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April 22, 2008


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If a little girl in the playground keeps pushing your adorable daughter to the ground, is it acceptable to give her an eating disorder? Or should I just confuse her by threatening to kick her in the nuts?

I am so with you on this one. I know other children only know what they are taught and/or see at home, but that does not mean that my child and I have to endure their lazy, shitty parents.

I had to laugh about pulling out something with stickers all over it. Definitely understand that one.


I saw that article about baby perfume too! I thought it was a joke. Like something out of The Onion. I can't believe it was real. What is the world coming too?

Derek J.

I don't know about "Sound of Music" but, after two kids, I'm pretty sure I've seen "Finding Nemo" at least 50,000 times. What has it done? Driven me crazy. I now speak only in quotes from the movie.

Last week, a few of us were going to work and I asked one of the interns if he was hungry. He replies, "hungry? why?" My response "'Cause you're about to eat my bubbles!"

Somebody help me!

Rachel E.

Maybe The Peanut will be over The Sound of Music when she's oh, I don't know...sixteen going on seventeen...? (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

Bath fight: My daughter did the same thing and it was driving me crazy because she couldn't seem to tell me what the problem was. Finally she was able to put to words the she was merely COLD!! (She really is bright. Really. She is.) We got a small space heater that we'd turn on about 30 minutes before her bath and that was that.


If you're watching TSOM and you haven't yet started to root for the Nazis, you're doing pretty good.

My DD had a thing for Mary Poppins the year she had all the ear infections. I remember this because she HADDA HAVE it playing for medicinal purposes. DH called me to see how I was doing on Day 2 of the hostage crisis. I sang my response.

Mama Nabi

I didn't watch but listened to "Sound of Music" over and over again as a child... there is NOTHING wrong with bursting into song every time one sees a hill, mountain, or a molehill.
If a kid seems to pick on LN routinely, I take the parent(s) aside and rip them a new one. In front of their kid. Just to show LN's potential inner bitch.
And yes, I am positive that LN suddenly decided to hate mandu just so that I would be minus one lunchbox idea. Grrr.
I bribe LN with different 'monster friend' who will give her the bath... sometimes I also tell her that stinky girls will have no friends.
...screaming and whining doesn't end at age 3? I was a re-do.
Potty-training... trust me, I do know a few adults who have issues making it into the 'potty'. Genetically speaking, I have a reason to be very very afraid.
What, you find my parenting stories boring...?


Mohawk=projection of the parent's fear that they are now terminally unhip.

Snugness is fine if you're willing to have it come around and bite you on the ass at an inopportune moment.

The whining just becomes more articulate. And is mixed with manipulation, which is a new treat once the actual tantrums stop. Something to fill the void.

Crayola sells tablets that color bath water. The kid will get in the "magic" water evertime!

mr. big dubya

What are the future ramifications if a young girl watches "The Sound of Music" 43,287 times between the ages of two and four?

What about Cars? Is NASCAR in my future?

If you are otherwise happy with your nanny, should it matter that her cellphone's ringtone is Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me?"

Would you prefer The DiVinyl's "I Touch Myself"?

Or should I just confuse her by threatening to kick her in the nuts?

I'd go for option 3 - kick the parent in the nuts.


Hahaha....Our daughter just turned two. A few months ago, her breath smelled sweet like peaches and ice cream. This morning, she breathed in my face and I thought I was going to throw up.


I'd love it if my three year old would let me give him a mow hawk.


Yes, I'm pretty sure that my daughter unravels the toilet paper every day just to see my reaction. She thinks watching me totally lose it is the funniest thing in the world.

Backpacking Dad

"If a little girl in the playground keeps pushing your adorable daughter to the ground, is it acceptable to give her an eating disorder?"

Only if you have one on you somewhere. I'm always leaving my extras in the glove compartment.

Paige Jennifer

Um, a few years ago I went to Sound of Music Sing-a-Long. Did I mention I'm thirty-five? Right, so apparently girls NEVER outgrow that film. Sorry!


Are french fries considered a vegetable?

Is television an acceptable babysitter?

Does anyone else open their briefcase at work and find Elmo sitting inside?


*be happy if it's only Def Leppard and not Pussycat Dolls
*we don't bathe our kids every day...about 2-3 times per week unless they come home with the entire sandbox in their butt crack or hair
*when my kids behave on the plane (and they always have...we're very lucky), I almost always feel smug and self-righteous. I sometimes look down my nose at parents that don't think to bring extra-special toys/books/movies for their kids. Or benadryl.


If you are otherwise happy with your nanny, should it matter that she's got the world's most annoying valley girl accent? She's awfully nice but every time she opens her mouth, my ears start to hurt. Even though my daughter is only 6 months old, I don't want that to be the voice she hears all day!


Mary Poppins for us.

No baths for us.

Son just admitted to unrolling the toilet paper and then rolling it back up fast so he wouldn't get in trouble. Loved it.


I don't have any kids, but the word on the street is that I watched SOM every.single.day growing up and I turned out relatively okay...

...wellll, except for that one time my family went to Austria for a ski trip and I insisted on making a detour to Salzburg so I could tour the SOM sites on a cheesy tour bus (note: I would never be caught dead on a cheesy tour bus in any other situation).

other than that, I think you're good.


Do you seriously wash the Peanut every day? M&R are lucky to get a bath twice a week. I tell myself that it's bad for their skin (which does tend to be very dry) to take a daily bath. The truth is that I find baths to be a stressful time suck. As a point of reference, the twins are almost two.


My daughter watched way too much Sound of Music along with Mary Poppins (and later, Princess Diaries). Now 16, she's totally obsessed with Julie Andrews! A little freaky, but her brother and I just sort of bury our heads and hope her obsession goes away with time. At least before she has kids of her own.


wait... ketchup's not a vegetable?


1. As many times as it takes. That’s what daddies do. Never fear, studies have discounted any correlation between overindulging in musicals and insanity.

2. She may join the high school drama club, and believe in the power of good to triumph.

3. Not sure – cats sometimes do the same thing.

4. No - clean babies smell good without any help.

5. No – your own musical preferences at the same age? – or maybe even now? – just sayin’

6. Greatest parenting tool ever. No more sure fire way to get a few moments of uninterrupted conversation with another adult. Throw the happy meal into the pit of bacteria balls and say, “Go get it sweetie!”

7. Neither – just call her a Stinky Doo Doo Meany Head. She’ll run crying to her mommy, and you’ll have vacated the park by the time Doo Doo head’s mom finds you.

8. Yes – but be aware that fate makes parents take turns at feeling smug and self-righteous. Your turn to be on the other end of this equation will come soon enough – so enjoy your moment.

9. No, although you are a rare breed indeed. Most people just interrupt and start in on their own boring parenting stories before you are finished. …. Did I tell you about what my son did the other day?

10. I believe so, yes. Sometimes you gotta kick a little @$%.

11. These people are USING their children to make statements of their own. Beware.

12. Sorry, no.

13. Two words – kiddie pool. Set it up in the kitchen. Have a “beach party”. Viola' clean toddler.

14. Still waiting for that one – you should see the sleeves on my teenager’s sweatshirts. Ewwww!

15. No – but I ended up at a job interview with a Batman band-aid on my hand.

16. Sadly yes – and this will happen well into the teen years. It’s a fact that frustrates me on a daily basis.

17. It depends upon whether or not you transport said baby in the vehicle. Feet of vinegar – car smells like vinegar too.

18. Easy – that’s in the book “What to Expect when you are A TODDLER” Chapter 3 – Getting the Most Bang for Your Tantrum Bucks. – Public displays of bad behavior throw your parents off their game and make them vulnerable.

19. Sadly not by age 15.


I haven't had the Cinderella stickers on the laptop thing happen to me but I did go into a meeting the other day and found that all the ballpoint pens in my briefcase had been replaced by Crayola crayons.


My son throws up every single time he gets in the car. That new car smell? Lasted about two days. A world record!


Anyone have any tips on how to get my toddler to take a bath?

Finally! One I'm qualified to answer! I have two words for you: TUB TINTS. They will change your life.




toilet paper - because we've never get to unroll a whole roll of toilet paper and we're just curious. Plus daddyo's reaction is H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S

mohawk - parents trying out the reverse psychology thing. It's like they can't argue in their teen years that "I've always wanted to try to have a mohawk"

food enjoyment issue - yes! it's entirely possible. At 23, I'm still like that :D Sorry... your stuck!


How to get your daughter to take a bath?

This answer is two-fold:
if she is inclined to climb in bed with you, let her know that she can not get into bed with you that night if she's stinky (in our house, this works like a charm, he looooves to snuggle in bed with us)!
The second part is to warm the towel and jammies in the dryer! SInce you are in NYC, I am assuming you have laundry in the basement which would be too much to ask, but are you willing to invest in one of those towel warmers? You could hang her jammies under the towel to warm them too. It really works, especially in the winter!


Oh, and the stinky feet? My pediatrician told us that is inherited. So, it either comes from you or from Boss Lady. I'll assume it's from you and your feet stink like vinegar, but you are Metrodad so you surely have a hold on that, huh?

Mark D
How many times can a grown man watch "The Sound of Music" with his daughter before he completely loses his sanity?

For me, once.

What are the future ramifications if a young girl watches "The Sound of Music" 43,287 times between the ages of two and four? Will she want to move to Austria? Pursue a career in child services? Abandon a career in the nunnery?


Why do toddlers feel compelled to unravel an entire roll of toilet paper? Is the fun in watching it unroll or in watching your parents go completely bonkers?

The same reason that cats do: to make you wonder why you buy them toys.

Is baby perfume really necessary? Febreeze and scented baby wipes seem to work just fine for us.

Please tell me this is a joke.

If you are otherwise happy with your nanny, should it matter that her cellphone's ringtone is Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me?"

That is directly proportional to the hotness of the nanny.

McDonald's Happy Meals: Ruthless case of aggressive fast-food marketing? Or greatest parenting tool ever?

The former AND the latter.

If a little girl in the playground keeps pushing your adorable daughter to the ground, is it acceptable to give her an eating disorder? Or should I just confuse her by threatening to kick her in the nuts?

The nuts. She'll develop an eating disorder on her own.

Is it wrong to feel completely smug and self-righteous when your kid is the only one not screaming and crying during the entire 5-hour plane ride?

No. Enjoy it. Relish it. Brag about it anyone who will listen. Then remember it when your kid loses it in the McDonald's drive thru.

Am I the only one who listens patiently to other people's boring parenting stories, waiting until they're done so I can tell my own boring parenting stories?

If you were the only one, there would be only one parenting blog.

By constantly telling kids to "use their words," are we raising the next generation of wussies?

No. Words can hurt. So teach them those hurtful words and save your kid a physical battery charge later in life.

Why would anyone let their pre-school son get a mohawk? Is life just not that interesting for him anymore? Is he rebelling? Against what? Vegetables?

Because the parent wasn't allowed to have a mowhawk when he/she was a child.

Wait a second. High fructose corn syrup isn't just like corn? Uh-oh.

Nope. It's actually a poison ... a sweet, delicious, inexpensive poison.

Why does everyone freak out about potty training? Do you have any adult friends who "just never quite got the hang of it?"

Um ... never visited my fraternity house on a Friday, did you?

Anyone have any tips on how to get my toddler to take a bath? These nightly battles are driving me crazy. I'm thinking about throwing Happy Meals in the bathtub to entice her. It makes me feel like a lion tamer.

Tell her if she doesn't she'll be the stinky kid and everyone will make fun of her and she'll never have any friends and never get married and die all alone ... so very, very alone.

If that doesn't work, try a shower.

At what age do children learn to carry their own tissues and blow their own damn noses? I'm getting really sick of reaching into every single pair of my pants and pulling out a half-used snot-ridden emergency tissue.

Why use a tissue when a sleeve is so much more handy?

Has anyone else gone into an important client meeting and taken out their laptop to do a PowerPoint presentation, only to find it covered with 50 Cinderella stickers?

That'd just be you.

Is it really possible for a human being to greatly enjoy a food but then one day decide never to eat it again? Or is that done solely to drive one's father insane?

Yes. And yes.

What lasts longer? That fresh new baby smell or that fresh new car smell? I'm just wondering because my car still smells pretty good but my daughter's feet smell like vinegar.

[Insert witty retort here]

Why do the worst tantrums always occur in the most public spaces with the most number of spectators?

Because at some point your parents passed on the "I hope you have a kid who does the same thing" curse. It's eerily effective.

The screaming and the whining. Does it EVER end?

No. For proof, just watch the average political pundit show.

Hope this helps!

Nick's Dad

Here's a question for the Peanut gallery. My son is in the "take off your clothes whenever nobody is looking and run around screaming at the top of your lungs" phase? Will he ever outgrow this? Or is he destined to be one of those annoying nudists that you always see at Burning Man?


If it weren't for McDonalds, our family would never eat in a restaurant together. With 4 kids, we use Mickey D's as both a carrot and a stick. God bless those Golden Arches.


OMFG! We must be living in parallel universes -my kid is so into completely unraveling the toilet roll into the toilet leaving behind a huge mound of toilet paper festering in the bowl. I don't know why but if we take it off the toilet paper holder she won't undo it. So now the tp sits on the tank. And I admit that my 3.3 Baby Girl is not potty trained (though she exhibits the behavior of being trained e.g. she will go to the bathroom put her stool in position, put the small potty seat on the toilet, take her pants and diaper off and sit for a moment, then get up and walk away. Only once she peed -on her dress). And I fully admit that it makes me anxious to no end. I.want.her.potty.trained.now.
So much of what you ask is true, I thought BG was the only three year old with stinky feet, it's nice to know some other little tyke has smelly peds too.


PS: BG has always loved baths, but now she LOVES baths because at the end of her bath time I run the shower and that, she loves more than the bath itself. Maybe Peanut can be enticed with a shower? Also, I read someone mentioned warm towels and clothes in the dryer. Putting them in front of the heater vent and cranking the heater up for a moment works really well too.


I always make sure not to let my good-behavior-on-planes smugness get out of hand, because that's just asking for karmic retribution.

Baths are twice-ish a week, here. I also use dry skin as the excuse - it helps that the almost 3 year-old won't let me put lotion on her, so her skin really is dry.

We've been on a Toy Story jag around here. But I've been playing Sweeney Todd tunes on YouTube during dinner. I guess I'm opting for the serial killer route. ;)


I don't know about The Sound of Music, but I'm hitting 6 digits on Mary Poppins and the bitch is still laughing, singing, riding around on her fucking umbrella as I pull the last few strands of hair from my head.

I don't know if the whining ever ends. My oldest is turning 13 and it hasn't stopped - the demands are bigger going from Barbie's to Ipods and laptops and cellphones. I haven't given up hope that by the time she marries she will have at least toned the whine down a bit.


1. We got our daughter an iPod Nano and she can watch her movies as many times as she likes without involving our tv or our mush brains. Will it damage her eyes? Probably.

2. Maybe she'll become a famous singer and star in High School Musical 24.

3. My cat did that too. Now in the bathroom my kid uses we leave those "kan do" wipes. Very wasteful, yep - but no more TP cleanup.

4. no. stupid.

5. no. at least she's giving props to 20-year-old music, that's a start.

6. greatest parenting tool ever.

7. tough one - just threaten to shove the bully to the ground. or tell her that santa doesn't visit girls who shove.

8. no. I do.

9. no. I do. I mean, shit - we're reading this and responding, aren't we?

10. no, we're just saving ourselves from the bitch in #7.

11. In my daughter's kindergarten class, one kid has a mohawk and an earring. I live on Okinawa. These kids' parents are military. Even more reason that makes no sense to me.

12. just give her some corn on the side.

13. because while you're potty training it's a ridiculous pain in the ass. no, i didn't have to take off my pull-up on my wedding night, but I also shouldn't have to take along a change of clothes for a 6-year-old who can't tell us about her full bladder in time to get to the toilet.

14. take her to the toy store and buy her any bath toy she wants if she promises the bath without argument. will she stand up for a shower? (if you have one of those shower heads you can take off and wash her) - it's way quicker. Or tell her that the monsters only come if she's dirty.

15. still working on this in kindergarten. good news is, the runny noses are fewer and farther between.

16. no, but I have pulled out a brochure proof with some very nice hand-drawn additions.

17. children do this. mine did this. one day, that food will be back. food battles are my most difficult ones by far.

18. new car smell.

19. just stand back and pretend you're one of the spectators. comment to someone that you can't believe this kid is still at it.

20. whining hasn't ended yet (6 yrs old). screaming has subsided. i play deaf when she whines, it's slowly getting better. slowly.


Just a devil's advocate question here: why wouldn't you let a preschooler get a mohawk? We never did but if he'd somehow got it in his head that he wanted one I don't know what the harm would have been in it. Unless you think this kid's gonna blow his private school interview because of it.

As for the whining, YMMV but it ends breathtakingly fast and suddenly you have a tall, attractive somewhat well spoken if sometimes insolent pre-teen on your hands.

I'm at the stage where my 9 year old is enjoyable enough to prevent me from strangling my whiny 5 year old in the hopes that she too will one day soon be as pleasant as her brother.

The same brother that watched Mary Poppins every day for over a year forever ago. Though you could never get him to admit it now. Still I can ask him "feed the birds and whadya get?" and he'll say "FAT BIRDS" before he realizes it.

My question for everyone else is: Do I really have to have the "talk" with my 9 year old? Won't he figure out enough about the birds and the bees from a weird filmstrip when he gets to middle school?


I feel your pain. My daughter wants me to make her a dress out of curtains and if I hear that song Climb Every Mountain one more time I may just climb a fucking mountain.


I am not qualified to give any comments on above as i'm just pregnant with my first. But i really LOL-ed at the laptop with 50 stickers...that makes my day!


1) Once
2) She'll want to be Julie Andrews when she grows up
3) Unraveling and bonkers parents are both fun
4) no
5) no
6) Greatest tool unless overused
7) Just put on a stern voice and tell her she is not allowed to push down your daughter. That outta scare her enough.
8) Yes - Karma's a bitch
9) No
10) No
11) Because there are bigger battles to win than hair
12) LOL - and fruit snacks don't count as fruit
13) Nah, we're not pushing it that hard either
14) Can't help you there.. Sugarplum LOVES the bath... bath crayons? bath markers? colored bubbles?
15) Sugarplum just put a tissue in her pocket yesterday.. only because she had a pocket though
16) Oh sure.. blame the stickers on your toddler.. likely story :)
17) Get used to it... they constantly change the rules
18) New car smell
19) Because that's the most fun
20) Nope


I raised a teenager and lived to tell about it...nothing scares me!


i totally agree with the last two points.happened to me more than few times.and i just stare at my boy for like 5 mins.and he gets quite and wonder.what happened to mama.it works alot.wow.

Paraic Hegarty

Our little girl is 26 months old and I have not intention of stopping the screaming and crying until she leaves home.


I'm hoping your nanny just has a wicked sense of irony.

And hell to the yeah on the self-righteous plane bit. We sometimes fly to Orlando specifically for that purpose.


I don't know about Sound of Music but if I have to watch Cars one more time, I might go over the edge! At least TSOM is a classic.

Papa Bradstein

No idea about Sound of Music, but the counter on YouTube tells me that we've watched 3B ride with his Uncle P on a tractor 87 times.

Shit, I use baby wipes on myself for those days when there's no time to shower. Who's sniffing my baby anyway, other than Barky?

I don't know when he'll start carrying tissues, but 3B at least asks for one when his nose is running, which is better than having to battle him for the victory of getting smeared with his snot.

No Cinderella stickers, but I do have a bunch of files on my desktop that 3B has renamed by banging on the keyboard. So, that's either our 2007 tax return file or something named "()*&738*^a///>."

You're lucky she waits until the next day to hate food. 3B asked me to make sausage and peas--I know, go figure, but he loves them--last night. Ate the sausage. When I offered him the peas, he acted as though I were trying to poison him.


You forgot the ever important question: Will I ever be able to take a crap without a spectator again?


There's nothing wrong with a daily dose of Julie Andrews... :)

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