Are You An Asshole Parent? Take the Quiz!

Last year, Vanity Fair published a hilariously satirical article imploring readers to measure their Asshole Footprint. In the hopes of improving overall life on the planet, they offered a questionnaire to help individuals determine the size and breadth of their footprint.

Personally, I've often felt that the best way to reduce the toxic increase of assholes on this planet is to make sure that certain people never breed. Unfortunately, my lobbying efforts for mandatory targeted sterilization have been blocked by virtually every government on the planet. Some nonsense having to do with Human Rights. Whatevs.

My latest solution to the problem is to help asshole parents identify themselves. In the same manner that many completely humorless people (especially bloggers) think they're hysterically funny, many asshole parents have no idea how douchey they really are.

To help them out, I've come up with the following quiz.

While it's ok to answer "yes" to some of these questions, if you reply affirmatively for six or more of them, you're very likely an asshole parent and it is incumbent upon you to take urgent measures immediately:

FOR WOMEN

(1) Have you ever bought your 4-year-old a $500 Marc Jacobs cashmere hoodie?

(2) Are you constantly trying to impress your children's friends by being "the cool mom?" Does being "cool" involve dressing inappropriately for your age, drinking alcohol with minors, or referring to your daughter as "your best friend?"

(3) Have you ever mocked the frazzled new mom at the playground dressed in old sweatpants that are covered in breast milk and jelly?

(4) If a fellow patron comes by at a restaurant and inquires whether your children can be a little quieter, instead of apologizing for disturbing their meal, do you snap back and retort, "Don't tell me how to raise my kids!"

(5) Do you have business cards for your mommy blog?

FOR MEN

(1) Do you refer to having young children as "doing the parent thing"?

(2) Have you ever pointed at a breastfeeding woman and said to your buddies, "How'd you like to suck some milk out of those hooters?"

(3) Have you ever picked a fight with a ref during your kid's Little League game? Ever filed a formal complaint against a coach because your kid didn't get enough playing time? Have you ever heckled  a little kid on an opposing team? 

(4) Do you make your wife drive a minivan while you drive a two-seater convertible?

(5) Have you ever "smacked some sense" into your kid's head?

FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN

(1) Are any of your children named CoCo, Sage, Prince, Aurelius, Apple, Cat, Bryce, or Keegan?

(2) Have you ever joined a church or temple solely in order to get your children into its affiliated school?

(3) Have you ever flown your kids to summer camp in first-class, a private jet, or a helicoptor? Does your kindergartner have an iphone? Does your teenage daughter drive a Lexus?

(4) When having dinner out as a family, do you let your kids play PSP or gameboys?

(5) Does your minivan have custom rims and flames painted on the side?

HOW TO BE LESS OF AN ASSHOLE PARENT: SOME TIPS

(1) Go to the cancer center of your local hospital and spend the afternoon reading books to the kids.

(2) Donate all of your kids' used toys, clothes and books to charity. One child's junk is another's treasure.

(3) Stop referring to your kids as "rugrats."

(4) Quit drinking beer and smoking cigarettes in front of your kid.

(5) Learn to apologize for your kid's behavior. A simple "sorry" goes a long way.

PURCHASING ASSHOLE PARENT OFFSETS

There are a variety of agencies and organizations whose missions nobly uphold the tenets of anti-asshole parenting. Here are a few where your donation would be welcome:

The Make-A-Wish Foundation

Boys & Girls Clubs of America

Children's Defense Fund

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital

Obviously, the above quiz is a joke. I'm sure there are tons of people out there who would qualify me as an asshole parent for half the stuff I do. However, is it me or has there really been an increase in the number of asshole parents who seem to be loose on the streets these days? Or do all of them just live in my neighborhood?

Anyway, feel free to leave your own examples of asshole parenting. Either ones you've witnessed in person or are guilty of doing yourselves!

Comments

[Sleep Deprivation Ninja]

You may be an asshole ninja dad if you:

1. Take your baby with you to another spacial dimension to fight a wicked ghost that's haunting another bloggers kid.
2. Kill anyone who questions you parenthood
3. Allow dogs to rip apart their owner since they are not coming after your kid (and that's all you care about)
4.... wait... that's me!

[LeeMarvin]

Well, let's see...within one weeks time, these are the two best examples that I've seen personally.

An Asshole dad took his two young sons to see Tropic Thunder (which is rated R). Together, their combined ages couldn't have been twelve! (Not including the dad, of course.) My wife flipped out!

An Asshole mom used her stroller (with the baby in it) to stop traffic at an intersection that she was crossing, while she was on a cell phone.

[Kathy]

you are probably an Asshole Parent if you feed your kids pop tarts, cookies and soda every day while they watch hours of TV and then you complain that they are hyper monsters.

[Carolyn]

I was working with a preschool girl who always whined and threw tantrums when she didn't get her own way. It was distracting to her classmates and hindered her from participating in school activities. I talked to the mom about it and, upon further inquiry, found out that the parents ALWAYS gave her exactly what she wanted, when she wanted. And, they instructed her older brother to do the same for her. I had to advise the parents to introduce a little disappointment in the girl's life, just so she could more appropriately deal with being told no. I gave this example: If she's harrassing you for something, say, a lollipop, it's okay to say "no". Even if you don't mind her having it. She needs to learn that she can't always have everything. I don't think it sunk in, though.

[G]

I am so sick of asshole parents that think they are so great by overloading their kids with activities, then bragging about it.

When your trilingual, opera singing, dressage riding six year old has a nervous breakdown don't come crying to me.

Recently a Mom said to me of her own kids, "they just need to be fed and carted around to activities, and they don't need someone with two masters to do that."
*nice*

[luv my babies]

What Kate said.

[Gina]

Right on. Great post. One of my favorite blogs, Blogography, wrote something along these lines recently. Check it out if you have not (http://www.blogography.com).

[Anna]

Yep, Just because you Can give your kids something doesn't mean you Should. Hubby makes good money. (So did I before I became a SAHM-with a Masters, thank you very much). But we worked our way up to this position. Years of work.

One of the most important things I can teach dd is a strong work ethic. That, and being kind and respectful to others.

Also, remember how proud you were when you earned something? A toy you saved for. Your first car. Your first house. Why in the world would I want to take that away from her? So even though we have money, it's ours. Not hers. If she wants money, she can earn it. Chores for now, a job later.

[David]

OOOHHH! Parents who are afraid to tell their kid NO. Grow a pair !

[margalit]

I might be an asshole, but I score a big fat ZERO on the Asshole Parent Quiz. So Go Me!

My addition to the list: Have you ever made a project your child is supposed to have done themselves and passed it off as the kid, who is a brilliant artist and a genius doing college level work in first grade?

And

Have you written your child's college essays?

And yes, I know parents that have done both. Assholes!

[Jasper]

I hate to say it but the most annoying asshole parents are mommy bloggers! Who fucking cares about the boring minutiae of their lives?

[LL]

I used to be a children's martial arts instructor and the mother of a new student once said to me, "Oh this'll be good to teach him some discipline". I just stood there in silence, thinking, Madam, that's YOUR job!

Oh and "douchey"? heheheh.

[kitty]

I have actually heard parents say "she was an accident" right in front of the kid.

[Ka_Jun]

What's wrong with having multilingual polyglot kids? Not everyone only speaks one language in their homes. (Thanks Nanay & Tatay for the Tagalog!)

[D.]

Asshole parenting:

The other day, a mom in the Disney store spent the fifteen minutes that I was in there "reasoning" with her tantrum-throwing spoiled little creep that she'll buy him one toy now and another one "in two weeks." Dude, most kids that young have not yet grasped the concept of what "two weeks" is. Buy the one toy you promised him (or, put it back, because any kid of mine would certainly have privileges revoked after such an unpleasant scene) and carry his ass outta the store. Stop torturing everyone else in there. Every kid does this; I get it. It's the parent's reaction I couldn't stand; I understand that kids are gonna act like kids.

Also, the parents at the zoo who passive-aggressively tell their kid, "The lady will give you the brush for the goat now" push my buttons like you would not buh-lieve. I'm supposed to drop everything instantaneously because you have a kid and I don't? Uh, no. Same goes for the parents who push in front of me in the women's room line saying, "She's toilet training." If you ASK me NICELY using the words PLEASE and THANK YOU I will let you ahead of me, but if you assume it's your God-given right because you have a kid and I don't, you are so, so SOL.

[Writer Dad]

First: My favorite blog I've found in the last week. I found myself on Alltop yesterday, didn't know what it was, and thought I'd have a look at my neighbors.

Second: I've seen about a billion tag lines. Nothing beats, "Poppycock from a cocky pop."

Brilliant. Just subscribed. See you soon.

[Penny]

I saw the most extreme case of asshole parenting recently. A family was eating at a restaurant and the two kids were going absolutely crazy. I"m not talking about running around a little bit or being a little too loud. These kids were banging their plates with the silverware, throwing bread rolls at other tables, and defacing the walls with crayons.

Meanwhile, the parents didn't do a damn thing!

Finally, a restaurant manager went over to the table to speak to the parents and told them if the kids didn't settle down, he'd have to ask them all to leave the restaurant. What does the father do? He grabs both kids by the collars, puts them in a violent choke hold, and yells, "If either of you motherfuckers make another noise, I'm going to take you outside and beat the living shit out of you."

Unreal.

[Spring]

How funny. I just blogged about a specific group of asshole parents: the parents of the kids on the mtv series my super sweet sixteen. They are completely unapologetic about what greedy little monsters they've raised.

[Spacemom]

I thought for sure I would be an asshole parent, I don't advertise my blog, but I do have business cards with phone numbers and email so I can arrange playdates.

[Jo]

Thank god, I can answer no to all! I'm an asshole parent every day in lots of ways though, none of them amusing enough to report :(

[navi]

hmmm... I don't know, I'm thinking the person asking the kids to be quiet in a restaurant is an asshole... but then I don't tend to dine at the fancier places....

[Steph]

Also, something pretty awesome to add to the charities would be Child's Play.

http://www.childsplaycharity.org/

It was started by a video game webcomic duo, and they basically raise money and items to go toward children's hospitals all over the US and even going into other countries now. But people donate books and games and toys to these hospitals to help kids make their long hospital stays not so agonizing and it even allows the children who can go ahead and play with other kids they might not have had a chance to before.

I mean, it's not something that goes toward the research of terrible diseases or helps families pay for care they couldn't otherwise, but even sick kids need to have some fun, yeah?

Love the blog, btw. I look forward to your new entries all the time, and our hearts go out to your recent loss from here in Dallas.

[Becca]

Do idiot parents count in this category too? There was a very pregnant woman at the play area in the mall, taking pics of her very small child on all the slides oblivious to the larger children around him. So naturally I kept an eye on these people, because people watching is fun!Later while gabbing on her phone, her kid escaped the play area. I left my child with a friend to go rescue hers in the food court, and barely got a thank you when I came back. I had to leave before I said something horrible....and she is going to have another one! Good grief!

[the new girl]

Oh, MD. You have to get your quizzes published and out into the wide, wide world.

I actually snorted at the (2)Question For Men.

I always KNEW they were thinking that.

Dogs.

[laura]

You said it well Metro Dad, try being in my shoes. Watching an idiot, mornonic parent have thier child lick a public phone in a train station. "Lady, your child is going to get sick." She looks up at me, looks at her child and shrugs: "But, he's so quiet." Go figure, I can't have kids, but nut case is blessed with one.

[Whit]

Stop drinking beer!! That best be the joke part.

I can't say I answered 'yes' to any of those, but I am going to start using "the parenting thing." That's awesome (in an asshole sort of way).

[Marla]

I've always wondered whether asshole parents knew how big of an asshole they are. Hopefully this quiz will clue some of them in. Sadly, I doubt it.

[How to Party with an Infant]

Hey--what's wrong with custom rims and flames? Do you have a cool parents quiz? 'Cause I think I'd rock it.

[How to Party with an Infant]

Hey--what's wrong with custom rims and flames? Do you have a cool parents quiz? 'Cause I think I'd rock it.

[J]

I answered no to all of the questions, thank god...but I have been known to drink in front of my child. If I'm not allowed to have wine with dinner in front of her, she's going to have to start going to bed a LOT earlier. ;)

[muskrat]

this is some funny shit.

[Colleen]

ok...laughing at Kristen @ 7:55pm because I've told my 4 yr old that I would cut off his legs if he didn't stop kicking the chair (and I had asked him several times already).

Asshole parents are the ones who let their kids hijack the grocery store and make every other patron miserable because they're running all over, jumping out in front of your cart containing your own children and food. Or the ones that let their kids scream bloody murder through the whole store. Now, I have that happen before...kids will do that to you, but at that point you need to get what is absolutely necessary (i.e. milk and TP) and get the hell out.

Asshole parents don't say anything when their child makes a rude or disparaging remark about your child. Thankfully mine was too young at the time to understand or even notice, but that mother didn't even try to make a show of correcting her child and I was too flabbergasted to say something.

[kate]

"Don't tell me how to raise my child!"-most infuriating phrase ever.

Parents who let their children run riot around a store/someone elses home/a restaurant, etc. And then, when the child inevitably smashes some irreplacable antique vase or some-such, are appalled by any requests to pay for the damage because: "They're only kid, they can't help these things!" Well...yes, exactly.

And yet, had someone intervened to prevent the situation, they'd no doubt have copped a blistering earful of the aforementioned quote. On the other hand, if said kid got hurt in process of dropping said antique vase, they'd be sueing the store for not having adequate staffing to supervise and prevent the accident. Assholes.

P.S. Business cards for mommy blogs? Surely y'all jest?!

[defendUSA]

Another good read! I am not an asshole, but I can be a bitch for sure. Especially when I drop my kids for push-ups as discipline...Suffering does build character.
And to the anonymous parent... We have a decent income and it allows for some extras here and there. I could buy the 11 yo an iphone, I might swing a new car pmtfor the 17 yo...but what the hell is that teaching them? As long as 17yo makes straight A's she can drive the 10yo Volvo and I pay her insurance. Blow it, lose the car privilege.
I have a 15 YO that swears the chores I have him do and the reasons behind it is not the "real world". My answer is that the real world is a whole lot tougher than me making him accountable for his actions and repsonsibilities that make him a part of our family. My son does not seem to understand that his parents aren't going to be his back-up forever and that his actions now will dictate what happens to him as an adult.
You may have a great kid. But are you doing him any favors just because you can spend the hard-earned money, etc? In my opinion, the better lesson is show them the meaning of work ethic which will give them self esteem, confidence, the ability to set and reach goals.

[Hanni]

Fun post...glad to know that I'm not an asshole parent! What does it say about me, though, that I've taught my almost two year old daughter to lick her plate (especially after good spaghetti) and think it's the most hilarious thing in the world to watch when she does it? And that I'm proud at how well she does it - she's never once dropped the plate!

I'm teaching my daughter the finer things in life, that's for sure....

[Penpals]

Was just surfing the web and I came across you site and I have to say that I am greatly impressed. Thank-you!

[Cashfordays]

Cooking up financial freedom everyday. Living a dream lifestyle.

[Viv]

Hey, I like the quiz! Btw, I recently started a link sharing community for parents(http://www.rankiranki.com/), I was wondering if you would like to submit your link (or any other links you like) so that people who have joined the community can get to know your blog?

[selma]

thnks

[Robert]

Our son was enrolled in preschool (he's 2 1/2) One day one of the kids hauled off and drilled him in the face. No one offered an apology at all, parent, teacher nothing. It was the 3rd instance (he had a book thrown at him and was pushed) We withdrew him shortly thereafter.

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[Mimi]

ALL parents are assholes. Even the good ones. They all seem to really enjoy having small, helpless captives under their total control. They all seem to enjoy belittling, shaming, yelling, hitting, beating, scaring, threatening, and hurting their children. You can tell when you watch them carefully: they feel trapped by parenthood, they hate it, and they take it out on their kids. They act like they don't know why their kids misbehave, but secretly, they love it so they have an opportunity to punish. I see parents set their kids up for it. Stop breeding, fools. Deal with your own self-hatred instead of creating new human victims to pass it on to.

[graciesgq]

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