It's Breast Not To Ask!

When it comes to pregnant women, my misguided attempts at chivalry frequently backfire.

Whether it's nobly giving up my seat on the subway or making friendly conversation by inquiring about a woman's due date, I've basically reached a point where I absolutely NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's in the hospital, has her feet in stirrups, and the baby is at least halfway out.

Unfortunately, I somehow forgot to pass this important life lesson onto my four-year-old daughter.

Today, the Peanut had her holiday party at school. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Peanut beckoning to one of her friend's moms. "Can you come here please? I want to ask you a question."

The woman walks over to the Peanut, gently leans over and says, "Hi Sweetie, what is it that you want to ask me?"

The Peanut points to each of her hugely ginormous breasts and says, "So, do you have twins inside there?"

The woman is not quite sure she heard correctly so, to my utter chagrin, she asks the Peanut to kindly repeat the question.

Regrettably, the Peanut assumes that she is being asked to repeat the question because the woman is obviously hard of hearing. So what does she do? She stands up, explicitly points to each of the woman's giant breasts again, and yells out, "I said, you have two GIANT tummies! Does that mean you have twins inside there? WHAT.ARE.THEIR.NAMES?"   

Completely mortified, I quickly pull the Peanut aside and whisper a lecture in her ear about never assuming that a woman is pregnant. I don't remember exactly what I said but I vaguely recall babbling random things like "false assumptions," "macromastia," and "mammoplasty."

Of course the Peanut looked at me like I was totally nuts and went back to shoving a giant cupcake in her face. Meanwhile, I simply made eye contact with the woman and and gave her a look conveying not only my sincerest apologies but also my total embarrassment.

However, I've got to admit that it's been four hours since this happened and I've still got an enormous grin on my face. That shit is straight-up funny. I tell you, this parenting thing is a barrel of non-stop laughs.

Ok, your turn. What's the funniest or most embarrassing thing to come out of your kid's mouth?  Special prize to the story that makes me laugh so hard that Diet Coke comes out my nose!

Comments

[kwld]

Yeah, so...both sets of parents were over at our place (which trust me is a very rare intentional occurrence).
Our daughter (then almost two) couldn't really say her S's very well and frequently replaced a hard "C" sound instead.
Anyway, as we were getting ready to go outside, she came running downstairs yelling,
"Mommy, mommy, I can't find my cocks any where! Where are my COCKS?"
Nice. Now it really will be a cold day in hell before my mother-in-law likes me.

[cryitout]

Just had to share that eons ago you were at a crosswalk when the peanut said, "Wait for the white man" or something very similar. (I remember that at almost every crosswalk, just so you know.)

Well, we're walking in the city with grandpa the other day and he holds back my daughter, saying, "No, no, wait for the white guy.... oh. That sounded weird."

Indeed.

Hope all is well!

[E]

I don't have kids of my own, but I do have several nieces and nephews - all of whom have provided endless laugh out loud stories.

A few years ago my nephew (7 at the time) was in Sunday school at church where his teacher was showing all the kids a picture of Jesus talking to children. She proceeded to ask what they thought Jesus was saying to the kids. When no one answered, she said, “This is something your parents say to you every day” in the hopes that one of them would say “I love you.” Instead, my nephew raises his hand and says “Go to time out?” Apparently he had been rather naughty and my brother and SIL had been putting him in time out a lot that week…

Over Thanksgiving, my 8 year old niece was playing on the floor with her younger cousin in my mother’s kitchen when my puppy came over to get a drink of water. As he was drinking, Anna looked over at him, then up at me and said, “You know that thing [referring to his penis] that’s attached to his tummy? It wiggles when he drinks!”

When my nephew was about 4 his verbal skills weren’t all that good. My mom and sister were out to lunch with him and his two brothers when he dropped his fork on the floor. He proceeded to jump up on his chair and screech at the top of his lungs, “Focker! Focker! My focker!” My mother, completely mortified, responded in a loud enough voice so those giving them horrible looks could hear, that they would get him a new fork.

[Jennifer]

Ok, this is my mother-in-law's story about my husband, but it is priceless.

My husband, then 2, is in the cart waiting in line at the grocery store. In front of them is an African-American mother and her baby.

Baby hubby points to the other baby and says, "See the monkey."

Mom is mortified, especially since he keeps repeating it and pointing. She tells him, "No, not a monkey, a baby."

"No mama, isa monkey."

Meanwhile mother-in-law is trying to melt into the floor. The other mom is obviously getting upset and everyone around is trying to hold back laughter. Baby hubby picks up on this and is now squealing, "See the monkey" to entertain everyone.

The other mom and baby leave and everyone bursts out laughing, except mother-in-law who is apologizing profusely. But even she laughs when she tells it 25 years later.

[~annie]

When my daughter was about 4 we were driving by the local Moose Lodge with some friends and she proudly announced that "Mommy sometimes goes there and lies down on the tables!"

She was trying to let everyone one know I went to the Red Cross Blood Drives there.

[s.i.]

One night we were all eating dinner - my husband, my son, my brother, and I (holding my newborn daughter). My brother finished first and offered to hold the baby so I could finish eating.

While playing with her, he says, "I see boogers in her nose. I think I can fit my finger in there to get it out."

"NO! Don't!" I respond. Because he probably would.

"Haha. Just kidding. Imagine if I did put my finger in there. One nostril would be small and one would be all big and stretched out from my big ol' finger."

Then my son asks, "Oh, is that how our nostrils get so big?"

[Erika]

Just this morning as I was wiping my 4-yr old son's butt, he kinda groaned and said, "Ahh, that feels nice" in this husky put on voice.

[anonymous]

my kid was about 4 and couldn't pronounce the letter 'l'.
we are at this parade and he points to a soldier carrying the flag and screams-look dad, american fag!

[Susan C.]

My daughter's still at the babbling stage but my sister is famous in our family for her funny little sayings. We were kids (she was around 8) attending Catholic mass and got to the portion of the mass where the congregation is supposed to respond "Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed." This is right before communion. My sister had her head bowed, hands folded and intoned solemnly, "Lord I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall eat you." My parents gave us us the stinkeye, I was laughing so hard.

[Holmes]

That story is awesome. Stories involving boobs often are.

I think I may have mentioned this one before, but the all-time funniest thing my son has ever said was a few months ago. It was a result of his Thomas the Train obsession. There's one named Percy who, in one episode, gets covered in chocolate. Through my son's pronunciation, it came out as "Chocolate Pussy." So he'd say things like "Where's Chocolate Pussy?", or "I wanna watch Chocolate Pussy." One day my aunts were over, and he asked them if they would like to see his chocolate pussy. "Um...what?" they asked. I quickly asserted myself to explain. I'm glad his pronunciation has improved, but that shit was funny for a while.

[breast enhancement]

hmm this post is really good. lolzzz jeramy your story is quite interesting, i really enjoyed it.

[breast enhancement]

I am enjoying this post and comments, dont stop this discussion, it's quite informative

[Danniell]

Alrighty....... No kids just a nephew and a story from a friend.

Z asked his Nana where her weiner went in a packed public bathroom and she said don't worry about it so he started yelling really loud asking where her weiner was.... 2 different times!

L was taking a bath with her boy cousin. They were enjoying a bath FULL of Mr Bubbles until L stood up. Boy cousin jumped out of the water and ran screaming from the bathroom "Mr Bubbles ate L's weiner, Mr Bubbles ate L's weiner" over and over. Tramatized for life I tell you!

[Jason]

I have a few, but nothing compares to my wife with my daughter at a store, shopping for bras in a Lane Bryant with her mother. My daughter grabs a bra off the shelf, and starts running around with it in hand, the whole time saying: "I know! I know! BOOBIES BOOBIES!"

To listen to my wife retell this on my lunch break made Mountain Dew shoot out my nose.

[Cherlyn V]

Hm. Better late than never to leave a comment. About a year ago, we had company over for dinner. During dinner, my then-two-year old disappeared into my room, and came rushing back out with one of my bras in his hand. He came running to me, shouting "here, boobies! here, boobies!"

*sigh*.

[AngryReptileKeeper]

What a polite and well-mannered little angel! You sure taught her well!

[T. Farrow]

Badly raised kids and/or stupid kids are not funny. Most commenters thought this was just so cute. I would bet these are the same parents that allow their children to run around like animals in food stores and misbehave in resturants.

GodBless the childfree.

[abad]

Cute, but from where did your four year old daughter learn about pregnancy to begin with? It sounds like she learned it from dear old daddy.

[Breast Enhancement]

I think it's a nice way to share experience about health tips and information, so it would be helpful for others who are looking for some information about their issues.

[Racu]

I find that, if I just write a LOT, then I'm less likely to have wrietr's block. It also helps to have several projects going on at once if you get blocked in one project, you can move to the next one.We also did rush writes in a workshop I took. We'd be given a subject (such as a childhood memory ) and then write non-stop for five minutes. I have my own version that I use some mornings: I open a newspaper and find some small headline on page B-13 or so, and then I do a rush write about it. Sometimes it turns out to be creative writing, sometimes philosophical musings, and sometimes I end up on a completely different subject than I started with. Usually I end up with garbage, but the exercise does seem to apply a bit of neurological WD-40 to the old noggin.As for blogging? When I can't think of anything to write, I just provide links to blogs of people who did think of something to write, thus sparing my readers of the Ho hum, I'm bored and tired posts that I sometimes start to write.

[Monsecret]

Thanks Dave! Elizabeth was heavily mdoified for me tonight. I did front squats with 75lbs instead of cleans and ring dips with my feet on a box. Still reached failure early (10 consecutive was my longest stretch) and often on the ring dips. The front squats were heavy enough that I was feeling them by the end, but not heavy enough to really tax me, or make me worry I couldn't finish a lift. Which is probably good for my first time out. 10:34