MetroDad on Sports

Sorry I've been missing in action, my friends. 

I've been too busy watching the entire sports world implode all around me.  It seems that every day brings a new smear on the world of professional sports.  Whenever I pick up the sports page these days, there's so much bad news that my head starts spinning like Linda Blair in the "The Exorcist."  Things are so bad that I almost want to turn to the front page of the paper. 

Now, I'm not one of those guys whose lives revolve around sports, watching sports, and talking about sports.  I realize that in the giant piñata of life on this planet, sports is like the stale Tootsie Roll that falls underneath the couch. It's mush. It's entertainment. Like watching Access Hollywood to see what crazy shit Britney has done lately.

But there's a big part of me that desperately wants to retain my childlike view of professional sports as being played by heroes on a field of dreams. As kids, we saw our favorite athletes as being the noblest of all warriors. They stayed with us through good and bad. They didn't hold out for more money and we didn't withhold our adulation. 

Maybe it was because I was looking at life through my Charlie Brown ViewMaster lenses but there seemed to be an innocent arc to the life of a professional athlete.  Young man works hard, plays fair, becomes hero, gives back to fans, marries hometown sweetheart, and rides off into the sunset. 

Nowadays, young man shoots steroids up his ass, dopes his blood, gives the finger to fans, sexually assaults women, becomes felon, and drives Porsche off to the Sunset Strip.

Of course, I'm probably being a little naive about the whole state of sports.  After all, at the end of the day, pro athletes are just young men with a bag of faults covering the whole spectrum of human frailty. You don't have to look far to see many of our other fellow citizens participating in equally abhorrent behavior.  Hell, a lot of them are in Congress. 

My point is that I think we've finally reached a breaking point where pro athletes simply have to be seen for what they really are---a bunch of rich assholes who play a game so they can get paid by even richer assholes while a bunch of even dumber assholes sit on our couches and watch them. 

As Hall of Fame basketball player Charles Barkley famously stated, "I am not a role model ...parents should be role models."

Amen, Sir Charles, amen!

Speaking of sports...

It's a given that I will do anything for the Peanut.  This little kid has me wrapped around her little finger like a freaking yo-yo.  These days, the Peanut is into three things: Cinderella, fire trucks, and horses. So whenever we have the opportunity to see any of those things, I'll do anything in my power to see her face light up like a Christmas tree.

This past weekend, I sucked up my bourgeois pride and took my daughter to the Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge at the Bridgehampton Polo Club.  Close friends know how much the Peanut loves horses so they invited us to their private tent replete with catering and a personal bartender.

Honestly, BossLady and I both felt like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman."  In fact, when nobody was looking, BossLady would turn to me, pump her fists in the air, and yell, "Woo, Woo, Woo!"  Then, I'd reply back in my Eddie Murphy voice, "Shit, man! Growing up, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub!"  (call the movie!)

But the Peanut had the time of her life.  She had a front-row seat of the field and she couldn't take her eyes off the beautiful horses.  Everytime one galloped by, she'd start clapping and yelling with glee.  At halftime, she even ran out onto the field to help stomp out the divots.

Four days later and she's still talking non-stop about the horsies.  And apparently she's showing an early predilection for polo. Why do I think this? 

Because when I came home the other day, she was riding the dog and trying to hit a golf ball with an inflatable pump.

Dude, if she asks me for a pony, I'm fucked!

Comments

[BossLady]

I'm first! Boo yah!

[MetroDad]

I got some boo yah for you right here, crazy lady.

[BossLady]

All talk. No follow through.

[J-Dog]

Couldn't agree with you more, MD. The behavior of professional athletes is turning me off of sports. The ones who aren't felons are cheaters. Sad state of affairs.

[Jonathon Morgan]

I feel the same way, 'cept I can't help indoctrinate Edan into baseball, basketball, football, erm...anything she'll watch, really. And I don't even care much about sports these days, it's like it's hardwired into my parenting style ARGH.

PS: the movie is totally Trading Places. And that movie kicks ass

[halfmama]

Oh Lord, is she cute.

And so resourceful! Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get what she wants. And if she has to improvise, so be it.

[Amy]

I just got home from Cooperstown, NY - home of the Baseball Hall of Fame - where my family saw two really nice and great baseball players inducted into the Hall: Cal Ripken, Jr. (YES!) and Tony Gwynn. These are two of the good guys, but I agree that they are in the minority. Cal is great!

[mr. big dubya]

I'll bet you a dollar I can name the movie.

[Katrina]

The sports world of today makes me really sad, actually. My Dad always talked about his baseball heroes when we were growing up, and they grew to be heroes in our minds as well. I wonder if parents can do that these days, with some variety of athlete scandal lurking around every corner.

Miss Peanut is cute as ever - and huzzah for the dog willing to play along as horsey for her.

[Rachel E.]

Damn she cute!

Glad to have you back - missed laughing with (at) you.

Couldn't agree more about the athletes. So much of their behavior seems so wasteful to me.

[Rachel E.]

I meant "she'S" cute. I hate when I do stuff like that.

[JamesMommy]

Get her a hobby horse (stuffed horse head on a stick). Our 2 year old has two (Coco and Caramel are their names). It's much cheaper than a pony. James gallops around singing "I'm a cowboy, baby!" (yes, I'm a terrible parent who has taught him the words to a stripper song by Kid Rock). Peanut can play polo just dandy on one of those things. Holler if you need help locating one.

[JamesMommy]

Oops! Blind-sided by the cutie on the horsey. Sports...it all went to hell when things like Tiger Stadium turned into Comerica Park, IMHO. And it's happening in college sports, too. F'ing corporate America. Gotta go cash my paycheck :o)

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

My husband promised Claudia a pony in utero the first time he felt her kick.

I seriously hope she doesn't remember this. We really don't have room for a barn.

[Tommy]

"Tradin' Places," absolutely. A topless Jamie Lee Curtis closing the door on Dan Ackroyd saying ... aw who am I kidding ... once I saw her in her glory, I couldn't hear a word she said. Maybe that's why I had to watch the movie about 12 times before I got it. Hmmmm.
And for the record? There is no circle of hell deep enough or hot enough for Michael Vick. Just sayin'. Don't be such a stranger!
TG

[L.A. Daddy]

Of course, it could be worse than wanting a pony...

What if she wants to PLAY polo? For real? I can't imagine that polo learnin' lessons are cheap. And driving her to polo practice? You realize that you always have to drive your daughter to polo practice in a LIMO!

Otherwise, she'll have to make you park a few blocks away so she won't be seen with you...

[mamazilla]

a pony? THAT'S what you're worried about?

my kids would've found something way more sinister to do with an inflating pump, a dog and a golf ball... ;)

[Shawn]

Your bourgeois bona fides might be questionable if you have "close friends" with a luxury tent at a polo match. Just sayin.

[honglien123]

You know? I really don't give a shit about any of those other guys. Jose Conseco, Mark Maguire, I don't really care about whatever they did or didn't do. I will still watch baseball, attend games, and be entertained by the beauty of a bunch of men in tight pants...er...I mean the gorgeousness of line drive...er...as long as it doesn't kill anyone. ANYHOO...you know what I mean. It's not about the players, it's about the GAME! (That is, unless something comes out about my childhood hero, Walt Weiss, then I'll probably have to look towards curling or something...)

BTW, that picture? That's EXACTLY why we will not own a dog until the kids are out of the house. They'd hurt the poor thing trying to sit on it. Poor metrodog!

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

She's a cutie!

[Phoenix]

Polo? People still play Polo? Where have I been?

She's resourseful, I'm sure if she wants a horsie, she'll find a way to convince you. You're getting off lucky. When I was a kid, I wanted an Orca. All I ever asked for was that dam whale. A horse is at least possible. ;)

[Lira]

I love the wood floors and the brick wall. So New York! (Sorry, I'm a decorator. I can't help noticing these things.)

[Mitch McDad]

MD-haven't you figured out that having a daughter automticaly means you're financially fucked. They are predisposed to make the most expensive choice posible.
Thusly, my girls want to go to the sushi store every night. What the hell happened to hit dogs?
As for the sports, I'm with you. It's a cornacopia of assholes.

[Maternal Mirth]

Can I just say I completely agree with you on the whole pro-sports thing??? Amen and amen again! After the whole Vick the Dick fiasco that continues, I tried to get my Dummy to cancel our NFL ticket subscription in protest ... he looked at me like I had grown a second head. Wishful thinking on a football widow's part...

[stebujiji]

Yeah, you're right about sports these days. I'm intent on bringing my kids up with baseball just like my dad did with me, but how can I point to a prick like Bonds and say to my kid..."He's the man." I'm more than happy to tell the kids that Hank Aaron swung the bat with grace and power and played the game with dignity that isn't there today.

As far as Vick goes...He's done. He'll be playin' football on the yard. Who needs Burt Reynolds or Adam Sandler when ya got Mike Vick startin' for the Mean Machine. He'll be the first player taken in next year's cellblock draft.

[talda]

i love sports but after majoring in it in college [sport management] and working in it now, the luster is definitely gone. i'm not as big of a fan i used to be just 8 years ago before starting college but i still watch. though it was hard to see my childhood idol mark mcgwire's fall from grace.

sports has always been seedy but now that we're in our information first and always environment, there are a lot more angles to see it from. look at how athletes used to carry themselves...when they still had to get a "summer job" to pay the bills after the season was over to now when they're set with just a signing bonus. before playing a single second.

maybe it's just a reflection of society. in which case we're screwed.

[momomax]

*gasp*

what a cutie! Is that picture for real? It's almost too good to be true.

I was cracking up about 'Pretty Woman' and jacuzzi farting. That sums up how we operate in the land of the richass too.

The only sports related thing I could possibly comment on is that my cousin used to play pro hockey and might have been one of the few truly nice guys in professional sports. The rest? I have no idea. My brain starts to seize up at the mention of sports...and here it goes again.

[twizzle]

Dang, both the kid AND dog are cute!

[KG]

Love the photo! You can totally see how the Peanut is picturing the wind in her hair as she rides across the moors on her stallion...MetroDog! ;)

So over sports. It's so sad. I still look forward to the Olympics, because those amateur athletes have heart! They sacrifice! They are in it for the love of it -- inspiring.

I have an idea: Pay the criminal sports players LESS. This should be in the contracts. If they mess it up legally, ethically, morally, just dock their pay. Because they make it bad for the rest of the good pro athletes (there probably are some still, right?), and they sully their sports. No respect for their fans, teammates, the game or society? Then NO MONEY!

Either this, or pay EVERYONE on the team the EXACT same amount. Because there's no "I" in "TEAM" (please excuse the cliche, MD), and the Superstars who get bazillions a year seem to be the ones who are flaunting laws, etc., the most.

Wow, that felt GOOD! And I had no idea that this was really bugging me. Thanks for the sports-rant catalyst, MD. :)

[shana]

She is so cute!! And yeah dude......you are so totally fucked! Start stockpiling those apples ;)

[shana]

She is so cute!! And yeah dude......you are so totally fucked! Start stockpiling those apples ;)

[Jamie]

Possibly the best analysis of the current sports scandals that I've read. Love sports. Hate the athletes.

BTW...Peanut is ADORABLE!

[samantha jo campen]

I'm selling my horse if you want him. Seriously.

(God I sound like a brat.)

[BOSSY]

'Sports'? Must consult dictionary...

[Matthew]

Love the look on the face of the dog.

It says, "Kill me. Kill me now."

[OSCDSF]

Hey, you were a little harsh on the Bengals weren't you? They'll be on probation by the start of the season.

Try water-polo, that's got to be cheaper, plus it's easier on the horses.

[whit]

oh, never mind that name, that was still in the box from me messing with Croutonboy earlier

[Rose]

We found a horse on a stick for Olivia. She rides that thing all through the house. Loves it. Also makes horse sounds when you squeeze its ear. $12.99 at BIG TOY STORE CHAIN.
Your kid is too stinkin' cute.

[Irene]

Your room reminds me alot of mine..
empty floors with nothing breakable within reach so that the little rascals can zoom through with their toy cars.
I can only drool on those pages on the home decorating magazines.

[Sassy]

The estate we live in has a pony club and all the damn kids have ponies. So we're also fucked.

My husband asked the other day if we need to buy a pony so any foster kids in our care will fit in around here. It's scary when you need to think about something like that.

I also need to add the Peanut is looking like a real little person now. Where did that little girl go? Are you terrified yet?

[Papa Bradstein]

Just don't do what Mama's dad did--promise a horse and deliver two cats and a rabbit instead. If you think a kid would ever forget about something like that, let me tell you that I've heard the story so many times now, I can tell it as if it happened to me.

[William]

I liked this post and then I read the first three comments and cracked up.

[NG]

Cinderella, fire trucks, and horses... I love the range! Here's a tip for a short vacation: take her down to Chincoteague, VA. Ponies, ponies everywhere!

[J.B.]

The only sport I even bother to watch these days is baseball. I feel like it's the least tarnished of all sports and the sport still has some true gentlemen playing the game (Barry Bonds not withstanding.)

[Jeff Mirisola]

First, I agree with everyone...Peanut is absolutely adorable. Second, you think your fucked? I have three sons who want every new game console as soon as it comes out. One is into skateboarding, and is constantly asking for a new 'deck' or trucks or wheels. Then there's my jock...football, baseball, rock climbing. One in braces now, another one next year and the third in about 3.
I'm so not looking forward to insuring them when they start to drive. If they're anything like I was...nevermind, I don't want to think about it.
As for sports, I love football (GO PATS!) and baseball (GO SOX!), but the actions of the few do cause a sour taste. Hopefully, the 'up and coming' learn from the mistakes of Vick, et al.

[Steven J.]

At the start of the summer, we took the kids to visit a dude ranch in Wyoming. Since then, not a single day has gone by where my 5-year-old daughter hasn't asked us for a pony. Last I checked, there weren't many places in Brooklyn to keep a horse. Good luck with that, MD.

[Mama Nabi]

... well, for the Metrodog's sake, buy her a damn pony already. My goodness, look how much Peanut's grown since the last picture! Playing polo no less. She is truly gorgeous. I must say, she seems to have the right riding form already - I can totally see her in her riding outfit.
Giddyup!

[Shannon]

Wow! Peanut is so cute!

If you are looking for ways to indulge her love of horses, but not have to rub elbows at the polo club too often, you could look for horse shows in your area. I don't know about NY, but many of the shows around where I grew up were free to viewers, and no fancy dress required. Or if you really want to corrupt her, you could take her to the races.

[Brave Astronaut]

Now that I'm here, I may never leave. Having wandered over from the 6th floor, it seems as if we might have been separated at birth.

At the very least, we should get your daugther together with my son, we could rule the world, quoting from really bad 80's movies.

Ain't fatherhood great? I seem to like it so much I am doubling my fun (urp!) - we are expecting our second at year's end.

My brother-in-law has a daughter, who was told shortly after her birth - "You have one job, and one job, only. Keep her off the pole."

When my son was born, a friend told me, "be thankful, now you have only one penis to worry about, instead of all of them with a daughter."

[Janice]

I love the look on MetroDog's face! He's got that "dude, I can't wait until she turns 18" look.