MetroDad Mailbag (April 2008)

It's been a long time since we've done a mailbag. I figure now is a good time to catch up because I'm about 3 months behind in replying to e-mails from readers.

Let's start off by saying that I'm always surprised by the questions that readers send in. I've always believed that I have the weirdest, coolest, smartest, and strangest readers on the internet. As always, your questions this past week seem to confirm it.

Let's get this thing rolling...

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Who was the hottest TV mom in a family show? I read on ESPN that Bill Simmons voted for Elyse Keaton. Who would you vote for?
-- Bradley

Elyse Keaton definitely makes the top three. Not only is she attractive but also I think every guy has a secret fantasy about being with a hippie architect. It's one of those weird juxtapositions that you never actually see in real life (like sexy mechanic or slutty surgeon.)

I'd have to round it out with Clair Huxtable (still the hottest female doctor ever on television) and Maggie Seaver (reporter by day/desperate housewife at night.)

Erin Gray as Kate Summers Stratton on "Silver Spoons" wins as hottest step-mother.

Who do you think is going to win this year's American Idol?
--Janet B.

Personally I'm rooting for either David Cook or Syesha but truthfully I don't really feel any great allegiance to any of them. In fact, I don't really even like most of them. Especially the women. Am I the only one?

I can't put my finger on it but there's something that rubs me the wrong way about Carly Smithson, Brooke White, and Kristy Lee Cook. I have the sneaking suspicion that they're not quite as nice as they're trying to portray themselves on television. In fact, there's a big part of me that thinks that when they're home alone and nobody's watching, they kick the dog and make fun of Mexicans.

And can we talk about Kristy Lee Cook for a second? Has anyone since George Bush tried to parlay our feelings of national patriotism into a winning campaign? Every week, I feel like all she does is sing "Amazing Grace" and "God Bless the U.S.A."

Tune in next week as she sings "God Bless America," the following week as she brings home "America the Beautiful," and watch it continue until the season finale when she invades Iran!

I have to go to a karaoke party in a few weeks and I'm nervous as hell. I don't have a great voice and I've never sang in front of other people before. What are your top 5 karaoke songs?
-- Derek

As I've said before, I have a horrible voice. However, after years of trial and error, I've found that there are certain songs that any guy can sing well. Here they are:

Bryan Ferry's "Avalon"
John Denver's "Country Road"
The Ramones "I Want to be Sedated"
Oasis' "Wonderwall"
Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline"

Avoid anything by Guns & Roses, Sting, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, or Jay-Z. These are much harder than you could possibly imagine. If you're really drunk, it's ok to attempt Night Ranger's "Sister Christian." However, under no circumstances should you ever try singing anything by Journey.

You've been warned.

Bobby Flay or Mario Batali? That's it. Just pick one. You can set other parameters if you wish (best to drink with, more feared in an alligator wrassle...)
-- BackpackingDad

To eat their food?  Mario Batali. Every time I eat at Babbo, I end up having dreams about the beef cheek ravioli. Never had drinks with Bobby Flay but Batali can hold his own. That being said, I still want to be best friends with Paula Deen.

Would you consider a partner for MetroDog in near future?
-- Helen

Sadly, MetroDog had a vasectomy several years ago. He kept getting attacked by other dogs at the playground who were jealous of his virility. However, this is a perfect opportunity to relay a funny vasectomy joke I heard on the plane the other day.

After their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough little hillbillies. The husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The hillbillie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count...

"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Do you and Bosslady have "free passes" for any given celebrity? For example, if my wife is out one night and she sees Clive Owen, she is officially allowed to cheat on me with him. Likewise if I happen to run into Jessica Alba. Who would you and Bosslady choose?
-- JDG

I vaguely remember BossLady and I having this conversation several years ago. I think she chose Colin Firth. I chose Julianne Moore because she lives in our neighborhood and, as I annoyingly mention any time her name comes up in conversation, I'm pretty sure I caught her checking me out on the streets of Soho many years ago. Of course, that was before I had Lasik surgery so it could have been Julianne Moore.

But it also could have been Carrot Top.

Side point: Colin Firth's claim to fame was his starring role as William Darcy in the BBC version of "Pride & Prejudice." It's mindboggling how many women fell in love with him after that. Has any actor ever achieved so much adoration from women from one single role? The only one I can come up with is John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler. Anyone got any others?

What is the most embarrassing concert you have ever attended. Follow up: What was the best live show you've ever seen?
-Sarah

I went to see Tears for Fears a few years back and realized during the show that neither member of the band was an original member.

However, I'd have to say that the most embarrassing concert I ever attended was Ricky Martin. I wish I could say that alcohol, bribery or blackmail were involved. In actuality, a few buddies and I went to see him because we actually thought it would be a pretty good show. Not only have I never been more embarrassed, I've also never felt gayer.

Best live concert? Bruce Springsteen. Front row. Giants Stadium. Backstage passes. Met the Boss. I can now die a happy man.

Truthfully, would you prefer to have BL stay home or work? I don't think there's a perfect scenario as both are equally as hard.
-- Emily

Truthfully, my perfect scenario involves BossLady working and me staying at home.

I have moved to a city, Chicago, with a very rich sports history.  As a Denver-ite with my own sports loyalties, do I even both to acknowledge there are sports team out here and choose the Cubs or the Sox?  Or do I just say that both suck and continue being a home town fan?
-MikeyMike

Unless you're planning on staying in Chicago for the rest of your life, you need to suck it up and remain loyal to your hometown team. That's the cardinal rule, man. No switching loyalties. No jumping on bandwagons. No rooting for two teams.

I love Jimmy Fallon. In fact, he married one of my best friend's sisters. But Fallon claims to have grown up loving the Yankees but then, after filming "Fever Pitch," he switched loyalties and became a Red Sox fan. You can't do that! That's like rooting for the Sunnis and the Shiites.

That being said, there's nothing wrong with being a Rockies fan and going to some Cubs games. There are very few things more enjoyable in this world than drinking a few beers in Wrigley Field and watching the Cubs on a gorgeous Spring afternoon.

I was having a debate with my wife about the 5 most surprising things to ever happen on television. I won't tell you our choices. We just want to hear yours.
-- Jamie

Great question. I think we've all become so jaded about the formulaic outlines of TV plots that we forget those special moments that rock your world. In no particular order, here's my list of Top 5 "Holy shit! I can't believe that just fucking happened" moments that made my jaw drop.

(1) Kimberly taking off her wig on "Melrose Place." I still think that this is the freakiest thing ever shown on television. Seeing that huge scar still gives me nightmares.

(2) Rosalind falling down an elevator shaft to her death in "L.A. Law." Leave it to David Kelly to come up with one of the funniest and most unexpected ways of killing someone off on television.

(3) Teri Bauer's death on "24." Maybe the most shocking death on television. Think about it. In one day, Teri Bauer was kidnapped, tortured, raped, thought her daughter had been killed, got amnesia, and found out she was pregnant. She was rescued, Jack stopped the terrorist plot, and it looked like everyone would live happily ever after. Then, at the last minute, Nina Myers took her hostage, tied her up and slashed her throat, leaving her lifeless body to be found by Jack in the season's final scene. I remember BossLady and I staring at the television with our jaws open and yelling, "No fucking way!" I can't wait until the new season starts.

(4) Mork from "Mork and Mindy" getting pregnant and giving birth by ejecting a small egg from his navel. The egg grows and grows and finally cracks open to reveal a full-grown Jonathan Winters! It's hard to remember how funny and groundbreaking the first season of this show was when it first aired. Whatever happened to that Robin Williams guy?

(5) The entire plot development of "Lost." Season One was one of the most groundbreaking seasons in television. Seasons Two and Three were pretty weak but then Season Four kicked ass again. I think now that that the writers know when the show will end (after season 6,) everything will get a lot tighter and more focused again. It's clear from the glimpse-at-the-future episodes that we can expect "Lost" to continue to excite and shock us right up until the very end.

What are some of the best things about living in New York?
-Hapa Mama

Picnics in Central Park. Taking the subway to work. The energy, the feel, and the pulse. Off-Broadway shows. The architecture. Biking on the west side promenade. Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. Skateboarding in Union Square. Sailing in Battery Park. The rooftop bar at the Met, the basement bar at La Esquina, and the outdoor bar at The Boathouse. Having at least six different local newspapers. Having a nail saloon, a 24-hour deli, and a shoeshine store on every block. Having food, cigarettes, and magazines delivered to your door at 3:00 am. The duck shumai at Dim Sum Go-Go. Guss' Pickles on Orchard Street. Pastrami from Katz's deli. Impassioned neighbors. Clashing cultures. An unyielding spirit.

The list could go on forever.

Help, MD! I've been dating my girlfriend for four years now and I'd like to propose to her over the summer. I've been doing some research online about diamond engagement rings and I heard that you're supposed to spend 2-3 months salary on the ring? Are they freaking kidding me? If I had 3 months salary saved up, I'd pay off my student loans, get a car, or buy some health insurance. What should I do?
-- Michael G.

Don't believe the hype. That salary thing is just another marketing campaign. It's an arbitrary amount pushed by the world's largest diamond producer DeBeers, the same people who helped promote apartheid, contributed to the war in Liberia, and have paid million of dollars in fines for international price fixing (for an interesting article, go here.) Do you suppose they have your best interests at heart? I think not.

If you don't have the cash now, you still have plenty of other choices. Like using a family ring or buying one from an antique store. Or getting one made from a precious gem stone. I've heard of some people taking out loans for diamond engagement rings but that sounds like a bad idea to me (especially since you don't have health insurance.)

Besides, we're actually very close to the point where synthetic diamonds are becoming indistinguishable from real ones. So maybe it's not a bad idea to start thinking about alternative stones for engagement rings. Maybe you'll be ahead of the trend!

I was going to ask you what is your favorite color of Crocs... but i know better! Seriously, what do you (as an insider) think is going to be the "I gotta have it" fashion statement this summer?
-- Jennster

My friends always give me shit for being the ideal cocktail party guest. They know that they can dump me on a random stranger and I'll find something to talk to them about---the Dolphins switching to a 3-4 defense, the merits of Norman Mailer, where to find a cheap tailor in Hong Kong, why Nas' Illmatic is one of the best albums of all-time, the highly underrated thrill of milking a cow, etc.

At some point in the conversation, the random stranger will ask what I do for a living. When I reply that I work in fashion, I usually get two responses: (1) "Really? Looking at what you're wearing, I never would have guessed" or (2) "So what's going to be hot next season?"

In all seriousness, I actually pay a lot of money to professional trend forecasters and color researchers to answer that question for me but because I love all of you readers so much, I'll share it all with you.

The big colors for women this summer are romantic pastels and sorbet tones. Platinums, neutrals and milky nude tones are also going to be very popular. The must-have items are flouncy voluminous skirts with fitted tops or cropped jackets.

Never in a million years when I was growing up did I ever think that I would write that last paragraph.

Let's move on, shall we?

Do you think your Mets will even make the playoffs this year? Especially the way they looked against my Phillies?
-- ByrdMan

I do. If Pedro and El Duque come back healthy, we'll have the best rotation in the NL. Also, it's only a matter of time before the bats start heating up. Beltran, Delgado, and Reyes are notoriously slow starters and usually play better in the warmer months.

By the way, the lovely and beautiful BossLady is out of town for business this week so I took the Peanut to the Mets game last night. Over the course of just 4 innings, my tiny three-year-old daughter ate a hot dog, a cotton candy, a pretzel, and some ice cream. These Dominican guys sitting next to us thought it was hilarious and started cheering her on. I think they half expected her, at some point, to shotgun a beer, belch, and light up a cigar.

We need your help, MD! My brother came to stay with us for 8 weeks. He's generally a good guy. A little uncouth but has a heart of gold. In return for staying with us, he helped watch the kids every day and also babysat on the weekends so that my husband and I could go out to dinner. My 5-year-old son adores his uncle and was like his little shadow during the entire time he was here. The only problem? My son has picked up on all my brother's sayings.

A few days ago, he got up from the dinner table and said, "Be right back. I gotta go take a piss." Yesterday, he was getting frustrated playing with some toys and I heard him yell, "Goddamn piece of crap!" How can I deprogram my son? I need him to stop speaking like a 27-year-old unemployed slacker! Help!
-- Lisa H.

I'm speechless. Short of electroshock therapy, I have no idea what I'd do in a situation like this. Readers? Anyone want to take a shot at this?

Lastly, I got a request from a reporter doing one of those stories on the funny things that kids say. I told her I'd ask my readers and she could look up their responses here. So go for it, my friends. What's the funniest thing you've heard a kid say?

Aside from "Be right back. I gotta go take a piss."

Comments

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