Show Me The Funny! (A Pre-Schooler's Guide to Stand-Up Comedy)

One of the best reasons for having kids is because they are an endless source of entertainment.

And because, like most Americans, I have the attention span of a gnat, I have a constant need to be entertained on a regular basis. Needless to say, times are tough for guys like me these days. Network television has entered the dreaded off-season. My beloved Knicks are utterly unwatchable. And the local multiplex is filled with ridiculously stupid movies about disobedient dogs, teen vampires, and detestable brides. Somebody fucking shoot me.

I therefore find myself spending a lot more quality time with my four-year-old daughter. And you know what? She is funny as shit.

Now I've spent a lot of time with some seriously funny people and there is nothing better than when they're in "the zone." Years ago, a buddy of mine and I had dinner with Jon Stewart and he had us laughing so hard that we were practically peeing in our pants. Another time, I was at a cocktail party and watched Jackie Mason hurl insults at people that were so funny that guests were practically lining up for the abuse. And, for the record, Jimmy Fallon is even funnier in person than he is on television.

Last night, the Peanut was in "the zone."

Earlier, we were eating ice cream together. Suddenly, my dreaded lactose intolerance kicks in and I tell her that I'm going to the bathroom. With both her cheeks filled with so much Ben & Jerry's ice cream that she looked like some sort of weird Asian chipmunk, the Peanut raises her head, gives me a thumbs-up sign, and yells out, "Go for it, dude. Good luck!"

When I come back from the bathroom, I find her strapped into her car seat with her underwear on her head and wearing her blue sunglasses. When I ask her what the hell she's doing and where she thinks she's going, she yells out "I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" She then starts singing The Fixx's "Saved By Zero" (Thanks, Toyota!)

I then lie down on the couch, close my eyes, and let her play in her little den by herself. However, every five minutes, I hear her talking to herself and I can't help but start laughing my ass off. Sample comments include "How come I can't open this freaking Play-Do?" "Holy cow, I'm a genius!" and "Hmm, I wonder if pink milk comes from pink cows."

While tears of laughter are streaming down my face, I suddenly realize that the Peanut doesn't find any of this half as hysterical as I do. The stuff that has me in stitches doesn't do a thing for her. Likewise, the things that make her cry with laughter usually make me roll my eyes and shake my head.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I now give you The Pre-Schooler's Guide to Stand-Up Comedy. The following are all guaranteed to make your average pre-schooler pee their pants and fill their pull-ups.

1. Noun + "Head" = Funny

The phrase "poopy-head" is like a kid's version of the classic stand-up comedy routine, "The Aristocrats." Say "poopy-head" to anyone under 3' tall and you'll hear howls of laughter.

Like "The Aristocrats," the joke can be modified in many ways but will still be uproariously hilarious ("Banana head" and "Cookie Head" are popular variations these days.)

2. Visual Incongruities

Elephants in tutus. Flying pigs. Cows on rollerskates. Men in dresses. Show kids pictures of any of these and they'll laugh their asses off. I get how it's funny the first time. How the hell is it still funny the 812th time?

3. Mistaken Identity

My younger brother looks strikingly similar to me. Sure I'm taller, better-looking, and dress better but there's no denying the resemblance. Sometimes when my brother goes to visit the Peanut at daycare, a few of the kids will run up to her and say, "Your daddy's here!" The Peanut thinks this is one of the funniest things in the whole world.

Of course, this is coming from the same kid who, two years ago, would run up to every Asian man she saw and give them a big hug while yelling "Daddy"---even when I was standing right next to her and holding her hand!

Oy, the irony...

4. Insanely Stupid Knock-Knock Jokes

Ever hear a bunch of little kids tell knock-knock jokes? After 5 minutes, you'll want to bang your head against a wall.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Banana!

Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock!

Knock-knock. Who's there? Nobody's home!

Aaargh!

5. Parental Pain and Torture (aka Guantanamo Gallows Humor)

Sometimes I'll wake up because my daughter is squeezing my nose and is preventing air from entering my nostrils. Not really funny to me but hilarious to her.

A few months ago, I stubbed my toe and was hopping up and down on one foot while trying not to scream out a barrage of profanities. My daughter was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down her cheeks.

Yesterday, I totally spazzed out, slipped on some ice, went flying through the air, and hit my ass on the sidewalk so hard that I thought I may have permanently broken it. My daughter's response? "Do it again, Daddy!"

Real funny, kiddo!

You know what else is funny? TIME OUTS. Hah!

What do YOUR kids find funny?

By the way, I just found out that apparently Monday is something called Official Delurking Day, a day when readers of any blogs are encouraged to leave a comment on all the sites that they read. According to my buddy Chris, "The Official Delurking Day is back. Read the site? Comment. Comment all the time? Cool, do it again. A little shy? Come on, comment - you know you wanna. Take it to the streets - go comment all willy-nilly all over the blogosphere."

Normally I don't subscribe to the group-think mentality of the blogging community. I generally dislike ever telling people that they HAVE to do something. However, I do find it interesting to see how many people from all over the world read this site. So, while you're welcome to leave any comment you want, I thought it would be cool if you also told me where you lived.

Who knows? Maybe next time I'm in your town, I'll buy you a drink.

Comments

[Susie P]

The best are the stalling tatics at bedtime. A few classics from Maryland:
1. Do bees eat dirt?
2. Why do monkeys throw their poop?
3. The wind is outisde my window waking me up!
4. What are you guys doing in your room?
5. You didn't hug me enough. (Can't complain about that one!)

[Childwoman]

Mumbai, India

28, single and happy..and I love your blog!! you are one funny dude!!

[wengmei]

Delurking from Singapore. =)

[LS]

Delurking from Philly! Been a fan of your blog for quite a while now! You always make me laugh, and the Peanut is unbelievably funny and cute!!!

[nic]

Thamesville, Ontario (population 1000)

Love ya!

[Jason]

HAHAH!

#4 reminds me of my daughter the first time she watched the Tea Party episode of Backyardigans!

"Knock-knock." "Who's there?" "Banana"

[sooki]

a lil late, but great post!! hilarious. just recently started reading your blog and i think it's quite entertaining. btw, delurking from spokane, wa.

[Leanne Koh]

writing from San Francisco, CA. I found you through AngryAsianMan.com.
Oprah just did a show about motherhood. they should do one on fatherhood and have you as a guest!

[Allie]

I just found your site today while looking for baby gifts for a friend. I am reading it while I'm on a conference call at work - I just read this story and when it got to the bit when you slipped on the ice, I laughed so hard that I startled half the office, had tears running down my face and had to put myself on mute from my call.

I just rejoined my call and had to pretend I have a nasty cough - they now think I have swine flu...

Officially delurking from London, England.

[sham]

pj malaysia! i didnt know you had so many malaysians reading your blog! keep it up dude!

[Hea]

from Singapore
I read your entries to destress from my 3 kiddos. Love it.

[Monica]

Jakarta, Indonesia :D
Find your blog just a week ago. Love it!

[Lauren]

This comment post comes about a year and a half late (due to a belated blog discovery), but I thought, "What the hell, why not?"

Houston, TX.
I'm actually a teenager, but I find your posts pretty flipping hilarious. When I reach the old--I mean ripe--age of my 40, I hope I will be able to achieve a similar mixture of insightful maturity and immaturity.

[Veljko]

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[Iyliia]

Just lovely! I usdteo do something liek that but with tissue paper. Take forever, but very rewarding! thanks for sharing today... I am totally trying this one out!~ Emily N. from "too Blessed 2 Stress"

[Evi]

Saurabh Rajadhyax Posted on There are no easy answers / snlotious to the issues raised by the incident As always tendency will be to argue whether this is an law & order issue or a societal issue etc etc. The obvious answer to this is that is it is a combination of multiple issues1) Law & Order Something is an deterrent if folks know that if you do the crime you do the time. In our justice system, unfortunately it takes a lot of time to decide whether someone has to do the time. More often than not guilty are acquitted while innocent languish in jail. Specific to this incident I am assuming on all available evidence, this will be an open and shut case. Hopefully the witness friend will stay strong (public awareness of the case will help here). Police also will do its job unless there is political intervention. Constant monitoring of such cases is the only way I see to maintain pressure and ensure that everyone concerned does what is right.2) Societal issues This is where the main issues come up. Someone will say, folks belonging to certain states, communities, class, literacy levels etc etc are prone to indulge in this kind of behavior. I am not sure if statistically or even anthropologically we can prove any of this. But let us not forget that many of us including the industry the author works in have in myriad of ways contributed to the situation.For example if we look logically, Vivek Oberoi did the right thing by calling that press conference and talking about Salman's physical abuse of Aishwariya. May be he did it for publicity, may be he thought that was a way to build relationship with Ms. Rai but heck he did what many of us we will do i.e. Raise voice against abuse/violence against women. Just look at the reactions within and outside the film industry to figure out how Vivek and Salman were perceived after that press conference.

[Heejung]

Varsha Posted on I was working in Mumbai for 5yrs & have some of my best meeroims there! I took pride in midnight walks on Carter Road without a worry Sadly it shattered when I read this! The Mumbai I knew stood up to wrong, believed that there was no place for cowards, was united in grief, made women feel safe (even though there were stray incidents on the train even then) & more importantly respected women! What bothers me is that the DNA of most metros is changing & suddenly taking a cab after 9pm makes me anxious! and reading about incidents like these does nothing to my morale!I watched Keenan's dad & Rueben's brother on the Times Now debate last night they were so dignified & calm! There pain is beyond what we can imagine & yet they are being so brave. I wish from that horrible night, atleast some people have the balls to come forward & be witnesses. Its Keenan & Rueben today, tomorrow it will be YOU!

[Sumanjita]

Vikram Posted on This is tragic. I am so sorry for your loss. How can we even be close to be caelld a responsible society when incidents like this exist. We boast about our culture when we don't even understand the basics of human behavior. I have been living in Australia for the last four years, and haven't even come close to witnessing an incident where a girl has been harassed by someone, forget the latter of bringing swords and killing somebody. This is not a law and order problem. It's education. It might take a generation to fix, but hopefully people are working towards it. Having a mob to defend self hurt, or to prove self pride should be shunned. I hope this incident incites some change. I hope Ruben died for a reason. God bless his soul.

[Arterz]

Posted on It's unbelievable the aumnot of trauma women go through after entering the period of adolescence. I remember quite a few incidents of being groped on my way back to home from school, in an autorick and so on. Mothers teach us right from childhood, how to be prepared for such incidents', not think too much about them and just move on. In our state too a a young police official, Bapi Sen, was kicked and beaten to death by his own colleagues for protesting about them harassing a woman. This can't go on forever. We can't go on witnessing the deaths of Keenans and Reubens and all the Bapi Sens of our country and do nothing.

[Zambol]

Posted on How can anyone feel safe in Mumbai unesls such savage murderers are hanged? Only after that happens will disgusting creeps who paw women offensively on our roads or like those youth who badmouthed your wife be afraid and millions of ordinary Mumbaikars, both men and women, who work hard and (most important for politicians PAY TAX, feel a semblance of faith revive in their city again.

[Rafaqat]

Akshat Oswal Posted on The basic problem here seems to be the lack of unarsetdnding of what a grave crime they have committed . It may not be an offence which has a punishment of more than 1 year but the trauma the victim has to undergo is tremendous.

[Melissa]

Hmm, I attempted to vote for #20, but the Share link did not cfonirm my vote, or take me to another page I did not see another option on which to click in order to submit my vote Perhaps I am doing something wrong? Great work Stacy <3 all of these images

[Jasmin]

shweta Posted on This is very annoying , Everyone is gnitteg so used to situations like these, and hoping it doesn't happen to them.Thats ALL ! completely ignorant That's an overall Laid-back ATTITUDE , there is no value of a human LIVE OVER EGO !People doing this should be hanged to death .. right away ..and taste their own medicine !

[Hossam]

xylem369 Posted on @shamaldeolekar1 Well mate i am speaking for mylesf only..if you enjoy it y get bothered by my comments. FYI i came here coz i like SRK n respect him..but this Subhash Ghai guy..he really irritates me with his movies. I thougt coz this has got shahrukh this must be entertaining, its not even that. And the director dont know what story he is pitching to the audience-Love story btw arjun n ganga or the love for ones country. This guy is fucking retarded..ruined my sunday morning!!

[Elif]

xylem369 Posted on Such a bullshit movie!! Apart frm songs and some bits n ckhnus the whole movie is crap! subhash ghai tera sooraj isiliye doob gaya madarchod..tujhey movie ki gaand bhi nahin banani aati..bas paisa hai to showman bana firta hai thts y u will neer be able to come back nobody likes piece of crap ganga ki aaulad!! chutiya saala!!

[Stefan]

linkleisure Posted on hurt others!? i cant think of a reiglion that has more blood on its hands, not to mention the persecution of homosexuals and denying condoms in Africans, stop the hate death and discrimination become an atheist, learn to love thy neighbor , but for real, without the lies.and get the hell out of politics,

[Yolanda]

tjgautam Posted on zzindagi ko sab nay hi loota hai kabhi sapno nay kabhi apno nay , har sapna sapno say hi toota hai kabhi apno say ,kabhi sapno hi say (GAUTAM)

[Kay]

Red Velvet is also a favorite here in the Midwest. The cream csehee frosting is the icing on the cake. There is a package of Little Debbie's Petite Red Velvet Cakes on my kitchen counter as I type. Although I took two nieces and SIL to lunch today and one niece admitted she has never tried it.Good news on the English deli front. No purchaser appeared so the owner is going to shift hours and menu items and continue business. The various menu items around the luncheon table were fish (with salad instead of chips); shepherd's pie, salad, salad with a side of mashed potatoes, scone and coconut cseheecake. The salads were the choice of the college seniors. And the owner had prepared tradtional English Hot Cross buns. I ate one at lunch and brought one home for tomorrow morning. (Sent 6 home with SIL and girls for that family)Gnome, the family gathering sounds like fun. Do the older cousins look after the younger? That was always a fun dynamic to watch with the nieces and nephews in my family.

[Abdellah]

Hi Bumz! I'm home! It was a great party. You should have seen all the litlte kids! My cousins all have grandchildren between the ages of two months and and nine years. There were over a dozen adorable kids running running around having a ball, because we were at an indoor pavilion at the big park in town. Betsy has met most of them, except for the three that have been born since that visit!Thanks for all the knock knock jokes, P2 I am always in need of new ones for the litlte kids I hang out with.We had a delicious chocolate cake and an Italian cream cake after a lunch of barbecue. Theodore is so happy I home. He is rubbing and purring all over me The dogs are clamoring for their walks, but it is still 83 out, so we need to wait for the sun to go down a bit.

[Rindi]

in Paradise?It's cold here, might snow tomorrow, and maybe even down to veally. So far the snow has stayed up in the Sierra, and we have only suffered lots of big wind. That is a California report, but works for Nevada too. The snow melts and runs down on either side of the big mountains. A lot of our water for Reno is naturally stored in Tahoe. For other places in western Nevada, there is no upstream storage and when the snow is all melted and gone, zippo, rivers begin to dry up.

[James]

Yes you can use them to write checks get cash etc. BUT it is a huge mkatsie!Rip the checks up ASAP they give you 6 months with 0% interest but charge you a fee to cash the check and they know you can't pay it all off in 6 months. They will get thier money from you don't fall into this credit trap!Live debt free! It is a wonderful feeling.

[Selda]

Absolutely beautiful! They are iedend two little miracles a double blessing. She's my Cupcake and he's my Snickerdoodle . They're such beautiful babies and these pics really captured their sweet personalities. I also love the family shots. Simply gorgeous!

[Amnon]

Make sure you dont write a check for more than your credit limit and also look at what the rate goes to after the intro rate. Also some have a upofrnt fee of say 3 percent of the cash advance

[Josiane]

My sweet friend, renaidg your story brought tears to my eyes every child is a blessing, yours is simply divine .May God bless you and continue to bless your beautiful family!love ya, Marirosa

[Soulyvone]

Hello,Just wondering if you can send any info about the Grandparent and Me' caimpng program. Our campground in Ontario is always looking for new programming and this idea seems promising.Thank you for your time,Janice Myer

[Paulette]

@larusalesbi Russian girls are attractive lkooing, however the majority of them have been given a bad reputation because they are well known across the world as no good gold diggers.

[Taftanaze]

To say they are beautiful chldrien is not quite enough. To say Ms. K is a Diva is more like it! And Master C will break every heart within 100 miles! And they look just like Mommy and Daddy.

[Mickael]

After posting my oraingil comment, I was taken to a page that had the VOTE button However, once again, upon clicking it just kept spinning, and never gave me any sort of confirmation Anyway, my vote is for #20

[Lucilda]

Posted on Do you people have a foocbaek fan page? I looked for one on twitter but could not discover one, I would really like to become a fan!

[Karen]

laurie magotiaux - Oh you are such a tease!! They both look yummy! I will have to get to the shop first thing after work on Tuesday!! The hspeipat New Year wishes to you too Marcy!

[Sajan]

Robin Bhat Posted on October 13, 2011Long Live Kishore Kumar.A poem ( To a Skylark', by Shelley) to recall his voice, whose sniarts will always be one of our most cherished companions, alway with us, whenever we need him:Hail to thee, blithe Spirit!Bird thou never wert,That from heaven, or near it,Pourest thy full heartIn profuse sniarts of unpremeditated art.Higher still and higherFrom the earth thou springestLike a cloud of fire;The blue deep thou wingest,And singing still dost soar, and soaring ever singest.In the golden lightningOf the sunken sun,O'er which clouds are bright'ning,Thou dost float and run,Like an unbodied joy whose race is just begun.The pale purple evenMelts around thy flight;Like a star of heavenIn the broad daylightThou art unseen, but yet I hear thy shrill delight Keen as are the arrowsOf that silver sphereWhose intense lamp narrowsIn the white dawn clearUntil we hardly see -we feel that it is there.All the earth and airWith thy voice is loud,As, when night is bare,From one lonely cloudThe moon rains out her beams, and heaven is overflowed.What thou art we know not;What is most like thee?From rainbow clouds there flow notDrops so bright to seeAs from thy presence showers a rain of melody.Like a poet hiddenIn the light of thought,Singing hymns unbidden,Till the world is wroughtTo sympathy with hopes and fears it heeded not:Like a high-born maidenIn a palace tower,Soothing her love-ladenSoul in secret hourWith music sweet as love, which overflows her bower:Like a glow-worm goldenIn a dell of dew,Scattering unbeholdenIts aerial hueAmong the flowers and grass, which screen it from the view:Like a rose emboweredIn its own green leaves,By warm winds deflowered,Till the scent it givesMakes faint with too much sweet these heavy-winged thieves:Sound of vernal showersOn the twinkling grass,Rain-awakened flowers,All that ever wasJoyous, and clear, and fresh, thy music doth surpass.Teach us, sprite or bird,What sweet thoughts are thine:I have never heardPraise of love or wineThat panted forth a flood of rapture so divine.Chorus hymenealOr triumphal chauntMatched with thine would be allBut an empty vaunt A thing wherein we feel there is some hidden want.What objects are the fountainsOf thy happy strain?What fields, or waves, or mountains?What shapes of sky or plain?What love of thine own kind? what ignorance of pain?With thy clear keen joyanceLanguor cannot be:Shadow of annoyanceNever came near thee:Thou lovest, but ne'er knew love's sad satiety.Waking or asleep,Thou of death must deemThings more true and deepThan we mortals dream,Or how could thy notes flow in such a crystal stream?We look before and after,And pine for what is not:Our sincerest laughterWith some pain is fraught;Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.Yet if we could scornHate, and pride, and fear;If we were things bornNot to shed a tear,I know not how thy joy we ever should come near.Better than all measuresOf delightful sound,Better than all treasuresThat in books are found,Thy skill to poet were, thou scorner of the ground!Teach me half the gladnessThat thy brain must know,Such harmonious madnessFrom my lips would flowThe world should listen then, as I am listening now!

[Johanita]

Maybe you can schedule his party berofe Calebs, therefore no expectations? Kids that age mostly don't care anyway as long as they get to rip open some presents and eat the icing off some cake.

[Jules]

I like your blog. Do you feel validated now? :) Happy Birthday to Gabriela! Mine is on the 28th. I like to think you are taknig off to celebrate mine! Ha ha ha. Thanks ever so much for stopping by.

[Kenneth]

Suhas Patil Posted on Namaskaar Kautubh saaheb,It was great to see your mail after a long long time and I was happy to see the good news about the wbeiste of Kishoreda.In fact, I was discussing about you in the last week to one my office colleague on the day of KK’s birth anniversary ….and what a coincidence, here you are with a wonderful wbeiste.I am really happy to see this and also happy to see that our server has not yet blocked this wbeiste. Otherwise, normally, all the sites are blocked by our IT Security. Congratulations to you, Pavan and all other your team members for such a great initiative. I have visited the site & looks wonderful, but will go through thoroughly later.I am really happy to see that I will be again link to Guru and also to all of you by this wbeiste. Special thanks to you.With kind regards

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