Text Messaging for Dummies: Vol. 4

As I've mentioned before, I can't stand text messaging. Typing in those short bursts always makes me feel like a Japanese school girl. I'm old school. You want to communicate with me? Just pick up the phone and call.

Unfortunately, most of my friends know how much I hate texting so they go out of their way to bombard me with random text messages.

Thankfully, most of my friends are a little off-beat and tend to share my sense of humor. I also have to admit that some of their texts are pretty entertaining. That's why I like saving them until my phone's memory can't hold them any longer.

The following are all about to get purged so I thought I'd write them down here for posterity:

.

"Does the 3-second rule still apply when you've dropped a baby?"

"Time will eventually show that Vanilli was the more talented of the two."

"I'll bet the hardest part of being a sushi chef is cutting the heads off mermaids."

"Do you think Ben Affleck makes Jennifer Garner put on a hat and pretend she's Matt Damon?"

"Carrie Fisher looks like the love child of Sharon Osborne and Dana Carvey."

"Your daughter couldn't find her classmates at Korean school. She said 'THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!'"

"Hey, you're a foodie. What kind of tacos go well with self-loathing?"

"I have a date tonight and instead of taking Cialis, I think I took an Ambien by mistake. Uh oh."

"I don't mind listening to friends cry but I hate when their tears get in my french fries."

"There's a fine line between dressing like Cinderella and Jon Benet Ramsey."

"Do they make condoms for livers?"

"Chinese food is always better with my eyes closed."

"Wait 5 minutes. I'm about to send you pictures of my vasectomy!"

"Just got a prostate exam from my uncle. Don't think Thanksgiving is ever going to be the same again."

"Why are the Asian children reading books while standing in line at Whole Foods? And all the white urchins are running around with ADD?"

"Does Carl Sr know that his son gives people diarrhea?"

"New million dollar idea: Red Bull smoothies with nicotine in them!"

"If you and Italian Pocahontas had kids, they'd either be amazingly gorgeous or freakishly ugly."

"Don't worry, dude. We'll always be friends. You know way too much."

"Just out of curiosity, how much do you think tits weigh?"

"My daughter just tried to put me in a time-out."

"Do you think it's fair that black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday?"

"Didn't know you hated cats as much as I do. We should exchange recipes."

"Here's her number. No pressure. Just know that if you screw this up, I will fucking kill you!!!"

"If I were Korean, my rap name would be 2-Pak."

"Wife says old people sleep in separate beds because of the snoring. I say it's because they don't want to wake up next to a dead body. What do you think?"

"Not going to her wedding. Told her I'd go to her next one. She said ok."

"Please, fool! I was doing that back in the 80's while you were teasing your hair and practicing your backhand."

"Hey, I need to speak to you but my phone is dying. Call me on this number when you get a chance. 401-285-0701. It's important!"

P.S. Feel free to send that last text message to all your friends. It's funny to see how they react.

What's the most random text message that YOU ever received?  An inquiring mind wants to know.

Comments

[janny226]

These are hysterical. I'm so glad you saved them for posterity!! It was nice meeting you at Bossy's NYC stop. I'm so glad your daughter came too, it was delightful watching her play with AlphaMom.

[claritymay]

this is a tangent, but a friend played a (cruel) trick on me once, mixing around names and numbers on my cell. i ended up sending texts to the wrong people, ie., juicy texts to my then bf who actually wasn't my bf after all... gotta love my friends.

[Erin]

These are some of my very favorite texts that I've been holding onto.

"God, I'm a weenie! I just watched the end of Marly and Me. That movie about the lab puppy that drives the family crazy. I bawled like a bitch with a skinned knee."

"OMG...There's a PEEPS store..."

“Have you seen him pee? It’s like he’s creating a masterpiece every time. The really good ones he scratches his feet as if to say ‘My work is done’.”

“Impossible! Who will make sure you’re making it correctly? Loki? He can’t even find the right place to pee!”

While at a diner eating breakfast I realized that the old people at the end of the counter were talking about getting their prostates examined. My husband's response when I texted this information to him? "Mmmm. Ass exams...Tasty..."

"Well, did you see the lady? She was leathery and filled with botox. That should account for the cow poop shouldn't it?"

[Stephanie]

Metrodad,
I just visited your blog after a while away and laughed out loud at least ten times. Thanks.

[yamboni]

Just catching up on the posts - I love your random text posts!

One of my favorite random texts is, "don't you want to see me ass up bent over a pool table?" Sent by my friend, intended for her boyfriend at the time, trying to convince him to come to my 7 year old's bday party at the pool haul. LOL! My response, "ummmm... I thought you were coming to B's party, so I will be seeing your ass bent over the pool table." Needless to say, she was very embarrassed. :)

Also "I come from country trash, what do you think?"

[tiggermeow]

best text from a friend: "I just saw a woman with short shorts pick her camel toe!"

[Jill]

Those text are so funny. They made me and my husband laugh so hard I could not breathe. Your friend have a great sense of humor. I do not text either.

[Gucci]

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[Larry]

I am with you. I think that if, someone wants to visit with me they should speak in full sentences. I am glad that there are people who still think this way.

[Boom Trucks]

"My daughter just tried to put me in a time-out." aaahahahaha. my kids actually did that to me once after i told them if they didn't pick up their toy trucks i was gonna throw em away. i did it and they got mad.

[Kip]

I hate text messaging. I would rather write about what I want to say instead of hen scratch it. I like to read your post. It is alway refreshing.

[Carol]

I really do not like to text. It is wrong to spell words wrong.

[Eid Messages]

This is fact!
Many of the text messages are sent as spam by the other mobile and internet users.

[Sammy]

Everytime I read one of your post you make me think. Most of the time you make me laugh especially when you talk about your little girl. I really enjoy reading all of your fine work.

[nike shox]

There have a chance that we can have an furthur exchanges and cooperation.I will always pay attention to your blog.

[Altec Bucket Trucks]

I like how this blog turned in to a Texts from Last Night Post. Good article though.

[Used Bucket Trucks for Sale]

I like the title to your blog. Definitely material I would expect from a blog named MetroDad. haha. Keep up the goodwork, at least you're original.

[business coach]

"My daughter just tried to put me in a time-out." LOL it's happened before.

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