CHAOS THEORY: MAY 2010

Has it really been two months since I've written anything here? Hard to believe. The truth of the matter is that life, as always, has been hectic these days. I won't bore you with all the details. The important thing is that I've missed writing here and I'm going to try and make more of an effort. Of course, we've all heard that before.

Anyway, in lieu of a real post, here are some random cocktail napkin thoughts...

MORNING BREATH DEATH & MY NEW FAVORITE QUOTE

Like all kids, when the Peanut was a baby, her skin had the aroma of rose petals and her breath smelled like cotton candy. Those days are long over. A few weeks ago, the Peanut came into my room to wake me up. Before she could even say anything, I was overwhelmed by her morning breath. Words could not describe how bad it was.

Luckily, I was flipping through Kingsley Amis' "Lucky Jim" last night when I found quite possibly the best description of morning breath ever.

"His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum."

Does anyone else find that as brilliant as I do? No? Ok, carry on then.

WELCOME TO MY (FASHION) KINGDOM

When my wife Kelly Cutrone and I are finally in charge, wearing Crocs and socks will be punishable by death. As will jorts, Birkenstocks, and jumpers. You've all been warned.

QUICK PARENTING POLL

Sadly, the following news stories are all completely true. Help me settle a bet with a friend over which one you think is the most egregious and deserves the "worst parenting" award:

1. Tattooing a one-year-old girl.
2. Locking your children, ages 3 and 6, into the trunk of your car while running errands.
   
3. Auctioning off your 16-year-old daughter's virginity.
   

I voted for #3 as the worst parenting story. However, my buddy chose #2 because that parent potentially put his kids' lives at risk. What say you?

THE "F" WORD

As long-time readers know, I tend to think of myself as the Poet Laureate of Cursing or the William Strunk of Swearing. As I've said many times, I'm an avowed believer that swearing properly is truly an art form that is equal parts discretion and timing. I have little patience for people who use curse words indiscriminately.

In my humble opinion, cursing can have a place in civilized conversation but it should be used sparingly...like saffron in a motherfucking paella. You feel me? 

I was thinking about swearing recently when I came across an excerpt from Sarah Silverman's new book:

Like most children, I learned to swear from a parent. But most children learn to swear by mimicking moments when a parent loses self-control. That is typically followed by the parent stressing that such words are bad and shouldn't be repeated outside the home. When I was three, I learned to swear from my father, but he taught me with every intention to do so. It was like he was teaching a "cursing as a second language" course for one.

"Bitch! Bastard! Damn! Shit!" I proclaimed with joy, if not necessarily wit, in the middle of Boys' Market in Manchester, New Hampshire. Random shoppers stopped in the aisle, and watched me with delight—or at least curiosity—as I regurgitated this mantra. Dad stood by with genuine pride, beaming through the mock surprise on his face.

When I was four I sat coloring a piece of paper during a dinner party at my Nana and Papa's house in Concord. It was a white ranch house perched on a hill with long concrete steps leading up to the front door. Nana, a fashionable woman in her late fifties, who rocked hot pink lipstick under a swirly mane of salt-and-pepper cotton candy, came out of the kitchen carrying a tray of her famous brownies.

"Sarah, Nana made brownies for you!" she beamed in the third person.

I looked up from my drawing, glanced over to my father, who gave me the nod, then turned to Nana.

"Shove 'em up your ass," I said.

The tide of the guests' laughter quickly swept away any anger Nana had toward Dad. She had to smile. Remembering this very early time makes me nostalgic for the days when naked obscenity was enough for a laugh, and didn't need any kind of crafted punch line to accompany it. It was good to be four.

Guess where I'm going with all this?

That's right. The Peanut got in trouble at school for cursing.

Now, before you all wag your fingers at me, let me just say that I do NOT curse in front of my daughter. I may let something slip out every once in awhile but I make a very conscious effort to avoid using any profanity while in her presence. BossLady and I are both quite sure she learned the curse words from one of her little friends.

Anyway, according to her teacher, the Peanut was quietly sitting with a group of friends at a table when she made a mistake on a drawing and spilled some ink. At that point, my little girl apparently yelled out, "AWWWW, FUCK!!!" 

I have to confess. I was somewhat impressed with not only the Peanut's sense of comedic timing but also by the fact that she was able to use it in context.

As the old saying goes...the apple don't fall far from the fucking tree, yo!

GLEEKS!

Nielsen reported recently that children ages 2 to 5 spend nearly 25 hours a week watching television, the highest figure on record.

Regular readers know that, despite my pathological love of TV, I have never let the Peanut watch much television. While her peers were all spending hours watching Dora or some other inane cartoon, the Peanut was always limited to about 30 minutes of television per day. Most days, I never let her watch any television at all.

As she's gotten older, I've slowly loosened up the reins a little.

Ok, maybe more than just a little.

For example, the Peanut has always loved cooking (to the extent that she's now enrolled in an after-school cooking class.) So naturally, in order to "foster" her passion, I apparently no longer have a problem with her sitting in front of the television and watching as many Food Network television shows as she wants.

In fact, last week, we were walking in Tribeca and she yelled out to me, "Look, there's Bobby Flay!" Sure enough, it really was Bobby Flay. It's funny. I'm not sure how many 5-year-old kids would recognize him from television. On the flip side, she thinks every large woman with white hair is Paula Deen.

For awhile, the Peanut was interested in American Idol. However, after awhile, she lost interest pretty quickly.

Why?

Because together we discovered the show "Glee" and are now both completely obsessed with it.

Seriously, I can't even begin to explain how much fun it is to have a show that both you and your kidcan geek out over together. It's BEYOND fun. The fact that the show is "Glee" makes it even better.

There are very few things that make me happier than walking the Peanut to school while holding hands and belting out duets of Kanye West's "Golddigger," the Rolling Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want," and Young MC's "Bust a Move." It makes you remember that half the joy of parenting is remembering your childhood through your own child's eyes.

Video to follow.

POP GOES THE CULTURE: MORE THOUGHTS ON TELEVISION

Best TV drama: Friday Night Lights

Best TV sitcom: Community

Scariest thing heard on television: "I home school the girls four days a week and all the curriculum is based on the movie 'The Secret." --- The Mom on Pretty Wild, E’s newest fucked up reality show.

Shows you'd think I'd wouldn't like that I do: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Millionaire Matchmaker.

WORD IS THE NERD

Lest you think I'm devoting all my spare time to television, I'm still reading as voraciously as ever. In the past few weeks, I've just finished reading the following three books.

"The Ask: A Novel" by Sam Lipsyte

"This Is Where I Leave You" by Jonathan Tropper

"Disgraced" by J.M. Coetzee

Technically, they are all dysfunctional family tales covering the subjects of marriage, work, parenting, and abject failure. However, the styles of writing are so completely different from one another that I found reading them back-to-back-to-back fascinating. Give them a read. All are highly recommended.

THE HAIR APPARENT

When it comes to gender roles in parenting, it's become clear that most people are still not used to seeing fathers doing certain activities with their children. I can tell that this is true by the looks that are elicited whenever I am doing what are traditionally "motherly" things with my daughter: braiding her hair, shopping for dresses, or enrolling in pottery classes with her.

Why are people surprised? Is it simply lower expectations? Is it the sense that men are fundamentally unsuited to these small acts of feminine domesticity?

Quite honestly, I don't know and I don't really care.

The activity that seems to elicit the most reaction is when people see me brushing my daughter's hair. Little do they know that this is not an activity that I tend to do by my own free choice. Quite the contrary.  Apparently, the Peanut has genetically inherited my obsession with hair. As regular readers know, I spend more money on haircuts and hair products than the gross national product of Greece.

The Peanut loves her hair. When she's not asking me to brush it, she's asking me to braid it or put it in a ponytail. And if she had her way, our entire apartment would be filled with the world's largest collection of barettes, hair clips, and hair bands.

I mention this because a few weeks ago, I was giving her a bath and noticed that her hair was getting absurdly long. When wet, it reached well below the small of her back. I asked her whether she wanted me to take her to my stylist for a little trim. She adamantly refused. So then I asked her whether I could just trim a little of her hair myself. Out of what I can only assume was her undying love and trust in me, she reluctantly agreed.

Well, one thing led to another and needless to say, I'm in a lot of trouble right now.

Why?

Because I might have accidentally gotten a little carried away with the scissors. (Ok, I definitely got a little carried away. In fact, I ended up probably cutting about almost 9" of her hair. Not on purpose, I swear. I just couldn't get her bangs straight!)

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to introduce Asian Ramona Cleary.

The Peanut was so mad at me, she didn't speak to me for two days. Man, I freaking love this kid.

Sorry, sweetie!

Comments

[Adrienne]

Thank God, you're back! I thought you'd given up the blog for good. Nice to hear from you.

[JJ Daddy-O]

Ha, ha, that's OK, I'm sure she'll feel better after she gives YOU a trim. You might want to lock up all your scissors and try not to fall asleep around her.

[Velociraptoracious]

"Voracious" makes its third appearance in three posts. You should come up with a different word to describe "reading a lot."

Hatin'...

[Kaz]

hmmm.. she reminds me more of John Depp as Willy Wonka...

[Jen K.]

As the child of divorced parents, some of my fondest memories are of my burly ex-Marine dad lovingly braiding my hair or taking me out shopping for dresses. I love him so much for it.

P.S. the haircut is cute!

[Malinda]

that's nothing... you should have seen what my dad did to my hair once... my curly hair so short the stylist could do NOTHING with it... nothing! curl was gone! and of course picture day was not long after. I'm pretty sure the quilt from that grade 1 haircut was the reason I got my first car.... a 1978 4 door Mercedes... an old beast of a car but still a Mercedes :-)

[Corinne]

I look back fondly at the times when my mom went away and my dad was left with me. It would always take him 20 minutes to try to pull my curly mess of hair into a ponytail, and it was always terrible, but I always remember the sweetness of the effort. It was exasperating back then because he couldn't do it the way my mother did it, but thinking about it now it's just cute.

[whoorl]

That chic haircut is worthy of a Hair Thursday Hall of Fame award. (I should hold my own ceremony in our driveway or something...)

[Paige Jennifer]

I'm sorry but I can't stand Coetzee. He's a talented writer but his characters are always so tortured, depressing, and quite unlikeable. The cover of his books should read: This prose will lead you to drink, a lot.

Currently entertaining myself with No One Belongs Here More Than You (July), After the Quake (Murakami), and The Bridge Over San Luis Rey (Wilder).

[Grace]

Peanut's hair is so cute!

Thanks for posting - I've been waiting patiently for another installment of metrodad :)

[Caitlin]

Love the bad breath quote. Strange because my dear friend has always referred to bad breath in a similar, perhaps less articulate way. Whenever she is referring to getting rid of bad breath by going to brush your teeth in the morning she says: "Go on and kill that dead kitty!"... short for the longer idea of killing that stinky kitty that crawled up into your mouth and died. Good stuff yo!

Glad you are back, I've always loved your posts.

[Olivia]

I think I paid $90 for that same haircut last week...and the Peanut's hair STILL looks better than mine! Perhaps you've got a new career ahead of you, MD. You've got skillz!

[Estelle]

Maybe it is gender stereotyping. Or maybe it is diminished expectations.

All I know is that nothing makes me melt like seeing a dad brush or braid his daughter's hair.

[angela]

I have video of my twin 3 year olds singing glee version of "don't stop believing." We can have dueling Facebook videos of Asian kid gleekiness.

[Douglas]

I went on three dinner dates with a woman recently. Every time we went out, she looked great. Stylish and classy.

On Sunday we had our first daytime date. Dude, she showed up in jorts and Crocs. Blew my mind. I almost didn't recognize her. Now I don't know what to do!

What should I do?

[Julie Kang]

I love Ramona (although I thought her last name was Quimby?)! Peanut's hair is even, at least, and the side-part looks good. All in all, a decent job, I must say!

As for jorts, how short do the shorts have to be to count as jorts? I just got a pair of denim Bermuda shorts, now I'm feeling a twinge of buyer's remorse. I thought they looked cool!

Right now I'm in the middle of Chang Rae Lee's "The Surrendered"...when I'm done with it I'll be sure to check out your recommendations. There is a theme of the familial dysfunction you mentioned in this one as well, and it's dark as all hell, so I heartily recommend it even though I'm not done with it yet.

[amused]

i think it's ramona quimby... and the author is beverly cleary =)

cute kid!

[Lisa]

I don't know which shocks me more: That you betrayed her trust that way or that others seem to be congratulating you for it. The result of the cut is not the point. You made a promise to her and broke it. You, someone who obsesses over his hair. I would think you would have some inkling of what she would feel like. I really don't understand why you aren't ashamed of the whole thing. You come off as quite proud.

[Muskrat]

Peanut as Ramona is awesome.

I agree- #3 is worst. I think that's more tasteless than endangering kids' lives.

Glad you're back online for a spell. Have a happy Memorial Day weekend, summer solstice, and 4th of July!

[SciFi Dad]

Don't know if you have an iPhone or not, but if you do there's a Glee app where you can sing (and be autotuned) with a chorus.

Also, I've got to go with #2... dead kids trumps pimp parent.

[Mike]

Dude, it's been half a day since you posted this -- where the fucking hell is that god damn video, cock bone!

This is all so great. She lives a charmed life, to be sure. And so do you. Glad you're back!

[alice, uptown]

I remember one of those haircuts -- only mine was in the beauty parlor and I couldn't throw a full-on tantrum. Pity I hadn't learned the word "fuck" by then. I would have found myriad uses for it.

P.S. glad to see you blog a bit. hope the dating scene is improving.

[Hetha]

"His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum." - I hope to never forget this.

I'm glad you're back! The Peanut is slaying me with the hair and glasses-and that serious expression; holy shit dude she's awesome.

[Tammy]

You did an awesome job with the Peanut's hair! It's chic and fabulous and about 1000x better than the butcher job my expensive stylist did on me six weeks ago. Anyway, loved the post -- just one tiny thing though: crocs can be awesome! I have a pink pair with mickey mouse cut-outs and they are adorable. Absolutely. Fucking. ADORABLE! :)

[nonlineargirl]

I don't understand. If you lock your kids in the trunk, how are they supposed to get your errands done? Not just bad parenting, its poor planning.

[Pam]

Holy shit...you are alive! Nice surprise.

[mugen]

And here I thought I was the only one lovin Friday Night Lights.

Love this blog...hope you update more often.

[The Granderson Clan]

Welcome back! We've missed you.

[Chris]

Definitely #2. Although #3 might result in a kidnapped/killed daughter. I've watched way to much Law and Order: SVU to think that it couldn't happen.

[David Boxer]

Lisa. You must be the EX-wife. Lighten up a little. You sound like my ex with the guilt-inducing tirades. That's why she's my ex.

[ray lee]

Sorry MD, I would have to agree with your friend. #2 is worse because it could have resulted in death!

And seriously Lisa, I'm pretty sure the overwhelming majority of people have gotten bad haircuts from their parents at least one point in their life. At least Peanut's came out decent!

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[VanessaChoo]

oh MD!!! i missed you!! and peanut is pretty awesome.

[Daphne]

Can I insist you PLEASE commit to a post a week, at least??

ANyhow, amazing stuff. Peanut looks Gaga, eh?

[kittenpie]

- Please include leggings as pants and - how sad is it that there is even this word in the world? - jeggings in your fashion pogrom.

- My first reaction was that the locking in the trunk was the worst because they could have killed those kids, but then I realized it's probably a case of well-intentioned but stupid - "they'll be safe in there, right? Because no one can see them?" - While selling off your daughter's virginity is just so far from th expected role of a parent as protector and so far into the territory of exploiter it's making my blood pressure rise.

- You need the book/CD "Hip Hop Speaks To Children" about poetry with a beat. Where else do you find Yong MC, The Sugarhill Gang, and Kanye in a book for kids? Awesome. And I've just recently joined the ranks of Glee fans myself, so yeah, LOVE.

- I'm sure somebody above has mentioned that the kid is Ramona Quimby - but I love the haircut. Put some bangs with those glasses, though, and you could even go with mini asian Anna Wintour!

[Heather]

The wonderful thing about hair is that it always grows! She looks adorable anyway!

My family are major Gleeks...to the extent my hubs bought me volume 1 and 2 soundtracks and we listen to them. All. The. Time. My 11 yr old did Don't Stop Believin' Glee-style at her school talent show. (All the other were entries were sappy or Taylor Swift)

[Olivia Kim]

OMG, I totally saw you and the Peanut in Soho two weeks ago!!! I wasn't sure it was you guys because the Peanut's hair was short. Now I know that it was!

You two are soooooo cute together.

(P.S. My girlfriends thought you were hot!)

[croutonboy]

Do you have some fantasy about opening a salon I didn't know about? On some level you must know that men and scissors only go together at Paul Mole.

And I totally called you as a "It's Always Sunny" guy. Just surprised you ranked "Community" higher.

FYI, Oodgie is trying to get onto "Friday Night Lights" as an extra. Come visit and we can get you on, too...

[joan]

#2.
When I read, random thoughts, I knew I would be smiling!
Your daughter is adorable.

[JMom]

Did you buy actual hair stylist's scissors for the job? I can attest that these make it much easier/cleaner. Way more accurate. You know, for next time. Hah.

[christina]

So glad to see you are back, missed your ramblings and thoughts. Ok, so I have been on the fence about cutting BabyGirl's hair -which is quite long these days too... it's either hers or mine and no joke, my hairdresser died just recently. I was so shocked and so sad, but beyond the emotional stress of her death, now I am out a fabulous hairdresser so I think it's gonna be BG's hair that's gonna get cut. I'll try to remember not to get too carried away though I must say that Peanut's hair cut is adorable!

[Tara]

I agree w/ you on the worst parenting award: auctioning off one's daughter's virginity is just about the most heinous act I've ever heard of.

My mother used to swear a blue streak, but always in a syntactically incorrect way. For instance, when frustrated with a difficult gizmo, she'd say, "This is a god-damned can opener!" rather than "God damn this can opener!"

[Leanne Koh]

Her hair looks good, love the ramona reference. I hope you donated her hair, at least she can say that she helped someone in need.

[John Longstocking]

My wife thinks I'm secretly writing this blog, even though she knows we have a son. And thaqt I'm not asian. At least, I think she knows those things.

and yes!
"Shows you'd think I'd wouldn't like that I do: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia"

[Harajuku Girl]

I knew I loved you!

Best show on TV: Friday Night Lights -- for sure!

Peanut looks adorable. Did you donate her hair?

Missed you. Please do not wait another two months to write!

BTW: I'm a total Gleek, too!

[Issa]

Will you please outlaw the mullet? Oh and skinny jeans? Please and thank you.

[DB]

MD. Is Lisa bosslady posting? Yikes.

[R2Dad]

Any 5 year old that watches cooking programs is a big girl and deserves that cute big girl haircut. RE parenting poll: one and three will result in your child hating your forever, but two may actually kill them so it's gotta be the worst. Sexism: number three wouldn't seem as horrific if it was your son's virginity and not your daughter's....or not? Tangent: time to swap the Bosslady title above the chair with that of Metrodog's above the mattress, no?

[DB]

R2dad. This raises so many interesting questions. Like how important is it that Bosslady approves of this blog? Is they share in the parenting together does she mind all the disclosure about peanut? After all peanut has no say in the matter. And bosslady is posting and not approving how does that fare for the psychological health of peanut?

And how is metrodog?

[METRODAD]

Hey, Peanut Gallery. Commenter "Lisa" is not BossLady. Just some random reader drinking the haterade. Carry on!

[Mum's delight]

Enjoy reading your posts and nice to have you back. Agree with you that #3 is the worst, shocking, can't be true?? #2 is just plain stupid and they may not have realised how dangerous it can be.