Burying The Lede

This post is long overdue.

The only reason that I've put off writing it for so long is because I remain unsure as to what extent of my personal life I want to reveal online. The internet's ability to allow us to bare ourselves to so many people is uncharted territory and I'll be the first to admit that it kind of scares the crap out of me.

Let's face it. Whether consciously or not, the persona that we project online is merely how we choose to present ourselves to the world. Whether you write a blog or maintain a Facebook page, everyone is undeniably conscious and guilty of a certain level of character manipulation. We all want to structure the perception of ourselves in a way so that it reflects favorably upon us.

I once read an interview with David Foster Wallace where he said that the interesting part about this is that none of it is new. This manipulation of persona "was the project of the Sophists in Athens, and this is what Socrates and Plato thought was so completely evil. The Sophists had this idea: Forget this idea of what's true or not—what you want to do is rhetoric; you want to be able to persuade the audience and have the audience think you're smart and cool. And Socrates and Plato, basically their whole idea is, "That's fucking bullshit. There is such a thing as truth, and it's not all just how to say what you say so that you get a good job or get laid, or whatever it is people think they want.""

Amen, brother.

I'm not going to delve into how closely my online "persona" is aligned with my "real-life" personality. That's an abject lesson in futility that serves no real purpose. However, as I read through my archives to get a better understanding of that persona, I realize that there's one important aspect of my personality that rarely surfaces in my writing; I am a deeply private person.

Additionally, the fact that this blog has a small modicum of popularity isn't really helping matters much. Schadenfreude is trading at near-record levels these days. We don't root for people's success as much as we quietly revel in their failure.

And look, I think it's pretty obvious to everyone that I don't write here because I want to be popular and never in a million years would I ever want to be famous.

Why? 

Primarily because it would fucking kill me to visit the dentist, see a photo of myself on the cover of some magazine, and realize that some douchebag has drawn a dick and balls on my chin. 

All joking aside, what I'm trying to say is that I don't write here hoping for a slice of admiration pie. In fact, I often struggle whether to even maintain this site because, due to factors beyond my control, my goal of retaining anonymity vanished long ago.

In the beginning, my primary motives for starting this site were simply twofold. One, I wanted a place to chronicle my journey into fatherhood. Two, I just wanted a creative outlet to practice my writing.

The one thing I never predicted was how much this site would impact my life personally. The social compact of the community is far greater than I imagined. I've become invested in your lives and you've become invested in mine. More than anything, I'll never regret starting this site because of the close friendships it's given to me. 

That's why I feel compelled to tell all of you that BossLady and I are divorcing. This is nowhere near a recent development. We spent many hard and painful months in marriage counseling before making the final decision. Needless to say, it wasn't easy.

I've said many times on this site that a good relationship is like a duck. Everything may look smooth on the surface but underneath you've got to paddle like hell. This should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever been in a serious long-term relationship. As everyone knows, good relationships take work. 

We simply couldn't make ours work.

I won't go into the details of why our marriage didn't work. Out of my deep and sincere respect for the BossLady, that part of it remains private but like life itself, every relationship is complicated. Besides, to put the reasons for our failed relationship into words would require a writing talent that I simply do not possess.

But let's face it. Conversations about past relationships are rarely about what actually happened. They're mostly about what we think has happened.

Thankfully, the divorce has been extremely amicable and we remain close friends. Most importantly, the Peanut has adjusted to her new situation amazingly well, proving once again how resilient kids can be. It helps tremendously that BossLady and I share extremely similar views on parenting. We're also both extremely alike in the extent of the personal sacrifices we're willing to make for our daughter. The most important thing is that the Peanut knows that she will continue to remain the most important individual in each of our lives.

As for me? I'm fine. The decision to get divorced seems like it happened ages ago and I haven't looked back since. I'm a firm believer that every exit is an entrance somewhere else. Besides, good friends, good booze and good therapists should never be undervalued. Divorce has not destroyed the romantic in me nor has it ruined my optimistic belief in love. While I regret that our marriage failed, I wish BossLady only the best and I sincerely hope that she finds true happiness with someone else. In all honesty, I know that she hopes the same for me too. We have the utmost respect for one another and I hope that you will as well.

Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go.

Comments

[Soccer Dad]

I guess it would be greedy of me to want a happy ending. Life happens. Thanks for that eloquent post and best to all three of you.

[Jamie]

Wow, my husband are in the process of trying to decide if we should separate - and as much as I want my marriage to work reading your post made me see that you can try and try and sometimes it just isn't the right fit anymore. There can still love, respect and it can be done with out too much drama or chaos. Thank you for sharing something so private - it helped me a lot.

[Chelle]

I'm so sorry to hear your news, but thank you as always for your honesty. I know Peanut will do well. From my own experience I think children do far better with two "happy" divorced parents than two married ones who hate living together.

I wish you all well and peace.

[Jackie Divorcee]

I am touched by how much respect that you still have for BossLady. Don't take that for granted. Like it or not, you'll both be co-parenting the Peanut her whole life and contact with one another will unavoidable. I hate seeing a child stuck in the middle between two sparring parents who (let's be honest) are really dealing with their own issues and not clearly thinking about what's best for their child. It must be hard. But it's always going to be like that.

[Alice]

MD, this was a beautifully written, utterly graceful public goodbye to your marriage. As the kid of two people who have been far better parents divorced than they were together, not to mention far happier *people*, I can see how much you've worked to make things good for the Peanut in all of this. My best to all of you.

[samantha jo campen]

Wow that took me by surprise. I'm so sorry MD. Stay strong and best wishes to the three of you.

HUGS

SJ

[Tris]

My wife and I stayed in our marriage far longer than we should have. Neither one of us was happy and we were just too scared to admit it out loud. We spent two years in marriage counseling before we made the decision to part ways. The counseling helped make our divorce amicable and we still consider each other friends. Not like we were before but that's ok. She may not be a part of my future but she'll always have been a part of my past.

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." said by Andy Warhol

[alamodestuff]

I wasn't expecting that as I began reading this post. I am very sorry. I'm sure that it has been tough for all of you.

It sounds like you and BL are handling it well. I hope that you both continue to make the new relationship work. Best of luck.

[R2 Dad]

It's very admirable that you and BL are being congenial, and addressing the dissolution in an adult manner--props to the both of you. But this news makes me angry. And sad. You dropped a rock in my gut, and I don't even know you. I have been a huge, and free, beneficiary of your excellent writing for years. It's time for you to cash in. I, very selfishly, would love for you to continue writing this blog. But you actually have a pretty good fan base and should publish an MD compendium, MD and Peanut kids book, etc. Get a book deal, dude. Only the MD can make me spew my coffee reading about the latest Peanut adventure. I would love nothing more than to hear you've made serious bank after kicking Ms. ex-BL to the curb.

[tys]

iam really sorry man...fuck...dont know wht to say...this is the kind of time, i wud have taken u out for a drink and not talk...take care...

[croutonboy]

I just want to let you know that as much as I support you in all your decisions and future adventures, I'm still going to draw a dick and balls on your face.

[Melissa B.]

I hated hearing this news but I loved reading this post. Your writing and your sentiments are equally elegant, poignant, and thought-provoking. I also thought your post on solitude was beautiful. In the context of this one, that one makes more sense. Stay strong, MD.

[BanterMom]

I have read your blog for quite some time and never posted a comment. It takes more courage to end a relationships than it does to keep the status quo. I wish you and your family the best.

[Xibee]

Crap! I was hoping against hope that you two wouldn't do what I did. Crap.
I know you are saying it's all amicable, and progress must go forward and all, and I know what that means, since my divorce was the same, but .... crap!! I wished and wished your little one would not have to have this in her life.
Crap.

[Frida]

I just got back from vacation and came immediately to read your blog. I suspected something was up when I read your post on Solitude. It pains me to see the sad news here. I wish all of you only the best.

[Maz]

I've been reading your site for several years but have never commented until now. You've given me endless hours of enjoyment. I'm sorry to hear this news. Best of luck to you as you enter on a new path in life.

[Daddy Geek Boy]

I've been reading so many posts where blogs have up and folded that I'm glad yours is not one of them. However, truly sorry to hear the news. You sound really healthy and positive about it (as positive as one can be in light of said news). Hang in there brother. Keep writing.

[Lin]

I've followed your blog for sometime now and admire your great writing, your humour, your positive attitude on life and parenting. I wish you, BL and the Peanut all the best.

[Brent]

This caught me by complete surprise. I'm in awe of your writing. You're right. Just like we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, we don't know what goes in a writer's "real" life. I've enjoyed your blog for many years. Though I've never commented, I feel invested in your life. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Next time I'm in NYC, I'll e-mail you to possibly catch a drink together in real life. After all this time, I feel like I owe you one. Hang in there.

[sweatpantsmom]

MD, I'm just catching wind of this, and wanted to say how sorry I am to hear it. This was undoubtedly difficult to write - kudos to you for putting it out there in such an eloquent way.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

I am so sorry. Divorce is hard and hopefully for the best.

(hug)

[pot]

In no way did I ever expect to see that line "BossLady and I are divorcing." I actually gasped out loud, and was stunned for a few seconds. I guess if I was rooting for any couple to make it to the end, it would be the both of you. I went back to your archives and re-read your first few posts, almost trying, if you will, to find something somewhere that indicated that BL and you were not a star couple. Halfway doing so, I stopped, not just because I realised what I was doing was ridiculous, but rather, because I couldn't believe how much your life affected me. I mean, I don't even know you. Even though I feel I do. Heh.
It seems that you are doing alright now, but I imagine that it must've been hell before this. I sincerely hope for the best for you, BL and the Peanut... as individuals, and as a family.
Thank you for this honest and beautiful post.

[mm22]

I don't know you and you don't know me but man, I feel like this is happening to my best friend. Thank you for sharing and for all the years of posting. I am sorry. I pray for strength for the both of you.

[Wandering Chopsticks]

There's not much I can say. Like everyone else, I'm just in shock. I'm sorry.

[Ericka]

Since this is a parenting blog, I'll use that analogy. Marriages are like raising children. They require nurturing, understanding, compromise, forgiveness, and of course love. Letting go is easy, like letting your child eat sweets and sit in front of the TV for hours on end. Do you give your child up for adoption because you don't like their personality traits? Do you kick your child out of the house during their crazy teenage years? Holding on - not giving up - not giving in is what's hard. Working at your relationship and lines of communication with your child, your spouse, or anyone else you love shows real strength, real love.

Why did you marry BL in the first place? Was it temporary insanity? A blacked-out weekend in Vegas? Or was it love? Divorce is an option for physically or mentally abused spouses. Other than that, divorce is for quitters.

[Glennia]

As usual, I am the last to know everything. I send you nothing but love and good thoughts. Take care of yourself & the Peanut. It's a gift to her that you & BossLady can remain friends and co-parent her.

[Kyungmee]

I just came across your site looking for other korean adoptee blogs. First, I saw how I liked your blog set up, then you made me laugh. I know , I just found you here, but once again, I find myself relating to some points mentioned. It is interesting this whole cyber connection! I hope you and your family find stength and a way to cope through this period to come. Take care.

[I think your're pathetic]

Good heavens. She needed to get rid of your narcissistic ass. You are so self serving, and you do not deserve her, or peanut. You are all about you and when you realize what you have lost it'll be too late.

[Bosslady2]

Before you make such claims i have it ON authority that bosslady was fucking other men while she was still married to MD.  Can you imagine??  No wonder MD had to get out of this.  Evil she was.  Cheater.  ADULTERY.  Had nothing to do with his narcisissm

[Brahana]

Some of you are so hateful.

[jmhashi]

Wow, very sorry to read this. I have enjoyed reading about you & your family so much. Best wishes to you & Bosslady & Peanut to navigate the stormy waters.

I have been going thru similar, am now 3 years into PostDivorceLand. I have 3 kids (6,9 & 12) and the first 2 years were very rough for them. The 3rd year has gone much more smoothly, as all of us settle into our new life, and adjust with all the changes.

Peanut will be ok. Alot of kids have to deal with this, and it seems you and Bosslady are doing everything you can to minimize the effects for her. The most important thing is that she knows you both love her, and it was not her fault.

We can't make everything in our children's lives perfect and painless, no matter how hard we try. All we can do is try to help them, and model good behavior and character for them. And love them. Alot.

[L]

I was just introduced to this blog by my sister. The last lines " Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go." is how I am realizing my own pending divorce is. We are two people who realize that we love each other so much but understand that our lives have not ended up on the same path. We have not gone public with our situation to most people/family yet. It's very scary of what will happen and how we will be judged (by God and family). Thanks for the quote. It inspires me to know that we are doing what is best for the others happiness.

[Cecily]

It's obviously been a while since I last checked your blog - it's something I save as a literary treat.

I'm one of those kids who always thought their parents should have divorced. It would have been better to see them happy and separated instead of watching their relationship disintegrate. Peanut will understand, and I'm sure you and the ex-BL will ensure her happiness, like you said. All you can ever do is give it your best shot and hope it turns out right. Good luck.

[Harveen Narulla]

Hang in there. big hug.

[bigWOWO]

I'm so sorry to hear this, MD. Wow. Regards to you and Peanut.

[Abby]

You are just writing, what everyone else is feeling. I love to read what you have to say, good or bad. It puts our lives into perspective.

[Judy]

I love to keep up with your page. You alway make me laugh, cry and think. You should write a book. You write beautifully.

[Rhi]

I've only just stumbled across your blog and I'm so glad I did. However you may have handled this experience on a day to day basis, I have so much respect for this blog entry. It's so easy to let personal hurt get in the way (whether you knew it was the right thing to do or not) and start tarnishing the other person and becoming bitter. So impressed with the respect you have for your ex wife and the family unit. I wish you all the best and look forward to catching up on more recent entries.
Rhiella

[AL TAY]

HI, MD. HAPPENED TO CHANCE ON UR BLOG.
READ FROM BEGINNING TILL NOW. AM SJOCKED TO READ ABT UR DIVORCE. THOUGHT U WERE A PERFECT LOVING COUPLE. IT SHOWS NOTHING IS FOREVER. *SIGH* HOWEVER, SEEING THAT YOU ARE STILL BLOGGING SHOWS U HAVE GOT ON UR LIFE. KEEP GOING!!

[Kamogelo]

just me & you Posted on I do family histroy research. First of all start in the area where she grew up. Start by looking for her Mother Father, siblings. Best friends in school. Then go to your local court house and ask for a marriage license in her name. I also go to face book and enter names.I enter name in the white pages sometime you can find people that way.

[Andrea]

mojojojo July 28, 2011 I've read Kate's blog periodically and I find her huroomus. So the following is not meant to be nasty or cruel at all. Just objective Kate, you better get a good hobby that you really enjoy (if you don't already have one). And maybe a long-life breed of cat or a dog, too. Cuz chances are, you're going to remain single.Believe me, I know. As a midlifer I've got quite a few friends (guys admittedly) that are very much like you This one's too old (& creepy) This one's too young (& virgin) This one's too short (& lumpy) This one's too tall (& skinny) This one's too naked (& spontaneous) This one's too PERFECT (& perfect) And they're all STILL single. And will likely stay that way. Which is OK, if that's what you really want. Not my business. But I'm just sayin'.If I weren't off the market, I'd be happy to date you, if only to see what horror story you'd write about me. (I figure somewhere in the world there's always a woman telling horror stories about me. Most often my wife )Good luck!

[become famous]

For Blair Underwood's episode, there have been a lot of improvements in what you can find out, so he submitted a DNA sample that would track his Y chromosome. There's
not a formal conversation, but most of them feel like I just
want information whatever it is. uk reports that Evangeline Lilly
never intended to become famous.

[エルメス トート]

Skechers claim is always that the shoes simulate walking on sand using their "unique soft kinetic wedge insert and dynamic rolling bottom

[singing lessons]

Why not need your current mastercard info equipped. For the purpose of further smut preserve reloading this webpage unless you are actually sent straight. Hurt very sensitive Disney Melinda designs might possibly wish to get away from this unique bawdy web page promptly for most non-toxic Infrequent Webcomic!. And here is a quick you to definitely respond quads provide a person’s suitable limb out and about, even though folding your current kept leg. Perform repeatedly when using the alternate limb. A further necessary expand is usually to turn ankles in a very spherical actions that will weaken muscle mass plus minimize very smooth build. One can find 100s of elongates, which means that get up plus bend. Yet, ahead of undertaking some sort of fullblown tai-chi appointment, notice a environments.
singing lessons http://gfas.org/singing-lessons.html