All Your Parenting Questions Answered...

It never ceases to amaze me how many people write to me for actual parenting advice.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm genuinely flattered that someone would cherish my opinion on such an important subject. In fact, I'm generally just happy when I hear that people are actually thinking about parenting.

On the other hand, I have no background in pediatrics or child psychology. Sure, I've got a semi-popular daddy blog but isn't asking me for parenting advice kind of like asking Hugh Laurie for medical advice just because he plays a doctor on TV? 

Anyway, whenever someone writes me for parenting advice, I usually do take the time to answer them seriously. However, I tend to have a very laid-back approach to parenting so I don't worry about a lot of the little things that might bother other people. On the other hand, I'm also the same guy who read every parenting and baby book ever written in English when he found out he was going to be a father.

I figure that anyone who takes time out of their day to write me a serious e-mail about parenting deserves a serious answer. However, most of the time, these are the replies that I really want to send...

I've been breastfeeding for only a few weeks now and it's extremely painful. Am I doing something wrong?

Don't suck so hard.

Is it true breastfeeding helps you lose baby weight? 

Not really.

I gained about 15 pounds of sympathy weight during my wife's pregnancy. I tried breastfeeding but it felt like I was living off some sort of weird vanilla ice cream diet. I really didn't lose the baby weight until I started eating salad and working out.  

Seriously now, MD. When is a child too old to breast feed?

When they're old enough to ask for it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a strong advocate of breast feeding but some of those lactation activists need to chill out. I have a friend who breastfed her daughter until she was FIVE. It was unnerving to watch this fully-grown little girl come up to her mother and say, "Mama, may I please have some breast milk? I'm hungry."

Hell, my daughter is four. When she comes up to me and says she's hungry, I tell her to go to the kitchen and make herself a sandwich!

My child is a fussy eater. What should I do?

Nothing upsets me more than when I spend 45 minutes cooking dinner for my daughter and she refuses to eat it.

However, if I've learned one thing in my 4 years of parenting, it's that kids love games. So I made up a really fun game for my daughter. It's called "Eat It or Wear It." Either she eats all the food on her plate or I smush it all over her face. I know it sounds cruel but we've only had to play the game once!

Actually, in all seriousness, there was a brief moment when the Peanut was a fussy eater. When we asked our laid-back French pediatrician what we should do, he said, "Zoot alors! She ees not going to starve to death, n'est-ce pas? Do not worry so much, silly American!"

Despite the fact that the remarks came from a Frenchman, his words actually turned out to be perfect advice. If Peanut starts getting fussy about her food, I don't stress. I just throw her dinner in the fridge and give it to her for lunch the next day. Nobody ever died from skipping a meal or two.

At least not in this country.

My child poops in the bathtub constantly! How can I stop him from doing this?

Ewww. That is so freaking gross. I just got a mental image of that and had to toss my lunch into the garbage. That's the last time I'm eating baked falafel. Thanks!

As usual, I have no advice but I do have a good story...

In the heat of a race, hardcore sailors often piss in their pants so they don't lose any precious time. When they have to take a dump, they just grab the boom, lean their asses over the boat, and just poop over the side of the deck. The floating poop is referred to as a "sea pickle."

When my buddy Stan was a little kid, he once pooped in the bathtub. Just once. That was the only time. However, his dad thought it was so funny, he gave Stan the nickname of "Sea Pickle." Unfortunately, the nickname stuck.

Forty years later, Stan is not only a grown man but also the head of a major European media company. He speaks four languages fluently and has thousands of people reporting to him. However, every time he goes home to his parents, none of that matters.

He'll always be mommy and daddy's little "Sea Pickle."

What should you do if your son likes to wear girl's clothing?

Jeez, Dad. That was like 30 years ago. Let it go already. I told you it was just an experiment!

Is it ok to like one of your children more than the other?

Absolutely!

I know it's politically incorrect to say that you love one child over another. They're all "special" in their own little way, right? Bullshit! I've spoken to many parents about this and they've told me the same thing over and over again. Their favorite child, at any given time, is the one who is busting their chops the least.

If I ever have more kids, I intend to rank my love for them on a daily basis. I'm going to put a big chart up on the kitchen refrigerator and have them all compete to see who earns the majority of my love. All kids love a little competition, right?

Heck, I'll even give them pep talks to boost their morale. "C'mon, Mikey. You're in third place. You've got to step it up big time! Let's go, go, GO!"

How do you know if you are ready to become a parent?

I've said it a thousand times on this blog already.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Lindsay Lohan off the nation's highways. If you're not sure you're ready for it, you're probably not. That doesn't necessarily mean that you'll ever feel truly ready for being a parent but if you're thinking that "the whole parenting thing" might cut into your Tuesday-Friday bowling league or those weekly binge-drinking nights down at the pub, you might want to hold off before pulling the goalie.

Parenting is hard work.

It's not a part-time job. You're either in it or you're not. In order to be a good parent, you've got to commit as much time, love and wisdom as you possibly can to these tiny humans. Even when they're screaming their heads off and redecorating their bedrooms with flying poop, you've got to keep your cool.

After all, let's face it. Kids are a lot of responsibility.  I often think that some people should start off a little lower on the responsibility ladder before working their way up to having a kid. You know, start off getting something a little easier, like a job. Or a dog.  Or three days sober in a row. And then, if you can handle that, work your way up to the care and responsibility of another human being.

Look, I'm not saying that I'm a perfect parent but I like to think that I can stare between the stars into the blackness of heaven and say with a smile on my face, "I'll do anything and everything to be a good parent."

When you can say that, you're on your way towards being ready for parenthood.

Almost. 

First, get yourself a copy of "Finding Nemo."  Watch it 50 times. Pour spoiled milk all over your favorite shirt. Trash the inside of your car so it looks like a war zone. Wipe your boogers with only a finger. Eat all your meals standing over the sink. Now deprive yourself of sleep for about a year.

Ok, NOW you're ready!

Comments

[Writer Dad]

50 times. That's it?!?! Metro Dad, you're lucky. Not just that it's only 50 times, but that you got Finding Nemo instead of Cars.

[Leslie K]

I think my new favorite phrase in the English language is now "sea pickle." I can't wait to use that in conversation.

[always home and uncool]

I would be most concerned about women who write to you -- MetroDAD -- with their breastfeeding questions. You're a talented guy but biology is against you on that one.

[Tricia Lewis]

Coming over here to read your take on parenting always puts me in a good mood, MD. I'm totally one of those stresser moms who worries about everything. Sometimes I just need to keep it all in perspective. Thanks.

[Brina]

Our neighbor breastfeeds her 5 year old also. It's the creepiest thing.

[Maternal Mirth]

"Sea Pickle" almost made me wee myself ... wonder what nickname that would have given me???

[Scott]

My younger brother Robert is a big-time corporate attorney in Washington, DC. He hobnobs with politicians and VIPs all the time. In his spare time, he is also a professor at Georgetown.

However, when he comes home for the holidays and he's surrounded by his five older brothers and sisters, we still refer to him as "Booby"

Why? Because when he was two years old, he would constantly run around and grab women's breasts!

[JDG]

Glad to hear that I'm not the only man out there who tried his wife's breastmilk. You're right. It DOES taste a little like vanilla ice cream.

[Marsha]

You know, it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if people actually did write to Hugh Laurie for medical advice.

[P2H]

Once again, I've lost all faith in my fellow Asian brother to give sound advice. Is this a cultural thing? Besides, wearing women's clothing isn't just fun as a kid!

[Father Muskrat]

I gotta stay sober for 3 straight days? Fuck that!

What if I want to strap a little boy doll to my crotch while dressed like a priest on Halloween? Oh wait. You already did that, as I recall, so it must be okay.

[momomax]

Wow. I would NEVER ask you for advice on parenting. Who are these crazy people??

As for that pediatrician of yours? I broke strict orders to be on bedrest to interview that guy because another friend of mine travels down to his office from the upper east side for her kids. Instead, I bought the book and stopped opening it because everything he suggests basically boils down to this message: stop being such a paranoid asshole and let your kid raise himself.

As usual, good post.

[Maureen]

Thanks for answering all of my questions:)
I wish I had know about sea pickles because that would definitely be my daughter's nickname. Thank god we're past all that.
But, dude... even if I had done all of those things to prepare for parenthood, I wouldn't have been prepared for the screaming bundle that they sent home with me from the hospital 6 years ago. It's tough, awesome, and always changing.

[ShotgunDaddy]

Dude, love the idea of ranking the kids. Now all we need to do is come up with some complicated (and completely opaque) formula to determine the rankings and a catchy acronym -- perhaps F.I.B. for "Future Inheritance Breakdown." That would get their attention.

[Helena]

Last night, I told my kids about the new ranking system that was going to be put in place. They couldn't tell if I was joking or not. But you know what? They were ALL on their best behavior last night. You're a genius, MD!

[Lauren]

My God, you are so hilarious! Great post, as usual!

[jennster]

Sea Pickle! my new favorite word!

[Courtney]

Fantastic post. Parenting is hard work, indeed! People really ask you for breastfeeding advice? That makes me laugh. You're rather unequipped for that, yeah?

[Jason]

Nice! Good to see the things that perturb you as well!

[landismom]

Mmmm....chart for ranking the children. Genius, MD!

[kribss]

you are my freak'n hero!

[Chris]

Your blog's wonderful. Neil has you as his Blog Crush of the Day. I'm paralyzed with fear as I type - my grammar sucks. I killed the grammar knowing brain cells with wine.

Parenting is very hard work, and your final paragragh is the perfect summary. When my mother gets in our car, she says, "Christ. It looks look squirrels live in here."

[Beth]

I made the grave error of reading this while at work, and my useless efforts at concealing my laughter did not go unheeded by fellow co-workers.
I have been down the "new parent/new baby" path three times, although one of those three times was with a set of twins, so it actually resulted in four kids. And your list of replies was totally on target based on my personal experience. I would also add in your response to "when are you ready to be a parent" that you'll know you're ready when you do raise a dog from puppyhood, and find yourself thinking "This was a walk in the park! How hard can a human baby possibly be", and then you find out that putting an infant in a crate is considered neglect in most states.

[PA]

God I love your blog. Makes me laugh every time.

[Linda]

You really need to write the ultimate parenting book, MD. I think it would be HUGE!

[sue]

omg...that last paragraph is so stinking true!~ LOL!

[Mom101]

Frankly, these answers are way better than the ones from the folks who actually do have the degrees and fancy initials after their names.

I totally dare Dr. Sears in his next book to answer poop quesions with, "Ewww. That is so freaking gross."

[mo-wo]

You = Hugh Laurie. Certainly, Darling.

I just want to know where Peanut will go to kindergarten??? Private or Public. We're dying over here.

[Gemma]

"Jeez, Dad. That was like 30 years ago. Let it go already. I told you it was just an experiment!"

Hah! I just laughed so hard, I snorted. Now my coworkers are looking at me funny!

[ang]

ha ha ha ha ha! I just LOVE IT when there are new posts in your blog. It makes my DAY! - - - yeah, I should probably get a life, but THANKS for cheering me up today!

[Christy]

My mother refuses to get in my car. Every time she does, she ends up finding some food that one of the kids left buried under the seat three weeks ago. The boys and I don't even notice the smell anymore. How sad!

[Amanda]

On the whole favorite kid thing, my parents TOTALLY did (and still do, even though we are now all adults) this with us. Playing off the BCS rankings for football, we had BCS (Best Child System) rankings as well.

Mostly it was just a joke, but whenever we would do something bad someone would say "Oh, you just dropped down in the BCS rankings" or if we did something extraordinary we would yell "Oh, yeah I'm moving up in the BCS rankings!" It has become kind of an ongoing joke when we are all together.

[Stella]

I read these out loud to my MIL on the phone this afternoon after you swung by my 'pad' - and by the way, THANKS - we're tickled khaki (i'm allergic to pink and blue) - anyway...these were hysterical.

I especially enjoyed your breastfeeding remark.

[Laura]

at work i go crazy looking up great blogs.. cant believe i only just stumbled upon yours.. its by far my favourite.. :)

[Maria C.]

Finally a voice of reason in the sea of parenting madness. Great post, MD. I always think that people spend so much time worrying and freaking out about parenting that they become paralyzed with fear. Kids need guidance, love and discipline. Everything else tends to work itself out. Trust me. As the mother of 5 kids, I know these things!

[MetroDude]

"Eat it or wear it." Strangely reminiscent of "drink it or wear it." I miss Scumby and Frankel sometimes.

[creative type dad]

"Their favorite child, at any given time, is the one who is busting their chops the least"

So true.

You deserve a Ph.D. I'll send it to you in the mail written on a napkin.

[Anita Ovolina]

In Italy parenting is the sink or swim approach for both kids and parents.

Whenever I talk to my parents about parenting and kids they tell me that kids are resilient and that I should focus on having fun even as a mom, it goes by quick.

Of course after this they move on to try and guilt me into being a 'bad' daughter because I am not teaching the girls Italian...

[The New Girl]

SEA-PICKLE!

OMG.

[Reveda]

Nice to read a completely different perspective of another daddy blogger...

I blog for my not even 5 month old and it is fun to write things after entering inside her mind....

[Suzanne Chan]

Hi MetroDad! I've been following you for a couple years now and finally writing a comment... you never cease to make me laugh and put a little humor into parenting...thanks!

[Mathi]

MetroDad, somebody with a Dad blog - I don't think it was you but I'm hoping you know who it was ?? - had a post a while back about teaching their kid to take a very direct approach to playground bullies (think, fight fire with fire) - afterwards the involved kids became great pals. Since I have the highly politically incorrect idea that this has some merit sometimes, could you post a link if you happen to remember this? Thank you!

[morninglightmama]

Oh, pooping in the tub... it wasn't until a good 7 years into my life as a parent that I had the JOY of experiencing that little event... sadly, on more than one occasion... now that my second child (ha! #2!) has learned to control her bowels, if not her crazy-ass emotions, this isn't a problem. And #3 doesn't seem to be a fan of it, so hopefully we're in the clear.

Pitifully, I've blogged about the poop in the tub adventures of my crew-- http://mteblog.blogspot.com/2007/12/theyre-like-machines.html.

Just got turned on to your blog by a friend-- I think she knew I'd love your comments on this particular topic!

[Shannon F]

omg that is too funny I am not sure what part was even the funniest I just love your blog....

nemo is too bad though i prefer it to the 1 wiggles dvd i had to watch all day every day for 1 year

[Baby Carriers Backpacks]

When we had our first, I needed some milk for my coffee, Of course I didn't have any. So I though,,,,, "why not" whem I say that brest milk in the fridge... and a new addiction was born, lol

[Wil]

You are so funny. I love to hear what you have to say and so do my co-workers. I am glad that you have a care enough to tell the truth.

[ugg outlet store]

I really enjoy reading you blog which spirit me up and pursue for future.You really an outstanding person just the same as your articles.I really have a nice time with you.Thank you very much!

[cupcakes]

The whole information is a big help for both parents and child.

[Dr. Stephen Doyne Phd]

I sure hope this blog is meant for humor, because the fact that you don't have a background in "pediatrics or child psychology" is painfully obvious.

Perhaps instead of offering bad advice, you should refer people to someone who *does* have a background in "pediatrics or child psychology."

[Jane K.]

"Dr Stephen Doyne" is an idiot.