It's Breast Not To Ask!

When it comes to pregnant women, my misguided attempts at chivalry frequently backfire.

Whether it's nobly giving up my seat on the subway or making friendly conversation by inquiring about a woman's due date, I've basically reached a point where I absolutely NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's in the hospital, has her feet in stirrups, and the baby is at least halfway out.

Unfortunately, I somehow forgot to pass this important life lesson onto my four-year-old daughter.

Today, the Peanut had her holiday party at school. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the Peanut beckoning to one of her friend's moms. "Can you come here please? I want to ask you a question."

The woman walks over to the Peanut, gently leans over and says, "Hi Sweetie, what is it that you want to ask me?"

The Peanut points to each of her hugely ginormous breasts and says, "So, do you have twins inside there?"

The woman is not quite sure she heard correctly so, to my utter chagrin, she asks the Peanut to kindly repeat the question.

Regrettably, the Peanut assumes that she is being asked to repeat the question because the woman is obviously hard of hearing. So what does she do? She stands up, explicitly points to each of the woman's giant breasts again, and yells out, "I said, you have two GIANT tummies! Does that mean you have twins inside there? WHAT.ARE.THEIR.NAMES?"   

Completely mortified, I quickly pull the Peanut aside and whisper a lecture in her ear about never assuming that a woman is pregnant. I don't remember exactly what I said but I vaguely recall babbling random things like "false assumptions," "macromastia," and "mammoplasty."

Of course the Peanut looked at me like I was totally nuts and went back to shoving a giant cupcake in her face. Meanwhile, I simply made eye contact with the woman and and gave her a look conveying not only my sincerest apologies but also my total embarrassment.

However, I've got to admit that it's been four hours since this happened and I've still got an enormous grin on my face. That shit is straight-up funny. I tell you, this parenting thing is a barrel of non-stop laughs.

Ok, your turn. What's the funniest or most embarrassing thing to come out of your kid's mouth?  Special prize to the story that makes me laugh so hard that Diet Coke comes out my nose!

Comments

[Elyse]

I don't have kids but I have to tell you that you always make parenting sound like the funnest "job" in the world. The Peanut is lucky to have you. Happy holidays, MD!

[Leora]

This morning, when I was picking up my daughter from kindergarten, one of her friends came up to me, looking for her gloves. She said, "Have you seen my gloves? They are pink, and they are kind of shaped like my hand." I could not stop laughing.

[Cheryl]

LOL, too funny. Nothing outrageous here, just observational comments at decibels only toddlers can reach, with plenty of pointing for extra emphasis:

"That man is FAT!"
"That woman is BLACK!"
"Your breath STINKS!"

Yes honey they are, isn't it wonderful God made us all so different? :)

[Issa]

Oh god, I have too many too mention. How's two? One from each talking child?

From the big one, when she was about four years old, to the man on the corner: Mister, why are you sitting there? Oh because I don't have a home, he says. Maybe you should get a job and stop being a bum.

Never again, did I leave her with my dad.

From the little one, not too long ago, in line at Target: Mommy look, that is the ugliest baby in the world.

Sadly, he (?) kind of was. Suddenly I remembered that I'd forgotten something (like my sanity) and we left the line.

[Erica Y.]

We were at a cheese store today waiting in line to pay. Suddenly a waft of gorgonzola overcame us. My daughter turns to me and yells, "Momma! I think this fat man in front of us just farted!"

I've never been so mortified in my entire life. But you're right. Now that the embarrassment has passed, I can't stop laughing about the whole incident!

[Trish]

My 6yr old likes to tell people I'm having a baby (true) and then proclaims he's sad about it. When asked why he matter of factly states "Because it will hurt mommy when it comes out of her bagina".

I believe the last person he told this to (that I'm aware of - his whole school could know by now) was some random lady at the bank. All you can do is just look at them and wonder what the hell just happened.

[Erin]

Oh my gosh...my first visit here and I'm hooked! Great post! Most embarrassing moment out of my son, hands down:

He was learning his colors. A new little boy started at daycare who happened to be black and his dad happened to be the UPS man. Walking to our car, we met the UPS man coming our way to pick up his son. My son enthusiastically shouted, "Hello, brown man!" referring to his brown outfit, since at the time, he was also obsessed with any UPS truck or UPS carrier. It was my very first absolutely shocking moment with him and the one that always pops in to my head when this question is posed.

[NG]

Oh my. I've got Diet Coke coming out of MY nose!

The closest thing I've got is the time we were sitting in church attending a friend's baby blessing. In between speakers when the room was completely quiet, a small, obviously female voice sitting next to me yelled out "My penis!"

[Carol]

When my now-19-year-old was four, she stood at the kitchen doorway, hands on hips and straight-faced said, "Mom, I need a damn wash cloth." "Excuuse me, young lady?!" I answered. "A damn wash cloth, Mom. I need one! Quick!" I was mortified. We never swore in front of our kids, and here was this sweet child of ours -- a potty mouth at four! She repeated herself one more time. She apparently needed a damn wash cloth. And she apparently needed it quickly.

As I stood there, perplexed and mesmerized and silently analyzing where we'd gone wrong in our parenting, she moved her hands dramatically off her hips, tossed them in the air, and proclaimed, "Fine! I'll get it myself!" And she proceeded to pull a wash cloth out of the drawer, pull a chair up to the kitchen sink, and moisten (and wring out) the wash cloth, so it was...

... ohhhhh! DAMP. She needed a DAMP washcloth!

And then she walked by me with her newly dampened washcloth and rolled her eyes as she walked by. (It was the first of many years of eye-rolls.)

Carol

[Pamalicious]

I had been in Atlanta driving around with my Philly plates way to long. Guess this was the day because the sirens went off and I was pulled over. I looked in the back seat at my then 3 year old daughter and just hoped she would just sit quietly.

I rolled the window down and as if she was waiting for her signal - as the cop leaned in she yelled at the top of her lungs.

"OH SHIT - BAD BOY BAD BOY WHAT YOU GONNA DO"

I'm African American and I turned BEET RED!! The Officer looked shocked at first but as it registered what she said he burst out laughing and actually a ticket was averted so I could get 'the little lady' home.

Fast forward to 13 and the first meeting between her and my now husband. We are sitting in a Restaurant doing the awkward dance of conversation when he asks her full name. She tells him and then asks the question back to him. He tells her and she exclaims like that 3 year old in the back seat - "OOOO YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS GUS?!" They have had a good relationship ever since.

[Jolie]

I LOVE hearing the things that come out of kids' mouths. I swear that my little niece is funnier than any stand-up comic around!

[kribss]

i've heard my daughter, who's 4 years old now, tell a lady at playgroup that her dad smells like "donkey balls" + she's also told my dad that he smells like "donkey balls". (i had to explain to him that they were selling donkey ball chocolates in a coffee shop in hawaii)

[enygma]

I don't have any children, but my mom likes to tell the story of my brother, who is four years younger than I and has Down Syndrome. A while ago, when we were much, much younger, my family went to Niagara Falls. My brother noticed a large woman walking ahead of him and our mother. He pointed her out and in a LOUD voice, he exclaimed, "Mommy! Look at that woman! She's FAAAAAATT!!!"

[Ian]

I don't know where it comes from but my 5 y.o. son has a very bad habit of grabbing strange womens' breasts. We have no idea where it comes from.

[margalit]

When my daughter was less than 2, maybe 18 to 20 months, I took her to the supermarket for a quick trip. We were waiting on line to pay and the woman directly in front of us was this enormous black woman with the whitest bleached blond wig ever. It was Suzanne Somers blond. The Girl looks long and hard at this woman, and I can see the wheels turning inside her head.

The woman turned and smiled at the Girl, who piped up in her loudest brightest voice and asked "Is your vulva clean?"

Well, needless to say I dropped to the floor in mortification, the cashier cracked up so hard she had tears going down her cheeks and the poor woman didn't quite know what to do, so she laughed too. It was horrifyingly funny.

[Jacqui]

My husband is a total guy's guy who happens to be blessed with three daughters. He's always treated our daughters like the sons he never had. Especially the youngest one who has been known to go up to complete strangers and say "What up, homie?" while trying to bump fists. It's really too cute for words.

[Chelle]

"Pardon me, Rocket!" or "Pardon me, Mater!" or "Pardon me, Sally!" or "Pardon me, Eggy!".

All of which are referring my children's a$$e$ when they fart. They have named their a$$e$! As if they have a life of their own!

(BTW, they are almost 3 and 5. So funny coming out of a girl!)

[Chookooloonks]

Aw, SHIT, that was funny.

Damn.

*wiping eyes.*

[Lisa]

So far I say Issa wins

My son at 22 months was obsessed with the wizard of oz. One morning while in the bathroom with me, he proclaimed "Mama don't have a penis. Mama have a brain."

Maybe not the funniest, but definitely my proudest moment.

[Susan]

My husband took the kids to run errands one day when Charlie was about four. He told them that one of the errands would be driving through the car wash. There was much whining, which he ignored because little boys love the drive through car wash, right?

Right.

Fifteen minutes later, he pulls in to the car wash. And from the back seat, my Preshus Baybee says, "DAMNIT I said I didn't want to GO to the car wash."

[Leslie]

LMAO!! That was hilarious, sorry this happened to you, but you're right, that shit is funny!!!

[Rohini]

LOL!

Two instances come to mind immediately with my brat:

1. We were standing next to a person with a very obvious skin condition and Ayaan pointed right at him and loudly said 'Mama, he is DIRTY'

2. He announced (loudly again) in mixed company that Mama was wearing a diaper. Enough said.

[Buffy]

I was in a home decor store with my mom and my 20 month old. I needed to use the bathroom mentioned it to my mom in a whisper. My daughter, in a very loud voice, said "You need to go poop mom?" I was a little embarassed, but my mom and I both started cracking up.

[Whit]

My kids are more into fart jokes than observational humor.

[Lunasea]

When my son was about 3, I painted his tiny toes with metallic blue polish (because he'd asked - not my idea). When I was done, he signed dramatically, looked at his feet and said happily, "Now I'm a REAL boy."

[Jen]

When my son was four or five he said "fragina" instead of "vagina". He was fascinated with the whole idea of it and wanted to talk about them all the time. One time he and I were out shopping together and I had to make a stop in the restroom. The bathroom was very crowded and I'm a little paranoid so I took him in the stall with me. As I'm sitting on the toilet my son says something to me but I can't hear him because the toilet in the stall next to us was being flushed. I ask him to repeat it and he did, loudly, just as the entire bathroom went deadly silent. "Mommy!" he shouted. "You have a really hairy fragina!"

I wanted to die. (And yet, for some reason I still tell people that story. Go figure.)

[kp]

We were waiting outside for a table at a restaraunt. My son (5 yrs old) stood next to an ashtray and started talking to some random man about all of the consquenses of smoking, ie: cancer, getting sick, etc. The man he was talking to said, "Smoking makes you ugly" and my son, without missing a beat responded, "Yeah, like you!"
I almost died, and that man's face...beet red!

[carrien (she laughs at the days)]

I went back to my home town for a visit a few years ago and for some odd reason decided to go and see if any of my favorite teachers were still around at my old high school. I took my two toddlers with me.

As I'm sitting in a classroom talking to my old english and philosophy teach, an elderly gay gentleman, my son starts trying to lift up my shirt. (He's 4 hasn't breastfed in 3 years.)
He keeps trying to see my breasts. I hold my shirt down firmly and go on talking while he starts trying to dig in from the top now. This is getting to be a little much so I tell him to stop it. "Mama,"he says, "mama! What's inside your shirt."

It was like that moment, for the first time in his life, he noticed my breasts. Dr. I is bright red and laughing so hard I'm afraid for his blood pressure while I explain, "These are my breasts, I have them to feed my babies milk, you may not play with them."

[Scout]

It's things like that which make me wish I had kids and kinda glad I don't, all at the same time.

I was on the subway once, having just come from getting my mohawk dyed blue, and a small boy of not quite school age kept turning around and peeking over his chair at me. When I didn't respond, he started peeking over his chair and sticking his tongue out at me. His mother only tried so hard to get him to stop and after a point, she just gave up. So I stuck my tongue out at the little fellow, complete with smiley-face tongue piercing. He screamed, sat down, and spent the rest of the trip completely still and silent.

His mother's reply? "That'll teach him."

[Abdun]

Hey, are u serious about giving away a prize...? Do share with us when you found the winning story that made you laugh.

Too bad that my baby is just at the stage of learning to talk, baby talk...

[guri]

My 3-year old daughter hadn't quite made it to the toilet in time and had a small "accident" on the stairs.

As I went upstairs to clean it up she shouted at the top of her voice:

"Be very careful daddy, don't step on my penis!"

Pee-ness...

[Laura Driver]

I am now dribbling Diet Coke.

We were in a shop when the 4 yr old pointed at a person and said 'what's that'. She meant was this person female or male. I had to drag her out of the shop whilst looking over my shoulder and thinking 'I'm really not sure!'.

My most embarrassing moment(s) though is this one (too long to put in a comment box!);

http://arewenearlythereyetmummy.blogspot.com/2008/08/toddler-tourettes.html

[Felisa]

Hahaha that's too precious!

Here's my story.
One time at church, we heard the really loud voice of a little kid saying, "What's THAT?! I want some! Can I have some?" as his mom was trying to receive holy communion. It was my 3 year old cousin.

And one time my other cousin (who was about 4 at that time) really did not like her mom's err... big-boned coworker. The woman asked her for a hug and she said, "You know, if I hug you, I'm scared I'm going to bounce back farrrrrr farrrrr away!"

[Felisa]

Oh and how can I forget... My aunt brought my little cousin into the bathroom stall with her at the airport (it was just the two of them). He loudly asks, "Mommy, are you pooping? It stinks!"
My aunt couldn't figure out if it was ever going to be safe to leave the stall because the people could not stop sniggering.

[misfithausfrau]

When Ella was 3 or 4, we were at a Home Depot in the paint aisle. An older woman came down the aisle. She used a cane, had moles all over her face like a witch, and was cross-eyed. It was clear that life had not been kind to this woman. My daughter took one look at her and literally ROARED, "LOOK MOMMY! Look at that FUNNY LADY. She gots CUCKOO eyes (twirling her fingers in a circular motion) and CRAZZZY SQUIGGLY HAIR! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Every person in the aisle saw and heard my daughter. I was frozen. The woman gave a look as if to say, "Well, you're not the first kid to make fun of me and you won't be the last."

[OM]

At a street fair we were waiting to cross the street at the end of the fair and a motorcycle went by. As soon as it was out of earshot, my PNUT (it was what we called her before I ever found your site) laughed out loud and said "Daddy farted" loud enough for everyone in the crosswalk to hear of course.

I get her back everyday because she's about two now and is about ass level each time I do fart.

[Regan]

I just wanted to say that I LOVE hearing these stories. I don't have children yet but I've always found the things that come out of their mouths to be insanely adorable!

[happybell]

I don't have kids of my own, so just gonna tell you "family" stories:ç

1) My mom and my aunt were playing with their dolls, in comes one of my uncles (4 at the time and younger than them) and asks to play with them. He had a history of decapitating dolls, so they refused. His answer:
" When I'm older and a girl, I won't let you play!"

Poor guy, he's on his way to 60 and still gets reminded of it.

2) My youngest cousin, at age 5, looks at this woman sitting across the aisle in the bus and asks her with a concerned look: "Why did God make you brown like chocolate?"

3) Another cousin at 4 whispered to my uncle: "Dad, you have money right? You have to fix granny's TV because it doesn't have any colors". (yeah, he's from the generation that doesn't know what's a B&W TV with no remote)

[heidi]

My husband took our oldest to the restroom in a bookstore when he was about 2 and potty training. Being so small my husband had to hold onto him so he wouldn't fall in. Cue child screaming, "Stop touching me there. Stop touching me!" at top volume. And yes, there was someone in the next stall over. My husband said he was waiting for the police to show up any second.

[Lesley]

Your stories are crackign me up. Here's mine:

My son and I were at a little diner for breakfast. Small place. Real Quiet. Tables close together. Man sitting next to us looked like he had just rolled out of bed. My 2 year old says nice and loud "YOU, need a haircut!". (His hair was sticking straight up) The guys starts explaining why he looks the way he does. I tell the man he has no reason to explain and tell my son that it is not polite to tell people they need a hair cut. My son's response "Well, he needs to shave too!".

Another funny one from a girlfreind:
Standing in line at Sam's club
"Mom, that is a BIG black lady".
She turns around with hands on her hips and says "WHY, Yes I AM!".

Have a wonderful day!

[Xdm]

Well, we call the Pizza Guy "Pizza Guy." As in, "Pizza Guy is here! Hi Pizza Guy!" Well, we ordered Chinese one night and you can only imagine what he said to the Chinese guy that delivered it.

[Liz]

I will relay a story that's been told in my family for many years. My mother was taking a bath with my sister who was around 3 or 4 years old. They were splashing around playing with her favorite toy, Rub-a-dub-doggy (plastic dog that can go in the tub). All of a sudden my mother asked my sister to be quiet because she thought she heard something downstairs. They were alone in the house and my mom was a bit nervous. So my sister is being quiet and my mom is listening for sounds and asks my sister, "Did you hear anything?"

And my sister very solemnly says, "Yes. It was Rub-a-dub-doggie and he called you a shithead."

[Pat Adams]

Out of the mouth of Jackson, my grandson...Squirming while sitting on my lap, I asked if he had to go potty. Says "no", jumps from my lap dancing around with very concerned look on his face. I asked what was wrong. He said "My weiner is stuck!".

When having a bout with stomach flu, we told his mom he had diarrhea. He tells her, "I tried to make it come out straight". I later asked how he felt and he tells me "If you eat small pieces of banana it makes your poop stick together".

At daycare Halloween party he was upset with his mom for putting an orange hat on him instead of a purple one. He tells her Buzz Lightyear's hat is purple. She told him she didn't have time to make him a purple one. He asks, innocently, "You had time to make me an orange one?"

Love that boy, and I could go on and on. His vocabulary at two would astound you!

[Kathy S.]

My 3 year old son is currently obsessed with trying to spell words. Last month we went to visit a friend's mom. Her name is Peggy. After Nicholas said hello to Peggy, he proceeded to try and spell her name:
"Peggy P-U-S-S-Y Peggy!"
Peggy didn't blink an eye and luckily we were invited back for the weekend!

[Scott]

As I was drying my 5-year-old son after his bath, my 3-year-old daughter pointed at his chest and asked "What are those?", referring to his nipples. I said "Those are nipples, sweetie, everyone has them." My son then informed my daughter that hers will get bigger, and when she's a grown-up she will be able to "milk a baby."

[VVC]

My daughter saves her "gems" for the packed morning elevator ride downstairs.

Classics include: grabbing a random man and exclaiming, "Daddy? Are you my daddy? Mommy is this man my daddy?" She does this EVERY morning. Sometimes she does it to women;

Looking up, sighing, and declaring loudly, "Mommy. I WUV MY 'GINA!" (GINA = VAGINA);

Repeatedly asking a man dressed in a suit and work shoes why he was wearing noisy shoes like a girl. "Only girls wear noisy shoes. You're not a girl! Why are you wearing noisy shoes? (stage whisper, "mommy? Is that a girl? That's not a girl!);

[ang]

Thanks for making me laugh so hard (it's an unofficial snow day so only plebians, like me, are at work!).

This story is about my god-daughter. When she was about three, we got on the subway in Toronto around rush hour. It was crowded so we were standing and inches from a seat man that had gauze bandages on his face and around his head. Some of the bandages were soaked through and some were actually seeping. My god-daughter looked at him, turned to me and (understandably so) asked "what's wrong with is face?" I tried to lean down and put a death grip on her arm and whisper to her that it was not nice to stare at people and the man had a 'ouwie' on his face so we had to be nice to him. She got the message, but occasionally over the noise of the subway, I could hear her groaning very softly "eeeeeeeeeewwwwww" for the rest of the ride!!! (as she continued to stare at the person out of the corner of her eye.)

I kept trying to squeeze her arm and give her the death stare. But for years, this story makes me laugh SO hard.

Thank you for sharing your stories!

[Katherine]

Recently my 3-year-old was taking a shower with my husband. He looked up at my husband and asked, "Daddy, why does your penis have a beard?"

[Penelope]

Bwahahaa!!! I thought your title for this post was hilarious but then I read your technorati tag for the post. That is damn funny, MD.

[jeramy]

my wife tells a story of our oldest daughter when she was about 2 years old, walking around target, and every man that they passed, our daughter would ask my wife, "is THAT my daddy?" it happened about 10 times before my wife finally just left the store.