Zone Defenses & The Universe Explained

Any time the Peanut sees a family with a lot of kids, she thinks it's absolutely hilarious.

About a year ago, she caught a few minutes of John & Kate Plus 8 and thought it was the most outrageous thing she'd ever witnessed. She was immediately hooked on the show and demanded that we watch it every night before bed. For weeks, I was inundated with questions.

How do they remember everyone's name?

What happens if they all have to poop at the same time?

Do you think they all fit in the bathtub together?

Other times, she'd sit in front of the TV with her jaw dropped, her eyes wide open and say, "Holy cow, can you believe they have all those kids? That's CRAZY!"

Whenever she says that, I always tell her, "I know. I only have YOU and I've got my hands full. CRAZY!"

That always makes her howl with laughter.

But in all honesty, I'm always in awe of parents who have more than two kids. I mean, it's one thing to play one-on-one when you have two kids but when the parents are outnumbered by their kids, can you really switch to a zone defense?

Two of my best friends recently had their third child. Being fully obsessed with babies, the Peanut loves talking about the new baby as much as she can. Last week, she had a conversation with my brother (MetroBro) that caused all of us to simultaneously laugh and hold our breaths.

As relayed by MetroBro, the conversation went like this:

"And Eliot and Sadie have a baby brother Leo and he's SO TINY! All of him is as big as my head!"
"That's very small."
"He's SO TINY! It's 'cause he was just born."
"Can you believe you were ever that small, Peanut?"
"Uh-huh!"
"And so was I! And so were your Mommy and Daddy!"
"That's 'cause EVERYONE is tiny when they're just born."
"That's right."
"EVERYONE."
(thoughtful pause)
"Uncle Nels? How were the first people made? If they didn't have a Mommy and Daddy?"
"Uh... Did you ask Mommy or Daddy this question?"
"No! I'm asking you!"
"Okay, well, hmm, do you know what evolution is?"
"No."
"You know how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly?"
"Yes."
"Well, that's a kind of evolution, when an animal changes into another animal."
"No, but I mean the first PEOPLE."
"Yes. The first people came when human beings changed from other animals into people."
(silence)
"Does that make sense?"
"Uh-huh."
(silence)
"And, uh, some people also believe that God made the first people. Through, you know, magic."
(silence)
"Are you still thinking about this?"
"Uh-huh."
"It's pretty interesting, isn't it?"
"Uh-huh..."
(MetroBro changes subject before she can think about it any more)

While I struggle with my faith, MetroBro is an avowed atheist. That's why the "magic" comment cracks me up. Also the fact that later in the conversation, he compared God to Santa Claus.

When BossLady heard that part, she sternly warned MetroBro, "Hey, dude. It's one thing to teach her to question the existence of God but DO NOT FUCK WITH SANTA CLAUS!"

The Peanut is 5 years old. I'm not sure I'm ready to have conversations with her about God, evolution, or the birds and the bees.

Speaking of the birds and the bees, check out this hilarious video of Julia Sweeney having "the talk" with her 8-year-old daughter.

Have any of you guys had "the talk" with your kids? How old were they? Did it go ok or was it a comedy of errors? I want stories, people!

Comments

[Procrastamom]

I had the birds and the bees talk with my middle (of three) daughter in the car on the way to soccer practice, when she was about 9 years old. I guess this wasn't really the "where do babies come from" talk as much as it was about what the man and woman do to make the baby. She sat quietly and lost in thought for a good few minutes after the talk and then she suddenly turned to me and exclaimed, "Oh my God! You and Daddy did that THREE TIMES!!!"

[Jacky Cheng]

hahaha this was a great post. it's great to see peanut's curiosity as she grows up. of course, i guess you also have to deal with her beginning to question so much of everything that you might eventually become a believer of solipsism. i can't even imagine going through with more than two kids! (but then again, i'm still in college and have zero kids of my own...)

[Jemma]

I won't go into all the details about the time my husband gave our twins the "talk"...but let's just say that puppets were involved.

[Maddy]

That Peanut of yours is a smart cookie.

[V~]

I always like using the "black box". Mommy and Daddy fell in love ->black box-> and you were born. Just not ready to fill in the blanks just yet since my little girl's just 5 yrs old.

As a Zen-Catholic, the religion thing is slowly taking shape as she continues to ask questions. Some are shockingly insightful. Gotta love the mind of a child.

[Dani]

My completely too perceptive 4 year old has been constantly asking about how his sister (a year old) was born. "How did she get out of your belly" I thought I was being smart, "The doctor took her out". "But out of what, I've been looking at my belly button and it's too small. There must be another bigger hole." Argh. Do I really need to discuss this NOW?!?

The better thing is that when I skirt the issues with him (my frequent response to where babies come from, when will I die, why do bad people hurt others....) He stares at me and says "I know this makes you uncomfortable Mama, but what about...."

Right now I laugh about it but I can't imagine what he's going to be like as he gets older. It would be so much easier to make shit up rather than try and tell him the truth.
So. good luck :)

[sweetauntie]

Oh Lord have mercy! I remember when I asked my mom at age eight or nine, "but what does it FEEL like?" Ahem, she was a nurse and gave very clinical terms:vagina, womb, penis,sperm, etc....And I was asking her about how it felt for the penis to go into the vagina!! I cringe now at the look of horror on her face all those years ago. Sheesh.

[Issa]

Well, let's see. My oldest is eight. We had to have the talk after she walked in on my ex and I. When the wrestling theory no longer worked for her. Sadly, she was five. It was a bullet point version thankfully.

Last week, I got to have a more in depth version of the talk, when she accidentally downloaded an app called Mr. Con on her iTouch, which is a condom, where you catch the sperm. It grows the more you catch.

Yes, the mother of the world award, is now up for the taking.

[m]

It's never too early to talk about any of those topics with your kids. It's important that they're able to freely and comfortably discuss those issues with you than to "learn" from other sources, especially if you want them to foster a trusting relationship. If you don't treat those topics as something to be ashamed of, they'll develop healthier outlooks. Sexual health is so important and goes beyond just doing the dirty. As for God and evolution, just give the facts and let her know that she is the only one who will decide her own beliefs.

And get her a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves.

[SciFi Dad]

We've had conversations about both the origin of species and reproduction.

On the origin of species, we basically explained that people evolved from apes, and apes from other animals. She understood because she could relate to the apes at the zoo (she had seen some with new babies nursing and saw the similarities to her baby brother).

As for reproduction, we haven't gotten into XXX detail, but she does get that I have sperm and I put it into my wife's vagina via my penis, and that the baby grows from there.

Sometimes, the simplest path is the truth, with a nod to detail suitable for her age (and can be expanded on when questioned).

[Vanessa]

Hi, thanks for coming to speak on the tech panel at Time, Inc. Really enjoyed hearing your thoughts and perspective on blogging.

[Muskrat]

No, and I'm not going to. I'll probably give them a book like I got.

Besides, isn't that the school's job? Or the government's? What the hell are you talking about, with your inferences that parents are in charge of uncomfortable conversations and instructions for their kids?

[Jen]

My daughter is 4. She's asked, I've told. I tried not to squirm too much. She knows all the names of her parts and likes letting me know when they are being tickled. Bike rides are no longer simple. Then the other day she said her vulva itched. I thought it might be due to bad wiping after urinating, so I was about to give that another go when out dropped a marble. Oh god. I died internally, laughing-wise. But I calmly suggested that perhaps she tickle herself with things that couldn't get lost, like fingers. That's a talk I never in a billion years expected to give.

[Rachel E.]

Six words: The Care and Keeping of You. It's a book. A book that will help A LOT. It doesn't get you completely off the hook but...ALMOST. It's an American Girl book and it doesn't really matter what your feelings about American Girl are - YOU'LL WANT THIS BOOK. Good luck!!

[joan]

Waste treatment plant next to an amusement park. So funny! Then the videos on youtube. Hilarious!
My daughter is 27 now and I honestly don't remember what was said. She's flying in from Boston for a few days so I will have to ask. :)

[sunny]

While in theory, I believe in having the "talk" with your kids, the Korean-ness is me just totally prevents me from being able to. I'm 42 and still avoid sex scenes on tv when my folks are in the same room. I cringe and want to die when mom says the word "bajanya." Oldest kid is now in 11 and they are having the "talks" in school. (Yay! they are finally earning the big bucks I pay for tuition.)
Several years ago, we were watching tv and out of the blue he tells me "mommy i know what sex is." My stomach dropped and I almost puked right then and there. God forbid we have to have the "talk," with my son nevertheless. "It's when there's pretty naked ladies." uh-huh. I secretly wondered what it was called if you were ugly.

[Goon Squad Sarah]

Have I?

My kids just turned six and I have had all of these conversation. It has strengthened my Atheism and the sex thing... well, it is what it is.

She is going to learn anyway. Better from you that someone in the cafeteria at school who tells her that they boy sticks his penis in the girl's butt to make a baby and then it pops out of the mom's belly button.

[Ms.V]

I gave my pre-teen son the same talk I give when I teach sex education. Detailed, medical. Etc.

...and when it comes to communicable diseases, the only explanation you'll ever need is this:

"If it's wet and sticky and not yours, don't touch it."

You're welcome.

[Dee G]

Funniest description of "the talk" ever: http://mytinykingdom.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=296225

[JYN]

Our philosophy:
1. It's several talks, not one
2. Don't give more information than is requested
3. You are precious and unique, made in the image of God, and that's why you don't conduct yourself like a zoo animal

[babeehanul]

I have no children so I'm not sure what I would say, but I recall my mom attempting to broach the subject when I was young. It was excruciating and hilarious at the same time. My mother told me never to be alone with a guy because he will "change" and have strange urges, especially in dark settings. This was in all very vaguely relayed to me in Korean~ I pictured werewolves and monsters.

[Amber]

We had a book, a reproduction system book, the sciencey kind of reproduction book...a POP UP sciencey reproduction book!!!!!

SOOO pissed I can't find it at my Dad's house now, or anywhere online. It was toooooo freakin' funny.

[Katy]

I had the talk with my 11 year old boy about a year ago on the noodging of his pediatrician. It was OK, he thought it was " a little bit interesting and a little bit gross". Flash forward to about a week ago, same said child comes home from school and says, "ugh, we learned about worms today - everything, including how they reproduce" Me:"oh, how DO they?" Him: "it's gross, it's pretty much just like humans" Me: "uh, dude, I think we need to revisit that talk we had...."

[LogicalMama]

Ok, firstly, I have to tell you that my friends and I have a term for parents with three (+) children-- it's called "the three-kid crazies!" You know why.....

[LogicalMama]

I do think honesty is the best policy when it comes to the questions about sex, etc.--but we believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy in this house! You don't have to go into the details of it all and in fact, you can be scientific about it b/c after a few minutes, the interest is lost anyway! We got this great biology book published by Kingfisher NY. It's a whole series, Biology, Periodic Table, Rocks and Minerals and a few more. Anyway, the Biology book discusses all the systems of the body including the reproductive system in comedic, easy to understand terms for the kiddos. There is a poster too that is fun!
Well, a few weeks ago, my son and I were in the front yard and I was blowing bubbles. He started whacking the bubbles and then commented that he was the hostile environment of the vagina that wasn't allowing the sperm to get to the egg he was protecting!!
There is also another book online that I found once and can not find it anymore (b/c I would've linked it), but it's a picture book that shows pics of the actual "deed!" And then the baby being born... it was quite humorous and I showed my son that book too(much to the dismay of my husband)!

And don't even get me started on the God thing. This Atheist mom is having a hard time contending with God-fearing kids throwing their two cents into this and confusing my son! Not that I am opposed to him learning about all angles, but some of these kids are quite "indoctrinated" and this is such an impressionable time and they are already pushing their beliefs (trying to save him!).

[DefendUSA]

Hmmm.
Yes, I had a talk, one of many. But the first one occurred during rush hour on the Tappanzee. My 4 yo asked me how were babies made? And I had to get on her level. I told her to give me five.
And I said, "Mommy and Daddy kiss you good night and tuck you in special because we love you. But at night, when we go to bed, sometimes the kisses are "magic" and babies are made with all that love!" She bought it and never asked again, until she was 11.

At which point, she came home from the Health and Living Center, and informed me that she was going to ask her dad what a wet dream was cause the teacher said she could!! What a cowardly sex ed teacher!!
(And that magic, to me, is my faith in God as well!)

[DefendUSA]

My mother gave my brother and I the birds and the bees when we were about 6 and 7. After explaining everything as we bathed, my brother had a revelation, er, um...a thought.
He screamed for her to come back, he had a question. Penis in hand, he said, "You mean to tell me a baby is gonna come outta this little hole?" Holding back the laughter was tough.

She asked if heard about the mommy's part in all of this. "Oh,yeah, and now thank goodness, her(he's pointing at me)hole will stretched more than mine...like her tummy will, too, right?" Oy. The things kids say!!

[Paige Jennifer]

If I'm going to watch active breeders, I prefer 9 By Design. They make parenting and and interior design, two things that baffle me, look quite easy.

[fromangryasianman's site]

not sure about teaching da birds and da bees, but this is a crazy clip of a man teaching Koreans English cusswords: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riMQ-D0gJBE&feature=player_embedded#!

[Kila]

Going from two kids to three kids was suddenly a completely different ballgame! Juggling two kids was very manageable. But since the 3rd one came along, it's been a lot more work than fun, and I've never been able to keep up, though I'm a pretty well-organzed person. It's like going from a ball in each hand to constantly juggling three balls, and one ball often gets dropped.

[lee marvin]

Have 4 boys. The youngest is 16. Had the talk with all of them, early.

At 12, I was handed a book; The Fundamentals Of Human Sexuality. Mom said, "Read, and come see me if you have any questions." It was like a dictonary. Everything you wanted to know about sex.
Whrer babies come from, how they get there, all the parts and pieces. Even explained the Kama Sutra. Needless to say, I read it cover-to-cover. Took it to school a couple of times to show some people talking smack about their escapades, how wrong they were.

Greatest Book Ever for a teen

[Cadavereye]

My son is nine, and he asked me a few months ago what sex was. I told him about the basic functions, and he seemed okay with that. Then he asked if my boyfriend and I had done it. I told him that we did, and that that was how we were trying to make a baby. I recall telling him that people do it for fun too, but I don't remember the context.

Having to explain homosexuality was much more difficult for me than sex in general. (I didn't bring it up, some kids in school were calling him gay. Way to go ignorant parents!)

Religion was kind of difficult, because I want him to keep an open mind. My explanation for Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., are all about the same. They wanted us all to be good to each other, no matter what made us different. Other people disagreed, and thought that that made it okay to kill them. Racism, religion, and tolerance all rolled in together.

[Baby Boomer]

My "talk" with my mother was sparked by a "science book" for kids. I don't think it told anything except showing the strange-looking vagina/FallopianTubes drawing and saying it was for babies to grow in, but I asked her questions that she answered with the basics. My reply was "Well, if the mother and father have to do that to make a baby, how come on TV whenever the mother tells the father that they are going to have a baby, he is surprised?" Her answer was "Well, it doesn't always work."

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[Sarah]

How is metrodog?

[Kim]

After I told my daughter how babies were made, she put her hand on my shoulder, paused and said, "That was way too much information!"

[Sophia]

This is a great conversation! and I am a HUGE fan.
anyway, my 3.5 y/o got the medical terminology from her medical mom because her sister was on the way. Though we only said
your sister is growing in mom's uterus. so, I guess we did the "only answer what is asked and provide as little as you can get away with?"

and at like 3rd or 4th grade, bring out the book "the care and keeping of you" (per the previous post).

go Atheists! so few of us visible in this world.

[New Baby Care]

I took my son fishing and had him trapped in a boat out in the middle of the lake. That's when we had "the talk". He reminds me of it everytime we go fishing now. That was 15+ years ago now...LOL!

Great Post!

[Baby Care Ideas]

I hate those questions, too. I think they will have plenty of time to make up their own minds.

[White Tail Deer Hunting]

I love the comic strip. It is perfect.

[New Baby Care]

I think that you should keep Santa Clause out of it, too.

[Family Tree Charts]

There is no easy way to talk about this. You have to do it a little at a time. Their little brains can not understand it any ways.

[Travel Mobility Scooters]

God will open her eyes when he feel like she is ready. No matter what people tell her.

[Mobility Scooters]

No matter what we say, children will always make up their own minds.

[LJP Scooters]

I love the way a childs mind works and how an adult has to come up with the answers.

[Electric Mobility Scooters]

Kids say the strangest things or is it the other way around? I love the way little children think.

[John]

I've had the talk 3 or 4 times with increasing levels of..."directness".

They're 14 and 17 now and there's been a few tense moments. One son wanted to do a sleep over when I was a 7 hour flight away. But they've made good decisions so far.

There's a box of latex protection in the bath room cupboard in case they need it. So far they tell me they're not ready.

It's hard raising them on your own.

[Corner Bathroom Sink]

"The Talk", wow that was a long time ago for me. My wife talked to the girls and I handled our son. You really learn how little you know when you try to have "The Talk". I felt Stupid and I am pretty sure I fumbled with it. But, I tried.

Good Post!

[Corner Bathroom Sinks]

I love the drawing. Very Funny! Funny thing is that's how it works for most people. You quickly go from being "Dude" to being "Dad" in what seems like the blink of an eye. But, it is GREAT!

[Pam]

He gave her a pretty good answer. Everyone has to make up their own minds. I believe in God, but all I am going on is faith.