One of the best reasons for having kids is because they are an endless source of entertainment.
And because, like most Americans, I have the attention span of a gnat, I have a constant need to be entertained on a regular basis. Needless to say, times are tough for guys like me these days. Network television has entered the dreaded off-season. My beloved Knicks are utterly unwatchable. And the local multiplex is filled with ridiculously stupid movies about disobedient dogs, teen vampires, and detestable brides. Somebody fucking shoot me.
I therefore find myself spending a lot more quality time with my four-year-old daughter. And you know what? She is funny as shit.
Now I've spent a lot of time with some seriously funny people and there is nothing better than when they're in "the zone." Years ago, a buddy of mine and I had dinner with Jon Stewart and he had us laughing so hard that we were practically peeing in our pants. Another time, I was at a cocktail party and watched Jackie Mason hurl insults at people that were so funny that guests were practically lining up for the abuse. And, for the record, Jimmy Fallon is even funnier in person than he is on television.
Last night, the Peanut was in "the zone."
Earlier, we were eating ice cream together. Suddenly, my dreaded lactose intolerance kicks in and I tell her that I'm going to the bathroom. With both her cheeks filled with so much Ben & Jerry's ice cream that she looked like some sort of weird Asian chipmunk, the Peanut raises her head, gives me a thumbs-up sign, and yells out, "Go for it, dude. Good luck!"
When I come back from the bathroom, I find her strapped into her car seat with her underwear on her head and wearing her blue sunglasses. When I ask her what the hell she's doing and where she thinks she's going, she yells out "I'm going to AUSTRALIA!" She then starts singing The Fixx's "Saved By Zero" (Thanks, Toyota!)
I then lie down on the couch, close my eyes, and let her play in her little den by herself. However, every five minutes, I hear her talking to herself and I can't help but start laughing my ass off. Sample comments include "How come I can't open this freaking Play-Do?" "Holy cow, I'm a genius!" and "Hmm, I wonder if pink milk comes from pink cows."
While tears of laughter are streaming down my face, I suddenly realize that the Peanut doesn't find any of this half as hysterical as I do. The stuff that has me in stitches doesn't do a thing for her. Likewise, the things that make her cry with laughter usually make me roll my eyes and shake my head.
Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I now give you The Pre-Schooler's Guide to Stand-Up Comedy. The following are all guaranteed to make your average pre-schooler pee their pants and fill their pull-ups.
1. Noun + "Head" = Funny
The phrase "poopy-head" is like a kid's version of the classic stand-up comedy routine, "The Aristocrats." Say "poopy-head" to anyone under 3' tall and you'll hear howls of laughter.
Like "The Aristocrats," the joke can be modified in many ways but will still be uproariously hilarious ("Banana head" and "Cookie Head" are popular variations these days.)
2. Visual Incongruities
Elephants in tutus. Flying pigs. Cows on rollerskates. Men in dresses. Show kids pictures of any of these and they'll laugh their asses off. I get how it's funny the first time. How the hell is it still funny the 812th time?
3. Mistaken Identity
My younger brother looks strikingly similar to me. Sure I'm taller, better-looking, and dress better but there's no denying the resemblance. Sometimes when my brother goes to visit the Peanut at daycare, a few of the kids will run up to her and say, "Your daddy's here!" The Peanut thinks this is one of the funniest things in the whole world.
Of course, this is coming from the same kid who, two years ago, would run up to every Asian man she saw and give them a big hug while yelling "Daddy"---even when I was standing right next to her and holding her hand!
Oy, the irony...
4. Insanely Stupid Knock-Knock Jokes
Ever hear a bunch of little kids tell knock-knock jokes? After 5 minutes, you'll want to bang your head against a wall.
Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Banana!
Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock. Who's there? Knock-knock!
Knock-knock. Who's there? Nobody's home!
Aaargh!
5. Parental Pain and Torture (aka Guantanamo Gallows Humor)
Sometimes I'll wake up because my daughter is squeezing my nose and is preventing air from entering my nostrils. Not really funny to me but hilarious to her.
A few months ago, I stubbed my toe and was hopping up and down on one foot while trying not to scream out a barrage of profanities. My daughter was laughing so hard, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
Yesterday, I totally spazzed out, slipped on some ice, went flying through the air, and hit my ass on the sidewalk so hard that I thought I may have permanently broken it. My daughter's response? "Do it again, Daddy!"
Real funny, kiddo!
You know what else is funny? TIME OUTS. Hah!
What do YOUR kids find funny?
By the way, I just found out that apparently Monday is something called Official Delurking Day, a day when readers of any blogs are encouraged to leave a comment on all the sites that they read. According to my buddy Chris, "The Official Delurking Day is back. Read the site? Comment. Comment all the time? Cool, do it again. A little shy? Come on, comment - you know you wanna. Take it to the streets - go comment all willy-nilly all over the blogosphere."
Normally I don't subscribe to the group-think mentality of the blogging community. I generally dislike ever telling people that they HAVE to do something. However, I do find it interesting to see how many people from all over the world read this site. So, while you're welcome to leave any comment you want, I thought it would be cool if you also told me where you lived.
Who knows? Maybe next time I'm in your town, I'll buy you a drink.
Delurking from Hong Kong. I discovered your site when the Peanut's Halloween costume was featured on Shanghaiist.com. I then spent the next two days reading your archives. As the mother of twin girls about the same age as the Peanut, I love hearing all your stories!
Posted by: Emily | January 11, 2009 at 09:09 PM
My kid is only two. The only things he finds funny are poop and throwing food on the floor. Hard to argue with those though. Even at the age of 38, I think they're funny.
Posted by: Jack B. | January 11, 2009 at 09:10 PM
Hey there, Esther from NE Wisconsin. Our house is full of boy humor. Burps? Hysterical. Farts? Even better than burps. Thank God I have a girl!
Posted by: Esther | January 11, 2009 at 09:13 PM
Yours is my favourite blog. if only you wrote more often.. you fill in the gaps in my working day perfectly. Peanut can coming visit me in Australia.. undies on her head and all. Ash
Posted by: Ashleigh | January 11, 2009 at 09:32 PM
A Big Howdy from Central Texas....please no political comments at this time....I just think you are a fun dad, and you remind me of my husband and I as we parent our three. Keep it up, I love hearing your ramblings!
Posted by: Denise | January 11, 2009 at 09:34 PM
LOVE your blog, writing style, commentary. Thank you for sharing your stories with all of us, I'm writing from DC.
Posted by: Noemi | January 11, 2009 at 09:41 PM
From Iowa... looking forward to that humor in our house as our 2 yr old starts to discover it, well, maybe not the parents' pain part. Thanks for all the laughs!
Posted by: Kate | January 11, 2009 at 09:44 PM
Delurking from Westfield, IN. My two year old is hilarious and thankfully, all it takes to get him to laugh right now is for me or his dad to start laughing. I'm sure those days are numbered...
Posted by: punkinmama | January 11, 2009 at 09:55 PM
A girlfriend recommended your site. I don't even have kids but I love reading your stories about being a parent in New York. It's my second favorite city!
Sophie from Sydney, Australia.
Posted by: Sophie | January 11, 2009 at 09:55 PM
Delurking, and claiming the spot of second male commenter. Hah.
I'm from a combination of southern Maine, Pittsburgh (not by choice, trust me), and Fuzhou. Toss in Beijing for good measure.
Enjoying the stories and laughs. Your preschool guide to humor couldn't possibly be more accurate.
[commence much more lurking]
Posted by: andrew | January 11, 2009 at 09:57 PM
Hi Metrodad,
Im new to the blogging world, and really enjoying the humour you find in hanging out with your 'peanut'. I have two small ones of my own (seriously nutty too). I read your'Preschoolers Rules' to my 9 year old, and she is fully in agreement. She says the other thing she does to make her 4 year old sister laugh, is sing extra silly worlds to nursery rhymes. It makes them less boring. "Row row, row your dog gently down the stream" ...Hmmmm....probably a visual incongruity.
Posted by: Jen | January 11, 2009 at 09:58 PM
Mainly I love your blog because I enjoy hearing your hilarious stories about parenting from a dad's perspective.
Also you remind me of my husband (right down to the Asian lactose intolerance!)
Posted by: Jane from L.A. | January 11, 2009 at 09:59 PM
delurking 'cause "Go for it, dude. Good luck!" ? That's some funny shit.
Posted by: Lisa | January 11, 2009 at 10:02 PM
Austin, Texas, soon to be Boston, MA. Guess I'll have to learn to spell Massachusetts.
Posted by: Janssen | January 11, 2009 at 10:09 PM
Since you asked so nicely I'm de-lurking from the Whitsundays in Australia.
Peanut is one funny kid, and you've got pre-school humour spot on. Pre-school humour knows no international bounds.
Posted by: Kin | January 11, 2009 at 10:10 PM
Hello from Vancouver, Canada. Love your blog...it's one of my favourites!
Posted by: jenny m. | January 11, 2009 at 10:12 PM
It's posts like this one that make you the only daddy blogger I ever read.My wife and I always find it hilarious that we have this little kid who makes us laugh our asses off twenty times per day but has the worst sense of humor in the entire universe.
Chi-town!
Posted by: Mick | January 11, 2009 at 10:13 PM
Another Sydney mom here. Why are you so popular in Australia? I thought you were my own little secret! ;o)
Posted by: Karen | January 11, 2009 at 10:16 PM
Park Slope, Represent!
Posted by: Phil B. | January 11, 2009 at 10:16 PM
I practically feel guilty for delurking! Been reading your site for years and have never left a comment.
Madison, Wisconsin.
Posted by: Professor Pete | January 11, 2009 at 10:18 PM
Best.Critique.Of.Toddler.Humor.Ever! You nailed it, MD.
Montreal.
Posted by: Heather | January 11, 2009 at 10:20 PM
I'm from Portland, OR.
Posted by: Blythe | January 11, 2009 at 10:32 PM
Delurking to say...Can you please write more frequently?
Boulder, CO
Posted by: Jessica Martin | January 11, 2009 at 10:34 PM
Love reading about Peanut - makes me think I may actually want... a kid?
Posted by: mia | January 11, 2009 at 10:36 PM
As a fellow Korean-American dad with a daughter roughly the same age as the Peanut, I want to thank you for providing great humor, insight and wit on the topic of fathering. It's been a real joy.
Posted by: JDP (Chicago) | January 11, 2009 at 10:37 PM
Metrodad: Still loving your wonderful blog on parenthood, culture and anything you care to write about.
Hope you can visit us! We're in Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posted by: Sophie | January 11, 2009 at 10:37 PM
I'm with Mia. I'm 25, single and don't plan on being a parent for many years. But I love reading your stories about raising your daughter in Manhattan. It almost makes me want to have a kid right away.
Almost!
Emeryville, CA
Posted by: Taylor | January 11, 2009 at 10:39 PM
You are SO on with your list of humor! You had my husband and I laughing out loud at your list.Our two boys are 5&3, and their favorite? Calling each other Maccroni-head and Cheese-head, or pajama head. Or stinky-diaper. I just have to shake my head.
Oh, and we're in Centeral Indiana--I love your insights!
Posted by: Tina | January 11, 2009 at 10:47 PM
Delurking: Absolutely love your posts! Do write more often :) Sangeeta from India
Posted by: | January 11, 2009 at 10:47 PM
Hello from California. Keep it up!
Posted by: Lisa | January 11, 2009 at 10:48 PM
Love your site. You're hilarious, and I love reading the stories about Peanut. It's not everyday you hear fathers sharing about their kids. Although I wish you would post more often.
Hope your new year is off to a great start!
Posted by: Tina | January 11, 2009 at 10:50 PM
OMG, this post was hilarious. My husband and I are howling with laughter. Keep up the great work, MD.
The Coopers in Vancouver.
Posted by: Nina C. | January 11, 2009 at 10:51 PM
not de-lurking, been posting for a while, but HAD to comment about the pre-school humour.
My 3yr old (Teufelskind) finds NOTHING funnier than poop (except for, perhaps, head injuries and their accompanying noises). I still get the giggles from a good cranial trauma, but I'm hoping he grows out of the poop jokes. I don't want him to join a frat :)
He's just developed a taste for the stupid knock-knock joke too. Let me know when the Peanut phases out of the joke phase. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the both of us.
Posted by: teufelkindsvater | January 11, 2009 at 11:00 PM
My Boo's 5 YO favorite joke:
What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear?
Nothing. He can't hear you!
BWAHAHAHAHA!
Posted by: Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas | January 11, 2009 at 11:01 PM
Definitely not a group-thinker myself, so I feel better about de-lurking for a comment on Sunday, rather than the prescribed Monday date. My present domicile is in Cleveland, OH but I'm a Jersey Girl forever. I have an almost three year old whom I photograph constantly and one of my regular ways to make her smile naturally is to utter "poopy head"! Great blog - I've been a fan for ages.
Posted by: Kats | January 11, 2009 at 11:09 PM
Goodnight Toaster! HAAAHaahhhaaa
Goodnight BananaHead! HAaaaa
Goodnight Toejam! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Goodnight Boogernose! HEEEheeeee
Goodnight Streetlamp! Hooohoooo
Goodnight SlimyWormChocolateSpaghetti! HEEHOO
Goodnight MommySillyFace!
Good times from Phoenix.
Posted by: kristi | January 11, 2009 at 11:14 PM
If you ever make it to Austin, drinks are on me.
Delurking to say thanks for all the laughs over the years. Your love for your daughter is truly inspiring.
Posted by: Nick | January 11, 2009 at 11:18 PM
Hi there, I'm a Singaporean Chinese. Love your site, read all your posts. Can't stop laughing every time....
Posted by: bee | January 11, 2009 at 11:21 PM
Norfolk, VA. Your website cracks me up! I like your style.
Posted by: Angie | January 11, 2009 at 11:25 PM
Yes, nothing funnier than seeing a parent howling in pain.
Thanks for the laugh. Good to see you writing again.
Rachel in the LBC
Posted by: Rachel | January 11, 2009 at 11:28 PM
Like you, I recently spazzed out. I slipped on the kitchen floor, did a total face plant, and ended up breaking my nose. There was blood everywhere. While I was writhing in pain, my two little kids were laughing like hyenas.
No doubt I'll be bringing that up when they first ask me for an allowance!
SF native. Now an expat in HK.
Posted by: Derek | January 11, 2009 at 11:33 PM
Thanks for the funnies!
Salem, Oregon
Posted by: becca banana | January 11, 2009 at 11:37 PM
From San Francisco, CA. Love your stories... they make me want to someday have kids.
Posted by: Emma | January 11, 2009 at 11:37 PM
Delurking from San Francisco. Found you when angryasianman posted about your daughter's Halloween costume, which is hands down the funniest thing I came across in 2008.
Posted by: Lilly | January 11, 2009 at 11:39 PM
* Waves hands *
Delurking for the first time from practically across the world. From Calcutta, India infact.
Love the site. Stayed up all night one day reading through the archives. The peanut is one seriously funny child. :D
Posted by: march hare | January 11, 2009 at 11:41 PM
Hello! I read often but comment almost never. I live in the lower Midwest...basically the Upper South, really. It's colorful!
Posted by: velocibadgergirl | January 12, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Vancouver, BC.
We're just entering dirty-poopy-diaper-head phase. Oh, the joys.
Posted by: mandy | January 12, 2009 at 12:04 AM
Hi Pierre, I'm de-lurking here in Boston. I've been reading your blog for years, and it's one of my absolute favorites. Our daughter is around the same age as Peanut, so some of my fatherhood experiences have coincided with yours -- minus the celebrities, of course. Incidentally, I'm a fellow Cal alum. Keep up the great writing!
Posted by: Chris | January 12, 2009 at 12:16 AM
I'm always incredibly touched by your complete love of your daughter. In many ways, it also makes me sad that I never had a father who loved me the same way.
Bridget from Palo Alto.
Posted by: BG | January 12, 2009 at 12:25 AM
Lincoln, Nebraska.
Young, single, child-less woman--and I still think your posts are hilarious!
Posted by: Katie | January 12, 2009 at 12:26 AM