As many of you already know, I am a self-confessed grammar nerd.
I'm not especially proud of this. If anything, it's a curse. Unlike other people, I can't enjoy the newspaper, casually watch television, or listen to talk radio. Bad grammar seems to follow me everywhere---and it practically drives me insane.
When I was younger, I had an almost pathological obsession to single-handedly eliminate bad grammar from the planet. I'd catch gaffes in multi-million dollar print campaigns and call up the ad agency. I'd find mistakes in the NY Times and shoot letters off to the editor. If someone in conversation improperly said "if" when they should have used "whether," I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. If I didn't correct their grammar, I'd practically start twitching!
Sexy, right?
I'm telling you when I was younger, I had to beat the women away with a stick. Especially when they found out that I also liked to read the dictionary for fun. Woo hoo!
As I got older, I became much better at ignoring all the bad grammar plaguing the world in which we live. My obsession with grammar had even started to annoy myself. Besides, it was like trying to plug a leaky dam with only one finger. What could one man accomplish by himself?
Anyway, for the past few years, I thought I'd fully beaten my addiction and could now live a normal, care-free life.
Unfortunately, I was wrong.
For the past few months, the Peanut and I have been going to the Whole Foods near us in Tribeca. Whenever we were in the checkout line, I'd start twitching and muttering under my breath. My adorable four-year-old daughter would look up at me and say, "What's wrong, Daddy?" I'd lovingly reply, "Nothing, Sweetie. Let's just get out of here as quickly as we can."
The source of my tension? This sign...
A few weeks ago, I was at the Whole Foods by myself when a customer service representative approached me and asked me if I was finding everything I needed and whether there was anything that Whole Foods could do to make my shopping experience better. Partly as a joke, I pointed at the checkout line sign and said, "Yeah, you can fix the grammar on that."
Naturally, the young woman looked at the sign carefully, read it, and then replied, "What's wrong with it?"
I was going to let it go but naturally I couldn't. I just replied, "The grammar is wrong." Then I quickly walked away. As I looked back, I found her staring dumbly at the sign, trying to figure out where the mistake was.
Anyway, last week, the Peanut and I went back to Whole Foods. Guess what I saw?
Call me crazy but that totally made my day.
That's right, my fellow nerds. You too can be an agent for change!
P.S. Only two more days until the charity auction is over. So far, we're now at $350. If we get it up to $500, I'll come to dinner in my Batman costume! Okay, maybe not. Anyway, keep the bidding going so we can help raise money for a worthy cause. Bid here.
As much as I love Obama, his campaign slogan "Change We Can Believe In" made me cringe every time I saw or heard it.
Posted by: Lisa K. | March 09, 2009 at 08:33 PM
Be the change, MD, Be the change...
The one that makes me crazy regularly is "currently right now," which everyone seems to say lately. Argh!
Posted by: kittenpie | March 09, 2009 at 08:39 PM
OK, I've been lurking for several months, but this one brought me out of hiding.
Love that they changed the sign! I, too, am a grammar freak, and can't believe how many errors I come across on a daily basis. Just today, I received a beautifully designed e-mail invite to an event at our zoo that read, in great big letters, mind you, "Your Invited"! Yikes!
The one that drives me insane is people that mean "I couldn't care less", but say "I could care less". It makes absolutely no sense that way, and it drives me friggen' bonkers!!! Aaaaiiiiieeee!!!!!
Posted by: dana michelle | March 09, 2009 at 10:06 PM
Dude. You took a picture of the "bad" sign. Why? Just in case they fixed it one day, and you'd have a before and after? HA! You ARE crazy.
I'am almost to scarred to leave a comment just in case i make me some grammer arrors.
Twitch.
Posted by: Amanda | March 09, 2009 at 10:20 PM
That is damned awesome.
I like to give business with incorrectly-written signs an "upper decker" (meaning I shit into the tank part of the commode and let it float indefinitely).
Posted by: Father Muskrat | March 09, 2009 at 10:20 PM
OMG! Amanda is right. You took a photo of the "bad" sign before you knew they changed it.
That is too funny, MD!
I have a friend who does the same exact thing. Whenever she sees a public instance of bad grammar, she takes a photo with her iphone and sends it to me immediately. We both live in Los Angeles (which might very well be the Incorrect Grammar Capital of the World.) Honestly, we find about 10 mistakes a day in the L.A. Times.
Posted by: Bridget | March 09, 2009 at 11:03 PM
I must be a total nerd because I would love to meet a man who liked to read the dictionary for fun.
Posted by: Arisa | March 09, 2009 at 11:06 PM
You are too funny, MD. I really think you're becoming the Tina Fey or Larry David of daddy blogging.
...And that's a compliment!
Keep up the hilarious work.
Posted by: Simon G. | March 09, 2009 at 11:10 PM
You are one of "those" people!!!!
I've always been afraid of grammar nerds because I can see them cringe a bit whenever I speak.
Very cool, though, that Whole Foods actually took the advice of a consumer and modified the sign.
Posted by: Maureen | March 09, 2009 at 11:35 PM
Oh bless you, MD. Bless you bless you.
And Will Shortz blesses you too.
Posted by: Mom101 | March 10, 2009 at 12:39 AM
Great. If I win the auction, I'm going to be just miming all night.
Posted by: KC | March 10, 2009 at 08:35 AM
You're my kind of nerd, MD! I would have done the same thing. So cool that Whole Foods changed it based on your comment.
Posted by: Brina | March 10, 2009 at 09:16 AM
I always love the titles of your posts. So clever!
Posted by: Lena | March 10, 2009 at 11:36 AM
Grammar nuts FTW!
Seriously, that gives me hope that the seemingly insurmountable mountain of bad grammar is still vanquishable. Thank you, GrammarMetroDad!
Posted by: Alice | March 10, 2009 at 12:32 PM
This so reminds me of a story about my MIL. She once got her grocery store to stop stocking pre-packaged salads by writing a different note in their suggestion box.
Posted by: landismom | March 10, 2009 at 01:46 PM
I totally understand the grammar thing! I've left comments two times on celebrity-babies.com and they've corrected their articles both times!! hee hee. Everyone is so afraid to use "me" or "him". I can't tell you how satisfying that was....
Does that make me a total nerd?
Posted by: rose | March 10, 2009 at 01:59 PM
OMG!
Sweet!
Posted by: AlieMalie | March 10, 2009 at 05:20 PM
You're truly a man after my own heart, MD. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Good grammar is damn sexy!
Posted by: Jennie S. | March 10, 2009 at 06:06 PM
OMG!!! I'm a delighted co-grammer-geek. You have no idea how many times I've corrected that particular one, Less v. Fewer. That is heartwarming, really.
My biggest contention is it's v. its, found in even the most intelligent people and on the most widely published pieces and signs. (I almost ended that last line with "err on." Fixed into an entirely new structure rather than bore people with the "on which....." etc.) Found it misused in a zoo on their signage, even. ARRRRRRRRRG.
My affliction started with my mom, but really grew while working under an old-time expert proofreader at a newspaper I can't name. She was a strange person who looked like she'd spontaneously combust out of sheer ambient anxiety, even if nothing were found wrong. She practically rapped your knuckles with a pointer if you were caught letting even the tiniest point slip. She made me what I am today.... what's your excuse?
Posted by: Xibee | March 10, 2009 at 07:25 PM
grammar.
Posted by: Xibee | March 10, 2009 at 07:34 PM
hahaha. Nice one. You should walk around the city and peg similar errors. Take Photos and make a coffee table book of errors. Sort of a where's waldo of grammar. Great post.
Posted by: Out-Numbered | March 10, 2009 at 07:55 PM
I'm also a grammar nerd, but even more so, a spelling nerd. People who cannot spell seriously confound me. This is a serious question....when did someone change the spelling of "cancelled" (this is how I learned it) to canceled ???? It changes almost daily on our local news shows....and well while I do live in Las Vegas (not Vegas btw) I would like to think people could spell cancelled.
Posted by: Kris T | March 10, 2009 at 08:05 PM
I'm an middle school English teacher, and I cannot tell you how happy your post made me. Hooray for grammar nerds!
Posted by: Tammy | March 10, 2009 at 09:41 PM
I cannot believe I had a grammatical error. Ack!
Posted by: Tammy | March 10, 2009 at 09:41 PM
I know I'm probably giving away a secret here, but the "normals" just do this stuff to piss off the grammer nerds. We randomly sprinkle bad grammer here and there just to keep you on your toes. :)
Posted by: Super Mega Dad | March 11, 2009 at 02:14 AM
Oh man. I'm gonna un-make your day then. Take a look at this link:
http://www.sunroute-plaza-tokyo.com/ht_en/en_ourtyp.htm
I came across this link when I was planning my trip to Disneyland Japan. All it took was one glance at the first sentence and the next and the next. It's so bad it's good. It's not even grammatically wrong anymore. It's just plain WRONG. Hilariously wrong. I love it.
Posted by: Brewtal | March 11, 2009 at 04:48 AM
I'm a grammar freak unto myself. I meant to say "I came across this link while I was planning my trip to Disneyland Japan", not when.
This, "All it took was one glance at the first sentence and the next and the next." also doesn't look quite right so I would like to strike that off please.
I typed my earlier comment just as my daughter was waking up from her nap and didn't have to proof-read. Excuses, excuses.
The worst thing about being so particular about grammar is that I check my writing repeatedly for errors and cringe at my mistakes, hoping to correct them before anyone spots them.
Posted by: Brewtal | March 11, 2009 at 10:20 AM
ARGH!!!! It never ends! I suck at proof-reading!
I meant to say "didn't have time to proof-read."
MetroDad, I'm sorry about clogging up your comments page. I shan't comment anymore (unless I spot another mistake, that is).
Posted by: Brewtal | March 11, 2009 at 10:24 AM
Score one for the grammarians. Nice work, MD!
Posted by: Nikki | March 11, 2009 at 10:43 AM
Next, maybe you can talk to the self-important cyclists behind the "One Less Car" stickers.
Posted by: Juan | March 11, 2009 at 11:46 AM
Why does everyone use the word "reticent" for "reluctant?" I must have heard that about 10 times in the past couple of months. WTF? Also, I have a good friend who is otherwise very articulate and bright, but has, as part of her outgoing phone message, "please leave a message where I can reach you at." I cringe when I hear it, but can't figure out a way to tell her without embarrassing her and making myself look like an anal-retentive grammar prude.
Dave
Posted by: Dave | March 11, 2009 at 02:23 PM
There's a whole website devoted to public instances of bad grammar and incorrect spelling. It's enough to make you want to blow your brains out.
http://wordsplosion.com/
Posted by: Karla | March 11, 2009 at 02:30 PM
My pet peeve is when people mix up "then" and "than." Drives me bonkers.
Posted by: Deana D | March 11, 2009 at 02:31 PM
By the way, in reading through the comments I was struck by how many women get all hot and bothered for a skilled gramarian (I was going to say "cunning linguist" but figured that was inappropriate). That would have emboldened me back when I was allowed to pursue such opportunities. And here I thought I was just a dork. I guess women just don't find a dangling participle attractive.
I appologize. I had a rough day of meetings.
Dave again.
Posted by: Dave | March 11, 2009 at 02:53 PM
Oops. I meant Grammarian. So much for my nerd appeal.
Posted by: Dave | March 11, 2009 at 02:54 PM
i didn't know anything was even wrong with that, that's what written at all the markets i go to. "fewer" sounds funny to me now.
Posted by: judy | March 11, 2009 at 07:07 PM
I've been lurking for a while, but the chance to air my favorite grammar grievance has drawn me out. Looping announcement in the Oakland Airport: "To prevent the transport of dangerous items without your knowledge, please keep your bags with you at all times." One reason to be glad I don't live in the Bay Area anymore.
Posted by: KB | March 11, 2009 at 08:21 PM
No wonder my wife has a crush on you...
Posted by: Derek W. | March 11, 2009 at 10:58 PM
Oh, aside from the grammar thing, she also likes to read the dictionary for fun!
Posted by: Derek W. | March 11, 2009 at 10:59 PM
As Barney from HIMYM would say, "Awesome".
Posted by: Linda | March 12, 2009 at 12:42 AM
My pet peeves in this category include the following:
- "and/or" (http://www.geocities.com/thorin.geo/and_or_invalid.html)
- people that can't figure out "there, their, and they're"
Posted by: kingthorin | March 12, 2009 at 09:49 AM
My big one is "breathe" and "breath". I see it all of the time (from professional writers no less) and it always makes me cringe.
Posted by: Daddy Geek Boy | March 12, 2009 at 11:46 AM
Woo hoo for you! While I can abide, and often even participate in, poor grammar verbally, it drives me nuts when it's been PRINTED on a sign for all to see.
Posted by: NG | March 12, 2009 at 01:28 PM
Amazing.
Posted by: Sandra | March 13, 2009 at 07:26 AM
LOVED this post. Always nice to meet a fellow grammar nerd.
Posted by: Alyssa | March 13, 2009 at 08:33 AM
Here is another super super annoying one:
"He was at the gym twice or three times a day. He was on a nutrition and workout regime for the last year not knowing if he would be in this film."
REGIME?!?!? AARRRGGHHHH!!!!
Posted by: rose | March 13, 2009 at 09:52 AM
I forgot to mention that that one was a quote from an actress on people.com.
Posted by: rose | March 13, 2009 at 09:53 AM
I wish I had money to bid on that dinner with you. We could have geeked out and discussed grammar all night!
Posted by: Leslie K | March 13, 2009 at 12:19 PM
A new shop in the mall that I work near has "Fashions design with you in mind" on their sign. My grammar has never been great but this one really bugs me. Kudos to you on being a grammar nerd!
Posted by: Amy | March 13, 2009 at 07:50 PM
That's odd. Most Whole Foods stores I've seen have "fewer" written in place of "less".
BTW..."If SOMEONE in conversation improperly said "if" when THEY should have used "whether" is a pronoun-antecedent agreement error. :P
I'd like to think I am as obsessed with good grammar as you, but the reality is that my students are still making this mistake in their papers despite having learned the concept twice in just this school year.
Posted by: enygma | March 13, 2009 at 10:48 PM