Burying The Lede

This post is long overdue.

The only reason that I've put off writing it for so long is because I remain unsure as to what extent of my personal life I want to reveal online. The internet's ability to allow us to bare ourselves to so many people is uncharted territory and I'll be the first to admit that it kind of scares the crap out of me.

Let's face it. Whether consciously or not, the persona that we project online is merely how we choose to present ourselves to the world. Whether you write a blog or maintain a Facebook page, everyone is undeniably conscious and guilty of a certain level of character manipulation. We all want to structure the perception of ourselves in a way so that it reflects favorably upon us.

I once read an interview with David Foster Wallace where he said that the interesting part about this is that none of it is new. This manipulation of persona "was the project of the Sophists in Athens, and this is what Socrates and Plato thought was so completely evil. The Sophists had this idea: Forget this idea of what's true or not—what you want to do is rhetoric; you want to be able to persuade the audience and have the audience think you're smart and cool. And Socrates and Plato, basically their whole idea is, "That's fucking bullshit. There is such a thing as truth, and it's not all just how to say what you say so that you get a good job or get laid, or whatever it is people think they want.""

Amen, brother.

I'm not going to delve into how closely my online "persona" is aligned with my "real-life" personality. That's an abject lesson in futility that serves no real purpose. However, as I read through my archives to get a better understanding of that persona, I realize that there's one important aspect of my personality that rarely surfaces in my writing; I am a deeply private person.

Additionally, the fact that this blog has a small modicum of popularity isn't really helping matters much. Schadenfreude is trading at near-record levels these days. We don't root for people's success as much as we quietly revel in their failure.

And look, I think it's pretty obvious to everyone that I don't write here because I want to be popular and never in a million years would I ever want to be famous.

Why? 

Primarily because it would fucking kill me to visit the dentist, see a photo of myself on the cover of some magazine, and realize that some douchebag has drawn a dick and balls on my chin. 

All joking aside, what I'm trying to say is that I don't write here hoping for a slice of admiration pie. In fact, I often struggle whether to even maintain this site because, due to factors beyond my control, my goal of retaining anonymity vanished long ago.

In the beginning, my primary motives for starting this site were simply twofold. One, I wanted a place to chronicle my journey into fatherhood. Two, I just wanted a creative outlet to practice my writing.

The one thing I never predicted was how much this site would impact my life personally. The social compact of the community is far greater than I imagined. I've become invested in your lives and you've become invested in mine. More than anything, I'll never regret starting this site because of the close friendships it's given to me. 

That's why I feel compelled to tell all of you that BossLady and I are divorcing. This is nowhere near a recent development. We spent many hard and painful months in marriage counseling before making the final decision. Needless to say, it wasn't easy.

I've said many times on this site that a good relationship is like a duck. Everything may look smooth on the surface but underneath you've got to paddle like hell. This should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever been in a serious long-term relationship. As everyone knows, good relationships take work. 

We simply couldn't make ours work.

I won't go into the details of why our marriage didn't work. Out of my deep and sincere respect for the BossLady, that part of it remains private but like life itself, every relationship is complicated. Besides, to put the reasons for our failed relationship into words would require a writing talent that I simply do not possess.

But let's face it. Conversations about past relationships are rarely about what actually happened. They're mostly about what we think has happened.

Thankfully, the divorce has been extremely amicable and we remain close friends. Most importantly, the Peanut has adjusted to her new situation amazingly well, proving once again how resilient kids can be. It helps tremendously that BossLady and I share extremely similar views on parenting. We're also both extremely alike in the extent of the personal sacrifices we're willing to make for our daughter. The most important thing is that the Peanut knows that she will continue to remain the most important individual in each of our lives.

As for me? I'm fine. The decision to get divorced seems like it happened ages ago and I haven't looked back since. I'm a firm believer that every exit is an entrance somewhere else. Besides, good friends, good booze and good therapists should never be undervalued. Divorce has not destroyed the romantic in me nor has it ruined my optimistic belief in love. While I regret that our marriage failed, I wish BossLady only the best and I sincerely hope that she finds true happiness with someone else. In all honesty, I know that she hopes the same for me too. We have the utmost respect for one another and I hope that you will as well.

Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go.

Comments

[MG]

I can't imagine anyone else putting this in such an eloquently beautiful way. It only confirms why I think your site is the essence of what personal blogging is about.

[HH]

first time commenter too - wishing you, BL and peanut the best!

[Rachel]

What I'm feeling is the opposite of schadenfreude. I wish all three of you the best. Sending you a virtual bottle of soju.

[AR]

First-time commenter, long-time fan. So sorry to hear about your situation. Wishing you, the Peanut and BossLady the best.

[Gina]

This is a beautiful post for so many reasons, MD. Your honesty, truthfulness, and openness are really remarkable. I only wish more men were like you. I'm glad that the divorce is so amicable. It only confirms that the Peanut has great parents and everything will turn out ok.

[kr]

Delurking for the first time to let you know that you, BL and the Peanut are in my thoughts... Thank you for sharing this post with us. Your optimistic attitude is an excellent reminder for all of us to lead our own lives in the same way.

Sending much love and happiness your way, MD.

[miapan]

I discovered your blog about 48 hours ago - and read it through at one go. It made me think what a lucky man you must be to have an ideal family like this. Now I read this post and can't help but wonder if I am a jinx! I'm sorry to hear about the Boss Lady and you. In certain parts of the world there is a belief that a child chooses it's parents - if that is gotta be true, then both of you are incredibly lucky to have Peanut. Also whether we know it or not, the universe is unfolding just the way it should and letting go and moving on will only make us stronger individuals. Take care and a big hug to little Peanut.

[Andrea]

From the bottom of this stranger's heart:

Thank you for this and all your posts.

- all the best to you, BL and the Peanut.

[The Leftover Foodie]

People will always eventually fail, but there's always pork...

I'm too lazy to read all the comments, but I'm sure that they all say pretty much the same thing...

You owe me about 30 pork dinners as of last count, so let's do something about that...

(and if I have to be "serious" I'm sorry you've had to go through this, but I know you're happier on the other side of it, and hope she is/will be too...)

[Stefania/CityMama]

Wishing you peace, clarity, and happiness. All of you. If you need anything, you know where to find me. xo

[Pallavi]

Ouch! That's the last thing I expected to read on your blog. Especially because you described the "paddling like hell" part so aptly.
I don't know what to say. Just hoping that each one of you grow stronger as people and find your happiness and peace now and in the future.

[tj]

Best of luck to you and the peanut :)

[Captain Dumbass]

Sorry to hear about that, MD, but glad you could part on good terms and keep things stable for Peanut.

[Chris]

Maybe it's the age I'm at (mid 30s) because 1/3 of our friends are getting married or having babies, the other 1/3 are spilting up and the other 1/3 have realised they were grow old without meeting their soul mates. Maybe I have odd friend., We pray for you and your family, for strength and peace to be the best parents in this difficult but all too common situation and I'm sure peanut will grow up and become a well adjusted, well mannered, strong woman because you both will do all in your power to give her the best in life.

[Ten Feet]

I was going to say that I was sorry to hear about this, but, to be honest, I think that when good, honest, thoughtful people make such an ending for themselves, it deserves as much respect (though it involves less joy) as when they decide to embark on beginnings. I am sorry, though, for the inevitable pain it must have caused you and BL to come to this decision and make it happen. I don't know any of the details of your lives, but I can only imagine from what I've learned of you here that the letting go, like the holding on, was done well. The telling of it was certainly a class act. Thanks for the honesty and for letting us in on a very private matter. I wish you and BL the best, and The Peanut, too, though I doubt she needs our good wishes when she has parents like you.

[Jae Young]

Good luck on this next stage of life. Quickly purusing blogs on my holiday. Yes, I may be in Spain, but this girl is sick of getting slack for her Spanish accent. Dude, from NY, not going to speak Spanish like you crazy continentials and proud of it! There seemed to be a change but you know, you want to share, you post it. That´s how I see it. Also happy to know that the Peanut is adjusting well, totes the most important thing of all.

[Larissa]

Despite the sad news, this was beautifully and wonderfully written. I'm always surprised that you don't write for a living. You have a wonderful way with words and for expressing your feelings. I wish you and your family only the best.

[jamie e.]

How sad. How beautiful. How brave. How sincere.

I don't care about the difference between one's online or real life persona. I don't think it's as different as you may think. The nature of who YOU are as a person shines through with every single post.

You're a good man, MD. Hang in there.

[Helena]

For many reasons, this post made me cry. You are a truly classy guy, MD. In this day and age, it's a rare breed of man who can write a post like this. I wish you and your family all the best. Reading this, I'm sure you'll all be fine.

[Jason]

Wow. That is a hard blow, man. At least you can say you had an amicable split, that's a great thing for everyone, you, BL and Peanut. Good to hear she's adjusted well, but as resilient as she is, she won't be the same ever again, just like the marriage isn't the same now that it's over.

Good friends, good booze, good therapy...all good things that seem in short supply over here. Glad you have found ways to cope. While I'm not divorced, it feels like it, things have been so horribly bad that it feels like we are but we haven't. It's bad when finances and life drive a wedge between the two beings involved.

I'm not even sure of the tone of my own post, is that bad? But I guess what I'm trying to say is, you've had things go well for the last some odd years, and while it's not easy to have something like this happen, at least you have lots and lots of great times to appreciate.

While I'm at it, I'd just like to say f*** Jon and Kate...this is real news! I've always thought your family should have had a show, yours would have been hilarious.

[wn]

As a longtime reader I had a feeling something was UP....or down, as it were. This post has hit a little too close to home for me....something I also have not blogged about. Life is strange when you have a blog....I struggle all the time with what boundaries I am willing (or not willing) to cross. So far I've erred on the side of caution in my writing.

You probably don't want any of our "sorries" so I won't offer any...but I will tell you to not hesitate to break out the good scotch, be kind to yourself and take good care. If you ARE indeed anything like your online personae, you are one interesting and intelligent guy!

I love this sentence the most out of the whole post. "Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go."

[Uma]

I'm so sorry to hear this but wish both you and the BossLady peace.

[Michelle]

I'm so very sorry. I wish you all the best.

[Kira]

Your grace and eloquence never cease to amaze me.

[Steph]

Sorry to hear this, but wishing both you and Boss Lady future happiness. Sometimes things just can't be fixed, and that's okay. Sounds like you guys are very committed to helping Peanut through it.

[Nikki]

With parents like you and BL, I'm sure that the Peanut will be fine. As the child of divorced parents, I think I came out relatively unscathed. The reason for that is because my parents always treated each other with kindness and respect. It was easier for me to see them apart and happy than together and miserable. My friends whose parents had terrible and antagonistic divorces have emotional scars that still last to this day. Kudos to both of you.

[Sizwe_X]

Best wishes to you, MD.

[Amy Sue Nathan]

With the greatest respect for the differences inherent to individual lives and loves and losses, I feel comfortable saying 'been there done that' and that the oxymoronic 'good divorce' is a success unto itself.

[ang]

My heart goes out to all of you. Having been through a divorce (but I shall not pretend to know what you are going through) I just know that there's a lot that you do to retain your dignity and then the moments where you just need to grieve. I love the line you wrote about " Conversations about past relationships are rarely about what actually happened. They're mostly about what we think has happened." and about letting go.

I'm intensely sad, but only because a dream that once was, is no more. Ultimately you all will be fine (as you know) and just because the marriage didn't work out - I admire both of your commitments to being AWESOME parents.

Much love and hugs and support for you, BL and of course the Peanut.

And please (selfishly motivated) never stop posting. We'll see you through this - in whatever way you need us. We need you too!

[chiquita]

I am sorry to hear this. I do think it is possible to have a "good divorce" if all parties are up front with each other. I am glad to hear the Peanut is doing ok. Knowing that her mom and dad love her and it's not her fault can go a long way. Wishing you all the best. (and hope you're not too weirded out by all the well wishes from strangers.)

[Pattie]

I'm so sorry to read this, although you wrote about a difficult, private issue as eloquently as possible. Best of luck to you, BossLady and the Peanut.

[jg]

Allow me to join the chorus of well-wishers, sympathizers, and supporters. All our best to you.

Lucky stars above you,
Sunshine on your way,
Many friends to love you,
Joy in work and play-
Laughter to outweigh each care,
In your heart, a song-
And gladness waiting everywhere
All your whole life long.

[NotAMeanGirl]

I so totally understand. We share the same shoes Dude! I wish you both luck and happiness. (And aren't kids AMAZING with their ability to adjust to this stuff? I wish WE were as good at it!)

[Julie Kang]

This may or may not sound totally strange and creepy, but when I first read this last night while my husband and the kids were playing, I gasped aloud and made him stop to read this. We were struck dumb. If someone as life-loving, funny, and sensitive as you couldn't make it work with a partner you obviously admire, what hope is there for the rest of us schlubs?

I will be quick to note that we're not judging you guys in any way; I know you guys would have tried everything, but even if your belief in love is not shaken, mine is a little bit.

MD--big, big hugs to you, BL, and the Peanut, and hope you will continue to chronicle your adventures and illuminate us on how to take life's lumps with grace and pizazz. Sending hella love from CA!

[margalit]

I'll see that Wow and double it. I'm proud of you for putting Peanut first, for an amicable divorce, and for remaining private about everything in your life until you were ready to share. I have such admiration for you, your writing, and the way you conduct your life. You're a wonderful and very special man with a very special and delightfully silly daughter, and I have great faith that you'll work all this out with grace and humility. For Peanut. As a divorcee, I'm sorry you have had to tread these waters. They can be incredibly painful. But you do survive.

[Martina]

I'm speechless, MD. I'm usually so happy when I see that you've written a new post. Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and your family. This was beautiful.

[Katherine]

Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I'm a 41 y.o. single woman who is starting to think that I've missed my chance at having a family. Nothing makes me sadder. In some weird way, I've relished in reading about your clear love of being a father. Call it vicarious enjoyment.

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce but it sounds like you've moved on with your life. Congrats on that and best to you, BL, and the adorable Peanut.

[SciFi Dad]

It always saddens me when someone announces their divorce, but I have to admit yours hit me harder because I am constantly borrowing (usually with credit) your duck analogy. Even though you say everything is OK and amicable, I'm still sorry.

First LoD, now you... is there something in the water in NYC?

[Leanne Koh]

I've been the child. I have a lot of friends who were children of divorced parents. In our situations it seemed to go well. It was the friends that had their parents divorce when they were older that really took a toll on them. Even though they knew their parents didn't get along or even slept in the same bed, they still took it hard and held resentment. Better to let go then hold on, as you said. Good luck with everything, and from what you've said already I'm sure Peanut will be great.

[William]

Best of luck to you MD. I am glad to see you wish the best for Bosslady too. Because no matter what happened in your relationship as husband and wife, she will always be the mother of your child and you will always be the father.

You give off positive vibes. I like that.

[Henry]

As a divorced dad myself, let me just say that you're on the right path. Make sure that you and BL stay friendly and the Peanut will be just fine. My kids grew up understanding that our divorce had nothing to do with them. That made all the difference in the world.

[jen]

MD, believe me when I say there's absolutely zero schaudenfreude here. I used to write a blog but stopped b/c I couldn't bring myself to share that much of my personal life with "strangers," yet you do that in such a real, honest, warm way. Thanks for sharing that with us and know that this community of strangers is supporting you and your family all the way.

[Mario]

As a long time reader (and few times commenter) I appreciate your honesty and I believe it was the best thing to do...

I understand your concerns about the privacy of your life, but there are some news that have to be shared. I hope you will continue writing after this event, because I don't believe your parenting skills will diminish after the divorce.

Most important of all, I wish you all three the best outcome of this decision.

Greetings from Mexico.

[Venti Vixen]

"Primarily because it would fucking kill me to visit the dentist, see a photo of myself on the cover of some magazine, and realize that some douchebag has drawn a dick and balls on my chin."

Bwahahahahahhahahaha, hilarious!

[Tom]

Sometimes you feel you can't work it out and a divorce is necessary, but you can forget your illusion that your daughter will be fine. Divorce screws kids up, period.

[Nancy]

I disagree with Tom. My parents divorced when I was right around the Peanut's age and I don't feel screwed up at all. I've had healthy relationships my entire life and I'm in a wonderful marriage now. The key is having two parents remain amicable, treat each other well, and ensure that their child has a loving, caring home. My brother and I are living proof of that.

[Holmes]

Best of luck to you, my man. And to the BossLady and Peanut as well.

[Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass)]

I have been trying to find ways to write about the most private part of my life -- which I once thought was bringing another human being into the world and I now know was leaving and divorcing his father -- for several years now. I realized, similarly, that despite what I thought was me being an open book online was really me holding on to little, precious pieces and me being deeply private. So this stuff, I get.

And I am grateful you've put it out there, out here in the way that you do -- wise, clever, funny, poignant.

Eyes ahead.

[sevin]

You are my favorite online writer. Your wit, your turn of phrase and your love for your family have impressed me many many times. These are sad news indeed, very sad, but I wish you and everyone involved smooth sailing, much happiness and love.

[Lilly]

I wish you and BossLady the best, and most importantly, I hope Peanut realizes how much she is loved. In a situation like this, I don't think there is much else to say.