Burying The Lede

This post is long overdue.

The only reason that I've put off writing it for so long is because I remain unsure as to what extent of my personal life I want to reveal online. The internet's ability to allow us to bare ourselves to so many people is uncharted territory and I'll be the first to admit that it kind of scares the crap out of me.

Let's face it. Whether consciously or not, the persona that we project online is merely how we choose to present ourselves to the world. Whether you write a blog or maintain a Facebook page, everyone is undeniably conscious and guilty of a certain level of character manipulation. We all want to structure the perception of ourselves in a way so that it reflects favorably upon us.

I once read an interview with David Foster Wallace where he said that the interesting part about this is that none of it is new. This manipulation of persona "was the project of the Sophists in Athens, and this is what Socrates and Plato thought was so completely evil. The Sophists had this idea: Forget this idea of what's true or not—what you want to do is rhetoric; you want to be able to persuade the audience and have the audience think you're smart and cool. And Socrates and Plato, basically their whole idea is, "That's fucking bullshit. There is such a thing as truth, and it's not all just how to say what you say so that you get a good job or get laid, or whatever it is people think they want.""

Amen, brother.

I'm not going to delve into how closely my online "persona" is aligned with my "real-life" personality. That's an abject lesson in futility that serves no real purpose. However, as I read through my archives to get a better understanding of that persona, I realize that there's one important aspect of my personality that rarely surfaces in my writing; I am a deeply private person.

Additionally, the fact that this blog has a small modicum of popularity isn't really helping matters much. Schadenfreude is trading at near-record levels these days. We don't root for people's success as much as we quietly revel in their failure.

And look, I think it's pretty obvious to everyone that I don't write here because I want to be popular and never in a million years would I ever want to be famous.

Why? 

Primarily because it would fucking kill me to visit the dentist, see a photo of myself on the cover of some magazine, and realize that some douchebag has drawn a dick and balls on my chin. 

All joking aside, what I'm trying to say is that I don't write here hoping for a slice of admiration pie. In fact, I often struggle whether to even maintain this site because, due to factors beyond my control, my goal of retaining anonymity vanished long ago.

In the beginning, my primary motives for starting this site were simply twofold. One, I wanted a place to chronicle my journey into fatherhood. Two, I just wanted a creative outlet to practice my writing.

The one thing I never predicted was how much this site would impact my life personally. The social compact of the community is far greater than I imagined. I've become invested in your lives and you've become invested in mine. More than anything, I'll never regret starting this site because of the close friendships it's given to me. 

That's why I feel compelled to tell all of you that BossLady and I are divorcing. This is nowhere near a recent development. We spent many hard and painful months in marriage counseling before making the final decision. Needless to say, it wasn't easy.

I've said many times on this site that a good relationship is like a duck. Everything may look smooth on the surface but underneath you've got to paddle like hell. This should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever been in a serious long-term relationship. As everyone knows, good relationships take work. 

We simply couldn't make ours work.

I won't go into the details of why our marriage didn't work. Out of my deep and sincere respect for the BossLady, that part of it remains private but like life itself, every relationship is complicated. Besides, to put the reasons for our failed relationship into words would require a writing talent that I simply do not possess.

But let's face it. Conversations about past relationships are rarely about what actually happened. They're mostly about what we think has happened.

Thankfully, the divorce has been extremely amicable and we remain close friends. Most importantly, the Peanut has adjusted to her new situation amazingly well, proving once again how resilient kids can be. It helps tremendously that BossLady and I share extremely similar views on parenting. We're also both extremely alike in the extent of the personal sacrifices we're willing to make for our daughter. The most important thing is that the Peanut knows that she will continue to remain the most important individual in each of our lives.

As for me? I'm fine. The decision to get divorced seems like it happened ages ago and I haven't looked back since. I'm a firm believer that every exit is an entrance somewhere else. Besides, good friends, good booze and good therapists should never be undervalued. Divorce has not destroyed the romantic in me nor has it ruined my optimistic belief in love. While I regret that our marriage failed, I wish BossLady only the best and I sincerely hope that she finds true happiness with someone else. In all honesty, I know that she hopes the same for me too. We have the utmost respect for one another and I hope that you will as well.

Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go.

Comments

[Mom101]

Amen to good friends, good booze, good therapist and yes, good writing. No wait, great writing. Also to knowing the best way for you to live a life of happiness and fulfillment and to hell with the rest of it.

As you know, you can always count me in your corner as an admirer and friend and dogged supporter.

[Estelle]

As always, I'm in awe of your writing. You're a special guy, MD. I wish you only the best.

[Vickie]

Whoa, this took me completely by surprise. I guess I'm still thinking about that trip you took 2 summers ago to Washington State (I think...my memory is really shot) and you just gushed about how excited you were about the whole thing, looking forward to spending time with BL and wondering if maybe you'd make another Peanut during that trip.

Then I think back to last year when BL's dad died and how loving a son-in-law you seemed, and how you spent as much time as possible with him before he died, which must have been crazy on all your lives.

I guess I just always thought of you having a rock-solid marriage--sure, you worked at it, but that was the important thing. You wanted to work on it.

I feel as devastated as I was when I found out AskMoxie & LOD were divorcing.

But I am glad that you seem at peace with this. I wish you and the exBL and the Peanut smooth sailing.

[Vampdaddy]

What a hard thing to read. I'm sure also a hard thing to write, but much harder, no doubt, to live. As always you have done your part with great grace and style from this angle.

[Jennah]

I can only imagine how weird it is to have this real life vs. online life. I'm amazed at how eloquently you were able to express all of this. It's truly brilliant and only makes me more impressed with you, your writing, and your persona. Best wishes to you in this new chapter of your life.

[landismom]

MD, I'm so sorry to hear about it, although I'm glad that you are having an amicable divorce, and that the Peanut is adjusting well. I totally understand the decision to keep it private for so long, and hope that you are able to maintain as much privacy as you need.

And btw? who else is using your dentist!

[Momdawn]

MD. Stay away from the booze. Substance abuse is the cause of so many failed relationships.

[twizzle]

I've been through a marital dissolution, too, and have survived. I know you will come out better than you were before. Better, stronger, faster. Thanks for your humor, warmth, and candor.

[mom202]

As the child of a broken home who has had to deal with so many challenges all I can say is that u both need to shower peanut with love and always put her first. Both of you.

[Paige Jennifer]

Over time, you've kindly invited your readers, the world, into your life and we all appreciate your generosity of self. You've made me laugh and you've made me cry, both when I least expect it. Simply put, your corner of the interweb is a wonderful thing.

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I wish you, BossLady and especially the Peanut, the best in the months and years to come.

[Kira]

I'm a first=-time commenter. Over the years, you've made me laugh and cry. But your post about the Virginia Tech students is what really hooked up on your site. Your niceness shines through clearly, MD. I'm sorry for what's happening in your life but your honesty is resonating. Thanks for sharing.

[Grace]

Stay strong MD.

[Woman with Kids]

Thank you for sharing that with us. Good luck on your new path, and I look forward to reading about your experiences and sharing them in a weird way. Also? As a divorced woman who is friends with her ex and his wife? It's tough to do but worth it for everyone if you can. I hope things work out for the best for the three of you.

[panthergirl]

And you have done this, true to form, with the utmost class. Best of luck to both of you in this next chapter of your lives. Marriage is fucking hard. The Peanut is lucky to have you both. xo

[Mary]

Oh man, this announcement is hitting me harder than John and Kate's. I'm so sad to hear it... but best of luck to you, bosslady, and peanut.

[Carrie]

I'm always happy to read whatever you want to share here. As a newish mom this is sometimes the most reading I accomplish in a week and I look forward to every post. As the child of divorced parents I truly believe it's better for children to have two happy parents whether they are together or apart. Wishing all three of you happiness.

[Connie]

Good Luck to all three of you. I agree with the comments of the children of divorced parents. I was a teenager before I realized people had nasty divorces. (I was 8 when my parents divorced and my sister was a year old).
It can be done with class and dignity and love. I have no doubt you will do that.

[Hope]

I continue to be impressed with you as man, MD. This post was amazing on so many levels. You're a true gentleman and I wish you only the best.

[beloved]

Wow. I'm sort of in a state of shock. I'm not surprised, however, to hear that your divorce is amicable and that both of you are putting Peanut first. I certainly don't know you well, but that fits the persona I've gotten from your writing.

[teufelkindsvater]

Thank you for sharing this. I can't imagine how hard this entry was to pen, but you, as always, surprised and charmed.

Enjoy your wonderful little girl. And after she goes to bed, a really wonderful single malt.

Cheers to you MD.

[Geek in Heels]

Thank you for sharing that with us. As a private person myself, I understand that must have not been the easiest thing to write.

Wishing you, BossLady, and Peanut the best of luck and happiness...

[liza]

You are a prince among men, MD.

[Lisa]

Thank you for sharing this part of your personal life with us. Best of luck to all 3 of you.

[always home and uncool]

Sorry to hear. Stay strong, everyone in the whole Metro family.

[Dena]

Oh wow. Thanks for letting us know. And thanks for keeping this site going. Your posts are still my favorites.

My husband and I don't have kids yet, but we plan to start soon, and in all honesty, there are several of your posts on parenting that I have saved for us to refer to once it happens for us.

I wish you the very best and hope you meet someone when the time is right -- a very lucky someone.

[Marcy]

I'm so sorry. No doubt you and the BossLady will continue to be the fine and loving parents you are. Best wishes through this different and challenging journey.

[mama without instructions]

I'm sorry to hear it and it's great to know that people can end a marriage so amicably. I feel like I'm in an alternate reality as so many long-term relationships around me have ended this year. I am beginning to wonder if it really can work. Good luck to you. If anyone can bounce back it's you.

[beyond]

hard stuff. glad you have friends and therapists to see you through this. i wish you and BossLady only the best as you go your separate ways.

[LK]

I have never commented here before...I feel compelled to now because (right or wrong) I feel like you could use some kind words of support.

No matter when the decision was made, no matter how much time you have had to adjust to the idea, it must be very painful. I'm sorry your family is weathering this storm, but being happy (individually and collectively)is what is important.

My best wishes for you, BL and Peanut.

[Kate (Bee In The Bonnet)]

Peanut is one lucky kiddo to have the two of you as parents.

I'm so sorry that things didn't work out between the two of you, but you seem to be handling the situation with much grace, and so it gives me hope that this new phase will work out beautifully between you both.

Dang. That sounds really stupid when I write it out like that, but truly-- I wish the best for the entire MetroDad family as you figure out this new way of being a family.

[heather]

"Conversations about past relationships are rarely about what actually happened. They're mostly about what we think has happened."

So true, MD. As a divorced parent, that might be the truest thing I've ever read. Best to you and your family.

[Amanda]

I wish you nothing but the best.

I hope you know just how much you give to all of your readers with each and every post you write. Thank you.

[BIYF]

Dude. Virtual man-hug.

[Jomama]

Hey, congratulations on choosing the right decision for all 3 of you. GOOD LUCK and best wishes in finding what makes you all happier.

[haley]

I will never cease to be impressed by your humanity. As evidenced by this post, you're a special guy and I wish you only the best. For some comforting reason, I know you'll be ok and it's because I know you don't take life lightly. Just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers, MD. You're a special kind of guy.

[snickollet]

I'm sorry, MD. I wish you the best, all of you. I'm sure it's not all smooth sailing, but yet again, you totally impress me with your grace under fire.

And I'm totally with you on the friends, booze, and therapy. Sing it.

[Papa Bradstein]

This public-private dance is difficult to handle, but you have once again navigated your way across the floor with seemingly effortless grace.

[Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!?]

I can only imagine what an incredibly difficult time this must be for you. All the best to you and Boss Lady. May there be beautiful, new beginnings for the both of you.

And love, hugs and more love to little Peanut.

God bless!

[Kim]

I am glad that you are okay. I know that at one point, it must have hurt. I am sorry that you have felt that pain.

But life is short. Horns must be grabbed. Best of luck to you and BL!

[JKD]

I'm at a loss for words. In some ways, this tarnishes my belief in marriage. On the other hand, your honesty is so enlightening that I can't help but to think of life differently. Thanks for sharing.

[mom]

MD - not to second guess you but as you said, marriage takes work.  are you sure you worked enough at it?  I know BLs father passed away in August of last year.  It seems like not much time passed between that and this major decision.  I wonder how rationale everyone has been.  Good luck, this makes me very sad, i always saw you as the idea married couple.  

[Kate]

Oh my goodness - I feel winded. Thank you for such honesty, MetroDad - this must have been so hard to write.

I'm confident that the Peanut will be loved by two families instead of one, and take my hat off to your mature response to the way you and BossLady are handling the situation.

And I echo so many other commenters when I wish armloads of happiness your way.

[karina]

As always, your honesty and kindness is so self-evident. I'm sorry things didn't work out in your marriage but I get the impression that you've already moved on. Whomever finds captures your heart is a lucky woman. You're a rare breed. Best of luck to you.

[Craig H.]

Fucking genius on so many levels, man. Brilliant, eloquent, and sensitive...all at the same time. My sympathies on your divorce. It takes a brave man to share like you have.

[heartatpreschool (Kari)]

Beautiful post. Seems weird to describe it that way, but that's how I felt about it. It was a beautiful way to describe how you've been dealing with this change in your life. I have no doubt that good things will come to you. Very good things.

[Leslie J.]

"Some people think that it's holding on that makes one strong. In reality, it's letting go."

As a divorced mom myself, those might be the most beautiful sentiments I've ever heard. In many ways, this is a beautiful post, MD. Thanks for sharing in inimitable way.

[mrs.notouching]

Wow. I can only imagine how you must have felt right before hitting that "publish" button... It feels as if you just sliced a little piece of your hart and left it here for all to see. Thank you for a beautiful, raw, honest and very respectful post. Hang in there. It will get better.

[Betsy]

MD, this comes as a huge shock, but thank you for sharing with us anyway. Hang in there, and we still <3 you.

[Motherhood Uncensored]

I actually think your writing did it amazing justice.

[Jazzhands]

Wow, I got goosebumps in preparation for some serious news when I read your post. I almost never write a comment, but wanted to give you a virtual hug. Please take good care.