It's Breast Not To Ask!

When it comes to pregnant women, my misguided attempts at chivalry frequently backfire.

Whether it's nobly giving up my seat on the subway or making friendly conversation by inquiring about a woman's due date, I've basically reached a point where I absolutely NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's in the hospital, has her feet in stirrups, and the baby is at least halfway out.

Unfortunately, I somehow forgot to pass this important life lesson onto my four-year-old daughter.

Today, the Peanut had her holiday party at school. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Peanut beckoning to one of her friend's moms. "Can you come here please? I want to ask you a question."

The woman walks over to the Peanut, gently leans over and says, "Hi Sweetie, what is it that you want to ask me?"

The Peanut points to each of her hugely ginormous breasts and says, "So, do you have twins inside there?"

The woman is not quite sure she heard correctly so, to my utter chagrin, she asks the Peanut to kindly repeat the question.

Regrettably, the Peanut assumes that she is being asked to repeat the question because the woman is obviously hard of hearing. So what does she do? She stands up, explicitly points to each of the woman's giant breasts again, and yells out, "I said, you have two GIANT tummies! Does that mean you have twins inside there? WHAT.ARE.THEIR.NAMES?"   

Completely mortified, I quickly pull the Peanut aside and whisper a lecture in her ear about never assuming that a woman is pregnant. I don't remember exactly what I said but I vaguely recall babbling random things like "false assumptions," "macromastia," and "mammoplasty."

Of course the Peanut looked at me like I was totally nuts and went back to shoving a giant cupcake in her face. Meanwhile, I simply made eye contact with the woman and and gave her a look conveying not only my sincerest apologies but also my total embarrassment.

However, I've got to admit that it's been four hours since this happened and I've still got an enormous grin on my face. That shit is straight-up funny. I tell you, this parenting thing is a barrel of non-stop laughs.

Ok, your turn. What's the funniest or most embarrassing thing to come out of your kid's mouth?  Special prize to the story that makes me laugh so hard that Diet Coke comes out my nose!

Comments

[Jenny]

I just wanted to say that your immense love for your daughter shines through in every post. It's really wonderful to read.

[Mama Leone]

My soon to be three year old looked a woman in W*lmart dead in her eyes and said clear as day "Lady you need a pants and shirt and shoes". She was in her pajama's and slippers. (We have told my son it is not acceptable to go out of the house in his pajama's.)
Also he calls my bra "pillow puffs" and I have no idea where he got that from.

[Naomi]

Though my daughter has definitely made me laugh, this one is about a child at daycare that was in my class.

Three year old classroom and many of the kids were still potty training. This one little boy was a late developer in this area. I'm sitting in a chair by the bathroom door waiting for him to do his thing. He's looking at me and then trying to look between my legs. He asks me with such innocent curiosity if I had marbles too. (Evidently, that's how his parents were explaining the testicles). I tell him no, only boys have them. It opens a very brief conversation about how he has them, which ends with his eyes getting really large as he exclaims, "My dad has BIG ones!"

I strained to stifle every bit of laughter when his dad picked him later that day.

[nikki]

AT the time my son was almost 3 years old and was mastering the art of potty training. We were out shopping and stopped in a public restroom. He finished his business and it was my turn. As soon as I pulled my pants down he hollers "Mommy, what a big penis you have!"

[Father Muskrat]

Just this morning, the Mrs was bent over the counter making me a healthy lunch. I thought it a good opportunity to distastefully mimic a dirty sex act from behind her. Our two-year-old was at the kitchen table having cereal and watching. She dropped her spoon and yelled, "No Daddy! No! Do not do that to Mommy."

[June]

I was working at a summer daycamp and helping one of the 3-year-old boys change into his swimsuit when he told me "a have a penis!" I just kinda nodded and said "uh-huh" Evidentally, my response was not enthusiastic enought because he countered with "it's a GREAT penis!"

[Janelle]

This may not qualify since it's not something that actually came out of my son's mouth. However it was truly embarrassing.

A few months ago, we were shopping at JC Penney for some kid clothes. My son is 5 so he thinks he's old enough to go into the changing room by himself. I just stand outside the door. Suddenly I see him fly out of the changing room, start running in circles around the clothing racks, and screaming "I DON'T WANT TO WEAR PANTS!"

The embarrassing part of the story is that he was completely buck naked!

pre-school-aged boy and father on packed express elevator...elevator stops with a little bit of a bump...little boy to father "Daddy, that made my penis wiggle!"

[suzy g]

Here a doozy: I get on the elevator with my 3 year old daughter. Two somewhat attractive men get on and say hello to my daughter. She says , "I ALREADY have a daddy for my mommy!"

[Liberal Banana]

I don't have kids, but I don't want to be left out so I'll tell you a story from when I was a kid...
We were at church for a weekly event called "SPIRIT" which involved eating a meal (made in mass proportions) down in the basement's gathering area, followed by choir practice. After we finished eating, we kids left the boring adults behind and ran upstairs into the main part of the church with the pews and the pulpit and whatnot. Being the ham I am, I went straight up into that very pulpit and starting making farting noises into the microphone - which was on. It echoed throughout the large, cavernous room. I was thrilled. I then followed it up with "Ladies and gentlemen, get out your pillows because it's time for another boring sermon!" Suddenly, parents came running in through the various entrance, shouting at us to "STOP!"It turns out the microphone was being broadcast through the entire church.

[jackie]

Funniest title of a post...evah!

[Maternal Mirth]

At a Thanksgiving Dinner with my ultra-conservative Catholic in-laws (you know it's gonna be good when you're dealing with total sticks in the mudd), my son asked for the whereabouts of his fork and knife after we finished prayer.

Only at the time, my son had developed a pretty thick Nu Yawk accent (we lived in Chicago ... go figure).

Go ahead. Say "Hey where's my fork and knife?" with a Brooklynian accent and say it fast ...

SEE?

I had to translate, but still the sounds of silverwear dropping and the burns of the stares I got after my little Taxi Cab driver asked that question ... *shudder*

[Ches]

One day as I drop my 3 year old son off with my mom...
"Nana, your car smells like Mommy's bottom."

I'm still not sure what was more embarrassing, that he knew what my bottom smelled like or that her car smelled like it.

[Sara Maria]

The funniest kid story I can think of happened a few days ago with my dear little sweetheart boy I nanny for. Hes like a little brother or nephew to me. I was changing his diaper (hes almost 3 but not potty trained yet) and he sat up a bit and saw his penis. He said "WHATS THAT SAWA???" I said, "What do you think it is baby?" and he said "HMM....ITS MY TAIL!!!!" LOL It was the funniest kid moment Ive had! lol

[Chris]

When my stepdaughter was about 2 years old we went to Chili's for dinner one night. After we had all settled into our seats and ordered drinks an African-American family walked in with their new born daughter. When they passed by our table my husband pointed to the newborn and said quietly "Look, a fresh baby!". My stepdaughter, who has always excelled at verbal skills shouted "That is not a baby, daddy! (insert long pause, where we all wanted to die at the prospect of what could potentially come out of her mouth next) That is a little girl!!!"
Disaster averted!

[Rita Arens]

At Thanksgiving, my daughter looked at her godfather and said, "Uncle Paul, you have a big fat tummy."

Then she poked it right in the middle.

I died. So did my MIL, standing next to me.

[Shelly]

These stories are hilarious, I cracked up at my office today and everyone wanted to know what I was reading.
I don't have any kids, but some of my friends do. I was in the mall with a friend and her three year old son. We went to a La Senza, which here in Canada is a bra/lingerie store. We were walking passed rows and rows of bras and after each different color her son would shout out, "Pink boobies! Yellow boobies! Orange boobies!" referring to the colors of the bras. After a few giggles we left to go to a different store and as I was trying on a shirt, he sticks his head under the stall and yells, "NAKED BOOBIES!!!"
I was still wearing a bra of course, since I was just trying on a shirt, but I was a little embarrased to say the least!

[Julia's mama]

My daughter (princessmonster)'s class at day care has 13 boys and my daughter. My daughter likes to kiss. This morning she was kissing on me again.

I; princessmonster, don't kiss boys.
my duaghter; Kiss only men!
I: Oh! Nooooooooo! Don't kiss men.
my duaghter: Aha! Kiss only women!

[AK Murakami]

My four year old has not really embarrassed me too much. But Monday at her gymnastics class, her female instructor was joking about the male instructor that walked by, saying boys are stinky. Naturally, my daughter had to tell her instructor that when her daddy makes doo doo, he makes stinky fut (fart). There is a glass wall that separates the gymnastics floor from the bleachers where parents wait and watch. I tried really hard to make eye contact and tell my daughter to cut it, but she wouldn't look at me and kept going on and on and really loud so that all the parents heard as well.

[karla]

My now 12 year old had absolutely NO Tact when he was 4 and I vividly remember wanting the earth to swallow me up when he loudly and repeatedly demanded to know of a one eyed man in the parking lot of the grocery store, what was wrong with is "nudder" eye.
When I explained it wasn't nice he to ask, he said "I wasn't talking to you, I want to know what happened to that mans "nudder" eye." I won't even go into the staring and pointing when he saw a man with vitiligo. (the real kind, not the Michael Jackson kind).

[croutonboy]

Great, thanks. I'll never be able to watch big-boob porn the same way again.

[Lin]

I have 2 embarassing kid stories.
I took my daughter (2 yrs old at the time) with me to pick out drawer pulls for my bathroom cabinets. While I was talking with one of the stores employees, my daughter was standing in the aisle next to me. She became very quiet. A definite sign of trouble. After several minutes, she tugged on my shirt and said "Mama" very loudly. I looke down to see my sweet little baby girl standing next to me, pants around her ankles, bare butt stuck out for all to see. She proceeded to yell "Crack attack!" in her loudest voice. I thought the guy helping me might choke to death on his own tongue. We left without drawer pulls.

Not long after that, we were in Barnes and Noble. In a hurry to check out, I picked my daughter up and put her on my hip to keep her from running around. She struggled to get down, but I wouldn't let her. After a few minutes of this, she yells "Mama, stop it. You're hurting my vagina!" I put her down so quickly, I almost dropped her.

[kathy]

Rub-a-dub doggie should win!

[Christie]

Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your blog. I heard about it from some of my co-workers who have kids (I don't.) Didn't think I'd enjoy reading your site but I really have. You're a very talented writer and your stories about your daughter are absolutely precious. Have a great holiday!

[Rachel E.]

During the time when we were potty-training my daughter we went out to eat at a nice restaurant one night. The place was really crowded thus the ladies room was really crowded. As I, um, sat down and um, started things, my daughter yells at the top of her lungs, "Yay Mama! You're using the potty so well! Good job!!" all the while clapping her hands. I heard a lot of snickering going on outside the stall. I was trapped. When I came out I bowed and everyone burst out laughing and started clapping.

[iDaddy]

Being filipino, we're trying to teach our 3-year-old son the language. He learned the word "teetee" which is tagalog for penis. So one day he comes up to me and says, "Daddy, I can't wait to get bigger and I get bigger teetee." The grandparents got a kick out of it too.

[samantha jo campen]

I'm CRYING from laughing so hard OMG. I totally can't wait until Theo can talk.

[Ellen B.]

Your story reminds me of when my daughter was almost four years old. We went to lunch with a friend of mine who is quite "well endowed." My daughter kept staring at her breasts while we were at lunch. Naturally, my friend and I both noticed her staring. When I asked her what she was looking at, she replied, "Auntie Jen looks like she has A TON of milk in her boobies!"

[Matthew]

At the airport last month, TheMonk and I sat watching the people walking quickly to catch their flights. We suddenly see a VERY large woman (think VW microbus) and he shouts out,

"WHOOOOAAAA! DADDY, THAT LADY IS BIIIIIIIIIG!"

[Kendra]

My embarassing moment was courtesy of my three year old niece. She had always called her doll after colors. Some days it was green baby or blue baby. The color changed on a daily basis. One day I took her to the grocery store with me and let her take the doll. As we were walking down the aisle, she dropped the doll out of the cart. She started by quietly asking "Where is my black baby?" I gave the doll back to her and she started yelling "Bad black baby!" at increasingly louder intervals. To top it off, she started hitting the doll's head on the cart handle while screaming "BAD BLACK BABY!". As I look up, I realize we are standing directly across the aisle from an African-American couple and their three small children. All I could do was utter excuse me and run away.

[Susan Wolfe]

Eating dinner, my then 5 yo. looks up and says "Goddamn mom, this is good."

I thank my Catholic upbringing for that.

[Kim]

A few years back I had my goddaughter who was about 2 at the time and my son who was about 6 months at a very upscale jewelry store at Fashion Island in "The OC" (LOL) when my goddaughter asked if I had "peanuts" I said no and she asked if my son had peanuts- I said no again. She got very upset and demanded to know which one of us had the peanuts - I'm trying to quiet her down while trying in vain to find her mom when she pulls up her dress, yanks down her panties and yells " I have a vagina and Ian has peanuts (penis!)." Yah, I never go to that store anymore!

[Issie]

This is an anecdote my African friend shared with me. A random (Caucasian) kid on the street walked up to her, and proceeded to give my friend a quick lick and called her 'chocolate'. I thought that was hilarious.

[kathy]

My husband and I have never sworn much and we tried to be more careful after having our son, but... When he was 2, we learned that despite our best efforts, he'd picked up a few things. One day, we were in a Whole Foods parking lot when a car came out of nowhere and zoomed in front of us. My husband slammed on the breaks and I exclaimed "Whoa!" Out of the back seat comes a tiny little voice: "Fuck." It happened a couple more times and always when our car gets cut off by another car. Early car rage?

[Lisse]

"I'm thirsty, can I have some?" asks my 5 year old pointing to the communion cup at church.

"That's wine, and you can't have any yet," I explain.

"Well," he says pointing to the plate. "I'll have some of the cheese."

[aviva]

my friend's story is the best one. i promise to share the prize with her if it wins.

C was about 2 1/2 and quite precocious. she loves baby dolls, still does - names all of them. for a while, she went through a food phase - one named "apple", etc.

she had behaved especially well, and her mama said she could go pick a new baby doll at the toys r us.

she pointed at a black baby doll in the aisle, and said, "THAT ONE! I WANT THAT ONE!"

mom agreed, isn't it nice that C isn't caring about color? why not!

standing in line to pay, mom looked down at C and asked, "so... what will you name this one?"

"CRACKER!" she said, without hesitation.

the black family in line behind them fell over laughing.

[Magpie]

We had called and were waiting for a cab to take us to the airport, and it was late, and we were getting nervous. A teenager walked by our house, and my four year old opened the front door, leaned out and yelled, "Hey you, guy! Can you get us a cab or what?" The poor kid stopped, stared, and ran.

[Stacy]

Well, this is the classic, from when she was three: http://stacyone.typepad.com/slices_ostacy/2005/10/its_funny_becau.html

However, just last week my now 6-year-old was walking beside me at Target, smiled sweetly at me and said, "Mommy, hold my hand!" Touched, I put my hand in hers.

She promptly pretended to pull away from me and screamed, "STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!"

Then grinned.

Rotten child.

[Scott]

That's hilarious! I have no children, but I can envision that scene! And something in the post reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw once: I'M AS CONFUSED AS A BABY IN A TOPLESS BAR!

[Megan]

We were shopping in a very crowded Costco and decided to get a hot dog for lunch. We get our food, sit down, and my 4 year old says in her loudest 4 year old voice "Mommy, look at the size of this WEINER! It's HUGE!"

[Sharon]

My 4.y.o son was having his snack with his friends in Sunday School when he declared loudly: My Daddy is a farter. When shushed his teacher, he simply repeated the statement, followed by 'My Mommy says my Daddy is a farter!'

Thing is, he was actually telling the truth because my husband is a particularly flatulent man!

[Kat]

We just recently moved to England from the states and when we got to Heathrow Airport my 5 year old daughter could NOT understand the bus driver who was speaking "proper English" with the thick cockney accent. She looked at my friend's husband and in the most sincere voice ever asked "Is that guys speaking Spanish?"

[Lucy]

My little guy is only 11 months so he has yet to publicly humiliate me yet.

But there was an incident that happened when I was teaching 2nd grade. Whenever a student asks me a question, sometimes I say, "I don't know, maybe we can look it up on the internet." That way they can learn research skills. I had a boy in my class that is very active but he is usually very attentive to class lessons but one day, he was talking non-stop.

After numerous warnings, I was exasperated and said, "Erick, why are you talking so much today?"

And he answered, "I don't know, Miss N, but maybe we can look it up on the internet."

It was a hard class that year and I tried to be very strict with them but that comeback was so good I couldn't help from smiling.

[ChristieNY]

These are hilarious! I have two boys and have heard my share of embarrassing public funnies, but this one comes to mind as particularly humiliating...

My then-2 year old and I made a quick stop at the grocery store for some milk, eggs and bread.

We were in the dairy section to pick up some milk and standing in front of us was a very large woman.

My son nearly stood up in the cart, pointing toward the woman shouting, "COW! Mommy wook! Ees'a COW! Wook, a COW! Mooooooo!"

The woman turned around, scowled at us and high tailed it out of there.

I was mortified and confused and stumbled over myself trying to figure out what just happened while attempting to grab a carton of milk.

It was then that I noticed there was a picture of a cow on the milk carton.

I seriously could have died watching my sweet little baby boy pointing and shouting "COW - MOOOO" directly at the very large woman - who happened to be standing in front of the cow-emblazoned milk.

::: faint :::

[papa2hapa]

Really? The only question I have is why are you drinking Diet Coke? Seriously, that stuff is bad for dads.

[Yarn Hungry Hog]

Remember these awkward and embarrassing moments with your child. Because when they get to be teenagers, it would be your turn to get back at them. Any slight move from the parents would be TOTAL embarrassment to them.
There were several awkward moments that I can recall of my son unleashing on me and/or his dad.
Let me just tell you that at 21, he had honed himself to utter one syllabic words and grunts to perfection. But when he was, even at less than 2 up to about 10 yo., he was non-stop charlatan.
A school headmistress even called him, LOQUACIOUS. Such a big, uncommon description for a child, don't you think? That word stuck with me forever.
Anyway, on the day of the big move to the Northwest from NYC, the family were at JFK waiting/sitting around to board the plane. To entertain himself, my son went to this guy and struck a lengthy conversation with him. The man was quite honored for a child to approach and single him out from the crowd. Of course I was there too, keeping an eye on My Precious.
At some point, I guess My Precious couldn't resist anymore, he asked in a loud voice (aren't all kids loud anyway), "HOW COME YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR ON YOUR HEAD?"
I was so embarrassed I don't recall apologizing to the poor guy, who then had everyone looking at him. I just picked my child up and left the sitting area.
Unfortunately, we had to see the man again since he boarded the same plane we did.

[Abdun]

Further to my comments on 19/12, when I said that my baby is only at the stage of talking baby talks.

Last Saturday night, my had had to work overnight at the hospital. Before she left for work, she gave our baby son three spoons of porridge, you know just to calm his emotion since he usually cries everytime she leaves.

That night, although still quite early, we noticed that he already looked sleepy. After my wife left, I wanted to continue feeding him. Instead, he went into his bedroom, closed the door half way and with him still holding the door, he called up for me. When I entered, with him uttering his baby words, he closed the door. He was obviously too sleepy to still be eating and wanted me to tuck him to bed. His body language and the way he talked to me was so funny.

While tucking him to bed, I asked him "Don't you want to eat?" and he replied "Daaahhhhh..." meaning 'yes!'

My folks and folks-in-law always ask him, whenever they talk to him over the phone things like "Have you eaten, showered, slept etc.." because they like to hear him saying "Daaahhhhh..." So, the keyword that he heard from me that night was 'eat', which was why he said "Daaahhhhh..." although he hadn't fully eaten yet.

Last night, he was playing with his car keys toy while lying down. He was pressing on the many buttons on the toy when I said to him "car.....keys". Upon hearing that, he quickly lifted his leg up. Why? because car keys rhymes with 'kaki', the Malay word for 'legs'. So cute huh? :-))

You are right! Parenting thing is a barrel of non-stop laughs. I can't wait for many other good moments to come (and hopefully, not that many not-so-good-moments in between).

Btw, my baby son is 1 year and 8 months old... and sorry, quite a long comment here!

[kathy]

Ok so we are in the car on our way home from a Christmas party and a little voice calls out from the backseat. My husband and i think he is going to thank us for such a great time and tell us how much he loves us.Uh no. He yells "When I grow up I want to have a kid just like me".

[Spacecasie]

My son, at his fourth birthday party, talking to a little girl, pointing at his dad.

"That's my Dad, I call him Brian, he has nipples, just like me!".

Okay.

[Irie]

When my oldest son was about three he used his foot to lower the backseat window and ask strange women for their phone numbers when we were stopped at lights.

My middle son also does the "are you my daddy?" routine in stores. But I think his finest moment was when we were in the grocery store and he pointed at a buxom lady wearing a tank top and yelled "she's wearing her chonies! (underwear)" The lady didn't understand and kept smiling as my son was screaming about the "chonies".

When we were at the pediatrician's office he told the doctor that he had "yellow hair". The doctor nodded and bent over to check my son's reflexes. My son then says "hey, you don't have any hair". I guess the comb over didn't fool him.