DAYTIME NAP, ALMOST 3 YEARS OLD, DIES
After a successful 34-month reign, a young Manhattan girl's daily nap ritual officially passed away on August 22, 2007. Although the official medical report has yet to be released, it appears that there were no early indications of the passing of the nap. The young girl's parents believe the cause of death was premature maturation and advanced toddler masochism.
In lieu of flowers, the girl's parents request that donations be made to Starbucks and GlaxoSmithKline, the makers of Vivarin.
REGGAETON, 14, IS DEAD
Reggaeton, a form of gritty urban street music which became popular with Latin American (or Latino) youth during the early 1990s and spread rapidly around the country, officially died on August 17 in a 2004 Honda Odyssey minivan near Hoffman Estates, Illinois. The cause of death was Elizabeth "Muffy" Miller, a stay-at-home suburban soccer mom, who loudly rapped along with her Daddy Yankee CD all the way home from Bed, Bath & Beyond while her children were in the back seat. Reggaeton was fourteen years old.
Coincidentally, Ms. Miller is also responsible for the death of the phrase, "who let the dogs out?" This occurred in 2003, when Ms. Miller consumed two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc and sang the song publicly at the local elementary school's "karaoke night" fundraiser. The song has never been performed or heard since then.
MY DAUGHTER'S FAVORITE DOLL, 2, PASSES AWAY
My daughter's favorite doll, affectionately named "Baby," died August 15 on our couch. The cause of death was an epic struggle over "Baby" between my daughter and the dog. "Baby" was two years old.
Conceived in France but born in China, "Baby's" real name was Yang. Although her death was quick, Yang had been silently suffering for many months. The preliminary coroner's report revealed a lifetime of neglect and abuse. Her arm was dislocated in 2006 and never repaired properly. Her abdomen was known to leak on occasion. And finally, in early 2007, her vision began to suffer after the loss of her left eye. Close relatives admit that "Yang's time had come and she was now in a much better place."
Interestingly, during the course of her entire life, Yang never took a single shower or bath. Some view this as a form of political protest. Others believe it was due to the unyieldingly cruel regime and harsh conditions under which she lived.
MY DAILY BAGEL, 5, DIES
My daily bagel, aged 5, died yesterday due to dietary concerns and increased cholesterol levels.
Having served as my morning sustenance for many years, my daily bagel was executed due to his criminal relationships with cream cheese and smoked salmon. Under the watchful eye of physicians from Mt. Sinal hospital, my daily bagel made his last public appearance on August 22.
Despite being a little flaky at times, my daily bagel was considered a positive roll model for millions. My daily bagel is survived by his wife Bialy and two children, John Dough and Jane Dough.
FATHER'S PATIENCE, 3, DIES IN MANHATTAN
Having survived a torrent of toddler tantrums, a father's patience quietly passed away this week. The cause of death was last night's dinner.
Given the choice between mac-and-cheese or chicken tenders, the father's daughter communicated her preference for chicken tenders. Immediately upon seeing said chicken tenders, the father's daughter repeatedly screamed "No! I want mac-and-cheese!" The toddler's father, in a humiliating act of contrition due to a long day at the office, ignorantly decided that peace and quiet were of paramount importance that evening and duly cooked up a plate of macaroni-and-cheese. When proffered the mac-and-cheese,the toddler then proceeded to cry in the whiniest voice known to mankind, "I don't want mac-and-cheese. I want donuts!"
It was at that precise moment that Father's Patience suddenly died. There were no survivors.
WHITE APPROPRIATION OF BLACK CULTURE, 82, DIES
White People's Appropriation of Black Culture officially died August 22 on the set of America's Got Talent in Los Angeles. It was 82 years old. The cause of death was host Jerry Springer beatboxing before a national audience, calling UB40's "Red, Red Wine" the greatest reggae song of all-time, and then bumping fists with a contestant.
Although White Appropriation of Black Culture has a long and storied past, it had previously been able to survive repeated attacks by Vanilla Ice, Elvis Presley, Eminem, and my annoying 15-year-old white neighbor in Tribeca who has dreadlocks, wears his jeans below his ass and thinks he's from the 'hood. However, upon seeing Jerry Springer's performance on national television, white people from around the world unanimously made the decision to instantly execute the White Appropriation of Black Culture.
White Appropriation of Black Culture is survived by Chinese Tattoos on Sorority Chicks, Naming Sports Teams After Native American Stereotypes, and Corporate Mascots on TV Speaking with Funny Mexican Accents.
Brilliant, MD! Sorry about the loss of the daytime nap. Makes for a long day, doesn't it?
Posted by: J.P. | August 24, 2007 at 01:13 PM
amen.
Posted by: dysha | August 24, 2007 at 01:18 PM
May their souls rest in peace. i doubt you will get any peace with the passing of the nap though. *shudder*. scary thought, that.
Posted by: the mad momma | August 24, 2007 at 01:41 PM
i only wish that white appropriation of black (and other "ethnic") cultures really was dead.
sadly, i'm afraid it will live on.
nice post tho. really enjoyed it.
Posted by: grant | August 24, 2007 at 01:51 PM
We have the same Asian doll as you do. I had no idea that the doll was named Yang. I can't decide if I'm a little offended by that.
Posted by: A.Tsai | August 24, 2007 at 01:57 PM
Edan stoped napping about, too -- about a month ago. Now she's INSANE in the afternoons, which is fun for me. Then I drop her off at mom's for dinner and let her deal with any exhausted toddler meltdowns. SCORE!
Posted by: Jonathon Morgan | August 24, 2007 at 02:23 PM
Rest in peace, daytime nap. We hardly knew ye.
Posted by: hello insomnia | August 24, 2007 at 02:29 PM
You may want to have an autopsy ran on that doll, I have a hunch it may have been lead poisoning.
Posted by: whit | August 24, 2007 at 02:50 PM
The nap has been resuscitated plenty of times in our house. This is how you do it: "You don't have to sleep; you just have to rest. It's quiet time."
Lo and behold, Nap comes back from the dead. Try it. It might come back stilted and disjointed, like it was buried at Pet Sematary, but 'tis better than nothing.
Posted by: halfmama | August 24, 2007 at 03:01 PM
Sounds like it's time to institute "quiet time" - wherein you lock your child in a bedroom for 1 hour with a stack of books. The rules are you don't have to go to sleep but under no circumstances are you to make a peep. Sadly that rhymes.
Posted by: KT | August 24, 2007 at 03:02 PM
MetroDad, you are wicked funny. Sorry to hear about the nap and the bagel.
At least you have the Mets.
Posted by: merseydotes | August 24, 2007 at 03:04 PM
An addition:
Bladder Control, 34, Dies
After years of extreme abuse, bladder control final expired on August 24 after reading the last section of this blog post.
Bladder Control will be interred with Upholstered Office Chair, which expired moments after Bladder Control.
Posted by: Diane | August 24, 2007 at 03:08 PM
How do you come up with this stuff, MD? It's freaking hilarious!
Posted by: Missy | August 24, 2007 at 03:12 PM
My condolences on the loss of so much in so little time.
Orale, vato.
Posted by: Matthew | August 24, 2007 at 03:16 PM
We watched that episode of "America's Got Talent" too. My DH used to play in a reggae band and when he heard Jerry Springer call "Red, Red Wine" the greatest song in the history of reggae music, I think I saw steam come out his ears. He's now forbidden me from ever watching the show again!
Posted by: Janice | August 24, 2007 at 03:22 PM
my deepest condolences on the loss of your daily bagel- that is killer, man. and lox and CC is my spread of choice as well. c'mon, all those omega 3s in the salmon, that is SOOOO good for your heart! what do they know at Mt Sinai anyway.
and i am certain that the day my daughters nap dies is the day that i, too, shall take the dirt nap. what do people w/ 2 and 3 kids do? xanax?
Posted by: pnuts mama | August 24, 2007 at 03:31 PM
Grim post today.
Posted by: Norma | August 24, 2007 at 03:31 PM
Sad about the nap. And the other things, except the ones that aren't sad.
I'm still awaiting the death of all the unfortunate animations--viruses, toenail fungi, lumps of mucus--that were inspired by Finding Nemo (or the constantly plummeting cost of CGI).
Just because you can animate phlegm doesn't mean that you should.
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | August 24, 2007 at 03:39 PM
Dude! White Appropriation of Black Culture lives on in me, whether I mean to or not... I can't help it.
I'm an uber white bread chick (the only one in my office) working at an historically black college in NC.
Oh, and my married last name is...
Wiggers.
You just can't make up shit like this. I am "appropriating" whether I like it or not.
Posted by: Kate | August 24, 2007 at 03:41 PM
just another stalker who loooves all your posts. never quit, at least not until i find a new job!
Posted by: dianayang | August 24, 2007 at 03:43 PM
Holy shit, how'd you pick out Hoffman Estates, IL out of all the suburbs? I'm just curious, cuz I live just 2 towns over. You're totally spot on of course!
Hilarious post, as usual. I think White Appropriation of Black Culture is also survived by White Actresses Playing Expert Martial Artists (e.g. Jennifer Garner in Elektra)
Posted by: Baun | August 24, 2007 at 03:55 PM
Let's not leave out "Non-Asiam Women Wearing Cheongsams and Putting Chopsticks in Their Hair."
Posted by: Alice | August 24, 2007 at 04:00 PM
Is thar early or late for the afternoon nap to die? My son is the same age as the Peanut. If he ends his afternoon nap anytime soon, I'm TOAST!
Posted by: Helen B. | August 24, 2007 at 04:09 PM
My condolences upon your losses. Where do I send the flowers and bundt cake?
Posted by: 1969 | August 24, 2007 at 04:16 PM
White Appropriation of Black Culture is also survived by Computer Programmers Singing Ultra-violent Gangsta Rap While Sitting In Traffic In Their Hondas With All The Doors Locked.
This post was fucking hilarious.
Posted by: Holmes | August 24, 2007 at 04:16 PM
There are words that I never thought I would see in the same sentence; 'UB40' and 'greatest reggae song of all time'. Paging Dr. Marley, Dr. Bob Marley...
Condolences on the passings. FYI; the nap thing might come back. It did for mine for a while.
Posted by: Kemp | August 24, 2007 at 04:45 PM
And possibly my head on the chopping block after I just called a teen an ass in the library... oops.
But the nap? Might come back. We have periods of a few days that are rough, but they have always come back.
Posted by: kittenpie | August 24, 2007 at 05:09 PM
Ah, I did see the death of WAoBC... cringe, cringe - was far more creepy than any cracked open chests on CSI's autopsy tables.
RIP - afternoon nap. Ours is slowly dying also.
Death of father's patience - wow, that old geezer was still hanging on? Talk about tenacious... I think ours died at 20 months. Yep, leaves no survivors.
Posted by: Mama Nabi | August 24, 2007 at 05:12 PM
Father's Patience is only out for a bit. It'll resuscitate shortly. I'm 26 and my father's patience is still amazingly intact.
Posted by: enygma | August 24, 2007 at 06:23 PM
Fear not, Nap ressucitates quite often. Even at 4 1/5 going on 5, Fridays tend to be quite fertile for naps....
Posted by: mortimersmom | August 24, 2007 at 08:17 PM
This post rocks.
I'm mourning the loss of your bagel the most. That's just a damn shame.
Posted by: KC | August 24, 2007 at 08:48 PM
Oh, MD, I'm so sorry for your loss. That nap time really went young, didn't it?
Posted by: landismom | August 24, 2007 at 10:16 PM
There seems to be alot of condolences for the death of the 3 year old daytime nap, which I myself will mourn privately. You've negelected to mention passing of the pre-work nap, that most people experience in thier transition from college to the workforce. This nap, mid-afternoon sandwiched between watercanon and canon bongs....were some of the most satisfying. And for those reading this in the workforce now.....Who wants a nap?
Posted by: bangoo | August 24, 2007 at 11:25 PM
love this post!
Posted by: | August 25, 2007 at 02:20 AM
No naps. No bagels. Where do you want flowers sent? In whose name? Lord I feel for your. I do.
Posted by: cry it out! | August 25, 2007 at 02:30 AM
Try telling the kid I saw at the local fair with his "hood" clothes that White Appropriation of Black Culture is already dead and buried. I think he missed the funeral.
Posted by: alexthegirl | August 25, 2007 at 02:54 AM
Aww poor kid. I hope she recovers from her loss soon. :(
Posted by: Jenny | August 25, 2007 at 08:07 AM
Wow! Lots off things died this week! Hopefully you'll have a week of reincarnation next week.
Posted by: Julie | August 25, 2007 at 11:40 AM
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
Posted by: samantha jo campen | August 25, 2007 at 12:39 PM
Thanks for laughs and condolences on the loss of the nap. May I suggest that you adopt Quiet Time to fill the hole in your heart? In a darkened room, she can rest her body or play with quiet toys like books or a few dolls.
Posted by: Chief Family Officer | August 25, 2007 at 02:44 PM
sorry to hear about the nap. but on the upside: once peanut gets used to it, she'll start going to bed a little earlier . . . that means more adult night time (for laundry, blogging, reading, tv in peace, etc, etc)
i am sorry to hear about the bagel, too. i'd die if i couldn't have my breakfast taco in the mornings. (*i'll have a lox and CC just for ya at brunch tomorrow . . . )
in lieu of flowers, should we be making donations to the "fans of office space" or "friends of bob marley" foundations?
Posted by: Angie in Texas | August 25, 2007 at 06:35 PM
What a coincidence! Mother's Patience passed away earlier this week also. It happened when she came home to see that her two kids had finger painted the dining room wallpaper.
Posted by: Leora | August 25, 2007 at 07:13 PM
my husband is now obsessed with all things related to white appropriation of black culture.
amazingly funny post.
Posted by: momomax | August 25, 2007 at 09:04 PM
Summer Diet, dead at 43. Will be reincarnated as Fall Diet, thankfully, right after Labor Day.
:-)
Posted by: Kvetch | August 25, 2007 at 09:22 PM
Bialys have no sugar and about half the weight of a bagel. You can scoop them similarly to a bagel. I gave up my daily about a year ago with positive results.
Posted by: Mickysolo | August 25, 2007 at 09:44 PM
Wait, white appropriation of black culture was only 82? I swear I thought it was like 200 at least. Must have been all that hard living.
Posted by: Mom101 | August 25, 2007 at 10:38 PM
this was one of your best posts. ever. A lot of blogger clowns out there getting book deals...you deserve one more than any of them!
Posted by: zoe Haruyama | August 25, 2007 at 11:32 PM
Condolences to you and BossLady on the loss of the nap. That's a hard one. Ours went at 2 and I've never been the same since.
Posted by: Glennia | August 26, 2007 at 12:32 AM
Poor, poor daily bagel. That is so sad.
The nap too. Harsh, I know. The first few months are hard, but then she should get used to it and not be such a spastic crabby tantrum throwing fool. Or maybe that's just the way my niece has taken to non-napping. You'd think they'd go with it as long as they could. Silly pre-schoolers, they have no idea how good they have it.
Posted by: Phoenix | August 26, 2007 at 06:23 PM
glad to see you're back in the groove--thought you'd gone off the tracks with that Justin Timberlake post!
Posted by: R2Dad | August 26, 2007 at 10:40 PM