Text Messaging for Dummies: Vol. 4

As I've mentioned before, I can't stand text messaging. Typing in those short bursts always makes me feel like a Japanese school girl. I'm old school. You want to communicate with me? Just pick up the phone and call.

Unfortunately, most of my friends know how much I hate texting so they go out of their way to bombard me with random text messages.

Thankfully, most of my friends are a little off-beat and tend to share my sense of humor. I also have to admit that some of their texts are pretty entertaining. That's why I like saving them until my phone's memory can't hold them any longer.

The following are all about to get purged so I thought I'd write them down here for posterity:

.

"Does the 3-second rule still apply when you've dropped a baby?"

"Time will eventually show that Vanilli was the more talented of the two."

"I'll bet the hardest part of being a sushi chef is cutting the heads off mermaids."

"Do you think Ben Affleck makes Jennifer Garner put on a hat and pretend she's Matt Damon?"

"Carrie Fisher looks like the love child of Sharon Osborne and Dana Carvey."

"Your daughter couldn't find her classmates at Korean school. She said 'THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!'"

"Hey, you're a foodie. What kind of tacos go well with self-loathing?"

"I have a date tonight and instead of taking Cialis, I think I took an Ambien by mistake. Uh oh."

"I don't mind listening to friends cry but I hate when their tears get in my french fries."

"There's a fine line between dressing like Cinderella and Jon Benet Ramsey."

"Do they make condoms for livers?"

"Chinese food is always better with my eyes closed."

"Wait 5 minutes. I'm about to send you pictures of my vasectomy!"

"Just got a prostate exam from my uncle. Don't think Thanksgiving is ever going to be the same again."

"Why are the Asian children reading books while standing in line at Whole Foods? And all the white urchins are running around with ADD?"

"Does Carl Sr know that his son gives people diarrhea?"

"New million dollar idea: Red Bull smoothies with nicotine in them!"

"If you and Italian Pocahontas had kids, they'd either be amazingly gorgeous or freakishly ugly."

"Don't worry, dude. We'll always be friends. You know way too much."

"Just out of curiosity, how much do you think tits weigh?"

"My daughter just tried to put me in a time-out."

"Do you think it's fair that black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday?"

"Didn't know you hated cats as much as I do. We should exchange recipes."

"Here's her number. No pressure. Just know that if you screw this up, I will fucking kill you!!!"

"If I were Korean, my rap name would be 2-Pak."

"Wife says old people sleep in separate beds because of the snoring. I say it's because they don't want to wake up next to a dead body. What do you think?"

"Not going to her wedding. Told her I'd go to her next one. She said ok."

"Please, fool! I was doing that back in the 80's while you were teasing your hair and practicing your backhand."

"Hey, I need to speak to you but my phone is dying. Call me on this number when you get a chance. 401-285-0701. It's important!"

P.S. Feel free to send that last text message to all your friends. It's funny to see how they react.

What's the most random text message that YOU ever received?  An inquiring mind wants to know.

Comments

[DiggyDaddy]

Oh, man, I freaked out when I saw the one with the phone number. Then I thought, "he wouldn't." So, I called. Very funny.

[MsV]

Since you hate texting, I put one of these on Twitter.

"Time will eventually show that Vanilli was the more talented of the two."

Funny as hell...

~@MsV1959 if you're a twitter man...

[Shelly]

Funniest text story I've heard? My girlfriend Candace sent a text FROM HER BOYFRIENDS PHONE (this is key to the story)to her friend Becky asking her when they were going to meet for a coffee. They chatted back and forth a few times and left it at that.

A few days later Becky texts back thinking it's Candace saying, "OMG. I ate the nastiest taco and I'm stuck at work have to take the biggest SHIT so bad!"

Good thing James had a good sense of humor and wrote back, "Let er rip!"

Once she got wind of who read her text message she was MORTIFIED.

[Julie Kang]

Admit it: half of these texts came from Tiger Woods! You homewrecker! Ambien instead of Cialis indeed. ;)

[Issa]

I adore texting. I've never been a fan of talking on the phone, so it's perfect for me.

I don't have any good ones on my phone right now. Just yesterday deleted three weeks worth. None were as funny as yours. That I know for sure.

[A]

These sound like texts between you and Kyle. You two are hilarious!

[ray lee]

I read this thread (http://www.pbnation.com/showthread.php?t=3150636) about six months ago. Basically, you text a female friend "When can I tap that?" and see what her answer is.

I texted a bunch of female friends and it's HILARIOUS.

I texted my gay friend that question and his response was: "Whenever you want baby"

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Beta Dad]

I have sent and received many texts with descriptions and/or pictures of dirty diapers. Sometimes funny. Sometimes cute. Sometimes frightening. I guess it's the new parent's alternative to "sexting."

[SciFiDad]

Dude, two posts in two days? Is this a cry for help or something?

Awesome texts, to be sure, though.

[anonymous]

MetroDad - I'm mostly a lurker but your blog posts bring mass amounts of hilarity into my work day. You should check out www.textsfromlastnight.com. Immature? Yes. Hilarious? Incredibly so.

[JYN]

My most random text is in the outbox:
Br 8.6 SV 9.3 Clrhphs 2 tu nice. Stk dis.
But any parent of a gymnast will easily decipher it.

[joan]

No random texts for me. Unfortunately, I have to text with my job. Communicating with my boss, who is 3000 miles away. Maybe that's a good thing. :)

[JustLinda]

I want to steal a few of those and take full credit. You don't mind, do you? LOL

(I only contemplate crimes...I wouldn't DO them.)

[ParentopiaDevra]

The most random one I got was "Skinny Cow Icecream Sandwiches are on sale at Target, I'm there now." and I had no idea who had sent the text because their number wasn't in my address book.

Strangest one I've ever sent- "Why are the Asian folk purchasing Spam by the caseload at Costco?" I was shopping pre-winter storm and I was culturally clueless and had to ask a friend. She, Chinese, had no explanation.

[ryan]

Most random:

"My Dad took my sister to fucking Mexico. I couldn't go because that asshole bought me a poodle."

[sarah]

your friends are kind of fucking hilarious.

(am i allowed to say "fucking" here? no? oops. sorry)

[Captain Dumbass]

Two posts in a week? Your friends are awesome.

[landismom]

Huh, I just checked my phone, and apparently I have texts saved from as far back as August 2008. That one says, "wsj just left he is going 2 do another story in a few weeks :)"

[deborah]

long time reader, first time poster. you are so damn funny. i have been put on hospital bedrest (likely for weeks which would be the best outcome considering i'm 28 weeks with twins) which for me is true torture but your two posts in one week made it a little more bearable!

[Papa Bradstein]

With friends like that, who needs sitcoms?

[Adrienne]

Two blog posts from you in one week is like heaven. Thanks for cheering me up. You have no idea how much I needed it. Bless you!

[stella]

i got this msg just a minutes ago...

from A*
stella, i was thinking hard n i think i said something rather harsh to u last week, i am terribly sorry, if i ddi hurt your feelings,no malice intended. i was out of line in poking fun at sensitive things n i know it cant take itback but i just still want to apologize as i know deep down what u are going through..

from me,
have u sent to the right stella

from A,
sorry it should be another stella..

!!

[Wandering Chopsticks]

My most random text was from a friend who said he was at the airport and saw someone who looked like me, circa 1993 with my cheeks.

Funniest was from my little sister who texted me to ask what vegetables she likes, besides broccoli, that she can stir-fry. :P I texted back and told her she also likes bean sprouts, bok choy, and spinach. I turned it into a recipe post on my blog using all her favorite ingredients. :)

[wn]

"A girl tried to kiss me last night, I told her she had to stop because i wasn't a lesbian yet"

[Kaz]

On my work PDA, I regularly get spanish text messages. At first, I thought I had a secret admirer. When I asked someone over in International Production what it was, he said they were just inspiration messages I somehow got subscribed to.

Bummer. No secret admirer for me :(

[Muskrat]

I'm not a big texter, but I do tend to send a few obnoxious ones when I'm out drinking. Like:

"I'm on Bourbon Street right now--can neither confirm nor deny that I showed my balls for a feather boa"

or

"Just sang a Wham! cover at a gay bar karaoke night. These people love me!"

[Mike]

My wife had my phone and got a text that said can't wait to meet u for dinner. It was a wrong number of course. People call a wrong number often but don't usually text to one. Oh the drama this could have caused but she believed me.

[MC]

hilarious! this reminds me of me and my friend. we're always sending each other random texts, mostly about our trips on the bus.

[J.M. Cook]

Twice in one week? Be still my heart! Still laughing at the Cialis post while I close down my computer... Thanks, I can tell it's gonna be a great weekend!

[J.P. Fischer]

"Just walked into Ralphs, 3 blnd newbs strayt checkin me out, 1 mouths to others, 'sooo hot.' still got it, baby!"

[rs gold]

Our destiny offers not the cup of despair, but the chalice of opportunity. So let us seize it, not in fear, but in gladness.

[edathomedad]

I only really text with my wife. She sent me one text on her train ride back from work. "Full train, next to lg women, her leg is touching mine, oh god my leg is moist, must take shower when I get home."

[Caddy]

Some dude texted me the fight was on tomorrow. It was from a number I didn't know so I didn't respond I thought he was in some gang.

The next day he texted me he was outside the cockfighting arena and was wondering where I was. I just kept ignoring him. I think he eventually figured out it wasn't me he was suppose to be texting.

[enygma]

Awesome. Unfortunately, none of the texts I've sent or received are of this caliber. I need to try harder.

[fs]

"We know that now divide and handbags conquer strategy," White said. "We understand the truth of the distraction tactics. We understand that no Texan leather handbags the right to request the values Guccl Bag of the monopoly of Texas. This time, we put forward this country forward." dfsssfdaaadft

[Gray Matter]

Glad you asked. Just last night:

"I just landed in Miami to direct a commercial with the Kardashian sisters. How did I get here?"

[Ollie]

You should check out "Texts From Last Night" (http://www.textsfromlastnight.com). That can be hours of entertainment.

[LogicalMama]

One from me: "I can make my belly button look like my butt."

One from a friend intending to text her husband but it came to me instead: "OMG, where ARE you?! I am so nervous about who Dalton's teacher is going to be, I've been in the bathroom ALL DAY with u know what! Come home soon so we can go. Luv u, luv u, luv u!!!"

[dsd]

somebody explain the one with the phone number ? not from the states so HIGHLY unwilling to call, but also HIGHLY curious. somebody anybody ?

[Kila]

Thanks for the laughs!

My oldest son texted me, "Come pick me up and hurry. LAME PARTY." Where was he? A private party--to the max--something most folks never experience--at Disney World!! LOL Me thinks there is no pleasing him.

[Nikki]

Most of the time I just get texts from my husband asking me to take pictures of my boobs.

[Ondelyn Banks]

I get texted VERY rarely. My only slightly funny random text was: "I'm bringing the amoxicillin. Hope it wasn't my fault."

The white kids berzerking in the checkout?
Re yours above:
Has to be sugar, man. I know NO Koreans that like sugary candies.... Now that wouldn't mean their KIDS wouldn't like it, they just won't buy it for them.

The Thanksgiving one gave me .... pause... uhhhhhhh seriously...

I am telling my husband the friend/know too much one. For sure.

[Cindy]

Random at 2 a.m. as I'm sleeping next to my husband and my 2 little girls in their rooms....

"It's 2 a.m. where the fuck are you???? Jack Daniels is waiting to shove his head down your throat and release something to make you go boom boom so get your ass over here NOW!!!!"

Never found out who it was, but sure am sorry I missed that party!!

[Eun Jung]

I have a ton but my current favorite texts are a conversation I had with my best friend over text:

Me: "The crazy cousin just got a haircut. He looks like Moe from the 3 Stooges. Vietnamese style."

Friend: "Wow, haven't heard about him in awhile."

Me: "We found out that he's been going to Bingo at nights at the local senior center. Shocking, huh?"

Friend: "Prolly to rob them in the parking lot"

Me: "LOL!"

Friend: "BINGO mothaf*%#a!!!!"

[casey]

"that was from an onion article, it's not reality"

[Nellie]

Co-worker like to go to the grocery store at lunch to get their BBQ chicken ... last txt "Fuck, that was good meat candy ...", I've since booked him in for rehab.

[mom-101]

Mostly the texts I get are "did you pick up bread?" or "has the dog been out yet?"

When two writers get together over texting, magic happens I tell ya.

[Ayesha]

I work with a search firm and we work on senior hires within the banking domain, but this one got me baffled no end

Position JPMCVPBCP&DM (huh!!!)

Turned out to be VP Business Continuity Planning & Disaster Mgt. By the time you decipher that its a catastrophe!

[Jennifer]

"I'm not going to let you in unless you bring organic ketchup."

"call me in 12 minutes."

"ooga booga."

Your friends are a riot.

[Eun]

My brother enjoys texting the most random things:

What's a jabberwocky? They keep saying it in Alice in the Wonderland.

Your dog just looked me dead in the eye and then shit on the carpet.

WTF? A 10oz. bottle of A1 Sauce is 5 bucks?

Can you get a rash if your skin is too dry?

No bap. No Spam. Markets closed.