Confessions of a Reality TV addict

Normally I never watch Hollywood-type awards shows because the only thing I hate more than celebrities is the mind-numbing public adoration of them.

If you spend any time with actors or actresses, the first thing you notice is how little they have to say. In fact, any real substance is inversely related to how much they like to talk. Most of them tend to be intellectually bereft vessels of abject need with over-sized egos as fragile as Tiger Woods' marriage.

Their constant need for approval and attention is usually only matched by their sense of self-righteousness and entitlement. I have a pet theory that the only people with similar psychological make-ups are serial killers, pro athletes, U.S. Senators and brain surgeons.

Fuck, I forgot where I was going with all this.

Oh yeah...awards shows.

Last week, I was watching the Academy Awards on television with a few friends. As we were talking, we realized that none of us had watched any of the movies that were nominated for awards. In fact, a few of hadn't even heard of the nominated movies.

This was surprising for many reasons. Here we were, a bunch of Ivy-educated, successful, cosmopolitan, cultured and sophisticated New Yorkers---yet we could barely remember the last time we'd even been to the movies.

We're all voracious readers. We attend concerts, plays, lectures, art exhibits, and other cultural events. Yet when it came to film, how was it possible that we were so far removed from the cultural zeitgeist?

As the night went on, we began to analyze the depths of our situation and realized that our primary source of entertainment these days came solely from one singular source.

Reality television.

That's right. Give us Jersey Shore, American Idol, Real Housewives, The Bachelor, America's Next Top Model, Top Chef, Biggest Loser, Extreme Home Makeover, Intervention, America's Best Dance Crew, Hell's Kitchen, The Millionaire Matchmaker, Celebrity Apprentice---the list literally goes on and on. 

Now, I'm sure there's a Marshall McLuhan scholar out there who can explain how reality television merely reflects who we are as a society. Surely, our love of these shows connotes something about our values, doesn't it? Are they simply guilty pleasures or is there a deeper subtext to our devotion to them?

Quite honestly, I don't know and I don't care.

The only meta question I ever ask myself about reality television is when I'm watching "Cops" and I think, "Why the hell is that crazy bitch running down the street in her underwear?"

Don't get me wrong. I'm not judgmental. The creator of "Cops" is actually a close family friend and while I disagree with his view that the show is a revolutionary mise-en-scene study of urban decay in modern America, I am extremely envious of the fact that his toughest daily decision is which private jet to fly to his private winery. 

I just can't believe how pervasive reality television has become. More importantly, I can't believe how much I enjoy it.

My favorite reality shows are the voyeuristic "fly on a wall" shows like "Jersey Shore" or "Housewives." Watching people voluntarily auction off their privacy and openly humiliate themselves for two minutes of fame is the television equivalent of sitting down on your couch to watch a impending train wreck. I can't get enough of it.

Personally, I could never subject myself to this level of invasion of privacy. Last year, a television production company approached me about turning MetroDad into a reality television show...starring myself. 

First, I told them I couldn't imagine anything more boring in the entire universe. Second, I explained that when I'm by myself, I do things that I would never do if I knew I was being videotaped. I'm not just talking about picking my nose or farting on my daughter's head. Hell, I clip my fingernails with my mouth. I guzzle hot sauce right out of the bottle. And while I'm ashamed to admit it, most of my free time is spent lying on the couch naked reading the New Yorker while eating beef jerky and sipping scotch. Not exactly titillating entertainment.

Aside from the voyeuristic reality shows (which I like to think that I enjoy purely from a socio-anthropological basis,) my other favorite reality TV shows are of the competition-based genre.

Although I'm not the hugest fan of the show, my daughter absolutely LOVES watching "American Idol." It's one of our favorite shows to watch together. As an ardent fan of democracy, I enjoy the populist approach to selection that the show offers. However, I've always been amazed at the show's enormous popularity. Every week, tens of millions of Americans tune in to watch and cast their votes. It's truly revolutionized television.

My only theory on the show's success is based on the fact that everyone knows tits sell. And who on television has bigger tits than Simon Cowell?

People seem to still love "Survivor." Personally I have a very soft spot in my heart for "Survivor." My favorite season was the one where they divided teams based on race. The fact that Korean-American superhero Yul Kwon won the entire competition had an enormous impact on my life. For a brief period, he was the most famous Asian-American person on the planet. For an even briefer period of time, people on the subway stopped saying to me, "You know who you look like? Margaret Cho!"

In all seriousness, I don't know where reality television can go next. I'd love to see networks take things to the next level and start double-layering the shows and cross-pollinating concepts.

Like how about having the "Housewives of New York" take on the cast of "Jersey Shore" in a "Survivor"-type battle of the fittest on a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific? Wouldn't you pay big money to see Kelly Bensimon beat the crap out of Snookie?

Or maybe we need to re-invent the genre so that we're all stars in our own reality show. I have several ideas for shows in this genre. However, the one I'm pitching next season is called "Are You Really Going to Eat All That?" and it involves simply mounting video cameras atop the carving station at The Old Country Buffet. 

Anyway, I could probably go on and on for hours about my love of reality television. My theory on why reality television appeals to the highly intelligent alone could take up another 5 pages. Unfortunately, I've got to stop writing right now.

Why?

Because Bravo is running a "Millionaire Matchmaker" marathon, bitches!

By the way, please tell me I'm not alone in my love of reality television. What's your favorite reality show? And why do you enjoy it so much? C'mon. Spill it. An inquiring mind wants to know.

Comments

[Sue Laguna-Whang]

Hi, My name is Lagunatic and I'm addicted to Bravo.
I'm still trying to figure out how to get RuPaul's Drag Race to move over to Bravo so I'd never have to change the channel ever again....keep all the hot tranny messes in one place y'know.

[whoorl]

I am completely obsessed with all things Bravo. Real Housewives, Flipping Out, Top Chef, Kell on Earth...I eat that shit UP, Pierre.

Oh! And Shear Genius? Uh, it's GENIUS. (But you knew I was going to like that one, didn't you?)

[Yamus]

Jersey Shore, Amazing Race, and the Biggest Loser.

[Julie Kang]

I think I've totally missed the reality show boat. However, the only reality show I've ever seen, I happen to be addicted to: RuPaul's Drag Race. That and Glee are the only reasons I own a television!

[Lena]

Dear God, is it any reason why I love you? You crack me up.

[Alison B.]

For an even briefer period of time, people on the subway stopped saying to me, "You know who you look like? Margaret Cho!"

Bwahaha!

[cam c.]

No way, I totally hate reality shows. Um, wait does "So You Think You Can Dance" count as a reality show? Crap.

[June]

The Bachelor/Bachelorette, Jersey Shore, 19 Kids and Counting, Toddlers & Tiaras. Oh, man - I need to get a life!

[Jen_Ann_W]

There are only a small handful of reality shows I might watch, and Project Runway is the only one I make sure I always catch. No, I'm afraid my vice is crime dramas. Which, if you look at the social and psychological aspect, might be worse than reality TV. That, and the acting is about on the same level too.

[SassyCupcakes]

The best reality tv show I've seen is Tool Academy.Living in Australia we don't have the same disturbing/amazing selection as you, but the day I discovered TA my mind was blown and I was instantly addicted. I'm sure it's not healthy to plan my life around a tv show, but if it's going to be on, I'll be on the couch.

[Beczbabbles.blogspot.com]

I can not get enough reality TV. The trashier the people the better. Jersey Shore, Hell's Kitchen, 19 Kids and Counting, Toddlers and Tiaras. I totally should be ashamed, but I am not.

[beta dad]

I don't have a TV, and reality shows are part of the reason. They have no redeeming social value, and I am totally against them. And I am terrified that I would piss my life away watching them if I had a TV. I developed a small "Deadliest Catch" problem during a dirty weekend (academic conference) in Seattle. It took me about 20 hrs and 35 bucks spent on DVD's to kick it. I have watched several episodes of "Jersey Shore" online and I felt just filthy afterwards every time.

[K]

Project Runway... Say "Yes" to the Dress...and Dirty Jobs are the main ones I will actually sit down and watch. Everything else is just filler @ the dinner table.

[Elyse Summers]

My name is Elyse. And I'm a reality TV show addict. Can't get enough of them. And yes, I subscribe to your theory that they have a special hold on the highly intelligent. They do, don't they?

[Victoria]

I am adicted. .. . and I do not tell anyone. Just sit at home with my secret.

[mia]

Nothing can top RuPaul's Drag Race. I don't know why, but I always feel guilty watching Bravo shows - Top Chef, Kell on Earth, Millionaire Matchmak... well, the last one I know why...

[nonlineargirl]

I was feeling all high-minded because my favorite reality show was Project Runway. But then I watched a season and a half of RuPaul's Drag Race in three days.

[Shelly]

As I read, I flipped the channel from The Biggest Loser, to American Idol. I'm totally a reality addict. If you need to get a fix of a great Canadian Idol singer? (Here's my patriotic plug) Check out Theo Tams from last season. Amazing.

[Alice]

Yeah, I'm with you all. Survivor and the Amazing Race are the 2 I'm mostly interested in, though Celebrity Apprentice can get strangely compelling. A lack of cable makes many other shows non-contenders, but I have a feeling I'd be watching crap like Tool Academy if it were flip-by-able.

[Silverthinks.blogspot.com]

I love most of the shows you mentioned and Big Brother. I even watched Big Brother After Dark when I couldn't sleep some nights. Fucking fascinating...or, wait, socio-anthropological? Yep. That sounds better. From G's to Gents on MTV also. Holy cats.

[MetroDude]

The Bachelor can kiss my ass. That fucking show sucks (and I still ALWAYS watch). Housewives are the best. What a season. The real estate bubble burst in SoCal and ALL of those bitches lost it all - and it exposed how tenuous the whole house of cards was to begin with. After saying "you look hot" to each of them, they had nothing to say (mostly because they can't read) and when the money dried up, the husbands left. Classic.

[Teufelkindsvater]

I HAVE 'reality' TV. It's the primary reason I've basically given up on broadcast tv.
There is nothing I'd like to watch less on TV than a bunch of irritating, self-centered morons- the same morons that I'm always stuck behind in traffic, or in line at the grocery (the ones who, despite their best efforts, cannot work the self-check out machines).

The reality show I'd like to see is called "King of the Mountain"(C). Where every reality 'star' is rounded up and given a stick and a rock. They then fight to make it (and stay) at the top of an Aztec type step pyramid. The winner is the one who is still alive and kicking on top of the mountain at the end of the hour. One good thing about this plan is that it will also help 'clean the filter' of the gene pool, by helping to guarantee that most of these idiots cannot reproduce any more.

I've pretty much abandoned the movies as well, although exceptions will always be granted for a good zombie movie like Zombieland or Shaun of the Dead.

Mainstream media is boring, irritating, and for me, best avoided.

[Steve]

Forget the celebrities. The only reality TV shows I can stomach are the ones where men far braver than me do jobs I probably couldn't hack, despite liking to think I could. For example, "The Deadliest Catch" and "Ice Road Truckers".

[Mike Butler]

Here's the best reality show: go out in public. No, you can't sit on your couch naked and watch, but its much more entertaining than any reality show. Spend some time at a WalMart for the best reality show (take your camera so you have proof). Or my favorite: a bar.

Yes, the best reality show is life. Go out and watch.

Personally I can't stand much of anything shown on TV these days. I cancelled my cable and use an antennae to watch a few PBS shows. When I do watch a TV show, its usually something from BBC because they use actual trained actors instead of the looks-are-more-important-than-ability often seen in US shows.

I will never understand why we celebrate executives, actors and athletes and pay them ridiculous amounts of money while the people laboring to improve society are ignored.

[Hetha]

I've never missed a season of Project Runway and am totally addicted to the blog projectrungay as a result. The only drawback is that I've noticed I've become hyper critical of what people are wearing, yet I continue to sloth around in the same tired clothes day in and out. I wonder if others are feeling more critical as a result of too much reality/competitive t.v.?

[Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time]

I recently found the first season of Rock of Love buried within the depths of Hulu...and watched the whole frickin' thing AGAIN (even the reunion show). And I love me some Charm School. Clearly, I have problems.

[Cindy]

Alaska State Troopers - come on is there anything funnier than a bunch of drunk Eskimo's???? and lets not forget the little people - good grief I'm so over all of this. I don't want to watch people being intervened with or how dwarf's live in the big world or women having their breasts enlarged or reduced, having babies or losing weight or who can sing and dance - I JUST DON'T CARE!!!! :)

[Anhtuan Doventry]

AMAZING RACE!! American Idol. Amazing race because it just seems like such an awesome thing to do, but I couldn't leave my family for the time to actually do it. American Idol because the whole family can watch it together.

[carosgram]

I admit that my taste level is low and I do love some "reality" tv shows. I especially like Project Runway and Top Chef as they show people doing what they do in real life, you know, reality. And I do admit I have enjoyed Housewives of Orange County for the gossipy aspects ( I love Vicky). But even more I like Anthony Bourdine (sp), Man vs. Food and Bizarre Foods. What an eye opener and yet is has encouraged me to try some new/different flavors. But many of the shows leave me cold like The Bachelor, Big Brother and even Survivor - way too contrived. On the other hand Amazing Race is pretty special with really cool locales. Many I never get so hoity toity that I can't enjoy a little trash tv.

[Unlikelymama]

Hmmmm I used to claim that I hated reality TV, but I'm afraid to admit that I'm obsessed with a few shows.

It used to be Job & Kate, even after the scandal, the train-wreck was too much to pass up. I still love the Duggars. Project Runway, though these days I just put it on as background noise. Last season in LA put me off a bit. LOVE the little couple and want the wife to be my NICU dr, ha! Teen Mom/16 and Pregnant LOVE, oh and Tool Academy is AMAZING :-)

[munimma]

cash cab :-) I hope to visit NYC especially for that.
Does that count as 'reality'?

[Laura B.]

I love Amazing Race. My husband and I watch it every week and talk about how dumb the people are and how we would be so much better (yeah right!). I know we'd end up being that annoying arguing couple!

[Janelle]

Love your writing and witty sense of humor. Keep it up. Would love to see more frequent posts. They always make my day!

[Fiona]

Jersey Shore was brilliant. I can't wait to see where all the cast members are in 20 years.

[ray lee]

Besides the news sometimes and sports, I rarely watch TV. I simply don't have time for it in my schedule.

Last year, I was able to catch episodes of Top Chef and that is probably my favorite show. At the same time, there's nothing for me to compare it to because I have never seen any episodes of all the other shows like "Housewives," "Survivor," or even "Jersey Shore."

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[ray lee]

And any reason why your fonts are all different? They appear different on my RSS reader. I guess you wrote some pieces in one medium and other parts in another?

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[misfithausfrau]

I find Teen Mom, No Reservations, The Real Housewives of Atlanta and New Jersey, AND World's Deadliest Catch RIVETING. I haven't watched The Apprentice in years, but I have high hopes for this season. Clearly, my taste is all over the place.

[Allison]

Yes, I'm a professional with a graduate degree and I love reality TV. I've watched a ton of it. My favorites are Keeping Up with the Kardashians (is that as low as you can go?), Top Chef, The Little Couple, Design Star, Biggest Loser, and Survivor. I even love talking about reality shows. Imagine the greatness that would happen if I put all this energy into something productive?

[SciFi Dad]

I'm a recovering reality addict. I used to watch all kinds of it: Survivor, Amazing Race, Bachelor, Dating in the Dark...

Then I got back into the scripted drama: stuff like Lost, Heroes, House, and even the soon-to-be-canceled Flash Forward.

Now the only reality I watch is The Bachelor, and that's more because my wife loves it; if she were willing to drop it for House I'd be reality-free.

[Issa]

Mine are cooking competition shows. Which is dam funny, seeing how I'm a horrible cook. Top Chef, Chopped, Bobby Flay's Showdown. It really is a problem.

I watch Idol with my girls. Some years it makes me want to pluck my own eardrums out with a spork. This year isn't as bad. I will say, that I'm glad Paula is gone.

Let's see...oh and Amazing Race. Adore it. Can't handle watching Survivor. If I wanted to watch people starve for 30 days, I'd go back to Los Angeles and meet some models.

[Ironic Mom]

Someone wanted to do a reality TV show on you? Kind of simultaneously flattering and creepy.

I did a two-part blog series a couple months ago on What Reality Shows Can Teach Us About Parenting. It's tongue-in-cheek, I assure you. Here are the links if you're interested.

Part 1, What Reality TV Teaches Parents: http://bit.ly/5AABYe
Part 2: http://bit.ly/bZUdbz

Happy scotch drinking...

[Dadcation]

I don't watch any reality TV, except for college football. That's real, right?

I can't believe you didn't want to do "Pierre TV"! I'm sure it'd be better than watching Matthew McCConaughey (playing "Ed") make out with his brother's girlfriend, right?

[Jae Young]

Million Matchmaker is the best!!! I love reality tv, but this is the reason I don't have cable. I'd never go to work. I could ostensibly give up tv as well, but that's a little too hardcore for me. That and sometimes I fantasize about getting a phd in sociology/anthropology because of tv, so you know, gotta keep the tv, so the dream can stay alive.

People forget that when tv first came out, viewers actually thought the shows were real, so I think we're just coming full circle.

And most importantly of all, you're family friends with the creator of Cops? I sort of work with the kind of people who show up on Cops, I really have v. little interest in spending my spare time watching them on TV. I'd rather expand my exposure to forms of questionable behavior.

[MsV1959]

My favorite night is the night The Soup is on, when I can quietly mock the worst of the worst. :)

I used to LOVE Biggest Loser, but I'm kinda over the Tongans and the crying and the no-game-play-because-we-all-love-each-other stuff. Seriously? Where is the cut-throat?

I just watched Celebrity Apprentice for the first time, and am noticing a recycling of celebrities. Sharon Osbourne on both America's Got Talent AND CA? Brett Michaels on Rock of Love AND CA? I mean really? There wasn't room for Carnie Wilson?

What's getting me about the genre, is a general gene pool problem. I mean how many shows can Bobby Brown be on? First CMT's country music one? Now REHAB? Maureen McGovern-country music & ALSO Celebrity Fit Club? (With Carnie Wilson, yet again!)

And sadly, I continue to watch.

The fact that I planned this post out in the middle of my work day says that Yes, I am a Reality Show fan. I prefer connesour rather than addict.

I have a family member who writes for Reality TV shows. I told him the best show he write would be one about a High School English teacher in California. He said no one would touch it (my job)> LOL

[MsV1959]

...that's connoisseur...

(Reality TV brain makes me forget to edit)

:)

[Blythe]

I still don't quite understand how much Top Chef appeals to me when I can't taste or smell the food, but there it is.

I'm also a huge fan of So You Think You Can Dance. I believe it's one of the few places outs PBS to see real art on television.

Well, that and my other addiction, Biggest Loser.

[Elizabeth]

I like a little reality tv, but my own concept (that I pitch to my family) is a suvivor type show but the contestants are Jeff Probst, Ryan Seacrest, Bradford Hal from sreenvision(at the movie theaters), the two hosts of "Wipeout", and I add others as they annoy me. They are trapped on an island and have to wear the same clothes for days, have no stylist, no cell service, have to eat fast food all day and go to tribal counsel and be asked stupid leading questions by Vanna White, but never get to leave the island (priceless). This would be my dream show. What purpose do these people serve anyway but to ask stupid questions?

[J.M. Cook]

I look every week day to see if you've posted... knowing that you've been doing kind of a once-a-monther, I was surprised and so happy to see yesterday's post. Again, hahahaha, thanks for making me laugh out loud. Please write a book!

And you got me thinking -- what about Kell on Earth trading places with Chef Gordon Ramsay in a Project Runway competition for the S&M crowd?

[Ames K.]

my tv is always tuned to food network or bravo, and occasionally i switch to hgtv. what does that say about my life?

i really need to get out more.

ps...i've been reading your blog for years, just starting to comment now, i enjoy all your entries, keep it up!

[Rachel E.]

Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, Project Runway, The Hills, American Idol....LOVE 'em!

But I do worry about original storytelling being a thing of the past though. It's like writers just run out of ideas or something.