Chaos Theory: August 2008

LET'S HUG IT OUT

Thanks to all of you for your touching comments, e-mails, phone calls and sympathy cards. I'm truly humbled by your kindness. If I could come over to your house, give each of you a hug, and take you out for a drink, I would definitely do so. But let's face it. That could take a really long time and would probably interfere with my busy television-watching schedule. Besides, I don't know your addresses. Hey, here's an idea! How about you come over to my place and I give you a hug while we watch TV together? If you could pick up a bottle of scotch and some pickles on the way over, that'd be great. I'll be the guy on the couch watching the Olympics and weeping like a little school girl.

 

MY DAUGHTER THROWS LIKE A GIRL

I recently realized that while the Peanut and I have been spending our afternoons farting on the dog, drawing funny pictures of the neighbors, and pretending to shop at Whole Foods so we can sample the free food, a lot of the other kids in the neighborhood are immersed in after-school activities like gymnastics, swim lessons, tae kwon do, or Super Soccer Stars. Really, I had no idea.

Now I'm worried that it's too late for the Peanut to catch up. I'm thinking that her only shot of achieving athletic excellence is to pick an obscure sport and master it. So, every night, as we watch the Olympics together, I ask her whether any of the sports appeal to her. Archery? Badminton? Curling?

Yesterday, after listening to me rant about choosing a single sport, the Peanut though about it it for a few minutes and told me, "I don't want to do sports, Daddy. I just want to wear dresses like a princess."

Hmmm...field hockey, anyone?

TO BE FILED UNDER "UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES"

Most of you know that I'm pathologically obsessed with instilling good manners in my daughter. It's like I'm launching my own personal war against the decay of civilization and the Peanut is my ambassador to the world. I'm sure I'm going to drive her crazy in the future. Especially when it comes to my pathological compulsion regarding hand-written thank you notes. I apologize in advance, Sweetie.

At home, I've taught the Peanut to say "excuse me" whenever she farts. The only problem is when we're in public, she'll randomly say "excuse me" to a bunch of strangers. When they inquire why she's saying "excuse me," she enthusiastically yells out "Because I tooted! Want to smell?"

NO THANK YOU!

CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT NEED TO BE WRITTEN...IMMEDIATELY!

(1) "Santa Only Comes If You Eat Your Vegetables"

(2) "Stop Yelling: Mommy and Daddy Can Hear You!"

(3) "I Don't Care What Your Friend's Parents Do"

 

THINGS KOREAN PARENTS MUST SAY TO EACH OTHER BEFORE HAVING KIDS

(1) "We should definitely never talk about our feelings."

(2) "Let's cut their hair at home until they're 18. We'll use the kalbi scissors."

(3) "What else can we pack for lunch to ensure that he's teased mercilessly?"

(4) "Whenever his friends come over, make sure the whole house smells like kimchi."

(5) "Don't forget to use guilt whenever possible."

 

WIKI, WIKI...WHAT? (FUNNIEST WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES)

There's a lot of high falutin' scholarly debate about whether sites like Wikipedia make us dumber. Personally, I think these scholars should be looking at the lack of funding for public-school education or the increased prevalence of video games but hey, that's just me. I'm crazy like that. Besides, I love Wikipedia. It's a constant source of entertainment for me. Witness!

The Mermaid Problem

The Sudanese Goat Marriage Incident

Toilet-Related Injuries

QUICK THOUGHTS ON THE OLYMPICS

-Even the Peanut thinks that Bela Karolyi sounds like The Count from "Sesame Street." Every time Karolyi opens his mouth, I keep expecting him to say, "TWELVE is the number of the day!"

-Sports Illustrated is reporting that Michael Phelps is listening to Young Jeezy and Jay-Z on his ipod. Why don't I buy this? He seems more like a Hootie & The Blowfish guy.

-Speaking of music, why does floor exercise music suck so bad? Wouldn't you rather see Shawn Johnson tumble to "Who Let the Dogs Out," "Hell's Bells," or "Fight The Power?" After sticking the final landing, she could stick her tongue out and throw up some gang signs!

-BossLady and I made a conscious decision when Peanut was born that we weren't going to kiss her on the lips. Watching Nastia Liukin and her dad smooch on the lips after a successful vault confirms that we made the right decision. The Liukins have officially replaced Angelina Jolie and her brother as "Most Disturbing PDA of All-Time." Fucking Guh-ross!

-I'm sure you've all read the controversy regarding Spanish athletes being photographed making "slanty eyes" and then claiming that they're not racist because hey, they have a lot of "Oriental" friends. Of course, this is the same country who rained chants of "Monkey, Monkey!" on French striker Thierry Henry during a friendly soccer match. But hey, it's cool. Because I'm sure those Spaniards had a lot of black friends too. So to show solidarity with my Spanish brothers and sisters, I will spend the next week being completely fucking lazy, drinking cheap wine, taking 3-hour naps, avoiding showers, and getting my ass kicked by Italians, Moors, Germans, and the French. But hey, it's cool. I have a lot of Spanish friends. Ok, not really. I hate those slimy bastards. Fuck you, Spain!

-By far, the best coverage of the Olympics has been on The Onion. Aside from articles like "Hurdler Overcomes Many Hurdles To Win Hurdle Race," my favorite has been "Green-Clad Olympic Archer Steals Gold Medals From Rich, Gives Them To Poor."

REJECTED OLYMPIC SPORT: TODDLER TOSSING

Rejected Olympic Sport: Toddler Tossing - Watch more free videos

Although I would never do this with my own daughter, I would totally do it with someone else's kid. I think I would be fucking awesome at it. The only thing I might do differently is spray a little rosin on the kid first. You know, as an additional safety measure.

In all seriousness, I've watched this video about a dozen times. I can't decide whether it's a shining example of Darwinian stupidity or whether I'm just a nervous nelly. There's a good part of me that wants to report these people to the proper authorities. Clearly, their parenting license needs to be revoked.

It's interesting because we're now at that stage where the Peanut feels compelled to try and give me a heart attack every single day. If I take my eyes off her for one second, I'll look up and see her climbing scaffolding or picking up trash from the street and putting it in her mouth. Thankfully I only have one kid. I don't know what I'd do if I were outnumbered.

In fact, there's an idea for a new Olympic sport. Put one person in a room with 20 toddlers. If you make it out alive after 24 hours, you get the Gold!

Winner gets their face plastered on a Wheaties box.

Comments

[Cat]

Welcome back. I hope you & your wife & family are well on the way back to laughter and having the mourning of your FIL turn back to celebrating his life.

[Jessica Riley]

I'm with you on the after-school activities, MD. I think my 6 y.o. daughter has inherited her parents' lack of interest in sports. After noticing that all the other kids in the neighborhood were busy with sports, I asked her if she was interested in participating. After thinking about it seriously, she asked me if walking the dog was a sport. That's my girl!

[margalit]

That video has just taken about 10 years off my life span. OMG, every time that mommy laughs I want to turn to her and say "ARE YOU NUTS?" I guess I don't have a spirit of adventure or something. Toddler Tossing? Not in my back yard.

When commenting upon the Spanish, I think you forgot to mention their idea that the Jew's just up and left. No inquisition. They just took off because they didn't like the heat. Um yeah. I'm right with you on the Spanish. Beautiful country, people who need a serious lesson in their own history.

[Lena K.]

OMG, your post about Korean parents was hilarious! That totally explains my childhood. Have you seen the "Stuff Korean Moms Like" website? I think you'd get a kick out of it.

http://stuffkoreanmomslike.blogspot.com

[Janelle]

I'm equally obsessed with teaching my kids manners, MD. I've always had this bad habit of snidely remarking "YOU'RE WELCOME!" whenever someone fails to say "thank you" properly. I've noticed that my kids have picked up on this and have started doing it to me. Good Lord, it's annoying!

Welcome back!

[Julie]

Great to hear from you! That video made me lol, but my husband ended up convulsing from all the tension. They must have been drunk, right?

[GGC]

That video is giving me a heart attack!

[Captain Dumbass]

I loved #1 in the Korean Parenting list. Apparently more than was deemed appropriate.

Could not finish watching the toddler toss. I kept waiting for one of them to miss. All fun and games until it's presented as States evidence.

[Issa]

That video makes me crack up, but it also makes me cringe. My teeth hurt from clenching them though it.

I am convinced that Nata is the loudest kid in the world. I feel like I spend all my time telling her to use an inside voice. When you find the stop yelling kids book, send me the link.

[Julie K.]

Scotch and pickles? You're even worse than my husband, MD! He's on the couch right now watching the Olympics while drinking vodka and eating jalapeno peppers. What is it with you Korean men?

[Samantha Lee]

Hahaha! I've always been convinced that my parents chose to make our house smell like kimchi only to drive away potential friends or boyfriends. I'm so glad to hear that it wasn't just me!

my dad used to toss me like this but i didnt know there was supposed to be someone to catch you.

[mommyknows]

Boo Spain!

Yikes to toddler tossing! I was OK with it until poor little Addie got her turn. Sheesh, buy a ball!

[Spontaneous Mini]

That video, got me speechless. Are you sure those kids are still with their parents and not taken away by the kids welfare dept. or whatever they call themselves.
I fail to see the humor.
I do not have kids but I stopped breathing looking at it just about regaining myself right now. Now I know what school bullies grow up to be.

[Tossed as a toddler]

My mum had toddler toss with me, my younger brother, and also my younger sister! No one ever dropped any of them, and I guess I've never seen anything wrong with it!

[Mama Nabi]

MD. Thank god you're still around. Here's a cyber *hug*, my good man. I will hold you to that open invitation - one of these days, I will show up with a bottle of scotch in hand. (But can we hold the fucking pickles? WTF?) We can both sit and cry like school girls. I warn you, I can outcry any school girls out there.

Field hockey? What's wrong with field hockey? I tell you, despite the skirt, we can be mean-ass bitches on the field - have you seen our sticks? Yeah, don't mess with us.

LN tonight asked my neighbors and their friends if they wanted to smell her butt... I wanted to hide.

20 toddler for 24 hours? Are your freaking trying to kill someone?

[Lee Lee]

I love how in the toddler tossing video the woman's voice is so concerned with the kid's SHIRT!

[E. Cho]

The lines about the Korean parents is hilarious! Here are a few more...

"Remember, no dating until she's in college."

"Let's not get her new clothes just because she's a girl. She can wear her older brother's hand-me-downs."

"Let's never mention sex or display affection towards one another."

[Black Hockey Jesus]

On manners. Yesterday I took Lucy to lunch and she barked "SPRITE!" at the waiter. I looked at her and did the "Sprite, please" thorugh clenched teeth. She scowled. I looked at the waiter & said "Just 1 Diet Coke, pleaaaaase." Then she pouted under the table the whole time. More nachos for me, Miss Rude. Good luck with those manners.

[jdg]

Next time I'm in Manhattan, I'm coming over. Tell your wife to get ready: I'll be wearing muddy boots. And I'll rub them on the couch like Rick James.

All the good Spaniards died between 1936-1939.

Why does that video look fake to me?

Pumpkinpie TOTALLY does that announcing she farts when she says excuse me, too. Um, overshare much? Sheesh.

And I'm with you on the kissing on the lips thing, but Pumpkinpie is not, an insists on kissing me one the lips, even though I kiss her on the cheeks, temple, or top of head. Can't figure out how to get her to stop without making a big deal out of why it's weird.

[Theo]

In our house, my wife is the jock. She runs, plays tennis, golfs, and mountain bikes. Unlike her, I spend most of my free time in the basement painting or sculpting. So far, both our kids have shown zero interest in sports. They'd rather be doing some arts & crafts with me. Naturally this drives their mother insane. I think she's afraid we're all going to turn into vampires!

[jenboglass]

I thought the same thing about the Liukens. Then I commented to my husband that I was growing weary of watching all the male gymnasts high five. Later, while watching women's beach volleyball, I lost it because of all the hugging. At that point my husband uninvited me to watch Walsh-Trainer. He made me leave the room so he could watch it alone. I think I saw him smiling as I left.

[Rachel E.]

Welcome back Pierre. You were missed.

Were those parents HIGH?! Flinging them around like rag dolls. I have the worst headache now from holding my breath for a full two minutes, forty seconds.

By far, the oddest Olympic sport is the trampoline, which I'm watching right now. It's right up there with synchronized diving, rhythmic gymnastics and women's wrestling.

[Alana]

I think the scary thing about the toddler tossers is just how many kids there were running around. Who did they all belong to?! Why do the toddler tossers overproduce?!

[Whit]

The Onion stories are awesome.

Oh. Excuse me.

[Pamela]

Welcome home MD! You've been missed and this post is a "Top Five" contender.

[karla]

24 hours with 20 toddlers? Toddlers in my neck of the woods are known as the stretch mark mafia with good reason. As for toddler tossing, thats just plain crazy. Who are these people and why wasn't dfacs called?

[landismom]

Welcome back, MD!

ITA on Bela Karolyi. But I'm thinking Dave Matthews Band for Phelps. (He did grow up in Bodymore, though, so you never know...)

[Amanda]

At my daughter's day care, the munchkins can sign up for all types of sports, piano, Spanish, computers (all for an extra cost). This helps me feel less guilty because we don't do all those after work/weekend activities.

Also, that video...had me gasping...especially when the little girl was being thrown by her ankles!

If I ever make it to NYC (can you believe I've never been there?), I will let you know. But, pickles and scotch? Yuck. I will bring vodka and berries or Maker's Mark and steaks.

[Asianmommy.com]

My 2 daughters would love to join yours in wearing dresses like a princess. No field hockey here, either.

[Mitch McDad]

Join the club on the no-sports princess dress thing....not me, my daughter Lilly. She made us let her play t-ball because her friend was playing; she never move one foot in the field toward the ball. And she took full innings off because it was hot and she was bored, my very own Manny.

And the kiss thing was creepy.

[Aimee]

Welcome back, MD! I hope you, BossLady and the Peanut are able to laugh a little more and can remember your FIL, enjoying all the things that made him wonderful to you.

I can empathize with you on the toots in public. My 4 year old does the same thing. I'm trying to teach her that she doesn't have to announce it. We'll see how that works. :-)

I couldn't watch that video. I just couldn't. I agree on the toddler thing, though.

[Kathy]

the book title, "Stop Yelling: Mommy and Daddy Can Hear You" made me laugh very hard.

Did you know there's a sport called Dwarf Tossing? That seems wrong on so many levels.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dwarf_tossing

[Janelle]

Welcome back, MD!

[PAPA]

We once had a couple tell my mom at a restaurant "your kids are so well behaved." I'll always remember that. As a father to be, I have that same goal. I just hope we're not at Applebee's.

[KC]

Thanks for the laughs, MD. Read several passages out loud to JP - the part on Spain did me in.

[enygma]

Oh, wait. We're not supposed to toss babies like that? I toss my cousin to my sister and back. He loves it. Of course, we don't stand that far apart, either.
I love Wikipedia, too, but I still don't let my students use it as a reference site.

[Ka_Jun]

"and getting my ass kicked by Italians, Moors, Germans, and the French."

Hey MD, don't forget Filipinos, 1898 baby, take THAT Spain!

[Liberal Banana]

MD! HILARIOUS! I need to remember not to read your blog when I'm at work because with all of the LOLing that's going on in here, I'm sure anyone within earshot realizes that I must not be working!

(Thanks for stopping by my blog, by the way. I feel really honored to still be on your radar after all this time! Gotta love Bloglines!)

Peanut's decision to not play sports and only wear dresses like a princess reminds me of something my friend told me last night. She said that when her sister was young, she often used to get jewelry as presents (odd, I know) and that when she was once asked what her favorite color was, she said "Diamonds." Now these are my kinda gals!

And lastly, I'd like to say that I thought your post about your dad-in-law was beautiful and touching. I feel like it sounds trite to say but I really am sorry for your family's loss.

Have a great week, MetroDad!

[Soul]

Wow, just wow. I might just be speechless. Which is extremely rare. Trust me. I wonder where all those toddlers came from. And why they chose to post such a video on the internet. That is definitely an at home video. The parents definitely had to be drunk, although drunk toddler tossing sounds even more dangerous. But who would do that in their right mind???

[Susie Q.]

Those parents give rednecks a bad name.

[Ang]

So nice to see you!

"Let's cut their hair at home until they're 18. We'll use the kalbi scissors."

PRICELESS!!!! I'm glad I can laugh at it now. I was 12 before I finally snuck out and got a haircut from one of my friend's moms.

[jules]

Not a Wheaties box-for that particular sport (20 toddlers/24hrs) it would have to be a Cheerios box!

[Lostonthestreet]

Centuries before the Koreans and Indians must have exchanged parenting tips.My dad took me to a mens' salon for my haircuts.Till I was around 10.I am a girl!!! I am scared for life.

[ali]

"We should definitely never talk about our feelings" is also in the Jewish Parenting guidebook ;)

[Chris K.]

If my parents ever decide to move out of the house they've lived in for the past 20 years, they're either going to have to sell it to another Korean family or have the house razed. The whole place smells like kimchi and feet.

[jeramy]

welcome back pierre. hilarious! absolutely hilarious! i have a friend that get's offended if you even say the word fart....she would die! i'm with you on the manners thought....keep it up. :-)

CLICK HERE to win my 100th blog post contest.

[Esther]

My co-workers and I have been discussing the mermaid problem and the goat incident all day. Now we're all searching wikipedia to find more fun stuff. Thanks, MD! You're singlehandedly contributing to our office's lack of productivity! ;)

[Karen in DE]

That poor little girl is going to have some serious knee issues when she gets older!

And as for the kissing on the mouth thing - I never got kissed on the mouth by any relative until 12 years ago - my f-i-l insists on not one, not two, but THREE freakin smacks. My s-i-l and I learned to fake a coldsore - ALL THE TIME. {{{shiver}}}