Rocking Out & The Office: A Comedy of Terrors

I've got this theory that if you could somehow harness the destructive tendencies of toddlers, you could solve the world's energy crisis. 

I mention this because as I sit here typing, the Peanut is here in the office with me and has been a non-stop whirlwind of living chaos.  In a misguided attempt to avoid the crush of Friday afternoon NYC summer traffic, I figured I'd just bring her here for a few hours and then we'd leave early to hit the beach.  I'm such an idiot.

In the past 3 hours, she's done the following:

• Eaten two of my business cards ("Look, daddy. I'm chewing gum!")

• Spilled apple juice on my laptop

• Thrown a huge tantrum because I wouldn't let her play with the stapler

• Drawn all over her face with a magic marker 

• Covered my briefcase with FedEx shipping labels

I finally got her sedated with some Chicken McNuggets and "The Sound of Music" DVD.  Look how happy she is now:
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Five minutes ago, she was Satan incarnate. I swear, these toddlers come with an On/Off switch.  Flick the switch on and they're certifiably insane.  Flick it off and they're sweet as molasses.  Someone really needs to develop a remove control for toddlers.  How great would it be if this really existed?

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By the way, Chicken McNuggets and "The Sound of Music" are my  "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass" tantrum stoppers.  They've saved my ass a million times.  Sometimes, if I don't have either one, I'll start singing "Do, Re, Mi" and the Peanut will stop freaking out and start singing with me.

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Speaking of the sounds of music...

One of the reasons I love Tony and Warren so much is because they share my love for classic 70's rock.  Lately, Warren and I have been ribbing Tony because, every night, he waits until his wife and baby fall asleep and then he starts rocking out to Rush's YYZ on Guitar Hero 2. 

This week, the three of us have been e-mailing some funny shit to each other.  One was the mock Onion article on the sluggish sales for Sousaphone Hero 2.  The other was the new Verizon commercial with AC/DC.

Then, last night, I stumbled across a blog post asking readers which band they would have liked to have fronted.  The rules are simple.  As my friends at KSK put it: 

"You can pick any band from any spot in time. This may not be your favorite band, just the band that would promise the awesomest life experience should you be the lucky person who fronted it. You sung. And possibly played the lead guitar. You did all the coke. And you nailed all the groupies. If your frontman died young, so did you. Hip hop bands and solo artists welcome."

Me?  Despite my love for Bruce Springsteen, the Replacements, the Cure, and Public Enemy, I think I'd have to go with Pearl Jam.  I saw them open for the Stones once and it was amazing.  Eddie Vedder drank on stage, mumbled a bunch of words, had the audience sing half the songs, and then got swarmed by a million adoring female fans.  Plus, if you can look good in flannel, you can look good in anything. 

What about you, MD readers?  What's your choice? And why? 

Comments

[Brent]

First!

I'm going with the Bee Gees. Free love and disco cash, baby!

[mr. big dubya]

I'm going with The Bay City Rollers. Those tight white jumpsuits with the plaid accents; shag haircuts; and the undeniable greatness that is "Saturday Night?" How can you not?

Ok, ok real answer? I'd have to go with New Order. I think being a part of the whole early Manchester/Factory scene with Happy Mondays, OMD and the like would have been really pretty cool. Then to have a career that lasts into the 2000s and be thought of as one of the most seminal bands to come out of the 80s as well as a major influence in alternative and dance - that's not too bad.

[twizzle]

I'd have been David Lee Roth of Van Halen. Nobody had an ego like that guy. And, he got to insist that hotel staff remove all brown m&ms from the mix before serving them.

[Steph]

Bono.

[Jenny]

I don't know what frontman I'd be but that toddler remote control is awesome.

[Heather]

Debbie Harry of course. She was super hot, had a great voice, hung out with the Ramones, is still alive today...need I say more?

[stephanie]

John Lennon of the Beatles. Without the getting shot part.

[croutonboy]

You think I'm good at Guitar Hero, you should see me at Sousaphone Hero! I totally crushed "The Glory of the Yankee Navy" and unlocked a sweet Holton silver sheet-brass model with FOUR non-compensating piston valves!

This challenge is a great--and tough--one. Do I go with 1977 Johnny Rotten? 1968 Mick Jagger? 1973 Donny Osmond?

No. It can only be Bon Scott-era AC/DC. Great band, insane personalities, and proof positive that drugs are for pussies...killing yourself with alcohol is the man's way to die.

[Phoenix]

I plead the fifth. I'm too ashamed. ;)

Peanut looks so sweet and innocent. For my niece (just turned 3)it's a bag o' fruit snacks, preferably the Nemo ones and the Incredables on DVD. But whatever works.

[JJ Daddy-O]

If the rules of this contest allow me to be a frontman with no adverse consequences (bankruptcy, STDs, rehab or plane crashes), then I would like to be either Robert Plant or Ronnie van Zant, circa 1976.
Swigging Martell and snorkeling up lines while groupie-groping with both hands? What's your name, little girl? Does anyone remember laughter?

[Carol Snider]

ABBA! They SOUND like they're all kinds of happy and perfect. But.

Carol

[Meg]

Gotta be Jimmy Buffett. During the summer, cruise around and play outdoor concerts for uber-loyal fans who really wouldn't care if you played the same song 15 times. During the winter, fly your seaplane around to new and exotic surf spots? C'mon now....Best life ever.

[J-Dog]

Hey, if you're going to be a rock star, you might as well be a ROCK STAR. Only choice for me is Mick Jagger.

[Jonathon Morgan]

I'd be Nigel Tufnel.

[Alanna]

No doubt about it, I'd be Joan Jett. Sexy swagger rules!

[mamazilla]

re: the peanut... STOP. WATCHING. ANIMAL. HOUSE. i keep telling ya - little pitchers, big ears.

re: fronting a band... i'd have to be a spice girl once in my life... they must have a great shoe allowance. and then there's the one that gets to play with soccer balls off stage.

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

I'm seeing a whole Rotisserie League thing that could be done here - pick your band, hits/Itunes downloads add points, dying and/or rehab deducts points. You'd have to design a pretty complicated algorhythm for tabloid/magazine covers, weird stalkers, kids (biological or adopted), divorces, band dissolution/reformation, arrests and more.

It could also be developed to play historical eras, say, British Invasion to Woodstock.

I'd be Adam Horovitz or maybe Madonna before she got all freaky.

[Roger Rabbit]

I brought my daughter to work one day at the beginning of the summer. NEVER AGAIN. She wanted some pencils so I told her to go to the supply closet next to my office. After literally 2 minutes, I got suspicious so I went to look for her. I found her completely covered in toner ink. Head to toe. You should have seen me try to explain that one to her mother!

Lead singer-wise, I'd have to go with KISS.

[Mrs. Chicky]

I'm torn between Joan Jett and Stevie Nicks. There's something about Joan Jett that's scary sexy, like she'd beat a guy around a bit before getting him in the sack. Plus the whole guitar thing. Too cool.

Then there's Stevie. I love Stevie. I want to pull off wearing silk scarves like Stevie. But she slept with Mick Fleetwood and that's just... Ew.

[Brina]

I think I'd like to be Gwen Stefani. Mainly so I could go home to Gavin Rossdale every night. Yummy!

[kate]

IGGY POP all the way. Think of all the people he's known.

[Hygiene Dad]

RUSH. The chance to be together for thirty years and evolve so tightly as a band is incredible.

Plus, I'm in awe of Neil Pert and I'd probably pee my pants if I could play with him every night...musically speaking, of course.

I love the Sound of Music. I swear if we met for dinner and you started singing that, I'd mellow out as well. Peanut is my kind of lady.

[whit]

Easy, the yellow wiggle.

I think my second pick would be David Bowie, that dude has had an interesting life.

after watching the rock of love w/brett michaels, i'd be brett michaels!

[nonlineargirl]

Now why haven't I thought of chicken nuggets? I could have used that this morning, when my gal was screaming and crying because I had the audacity to hand her a handful of almonds instead of ALL the almonds. I heard "I want the whole thing!" at high decibel for the whole ride home.

[Henri]

Dude you can't be serious...this is way too easy. K-Fed all the way.

[Henri]

Whoa and New Order were just the crappy leftovers scraps from Joy Division. Flame ON!!!Advertising on my Blog ON!!!!!!!!

[MetroDad]

Henri...your new nickname is officially Popo Zao.

[Nick]

I guess I'll go with Led Zeppelin but there's a part of me that really thinks it would be fun to be Simon LeBon.

[Mom101]

I'd have to go with Blondie I think. The only problem is that then I wouldn't get to hang with Debbie Harry because basically, I'd be her. The other problem is the frightening backstage rooms at CBGBs.

Otherwise I'd have to say the Clash just because I'd never get tired of hearing my own music.

[Mocha]

My iPod is about to blow up. No joke. Can I be Tina Turner? Because when her hair was big? Well, yeah. That'd be me right about now.

Can't much comment on her legs, though. I'm not that gutsy.

[Henri]

That's creepy....my real nickname is already Popo. As in Five-Oh. I'll go by P Ziddy for short from now on though. (Damn I just can't stop freestyling can I?)

[bitemycookie]

you really carry a briefcase? swear?

[Chris]

I can't believe more people haven't gone with Zeppelin. Of course, were I to front them, I'd have picked up an electric guitar. Hammer of the gods, indeed.

[mercybuttercup]

I don't even care about the offstage shenanigans - I have wanted to be in Parliament since I was a nerdy 10-yr-old girl and I'm not stopping now.

Nuggets are usually my foolproof dinner plan. But tonight, the Captain informed me that "I'm afwaid of dem." Sigh.

[galadriel]

Go here to see some real serious Satan incarnate action...http://egoazulgrande.blogspot.com/2007/02/this-is-what-happens-when-you-need-to.html

Glad it all worked out.

[momto3cubs]

LMAO, I love the remote!

What a sweet photo of Peanut!

Which band...Motley Crue? Guns N Roses? Def Leppard? Boston? Rush? Poison? (recently saw them and loved it) Van Halen? Couldn't decide.

[Michael B.]

Definitely Genesis when Peter Gabriel was fronting them!

[samantha Jo Campen]

I, too, say Gwen Stefani. She's beautiful, also has a fashion empire, hasn't been involved in any scandals, has a HOTTIE husband and cute kiddo, and exudes wealth.

Yeah, I wanna be her. Plus her abs are AMAZING.

[LeeMarvin]

I'm glad you've found out what Peanut's Tantrum Antidote is. Mine were all different. One of them like MickeyD's fries. That was an all time show stopper.

The tot remote would be a great idea!

As for bands, I'd like to be Ray Charles, James Brown or my all time favorite...TAFKA...Prince. Shout out to mecrybuttercup for the Parliment props, but (imho) they were never as good in concert as they were on record. Plus, the guy walking around on stage with a diaper takes on a new meaning with the popularity of Depends!

[Katrina]

I'd take the early death to be John Coltrane. Seriously, how musically blissed-out I would be to have access to that musical brain and be able to play with all those badass cats.

[Lincoln]

U2...even though Bono is starting to annoy the crap out of me.

[landismom]

Pat Benatar. From the "Love is a Battlefield" era.

Even with the painfully bad dancing.

[Papa Bradstein]

Then--
Jon Anderson/Yes: But only to sing Starship Trooper live.
Robert Plant/LZ: But only if I didn't ever have to sing fucking Stairway to Heaven.
Bob Dylan: But without the motorcycle crash and born-again years.
Now--
Beck.
As for the toddler thing, we went to dinner tonight with a group of friends, even though 3B hadn't taken his second nap today. It was like trying to entertain an octopus with ADHD that had just raided Marion Barry's crack stash. Good times.

[MetroDude]

Dude, unless your secretary is a fantastic babysitter, having the kids at the office is a 20 minute experience - just enough time for your colleagues to "ooh" and "ahhh" before the kids become Gremlins that you have fed after midnight.

For bands, I am going with Vince Neil. The CRUE hit it HARD !!

[Angie in Texas]

i love how in the photo Peanut looks all innocent: "who me?"

[ChristieNY]

I'm a stay at home Mom, and truly respect your attempt to bring the Peanut to the office for more than a few minutes!

That's about how long our visits with Daddy at work last (with my 3 yr old and 10 month old), and we always pick up chicken nuggets & fries off the dollar menu on the way there! ;)

You are super courageous, MD! Next time sit her in front of the computer and set her up on www.starfall.com or www.kneebouncers.com - the computer is my 3 year old's weakness these days!

Hope you had a great time at the beach! :)

[R2Dad]

Ronnie VZ of Skynyrd. Unfortunately, being a rock star does not allow you to defy the laws of physics, though plane crash victim status puts you in pretty select company. Bonus score for having a brother who can stand in for you after you croak. Backing by Rossington-Collins puts you near the top,guitargod-wise.

[Willie]

Morrissey from the Smiths. Still cool after all these years.

[David B]

49 comments and nobody has mentioned Dylan? C'mon. They guys a legend...past, present and future!