This post is long overdue.
The only reason that I've put off writing it for so long is because I remain unsure as to what extent of my personal life I want to reveal online. The internet's ability to allow us to bare ourselves to so many people is uncharted territory and I'll be the first to admit that it kind of scares the crap out of me.
Let's face it. Whether consciously or not, the persona that we project online is merely how we choose to present ourselves to the world. Whether you write a blog or maintain a Facebook page, everyone is undeniably conscious and guilty of a certain level of character manipulation. We all want to structure the perception of ourselves in a way so that it reflects favorably upon us.
I once read an interview with David Foster Wallace where he said that the interesting part about this is that none of it is new. This manipulation of persona "was the project of the Sophists in Athens, and this is what Socrates and Plato thought was so completely evil. The Sophists had this idea: Forget this idea of what's true or not—what you want to do is rhetoric; you want to be able to persuade the audience and have the audience think you're smart and cool. And Socrates and Plato, basically their whole idea is, "That's fucking bullshit. There is such a thing as truth, and it's not all just how to say what you say so that you get a good job or get laid, or whatever it is people think they want.""
Amen, brother.
I'm not going to delve into how closely my online "persona" is aligned with my "real-life" personality. That's an abject lesson in futility that serves no real purpose. However, as I read through my archives to get a better understanding of that persona, I realize that there's one important aspect of my personality that rarely surfaces in my writing; I am a deeply private person.
Additionally, the fact that this blog has a small modicum of popularity isn't really helping matters much. Schadenfreude is trading at near-record levels these days. We don't root for people's success as much as we quietly revel in their failure.
And look, I think it's pretty obvious to everyone that I don't write here because I want to be popular and never in a million years would I ever want to be famous.
Why?
Primarily because it would fucking kill me to visit the dentist, see a photo of myself on the cover of some magazine, and realize that some douchebag has drawn a dick and balls on my chin.
All joking aside, what I'm trying to say is that I don't write here hoping for a slice of admiration pie. In fact, I often struggle whether to even maintain this site because, due to factors beyond my control, my goal of retaining anonymity vanished long ago.
In the beginning, my primary motives for starting this site were simply twofold. One, I wanted a place to chronicle my journey into fatherhood. Two, I just wanted a creative outlet to practice my writing.
The one thing I never predicted was how much this site would impact my life personally. The social compact of the community is far greater than I imagined. I've become invested in your lives and you've become invested in mine. More than anything, I'll never regret starting this site because of the close friendships it's given to me.
That's why I feel compelled to tell all of you that BossLady and I are divorcing. This is nowhere near a recent development. We spent many hard and painful months in marriage counseling before making the final decision. Needless to say, it wasn't easy.
I've said many times on this site that a good relationship is like a duck. Everything may look smooth on the surface but underneath you've got to paddle like hell. This should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever been in a serious long-term relationship. As everyone knows, good relationships take work.
We simply couldn't make ours work.
I won't go into the details of why our marriage didn't work. Out of my deep and sincere respect for the BossLady, that part of it remains private but like life itself, every relationship is complicated. Besides, to put the reasons for our failed relationship into words would require a writing talent that I simply do not possess.
But let's face it. Conversations about past relationships are rarely about what actually happened. They're mostly about what we think has happened.
Thankfully, the divorce has been extremely amicable and we remain close friends. Most importantly, the Peanut has adjusted to her new situation amazingly well, proving once again how resilient kids can be. It helps tremendously that BossLady and I share extremely similar views on parenting. We're also both extremely alike in the extent of the personal sacrifices we're willing to make for our daughter. The most important thing is that the Peanut knows that she will continue to remain the most important individual in each of our lives.
As for me? I'm fine. The decision to get divorced seems like it happened ages ago and I haven't looked back since. I'm a firm believer that every exit is an entrance somewhere else. Besides, good friends, good booze and good therapists should never be undervalued. Divorce has not destroyed the romantic in me nor has it ruined my optimistic belief in love. While I regret that our marriage failed, I wish BossLady only the best and I sincerely hope that she finds true happiness with someone else. In all honesty, I know that she hopes the same for me too. We have the utmost respect for one another and I hope that you will as well.
Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go.
Well said and I'm sorry to hear the news. It sounds like you've come to terms with it which I think is great and I hope you continue to write. I enjoy all of your articles and look forward to your views as a single father.
Posted by: Tyler - Building Camelot | July 28, 2009 at 01:07 PM
"That would require a writing talent that I simply do not possess."
I find that hard to believe, MD. You are a fantastic writer and you have this truly unique ability in writing your blog to make it all feel very personal and connect with each one of us. That's why you have this outpouring of support from people who are technically strangers but are so invested in your life. It's all attributable to you as a person, a writer, a man, and a father.
I wish you the best of luck in everything. Thanks for including us in your life. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Posted by: Connie | July 28, 2009 at 01:17 PM
I'm sorry to hear the news but you seem ok with it. It can't be easy to write but I'm glad you took the time to go through the pain before sharing it with all of us. I find your patience, grace, and restraint to be truly remarkable (and rare.)
Sometimes I wish you would try to be more popular because that would mean more frequent posts. It kills me when you go a month without writing anything here. I suspect you purposefully do that so your blog doesn't become too popular. It's an interesting trait that I admire. So many bloggers seem to be so self-absorbed, it's always so transparent.
Posted by: Heather P. | July 28, 2009 at 01:21 PM
I'm almost at a loss for words, I'm so surprised. But mostly, I wish you and BossLady the best as you guys navigate your now separate lives. I wish I could offer you a hug or a glass of wine. And I'm glad to hear that Peanut is adjusting well.
Thanks for sharing MD. I know Yubo and I stopped our blog awhile ago, but we always appreciated your checking in on our goings-on and I've grown to care about you and your family over the years.
Posted by: Nina | July 28, 2009 at 01:22 PM
I'm sorry. All the best.
Posted by: lumpyheadsmom | July 28, 2009 at 01:32 PM
I am shocked, but I am glad you talked about it. I hope it helps to lift the weight of keeping it secret.
My best wishes to you all as you find your way to a different family life than you'd planned.
Hugs to you from the midwest.
Posted by: Celeste | July 28, 2009 at 01:35 PM
There are many reasons that you're one of the most beloved and popular parent bloggers on the internet. This post singlehandedly elucidates all of them. Your openness, honesty, and kindness shine through in every post. I wish all three of you nothing but the best.
Posted by: Helen | July 28, 2009 at 01:47 PM
I think I knew that something was up, but I just didn't want to go there. I'm glad that everyone seems to be adjusting well.
You're a terrifically talented writer and obviously a wonderful dad... I wish you, Peanut and BL all the best.
Posted by: Amy K. | July 28, 2009 at 01:52 PM
In your usual seemingly effortless style, you're able to describe a painful part of your life with both eloquence and humor. I'm sincerely sorry to hear about the divorce. Best of luck to you in this new part of your life.
Posted by: Karl | July 28, 2009 at 02:32 PM
MD. One piece of advice is to have peanut meet with a therapist or counselor a few times. It's so dificult to really know how it's effecting your child and the damage is PERMANENT. Some
time with a therapist as your in the midst of a divorce can only help her better cope and insure she doesn't feel like this is partly her fault.
Posted by: Sarahbear | July 28, 2009 at 02:44 PM
BossLady, I know you don't have a blog (do you?) and I have no way of reaching you but please know that I send you my best wishes as well. From this blog, I feel like I know you as well and I'm sorry to hear about the divorce. My best wishes to all of you.
Posted by: Jacqui | July 28, 2009 at 03:04 PM
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. - Proust
I love you like a web groupie loves one of her favorite men she has never met. Hang in there. Virtual hugs.
Posted by: Cathy | July 28, 2009 at 03:20 PM
Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
I've had a hard time with the personal/online thing lately. Mostly because I went to BlogHer this past week and it made it so much more real; these people who I adore are real life people. Shocker. But also because there's what we put out there and then there's reality. It's a blurry line.
Hope you are doing okay. Am extremely glad that you and BL are able to put Peanut first.
ps. I met Matthew this weekend. Was shocking to meet people that I've known for years. Next year is in NYC. Will you consider making an appearance?
Posted by: Issa | July 28, 2009 at 04:04 PM
"When you fall in a river, you're no longer a fisherman; you're a swimmer." - Gene Hill
Posted by: b612 | July 28, 2009 at 04:05 PM
Dude. Seems like a lot of heavy stuff has happened to you and yours in the past year or so. I hope your decision to share this with your friends from the internets feels good. I, for one, still think you're cool, a good guy - whether it's the projected you, the real you, or somewhere in-between.
Spanish poet Miguel de Unamuno goes into this concept(read it in high school, title forgotten), of there being many multiple people in any one conversation - there are you as you see yourself, you as the other sees you, and perhaps also a real you - but in a way, we'll never really know what that means. If you're interested in exploring that territory further, check it out.
In the meantime, I wish all of you healing, and happiness.
Posted by: Driver B | July 28, 2009 at 05:03 PM
We can have character manipulation in our home also. To pretend, I know, is not healthy. Hanging on is not strong, I know that also. To get to the other side is difficult. More than difficult.
Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: joan | July 28, 2009 at 05:16 PM
Eloquence.
I wish you and everyone in your family a smooth journey forward.
Posted by: mandy | July 28, 2009 at 05:34 PM
Yours is one of the few blogs that makes me laugh, cry and contemplate my life. I'm sorry for what you and your family are going through and I hope you're all stronger for it. Thank you for sharing as much of your life as you do.
Posted by: Lena Kim | July 28, 2009 at 05:59 PM
i hope nothing but the best for you, bosslady and the ever lovely and delightful peanut. thank you for sharing even just a little bit of yourself with all of us.
Posted by: talda | July 28, 2009 at 06:12 PM
Wow. I totally get the public/private dilemma. Thanks for sharing something so personal with all of us. I hope the best for all three of you.
Posted by: NG | July 28, 2009 at 06:57 PM
I don't really know what to say, but for what it's worth I wanted to let you know that I'm wishing you all the very best.
And I continue to be amazed by your writing.
Posted by: Faith | July 28, 2009 at 07:02 PM
I don't leave comments too often, but I feel that this one deserves one. Blogs are tricky things, and sometimes hiding a piece of yourself is needed. However, I have so much respect for you that you did blog about this. And not only blog, but you have this way about saying it that shows that divorce isn't always bad.
People seem to think that divorce is horrible, but sometimes things aren't meant to be. But you got a beautiful baby girl out of it. How amazing is that? You seem to have a good mindset about it, and I wish more people did.
Posted by: Soul | July 28, 2009 at 07:24 PM
John Wooden once famously said that sports do not build character, they reveal it. That's kind of how I feel about your writing, MD. Like all good writers, a little bit about you is revealed every time you put a pen to paper. You're a good man. That much is abundantly clear. I read your site all the time but this is my first time commenting. I just want to say thanks for writing this post. For many reasons, it hits home for me harder than you can imagine.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Posted by: Frank G. | July 28, 2009 at 07:29 PM
"Conversations about past relationships are rarely about what actually happened. They're mostly about what we think has happened."
That one line is making me contemplate every past relationship I've ever had in my life with a wholly different perspective.
Posted by: Caroline | July 28, 2009 at 07:36 PM
Oh My Gosh, I nearly fell off my chair and had to re-read this a few times. WHAT? I hope you dont stop blogging and let us in a little on life after divorce witha child from the mans perspective. Ill keep you all in my prayers.
Posted by: Karen | July 28, 2009 at 08:09 PM
md,
what guts it takes to share such personal information with people you dont even know but it shows what a true gentleman you are. i wish nothing but happiness for you, your peanut and bosslady.
i hope you continue writing this blog.
kribss
Posted by: kribss | July 28, 2009 at 08:16 PM
I am sorry to hear it. In that weird, internet way I am invested in your happiness, and I am sorry to hear things have been rough. Good luck to you.
Posted by: nonlineargirl | July 28, 2009 at 08:20 PM
Divorced myself...there aren't words to express how awful it feels to even write it down. Know that you and the BL will forever relish in the delight of the child, regardless of your own relationship. It's an amazing friendship when given the same amount of work as a marriage - good luck.
Posted by: michelle | July 28, 2009 at 08:29 PM
I just recently got divorced also. I wish I felt as healthy as you sound. I wish I had the same amount of respect for my ex as you do for the BossLady. I wish I could say that I still believed in love. I wish I could say I wasn't filled with resentment. I wish I weren't so miserable.
I've already read this post 5 times. In a weird way, it makes me feel a little better each time I read it.
Thank you.
Posted by: JK | July 28, 2009 at 08:40 PM
This is my first time writing a comment here. I just want to say, thank you for sharing and all the best to you, peanut & BL.
Posted by: Eunice | July 28, 2009 at 08:40 PM
Gah. I wish I had the words.
Keep your eye on the baby, and things will work themselves out. It's going to get harder, I'm afraid, but you're way ahead of the game already.
Good vibes en route.
Posted by: Rebecca | July 28, 2009 at 09:16 PM
wow. I'm sorry, MD, I really am. Even the most amicable, well-planned, and long-expected divorce is not easy. I'm glad you're fine and that it has, it seems, been pretty smooth for you all, and mostly for Peanut, but damn. It still sucks and you've kept it so well under wraps, you just made me jaw drop. Yet another show of class, MD. Good luck in keeping it okay.
Posted by: kittenpie | July 28, 2009 at 09:44 PM
Delurking to write, I am so very sorry. I wish you, BossLady and Peanut peace and happiness.
Posted by: Angela | July 28, 2009 at 11:28 PM
I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. That truly saddens me in a way that I could never have imagined.
This was wonderfully written.
Posted by: wendy | July 28, 2009 at 11:40 PM
I hope my message wasn't an unpleasant impetus for this post, but maybe it was a helpful one? In any event, I was concerned after talking to someone who knew, and I didn't say anything to anyone else about it. I'm glad y'all are happy and that your precious little girl is happy, too. I hope to see you next August. Thanks for always being my favorite blogger friend.
Posted by: muskrat | July 29, 2009 at 12:12 AM
whoa... I've been an avid reader of your site ever since a friend introduced me to it a while back. I'm sad to hear about you and BL, but thank you for being so honest and graceful about the delicate situation. I wish you, Peanut, and BL the best in the challenge/journey of life and hope that you'll continue to let us peek into your life every once in a while. Take care~ go MD!
Posted by: yk | July 29, 2009 at 01:22 AM
I'm a long time reader, but never commented before. I'm in my early twenties and my Korean parents are currently going through a divorce. Although I live on the other side of the country from them, it's still difficult to understand and accept what is happening. Reading your post made me wish I could have the resilience of the Peanut, but sadly resilience declines with age. Regardless, it makes me happy to see that the Peanut is a real trooper through a difficult time and that your divorce is civilized instead of being an epic battle that tears each other apart.
Posted by: HL | July 29, 2009 at 03:06 AM
Hi MD...I discovered your blog not too long ago and instantly - I was hooked! I felt the compulsion to read it all in one sitting. Your writing is that good! Since then checking your blog for new posts has been a daily habit and I was elated to see a new one. However, that elation dissipated the instant I read that you and the BL were divorcing. It must have taken a lot to publicly announce that and as a result, I have the deepest respect for you.
I sincerely wish you, BL and especially the cute adorable little Peanut all the best. Take care and thank you for being generous enough to share your life/thoughts/feelings with us. It has been much appreciated.
Posted by: Stephanie | July 29, 2009 at 07:26 AM
i always look forward to new posts on your blog. your style of writing is truly inspirational and cracks me up at the same time. i'm sorry to hear about your divorce. but i must agree with you; it takes a whole lot more to let go of the person you love. having recently ended a 4 year relationship myself, i can totally relate to that. i wish you the best of luck in finding your next happiness. :)
Posted by: petiteone | July 29, 2009 at 07:53 AM
I've been reading your blog for quite awhile now and you're right, it seems as though I know the online you so much that when I read the words "BossLady and I are divorcing" I actually gasped out load and said "Oh my God!" before realising a split second later that hang on, I don't even know you, yet why do I feel so affected? Man, that's weird.
I wish all the best to you & Boss Lady & Peanut.
Posted by: Aishah | July 29, 2009 at 08:09 AM
I'm not married nor getting a divorce but I'm totally in love with a woman who doesn't love me back. I've never known anything so painful in my entire life. Love hurts but without it we'd never feel joy either.
Posted by: Marc | July 29, 2009 at 08:20 AM
"Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go."
I wish more people knew this. All the best to you.
Posted by: moma3 | July 29, 2009 at 08:43 AM
I wish you the best.
Posted by: Kelly | July 29, 2009 at 09:54 AM
I wasn't sure where this was going, but I was nodding in agreement with all of your points in the first few paragraphs. I gasped when I read the sentence announcing your divorce. This post is well-written, thoughtful and almost... elegant. I'm glad your daughter is adjusting well to the changes and that you and her mother are able to co-parent as friends. Still... I'm sorry.
Posted by: Chris | July 29, 2009 at 10:19 AM
Despite the sadness of the news, this is a beautiful and eloquent post. I'm sorry to hear about your divorce but glad to hear that the Peanut is doing so well. No surprise. She's got great parents.
Posted by: Evelyn | July 29, 2009 at 10:26 AM
Hang in there, MD.
You have hundreds of people behind you. We've got your back :)
Posted by: rina | July 29, 2009 at 10:52 AM
I'm sorry to read about this. At the same time, best of luck to you, Boss Lady and Peanut for the future.
Posted by: mummyjaan | July 29, 2009 at 10:55 AM
Sorry. I am in NY if you need non virtual people to talk with during this time.
Posted by: Neil | July 29, 2009 at 11:12 AM
I come from a family of cant-exist-together parents, that made my childhood hell. Their constant fighting and my dad's absolute lack of maturity made me wish many a times that they would just divorce and let everyone live in peace. Now they are in their 60's and nothing has changed. I still have nightmares about their fights.
Sometimes, a divorce can make life better for the kids.
I wish the peanut a happy life ahead.
Posted by: Lavanya | July 29, 2009 at 11:15 AM
MD, I've been there and my ex and I were friends too as we wished nothing for the best for one another. He has since then re-married and I am truly happy for him although our communications with one another has become zero. Which is fine, out of respect for his new wife. The saddest part of any broken relationship is that suddenly you remember the one you were so close with once before is suddenly a near stranger.
Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it, and there is romance and love out there still for you...as I have found for myself.
Posted by: writerchick | July 29, 2009 at 11:47 AM