Sorry for the lack of posting here, my friends. As always, LIFE has been hectic these days. However, as usual, I've got a lot of stuff on my mind that needs an outlet. Until I find some free time to write a real post, here are some cocktail napkin scribblings:
ATTACK OF THE QUEEN BEES
This past weekend, I flew out to Utah with a few buddies for four amazing days of skiing at Alta.
Meanwhile, BossLady and the Peanut were back in Tribeca doing the dreaded pre-school birthday party circuit. Last Sunday, they were booked for a back-to-back double header.
The first party was a blast. All of Peanut's school friends were there and the kids basically loaded up on pizza, ran around in circles, and stuffed their faces with cake.
The second party consisted of six four-year-old girls dressed up as princesses and playing with dolls. It was a really "girlie girl" party. The birthday girl is a neighbor in our building who goes to a different school so most of the girls were strangers to the Peanut.
When BossLady told me about the girl party, she practically started crying.
It turns out that, from the moment the Peanut walked into the apartment, all the girls started ostracizing her and purposefully excluded her from all their activities. These little pre-school bitches were mean, rude, and obnoxious. Even the birthday girl's parents felt bad. They tried to get the girls to play with the Peanut but there was nothing they could do. The girls continued to completely shun the Peanut. My daughter, being the well-adjusted kid that she is, took it all in stride and ended up playing with the birthday girl's brother in another room.
I've spoken to dozens of mothers who, at some point in their lives, have had their self-esteem damaged by mean girls and female bullies. Seeing their own daughters experience the same thing at such a young age often dregs up painful memories of the past. In fact, sometimes I think the whole thing is more traumatic for the mom than it is for the child!
Personally, I always had this image of little girls being made of sugar and spice. Now it seems like half of them are actually made of anthrax and aresenic. What does this growing trend of pre-school Queen Bees say about us as a society? Does it develop from a lack of parental oversight? Or is it part of the growing sense of entitlement prevalent in our culture?
Now, most of you know me as a relatively laid-back guy. However, I hate bullies of any sort and when I get pissed, I can be a real son of a bitch. I've already started plotting my revenge. I won't reveal all the details but suffice it to say, it involves eating disorders, giant tarantulas, prank phone calls, and fake birthday party invitations. I might even start applying for credit cards in these girls names.
Nobody messes with Daddy's little girl and gets away with it!
THE MANNERS NAZI (COMING SOON TO A TOWN NEAR YOU!)
As I mentioned, I had a fantastic weekend with a great group of guys. Back in our single days, we would vacation and party together all the time but, over the past decade, we all got married and had kids so it was virtually impossible to find the time.
Needless to say, fatherhood has changed all of us in ways that we could never imagine. Aside from the fact that we spent an inordinate amount of time on the trip talking about our kids, we also found ourselves acting reflexively in a manner that belies how much we've changed over the years.
Perhaps none so more than myself.
Saturday afternoon, we're all sitting in a spacious hot tub at a gorgeous spa overlooking the mountain. A stunningly beautiful woman leans over to me and asks me to pass her a towel.
My response?
I hold the towel away from her and, using the same sing-song voice I employ with my daughter, reply "What's the magic word?"
I think I can still hear the sound of my friends' howling laughter echoing off the mountain.
CONVERSATIONS FROM HELL
My Mother: How come you didn’t call us on Sunday night?
Me: The Oscars were on. Did you watch?
My Mother: We tried but we fell asleep before they started.
Me: They started at 8:00.
My Mother: We’re old. We get tired easily. By the way, that dustbuster you bought for us last time you were here doesn’t work.
Me: Is it plugged in?
My Mother: You have to plug it in?
Me: Aaaarggh!
MORE CONVERSATIONS FROM HELL
Me: Hey kiddo, You want some edamame?
Peanut: No. I want my mommy!
Me: Very funny. I meant, do you want these soy beans?
Peanut: Why would I want toy beads?
Me: Aaaarggh!
RETAIL THERAPY: THE METRODAD STORE FOR CHARITY
I think we all know that times are tough for everyone these days.
But if I have to listen to my personal valet complain one more time about how tasting my food is not "technically" in his job description, I swear to God I'm going to club him on the head with a loofah. Look, Julio, it's a fucking recession. We've all got to pull a little more weight around here these days.You don't see the poolboy complaining, do you?
All kidding aside, this recession is profoundly affecting virtually everyone I know. Nobody's job is secure. Nobody's future is guaranteed. And the palpable sense of fear is both very real and very frightening.
However, it's during times like these that I strongly feel it's even more incumbent for people to help those around us who are less fortunate. Virtually every charity or non-profit organization with which I'm involved is struggling for resources. They're having a harder time garnering donations at a time when the need for them is at an all-time high. The struggle is very real.
So, to help play my part, I've decided to launch an online store over the next few weeks. Since parenting is an important part of me (and this blog,) most of the proceeds will be donated to various children's charities around the world. I'm thinking of starting off by launching a line of baby onesies and daddy t-shirts with funny catchphrases on them.
Here's what I've got so far...
ONESIES
“Nobody puts baby in a corner.”
“Girls Gone Wild: The toddler years”
“Turd is the word”
“When I grow up, I want to be a Jedi”
“The Future of Hip Hop”
“Fight for your right to potty!”
“Crapper’s Delight”
“Straight Outta Daycare.”
“Where the potty at?”
“Me so ornery.”
DADDY T-SHIRTS
“Fatherhood is the new black”
“Eat it or wear it”
“Men who change diapers change the world.”
“Who’s yo daddy?”
“I’m not a playa. I just gush a lot.”
“I like it when you call me big poppa”
“I’m just the manny!”
Anyone got any ideas for more slogans for the online store? Leave them in the comments. Remember, it's for a good cause! Also, if you come up with any slogans with artwork, feel free to e-mail them to me. Thanks!
I'm with BossLady. I was SHOCKED to see the Queen Bee mentality emerge at such a young age. I first noticed it when my daughter was four also. The worst is when I see little girls being mean...and their parents are standing right there!
Never underestimate the power of nurture.
Posted by: Janelle | February 27, 2009 at 10:54 AM
For Daddy T-Shirts:
"On Diaper Duty"
Posted by: Srilatha Janakaraj | February 27, 2009 at 11:12 AM
Glad your back.
My daughter ran into in kindergarten. Her friends didn't want to play with her other friend.
I used it as a teaching example, saying one day that girl will be you. Don't treat people like that. The next day she was that girl. From then on, if a group won't play with someone, she does.
I picked her up from after school care one day. She was playing with a girl I didn't know. I asked about her and she said, "not many kids play with her, so I play with her every once in awhile.
Not sure it's my parenting, but something is going right with my kid.
Posted by: JG | February 27, 2009 at 11:15 AM
I wanna buy the “Men who change diapers change the world.” shirt. Now.
Posted by: Jay | February 27, 2009 at 11:17 AM
Ooo, I love Janelle's idea. Kudos on the great idea, I know lots of parents who would buy clothing with such a good heart behind it all!
Posted by: tj | February 27, 2009 at 11:22 AM
Welcome back, MD. I've missed you!
Posted by: Heather P. | February 27, 2009 at 11:26 AM
Queen bees ugh! I have been lurking and reading your blog for over a year now and you always have good posts!
I have a three year old boy and the other weekend at the park in our neighborhood three little "queen bees" asked our son to get off the swing so the three of them could swing together. My husband was standing right there, and they were so rude to our little guy. They were probably 6 or 7. My husband said "no, he is swinging right now and just got on" the girls said "he's a baby, he can go on the baby swing" then our lil man spoke up and said "no! you can go on the baby swing!" Go little dude tell those little brats where it's at! We were proud.
Posted by: Colette | February 27, 2009 at 11:31 AM
Want a combo for the Jedi shirt for my daughter and Fatherhood's the new black for me. Thanks.. Great blog! I think I've never left a comment before, but it rocks! Thanks again!
Greetings from Mexico
Posted by: Mario | February 27, 2009 at 11:35 AM
kids can be cruel. stories like that always shock and astonish me. where does that kind of behavior come from? were these kids not taught well by their parents? is it too much tv? is it their diet? pfff.
i love your onesies idea.
Posted by: beyond | February 27, 2009 at 11:44 AM
"I might be a Dad Blogger but I'd still kick your ass."
Posted by: Black Hockey Jesus | February 27, 2009 at 11:52 AM
oooh, and for the onesies:
"I make the rules"
"I think I think.. who woulda thunk it?"
C'mon MD.. we need a contest for the best oneliners!
Posted by: Srilatha Janakaraj | February 27, 2009 at 11:53 AM
I'll take one of each of those t-shirts. I'd love some onesies but that would involve getting the wife pregnant. Should probably talk to her about that first.
Posted by: Captain Dumbass | February 27, 2009 at 12:04 PM
Onesies:
"Milk Feed Babies, Not Veal"
"Child Tax Credit: $1000"
"Salma Hayek is my Morton's" (too topical?)
Dad T's
"Fatherhood: The best thing to happen after a night of tequila shots"
"Dad: Nature's ATM"
"Part-time Surgeon (cutting the cord counts, right?)"
Posted by: jg | February 27, 2009 at 12:12 PM
Did you and your friends have a great time in Alta? I grew up skiing there with my dad. It's my all-time favorite place and we still try to get there 1-2 times per year.
Posted by: Leslie K | February 27, 2009 at 12:27 PM
I already have the "nobody puts baby in the corner" onesie for our girl. I have a picture of her wearing it in a corner. I need to post that on my blog.
Re: the mean girls, I'd invite them over and then discreetly pour a bunch of water under one's chair. Then make a HUGE deal out of calling attention to the fact that she peed herself and belongs in diapers. Then, I'd spank her for messing up you floors. Publicly.
Posted by: Muskrat | February 27, 2009 at 12:46 PM
Holy Crap "Eat it or wear it" would SO fit my husband since we've watched so many episodes of that I'll never forget the jingle. Any time he'd wear it I'd have to chime in the "yeah yeah yeah! dun dun dun!"
Posted by: Kelly | February 27, 2009 at 01:07 PM
Daddy T-Shits
"Chicks dig my daddy"
Posted by: John | February 27, 2009 at 01:26 PM
Jeez, our buddy ski trips just used to be up at Whiteface.
Skiing at Alta? Grr, must - resist - jealousy...
Posted by: evan | February 27, 2009 at 01:30 PM
Here's one of my favorite sayings that would be perfect for a onesie.
"Tits are for kids."
Posted by: J-Dog | February 27, 2009 at 01:42 PM
Hey, I live in Sandy, at the bottom of Little Cottonwood Canyon and was skiing at Alta on Sunday. Who'da thunk you'd be there too. Hope Utah treated you well!
Posted by: Liz Schubert | February 27, 2009 at 03:21 PM
Oh, c'mon, I want a Mommy one! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY T'S. Ahem, sorry. I just became that girl.
I HATE mean little girls and quite possibly, their parents more.
Posted by: k | February 27, 2009 at 03:41 PM
How about simply "METRODAD." White letters, black shirt.
Posted by: Blythe | February 27, 2009 at 03:46 PM
I know my husband will buy every single one that you have listed. Tomorrow when we will meet with some friends we haven't seen in a long while, he plans to put a black onesie that says "I only cry when ugly people hold me" on our sweet 10-month-old baby girl. You have no idea how excited he'd be to hear this news. Sigh.
Posted by: Uma | February 27, 2009 at 03:46 PM
I hate mean little girls. I also hate mean tween girls and mean high school girls. It's unreal how cruel girls can be! I remember a girl inviting another girl to her house purposely to ostracize her. In junior high, a "friend" told me that she and our other "friend" no longer wanted to be friends with me...just because. To this day, I hold resentment against that bitch - then again, I'm significantly more successful. If anything, mean girls teach non-mean girls exactly how NOT TO BEHAVE. Go MetroDad!
Posted by: TJ | February 27, 2009 at 04:13 PM
For Daddy's
"This is a rental, my real kids in the shop."
I actually use this line when my 4 year old has a public meltdown.
Posted by: karla | February 27, 2009 at 04:32 PM
" i childproofed my house but they keep getting in" -saw this on facebook and "blogging dads are HOT!"
Posted by: kribss | February 27, 2009 at 04:50 PM
I taught preschool and I can tell you the meanies come out really early, unfortunately. One thing parents forget is that kids this age are smart. Really smart. In my opinion the best way to beat the beast (figuratively) is to first, be honest with the offender. They know what they are doing but they do not realize the repercussions or implications. Meaning, when you sit down with a mean tot and look him or her in the eye and say "By leaving out Peanut you are making her sad. Do you want to make her sad?" Most kids do not realize the cause/effect thing. That simple exchange has (fortunately and unfortunately) brought little ones to tears. All they know is that they are having fun and even that they are being mean - but not that it's making someone sad - or maybe cry. It's also easy to ask, "How would you feel if you wanted to play with Peanut and she said no?" And after that, at age 3 or 4, you make them play together and you insist/require that they PLAY NICE. And they will, more often than not. In the preschool environment it was not tolerated and we had an "everyone can play" and "we're all friends here" philosophy.
What's this mother like, I wonder.
Sorry Peanut had to experience that, even if she had fun with the brother.
Posted by: Amy Nathan | February 27, 2009 at 05:00 PM
Laughing out loud at "What's the magic word?".
And the suggested "Dad: Nature's ATM" is a must for a T-shirt.
Posted by: Steve | February 27, 2009 at 05:06 PM
How do little girls become such bitchy divas at such a young age?
"Nobody puts baby in a corner" is already a onesie (at least here in San Francisco). That aside, I would totally shop at your store.
Posted by: Gayle K. | February 27, 2009 at 05:41 PM
I always forgot how much I miss your posts until I see them pop up in my bloglines. WRITE MORE PLEASE!
Posted by: Estelle | February 27, 2009 at 06:56 PM
LMAO at the vision of you in the hot tub saying "what's the magic word?" Reminds me of the time I saw my husband animatedly speaking to a woman at a picnic about sleep training, potty training, and pre-school admissions. He was so wrapped up in all this parenting talk, he didn't even notice that the woman's breast had popped out of her top!
Posted by: Kaitlin | February 27, 2009 at 07:21 PM
Make sure the store is up by Father's Day, MD! They would make great presents for all the dads out there.
Posted by: Mama J | February 27, 2009 at 07:21 PM
Hey! We were in Alta last weekend also. What a great time to be there, wasn't it? Fresh powder AND spring temperatures? Pure heaven!
Was the hot tub you were talking about the one at The Cliff? How gorgeous is the view from there?
By the way, if you ever go with the Peanut, Alta has great ski programs for kids.
Posted by: Kristie | February 27, 2009 at 09:49 PM
As soon as that store goes up, I'm buying all of those onesies and t-shirts. You're a good man, MD.
Posted by: B-Daddy | February 27, 2009 at 09:50 PM
In the bath today, I thought of another one for your onesie collection: No Bath Till Brooklyn
(Crappers Delight made me snort fizzy water out of my nose.)
Posted by: nonlineargirl | February 27, 2009 at 11:02 PM
Means little girls: because their moms/dads LET them. I wouldn't care if it were her f'in coronation - if my child acted like that, I'd give her a choice: be nice to everyone or tell everyone to go home. Pretty simple when you're 4x their size - why do parents cower??
Posted by: Grace aka blackbelt | February 27, 2009 at 11:15 PM
"Mean," not Means. Aargh.
Posted by: Grace aka blackbelt | February 27, 2009 at 11:15 PM
"because I said so."
My husband has a Neighborhoodie with DADDY in Red Biker letters across the front, that seems to stop traffic regularly.
Posted by: sarah | February 28, 2009 at 12:44 AM
So funny, MD. Your dialog with your mother sounds like EVERY conversation I have with my own. Soooooo annoying.
Posted by: Ellen | February 28, 2009 at 08:32 AM
Unfortunately nobody puts baby in the corner has already been done. And yes, I give it to all my friends who have girls. It's pretty darn funny!
Posted by: Holly | February 28, 2009 at 09:55 AM
Is it so wrong that I now want to punch a roomful of 4 year-old girls?
And I'm glad to see that I've got a male partner to my female Etiquette Bitch
As for onesies, let's tawk. We get so many pitches for slogan onesies at Cool Mom Picks, I can tell you which of those hasn't been done yet...
Posted by: Mom101 | February 28, 2009 at 10:21 AM
We haven't come across too much of the mean girl thing yet, though Maggie did have the experience once of being left out at a 6 year old birthday party. The girl who invited her was a casual acquaintance and she didn't know the other kids - - Maggie is very outgoing but they did NOT include her. She took it all in stride. I liked the comment that kids this age probably don't know the consequences of their behavior - - I'll remember that one. I've never seen it in the boys yet - - what's with that?
Posted by: Elaine at Lipstickdaily | February 28, 2009 at 10:57 AM
I always love coming here and reading about parenting from the dad's perspective. Another great post, MD. Thanks!
Posted by: jasmine | February 28, 2009 at 08:47 PM
I once saw this on a baby shirt
"He did it!!" Then there is a big arrow pointing to the father..
Posted by: May | February 28, 2009 at 10:48 PM
Sugar and spice? Sorry, little girls are MEAN! Not to mention moody and dramatic. My heart goes out to Peanut.
Posted by: momto3cubs | March 01, 2009 at 01:57 AM
"Kids are like pancakes... you always f*ck up the first on"
Posted by: dylandog | March 01, 2009 at 02:25 AM
Sorry, I mean - "Kids are like pancakes... you always f*ck up the first one"
Posted by: dylandog | March 01, 2009 at 02:26 AM
Onesies:
- "Mostly Human".
- "Ask my uncle, he's single, but smart". (for when uncle takes baby for walks)
- "They think it's funny now, but wait till i'm 16"
- It's borrowed, but amusing "Batteries not included"
For dad:
+1 vote for 'metrodad'.
Posted by: mbd | March 01, 2009 at 04:30 AM
I think all the t-shirts should have your profile picture (you, Peanut & MetroDog) as a logo on the sleeve of the shirt. Wouldn't that be cool?
Posted by: Katy | March 01, 2009 at 08:39 AM
"Padawan" for the onesies.
And re. Mean Girls, I am so not looking forward to this. My girl just turned two and I am completely with you on the actions have consequences front. Make 'em pay, Metrodad! Just make sure you tell us all about it afterwards.
Posted by: Wendy | March 01, 2009 at 11:31 AM