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July 27, 2009

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catty

Wow, I've just seen your blog for the first time and I admire your openness. Best of luck with the future... x

Jody from CA

I can only wish you all peace, joy, and love in your new paths.

PetriDish

Thanks for being honest but you don't owe us, your readers, anything. A lot of readers believe that just because they read a blog they are entitled to know every little thing and I just don't get that. I love reading your blog and nothing short of you being a pedophile will change that. Best wishes to you, Boss Lady and Peanut as you figure this whole thing out.

Lori B.

I hope that you find true love and happiness again one day, MD. Wishing you all the best.

Skip

MD, I've been lurking around your blog a long time and have been enjoying every moment. Frequently, I've wanted to applaud you but never have. I must say, your sad news catches me by surprise, wonder if it isn't a delayed reaction to BL father's death?
Be strong, sending you a huge bear hug, for you and your family.
Skip
East Hampton, NY

Dave

I've been there dude. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. It's a brutal process that kind of hits you in waves. There's definitely a greiving process, no matter who wanted the divorce and what led up to it. I'll be thinking about you a lot and wishing you the best. You're a classy guy, from what I've seen of you, and I know you'll get through this in one piece and do it in a graceful and dignified way.

Well, actually, I don't think I've ever seen that done totally in a completely graceful and dignified way, come to think of it. I'm sure you'll at least come through it and be happy again - hopefully without too many things you wish you hadn't said or done. I call my ex the "training wife." I learned a lot from her.

Take good care of yourself.

Dave

Brina

This news makes me sadder than I could have ever imagined. I know it's not recent news and you seem to be in a healthy place right now but it's still shocking to me. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.

As others have said, it's beautifully written. Also I don't think there's as much of a difference between "personas" as you might think. No matter how much you might try to fool us, we know you're a genuinely great guy. Be well.

Alicia Gibson

I am going through the same thing after 18 years of marriage. Right now we are dealing with the details and pain with respect and hope to come through this like the friends we have been for 20 years. I've spent my whole adult life with this man and it scares the hell out of me to be alone in this world. Terrified but excited. Our #1 priority is our 13 yr old daughter. I'm sorry you are going through this too, but hope you can write about it a little so those of us who are in this boat with you know we are not alone.

Peace and blessings to you.

Tricia

Thank you for this post. It's all so beautiful that I'm crying as I write this.

Last week, my husband and I sadly decided to get a divorce and I've never felt more alone in my entire life. I don't have a single friend or know anyone close to me who has gotten a divorce and I don't think I've ever felt so much pain.

I read this and it gives me hope that things will get better for me. I love how you waited so long to write this post and it gives me more encouragement than you could ever know. Right now, my emotions are so raw that I have a different emotion every single minute of the day.

Sometimes I'm sadder than I've ever been. Sometimes I feel a lightness of being that is long overdue.

Like much of your writing, this post gives me hope, strength and a slight sense of clarity.

Thank you, MD. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

LeeMarvin

MD & BossLady,

I wish you all the best in what was, I'm sure, one of the hardest decisions you've had to make as parents.

I have always believed that behind every great appearance of a man is a better woman, and vice versa. Good Luck to you both.

Having lived through this thing called divorce, I'd like to offer one piece of advice. The Peanut should have ONE bed that she sleeps in every nite. Shared physical custody is never good for the child. Unless the rules are identical between the two homes (and how could that be possible with two different people), she could grow up and be conflicted. Each of you will eventually have new mates, and that will bring new parenting mentalities to the mix.

In many divorces, people think about who wins and loses. The children ALWAYS lose!

We had a judge in a local town make a custody decision that made the parents share the house; the children stayed in the home and the mother and father rotated in and out of the house on a weekly basis. What a novel thought.

I am so sorry for Peanut's loss. My heart aches for what she is about to go through.

I will pray for you all.

Good Luck!

Much Love...

Helen

Thanks for sharing, I admire the honesty in your writing be it persona or not.

Time heals and life takes surprising turns, yet again.

Take care!

wernyz

like all the other readers said, all the best to you MD. may good things come your way from here on. but then again, life is funny like that isnt it..? without some unfortunate things happening, we always take for granted the good things in life we have. its only through 'bad' things that we learn how to appreciate the better things in life.

I have never commented before but would also like to tell you how much I enjoy reading your writings. =)

Take care now.

Leah Odze Epstein

I somehow landed here through a site called She Writes, and I have to say, I was very moved by your post about your divorce. I blog, too, and I'm starting to understand the fine line between what's on the surface and what should remain underneath.

Renee

So glad to hear that the Peanut is doing fine. For what's it worth, my husband and I got divorced two years ago. Our daughter was 4 at the time. Like you and BL, my Ex and I remain friendly and amicable. More than anything, we worried about the effect of our divorce on our daughter. Thankfully she's been fine. Kids ARE resilient. Especially at that age. Keep her your main priority at all times, keep communication open with BL, and everything will be fine in the end.

Good luck to you!

Katherine @ Grass Stains

MD, I've been reading for years and have always been so impressed by the love and respect you've always showsn BL as her husband. And I can see that you haven't changed, even with this heartbreaking development. (And I suppose it's more heartbreaking for the rest of us. You seem very composed about it all.) [smile] Thanks again for letting us in.

rlee

MD, as a fellow divorcee/dad/korean, I feel for you, BL, and peanut. letting go is best if that will make you a better friend to BL and father to peanut. I'm sure that you're going thru a lot of soul-searching/introspection, best of luck to you

chris

I've been reading your stuff for a long time - always entertained by your views, your stories, your experiences. Never compelled to comment because - well, you existing on a plane where you weren't my peer... you were the actor, I was the audience.

Today, our planets aligned. I've been through what you're going through - except that my son was much younger (he and the Peanut are about the same age, but his mom and I split up years ago). It was a hard decision to make, but the right decision to make. Children are influenced more by what they see and what they "feel", I suspect, than what they are told - and you can't fake a relationship that is not working. My son has been raised knowing that mom and dad love him and would do anything for him - and that, as importantly, while mom and dad may live in separate homes we respect and value one another just as much as we would were we together. There is no pretense - and he'll grow up sensing that.

The truth of your last sentence is what encouraged me to come out of my lurking shell and finally have something to say. Good luck to you and your family as you navigate what comes next.

Kevin

MD, I'm very sorry to read this. Thank you for opening up and sharing your life with us. I commend you for the very positive way you told this story and did not burn any bridges. God bless you, MD. You, BL, and Peanut will be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this transition in life.

Lanie

I'm sorry to learn about your divorce but I just have to say that you're one of my favorite writers. This post is perfect in every way: tone, structure, voice, and nuance. I know you say you don't write for a living because it doesn't pay the bills. You're totally right. Just promise us that you'll keep writing this blog.

Katie in LA

I like the way your mind and your heart work, MD. My thoughts are with you.

Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas

It's hard to give such sad news in such a beautiful post. Notice of my divorce going final came in while I was at BlogHer (talk about buzzkill). The best advice I can give you is to focus on the fact that, although divorced, you are still a family. Just a different kind of family.

(hugs)

hannah

I'm an occasional reader and first time commenter. I'm struck at how sad I am to read this. Thx for sharing and I hope the best for everyone.

Fi

My heart just sank as I read this. I know I don't know you and BossLady in real life but I'm more upset over this than when some of my real life friends have gotten divorced. Isn't that strange? I think it's just a testament to your writing and who you are. Thanks for sharing the news, MD. I'm sure it couldn't have been easy to write this.

Ry

Divorce isn't as bad for kids as you might think My parents were divorced. Half the time I got twice as many people who loved me and more gifts on Christmas. Who could ask for more?

Carolina

"Family isn’t something that’s supposed to be static, or set. People marry in, divorce out. They’re born, they die. It’s always evolving, turning into something else.": Sarah Dessen

I'm not sure if I believe that statement but when I was getting divorced, I kept it on a post it note on my fridge. It helped me a lot.

Sorry to hear the sad news, MD.

fuz

I so sorry to hear about the divorce.

First time commenter (but long time lurker) here. I guess like many others, I feel the need to offer some words of comfort.

Chin up and stay strong in these trying times, MD.

KC

I'm glad for many things in your post - how the Peanut has handled everything -how you are still close friends with BL- the romantic in you staying alive - and all the good friends (and booze) in your life.

I've heard you use the paddling duck analogy before, and I still firmly believe that a good relationship, once established, can coast for long periods of time before needing a push. It shouldn't be that hard.

I hope you find that person to coast along with for long stretches of smooth water. Near effortlessly.

Meanwhile, I totally used the word schadenfreude in my post today and did not read yours first! Of course, I bastardized it and all, but, yes, to schadenfreude!

Shannon

whoa, don't know what to say, but thanks for the post and my best to you and BL and of course the Peanut.

Jessica

So sad. Boss Lady and you seemed to lead separate lives, as I got the impression she didn't approve of your writing, sharing Peanut, etc.

At any rate, your daughter has a great father. Sorry she has to be the "product" of divorce like so very many in our generation. At least it was an amicable parting. You should be proud.

AK Murakami

I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. I hope for nothing but the best for you, BL, and especially Peanut.

twinbabiesdad

Man, I wish the three of you all the good that can come out of a new start. I've read you for a long time, posted a few comments and generally loved experiencing life through your eyes/words. I know you have many friends in the non-virtual world, hopefully they are men who can be there for you as you move through this.
With Love
-B

JK

Kudos to you and BossLady for staying friends. I know firsthand how thats not easy to do.But it makes all the difference with the Peanut. I know firsthand about that too. Best to all of you.

Julie

I'm such a fan, but haven't commented until now. Just felt compelled. Thank you for sharing such personal insight. Take care and stay strong.

Liberal Banana

I'm sorry to hear the news, MD, but glad that you are dealing so well with it.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and I was shuttled between their two houses EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It was a complicated arrangement, but one that allowed both parents to fully be part of the lives of my brother and me.

You and BossLady sure sound like fantastic parents and your strength to be there for Peanut will make the difference between a kid who is permanently scarred by divorce or one who looks at it with a grain of salt. Good luck, man!

Nicole E.

My marriage is struggling right now. I'm so unhappy and it doesn't seem like things are going to get any better. Makes me realize how brave it is to actually go through a divorce. I never had an understanding of it until now. It's frightening. That's why your point about letting go has been resonating with me. I've been thinking about it for the last two days and have only now come to realize how true those words are.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if things are going to get better. I just wanted to thank you for giving me your perspective on things. I guess that's why I always love coming here.

But I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. I truly am.

Julie Cho

Wow, I'm shocked. It must have been so hard for you to write this post. I guess it's good that you waited so long. Thanks for sharing, MD. Thinking about you.

Gray Matter

A class act as always. Second post I've read today about anonymity, privacy and blogging--can they co-exist? Nothing new to say that a 186 haven't said before me, just good luck.

Jules

I am fighting back tears... I am so sorry. I wish you all the best.

Nidhi (india)

My heart sank when i read this two days ago and couldnt find the words. All I want to say is that I wish you the very best. I also wish to become atleast half as good as a parent that you are to Peanut.

aruna

When I read your post on solitude, i felt that something was amiss. Sorry to hear this but all the best to you, BL and the Peanut. Hugs.

angela

Best to you, BL and Peanut. You've handled the topic amazingly, but it sounds like you are handling real life even better. A hug to you.

Greg

I don't know anyone in real or virtual world who can make me laugh and cry like you do. I know you're a private guy but thanks for sharing this news. I'm sorry that it had to happen.

Victoria

I read a lot of blogs so have unfortunately read many divorce announcements announced via blog post. Yours is hands down the most dignified I've ever read. So well written. And beautiful in its own way. You're a good guy, MD. Best of luck to you and the whole family as you each embark on this new journey.

HV

I'm now thoroughly depressed. Everyone around me is getting a divorce. What's going on?!?!

melissa cole

Wishing all of you the best. I'm a long time reader, and I LOVE your blog. Glad you're still writing it. I'ts smart, funny, raw and real.

Christy

It's nice seeing the love, friendship and respect that you still have for BossLady. Don't let that go away. It will make ALL the difference in making raising the Peanut together but separately. Trust me. I've been there.

the new girl

I never know what to say in situations like this but I also don't want to say nothing, you know what I'm saying?

No. Neither do I.

I just admire you both for conducting yourselves like real-live grown-ups, through what must be an extremely difficult time. So, so many people can't/don't. Kids are resilient and know when they are a priority.

Wishing you the best always.
xo

Silver

I am very sad by your news. And I hope that Peanut will be okay. My niece was 7 when my sister divorced. Wish that I could say that it didn't affect her, but it did in a big way. I think it would've helped had my niece visited a counselor (but she flatly refused (more like kicking and screaming). Till this day (now 17), she refuses to talk about the divorce to anyone. Not healthy. Please do your best to help Peanut communicate her feelings to you. I write these things as a sincere note to you and BL. Wishing you peace and excellent communication with you, BL and lil Peanut.

twyla

From what it sounds like, you and BL are thinking all the right things and making all the right moves. Whether you like it or not, you'll both be involved in each other's lives for the rest of your life.

It's important for kids of divorce to see that their parents still care and respect one another. That is the key. From what I know about the two of you via the blog, I'm pretty confident that you two will always be able to do that.

Don't let that change. For Peanut's sake.

Jackson

What can I say that 199 other people haven't said? I'm sorry to hear the sad news. Thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

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