Two for Tuesday

NEVER BET AGAINST BLACK

For the past two weeks, I’d been hyping up the Super Bowl to my daughter.

I told her how it was a magical day filled with all-you-can-eat ribs, baked beans, and more creamed corn than she could ever envision. Naturally, as she always does these days, she looked at me like I was crazy and went back to playing with her stuffed porcupine (affectionately named “Porky.”)

This past Sunday, I asked her who she wanted to win the big game. Without flinching, she turned to me and said, “Barack Obama!”

I told this story to a friend of mine this week who happens to be not only a dyed-in-the-wool NYC liberal Democrat but also a major fundraiser for Barack Obama.

She also happens to have a daughter around the same age as the Peanut.

Prior to the election, my friend was elated to hear her little daughter staunchly declaring her devotion to Barack Obama. Between home and school, everyone she knew was endorsing Obama. How could she NOT be influenced by those whom she loved?

However, after one specific conversation with her little girl, my friend realized that her daughter’s devotion to Obama was the result of more nefarious influences. She told me that, shortly thereafter, she found herself at her daughter’s pre-school declaring, “Ok, I’m not mad but I just want to know. Which one of you teachers told my daughter that if McCain is elected, he’s canceling Christmas?”

Brilliant!

Naturally, I’ve now begun making up bedtime stories about how the NY Yankees are scary monsters who hide under the bed and make little girls eat vegetables until they throw up.

Go Mets!

COOKIES ARE FOR CLOSERS!

When my daughter and I first started playing Candyland together, my natural paternal instincts were to let her win. I’d selectively shuffle the cards and purposely tank games just to see her overwhelmed by happiness. After each win, she’d jump up and down for joy, give me a giant hug, and then very earnestly shake my hand while saying, “Good game, Daddy.”

Then I realized that I wasn’t doing her any favors by letting her win. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and it was my job to help indoctrinate her into that harsh reality.

Now, some seriously humorless individuals have criticized Candyland as a moronic game of chance, arguing that the message of the game teaches children that they are powerless, that destiny is determined by pure luck, that the only chance you have of winning lies in following the rules, and accepting the cards as they come.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we’ve found our nominee for “Sourpuss Dad of the Year.”

Are you fucking kidding me? I started playing Candyland with my daughter when she turned three. Why? Not because she couldn’t understand the rules of chess but BECAUSE SHE WAS FUCKING THREE!   

I wholly side with Tom Armitage who writes, “Candyland is a great first game; literally, the very first. It teaches turn-taking. It teaches the mores, the manners, and the culture of playing boardgames. I’m totally fine with the idea of a game to teach you how to play games. After all, there are loads of games that teach you all manner of things; what’s wrong with the ideal of the first one teaching you about the medium itself?”

I couldn't agree more with that sentiment.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, the Peanut and I had a marathon battle of Candyland. She won the first game, jumped up for joy, and yelled, “Ha ha, Daddy. I won!”

I was pretty peeved about her being a bad winner so naturally I decided to take this opportunity to impart one of my infamous parenting life lessons.

I stacked the cards in my favor and beat the Peanut in 5 straight games of Candyland. I made sure the games weren’t even close. I crushed her. After every victory, I did a touchdown celebration dance, started singing “We Are The Champions,” and gave mini-speeches praising the almighty Jesus for allowing me to be such a kick-ass Candyland player.

Proud of myself for demonstrating to my daughter how NOT to act in the face of victory, I turned to look at her to ensure that she was comprehending the full extent of the lesson.

What I saw was a little girl on the verge of tears. Her lip was quivering and she had the saddest look on her adorable face. Needless to say, my daughter’s tears are my personal kryptonite.

I immediately pulled her close to me and tightly hugged her in a warm embrace. I told her I was sorry that I acted like a jackass and that I was only trying to teach her a lesson about being a gracious winner. I also apologized for going a little overboard and told her how truly badly I felt. Was there anything I could do to cheer her up?

“Sure, Daddy. How about some cookies?”

Hmm…sometimes I wonder who’s playing whom.

Comments

[Rattling the Kettle]

Frequently overheard at my house: "Daddy doesn't like the Yankees because the Yankees are bad guys. Villains are bad guys, right daddy?"

We gotta take the kids to Citi* Field next season.

(*I'd be willing to lay money on it being called something else by Opening Day.)

[Shelley]

Your posts make me so excited to see my daughter grow up. She'll be 1 year old the middle of this month, and she's already quirky and hilarious; I can't imagine what she'll be like at 4! Thanks for sharing. :)

[Julie Kang]

Hey, great to hear from you, MetroDad! Did Tom Armitage mention that CandyLand is also the very first game where kids learn to cheat? I was playing with my son and this other kid a couple months ago, and the other kid, that weasel, was totally cheating on counting spaces! Like tapping the same square twice so she could land on more favorable squares.

Before then, I had no idea I had a huge cheating hang-up. I got really incensed, pointed my finger at her, and cried "You are a big cheater and I don't want to play with cheaters!" Sigh. I hate it when 4-year-olds get the better of me. :)

[Captain Dumbass]

She owns you.

[beyond]

Sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing. I think she has you wrapped around her wee pinky finger.

[Melanie]

You really are a great dad, MD. It's a pleasure watching you navigate the difficult terrain known as fatherhood. The Peanut is lucky to have you as her father.

[Julia G.]

Love all of your posts. I only wish you would write more frequently!

[Mamma Mia! Me a Mamma?!?]

Be careful...these sneaky little devils have mastered the art of the 'lip quiver', more pwerful than the headlock in WWF! My younger son is a pro!

[Esther]

Yep, she's got your number, Dad. You can't go wrong with cookies!

[Nicole Frost]

I can't believe there were TWO Candyland posts today. This is hilarious! Check this out:
http://www.flotation9.net/sweetfineday/2009/02/03/shes-just-a-kid-after-all/

[Rebecca O]

Hahaha....loved the title "Cookies are for closers!" I'm always a sucker for a good Glengarry Glen Ross line. Hope all is well, MD!

[sweet fine day]

ok, metrodad. I'm a longtime reader but a first time commenter, but it is just too weird that we posted basically the same candyland story today. What is it about NYC korean parents playing Candyland to beat their 4 year old daughters and acting like asses in the process?

[Leslie]

That McCain story is hilarious. I can't wait to tell my dad (a staunch Republican.) I'm sure he'll get a kick out of the story.

[Courtney]

I absolutely love your stories. You're an amazing writer and dude, you totally got played for cookies.

[Issa]

You are in way over your head. She's got your number.

[Whit]

The only thing bad about Candlyland is that it makes kids think gumdrops are legit members of the sweets family, which is obviously bullshit.

[Neil]

Not only do I believe Candyland is bad for the minds of our youth, I believe we can blame Monopoly for our economic crisis, by teaching our financial leaders that reckless buying and selling of real estate and "get out of free jail" cards is the norm.

[JK]

Last weekend, our teenage son beat his father for the first time in a round of golf. My husband was so upset, he tossed his putter into a pond. My son then began berating his own father about being such a poor sport and said that this was not indicative of the man who had raised him.

My husband came home with his tail between his legs. This story has the makings of family lore.

[Kristin D.]

I wanted Barack Obama to win the Super Bowl too! Actually I could care less about football. The Peanut probably knows more about football than I do. But I do love me some baseball.

Go Cubs!

[always home and uncool]

My daughter legitimately beat me the first 30 or so times we played CandyLand. She'd wake up at 6 a.m. just to beat me before I went to work. I would feign illness to get out of games.

Go Mets!

[Angie in Texas]

you got schooled! haha! that's so awesome.

[tj]

You truly know she's the winner in the end, man, she's got you wrapped around her little pinky finger.

Good work :)

[Kemp]

You got played my friend. The Peanut knew just what she was doing with the quivering lip. My daughters have, and still do, the very same thing...

[Elizabeth]

Candyland has not and will not ever enter my house, and my daughter loves board games. I think Go Away Monster is a much better game for learning how to play games. Plus it takes about two minutes to play, as opposed to the eternity of mind-numbing boredom that is Candyland.

[Tom N.]

There are quite a few really good games aimed at young kids that are also interesting (or at least not mind-numbing) for adults. "Go Away Monster" helps kids not be scared of monsters, and was Dorothy's first game. It's mostly random (you stick your hand into a bag filled with cardboard pieces, some are stuff for a bedroom, some are monsters), but includes the opportunity to yell the name of the game while throwing a piece of cardboard into a bag.

A few others I can recommend include Gulo Gulo, Hey That's My Fish, Cartagena, and Max the Cat.

Board Game Geek or ThoughtHammer are good places to buy them online.

[NG]

Come on, who doesn't love the idea of a land made of Candy? Candyland should get a pass for just that alone.

[Janelle]

My daughter just discovered the joys of Candyland. She's also discovering the agony of defeat. Man, toddlers are sore losers!

[Father Muskrat]

You stacked the cards, won 5 times, and then did a victory dance? While playing against your only little daughter? Who's 3? Dick.

[tuefelkindsvater]

It's odd. Toddlers can't LOSE Candyland. It's like some twisted magic (probably invoked by the candy companies).

Try as I might, I can't beat my little devil at that rotten game (or chutes and ladders, for that matter, which could play for 3 hours and NEVER finish!)

He's a good sport though, and gives me a hug after he beats me.

In two years (at 5) we begin the basics of chess.

[Super Mega Dad]

I can't beat my kids at Candyland or Chutes or Ladders either. I think it's a patience thing. I have no patience for either game and the kids enjoy beating me down. :)

[Ka_Jun]

Sucka! You've been played! Personally, I like playing "Cootie". Teaches the life lesson that the world is full of genetically modified roaches that you have to construct to achieve victory over your opponents. Excellent first object lesson for children to learn.

[Marlene]

Did you guys order from DInosaur BBQ again for Super Bowl?

Our our last visit to New York, we tried it based on your recommendation. My dad and my brothers are die-hard bbq addicts so they were pretty skeptical but they all ended up LOVING it! Thanks for the tip.

[Emily]

I love your recent post, which also confirmed for me my love of Candyland. I remember playing it as a child, with less serious competition than you pose, but it felt serious all the same. My memories are so visceral. The images (candy, square path, especially the squares with candy on them) bring up feelings of pure joy. I remember the table where I played it day after day. The game doesn't look the same to me now. It has lost some of the magic, but my memory of its greatness prompted me to buy it and play it endlessly with my 4.5 year old.

Thanks for indulging me a bit more with your post!

Emily
http://www.childperspective.com

[Martha P.]

My husband loses games to our children on purpose. I just sent him your post. It worked! He's now vowed to kick all their asses.

[sweatpantsmom]

I'm so sick of these PC nutjobs trying to eff with my parenting.

What kind of asshole would have a problem with Candyland??!!

One that kept getting his sorry butt sent back to the Molasses Swamp, I guess.

[sweatpantsmom]

Ahem. Sorry - I've had wine.

[6th Floor Blogger]

I like how you go right from Go Mets! to Cookies are for closers!

I'm already baking for K-Rod.

[s.i.]

Aw, how cute.

I had a similar situation with my son when he was younger. But there were no tears and no cookies involved. There was an obnoxious victory dance involved, but all it did was annoy the hell out of him. He never learned his lesson; my son is still a bad winner/sore loser to this very day.

[Jackson]

Pitchers and catchers report in 4 days, MD!

[randy bragg]

Hello fellow blogger, I stopped by your site and thought maybe you would like to swap links with me, after adding http://voiceofbragg.com with the title "Blog Till Death" to your site, message me and I will add yours...have a great day

[Henri]

^^^^ hahahaha. Don't ask me why I thought that previous comment was funny. Just stopped by to say wassup homie.

[Catherine]

Just last night I had my ass handed to me in a CandyLand marathon. Even the ones where it looked like I would clearly win, I would draw a gingerbread man. Can't come back from that.

[ang]

ooooh, So nice to see you posting again and as always, LOVE the stories about the Peanut.

[dupreesgal]

Um, I had the exact same conversation with my four year old son the morning of the Super Bowl.
Me: Ian, who do you want to win the game tonight?
Ian: Barack Obama!
Lots of laughter followed.

[the weirdgirl]

My son has recently figured out that if he cheats he can assure his win. This started with the grandparents so of course there was much chortling and letting it slide. However, then he tried it with me and I put the brakes on that crap fast. (Yeah, I'm a hardass. He's only (almost) 4. Blah blah blah.) I think you're right, boardgames should be about learning to follow rules, take turns, etc. and most important, "do unto others".

These little rugrats are smart; once they've worked out the angles they'll have you on the run.

[Daddy Geek Boy]

My kid refuses to win at Candyland. He's at the verge of winning but always wants to go back to the bottom of the board so he can take the Gumdrop Trail.

So I end up beating him every time. So far he's pretty nonplussed about the whole thing. Though I wonder if that's going to come back to bite me when he's 12.

[Purple Tongue]

I am a huge fan of the President. Please help the economy, stop steroid abuse, make young boys pull up their pants and last but not least, make sure Dick eats crow.

[How to Party with an Infant]

I'm just surprised they haven't transformed it into Veggieland or something. Whole Grain Land?

[Mom101]

Holy cow, I missed that Candyland piece. That's like complaining that using a sippie cup doesn't teach you to respect real glassware.

Thalia generally beats me fair and square. Although it's getting harder and harder to play with the three remaining cards.

[Proudfatheroffour]

Truly great analysis of Candyland. I love sitting down and playing the classics with my kids. Colors, turns, counting, what's not to like?

I usually play it the other way and stack all special cards at the bottom of the deck. That way when I'm tired of playing, I whip out one of those bad boys and the game is "magically" almost over. Plus I love to hear them giggle when I get send back for the TENTH time.

Battleship on the other hand...