When I was eight years old, I was convinced that my Sunday school teacher hated my guts. So every weekend, when my parents dropped me off at the front door of the church, I'd walk straight through to the rear exit, change into gym clothes, and spend the next few hours playing basketball at a public court down the street.
By the time I finally got busted, it was the end of July. Unfortunately, at the end of every summer, the church put all the Sunday school students on display in front of the entire congregation, an annual event at which we were supposed to impress the elders with our vast canonical knowledge of the bible. Despite the fact that my church education for the year had been cut short due to my delinquency, I was informed that my presence was absolutely required.
During the event, the reverend turned to us and asked if we knew all of God's different names. One child answered, "Yahweh." Another called out, "Jehovah." Then, to my utter fear and horror, the reverend turned to me and said, "How about you, Pierre? Do you know God's name?"
Trying to think fast on my feet, I yelled out, "Yes! God's name is Howard!"
The reverend's face turned quizzical and he asked, "Why would you say that God's name is Howard?"
"Because it says so right in the Lord's Prayer! 'Our father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name!'"
With that, the entire congregation burst out laughing hysterically and the vast scope of my religious ignorance was exposed for everyone to see. Needless to say, my days at church were numbered after that traumatic experience.
Flash forward 30 years later...
Members of my father-in-law's church congregation visit his house to pray for him. As the pastor begins to recite a long and solemn prayer, the Peanut walks into the room eating a candy bar. Confused as to why everyone has their eyes closed and their heads bent, she immediately starts yelling, "Hey! Wake up, guys. It's not nap time yet."
Receiving no attention to her remarks, she then proceeds to walk up to random people, forcefully prying their eyes open with her little fingers, and saying "C'mon. Please don't go to bed now. The sun is still awake!"
As my mother-in-law stifles her laughter, one of the members of the congregation turns to the BossLady and whispers, "So I guess you guys don't go to church much, eh?"
Damn. Is it that obvious?
Thanks for all your kind comments and heartfelt e-mails. We're truly touched by your sympathies. Unfortunately, my FIL's cancer is worse than we had previously thought. We'll be spending the next few months commuting between New York and Dallas on a weekly basis. Posting here may be light. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers.
my god's name is howard. howard johnson:
http://www.nyshows.org/images/White%20Plains%20-%20Jan%2008/Hojo1.jpg
having gone through the worse-than-we-thought cancer thing recently, our thoughts are with you and the wife, and her whole family.
Posted by: jdg | May 15, 2008 at 01:52 PM
Pierre, you know how much I feel your pain. I'm so sorry that things are so tough. Sad news. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Rachel E. | May 15, 2008 at 02:07 PM
When my son was six years old, he had the responsibility of cleaning up after communion at our church. While cleaning up the cups and the wafers, he said, "Dad, that blood of Jesus smells just like grape juice."
Posted by: Derek | May 15, 2008 at 02:10 PM
You and your family are in my thoughts.
Good thing that you already know that laughter is the best medicine. (unless you are recovering from abdominal surgery)
Posted by: nonlineargirl | May 15, 2008 at 02:12 PM
we'll be here if/when you need us...
take care
Posted by: Colleen | May 15, 2008 at 02:14 PM
Isn't "Howard" what the "H" stands for when people shout "Jesus H Christ!" ?
Pretty amazing how your sense of humor is holding up, all things considered.
Posted by: Jonathon | May 15, 2008 at 02:19 PM
As always, let me know if there's anything I can do to help.
Posted by: croutonboy | May 15, 2008 at 02:37 PM
Just another shining example of why nothing lightens up life's dark moments like a child. God bless, MD!
Posted by: kevin | May 15, 2008 at 02:44 PM
Love to you and your family. Hoping that there are some moments of peace on the long road ahead. Having been through the cancer thing, my heart just aches for all of you.
Posted by: snickollet | May 15, 2008 at 02:47 PM
I'll keep praying for peace and comfort for your father in law and your entire family.
Posted by: Karen | May 15, 2008 at 03:05 PM
Both you and your daughter crack me up, MD. I guess you're right. The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.
I'll keep BossLady's father in my prayers. Stay strong!
Posted by: alan | May 15, 2008 at 03:08 PM
This is a great story. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
Posted by: RubiaLala | May 15, 2008 at 03:36 PM
Hugs, prayers and white light to the Metro Family...
Posted by: Stacy | May 15, 2008 at 03:53 PM
Your sense of humor and your ability to see the lighter side of life will be of great benefit to everyone as you all face this terrible time together. Never underestimate the healing power of laughter!
Posted by: kimmy | May 15, 2008 at 04:07 PM
MD, your ability of find humor and make others laugh is a unique talent and special gift. Share it often, hold your family tight, and treasure the moments of laugher amid the sadness and grief.
Posted by: Pamela | May 15, 2008 at 04:29 PM
peanut's reactione to the praying people cracked me up. even church kids do crazy stuff like that. when my sister was 5, she was brought before the church to talk about what they were learning in sunday school. the pastor asked her what temptation was, and without missing a beat, responded "guys who sing old songs!!". lol!
we still laugh about that.
Posted by: jennster | May 15, 2008 at 07:57 PM
Classic.
When we took A. to his great-grandmother's funeral, they rang the bells and he yelled out, "Telephone!"
So sorry about your father-in-law.
Posted by: Lunasea | May 15, 2008 at 08:38 PM
Will keep your fam & clan in my thoughts & prayers.
If anyone has a sec, give one up for Fatty & his fam, too.
http://www.fatcyclist.com/
Posted by: Ka_Jun | May 16, 2008 at 09:23 AM
our thoughts & prayers with you and you family as well. i love the attempt to pry open the eyes...
Posted by: twocentsworth | May 16, 2008 at 10:58 AM
Although this is a horrible situation to deal with, I know your family will get through it with grace, humor and love. 'Cause that's how MetroDad rolls, yo.
Posted by: Velma | May 16, 2008 at 11:15 AM
I'm not a big group prayer. It sort of offends my sensibilities - especially when it's one of those awful and empty chant prayers. On the rare event that I am dragged to church I never participate in those things. Luckily, most people don't notice, and if they do, they are just as guilty. Now though, with a 5 year-old and a 3-year old, I get ratted on - often loudly, right there in the moment. I've decided to just let my wife expose the kids to the hocus-pocus and I can talk to them about deeper things.
I'm so sorry for the pain you and the people you love are facing. A kind, gentle, and iconoclastic sense of humor such as yours is, for me, a huge blessing in such situations. The most meaningful funerals and bed-side trauma's I've been involved with have all featured humor. I know it's trite, but I hope you can all laugh through the tears.
Dave
Posted by: Dave | May 16, 2008 at 11:58 AM
Peanut is a hoot.
And I'd say that an injection of humor is a spiritual medicine of its own kind. If God does exist, maybe he's such a curmudgeon because more kids aren't wandering around being their silly selves.
Posted by: Jozet at Halushki | May 16, 2008 at 12:49 PM
howard is awesome. I love the peanut's affect on people. I'm sure your mother-in-law needed that laugh.
Take care - wishing everything strength and love.
Posted by: momomax | May 16, 2008 at 01:52 PM
I love hearing the stories of you as a young child. It's easy to see where Peanut gets her sense of humor. Prayers and hugs to all of you.
Posted by: Lisa K. | May 16, 2008 at 02:45 PM
Wishing you happy thoughts! Just be happy that you don't have a teenager, trust me on that!
Posted by: insane mama | May 16, 2008 at 03:35 PM
You and the Peanut? Apple and tree sound familiar?
I would assume she gets her sense of life from BL as well -- and I'm sorry to hear about BL's father.
with love
Posted by: alice, uptown | May 16, 2008 at 04:31 PM
Sorry about your FIL... it kind sucks when the act of religion overshadows the intent... it's Ok, cause Howard gets a big chuckle out of us too...
Posted by: Ron | May 16, 2008 at 05:00 PM
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers for what its worth. Take care and don't worry - we'll be here when you're ready to come back!
Posted by: Dawn | May 16, 2008 at 11:40 PM
Peanut is gifted, she really is. Happy thoughts to you and your family during this time :/
Posted by: HCG | May 17, 2008 at 12:19 AM
I'm glad you have Peanut to help lighten the load emotionally a little. Nothing like a little person to remind you of the joys remaining.
Posted by: kittenpie | May 17, 2008 at 01:54 AM
I'm sending you good thoughts, Pierre, and hoping that things turn out well for you and your family.
Posted by: landismom | May 17, 2008 at 04:16 AM
I'm sending you good thoughts, Pierre, and hoping that things turn out well for you and your family.
Posted by: landismom | May 17, 2008 at 04:24 AM
Here's my take on the subject-- in case you need some light, fun reading...
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/contribute/sn/persona?User=brownaround&plckController=PersonaBlog&plckScript=personaScript&plckElementId=personaDest&plckPersonaPage=BlogViewPost&plckPostId=Blog%3abrownaroundPost%3a045bd7b6-54ee-4263-b1c7-275438ff6218
Posted by: LogicalMama | May 17, 2008 at 12:19 PM
I'm sure your amazing sense of humor and perspective on life will be of great benefit to your FIL during these difficult times. My thought and prayers are with all of you.
Posted by: Helene | May 17, 2008 at 04:37 PM
Yikes! I feel the same way, and rarely go to church. I'd like to go more but it wouldn't be a family thing since my hubby wouldn't go, so it's kind of awkward. I am planning to go more when the kids are older ... but by then, I imagine, we'll be having scenes like yours. I never thought about that until I read your post!
Again, I'm so very sorry about the whole situation. Your family is in my prayers.
Posted by: Chief Family Officer | May 18, 2008 at 12:14 AM
Great story, MD. Just proves that you were funny even when you were a little kid. In our family, church has provided many tales of entertainment. Our favorite was when my younger brother (at the age of 6) was caught taking money from the collection plate!
Wishing all the best to BL's dad and the entire family.
Posted by: Evelyn | May 18, 2008 at 11:15 AM
Hey, Howard sounds just about right... thinking of you guys, especially BossLady. Ah, sweet Peanut - bringing her own trademark sunshine to every situation.
Hugs to you all... if there's anything I can do, holler.
Posted by: Mama Nabi | May 19, 2008 at 01:36 AM
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've been there, before my daughter was born, in some ways I'm glad about that, in other ways it's tragic.
We too, have failed our daughter's religious education - last Christmas, confused by the Mr Man Mr Christmas candles I bought, my daughter announced that Christmas was Santa Clause's birthday.
Oops.
Posted by: Jo | May 19, 2008 at 05:39 PM
MetroDad,
I have just finished reading your entire blog, each and every entry, over the past month. I feel like I have grown to know you on a very strange personal level. Saying that I would like to say that I will keep your family in my thoughts.
One of my cousins have a brain tumor and the hardest thing is to think that one day she won't be here. What does help with the pain is being with them. Hospitals are hard places for everyone. Just imagine how much harder it is to be in the bed. Keeping a smile on your face is the best medicine that can be given. Your daughter, I'm sure, is bringing the best gift that anyone could give, happiness.
Sending good mojo your way...
Soul
Posted by: Soul | May 19, 2008 at 11:42 PM
Funny stuff dude! I too am spiritual but not religious. Sometimes I wonder if I'm raising my children to be agnostic or atheist since we hardly go to church.
Posted by: Chris | May 20, 2008 at 02:47 PM
Had to laugh at your stories, MD. Last week, my 9-year-old son asked me why we never go to church. I told him if he wanted to try and see what church was like, I would take him. He agreed and said, "Ok. Let's go this Sunday."
Only problem is I have no idea where the nearest church is. I don't even know what denomination I might be. Maybe I'll just take him to the synagogue down the street and tell him that's church!
Posted by: holy moses | May 20, 2008 at 04:20 PM
Temporarily suspending my lurker tendencies to say that though there's no easy way about this difficult situation, I trust that you can take strength from humour, love and children's hope. Take care, and big hugs to Peanut.
Posted by: Cindy | May 21, 2008 at 09:50 AM
I've been thinking about you guys, esp BossLady...
Ah, yes, Howard... I think I knew him once.
I am glad that Peanut is there to brighten everyone's day during these hard painful times. Please, if there's anything I can do, holler...
Posted by: Mama Nabi | May 21, 2008 at 11:55 AM
I found the stories of you as a young child to be very entertaining. our thoughts and prays are with you and your family.
Posted by: Jessica | May 21, 2008 at 02:37 PM
Pierre,
My father just passed away on Thursday from cancer, and for some bizarre reason, I found myself later that day thinking of you. You post all this stuff out there on the Internet, and I can't even get myself to tell my closest friends. what are they going to say, "i'm sorry"? well, yes, and much to my surprise, it was therapeutic to talk about it. i didn't take their phone calls as I didn't want to cry on the phone (or at work), but later reading their e-mails helped me.
the only advice i can give you is pretty obvious: have as much of a good time with your FIL as possible. Our whole family flew out to California a couple of weeks ago and had a very special weekend. We didn't think it would be the last, but thinking about it now, I don't mind that it was. We had THAT MUCH FUN! As did he.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Geoff in Boston
Posted by: geoff | May 21, 2008 at 03:42 PM
I hate cancer with a passion. I lost both parents to it over the past 3 years. It's hard as hell on everyone. I'm glad to hear that you'll be visiting your FIL as much as you can. Both my parents took great joy towards the end of their lives in seeing my daughter as much as possible. In some ways, I think being around such a young presence helped prepare them for the fact that their time on the planet was dwindling. It was a blessing for us all.
Thoughts and prayers are with you all. In Howard may we trust.
Posted by: Emily | May 21, 2008 at 04:22 PM
I am praying for you and your family as well. I have been through the cancer in my family way too many times, and it is not easy. But you have many many who are lifting you up in prayer.
Posted by: Ted | May 22, 2008 at 04:39 PM
A few months back it came to light that Noodle (who is now 6) thought that Jesus was a Disney Princess.
My mother collects those Lenox porcelain fairytale princesses that you used to be able to order from the back of the magazine in the Sunday paper, and displays them in a curio cabinet in her living room. She also somehow stuck a porcelain Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus in there.
Somehow, Noodle got the impression that Mary was Jesus, and that since she was in with the princesses, that she must be one, too. I only figured it out because she'd heard kids at school talking about Jesus (I'm an atheist/Buddhist/pagan-y type, so there's no mention of Jesus at home), and told them that next time she went to Disney World she was going to get her picture taken with her.
Never a dull moment around here, lol.
Posted by: Didi | May 23, 2008 at 08:49 AM
Thinking of you and BossLady and Peanut. So sorry for what you are facing.
Posted by: Sara in SD | May 23, 2008 at 03:56 PM
MD - sorry to hear you FIL's condition is not improving. We send our deepest thoughts and prayers to you and the family. We know this is a hard time for you and hope that the Peanut, and other small wonders of this universe, continue to bring light into your days.
God, Howard, the Universe, Haley's comet, Tom Cruise . . . may they all keep you well.
Oh, and if you haven't read Christopher Moore's "Lamb", you should. It's a quick read and hysterical. It's all about Jesus as a boy and his journeys with his best friend Biff.
Posted by: Jrock | May 24, 2008 at 06:20 PM