Chaos Theory: August 2008

LET'S HUG IT OUT

Thanks to all of you for your touching comments, e-mails, phone calls and sympathy cards. I'm truly humbled by your kindness. If I could come over to your house, give each of you a hug, and take you out for a drink, I would definitely do so. But let's face it. That could take a really long time and would probably interfere with my busy television-watching schedule. Besides, I don't know your addresses. Hey, here's an idea! How about you come over to my place and I give you a hug while we watch TV together? If you could pick up a bottle of scotch and some pickles on the way over, that'd be great. I'll be the guy on the couch watching the Olympics and weeping like a little school girl.

 

MY DAUGHTER THROWS LIKE A GIRL

I recently realized that while the Peanut and I have been spending our afternoons farting on the dog, drawing funny pictures of the neighbors, and pretending to shop at Whole Foods so we can sample the free food, a lot of the other kids in the neighborhood are immersed in after-school activities like gymnastics, swim lessons, tae kwon do, or Super Soccer Stars. Really, I had no idea.

Now I'm worried that it's too late for the Peanut to catch up. I'm thinking that her only shot of achieving athletic excellence is to pick an obscure sport and master it. So, every night, as we watch the Olympics together, I ask her whether any of the sports appeal to her. Archery? Badminton? Curling?

Yesterday, after listening to me rant about choosing a single sport, the Peanut though about it it for a few minutes and told me, "I don't want to do sports, Daddy. I just want to wear dresses like a princess."

Hmmm...field hockey, anyone?

TO BE FILED UNDER "UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES"

Most of you know that I'm pathologically obsessed with instilling good manners in my daughter. It's like I'm launching my own personal war against the decay of civilization and the Peanut is my ambassador to the world. I'm sure I'm going to drive her crazy in the future. Especially when it comes to my pathological compulsion regarding hand-written thank you notes. I apologize in advance, Sweetie.

At home, I've taught the Peanut to say "excuse me" whenever she farts. The only problem is when we're in public, she'll randomly say "excuse me" to a bunch of strangers. When they inquire why she's saying "excuse me," she enthusiastically yells out "Because I tooted! Want to smell?"

NO THANK YOU!

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT NEED TO BE WRITTEN...IMMEDIATELY!

(1) "Santa Only Comes If You Eat Your Vegetables"

(2) "Stop Yelling: Mommy and Daddy Can Hear You!"

(3) "I Don't Care What Your Friend's Parents Do"

 

THINGS KOREAN PARENTS MUST SAY TO EACH OTHER BEFORE HAVING KIDS

(1) "We should definitely never talk about our feelings."

(2) "Let's cut their hair at home until they're 18. We'll use the kalbi scissors."

(3) "What else can we pack for lunch to ensure that he's teased mercilessly?"

(4) "Whenever his friends come over, make sure the whole house smells like kimchi."

(5) "Don't forget to use guilt whenever possible."

 

WIKI, WIKI...WHAT? (FUNNIEST WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES)

There's a lot of high falutin' scholarly debate about whether sites like Wikipedia make us dumber. Personally, I think these scholars should be looking at the lack of funding for public-school education or the increased prevalence of video games but hey, that's just me. I'm crazy like that. Besides, I love Wikipedia. It's a constant source of entertainment for me. Witness!

The Mermaid Problem

The Sudanese Goat Marriage Incident

Toilet-Related Injuries

QUICK THOUGHTS ON THE OLYMPICS

-Even the Peanut thinks that Bela Karolyi sounds like The Count from "Sesame Street." Every time Karolyi opens his mouth, I keep expecting him to say, "TWELVE is the number of the day!"

-Sports Illustrated is reporting that Michael Phelps is listening to Young Jeezy and Jay-Z on his ipod. Why don't I buy this? He seems more like a Hootie & The Blowfish guy.

-Speaking of music, why does floor exercise music suck so bad? Wouldn't you rather see Shawn Johnson tumble to "Who Let the Dogs Out," "Hell's Bells," or "Fight The Power?" After sticking the final landing, she could stick her tongue out and throw up some gang signs!

-BossLady and I made a conscious decision when Peanut was born that we weren't going to kiss her on the lips. Watching Nastia Liukin and her dad smooch on the lips after a successful vault confirms that we made the right decision. The Liukins have officially replaced Angelina Jolie and her brother as "Most Disturbing PDA of All-Time." Fucking Guh-ross!

-I'm sure you've all read the controversy regarding Spanish athletes being photographed making "slanty eyes" and then claiming that they're not racist because hey, they have a lot of "Oriental" friends. Of course, this is the same country who rained chants of "Monkey, Monkey!" on French striker Thierry Henry during a friendly soccer match. But hey, it's cool. Because I'm sure those Spaniards had a lot of black friends too. So to show solidarity with my Spanish brothers and sisters, I will spend the next week being completely fucking lazy, drinking cheap wine, taking 3-hour naps, avoiding showers, and getting my ass kicked by Italians, Moors, Germans, and the French. But hey, it's cool. I have a lot of Spanish friends. Ok, not really. I hate those slimy bastards. Fuck you, Spain!

-By far, the best coverage of the Olympics has been on The Onion. Aside from articles like "Hurdler Overcomes Many Hurdles To Win Hurdle Race," my favorite has been "Green-Clad Olympic Archer Steals Gold Medals From Rich, Gives Them To Poor."

REJECTED OLYMPIC SPORT: TODDLER TOSSING

Rejected Olympic Sport: Toddler Tossing - Watch more free videos

Although I would never do this with my own daughter, I would totally do it with someone else's kid. I think I would be fucking awesome at it. The only thing I might do differently is spray a little rosin on the kid first. You know, as an additional safety measure.

In all seriousness, I've watched this video about a dozen times. I can't decide whether it's a shining example of Darwinian stupidity or whether I'm just a nervous nelly. There's a good part of me that wants to report these people to the proper authorities. Clearly, their parenting license needs to be revoked.

It's interesting because we're now at that stage where the Peanut feels compelled to try and give me a heart attack every single day. If I take my eyes off her for one second, I'll look up and see her climbing scaffolding or picking up trash from the street and putting it in her mouth. Thankfully I only have one kid. I don't know what I'd do if I were outnumbered.

In fact, there's an idea for a new Olympic sport. Put one person in a room with 20 toddlers. If you make it out alive after 24 hours, you get the Gold!

Winner gets their face plastered on a Wheaties box.

Comments

[Nina]

MD, so glad you're back. I hope you and BossLady are holding up alright.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm a big lip kisser. Charlie is not. (With the boys, not with each other...um, yeah.) Anyway, I was totally not grossed out by their kiss; thought it was sweet.

I guess to each his own, yeah?

Oh, and my message to Peanut - sports are so overrated. But even princesses do ballet. AND they wear dresses. (If you can't fight 'em, join 'em?)

[helene]

OMG, that toddler tossing video gave me a heart attack. Who are those people? Why are there so many kids running around? And how drunk is that mother? Methinks someone should be calling CPS on them!

[jacqui]

I absolutely KNEW Bela Karolyi reminded me of someone. I just couldn't put my finger on who it was!

[Kat]

As for after school activities I think I have one dancer and one female athlete on my hands judging purely on their personalities.

[Rachel C]

What about figure skating? Those are some pretty girly outfits!

Glad you're back MD. I usually just lurk around here but that last post about your father-in-law had me in tears. He sounds like a wonderful man. Hang in there.

[PooMaster]

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Phil Richardson]

MD, you are a very funny man, your humour is well apreciated down here in Australia.

Farting on the dog sounds like a sport that just might take off here. Could you please email me the rules.

Phil

[Canto]

Put the Argeninians on your list too, MD. Looks like a bunch of photos have emerged with them making "slanty eyes" also.

http://tiny.cc/QprHu

[carole b]

I'm with on the whole lip-kissing thing. My sister and her hausband always kissed their two girls on the lips as babies. Now, the girls are older and, anytime they meet someone, they kiss them on the lips. I have to admit that it kind of freaks me and my husband out.

[the mad momma]

you'll probably take back your offer to catch up with me when i visit the US - but i'm not particularly upset by the baby tossing. we've seen worse versions done here in India.. and my own babies too. maybe standing closer... and with an older child.

but i notice that plenty of stuff we do here in india isnt treated as lightly as it is in your country. no car seats for kids, no diapers, kids left alone at home while parents go out, left alone in cars...

its a different world we live in :)

[papa2hapa]

That video makes me nervous. I mean, do they laugh when they drop a child? Or do they point fingers and say, "hey it was your idea first!"

[Maria]

Ha, my son kisses everyone on the lips. But he's 2 so it's still cute. (I THINK?)

[Jo]

Good to have you back, metrodad.

Toddler tossing! My daughter watched this with me and said she would like to have people toss her. I watched the whole thing waiting for the drop! In fairness to them, they didn't drop anyone,and they did keep checking that the kids were happy - and htey stopped immediately when the little boy didn't like it. And the rest of the kids were having fun. And it was on grass... still, I wouldn't do it, or rather, let my feckless husband do it... I have a daredevil French friend who's a juggler, and I'm nervous when the kids are around him :)

As to the Spanish? Well, Catalonians are nice. The rest can be challenging to love alright!

[Jozet at Halushki]

No, not field hockey! According to the new book, Warrior Girls, those kids blow out their knees like race horses.

Figure skaters get to wear pretty dresses. And it's a cheap sport, too!

eh-hem...

Okay, let me try that last line again with a straight face.

[sweatpantsmom]

So sorry to hear about your father-in-law, MD. It sounds like he lived a long and wonderful life, surrounded by people who he loved, and who loved him.

(Scotch, hugging, tv and pickles? We do the same thing over here every night! Must be an Asian thing.)

[anna]

OMG OMG @ Spanish Basketball team rant. SO FUCKING FUNNY! I had totally forgotten about that Monkey Monkey incident, too (what does that say about me)? Thanks for making me laugh.

[Mia_Me]

If your daughter wants to wear dresses and be a princess you should rent the ballet The Nutcracker and see if she takes an interest in dance! Bet she does.

[Raging Dad]

That kid tossing video is troubling. I used to think I was irresponsible... Not any more!

I totally disagree on the kissing and Nastia! I was completely moved watching the two of them throughout the events. Seeing him tear up when she nailed it, and seeing him hurt when she felt was beautiful.

[Sara GH]

Love the new olympic sport!

[ladybughugs]

I couldn't watch more than 45 seconds of that video. Everyone's having fun until someone gets hurt shouldn't ever be used when referring to adults 'playing' with children. Adults should know better.

[Mia_Me]

I thought I had left a comment on this one a few days ago, but I guess not...
So if the Peanut likes to wear dresses and be a princess, than I suggest you rent the ballet the Nutcracker (the one with Baryshnikov!) and see if dance/ballet peeks her interest. Bet it does!

[Catherine]

Oh my Lord! That just took a week off of my life seeing them toss those kids back and forth. I cannot believe people think that is funny!!!!!!

[Fiona]

Eek, the video made me think of "Angela's Ashes" and Frank McCourt's Uncle Pat, who as a toddler was dropped on his head when his drunken father threw him up, once, twice, oops, and grew up to be not quite right in the head and think everybody is out to steal his fish and chips.

[sofia]

Metrodad, from Spain, I am completely mystified as to why it should be considered offensive to reflect that Chinese people have slanted eyes; they do, don't they? I, who am Spanish, have slanted eyes and my family calls me Chinita (little Chinese girl). It's considered rather an attractive trait. What the Olympic teams mean by the photographs is that they're very excited to be going to China, and is in no way intended to denigrate Asian people. Are the Chinese really that touchy? I suppose its just our dumb Spanishness (or the fact that we have been kicked around in the head too often, although I don't particularly remember the Italians ever doing so) which makes us naive. BTW, we do shower every day, you are confusing us with the French.

[Penpals]

Was just surfing the web and I came across you site and I have to say that I am greatly impressed. Thank-you!

[Ruth]

Archery is the perfect sport for a princess. It's safe to do it in your long flowy dress. AND it's potentially lethal--now that's much more hardcore than most sports.

[female wrestling videos]

yes That is definitely an at home video. The parents definitely had to be drunk.oh

[selma]

thnks

[chanel bags cheap online]

MetroDad: Chaos Theory: August 2008

[ハリーウィンストン]

ブライトリング->yahoo do you like this web 85http://www.lymaka.com/%E3%83%AD%E3%83%BC%E3%83%9E%E3%83%B3-%E3%82%B8%E3%82%A7%E3%83%AD%E3%83%BC%E3%83%A0-c-242/

[Hermes ボリード]

ティファニー ピアス Hahahaha, what a funny this YouTube video is! I'm still laughing, thanks to admin who had posted at this site.
Hermes ボリード http://www.hermeshandbags.biz/%E3%83%9C%E3%83%AA%E3%83%BC%E3%83%89-bolide-c-11_23.html

[http://www.lymaka.com/%E3%82%A6%E3%83%96%E3%83%AD-c-31/%E3%83%93%E3%83%83%E3%82%B0%E3%83%90%E3%83%B3-c-31_35/]

http://www.lymaka.com/%E3%82%AB%E3%83%AB%E3%83%86%E3%82%A3%E3%82%A8-c-59/%E3%82%AB%E3%83%AA%E3%83%96%E3%83%AB-c-59_60/yahoo do you like this web 174Swarovski フラワー、草花

[http://www.lymaka.com/%E3%83%81%E3%83%A5%E3%83%BC%E3%83%89%E3%83%AB-c-132/%E3%82%B0%E3%83%A9%E3%83%B3%E3%83%84%E3%82%A2%E3%83%BC-c-132_135/]

アランシルベスタインyahoo do you like this web 15http://www.lymaka.com/%E3%83%96%E3%83%A9%E3%82%A4%E3%83%88%E3%83%AA%E3%83%B3%E3%82%B0-c-183/%E3%82%A8%E3%82%A2%E3%83%AD%E3%83%9E%E3%83%AA%E3%83%B3-c-183_184/

[yahoo]

LOUIS VUITTON

[google]

LOEWE 財布とキーケース

[JIMMY CHOO レディースシューズ]

アルマーニyahoo japan and google japan to vist 46マイケルコース 靴

[トラサルディ ネクタイ]

腕時計 スイスミリタリー

[アグ Cardy グローブ]

uggs google.co.jp UGG 激安

[ポールスミス メンズ 手帳]

ポールスミス メンズ 長財布
ポールスミス メンズ 手帳 http://www.sissiweb.net/

[penyebab keputihan]

Her choice for me was dose-dense chemotherapy, so instead of three weeks between treatments I
had only two. It is a controlled process and it is controlled by several internal and external factors like different proteins, enzymes and
last but not the least gene. Breast cancer can be either invasive or non invasive.