Diary of a Single Dad

I'll never forget when my friend Sarah sat me down many years ago to lecture me about my relationships with the opposite sex.

"Do you know how many girlfriends you'd have if you shut your mouth? You're smart, sexy, funny, caring and interesting. You read more than anyone I know and you've traveled all over the world. However, your constant need to entertain yourself is your Achilles' heel. You've got to learn to shut up. Also, it would help if you didn't have such an obvious indifference to whether people liked you or not. Idiot!"

At first, I was shocked by her honesty but then I slowly realized that her points were completely valid. I did need to work on how I related to other people.

That lasted about two days.

Look, I know I can sometimes come off as a sarcastic prick who tends to use humor as a defense mechanism and frequently finds himself lapsing under the Mendoza line into the bush leagues of unintentional rudeness. At the same time, I think I may have some form of Tourette's that has removed the filters between my brain and my mouth. 

But it's not that I don't like people. It's just that certain events have made me poignantly aware of how short life is and that I shouldn't waste time with shallow idiots who make the Jonas brothers sound like Truman's counsel of Wise Men.

Is it so wrong that I'd rather be alone than spend time with humorless people lacking in intellect, emotion, empathy or character? 

I was thinking about this recently when it suddenly struck me that empirically I am a 41-year-old single father with a 5-year-old daughter.

Holy crap!

I'm an old dude with a kid and a weird sense of humor.

Ok, maybe I'm not old but I'm definitely ringing the buzzer on middle age.

Part of the problem is that in my mind I'm a much younger man. Unfortunately, I'm not. This, in and of itself, wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that I would like to get married again and possibly have more kids.

And since there's no way that I'm going to date outside my own age range, I'm thinking that I might have to start displaying a little more maturity than I did in my younger years.

Recent conversations with women are convincing me that this may be much harder than I realized and there remains a fairly decent chance that I will die alone.

Conversation No. 1

Woman: "Do you like to read books?

Me: "Immensely. Why?  Are you reading anything interesting these days?"

Woman: "Yes! I just finished Twilight. I loved it!"

Me: "Me too! Didn't you like totally cry when Dumbledore died at the end?"

Postmortem analysis: "As a general rule, I don't date women who read children's books."

Conversation No. 2

Me: "Wow. You sure like flossing your teeth."

Woman: "Yes, I do it after every meal. Don't you floss your teeth?"

Me: "Religiously."

Woman: "Every single day?"

Me: "Nah. Just Christmas and Passover."

Postmortem analysis: "At the time, I just thought it was funny. However, friends tell me I was being glib and dismissive. Does it really matter? Could I ever be with a woman who was so obsessed with flossing that she did it publicly after every single meal?  I think not."

Conversation No. 3

Me: "Actually, I always thought WWJD meant 'what would Jesus drive?'"

Woman: "Cute. Well, what kind of car do you think Jesus would drive?"

Me: "I don't think Jesus drives. He just rides in the back of a giant Escalade."

Woman: "Why an Escalade?"

Me: "Because everyone says Jesus is their homeboy and all the homeboys I know drive Escalades." 

Woman: "Don't you think Jesus would be more environmentally conscious?"

Me: "When you roll with a large entourage, higher emission standards are generally subordinate to the need for third-row seating."

Woman: "Jesus rolls with an entourage?"

Me: "Yeah, those 12 guys following him who keep asking him to turn water into wine."

Woman: "You're not a religious or spiritual man, are you?"

Postmortem analysis: "I know. It's hard to believe I'm 41, isn't it?"

It's interesting being single at the age of 41.

When I was younger, I dated vastly different kinds of women because I wanted to expose myself to a diaspora of individual personalities. Now that I'm older, I tend to find myself far more selective. Or maybe the proper word is discerning.

Nick Hornby once said that it was no good pretending any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.

A small part of me tends to agree with this sentiment. Especially at my age, the idea of being in a relationship with someone who shares my interests and similar perspective on life is warmly comforting. I tend to be very passionate about the things I love so there's a large part of me that wants to be with a woman whom when I read a great book, hear an amazing song, watch a deeply moving film or discover a new restaurant, I can run up to her excitedly and yell, "Look what I found! This is US!"

On the other hand, doesn't every couple start off by talking about all the things they have in common? And if the relationship doesn't last, don't you just end up thinking about all the ways you were so different? More importantly, isn't life much more interesting being with someone who not only has different interests but also brings a different perspective to life?

Does anyone have the answers to these questions?

When it comes to the subject of compatibility, I confess to being as confused as I have ever been.  We get together with people because they're the same or because they're different, and in the end we break up with them for exactly the same reasons.

Now granted, there are many other aspects besides compatibility that are important to any healthy relationship. However, when you're single and thinking about whom you'd like to date, compatibility tends to take on a heavier weight. 

Honestly, I don't know what the future brings for me and I'll confess that there are times when this uncertainty makes me a tad nervous. I've always been fairly good at meeting women. At the same time, I've always been fairly good at being alone.

Maybe a little too good. 

While I am an avowed romantic who firmly believes that no man is an island, I also find myself thinking more and more at this age that perhaps the ideal goal of a relationship between two people isn't a merging of two individuals. On the contrary, maybe the healthiest long-term relationships accept that, even between the closest people, infinite distances exist and the key to happiness is to not only wholly love someone but also to be comfortable with the great expanse that inherently lies between you.

Then again, as another female friend tells me, maybe I just think too damn much.  

What say you, my friends?

Comments

[Lena]

You're back!!! I was getting worried that you were never going to blog again. Nothing makes me happier than seeing your site pop in my google reader.

[bailamos]

im only 26, but i'd like to say something anyway. i have the same problem you do: i am sarcastic and joking to a fault. i realized this was a problem a while ago, and i've made a conscious effort to tone it down. however, i understand if you cant help yourself sometimes, especially with adults who gush about stupid teenage lit and other bull. perhaps you're not really ready or interested in dating someone new, which is why you find yourself saying such stuff to women right now. or are you? im not sure, i cant really tell. while im not married (god, i feel too young and unaccomplished), i realized that ANY kind of relationship has to have a balance of both differences and similarities. but more importantly, they have to be differences that you can tolerate (there are different kinds of differences, right?). some i can take, some i cannot. so my point is... i do agree with you that a relationship really does require you to be comfy with the chasm that inevitably lies between you and the other. it's unrealistic and perhaps dangerous to believe that you can merge with someone else to be one. i dont believe that. it just sets you up for huge disappointment.

[JustLinda]

Do you have any RUSH in your album collection? If you can't, then you and I will never marry, which is good because I'm already married, quite happily. (nya-nya) (just kidding) (really! I was!)

Anyway, the last bit of your post brought to mind a song called Entre Nous. Doesn't that sound sophisticated? I'm practically bi-lingual.

Anyway...

The chorus from that particular song says it all:

Just between us,
I think it's time for us to recognize
The differences we sometimes fear to show.
Just between us,
I think it's time for us to realize
The spaces in between
Leave room for you and I to grow.

~~~~~~~

You gotta have spaces in between. Because? Well, didn't you read it? They LEAVE ROOM FOR GROWTH.

Good luck with it all. You know, I think you're fab. I'm glad we both decided to come back and blog. Independently, that is. I know how rumors get started. (Rumors... Hmmm... Fleetwood Mac, also in my collection.)

[Estelle P.]

It's posts like this that only make me crush on you more. Funny, sincere, and touching---all at the same time.

[Eforeric]

Glad to have you writing again

[Julie Kang]

My personal theory is the differences themselves don't matter. Bring any two human beings together, they're going to have lots of similarities and differences. What really makes or breaks a relationship is _how_ you deal with the inevitable conflicts and adjustments each person has to make to accommodate being together. If it's with mutual respect, love, sweat, and tears (and if it's your thang, the occasional plate thrown immediately followed by passionate sex on the closest stable surface), things go more smoothly.

My husband and I fight ALL the time. We are really different people but *knock on wood* we are still together because we have our own way of resolving flare-ups while still living with the inherent conflicts that will never go away. And there's also the unnameable "thing" that some people call chemistry that keeps us together as well. I dunno, it's probably fucked up, but it works for us. Anyway, read John Gottman's principles on marriage (it says marriage but it's applicable to all relationships). It's evidence-based theory so it hopefully won't make you gag.

[snickollet]

I can't wait to read the replies to this. I spend 50% of my time wishing I had someone to date and 50% of my time thinking that it's all too much hassle and that I've already got way too much going on to add a relationship to the mix.

Great post.

[Derek]

Stop thinking so much and go find yourself a hot Swedish model. Trust me. You'll be compatible.

[pensive legal alien]

Boy, I can relate.

I'm 51 now and got into a relationship about 10 years ago (after having been single for a while - obviously; well on second thought that's not obvious, but that's how it was).

It didn't work out.

Yes, we think too much. And yes, it is good to be comfortable with oneself but it has its drawbacks (for example being prone to thinking too much...).

There's no recipe of course; I finally found out that I'm not good in choosing partners for myself; I need some guidance.

I'm with someone for nearly five years now. Since about four years we're living together. I've had relationships with a much better match (meaning compatibilities on different levels). Still, for some reason this one seems to one work. There's love, definitely, although sometimes I suffer from the lack of compatibility.

We can't have it all. A friend once told me, if we want it all (and NOW!), we actually want "Mom". It's immature. So I try to grow...

I wish you all the best.

[Issa]

All these years and you still make me laugh.

I am the wrong person to ask any type of relationship advice from, in this moment. My advice? Enjoy life.

[JJ Daddy-O]

*sniff* We love you, man...

[Sarah]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years now. We both love to travel, read, explore museums and all the varied NYC neighborhoods. The problem is that he reads non-fiction about Stalin, Lenin, and Russia during the wars, while I read memoirs and novels off the Booker Prize Shortlist. His favorite music consists of 80s hair metal, KISS, and death metal from Sweden; I listen to folk-rock, Classical, and Broadway show tunes. If you had asked me even 5 years ago if I could imagine myself living with a man who owns 35 electric guitars (in a goddamn Queens one-bedroom apartment), I would have said no. Miraculously, it works - despite his atrocious taste in music.

[Jacky]

i'd like to think it's best to date those who share similar humor. unfortunately, the 'humor' always comes off as uncomfortable and insensitive to strangers on the outside. (no one will understand if you suddenly burst out laughing at racist jokes or such...) therefore, i always tends to wait until i've gotten to know the girl and see that we do share similar sense of humors. but at that point, we're already good friends. such a dilemma...

[Claire - Matching Pegs]

I think a relationship can thrive with lots of differences, but at the core, each persons values must match.

for example...
People have successful partnerships with different political beliefs, different interests, different cultural backgrounds, but tend to falter when one partner likes to spend every weekend visiting family, and the other never wants to see theirs and can't understand this "family obsession".

[Restless Mama]

No way, no how am I a relationship expert but if I had been on those dates with you and heard those jokes I would have had a really good chuckle. As a single 26-year-old mama to a toddler who hasn't dated let alone had the "S" word (*wink*) in almost 2 years (that's a drought) I'm not terrified of dating but curious if I'd be able to meet someone I'd find remotely interesting.

I'd be happy enough to find someone who could acutally make me laugh and didn't mind my terrible grammar. My mind is set that I probably won't find someone until I'm 80 because I too love being on my own (too much). But sometimes I just need a big man hug.

Maybe I'll just get me a cabana boy.

[Maya]

Ugh, men! This reminds me of that scene in High Fidelity (you may not be familiar -- it's neither foreign language nor filmed by a Parkinson's sufferer with a handheld camcorder) in which John Cusack's character (another man who was too old to behave as he did) exposits that when it comes to dating, it doesn't matter what you're like; it only matters what you like.

Shallow, MD. Shallow.

When a loved one is in the hospital or the Peanut has a bad dream, will you care whether the woman equipped to meet that situation with adequate strength and warmth has Wizard Potter’s Dark Materials or In Search of Lost Time on the nightstand?!

Interests shift and develop.
Character is what matters. That and a nice ass.

[Jen_Ann_W]

This post struck a chord with me, as DH and I are in the process of evaluating our relationship and whether it might be best to be done with it. Our level of compatibility is hard to judge, as we're comfortable with each other with very similar tastes but we have no chemistry whatsoever. He's more like my BFF than my spouse. So I don't really have an answer, except that to me having similar senses of humor is important (and I'll tell you right now that if you had said those things to me I would have fallen down laughing!), but the rest is a very delicate balancing act.

[Mali]

Read "The Road Less Traveled" it's got some good stuff about love and maintaining your individuality.

[Mary]

Lovely post.

Relationships are hard cuz we're all selfish pricks.

Being alone is much "easier" in the sense that you won't ever fight or argue about who is right/wrong but there is that loneliness factor.

You have so many readers crushing on you, go pick one of them to date! =)

[CJ]

My wife and I got divorced after 17 years of marriage together. Most of those years were pretty good. It was only towards the end of the marriage that I understood the amorphous phrase "we simply grew apart."

My wife and I are still good friends. I will always love her. We just didn't work as a couple any more. We're better as friends.

I bring this up because my wife and I had very different interests but shared the same values. It's great because it makes raising two kids separately but together easier. It just didn't work in the relationship.

I guess I'm simply saying that I don't think there's any way to figure out what is or isn't going to work in a relationship. Part of the great adventure of life is taking that leap with people to see if your pieces fit their pieces.

Sometimes you're right. Sometimes you're wrong.

[Mary]

Oh, my husband's a sarcastic prick too. In the beginning, and sometimes even now, this bothered me but now I'm used to it and have grown to have a similar sense of humor. Now we're both unintentionally rude to people together!

[Heather]

Glad you're back writing again. I was worried that you had quit the blog completely. Hope you're doing ok.

[Jae Young]

The moral of the story is sarcastic pricks need love too? And if you thought less, you'd prolly be less fun, or less fun to read is maybe what I mean. You'll figure it out, I suspect. You have your moments, MD.

And I BET you read Charlaine Harris. Come clean!!!!

[Jessica]

I think part of the reason I continue to stay married to my husband is because I'm terrified at the thought of being single at the age of 40.

[JJ Daddy's Baby Momma]

Dude, you're in the cat seat. Chicks your age have biological clocks ticking like Big Ben.

My maxim is that after a serious. even if short-term, investment in dating, you can usually separate the wheat from the chaff in about three questions.

I'll be in NYC in Feb - when my brother in law was on the hunt, I was his pointer. Let's go hunting!

[SciFi Dad]

Compatibility is in the eye of the beholder. It's whatever you think it is: someone who will read books beside you in bed, or someone who will encourage you to try things you're reluctant to try, or someone who has the same sex drive as you. Ultimately, you decide what makes one person "fit" and another not.

For the record, flossing in public? Not cool.

[olengjus]

Get on on a date where good food, wine + books involved, when during the date both of u have the same level of sarcasm and joke tolerance level, then she is ur match! =p

[Robert]

You're friend is right. You think too much. But that's what makes you both an interesting guy and an interesting read.

Don't get me wrong. It's good to think about all these things. Most people aren't self-aware enough to explore themselves introspectively.

It's just that sometimes too much thinking can be too much of a bad thing. But you sound like you've got it all figured out.

Good luck out there, MD!

[Katy]

We all have our guilty pleasures so be prepared for "the one" to have a few habits/likes that you can't relate to.

Also, how boring if she didn't?

My husband and I get along so much better when we have something new to bring to the table - a different experience, viewpoint, time away, etc.

Also I am officially calling BS on your goal to date within your age range, though it's a lovely goal. I think you should same-day-ship me a dozen everything bagels from H&H the first time you have a 5th date with someone more than 5 years younger than you. And if you marry someone within your age range (5 years) you get something fresh and fabulous shipped from anywhere in Atlanta (though I have no idea what that might be but I can recommend several items).

Good to have you back.

[Mark]

It's got nothing to do with your sarcasm or your wit. It's got to do with gender dynamics.

Dude, don't listen to your so called "friend" Sarah. These misandrists don't care what men want, all they care about is what THEY want. You see, a single man is a threat to feminist-infested American women because in their little minds, a single man = someone who is depriving some woman out there of a divorce settlement.

So this feminist-infested society tries to brainwash smart men like you into feeling guilty when you live YOUR life on YOUR terms. They can't handle it when you don't need them. So they guilt you & shame you into wasting your time, effort & (especially) money on them because --apparently-- "it's for your own good".

Why is a single woman hailed as "empowered" but a single man is labeled as a "loser" & made to feel guilty about being single?

Ignore sarah & her ilk. They do not care what YOU want. They only care about what THEY want you to do for them.....while making you believe they're doing it for you.

There's nothing wrong with you. Not in this country where more than 50% of marriages end up in divorce; majority of which are initiated by women. And screw that "dying alone" bit. You could be married for years and STILL made to feel alone by your condescending, nagging, patronizing wife. Those of you men who are in a relationship know what it feels like to be deliberately ignored & made to feel alone...apparently because of some "perceived" wrong that she THINKS that you did.

And what's more, she may turn your daughter against you. Western women, esp those that are looking for alimony, are very good at brainwashing children into making false sexual harassment charges AGAINST THEIR OWN FATHERS.

DON'T EVER feel that you're doing wrong when you live your life the way you do. And so what if you're 41? Asian men do not age the same way as others. They always look younger.

[katrina]

Welcome back, MD. As always, it's great reading your perspective on life. I'm a 25 year old single female but your writing always make me think. Always glad to see that you've got a new post up on the site.

[Mayday]

God drives a Plymouth. Bible is quite clear on the matter: "and God drove them out in his fury."

Sorry, everyone else was being so earnest.

[NG]

Personally, I think that it's not the differences that matter, but rather how you each approach and handle life. My husband and I couldn't be more different, but we both have a certain irreverent approach to life and a similar sense of what's important that has gotten us through some pretty darn bad times - ones that I'm confident would have split us up if we each hadn't been able to see things from the similar points of view. I could deal with a lot of different interests and hobbies in a significant other, but not someone who can't approach life with humor and laugh at himself.

[Deirdre]

"We get together with people because they're the same or because they're different, and in the end we break up with them for exactly the same reasons."

This hits home for me right now in more ways that you couldn't even imagine.

[JYN]

FWIW, still in love after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids. Same values, different personalities: he is even keeled, thank God, because I am neurotic. Similar but not identical tastes in entertainment and books. But mostly we have grown to love serving each other. That makes life very pleasant almost all the time...

[Pam]

Wow, Mark took the ball and fuckin' ran with it! Ouch! Anyway, someone told me once, "The grass always looks greener on the other side. What you can't see is all the shit fertilizing it." I'm married 10 years now and have not stepped into the shit yet. Thought about it plenty though! Glad to see you back!

[Jrock]

Glad to have you back MD! Been needing a fix and this came at the right time for me today. Great post. I have no advice for you, other than stay out of Westchester for the 40y.o. women, it's scary bro. so scary.

Good luck.

[Dan McCulley]

You and Nick have added a 3rd rule to my dating book "it was no good pretending any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party."

Awesome.

First rule is always you can never date anyone crazier than they are hot.

Second rule is Mental Compatibility has to be similar to physical compatibility... or as Ron White says "I want those boobies on that woman, but no matter what you do you can't fix stupid."

As a divorcee with a kiddo peanuts age, you are showing classic signs of not being ready for other people yet. I know I wasn't. I tried. I look back and I feel sorry for those women. Trust me. You'll get there. And no I don't know how. God only knows that I have.

And fuck yes, it's great when you do and the women just click and you are swimming in great people to talk to and spend days in bed with.

You are the king. Don't forget it. It's good to be the king.

btw... I'd like to pick up your discards if you need a wing man, I'll fly out. :)

Dan

[Glenn]

Glad to see you're posting again, I seem to be having the same crisis that you are having, but I'm 10 years younger than you. I still think I can do the same things, like sports I did when I was 21 but my body tells me differently. Some times it tells me very loudly.

http://yaletowndad.wordpress.com/

[H]

The reason that I enjoy coming here is because you're one of the few bloggers I read who I truly believe has completely removed ego out of your writing. It's refreshing. Everyone else seems to be creating this idealized perception of their online identities in order to get noticed. You truly don't seem to give a shit what people think about you (as affirmed by your friend Sarah.)

In fact you write so infrequently that I was pretty sure that you'd quit your blog.

The funny thing is that I think you're probably much cooler in real life than you portray here. I believe that you're confused about your dating life but I'm pretty sure you'll figure it out sooner or later.

Wishing you only the best of luck out there, MD.

[Mary Beatty]

Hi, been following your blog for nearly a year. From your recent post, I think, you are thinking way too much into it.

Don't stress. We cannot predict what will happen in the future as much as we like to plan for it.

Embrace your life and what is in your life now, be open to new things and you will live the life you want.

Just make sure you go out and socialise and love will come at the most unexpected times.

I wish this to every person on this earth. Health, Happiness, Love and Hope. It will be ok :)

[Megan]

Don't judge someone on what they read.

Feel free to judge them about what they thought about what they read, though.

[Spencer]

Happy New Year!

A quote read from Serge Gainsbourg, hopefully recited correctly :

"On les aimes pour ce qu'elles ne sont pas. Et on les quittes pour ce qu'elles sont."

"We love them for what they are not. We leave them for what they are"

Love and relationships are not easy.

[Adele]

I think you're hilarious and all of your above conversations would have mad me laugh my ass off. Find a British woman - sense of humour is obligatory for us. (How else can we cope with the state of dentistry in this country?)

[Liza]

Finally, a new post! I was starting to get worried about you. Thought maybe you were done with the blog. Hope you have a great year and hope you write more here. Best to you from HK.

[Rachel E.]

I say you're much more mature than the 40-year-old-never-been-married-has-no-kids-but-would-sure-like-some woman I saw on TV yesterday who put, "Doesn't drink from a straw" on her dream-man wish list.

[Sj]

For years, I thought I would marry someone like me. I am a southern-bred, college-educated, sarcastic mean girl, half-hippie, half-hipster.

I met a blue collar man, from the southside of Chicago, ten years older, a million times kinder.

Before we met, he had never eaten sushi, read Catcher in the Rye or listened to John Prine. Before we met, I had never appreciated the often poetic grace of baseball (White Sox, not Cubs), understood the heavy politics of pizza, or laughed every single day without fail. He didn't fit my picture at all, but he's the best match I could ever hope for.

He was 41 when we married. Our daughter was born this past July. My husband still doesn't like hip-hop and I can't stand fishing. If our movies not speaking to each other at a party had been a deal-breaker, what a life, what an adventure I'd have missed out on.

[karen mcconk]

Maybe someone else already said this, but flossing in public is NOT ok no matter what!

[Carolina]

I think the beauty of life is that we never know who we're going to end up with and be happy. For some, it's "birds of a feather." For others, it's "opposites attract."

[Joanna]

You dare to jump or you don't. Once you're in- your feet keep paddling like hell or you sink. Once you sink- you either like it down there or you get back up and do it again. How and why and when is different every god damn time.