Kicking the Tires: Adventures in Alternative Medicine

Anyone in their 40's who says that age is just a number is either (1) spending a small fortune on cosmetic surgery, or (2) dating a twenty-year-old.

I am currently forty-one and for the most part, I feel pretty good. However, I've got to admit that maintaining my health and physical appearance has NEVER been harder. If my body were a car, I'd say that it still runs decently but it sure as hell spends a lot of time in the shop these days.

I was recently telling a woman how my body has been banged up with all these little nicks and dents. I had a non-cancerous cyst on my forehead that needed to be removed. My sinuses have been a mess all winter. I sprained an ankle that has limited my mileage on the treadmill. I haven't been sleeping well. My appendix was removed several months ago. And last week, I was in the OR to have an abscess surgically excised. Also, for some reason, my body seems to have developed an insatiable craving for burgers and soup dumplings. 

The woman turned to me and said, "Have you ever thought about alternative medicine or New Age treatments?"

Now, when it comes to my health, call me crazy but I'm generally a firm advocate of good old-fashioned, traditional, mainstream, science-based, corporate-funded, evil Western medicine.

Got a headache? Take two Advil.

Stomach feeling a little queasy? Throw down some Pepto.

Anything more serious and I'm in a taxi headed uptown to my Park Avenue diagnostician, a medical genius who has more degrees than a rectal thermometer. If I'm lucky, he'll dismiss me with a prescription for some Vicodin. But if it's anything that could be major, he's known me long enough to know that I'm going to need a team of guys in white lab coats with fancy degrees and even fancier beach houses. When it comes to my health, I'm going with the pros. In times of a serious health crisis, there is no need to be messing around with alternative medicine.

I know I'm not the only one who feels like that.

You ever see what happens when a medical epidemic hits India or Tibet? I don't know about you but it sure does seem like a lot of people are shoving grandma out of the way to get to one of those Red Cross tents.

Whether it's a medical emergency or not, I just don't see how having a patchouli-scented shaman instruct me to drink shark cartilage tea, snort palmetto, and chew deer penis beef jerky is going to have any impact on my overall health. Call me a product of my upbringing. 

I don't know.

Maybe part of the reason that I'm not a proponent of alternative medicine is because I barely even understand the jargon.

To me, Ginkgo Biloba is the name of that city in Spain with the new art museum. Aromatherapy is when you fart in a bathtub. And a homeopathic is a male nurse who touches you in funny places.

Anyway...when I asked the woman what types of alternative medicine she would recommend for me, she immediately replied "Acupuncture and Colonics."

Seriously?

I think it was Dennis Miller who once said that acupuncture basically works on the principle of distraction. You're not going to feel the arthritis in your knee when someone is ramming a giant needle in the nape of your neck. It's the same reason your nose never itches when your ankle is caught in a steel bear trap.

As for colonics, the thought of having high-pressure water irrigated into my coin slot sounds about as appealing as running nude sprints with a catheter in my johnson.

But as wary and cynical as I am, I do always pride myself on having an open mind. Basically, I'll give anything a try once. I'm generally a big believer in the philosophy that life is too short to be afraid of trying new things.

So with that thinking in mind, I admit to all of you that I have started experimenting with alternative medicines. (I don't mean actually taking them myself, I mean pretending I've taken them with great success and then recommending them to my friends so they'll take them...and I can see whether they really do work.)

Just kidding.

Actually, I can't find any friends gullible enough to believe me. Apparently I run with a pretty cynical crowd. Surprise!

So, next week, in the name of science, I am scheduled for a round of colonics, an acupuncture session, and a juice-cleansing herbal consultation. I'll keep you posted on all the details. Wish me luck.

While there's a part of me that hopes it works, there's also a bigger part of me that hopes it doesn't. Why? Because in the back of my mind, I'm fairly certain that colonics are a gateway drug to yoga. And as Vishnu is my witness, there is nothing more annoying than a person who does yoga. I'll get into that in another post.

Namaste, bitches!

Comments

[Mike Butler]

Thanks for the extremely funny post!

I'd recommend checking out T.R. Reid's Healing of America, and his personal experiences with alternative medicine.

Here's one link: http://fora.tv/2009/09/14/TR_Reid_The_Healing_of_America

[Neil]

I have a friend in LA who is obsessed with alternative medicine to the extent that when she gets colds she buys this tincture in Chinatown that looks like grinded bugs with seasoning. Although she is white Protestant from New Jersey, she somehow believes that non-Westerners have the key to health. "Think how many billions of people there are in China who have been using these techniques for centuries and are healthier than we are?!" she likes to tout, which of course, is not true. I see her the equivalent of those who see Indian gurus and mediation masters as somehow always thinking great thoughts, even if they are just wondering what they should have for lunch.

[Lauren Slayton]

I think you need to come to Foodtrainers for a consultation- no patchouli I promise.

[ClumberKim]

Part of me is hoping it doesn't work too. Better blog fodder.

[Mark S.]

Make sure to separate the colonic and juice-cleansing sessions. They should be able to keep the formulas apart, but you never know.

[Cheryl]

Thank you for brightening up my morning!

[Rick]

The pseudo-mystical irrigation and stabbing you're about to undergo will work, because it will distract you from your natural aches and pains by giving your brain new ones to ponder.

It's like magic. It's all about distraction. :)

[Ironic Mom]

Wow, I only have 11 months to go till I get some more dents...

I too am a believer in science, though I think there might value to researching some types of alternative testing, with all the double-blind-trials etc that are necessary.

Thanks for telling it with hummour.

[alice, uptown]

I can't imagine you experimenting with the granola set -- give me Western meds, or don't bother, is my motto.

Also, good to know you've got a Park Ave doc who presumably cares about you. Have you noticed the mismanaged nightmare companies call an internist in their system the "in-network primary care provider?" No where is the word doctor mentioned.

The last $10 copay doc I saw missed a big diagnosis -- lymphoma, anyone? Her name is Cindy Lai, and someone has hired her to work on East 64th St. I've never seen her M.D. shingle. And I sure as hell wouldn't recommend her for a hangnail.

[Alice]

Congrats on your new adventures! I think the being in tune with the body is the healthiest way to influence one's well being. It takes effort, but by thinking about what is eaten before resorting to the Pepto has made all the difference in my acid reflux problems.

We all believe in electricity, but we can't see it. Likewise, the body is composed of bio-energetic fields and by treating the energetic body with an emotional awareness, illness and dis-ease can be lessened.

I love your blog! Thanks for sharing your hilarious perspectives.

[kribss]

metro dad- glad to have you back man. funny funny post even if i am into all that natural shit.

[Captain Dumbass]

I let a girl do acupuncture on me once, but she was wicked hot, so, you know.

Personally, I'll stick to the tried and true evils of the pharmaceutical industry.

[Muscles McGee]

Pictures of the colonic, or it never happened.

[Janelle]

Hilariously funny, MD! Thanks for making my afternoon.

[Maggie]

I had a baby 5 days before I turned 40 and Christ almighty the entire pregnancy and after has been WAY harder than when I had my first at 33. 40's just a number my ass.

Still, I'm not considering alternative medicine either. I'm just not sure there is much that would cause me to voluntarily sign up for a colonic.

[Steve]

You need to post more often: mostly because putting that many jokes in one post makes me laugh so much I start coughing. But that's another thing you'll come across a bit further into your forties.

Already looking forward to the de-brief from the Colonics.

[carrie]

So nice to see another post from you!

I think a lot of natural remedies help with stress. And since stress is one of those things that can exacerbate or even possibly create real physical ailments, natural remedies can be really helpful. I'm kind of a hypochondriac and have seen my share of doctors & could never do without them, but I've enjoyed exploring other options as well. (I've not gone as far as colonics though - eek!)

[Mark Keisler]

a lot of so-called alternative medicine is pretty mainstream. Aspirin was originally made from willow bark, after all. I swear by Traditional Medicinals teas for when I have a cold. They knock that shit out.

[nonlineargirl]

I'm not opposed to alternative medicine - I always feel good after acupuncture - but I can't see doing a colonic. As far as I am concerned, the body is relatively self-regulating and a power-wash seems like it can only cause trouble.

That said, have fun!

[Silverthinks.blogspot.com]

Just remember that healthcare professionals (alternative or "maintream") are just like mechanics. Many are in business just to take your money and the super qualified, honest ones are few and far between. I hope you find what you're looking for MD.

However, colonics? Man, those are just weird.

[lolismum]

Please do not do any colonics/colon cleansing etc. Those are simply incredibly strong laxatives. Bad for you (you kill some good bacteria), bad for your poor, overworked colon, bad for your toilet pipes. Trust me, I have surveyed every GI doctor I have met (hubby had colon cancer, so I met quite a few) and they all collectively and separately screamed ,"No!" at even the idea of colon cleansing. Unless someone is going to shove a probe up your pooper for medical/ diagnostic reasons, no need to cleanse in there. Your body handles it on his on, thankyouverymuch.

[Ms.V]

Advil. Pepto. Cough syrup.

As soon as I had kids, there was never talk of alternative meds. EVER.

Carry on with that though...and I'll see you at Yoga class...

[jfwells]

Nothing at all more annoying than a man who does yoga:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtWcb0bcA-A

[angela]

I swear by accupuncture. My very talented accupunturist is like a physcic for my body. She can tell me the shape of my bowel movements just by looking at my tongue and taking my pulse. Hope you have a good experience and if you don't I will happily recommend mine although she practices on long island.

[DiggyDaddy]

Before I got married and had kids I was firmly in the Traditional Medicine camp. After I got married I found myself with a brother-in-law who is an Osteopath. Family reunions revolve around hearing the latest treatment for this or that and the latest criticism of traditional medicine.

In all honesty, I have moved further toward alternative medicine than ever before, while retaining criticism of some of the more far out stuff. But I am amazed by some of what I see. Much of the time what amazes me are treatments and philosophies that address causes and not symptoms.

I still find myself turning to traditional medicine in emergencies and serious illnesses but alternative medicine for maintaining a healthy mind and body. I think we need more in-between.

[Melissa]

I'm in Korea and I have a friend who, when studying to be a doctor of oriental medicine (as they call it here), would take a mini acupuncture kit with him everywhere - even to the pub. It was hilarious watching him try to practice on friends and acquaintences - or even random strangers - everytime they mentioned any sort of discomfort or medical issue. I *do* think acupuncture is/can be very effective but for a while (because of my friend) I just couldn't take it seriously. ^^

Good post! Cheers ...

[daddybookins]

MD,

Surely cannot wait to hear how the, "chew deer penis beef jerky" impacts your overall health! Yummy goodness! Cheers for the read! Best of wishes in the upcoming week.

Peas Out!
~daddy b.

[beyond]

Maybe you need some Reiki therapy... Great hilarious post, as usual. A better word for (most) alternative medicine is complementary medicine, because it complements western medicine, it doesn't replace it. Please stay away from any alternative therapist who tells you to stay away from traditional western doctors...

[L]

Do you WANT to date a twenty(one) year old? ;)

[Goofy Mumma]

Wow! That was a mean post. If you start understanding your body, you will realise that none of the modern medicine practitioners believe in holistic healing, or treating the body as a whole for that matter. I wonder what benefits you will get with the attitude you carry to acupuncture or whatever else u are trying fro kicks. But let me assure you, if you can really have an open mind you will convert like no other. I have had such miraculous personal experiences with Yoga and natural healing techniques, that the 'medical' doctors just cannot believe it. Never forget the power of positive thinking, that is all I can say.
PS - Really hope you get well.

[NurseRachett]

I agree with lolismom, your colon cleanses itself - if you start doing it instead, it's going to get lazy, bunged up, and filled with bad bacteria instead of good (speaking as a nurse who now has to take care of people in that situation....)

thanks for the post, great to hear from you, hope you're starting to recover/feel better from your procedures!

[kittenpie]

I'm with you on the cynical. I trust my doc.

But my question is - if you schedule them all in one week and something works, how will you know which one? You'll need ANOTHER round of needle-jabbing or butt-hosing to be sure... which, no thanks.

[Leanne K]

Better spread out all those sessions. give your body time to adjust to all the new methods you'll be exposing it. Remember to breathe and don't hold your breath, you'll just get more tense and freak yourself out. Good luck.

[JYN]

Love and trust my traditional doctors, and they have all recommended some preventative measures that might be categorized as alternative. If your sinuses are a mess, try rinsing them will saline solution (Ayr kit works best). My daughter had chronic sinusitis and this cleared it up completely.

[Issa]

I think there is a place for all of it. Sometimes the vitamin taking works, other times, I'm thankful I live in a world of antibiotics and pain pills. I guess, to each his own?

Massage and chiropractic adjustments are something I did, after a surgery. Worked out well. Helped. All that good shit. However? I also had surgery with medical instruments and a great surgeon. Both the chiropractor and the surgeon would say their way was the best, but in my head, it was a tie.

Needles in weird places??? Stuff shoved up your crapper? Well that makes me a bit uncomfortable. Good luck though.

[Muskrat]

Wait a second...didn't you try a cleanse of sorts last year? I seem to recall it didn't last very long. Maybe I'm confusing you with Dooce.

[beta dad]

Pretty funny. My wife is a doctor and she generally has no use for "alternative" or "Eastern" medicine She won't even use a neti pot (nose douche), which I swear by. (I started using it to deal with the snootfull of black boogers I get from remodeling gigs, and I've had very few allergy or cold symptoms since then.) Meanwhile, my wife's Vietnamese parents are always sending us rancid smelling herbal remedies and telling my wife to rub warm fishnets on her eczema. She ignores them and they ignore her when she tells them to take steroids for everything.

[grace]

Dude!

Didn't you got to Cal?

Aren't you liberated from 'convention'?? *haa*

Try a lower carb diet -- and cut out grains for a week and see how you feel. Veggies, meat and butter are fine (no rice, no bread, etc).

Get your doc to check your vitamin D level. Most adults require 4000 IU daily. It's a steroid but required for every cell for optimal functioning -- even prevention of BCC and melanoma.

-G

[mummyjaan]

Haha.

I thought I'd leave you a link to a similar post by another blogger who is a favourite of mine, though from a different continent.

http://www.mooslim.com/blog/?p=765

You could also view the embedded video. Don't miss it; I hope you'll love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMGIbOGu8q0&feature=player_embedded

[Dave]

Dude, I'm with you on this. I'm a hard core scientific method man. If you cannot demonstrate the efficacy of your treatment through a controlled study then I have no use for it. If you cannot explain the actual mechanics of you cure without resorting to a discussion of "energy" which cannot be measured, observed, or in any way measured, then it's not something you should be charging people for. If it was pulled right out of someone's ass, it doesn't matter if it was pulled out two thousand years ago by some guru or pulled out yesterday by Vince, the Sam Wow guy - it still is of questionable utility.

My sister is a yoga instructor and constantly sneers at normal food. She nearly vibrated with self rightious indignation when I gave my 5 year-old a donut for breakfast the other day. She didn't appreciate it when I asked her why the average life span in India is 34 years.

It's all about moderattion - not my strong suite.

Love you, man. Glad you're back.

Dave

[JDF]

Wait until you hit 50, dude. Then the wheels really start coming off.

[Pattie]

Hilarious post, and I can't wait to hear about your adventures in alternative medicine. You're braver than I am, that's for sure.

[Susan A]

Are you pulling an early April Fool's on us? Seriously a colonic??

Thanks for the post. Silently laughing at my desk. Please write more.

[Jae Young]

Koreans are totally into "alternative" medicine/한약 and colonics. You're just getting in touch with your roots. I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't know that people in "traditional" science knows all the answer. Look how easily trends sway dietary science or lifestyle science. It's a mix. I think believing wholeheartedly in one or the other is problematic. Gotta be open about both a bit, no?

Good to know our bouts of snow aren't keeping you down, MD. Don't be a stranger <3

[marina]

as much as I appreciate the need for diagnosis from someone with degrees and a right to wear white before and after labor day, I have to say that alternative medicine may not have all the cures of illness, it does work great in terms of preventing them and maintaining one's health.
And as for yoga, you should try it :). It's all about the right instructors and patience. Have only been practicing since August, but I can see the results already.

Good luck with the colonics!

[J.P. Fischer]

Call it glib ropery, but the dope bloke in me thinks cynicism is a distraction from a mortal fear of dying queer. I do yoga, and bathe in hellfire to stay sic. Milk that, bitchaaays!

[Geo]

Sorry, but IMO the great power that created our human form (insert deity here) made our alimentary canal to function in one direction only. If you wanna stick something up there and flush it in the opposite direction then good luck to you. You can’t put tooth paste back in the tube and you can’t spit water back into the water fountain after you have had a long cool drink. You are messing with the primal forces of nature. Nothing good can come of it!

[pensive legal alien]

I'm working for the pharmaceutical industry - and I'm its worst client. I don't see more evil in western medicine than in other western things but I do see a lot of mindless consuming of western therapeutics.

If I'm at the dentist, I'm forever grateful for that anaesthetic. If I need surgery, I don't need a shaman. But for quite a number of problems, I went for alternative methods, especially acupuncture massage (APM) and it worked wonders.

Sometimes they work well together: my father had a spinal disk operation and after about ten years the scars started to cause him unbearable pain. After nothing "western" worked, he followed my suggestion and went for APM. He was pain-free after three sessions...and still is.

So, most important for all that, I think: your open mind!

[Matt Ong]

Just because something works by distraction doesn't mean it doesn't work.

[David]

Sounds just like my fear of going to church for a wedding or a christening, getting that epiphany that's eluded me all these years and then realising I'm going to have to go every week, sing all those songs I can't stand and listen to fucking awful parables for the rest of my life.