CHAOS THEORY: August 2009

Firstly, thanks so much for the outpouring of love and support. I'm completely humbled and confess that your comments and e-mails moved me more than I ever expected. In retrospect, I probably should have put that post up months ago. The response from all of you was both heartwarming and cathartic.

Virtual hugs and fist bumps all around. Rock on.

Life is hectic these days so I'm not sure how much I'll be writing here for awhile. Between juggling custody arrangements, getting my ass kicked at work, plowing through 3 books per week, battling insomnia, having long-distance phone sessions with my therapist, writing a television pilot, trying to launch several new businesses, and contemplating the benefits of a semi-eremitic life, I find myself with very little free time. 

But as usual, I've got some random thoughts that I wanted to share with you.

I hope you're all having a great summer and thanks again for being so cool.

THE GRASS AIN'T ALWAYS GREENER

When the Peanut gets older and inevitably starts pointing out my shortcomings as a father, I'm going to sit her down and force her to watch the episode of Wife Swap featuring the Stockdale family (Season 4.) Here are some of the rules in their parenting manual:

"Our children are being raised away from violent language, sexual influences, drinking, smoking, drugs, rap music...all the things we left behind in the city. Instead, we are raising our children on a diet of wholesome activities and farm work; keeping their minds pure and their bodies healthy and keeping out any influences of modern society. That is why we home-school. I give my boys a large spoonful of cod-liver oil after dinner to keep their hearts and minds strong."

“We teach our boys that to succeed, you have to work. We raise chickens and process chickens, and what we don’t eat we sell. We all pitch in, and I can gut a chicken in under four minutes. The boys receive tokens for every chore they do and an extra token if they do it with a glad heart. They trade their tokens for privileges like listening to the radio or for a stick of gum."

Seriously? I don't know about processing chickens but if the Peanut learns to gut a fish in under four minutes and make fresh sushi for me every day, the kid's going to be trading in those tokens for a brand-new BMW by the time she's 11.

Especially if she does it with "a glad heart."

Man, rednecks are funny motherfuckers.

NON SEQUITUR ADULT ENTERTAINMENT IS FREE AND CHEAP

I used to laugh at the random non sequiturs that would come out of the Peanut's mouth when she was younger. However, a few months ago as part of an entertaining social experiment, a friend and I decided to start reciting several choice non sequiturs to complete strangers.

For example, at the local deli when the cashier asked, "Paper or plastic?" we'd reply, "Let the love flow, y'all." The looks and responses were so hilarious that we tried to recruit more people for our social experiment using the same catch phrase. Good, cheap, fun.

A few days ago, inspired by the Carrie Underwood song, I spontaneously began using a new phrase that seems to have a more interesting socio-anthropological effect. When my overtly religious dry cleaner bade me farewell by saying, "God be with you," I simply turned to him and replied "Jesus take the wheel, yo!"

Now I can't stop saying it to every stranger I meet and cracking myself up until I'm practically in tears.

Hard to believe I'm 40 years old, isn't it?

DANTE'S 10TH CIRCLE OF HELL: THE MEET & GREET

My worst nightmare has finally arrived.

In September, Peanut will be starting Kindergarten. New school. New teachers. New friends. It's an important milestone for her and we're all extremely excited. That's not the problem.

Recently, I received a mass e-mail from one of the parents in Peanut's kindergarten class inviting everyone for a picnic so we could all get to know one another before school started. It was a wonderfully kind gesture and will undoubtedly make the transition easier for everyone. In a way, I find it truly touching. That's not the problem either.

I'm the problem.

Despite the fact that I'm a genuinely affable guy, I hate being forced to meet new people. Idle chit chat bores the crap out of me and in all honesty, I suck at it. I don't care what you do, who you know, how much you make, or where you live. I'd rather know your favorite author, band, or vegetable. Just give me something so we can connect on a somewhat deeper level.

Because if you don't, I'm sorry but unfortunately I also suck at feigning interest. 

By the way, if you need me, I'll be the weird guy at the picnic in sunglasses standing off to the side eating potato salad and reading a book.

SOUND BITES: 2009'S BEST TV QUOTES ABOUT PARENTING

''A new study finds that trendy baby names lose their appeal after about 20 years. Which is bad news for my little brother, MC Hammer Fallon.''---Jimmy Fallon on Late Night

''Two thousand years from now, all of human life will be traced back to three families: the Madonnas, Octomoms, and Jolie-Pitts.''---Jimmy Kimmel on Jimmy Kimmel Live

''All right, Stewie, your dad's going to help you learn how to be a man. Real men have a couple of beers and then project their inadequacies on their kids. You ready?''---Peter on Family Guy

''I can promise you Ritchie does not have lice. He takes a 45-minute shower every day. I mean, if you told me he was going blind, that would make sense.''---Christine on The New Adventures of Old Christine

''Jenna Jameson gave birth to twins yesterday. She decided to name the boys after her first pet and the street she grew up on.''---Jimmy Fallon on Late Night

''Look at you and me and our biological clocks. You're going baby crazy, and I keep getting turned on by car accidents.''---Jenna to Liz, on 30 Rock

FIVE REASONS I AM THE MCGYVER OF PARENTING

(1) When I run out of club soda, I sometimes use Elmo Punch as a mixer for my vodka.

(2) I once made an emergency diaper out of three sanitary napkins and some duct tape.

(3) I mashed up Chef David Bouley's legendary Chatham Bay Codfish with my fingers so they looked like Chicken McNuggets.

(4) Too lazy to go to the den and grab the free weights, I sometimes use my daughter as a barbell to do curls, squats, and shoulder lifts.

(5) I once sent Peanut to school with toilet paper stuffed in her shoes because they were a little too big for her.

HER FIRST PAYCHECK

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
 
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the  empty lot.
 
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door, and spent much of each day observing the workers.
 
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her odd little jobs to do here and there to make her feel  important.
 
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to  start a savings account.
 
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the  little girl how she had come by her very own pay at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
 
"My goodness gracious," said the teller,  "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
 
The little girl replied, "Sure, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the mother-fucking sheetrock!"

RECENT TEXT MESSAGES FROM MY FRIENDS

My closest friends tend to share my off-beat sense of humor. I'm not sure if it's a birds-of-a-feather thing or I just like surrounding myself with people who "get" me. Either way, I like saving their text messages until my phone's memory can't hold them any longer. The following are all about to get purged so I thought I'd put them here for posterity:

"Some dumb blond pointed to my Cleveland Indians hat and said Ohio. I pointed to her rack and said Silicone Valley."

"Where are you tonight? I would like to buy you a vowel."

"I can smell the leather pants and Duran Duran from here."

"One girl salad and a beer won't kill me."

"What up, Foolio? It's not cool to correct people's grammar on text messages."

"Having dinner with my husband. We're both totally bored with each other and want to know if you can join us."

"I met a guy in an airport once who collected dried apple cores and named them after presidents."

"Your dog is a chick magnet, has a very strange foot fetish and likes slices of cucumber in his water. It figures."

"If Sotomayor gets in, does that mean if I want to be a firefighter, I need to get really really tan?"

"Donna wants to take the whole family to Whole Foods for Thanksgiving and make it BYOB."

"We need a gang sign and t-shirts. Or maybe a secret handshake and some polo shirts."

"They sell Metamucil popcorn at Whole Foods. Just shoot me."

"Meet me on the roof. I'm cooking the shit out of some short ribs and asparagus."

"Whole Foods put the fish next to the bath and soap products. Not a good aroma. Reminds me of a French girl I dated."

SAP & THE CITY: A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF "METRODAD"

The Peanut is at that wonderful stage where she sometimes likes to just sit quietly on my lap and ask me a lot of questions.

Occasionally I have answers for her. Why is the sky blue? How do planes stay up in the air? Where does cheese come from? Does strawberry milk come from pink cows?

I cherish these moments more than you could ever imagine.

But occasionally I don't have answers for her. Or maybe I just don't provide the kinds of answers that a 4-year-old girl can comprehend.

Daddy, what do you love to do the most?

I don't know, sweetie. I love to write, I say. I love losing myself for hours in a good book. I love introspectively contemplating the path my life has taken and exploring the journey within. I love hearing a great song over and over again until I'm completely immersed in it. I love lying in bed by myself on a cool summer night and listening to the Mets game on the radio. I love lying on the grass and staring up into the stars. I love the beauty of small things. I love embracing everything great this world has to offer and appreciating the very brief time that I'm on it. 

But most of all, sweetie. I love watching you grow up.

Whenever I say things like that to her, she looks at me with a furrowed little brow. These answers are insufficient and they only serve to confuse her.

But I don't understand, Daddy. What do you love more than anything else in the whole world? Little Einsteins? Chocolate chip cookies? Sand castles? Balloons? Fireworks? Kites? What do you love the most?

Those are the times that I take her into my arms, stare into her tiny eyes, and hug her with all my strength. 

No kiddo, I say. None of that.

More than anything else in this entire world, I love you. I love being with you. I love talking to you. I love showing you new things. I love seeing the world through your eyes. I love guiding you through the journey of life. But more than anything else, I simply love you.

Do you understand what I'm saying? 

Yes, Daddy. I love you too. Can I have a hug? 

Of course you can, sweetie.

Anytime.

Comments

[MetroDude]

We love you too, MD. Good to have some old fashioned "just deliver the fucking drywall" humor from you again. You make me laugh. Leather and Duran Duran ... Brilliant.

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

Try the non-sequiturs at the meet-n-greet. Triple dog dare you!

[Kylie]

Nice to have you back, MD. Despite your dark side and your weird sense of humor, your complete and total love for the Peanut always shines through brightly. She's lucky to have you.

[Richard]

I feel your pain, MD. I'm completely anti-social. I hate meeting new people. When my daughter started kindergarten, I found myself being forced to make chit chat with all the other parents. It was so painful that I wanted to take a Xanax for every afternoon pickup. I wish our kids went to the same school so I'd have someone with whom to commiserate. Bummer!

[Jomama]

Beautiful, Man.

[Isabelle]

My husband and I have recently decided to get divorced. There were many reasons. I won't get into them here. The biggest one may have been that he was unable to communicate or express any love for our children. You did it in a few paragraphs for your daughter. I think I made the right decision. That was beautiful.

[JDG]

I fucking love you, man.

[eunice t.]

The peanut really is blessed to be loved so much. I'm glad she's adjusting well. I wish my parents were as comfortable as you are in expressing thier love for me verbally.

[Kara]

I wish my father had been half the man that you are, MD. I think it would have made a difference. Your daughter is a lucky girl and I'm sure someday she'll realize just how lucky she is. You're a rare breed of guy. Hope you're doing ok.

[a fan]

the process of ending a marriage with kids is its own kind of hell. mine was finalized a year ago. things are better now. my 6 yr old girl is still thriving. hope you are ok. who ever knows what is coming or what is right. we just do our best. thanks for writing down your thoughts in a blog.

[Estelle]

You make me laugh until you make me cry, MD. I don't know what's going on in your personal life but you're an amazing father. The Peanut will be just fine.

[Stefania/CityMama]

Thanks for ruining Whole Foods for me forever. And French girls, for that matter.

[thisislarry]

wait, you can tell strangers in line "Jesus take the wheel" but you can't ask a fellow dad what his favorite vegetable is? Maybe just treat the whole kinder parent meet and greet as a chance to try out a whole suitcase full of non sequitors!

[MT]

Great post MD.

[WP]

Hate to inform you, MD, but being forced to meet and interact with other parents solely because of your children? Sucks more than you can even possibly imagine! Good luck.

[Jason G.]

Welcome back, MD.

[Jrock]

BOOOOOMMMM! Excellent Chaos Theory post and plenty to sustain us for a bit, hope you're not gone for too long though. Peace and Humptiness forever!

[ang]

FUNNY as hell and eye-glistening touching all in the same post. Love it. Love you.

We know you're busy, but we're selfish and we want you to continue to post. :) Otherwise I'll have to have Lagavulin delivered to your door and see if it disappears to know if you're still alive and well. :)

[Jason]

Dude, I feel your pain! The kindergarten mixer is never fun. I know nothing about you and you won't tell me a damn thing aside for where you work?

My wife wonders why I bring my iPod.

The freakin parents I deal with anymore are so one-dimensional it makes me wonder if they have a central nervous system, or if I should be looking for the pods.

Best of luck, man, take care of your head first. We'll wait for ya!

[teufelkindsvater]

Ha! I've got the PRESCHOOL meet & greet coming up... preschool! WTF!
It's a good private preschool and I'm already dreading the 'pretend-riche' parents who feel the need to get fully kitted up to drop their kids off.

There's a good reason why I wear a t-shirt and shorts/jeans... I had to wear a suit for 10 years straight, and will probably have to again when the little devil starts school full time.
I'm going to enjoy the hell out of my 'casual time' while I can, and no sour faced, stuck-up, 'fancy mom' is going to change THAT.

[Kristin]

Sometimes I read your posts and get sad for a father I never had. Don't get me wrong. My dad was always around. He was just a shitty dad. I was his daughter and he never ever told me he loved me. The Peanut is lucky to have you.

[Celeste]

OMG, kindergarten. As a parent, it's like fucking being enlisted. The school calendar runs your life. Daycare or preschool, they pretty much worked for you. It's the other way around with real school. They'll tell you how it's gonna go down. The picnic mixer is too long. All you really need is an open house at school so your kid can see the new place to know it has a toilet. Five year olds keep it real, man.

[Paige Jennifer]

Whenever you share your expiring text messages, I have to put down my drink to avoid snarfing. Always brilliant.

And the last part? For a moment, you made me think I just might want to procreate. Then I remembered that time at work (Banana Republic) when a little kid lifted her skirt, dropped her panties and peed all over the place. The mother, of course, was too busy checking out handbags to notice. I found my manager and said, "Hey, can I take my break? Do you want a lemonade from Auntie Anne's? Oh, and some kid just pissed on the area rug by the shoes but I don't get paid enough to give a shit. See you in fifteen!"

[Kevin Mack]

August---that time of year where we learn where Brett Favre is going to play next year and when my therapist always takes a month off for vacation. Laugh at the former, cry at the latter.

[RookieMom Heather]

Rather than going to the meet and greet, can you send your URL to Peanut's class thereby avoiding all idle chit chat and inviting them into your deep dark secrets?

[GinaD]

I always wish you would write here MORE and now you tell us that you might be taking a little break? One of my favorite things is coming into work in the morning and seeing that you've written a new post. Don't stay away too long. Please!

[Finn]

"Despite the fact that I'm a genuinely affable guy, I hate being forced to meet new people. Idle chit chat bores the crap out of me and in all honesty, I suck at it. I don't care what you do, who you know, how much you make, or where you live. I'd rather know your favorite author, band, or vegetable. Just give me something so we can connect on a somewhat deeper level.

Because if you don't, I'm sorry but unfortunately I also suck at feigning interest."

This is me all over. Except that I'm a woman.

I've now officially delurked. Let the idle chit chat begin.

[Isabel]

I feel your pain, MD. I hate dealing with the parents at my daughter's school. I'm perfectly willing to make chit chat with them but it's so painful and the whole time I'm just waiting for a tiny opening so I can bolt out of there. The worst part is that I have a terrible memory for names so I'm always greeting the parents by saying "Hey...you!"

It started in kindergarten. I hate to tell you but it only gets worse. Good luck!

[Gayle K.]

Reading the previous post and then this one, just brings tears to my eyes. You rock MD. Peanut is one lucky little girl to have two great parents, even if one is slightly off his rocker some days. Good luck with everything. Keep those hilarious Peanut stories coming.

[Kim F.]

Your list of expiring text messages makes me feel like I need to find funnier friends at times. =) Best of luck to you in all your various ventures. It sure sounds like you have enough work cut out for a whole team of people rather than just one person!

P.S. - That old t.v. series about an extremely resourceful secret agent is spelled "MacGyver".

[Nikki]

My sister married into a family like the Stockdales and has been fully indoctrinated. It's insane. We grew up in the nice suburbs of Chicago and feel like she's joined a cult. Every time we see her, we're like "who the fuck are you and what have you done with our sister?" Damn rednecks.

[kady]

Loo is starting kindergarten in NYC in a month too. Thems shit's the shizzle, yo.

[Katie]

I once made a diaper out of some paper towels, a chamois cloth and a freezer bag. Why didn't I think of a maxi pad?!?

[Mary Grace]

I love this post. I almost cried by the end. My father would never explicitly say that he loves his daughters but I don't need to ask. I already know.

[Sara P.]

Every time I sat on my father's lap and asked him endless questions, he'd shove me off and say "go ask your mother." And the bastard wonders why we're not that close now.

The Peanut is lucky to have you as her father.

[landismom]

Go the mixer, MD. You will find that one other person in the crowd who is hanging back, not really wanting to talk to anyone else. You'll ask them the questions that YOU are interested in, not the socially normative ones that are boring. You'll make snarky comments about all the other people. You'll become friends.

Then, about six months later, she'll finally tell you the truth about her life--she's a lesbian stripper.

Trust me, I speak from personal experience--and I don't even live in NYC.

[KarenheartsMegan]

I'm a new mom to a 3 month-old girl and the conversation you had with your daughter, brought tears to my eyes.

[Half Cleveland Dad]

A friend was telling me about a "promise oath" that one of her daughter's friends was taking: apparently some pseudoreligous ceremony in which the 16-year old girl swore not to have sex, drink, or do drugs until she was older. Friend suggested it would be "interesting" to see what I would do if my daughter had the same idea (in 14 years). I said I'd try to rescue her from the cult.

The meet and greet, though: new school, new teachers, new friends, new marital status, new hot moms....

Good luck in all things. You've been my daddybloggin' polestar.

[P2H]

That Jimmy Fallon is a funny guy. So are your friends' text messages. Wait, their text messages aren't funny guys. I mean that your friends' texts are funny.

[jr]

No better place to practice non-sequiturs than on fellow kindergarten parents, that will throw 'em for a loop.

Good luck with the single dad thing, I am four months+ in the same boat on the wrong coast with a 4 y.o.

I have Walden and a Disraeli biography on the nightstand this week. Read anything new worth recommending?

[Aimee]

I wanted to make a comment to your previous post, but 1. there were so many and 2. I wasn't sure if you'd read them all. You did and you rock! I'm so sorry to read about your divorce. Your family will be in my thoughts and I'm sending you good, hopeful vibes.

I'm right there with you on the Kindergarten thing. Even if your child is in daycare, sending them to school is like sending them into the lion's den. You're just sending your child into the big, bad world and you can't protect her from anything. It's awful!

AWESOME that you and Peanut get to share those moments. We're having some here, too. Enjoy them while we can, because before we know it, our daughters will be asking for the car keys!

[amyB]

MD: I'm just now starting to read through your archives, and you are fucking hilarious. It's especially fun when I read in the beginning about what you think or wonder what Peanut will be like... it's just great. You are an excellent writer! What ever happened to the sitcom deal? PUHLEASE. All American Girl didn't satiate my Korean/American role model need on TV.

[TJ]

1. I'll be the only Mom at that kindergarten meet & greet with the flask, reading the news on her blackberry.

2. Your saved texts put mine to shame. I pissed myself laughing.

3. Your heartwarming story of the 5 year old and construction crew? THAT WAS ME.

4. Daughters are lovely. That hug will always be needed - except when we're between the ages of 13 and 17 and want you to disappear.

[SciFi Dad]

After what feels like years of conditioning, we have that last part down to a science.

"Daddy, cheesecake is my favourite. I love it."

"I like it too."

"What do you love?"

"Who do I love?"

"Me."

(Yeah, it's sappy as shit. Sue me.)

[Steve B.]

I couldn't read anything past the cod liver oil. Brought back too many painful memories. My grandma used to make me take that stuff and I swear it was like poison.

[Tamblina D]

I am so using "Jesus take the wheel, yo!" the next time anyone says anything about God or Jesus to me.
I live in TX right now...I would agree with you: rednecks are funny motherfuckers. Enough said.

[JYN]

Is there a purer form of joy than hipster self-congratulation?

[Charles]

Hilarious and lovely post, MD.

[echar]

MD, hope you keep posting. I've learned a lot from reading your dark thoughts which will be used in my quest for world domination, or next time someone pisses me off. Best wishes as you navigate your new life.

[ShotgunDaddy]

1. Just last night one of our neighbors hosted a meet and greet barbecue in honor of National Night Out (I'm not sure if this is real or made up). As I walked up to the group of thirty strangers, I finally understood what's meant by the phrase "Dead Man Walking."

2. "If those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the mother-fucking sheet rock!" I've got nothing after that.