The Peanut has been sick as a dog for a week. How do I know this? Many reasons but mainly because while sleeping in our bed the other night, she lifted her head, threw up on my face, and whispered, "I think I'm sick, Daddy."
By the way, I'm no scientist but I'm pretty sure that toddler vomit is composed of asparagus pee, gorganzola cheese, dirty socks, and week-old Indian food. I've gone through 3 bottles of Kiehl's Pineapple Papaya facial scrub and I STILL can't get the vomit smell out of my skin. WTF?
Anyway, being that we live in such an egalitarian household, BossLady and I have been taking turns staying home with the Peanut.
Now, let me ask you something---did any of YOUR fathers stay home with you when you were sick? I'm not sure whether it's cultural or generational but my father NEVER stayed home with me when I was sick. I don't think he even would have known what to do with me. He probably would have made me do homework while he practiced putting in the living room.
Peanut and I had a fun time together while she was home sick. However, during the course of the day, I've come to learn a lot about sick toddlers. Want to know the most important thing I learned?
They're fucking crazy!
One moment, we'd be cuddling up together on the couch under a blanket and watching "Happy Feet" for the 8 millionth time. Two minutes later, she's screaming her head off at me.
I tried to transcribe the snippets of conversation that came out of her mouth today. Here's a brief compendium:
"Daddy, I love being cozy with you. You're number one."
"I DON'T WANT A SWEATER, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO PUT ONE ON ME, I WANT A JACKET, NO, NOT THAT JACKET, THE OTHER JACKET, WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME? ARE YOU BLIND? DEAF? STUPID? GO AWAY! I HATE YOU! WAAAHH!!!"
"This soup is yummy, daddy! Thank you so much for making it for me. I love you soooo much."
"I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW, NO, I CAN'T WAIT ONE SECOND, FORGET YOU, I'M PEEING AS WE SPEAK, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, I WANT MY MOMMY, I HATE YOU DADDY, I'M GOING TO PEE ON YOU AND WHILE I'M PEEING, I'M GOING TO SCREAM AS LOUD AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE! WAAAHH!"
"I like staying home with you. Can we do it again tomorrow? Maybe mommy can stay home with us? Want some of my ice cream, daddy?"
Seriously, sick toddlers are like Sybil, John Nash, and Syd Barrett all rolled up in one.
Personally, I think Peanut is just pissed because I kicked her little three-year-old ass in Scrabble. She's really cute but she's got the vocabulary and spelling skills of a chipmunk. Shit, half the tiles she threw down weren't even facing upwards. Does she think I was born yesterday? There are only two blanks in the entire game and she's throwing three of them down in a single turn? Nice try, kiddo.
She really got pissed when I started doing my touchdown dance and sang my version of Queen's "We are the Champions!" Little did she know that I'm the Scrabble Master!
Before I had a kid, I swore I'd never tank and lose games to him or her on purpose. I hate seeing parents prop their kids up with false self-esteem. These days, it seems kids get praised just for putting their sneakers on the right feet. Shit, my dad never let me beat him in anything and he never showered me with false praise. And look how well I turned out!
Just kidding.
Was I too cruel? Do you let your kids win in games?
In other news...
(1) Whenever I'm sick, I crave some old-school Korean ox tail soup. I made a huge batch for the Peanut the other day and she loved it. While eating the meat, she asked me what it was and I stupidly replied "a cow's butt." Needless to say, there are probably no funnier words in the English language to a 3-year-old than "cow's butt." I'm a freaking idiot.
(2) When my friend Leah Peah interviewed me and asked me to confess a secret, I joked that when it’s late at night, I pour myself a drink and watch re-runs of “Extreme Makeover” so I can cry myself to sleep. Well on Sunday night, I found myself watching the show. It focused on a single father raising 5 sons by himself in the 'hood. None of the kids had beds. Food and money were tight. The father had suffered two heart attacks. And despite all the hardship, the dad still managed to found a community group focused on helping other single dads. There was so much love in the house and the episode was so touching that I found myself bawling elephant tears into my scotch. Man, fatherhood has really made me soft.
(3) RIP Norman Mailer. I was fortunate enough to have met you several times over the years. You were always so gracious that it always threw me for a loop. I guess I expected your reputation as a tough guy to precede you. But you were a bear of a man, a hell of a writer, and one of my all-time literary favorites. There will never be another writer like you. You'll truly be missed. Screw the haters!
My dad is Korean and my mom is Jewish so whenever I used to get sick, I'd have oxtail soup AND matzo ball soup. Best of both worlds!
I hope Peanut is feeling better. Nothing worse than a sick toddler.
Posted by: Lena | November 13, 2007 at 11:38 AM
First of all, to Lena's comment, biracial fusion make-you-feel-better food? Awesome!
And MD, I feel you, dude. The Pumpkin was sick end of last week thru the weekend. She just potty trained herself, so watching a 3-year-old wake up over and over in the middle of the night and try to pee but she can't cuz it hurts--sucks. And then the vomiting. Yeah, glad she's better--and hope Peanut is too.
Posted by: daddy in a strange land | November 13, 2007 at 12:21 PM
Damn, do all toddlers get sick during Nov.?
My husband wasn't too pleased at my latest adventure in programming of our 18 month old when at 3:30 in the AM, in the middle of our bed, she starting singing, "'morrow, 'morrow, I love you, 'morrow." I tried to remind him that she's sick, deserves a break and he'll think it's funny, tomorrow.
Posted by: Shannon | November 13, 2007 at 01:01 PM
Oh, that made me think of when I was little. I spent the better part of my second grade year out of school with recurrent strep throat. Usually, my mom stayed home with me, but on the odd times that she couldn't, my dad would simply pack me up and take me to school with him (he's a jr. high shop teacher). He'd put a little cot in his office, and tell me to just sleep it out, and if I needed something, he'd be back between classes.
Of course, he's been teaching for about 35 years now, and with the exception of hospitalization (like that one time when he got hit in the eye with a softball), he has never EVER missed a day of teaching. The man's in the process of an every-two-week, six month course of chemo, and he schedules his dosing for late friday afternoon so that he'll be back in the classroom on Monday.
Of course, now I'm married to a professor who won't even miss a day on Tues/Thurs when he doesn't teach.
Me? I don't get that at all...
Posted by: KateW | November 13, 2007 at 01:07 PM
LOL my dad used to occasionally stay home with me, and he would go to blockbuster and rent me any movie i wanted and buy me anything foodwise that i wanted. staying home with dad rocked!
hope little miss peanut is all better soon!
Posted by: jennster | November 13, 2007 at 01:07 PM
Is there anything better than cuddling on the couch with a sick toddler and watching "Happy Feet?" There's a small part of me that loves when my daughter gets sick so I can stay home from work and cuddle with her.
Posted by: Helen | November 13, 2007 at 01:13 PM
Are you talking about the "Extreme Makover" episode with the Marrero family? My parents were over for dinner on Sunday night so we all watched it together. You've never seen so many tears in your entire life. The four of us were sitting there and bawling our eyes out. What a great dad that guy was. Truly an inspiration.
Posted by: JanetB! | November 13, 2007 at 01:15 PM
Aw... man, all our toddlers are doing the sick-dance... (LN just got over a week long bout with stuffy head, bit of throwing up (from coughing too much), lots and lots of snot.)
Ox-tail soup - hell yah! Nothing more entertaining than a cow-butt soup for a toddler. Mmmmm...
No, my dad never stayed home with me... PN doesn't even go near LN when she's sick... so, in my book, Metrodad, YOU ARE ONE KICKASS ROCKIN' DAD.
Oh yes, the toddler Sybil act while sick... isn't it all too horrifying? Sometimes I find myself frozen because I'm afraid to make a single move in case that be the one move to break the proverbial camel's back... and lest I have an inconsolable child whose face is covered with eternal spring of mucous discharge...
Kisses and hugs to Peanut - hope she's much much better!
Posted by: Mama Nabi | November 13, 2007 at 01:33 PM
Although I would like to say my Korean father beat the sicknesso ut of me, he would just look at me and tell me to go study despite my sickness.
Oddly, he never brought up some crazy walking through the snow both ways to school and never getting sick thing. My mother ont he other hand, talked about putting sweet potatoes in her pockets to combat the chilly Korean winters.
Posted by: Mikeymike | November 13, 2007 at 01:35 PM
Me, it's chicken noodle soup and Drambuie. I swear, the alcohol just burns the germs right out of your throat. In fact, I'm going to go have some now...
But first, wait, are toddlers supposed to be putting their shoes on the right feet? If mine would concede that, I might just do the happy dance. But she did spell her first word the other week, so that's something.
Posted by: kittenpie | November 13, 2007 at 02:18 PM
My niece had strep and my mother relocated to Atlanta to care for her so my sister could work while her exec husband was somewhere else like China or Switzerland on business. Anyway, my niece curled into her like a sloppy wet noodle for five days straight. She eventually got better and ever since, she won't go near my mom. One look of her and my niece screams like she just saw a monster and runs for any possible open door. Makes me laugh every time, though makes my mom a tad weepy.
Posted by: Paige Jennifer | November 13, 2007 at 02:23 PM
wait, your kid is 3 and you're just finding out that toddlers are insane? I want a refund!
My dad did stay home with us on some occasions. My parents were both NYC teachers at the time. But my favorite memory of my dad related to sickness is the little goodies he'd bring home for us- usually a magazine or puzzle book and a bag of Brach's butterscotch candies. Mom was in charge of the chicken soup.
Posted by: nyjlm | November 13, 2007 at 02:25 PM
I would "stack the deck" of the cards in Candyland so I would go right over the rainbow bridge and she would pick up the Queen Frostine card right away which moves the game along much faster!
Posted by: Bopper | November 13, 2007 at 02:27 PM
must be something going around in toddler-world. 50% of the midget's preschool class has been out sick this week. so far, we've been lucky but i think we all know that won't last!
Posted by: mjr | November 13, 2007 at 02:47 PM
I have a horrible sinus headache every Monday morning from all of the bawling I did the night before watching Extreme Home Makeover. Happens every single week....
Posted by: Rachel E. | November 13, 2007 at 03:21 PM
did you know that kimbop comes out of a child like tar? been there at 2 a.m. and a screaming toddler with kid-vomit all over me and the bed.
dad never stayed home when we were sick. heck i never stayed home when i was sick. just once . . . and mom tried to make me clean the house. =/ korean parents - what can you say?
Posted by: Angie in Texas | November 13, 2007 at 04:44 PM
My otherwise normal daughter turned schizo this weekend due to a head cold and an ear infection. She would melt down at the most minor provocation. A few times, I thought her head was going to spin around and explode!
Posted by: Lisa K. | November 13, 2007 at 05:33 PM
I was only really sick once. I got the flu for a week when I was six, and might have also had the ear infection where we found out I'm allergic to amoxicillin. My parents took turns staying home with me.
Posted by: Rach | November 13, 2007 at 05:39 PM
As a new dad, I've gotten a ton of wonderful parenting tips from http://www.dadlabs.com/. It's a terrific recourse; I highly recommend it.
Posted by: Jeff | November 13, 2007 at 05:55 PM
I used to get sick all the time when I was a little kid but my dad NEVER stayed home with me. He would sneak candy into my room though. You gotta love dads.
Posted by: Brina | November 13, 2007 at 06:12 PM
I was one of those obnoxious students who never missed a day. Ever. Even now, I have to be extremely sick to miss work.
Posted by: enygma | November 13, 2007 at 07:41 PM
Your interview on the Leah Peah blog was hilarious. I laughed out loud the whole time I was reading it. You're a funny man, MD. Keep up the good work.
Posted by: samantha rosen | November 13, 2007 at 09:35 PM
Yeah, I totally stacked the Candyland like Bopper, except I was the kid.
I was a very tricky 4 year old.
Posted by: Bliss | November 13, 2007 at 10:14 PM
Poor Peanut! I hope she feels better soon.
Well, my dad stayed home with us during the summers--so I gues that included sick days.
Posted by: landismom | November 13, 2007 at 10:46 PM
For real fun, take her to get her hair cut while she's sick. OK, so 3B's not vomiting, but still, what's up with the sickness schizophrenia?
Also, regarding #2 in that last list: are you sure that you're not pregnant? How's your sense of smell these days, my man? Getting any sleep...you know, between barf episodes? I'm just saying, it's all very suspicious.
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | November 13, 2007 at 11:05 PM
I do remember one time my dad stayed home with me. He tried to make me an English-Muffin pizza and he set the toaster oven on fire. It was the first, and the last time.
P/S I'd kick your ass at Scrabble
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | November 13, 2007 at 11:27 PM
best description of toddler vomit ever.
and I'm with ya all the way re: extreme makeover
Posted by: savvydaddy | November 14, 2007 at 12:02 AM
My dad used to take me to work with him when I was sick. I loved being sick. And, no, I won't fake losing. I have an aunt who never, ever did that. How satisfying when I finally won.
Posted by: Becky | November 14, 2007 at 09:14 AM
my mom taught us scrabble as soon as we could read. she said she'd go insane if she had to play one more game of candyland. she handicapped us an extra 25 points and then played her best. needless to say, she won consistently for many years but we loved it!
Posted by: Rachel | November 14, 2007 at 09:24 AM
Poor peanut, I hope she feels better soon. Nothing worse than a sick child. Right now I'm dealing with not such a small child anymore having the chicken pox. Oh fun.
oh btw, I'm new to your blog.
Jillian
Posted by: Jillian Curtis | November 14, 2007 at 10:04 AM
I should have known you were a Kiehl's guy, MD. Your resemblance to my husband never ceases to amaze me. Hope the Peanut is feeling better!
Posted by: Delphine | November 14, 2007 at 10:08 AM
My husband stayed home with our youngest son one time when he was sick. One of his friends called him to go to lunch, so he took our sick child, too. I think he learned a valuable lesson, however, when shortly after their food arrived, our sick child threw up in his plate!
Posted by: mommacat44 | November 14, 2007 at 10:22 AM
It's nice to see this generation of fathers picking up the slack and assuming more of the child-rearing responsibilities. Way to go, MD!
Posted by: Beth | November 14, 2007 at 10:57 AM
Can I get a copy of that Ox Tail Soup recipe? My Polish grandmother died with it, & I miss it.
Posted by: Fer | November 14, 2007 at 11:32 AM
When I was little my dad used to stay at home all the time when I was sick, when I was sick as a teenager he used to come home early with slurpees and videos and we would just hang out.
Now that he is gone those are some of my favorite memories of him. They totally rock.
Way to be a cool Dad, MD!
Posted by: Sleepynita | November 14, 2007 at 11:46 AM
"Happy Feet" is my son's favorite movie right now, which means that we've watched it at least 130 times by now. I'm thinking of burning it. Do you think that would scar him?
Posted by: Vesla | November 14, 2007 at 11:50 AM
Crying during Extreme Home Makeover is a weekly secret of mine. Something about it helps me remember how many amazing people there are in the world.
I don't let my nieces win for no reason, their mom does though. They prefer to play games with me. I think teaching kids they have to work to win is a better way to teach them, then to just let them win all the time. I feel that way about kids sports that don't keep score either. It's just plain stupid.
I hope the Peanut feels better soon.
Posted by: Phoenix | November 14, 2007 at 02:34 PM
I just read your Leah Pean interview. So funny and who knew you were so hot? Damn, MD!
Posted by: Helen C. | November 14, 2007 at 03:19 PM
oh yes! i am so glad i can come out about my Extreme Home Makeover weekly cry because someone cool like you mentioned it. every week i raise my fist and say 'Darn you Ty Pennington!!' - but i truly love the show. My daughter Cassidy had her first cold this week. i have never seen her more wretched! i wonder how old she should be before i can feed her soup.
thanks for the great blog. you rock!
Posted by: mom o cass | November 14, 2007 at 03:24 PM
Funny how our 'oh so sound' principles cave when we have children of our own.
Cheers
Posted by: Maddy | November 14, 2007 at 05:23 PM
My kids act like Sybil even when they´re not sick!
Posted by: naskew | November 14, 2007 at 06:29 PM
I don't think you are truly a modern dad or a metro dad until your kid pukes all over you. My son threw up on me just as I was finishing a story in the newsroom, and my cubicle never smelled the same.
Posted by: Working Dad | November 15, 2007 at 12:51 AM
"There was so much love in the house and the episode was so touching that I found myself bawling elephant tears into my scotch."....one of the best blogging lines I have ever read...
Posted by: lotus07 | November 15, 2007 at 10:19 AM
Mmmm. . .cow-butt soup. If I wasn't so nauseous from your description of the Peanut's puke, that might make me hungry.
Posted by: beloved | November 15, 2007 at 12:23 PM
I love gaming and I never let my kids win. I also don't play games with them that they don't have a chance at :). A kid needs to learn to lose as much as to win.
Posted by: Mark Keisler | November 15, 2007 at 12:50 PM
hope she feels better soon. I love the cow's butt soup too. I never win against my 19 month old son. He pretends not to understand English. My mom won a lot of battles that way too.
Posted by: momomax | November 16, 2007 at 01:08 AM
Oh, poor Peanut and what a caring Daddy you are for making the soup. What? No Popeye's chicken to sooth the soul?
Yeah, I'd stop playing games with my kids when they are sore losers. Someone ought not to sugar coat things, life's a bitch dude!
Posted by: Waya | November 16, 2007 at 10:04 AM
I'm sure if MetroDad behaved like Norman Mailer toward women, BossLady would have his ass on the street.
Posted by: Norman Mailer the Criminal | November 16, 2007 at 10:34 AM
Peanut is 3 and this is the first time she's vomited on you guys? Consider yourselves lucky! Our daughter is 2.5 and she's barfed on us at least 5 times.
Posted by: eha | November 16, 2007 at 11:59 AM
Well we're Indian which is as Asian as you. No extra praise, no losing to us. In fact my Uncle and Dad always cheated at Monopoly and at Scrabble - so when my brother and i finally won a game its because we'd figured out smarter ways to cheat!
Posted by: the mad momma | November 16, 2007 at 02:59 PM