

It's an indisputable fact of life that we are all influenced by our families.

Especially by our parents.

On the surface, we're lucky if we escape with a few innocently charming personality quirks like subconsciously singing "My Favorite Things" while cleaning the fridge in your underwear or choosing to always eat the food on your plate in alphabetical order.

At the same time, let's not underestimate the fact that few things have a greater emotional influence on us (or cause more psychic damage on us) than our parents. Like it or not, we are generally the sum total of their influences. Their beliefs, strengths, and fears often become our own.

Or do they?

Last week, BossLady took the Peanut to Coney Island for her first roller coaster ride. Naturally, I wasn't with them. However, BossLady was kind enough to send me an entire video of the experience.

For almost four minutes, my daughter can be heard on film gleefully screaming over and over, "Oh my God! This is amazing. Let's do it again!"

I must have watched this video twenty times already and, each time, I'm struck by the same things.

How is it that the same little girl who is terrified of insects, the movie "UP," and oceans show no fear in the face of riding rollercoasters, jumping off the top of jungle gyms, and racing down the streets of NYC on her bicycle?

And how is it that my daughter shows no sign of my own deep-seated phobia of roller coasters? By the same token, is it a coincidence that, as a child, I spent endless nights in the ER because I was constantly jumping off jungle gyms or fearlessly crashing my bike into cars?

In my self-absorbed circuitous way of constantly thinking about parenting, I then started pondering about what personal traits of mine are getting passed on to my daughter...in both good and bad ways.

Parenting sometimes alternates between being an exercise in narcissism and reinvention. If we're truly honest with ourselves, we have to admit that we want our children to inherit those attributes that we find most admirable in ourselves while, at the same time, we dread passing on those less likable character traits that we have failed to internally overcome. 

There is nothing wrong with that. It's wholly natural, isn't it?

And while parenting does add an extra dimension to the "nature vs. nurture" debate, these days, I find myself caring less about the origins of my daughter's traits as I do about seeing how they develop.

My daughter is almost six years old now and while I offer her all the love, advice and guidance of which I am capable, I'm starting to quickly realize how many things will actually be beyond my control. She will, for better or worse, develop into her own person.

Man, that's scary.

Maybe even scarier than rollercoasters.

Comments

[MetroDude]

Happy Fall to you, MD - and GO BEARS!

[Katherine @ Grass Stains]

You're right ... SO much of it is out of our control. This is particularly disturbing as I try to figure out whether my middle child is brilliant or a sociopath ... or both. ;)

[Naomi]

This post pretty much sums up why I love reading you so much.

[NYCgrl]

Lol. I laughed and then I nearly cried. Peanut is the cutest thing ever. I was once talking to my husband about Wiley Dufresne while standing near St Marks place and then the real Wiley walks by.

The Peanut is a girl after my own heart. Love the Peanut

[Jamie B.]

Did you go to Yale, MD? Harold Bloom was my favorite professor at Yale and "Anxiety of Influence" was my favorite book in college (despite the fact that I found it narcissistic for a professor to put his own book on his syllabus.)

[pam]

Fuk, I thought I knew how to cook a steak too..............

[BOSSY]

Similarly, Bossy recently thought of a good litmus test: IF you don't want your kid to turn out exactly like your spouse, you have no business procreating with them. Happy end of summer, MetroDad.

[twizzle]

My 6 yr old daughter is the same way about mis-identifying people based on some Food Channel personality she's seen. I am sure she'd mistake any pudgy white woman for Paul Deen. She gets it from her (Korean) halmoni, who thinks that any tall and thin black guy w/ close-cropped hair and suit looks "just like Barack Obama!"

[NYCgrl]

"despite the fact that I found it narcissistic for a professor to put his own book on his syllabus"

All professors do this though. Not trying to be snarky but why would a prof write a book & not champion his own work in his own field of study? I would also assume he gets royalties from the sale of his books which is an added incentive, narcissistic or not.

[Karina]

I like how you can be both funny and touching all at the same time. The Peanut sounds hilarious. Five is a fun age!

[nonlineargirl]

My daughter doesn't watch food network, but she often asks Ada if the NBA stars she sees are they guys her dad plays with. (I don't really get why he says no.)

[MsV]

It's scarier to have a teen. I'm just sayin'.

Mine just turned 13. **shivers**

[SciFi Dad]

SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy) Metrodad scares me. We need more lobster and cigarettes and less self-exploring revelations that turn into a complete mindfuck when you start to wonder, "Did she _learn_ that from me, or _inherit_ that from me?" ;)

[Muskrat]

I have a feeling the text about chasing MILFs via Twitter was yours. Just a hunch.

[anna]

I'm almost 30 and I'm still trying to get over the trauma of my mom.

[Libby]

The Paula Deen story had me laughing out loud. My daughter is obsessed with her. Part of it is her charming southern accent. Part of it has to do with the butter.

[Sandra chin]

Man, even at eight months old my daughter Serenity (no, she rarely is) is displaying a character that is all her own. My mother in law thinks the only thing I passed down to my baby is my ears. Wtf?

[Fiona]

Dude! Glad to see you're still alive and hilarious -- haven't read your posts in a while but I'm swiftly reminded of why your blog is the only one I track (since My Tiny Kingdom is no more). Your insights are yum, your daughter is adorable and thank you, thank you for that link to the Steak website: flippin' gold! (Bonus was the Cee-Lo video for "***k You" that I found there, delish!)

Thanks for sharing...

[Angela]

Like your daughter, I am pretty much hooked on Food Network too. The local cable tv company just brought in the channel recently and yes, I love it.

I am from Singapore and I just started reading your blog recently. :)

[Redvelvetdiary]

Love the "how to cook a steak" segment. Genius. And comes in particularly handy for me since I don't have a grill. Damn condo living.

[Jennifer]

"Mama Boom Boom"-I like that. I need a new moniker. Can I steal that?

[teufelkindsvater]

What's with the steak hate? Griddle/pan searing is a poor substitute for F.I.R.E.

Cavemen got it... why can't he?

Meat + Fire = Good. But not too much fire.

Cooking a good cut of meat for 10 minutes (5 per side) should be considered a crime.

Sorry, just sayin'.

[Jessy]

This is a great article. I really enjoyed reading it. You seem to have alot going on in your life. Good Luck!

[g]

Got a crick in my neck patting myself on the back for catching this one:

"How is it that the same little girl who is terrified of insects, the movie "UP," and oceans show no fear in the face of riding rollercoasters, jumping off the top of jungle gyms, and racing down the streets of NYC on her bicycle?"

Should say "shows." Girl is singular.

Metrodad, if you were anyone else I wouldn't have bothered to point it out... but I know a grammar geek like you will appreciate my diligence.

P.S. Great post

[JYN]

Love Food Network. Best kids' programing around.

I've always believed the first duty of a parent is to enjoy his/her child's company. You seem to have that covered pretty well:)

[MetroDad]

Nice catch, G!

[Jacob]

Excuse me, where's Peanut!! :P
I miss hearing hilarious stories about you and you're adorable daughter.
Hope you've been well buddy!

[Jacob]

I mean pictures too(:

[Jessy]

You do have alot of things going on in your life. I would like to have half the fun you do. I get to read and enjoy what is going on in your life, that way, I feel like fun things are happening in mine. I hope that you will get you the love of your life and you and peanut will be very happy.

[Kila]

Loved the post, but I kept going back up to re-read, "The Peanut starts first grade in two weeks." How is that possible?! I started reading you when she was 3 I think? They grow so fast. Hope she gets off to a fabulous start this school year!

[Dr. Cynicism]

HA! What I wouldn't give to have been sitting near "Paula Dean" when that happened. God bless the youth - they outright say what each of us secretly thinks.

[LeeMarvin]

What's really going to frost your cake is when you see your traits in your grand children...talk about anxiety!

I know you "think" you have a ways to go, but it kind of creeps up on you.

My wife and I became grand parents recently, and baby boy has some physical and emotional traits from my wife. It's funny and scary at the same time.

It shows us how powerful we are in passing on our traits, and how powerless we are in controlling what we pass.

[Kathy]

I do believe you little girl is going to be a great cook one day. I would not be surprised if, she did not have her own cooking show, too. Great post.

[irretrievably broken]

Whoever wrote the thing about how the best thing about makeup sex is the fighting? That's my favorite of your twitter friends.

[Kim]

I love to check in with you. You always have alot going on and my life is so dull. You make me smile even when you think that things are going crazy.

[Donna]

I hope that she does one day have her own cooking show. She would get to make all those great dishes and make alot of money doing it. You would never have to worry where to go for a good meal.

[Maggie]

I would not be able to pick people off the street like your daughter does. I have seen the show but, I guess I do not pay that close attention to the person, just the food.

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