Fingers, Faces & Floaters

Over the past 4.5 years, I've been woken up by my lovely daughter in about a million possible ways.

When she was a baby, it was all very cute. I'd often arise to find her using my head as a pillow. However, I chalk that one up to sheer comfort. My head is abnormally large and I could imagine how an infant crawling on a bed would see my head and be naturally attracted to it. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan gravitating towards an open bar at the Chateau Marmont.

When I'd mention this to friends, they'd often tell me endearing stories about how their kids would wake them up: nuzzling on their neck, jumping on the bed, kissing them on the cheek, or gently cuddling with them in semi-slumber.

Sure, I got a little of that. 

Not too much though.

As the Peanut got older and developed a sense of humor (one for which I feel both proud and shamefully responsible,) she started coming up with amusing ways to wake me up:

• Sticking her fingers up my nose.

• Shining a flashlight in my eyes.

• Covering my face with a mountain of stuffed animals.

• Putting her sippy cup in my mouth and force feeding me apple juice.

• Drawing hieroglyphics on my face with a magic marker.

Now, I'm generally a crappy morning person. I'm usually so groggy and unfocused that it takes awhile for me to get my bearings. So invariably when my daughter wakes me up in one of her inventive ways, it scares the living crap out of me.

However, my startlement only makes my adorable little daughter laugh like a freaking hyena. Seriously. Have you ever seen a pre-schooler laugh so hard that tears are rolling down her cheeks? Feel free to come over any morning and witness for yourself.

Now, before I continue any further, I just want to say that the Peanut is the kind of girl who automatically folds her napkin on her lap at a restaurant but will then stick french fries up her nose to get a laugh.

If you sneeze, she'll say "Bless you," but then carefully check your hand to see if you caught any good boogers (apparently, the "good ones" are the green ones.)

In other words, my daughter is unfailingly polite and well-mannered---but dude, let's face it. She's fucking 4 years old!

The point of all this is that the Peanut has found a new way to start my days.

Recently, she's been waking up before me and occupying herself in her little den. As my alarm clock goes off, I drag myself out of bed and wearily make myself over to the master bathroom for my morning pee. 

As I lean over the toilet, I'm hit with an abominable smell that can only mean one thing. Sure enough, as I open my eyes, I look down and see that the Peanut has not only taken an enormous crap but has also failed to flush the toilet!

As I scream out her name, I can hear the Peanut laughing in the other room. When I sternly call her over and ask her why she left a giant log in my toilet, she toothily grins and says, "Do you like it, Daddy? It's a present for you!" She then starts cackling hilariously.

Once again, I feel both proud and shamefully responsible.

Meanwhile, does this look like a girl who would leave a floater in your toilet? 

 

By the way, this is the Peanut's variation of "Crying Wolf." Every time she goes to the bathroom and I'm in another room, she yells out, "Help, Daddy, Help! I've fallen in the toilet and I can't get out!" When I inevitably make my way to the bathroom, she jumps out of the toilet and yells, "Just kidding!"

Ahhh...the joys of modern parenting.

Meanwhile, in 15 years, how much is she going to hate that I put this photo of her up here? Sorry, Peanut. Should have thought of that when you were licking my face and sticking jelly beans up my nose at 6:00 am. Payback's a bitch.

I love you, kiddo!

Comments

[beyond]

Funny... but I'm sure in 15 years she'll torment you in other ways. Always a pleasure to read you.

[Leslie]

I think pre-schoolers just want to torture their parents. Last week, my son woke me up by banging pots and pans in my ear. At 5:30 in the morning!

Lucky for him he's damn cute.

[Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma!?!]

You are hilarious, your daughter is gorgeous and quite funny too, from what I understand. Man, your wife must be a saint!

Just love your style!

[naomi j.]

The Peanut is both funny and beautiful, MD. I can see why she's got you wrapped around her little finger. Every time I read your site, it just makes me want to have kids right away. Guess I should find a husband first, right?

[J]

This post made my day :)
Peanut's a pretty cool gal ;)

[margalit]

She's not going to mind at all. My kids think my posts about them from the olden days of the early 90's are hysterical. They have actually memorized some of them. I see this as no different than having an embarrassing photo on your wall or on your desk at work. Millions of people have their kids sitting on the potty pictures. I do, and it's a real doozy. My son reading a book on the potty. Too cute!

She's a very funny kid. Her kindergarten is gonna HATE her because she's funny and inventive and creative and kindergarten teachers are all about learning how to conform and line up and know your numbers and letters and colors. Just promise me that you will NOT teach her all the words that begin with the letter K but have an N sound, like knight, knife, knit, etc. That was my son's total downfall in Kindergarten. HIs teacher did NOT appreciate his creativity one bit.

[Heather]

I love your posts! Reading them is always like getting a little glimpse into the future. My daughter Maddie is 6 months younger than the Peanut but seems to follow in her funny footsteps. We'll have to get them together for a playdate sometime!

[Elisa]

OMG, she is hilarious. And freakin' adorable!!

Aaaand... in a few years she will hate your guts for posting a photo of her on the toilet ;-)

[Elisa]

But then again, you can tell her this was your present for her - after the one she left YOU, she shouldn't complain ;-)

[Estelle]

I don't know whom I love more...you or the Peanut!

[Captain Dumbass]

I think you better get all your shots in now, that kid is going to be handing you your ass for a long time to come.

[kristi]

Our kids would get along just fine. GAH!

[Mary]

Your daughter is so cute!

[Jason]

HAHAAH! Thanks for a great laugh on a dreary Tuesday! My daughter does s*** like this, literally! She loves to not flush and leave whatever the hell that was she did in there, and happily doesn't care that she didn't flush.

But she doesn't wake me up anymore, as I usually have to get her awake at about 630 to get ready to go to school.

[Liberal Banana]

Yup, she's definitely going to hate you for posting that photo.

Ahhh, nothing like reading about floaters while I'm eating my lunch at work. I should've learned by now...! Ha.

[SKR]

The Peanut rocks! And what a cutie-patootie!

[Marnie Q.]

Bwahaha....great post, MD!

[Lira]

Isn't it amazing the size of kids' poops? Even after 3 kids, it never ceases to amaze me.

[Julie Kang]

Wow, Peanut sounds like she was born to be a frat brother! Does she drink all your beer too?

[Leora]

OMG, the Peanut is absolutely adorable. She's getting so big!

[nycowgirl]

Dear MD -

I just started reading your blog about your adventures and I think you are absolutely fricking funny!!! I love reading your stories. Seriously keep it up and yes, Peanut is so adorable with a wicked sense of humor. I also commend you for teaching her good manners! She will grow up to be lovely in and out.

[Jemma]

You have such a great writing style, MD. Such a wonderful blend of wit and intelligence. The Peanut is lucky to have you as a dad.

[Chris]

Wait until she's older and "forgets" to flush the toilet. Talk about a present...

She's beautiful. You're so lucky.

[Todd]

OK, here's one that just happened to us. Bella (3) woke up at 6:30, and Marcy got up with her, took her downstairs, put some Backyardigans on, and got her breakfast. Marcy then promptly fell asleep on the couch, as she is wont to do being pregnant again.

She woke up a short while later to find a pile of dandelions on the table next to her. Now we have child locks on all the doors, but Marcy realized that they were too fresh to have been there from the previous day. Upon questioning the Imp, Marcy determined that, in her princess nightgown and plastic princess shoes, the Imp had crawled out through the doggie door into the (fenced) backyard to pick flowers as a present for momma.

[Neelum]

Hi MetroDad,
I must say you have a fairly decent ways of being woken up...my husband used to get slapped and I mean real hard slaps from my now 3 year old !! He would wake up in total fright, anger and @#$%## !!
Another way was to sit on his stomach and start jumping !! I can tell you that really hurt..
BTW: I enjoy reading your blog...

[LeeMarvin]

...dropping the kids off at the pool...

Now, that's funny!!!!!!

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

Chang and Eng LOVE the picture of their silly friend! They, like her, are also flush-a-phobes.

[misfithausfrau]

Here's the deal, your Peanut and my Genna are really 10-year-old boys.

Seriously, our daughter's nickname is Blutarski.

[Super Mega Dad]

Sounds like she's going to become a stand up comic when she grows up. When she becomes famous, you can sell all these old pics to the tabloids and make a mint! Keep 'em handy, so you know where they are at. :)

[momomax]

Hilarious.

At least she hasn't split your lip open with a backwards head butt.

[Louise]

Could the Peanut be ANY cuter? OMG, she's adorable!

[JDG]

The Peanut is both beautiful and hilarious. Watch out, MD. You're going to be beating those boys away with a stick!

[joan]

She is adorable. You will looks at these exploits and smile and laugh.

[Ashley]

How funny!!

[Ellen P.]

That photo made my day. Thanks, MD!

[Mom101]

I love not only that you posted this picture, but that you are entirely unapologetic about it. My sense is you're raising a kid with enough of a sense of humor to appreciate it.

One day.

[Fragrant Liar]

You are so right. Payback is a bitch, and she will be sure you get plenty of it in about 11 years. You have less time than you thought, so I'd get busy prepping yourself for the worst. ;)

[SAHM-I-AM]

HA! In 15 years, she'll be posting her own photos of herself on the toilet on Facebook, if it's still around. My nephews do ... on second thought, it could be just a guy thing.

[Hà Trang]

Cutest girl ever!

[HPEarson]

I read your post last night. This morning, my 3-year-old daughter woke me up by prying open my eyelids. Scared the hell out of me. Is there a pre-school version of your blog being read to little kids somewhere?

[Roger]

See? Right there is a perfect episode for your sitcom. What's going on with that, MD?

[andy]

she is looking more like you in each picture you post on your blog.

[n a n d a]

Hi!
New here, love your blog!

Ur posts make me luv my dad more <3

Btw, am following u now ;)

[Steve]

Would you believe my three and a half year old has started the "falling in the toilet" trick with me this very morning. Did he see it here first?

Another great LOL post MetroDad. Keep it up.

[enygma]

In a couple of years, you'll be the one dragging her out of bed so she won't be late to school.

[Kim]

I love the peanut and her humor! She is too cute.

BTW- I visited NY a couple of months ago for the first time and I now see what you love about your city! We stayed in the Empire Hotel right across from the Metropolitan Opera. I looked for you, but...no sightings

[Karen P.]

I just discovered your blog. I finally had to read it after two of my closest friends recommended it highly. The funny thing is that none of us have kids. Your writing and sense of humor even resonate with the childless. Keep up the great writing!

[Cali Mom to 4]

Your daughter is totally adorable. I remember when my kids were that age. I wish I'd written down all the funny stuff they did when they were younger.

She might be pissed about you posting this photo but I think she'll appreciate how clearly evident it is how much you love her. More than anything else, that's really what shines through in your writing. She's lucky to have you as a dad.

[Jo]

Even pants down and stuck in a toilet, she's cute! So gorgeous.

I read this to my gore and snot obsessed 6 year old and she laughed like a darain, eyes agleam with new ideas. And my 21 month old was concerned: 'Stuck! Toit!'

[Lisa]

That.is.awesome!

Make sure you save that for when she goes to her prom!