MetroDad Mailbag (April 2008)

It's been a long time since we've done a mailbag. I figure now is a good time to catch up because I'm about 3 months behind in replying to e-mails from readers.

Let's start off by saying that I'm always surprised by the questions that readers send in. I've always believed that I have the weirdest, coolest, smartest, and strangest readers on the internet. As always, your questions this past week seem to confirm it.

Let's get this thing rolling...

.

Who was the hottest TV mom in a family show? I read on ESPN that Bill Simmons voted for Elyse Keaton. Who would you vote for?
-- Bradley

Elyse Keaton definitely makes the top three. Not only is she attractive but also I think every guy has a secret fantasy about being with a hippie architect. It's one of those weird juxtapositions that you never actually see in real life (like sexy mechanic or slutty surgeon.)

I'd have to round it out with Clair Huxtable (still the hottest female doctor ever on television) and Maggie Seaver (reporter by day/desperate housewife at night.)

Erin Gray as Kate Summers Stratton on "Silver Spoons" wins as hottest step-mother.

Who do you think is going to win this year's American Idol?
--Janet B.

Personally I'm rooting for either David Cook or Syesha but truthfully I don't really feel any great allegiance to any of them. In fact, I don't really even like most of them. Especially the women. Am I the only one?

I can't put my finger on it but there's something that rubs me the wrong way about Carly Smithson, Brooke White, and Kristy Lee Cook. I have the sneaking suspicion that they're not quite as nice as they're trying to portray themselves on television. In fact, there's a big part of me that thinks that when they're home alone and nobody's watching, they kick the dog and make fun of Mexicans.

And can we talk about Kristy Lee Cook for a second? Has anyone since George Bush tried to parlay our feelings of national patriotism into a winning campaign? Every week, I feel like all she does is sing "Amazing Grace" and "God Bless the U.S.A."

Tune in next week as she sings "God Bless America," the following week as she brings home "America the Beautiful," and watch it continue until the season finale when she invades Iran!

I have to go to a karaoke party in a few weeks and I'm nervous as hell. I don't have a great voice and I've never sang in front of other people before. What are your top 5 karaoke songs?
-- Derek

As I've said before, I have a horrible voice. However, after years of trial and error, I've found that there are certain songs that any guy can sing well. Here they are:

Bryan Ferry's "Avalon"
John Denver's "Country Road"
The Ramones "I Want to be Sedated"
Oasis' "Wonderwall"
Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline"

Avoid anything by Guns & Roses, Sting, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, or Jay-Z. These are much harder than you could possibly imagine. If you're really drunk, it's ok to attempt Night Ranger's "Sister Christian." However, under no circumstances should you ever try singing anything by Journey.

You've been warned.

Bobby Flay or Mario Batali? That's it. Just pick one. You can set other parameters if you wish (best to drink with, more feared in an alligator wrassle...)
-- BackpackingDad

To eat their food?  Mario Batali. Every time I eat at Babbo, I end up having dreams about the beef cheek ravioli. Never had drinks with Bobby Flay but Batali can hold his own. That being said, I still want to be best friends with Paula Deen.

Would you consider a partner for MetroDog in near future?
-- Helen

Sadly, MetroDog had a vasectomy several years ago. He kept getting attacked by other dogs at the playground who were jealous of his virility. However, this is a perfect opportunity to relay a funny vasectomy joke I heard on the plane the other day.

After their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough little hillbillies. The husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbillie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Do you and Bosslady have "free passes" for any given celebrity? For example, if my wife is out one night and she sees Clive Owen, she is officially allowed to cheat on me with him. Likewise if I happen to run into Jessica Alba. Who would you and Bosslady choose?
-- JDG

I vaguely remember BossLady and I having this conversation several years ago. I think she chose Colin Firth. I chose Julianne Moore because she lives in our neighborhood and, as I annoyingly mention any time her name comes up in conversation, I'm pretty sure I caught her checking me out on the streets of Soho many years ago. Of course, that was before I had Lasik surgery so it could have been Julianne Moore.

But it also could have been Carrot Top.

Side point: Colin Firth's claim to fame was his starring role as William Darcy in the BBC version of "Pride & Prejudice." It's mindboggling how many women fell in love with him after that. Has any actor ever achieved so much adoration from women from one single role? The only one I can come up with is John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler. Anyone got any others?

What is the most embarrassing concert you have ever attended. Follow up: What was the best live show you've ever seen?
-Sarah

I went to see Tears for Fears a few years back and realized during the show that neither member of the band was an original member.

However, I'd have to say that the most embarrassing concert I ever attended was Ricky Martin. I wish I could say that alcohol, bribery or blackmail were involved. In actuality, a few buddies and I went to see him because we actually thought it would be a pretty good show. Not only have I never been more embarrassed, I've also never felt gayer.

Best live concert? Bruce Springsteen. Front row. Giants Stadium. Backstage passes. Met the Boss. I can now die a happy man.

Truthfully, would you prefer to have BL stay home or work? I don't think there's a perfect scenario as both are equally as hard.
-- Emily

Truthfully, my perfect scenario involves BossLady working and me staying at home.

I have moved to a city, Chicago, with a very rich sports history.  As a Denver-ite with my own sports loyalties, do I even both to acknowledge there are sports team out here and choose the Cubs or the Sox?  Or do I just say that both suck and continue being a home town fan?
-MikeyMike

Unless you're planning on staying in Chicago for the rest of your life, you need to suck it up and remain loyal to your hometown team. That's the cardinal rule, man. No switching loyalties. No jumping on bandwagons. No rooting for two teams.

I love Jimmy Fallon. In fact, he married one of my best friend's sisters. But Fallon claims to have grown up loving the Yankees but then, after filming "Fever Pitch," he switched loyalties and became a Red Sox fan. You can't do that! That's like rooting for the Sunnis and the Shiites.

That being said, there's nothing wrong with being a Rockies fan and going to some Cubs games. There are very few things more enjoyable in this world than drinking a few beers in Wrigley Field and watching the Cubs on a gorgeous Spring afternoon.

I was having a debate with my wife about the 5 most surprising things to ever happen on television. I won't tell you our choices. We just want to hear yours.
-- Jamie

Great question. I think we've all become so jaded about the formulaic outlines of TV plots that we forget those special moments that rock your world. In no particular order, here's my list of Top 5 "Holy shit! I can't believe that just fucking happened" moments that made my jaw drop.

(1) Kimberly taking off her wig on "Melrose Place." I still think that this is the freakiest thing ever shown on television. Seeing that huge scar still gives me nightmares.

(2) Rosalind falling down an elevator shaft to her death in "L.A. Law." Leave it to David Kelly to come up with one of the funniest and most unexpected ways of killing someone off on television.

(3) Teri Bauer's death on "24." Maybe the most shocking death on television. Think about it. In one day, Teri Bauer was kidnapped, tortured, raped, thought her daughter had been killed, got amnesia, and found out she was pregnant. She was rescued, Jack stopped the terrorist plot, and it looked like everyone would live happily ever after. Then, at the last minute, Nina Myers took her hostage, tied her up and slashed her throat, leaving her lifeless body to be found by Jack in the season's final scene. I remember BossLady and I staring at the television with our jaws open and yelling, "No fucking way!" I can't wait until the new season starts.

(4) Mork from "Mork and Mindy" getting pregnant and giving birth by ejecting a small egg from his navel. The egg grows and grows and finally cracks open to reveal a full-grown Jonathan Winters! It's hard to remember how funny and groundbreaking the first season of this show was when it first aired. Whatever happened to that Robin Williams guy?

(5) The entire plot development of "Lost." Season One was one of the most groundbreaking seasons in television. Seasons Two and Three were pretty weak but then Season Four kicked ass again. I think now that that the writers know when the show will end (after season 6,) everything will get a lot tighter and more focused again. It's clear from the glimpse-at-the-future episodes that we can expect "Lost" to continue to excite and shock us right up until the very end.

What are some of the best things about living in New York?
-Hapa Mama

Picnics in Central Park. Taking the subway to work. The energy, the feel, and the pulse. Off-Broadway shows. The architecture. Biking on the west side promenade. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. Skateboarding in Union Square. Sailing in Battery Park. The rooftop bar at the Met, the basement bar at La Esquina, and the outdoor bar at The Boathouse. Having at least six different local newspapers. Having a nail saloon, a 24-hour deli, and a shoeshine store on every block. Having food, cigarettes, and magazines delivered to your door at 3:00 am. The duck shumai at Dim Sum Go-Go. Guss' Pickles on Orchard Street. Pastrami from Katz's deli. Impassioned neighbors. Clashing cultures. An unyielding spirit.

The list could go on forever.

Help, MD! I've been dating my girlfriend for four years now and I'd like to propose to her over the summer. I've been doing some research online about diamond engagement rings and I heard that you're supposed to spend 2-3 months salary on the ring? Are they freaking kidding me? If I had 3 months salary saved up, I'd pay off my student loans, get a car, or buy some health insurance. What should I do?
-- Michael G.

Don't believe the hype. That salary thing is just another marketing campaign. It's an arbitrary amount pushed by the world's largest diamond producer DeBeers, the same people who helped promote apartheid, contributed to the war in Liberia, and have paid million of dollars in fines for international price fixing (for an interesting article, go here.) Do you suppose they have your best interests at heart? I think not.

If you don't have the cash now, you still have plenty of other choices. Like using a family ring or buying one from an antique store. Or getting one made from a precious gem stone. I've heard of some people taking out loans for diamond engagement rings but that sounds like a bad idea to me (especially since you don't have health insurance.)

Besides, we're actually very close to the point where synthetic diamonds are becoming indistinguishable from real ones. So maybe it's not a bad idea to start thinking about alternative stones for engagement rings. Maybe you'll be ahead of the trend!

I was going to ask you what is your favorite color of Crocs... but i know better! Seriously, what do you (as an insider) think is going to be the "I gotta have it" fashion statement this summer?
-- Jennster

My friends always give me shit for being the ideal cocktail party guest. They know that they can dump me on a random stranger and I'll find something to talk to them about---the Dolphins switching to a 3-4 defense, the merits of Norman Mailer, where to find a cheap tailor in Hong Kong, why Nas' Illmatic is one of the best albums of all-time, the highly underrated thrill of milking a cow, etc.

At some point in the conversation, the random stranger will ask what I do for a living. When I reply that I work in fashion, I usually get two responses: (1) "Really? Looking at what you're wearing, I never would have guessed" or (2) "So what's going to be hot next season?"

In all seriousness, I actually pay a lot of money to professional trend forecasters and color researchers to answer that question for me but because I love all of you readers so much, I'll share it all with you.

The big colors for women this summer are romantic pastels and sorbet tones. Platinums, neutrals and milky nude tones are also going to be very popular. The must-have items are flouncy voluminous skirts with fitted tops or cropped jackets.

Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think that I would write that last paragraph.

Let's move on, shall we?

Do you think your Mets will even make the playoffs this year? Especially the way they looked against my Phillies?
-- ByrdMan

I do. If Pedro and El Duque come back healthy, we'll have the best rotation in the NL. Also, it's only a matter of time before the bats start heating up. Beltran, Delgado, and Reyes are notoriously slow starters and usually play better in the warmer months.

By the way, the lovely and beautiful BossLady is out of town for business this week so I took the Peanut to the Mets game last night. Over the course of just 4 innings, my tiny three-year-old daughter ate a hot dog, a cotton candy, a pretzel, and some ice cream. These Dominican guys sitting next to us thought it was hilarious and started cheering her on. I think they half expected her, at some point, to shotgun a beer, belch, and light up a cigar.

We need your help, MD! My brother came to stay with us for 8 weeks. He's generally a good guy. A little uncouth but has a heart of gold. In return for staying with us, he helped watch the kids every day and also babysat on the weekends so that my husband and I could go out to dinner. My 5-year-old son adores his uncle and was like his little shadow during the entire time he was here. The only problem? My son has picked up on all my brother's sayings.

A few days ago, he got up from the dinner table and said, "Be right back. I gotta go take a piss." Yesterday, he was getting frustrated playing with some toys and I heard him yell, "Goddamn piece of crap!" How can I deprogram my son? I need him to stop speaking like a 27-year-old unemployed slacker! Help!
-- Lisa H.

I'm speechless. Short of electroshock therapy, I have no idea what I'd do in a situation like this. Readers? Anyone want to take a shot at this?

Lastly, I got a request from a reporter doing one of those stories on the funny things that kids say. I told her I'd ask my readers and she could look up their responses here. So go for it, my friends. What's the funniest thing you've heard a kid say?

Aside from "Be right back. I gotta go take a piss."

Comments

[Jasmine]

You're the only guy I know who is equally comfortable talking about sports, fashion, literature, and pop culture. Hey, you know what? Your friends are right. You are the ideal cocktail party guest!

[Emily]

#1 - At dinner the other night -

3-year old boy: "Mommy's getting screwed at work!"

Daddy: "What?!"

3-year old boy: "Yeah, somebody's screwing Mommy at work!"

My husband jokingly tried to get a name out of him, and thankfully he named one of his friends, and not any of the men I work with.

#2 - 3-year old boy has a fascination with his penis, and grabs it constantly.

Me: "Stop grabbing yourself."

3-year old boy: "I'm just givin' it some love!"

[divinemissk]

umm, actually, jimmy fallon is still a die-hard yankees fan he just said he felt sympathy for the red sox after making "fever pitch." my best friend and he go to yankees games all the time.

[Tawnya]

Kid comments are a riot. My daughter has come out with some crazy stuff in her four years. When she was three, we had a pretty interesting conversation about school.
Her: Mommy, I want to be an animal doctor when I grow up.
Me: Okay, but first you have to finish elementary, middle and high school. Then you'll have to go to university.
Her: Oh. How about a people doctor?
Me: Same.
Her: Then I'll be an astronaut.
Me: You'll still need to go to school for quite a while sweetheart.
Her: Oh. Well. Can I just be a kid then?
Me: I think that's a great idea.

Of course, the other day when her dad told her to stop whining and go upstairs to brush her teeth, she stomped up the stairs muttering, "whine, whine, whine, whine..." under her breath the whole way.

[Mama Nabi]

Oh my. Hmmm, kids do say the darndest thing - wait, there IS a Cosby theme to all this. :-)

I've noticed that if I get clothes from Korea, I'm set for trend part - they usually are in fashion here by the next season. Why is that? Fashion seems to travel from Europe-Asia-America... is that a fair assumption?

Anyway... I used to have a thing for Ed Norton (love his acting) but am wondering where the hell he is these days...

[Frank]

My wife scored us a near impossible reservation at Babbo last year for my 40th birthday. It was the meal of my life. Had the beef cheek ravioli with black truffles, the rabbit, and the veal loin. Like you, I have dreams about that meal. Sometimes I'll start thinking about it in the middle day and I'll start salivating like a dog.

[Malcolm]

I couldn't read anything past the point where you said you went to a Ricky Martin concert. WTF, MD!

[Avon]

I'm not sure if someone mentioned this, but Claire Huxtable was a lawyer. Cliff Huxtable was an obstetrician.

[Lunasea]

There's a Thomas the Tank Engine song that goes,

Don't give up,
show determination
Don't give up,
you'll be a big sensation.

When A. was just three, he sung this version:

Don't give up
Your penis gets hard sometimes,
Don't give up
Your penis gets hard sometimes.

[Trish]

After putting together a puzzle, my 2 y/o declares, "I'm too smart!"

[Elaine]

I'd been away for business over the past week so I was a little bit smothering when I came back. I guess it was a little too much for my 4 y.o. because at one point he turned to me and said, "Please, mama. I need my space!"

[janet b.]

My husband and I were sitting on the couch and I was reading him your post. He was laughing at all your replies but when I read him the part about the Ricky Martin concert, he kind of gave me a sort of nervous laugh. Turns out HE went to that concert too! I can't believe it. You AND my contractor husband went to see Mr. J-Lo in concert? That really IS embarrassing!

[shana]

How about the time I took my 5-year-old twin daughters to Lowe's and they spotted the gold-color shower heads: "Ooh Mommy, look! Golden showers! I *LOVE* golden showers!" Uhhh. Can we go look at the lawnmowers now?

[Christian]

Kiddo story:
The other day I was holding my four month old who was all smiles and cuddliness when all of a sudden he let out a shriek that sounded like an angry baby pterodactyl and followed it up with uncontrolled crying. My three year old was standing there and looking at me wondering what I was going to do about the sudden outburst, so I said to him, "what's going on? What does the baby want?". In a most condescending tone he informed me that all that the baby needed was for me to "cram that passy in his pie-hole!", and then he walked over, plugged the baby up, and walked out of the room.

[LogicalMama]

As for karaoke, I can't believe you left out Total Eclipse of The Heart!!! WTF?! Best Karaoke song EVER!!

At the gas station, my husband says he's running in for a frapaccino, do I want anything. I ask him to get me a couple of advils, I have a headache. He says, we have advils at home, why didn't you get them there? I say we have frap's at home, he could've got one also. He heads to the shop and I forget my then, 3 yr old is in the car with me and proceed to bitch. I say, "you won't get me advils for a headache, but you'll get your fucking frapuccino." A minute later, husband exits store with frapuccino and as he gets in the car, our son yells, "no dad, no! not the fucking frapuccino!!"

[For the love...]

Years ago my, then 3 year old daughter asked my Husband's new boss..."My Daddy has got a "pen-is" whatchooo got?"

[Dawn]

I defy any female who was a teen in the 80's to say that she did not fall in love with the actor who played Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles. Swoon!!! I think he was in a Cher movie with Winona Ryder (Mermaids?), and then poof! He was gone. I hear he is now a carpenter. He must have strong hands...

[carosgram]

Anyone who accepts free babysitting from a 27 year old slacker is asking for the baby to pick up 'quaint' phrases. You can't get one without the other.

[CaliMommy]

My 4-year-old son and I were sitting on a bench outside a Dental Clinic when an elderly woman was being pushed out on a wheelchair. She was slouching over, her head bobbing from side to side, still sedated from the dental work she most likely underwent. I knew my son was staring intently at her, when he said to me in a solemn voice: "Look, mommy, someone didn't brush their teeth."

[elizasmom]

Today, I had my daughter at work with me, and she was playing with my tape dispenser when a co-worker stopped by and said hello to her. She ignored him, and, when pressed to be polite, muttered, "Can't talk, busy taping."

[Melissa]

Recently my husband and I were driving with our 3 year old and I noticed he had his finger up his nose. I told him to stop and as he pulls his finger out (with a booger on it... of course) he goes "da da da daaaaaaaaaaah! Direct from my nose, for three dollars!"

[Mipsy]

I have a terrible habit of saying "Dry your eyes Princess" about anyone who complains about relatively minor matters.

I have obviously used this once or twice too often on my daughter, who after waking me up to go to the toilet at 2am, and having me ask her to hurry up looks at me with her big baby blues and in an undeniably sulky tone muttered back at me "Dry your eyes Princess"

Better stop using that one....

[Kate]

I never thought I'd hear a funnier comment than my 18month old neighbour asking if my hair holds secrets, but the delicious fart, the fucking frapuccino, and the sedated old woman who didn't brush her teeth, are giving it a run for it's money.

[JJ Daddy's Baby Momma]

Funniest thing a kid said:

Little Mary Sunshine, after seeing the intensely private JJ Daddy get out of the shower, "Mommy, Daddy's got a TAIL!"

[Stephanie]

Dinner tonight after telling a story about a childhood dog:
"Where is the dog now?"
"She died honey."
"Oh, she is in heaven, the big H."

[Cindy]

My oldest daughter coming off the bus on her first day of "Family Life" class with 20 other parents standing around

"MOM I HAVE A VAGINA AND SO DO YOU"

My 4 year old screaming

"I WANT A BAGINA TOO - CAN I HAVE A BAGINA - PLEASE MOM????"

Girls are sooooo much fun.

[Kristine]

Our son is more than a handful, but he does make us laugh. Here are a few of my favorite examples:

One day when Noah was about three, he gently grabbed both of my boobs and said "What are these Mommy?".

After almost choking I said "They're breasts Noah".

"Oh, breasts" he said, "You get them at Target."

Trying not to laugh I replied "hmmmm...
that's interesting, where do you think you find them at Target."

Looking at me like I was a bit lacking in intelligence..."On the shelf, Mommy!".

Ohhhh....

-------------------

While having "words" with one of his teachers:
"Miss Lara, it's Noah's world...get over it."

---------------------

When his teacher wasn't talking to him because he was being mouthy:

"Uhoh, I think someone pushed the pause button."
While holding up a pretend remote. "Click"
---------------------

Daddy: Noah, do you remember how old I am?

Noah: You are fifty.

Daddy: that's great, can you count to fifty for me?

Noah: No Daddy, that would take too long, that would take hours!
-----------------

Teacher: Noah, you don't seem to have your listening ears on, please put them on.

Noah: I can't, they are flying around the room and I can't catch them.
-----------------

The other morning Noah was checking out his nostril with his finger, almost like he'd never encountered it before. I asked him what he was doing and he looked at me with his big brown eyes, and with amazement in his voice he said "Mommy...it's a tunnel...for boogers!"
-------------------
Over the weekend Daddy was trying to get Noah to go upstairs to bed. Of course there was resistance and I hear Daddy tell Noah that "Daddy is in charge." To which Noah promptly responds, "no Daddy, Mommy is in charge!".
-------------------

[Rose]

My then 2-year-old son would get excited when the UPS man would show up, except he'd be yelling "hey you poo ass man!" from the front door.

My now 3-year-old son is happy about being potty-trained and is always talking about his "weenis". He also asked me if his poop came out of his skeleton.

[Shirls]

My 4yr old daughter and I went off to a video shop to get some DVD's and I was aimlessly wondering around looking to see if anything good was in for myself when i see her, also looking at the other dvd's after she has chosen hers. Next minute..in her LOUDEST voice I hear (**shudders at thought**)

* Hello..My name is Borat
I like you
i like sex
Its Niiiiice*
Included was her best Borat accent! (She was looking at the Borat movie on the stand)

Of cos this happened when there were 500 people crammed into a shoe-box sized shop and there happened to be a moment of silence!!! Oh the shame!!!(and if her much older brother happened to be with us..i swear i would have decapitated him on the spot!!!! )

PS: I absolutely love your blog!!!

[NurseRachett]

My little niece is 2 years old now - potty trained, and loves attention. after demanding that she needed to go to the bathroom - we heard the toilet flush and she walked out of the bathroom.

All I remember hearing before my drink shot out through my nose was 'Mommy, I did a turd!!'

[sjk]

I have three funny comments from kids that I have never forgotten.

I grew up on a farm and babysat neighboring farm kids. While helping watch some kids at the county fair so their mom and dad could show the animals, I overheard the 5 year old I was babysitting, behind me, exclaim "who the hel_ put this cowsh_t here!" I blamed the dad for that one.

And my favorite from my own daughter: She potty trained at age 2 1/2, in January, right after Christmas. With all of this on her mind, she's sitting on the potty, proud of her accomplishment, and says, "I did it!" Then looks down some more at herself, thinks and states, "I like my vagina." using the correct terminology that she learned at daycare. Then looked down and thought some more and then said, "Does Santa have a vagina?" (trying to stifle my laugh, but also thinking how astute she was, since her mom is in charge of all of the Christmas planning)

But my favorite, which wasn't my child. Overheard on beach in FL, after a very heavy man walked by with his swimming shorts hiking up. The child said, "look mom, that guy's butt is eating his shorts."

[JACK E. CHAN]

That Kristy Lee Cook/Iran joke was on"the Soup" on E! and highlighted in Entertainment weekly.

[nicki]

My daughter just asked me why my butt smells so funny.

[LissyJo]

This just happened the other day...

I was home with the 3 yr old and the baby and both were losing it. My 3 yr old was driving me up a wall and screaming, causing the baby to cry. I had to stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath.

My 3 yr old stopped screeching and asked, 'Mommy? What are you doing?'

I said, 'I'm trying to be a good mother.'

She pats my leg and says in a most sincere way, 'You're not a good mother, momma!'

...then she prances away all happy and smug.

[Jrock]

You're the man MD! Great picks! If you see a brown guy riding a yellow Gunnar, it's me -- trust me, no one has my bike. I've seen only a few in the 5 years I've had it.

[Liz]

When my son was 3 and my daughter about 6 months old, he climbed up the side of the table to watch me change her diaper.

When I took the diaper off, he began laughing hysterically and said....

Look Mom! Clara's got 2 butts!

[Adriana]

My husband has a clear problem and total disconnect between mouth and brain while driving. His road rage is somewhat under control but he fails to monitor his speech when the 3 year old is the car.

Fast forward. Visiting Grandma. Stuck in traffic. Said 3 year old sitting in the rear cranes her neck to view the traffic situation up ahead and says....

"Fucking Assholes"

while shaking her head.

THANK GOD grandma is hard of hearing.

[Lisa]

In the car on our way to my husband's very Catholic family cookout, a conversation with my 7 year old son:

Him: Mom, you ever heard of this Pope guy?

Me: Of course. He is here visiting Washington, DC today actually. Do you know who he is?

Him: Yeah, he's this guy that has a really cool Mercedes.

Me: Yeah, but there's a little more to him than that son.

[oyama naku]

About going to meetings and finding your child's mementos: When my son was a toddler, he'd leave his favorite toys in one of our shoes. Everyday. That way (after finally asking why he'd do it), we would remember him for the rest of the day while we were at work. I never felt so guilty for leaving him with the babysitter. Mind you, that changed how my husband and I structured our working schedule. He worked days and I worked nights. (Note: we used to live in New York City, now living in the Northwest. And that changed the structure of our lives.) Of course, not everyone can do drastic changes in their lives; one just has to be creative enough to make a family's life livable to their own standards.

[the other amy]

I had the first brief conversation with my pre-teen daughters about basic sex education and encouraged them to talk with me or their dad instead of their friends if they had questions and we'd answer anything they asked. Minutes later my daughter came up to me.

Her---"Mom, I have a question."

Me---thinking "Damn, already" but answering "Yes dear."

Her---"Is it true that Elvis died on the toilet?"

Happy to say that was the easiest question either of them ever asked.

[amica]

My husband, just home from work told me that he was going to go upstairs and get changed. My 2 year old turned to me and said, "Daddy change? Daddy dirty diaper?"

[NikkiD]

My 5 year old son very badly wanted an Iron Man toy from Burger King, which he eventually got. The toy, of course, was cheap - the limbs weren't even articulated. The conversation about the toy went like this:

Hubby: Hey, was it worth it? Huh? Huh? (he loves to tease - it's quite annoying).

Son: (under his breath) Yeah it was worth it, you jackass.

[Shane]

My close friends have a two year old who mispronounces the work "smoke". It instead comes out like the F-word. Her dad finds this hilarious, and sometimes encourages her to use the word in ways like "How the smoke are ya?". Recently they were all present at a gyno visit (mom is pregnant with baby #2). At the appropriate time, the two year old blurted out "What the f--k are you doing in mommie's hoo-ha?"

[Chad]

My oldest son cracks me up on a regular basis, but one of his funniest exchanges ever was this, about six months ago when he was two-and-a-half:

Him - "Dad! Where's the red Robertson screwdriver? I NEED THE RED ROBERTSON!"

Me - "I have no idea. You're probably the last one who used it."

Him (sighing) - "It's hard being a boy without the proper tools."

On the subject of TV moms, it's a shame that only 12 people who aren't TV critics actually watch Friday Night Lights, because Tami Taylor (played by Connie Britton) is the best-kept secret on television. Not only is she gorgeous, she might be the most complete, complex, well-written (and acted) TV mother ever. Seriously.

[Holmes]

Wow, I didn't know you took questions. I'll have to think some up for next time.

Regarding that last one about the kid who picked up the unfortunate speaking habits, if anyone has a foolproof idea, I'd love to hear it because we're dealing with a similar problem. My wife's aunt left New Orleans right before Katrina hit. She had lived there her whole life, and nothing against the good people of NO, but her grammar is atrocious, and it's rubbing off on my 2 year old. Whenever he comes across something new, for example, he points at it and asks "What this are?" I try to correct him, but it's not sinking in yet. Ugh.

[Ryan From Free Backstage Passes]

Elyse Keaton? Come on! Top 50 maybe, but not top 3 and NOT number 1 for sure!

[Aaron]

Sorry I'm late to the game on this one, but I gotta say, greatest Karaoke song has gotta be Tubthumping. Great crowd-pleaser. Just be ready for the seemingly endless chorus loop at the end.

[Steve M]

I've been looking for a "safe list" of Karaoke songs that even I can sing for years. I even lived in Japan for a while where I made it an art to avoid Karaoke. If I'd only had the above list then.... Thank you.

[Ethan, Zach and Emma's Mom]

My three year old used to refer to fire trucks as "fire f--ks!"

[Ethan, Zach and Emma's Mom]

Just saw Jrocks post and remembered my five year old witnessing our infant daughter's first diaper change at home: "So, I see her privates fell off!"