Once you have a child, it's inevitable that you will be drawn into many long and boring parenting conversations with both friends and complete strangers.
However, after awhile, you'll begin to realize that parents rarely ever say what they actually mean. Many of them use these weird passive-aggressive phrases to obscure their true thoughts.
In the interest of science and my ongoing anthropological study of parenting, I've compiled some common parenting phrases and their hidden subtext. I hope this proves to be especially useful for any of you newbies out there who haven't spent much time around other parents!
Parenting Phrase = True Meaning
What an adorable little newborn baby! = Holy shit, your kid is ugly!
I don't remember what life was like before the baby. = I used to have no life.
That's so great your child loves Chicken McNuggets. = Why don't you just feed your kid out of the dumpster?
Maybe we'll do a playdate next weekend? = Dude, can you please watch my kid next Saturday so I can get some free time to myself? I'm begging you!
We're so tired by the end of the day. = We haven't had sex in ages!
She has your ears. = Man, that kid looks NOTHING like you. Are you sure you're really the father? I think you seriously need to consider taking a paternity test.
We're not sure when we're having another one. = We're not sure we even WANT another kid. The one we have right now is totally kicking our asses! How the hell do people have more than one kid?
Wow, it looks like they're really hitting it off. = Crap, our kids seem to really like each other. Does this mean that you and I will have to spend time together? I sure hope not.
He sure does have a lot of energy! = Your kid is a hyperactive monster! He must drive you completely insane. I pity you.
Your outfit looks so comfortable. = Grungy sweatpants, a food-stained t-shirt, ponytail in a baseball cap? You look like shit, woman! Have you completely given up on personal hygiene already?
It must be so great having a nanny to help out. = How come you have a nanny when you don't even work?
It's nice that he has such a good appetite. = Your kid is a gluttonous slob who eats like a trucker. Never in my entire life have I ever seen anyone inhale a pizza so quickly. No wonder he looks like a sumo wrestler!
We missed the pitter patter of little feet. = The damn vasectomy didn't work!
Parenting was so much different when I was your age. = We didn't complain like you do. Stop whining. I worked 2 jobs, had 4 kids, and never had anyone to help me out. EVER!
That's such a cute age. = I remember when my kids used to like me. Wait until they get older and hate your guts.
Looks like you could fit a whole soccer team in that car! = Since you have a minivan, can you drive my kids to the soccer game next week?
The school wasn't really a good fit for her. = She got kicked out.
Your daughter looks like a little China doll. = Your daughter is Asian.
I love your daughter's curly locks. = Your daughter is Black.
Your daughter has such a beautiful skintone. = Your daughter is Latino.
She's so exotic looking. = Your daughter is mixed-race.
Did I miss anything or leave any out? Feel free to add your own.
"She's so exotic looking" - I wish people were that tactful! As a caucasian Mommy with a chinese Daddy I usually hear "What are your kids?"
Posted by: Sara in San Diego | May 29, 2007 at 01:54 PM
Wow, she's really beautiful = Is she adopted? How did two ugly people like you have such a gorgeous kid?
Posted by: Stacy | May 29, 2007 at 02:01 PM
I've gotten four out of the last five - no one can tell what she is :)
Posted by: Andy | May 29, 2007 at 02:22 PM
Sort of related. Actual post-birth hospital nurse conversation:
Nurse: You have a beautiful baby!
Me: Now, I KNOW you say that to everyone.
Nurse: Mmm! mmm! I do NOT!
Me: Then what do you say?
Nurse: Oh now, I say, "You have a healthy baby!" or, "You have a happy baby!" But girl, there are some ugly babies.
Posted by: Xdm | May 29, 2007 at 02:23 PM
My dog is sometimes not friendly = Keep your mini Jeffrey Dahmer away from my living pet.
All children get runny noses = Keep your little typhoid Mary away
How was your day at school=I hope your parents leave me some money in their will obviously they are RICH
He is so bright=I have a hammer with a higer IQ
What a great smile= With an overbite like that she can eat corn through a picket fence
Look how big he's gotten = Obesity is an American epidemic and your urchin is leading the charge
Posted by: Mark | May 29, 2007 at 02:24 PM
I love those. I've used one or two of them myself and I don't even have kids.
How about: Yes, he seems really smart. He must get it from you. Translation: Did you sleep with your cousin or something? I've never met a more idiotic family. Please make him stop licking my floor.
Posted by: Phoenix | May 29, 2007 at 02:24 PM
I've gotten three out of the last four- no one can tell what she is :)
Posted by: Andy | May 29, 2007 at 02:26 PM
Breastfeeding isn't for everyone = Clearly you don't love your child!
Posted by: Joanna | May 29, 2007 at 02:32 PM
From my mother-in-law
"What an interesting name, how did you come up with it?"
Translation: I hate the kid's name. Were you drunk when you filled out the birth certificate?
Posted by: Jess | May 29, 2007 at 02:33 PM
Hello, what's your name cutie?
*to baby* = they can't tell if it's a boy or girl
Posted by: ank | May 29, 2007 at 02:34 PM
Dude, you need to be cross-posting some of this stuff on RD! :)
China doll. Heh.
Exotic. Heh.
It's funny--and painful--cuz it's true. ;)
Posted by: daddy in a strange land | May 29, 2007 at 02:38 PM
Her skin is so fair! = My, but you've got a wasp-y white kid there... I'll bet when you go out in the sun, she bursts into flames.
Posted by: NG | May 29, 2007 at 02:40 PM
This is some funny shit and right on the money, MD. I'm black and I can't tell you how many times strangers have mentioned my daughter's lovely curls.
Posted by: Jackson | May 29, 2007 at 02:46 PM
I spent both my pregnancies hearing, "If they look like their dad, they'll be really pretty."
Another favorite is, "They're SO cute, they must look like their dad."
Do I need to translate?
Posted by: honglien123 | May 29, 2007 at 02:56 PM
We hope to have another one someday. = We're having fertility problems and/or just had a miscarriage, you nosy insensitive a-hole.
Posted by: merseydotes | May 29, 2007 at 02:56 PM
I agree with you Sara - people should learn to be more tactful. I've heard: "Are they yours?" more times than I'd like to remember.
Posted by: Lawschoolmom | May 29, 2007 at 03:09 PM
This is awesome! We're expecting our first child next month. Thanks for deciphering the lingo for us.
Posted by: Leslie | May 29, 2007 at 03:17 PM
I got a lot of "Where did she get those blond curls?" when people meant "Are you sure she's yours?"
I just smile and laugh. It's easier than admitting that I had blond curls too.
Posted by: Darren | May 29, 2007 at 03:53 PM
I'm sure she'll learn to use the potty soon = I can't believe your kid isn't toilet trained yet.
Posted by: Jenny | May 29, 2007 at 03:58 PM
"He sure does have a lot of energy!"
"It's nice that he has such a good appetite."
The first one is said about my son, all the time!!
And the second one is said about my daughter, constantly! :-) Oh Metro Dad, you are so right on!
Posted by: Smiling Mom | May 29, 2007 at 04:03 PM
mostly from the dad side...
We love our nanny = Our nanny is really hot
I've got a late business meeting tonight = steak and strippers
I have to be in Chicago for a 2-day conference = good luck with the kids
Can you tell how I feel about my husband?
Posted by: Lena | May 29, 2007 at 04:18 PM
Right on, MD! I think at one point or another, I've heard every single one of these comments said to me. Why is it that parents talk in this weird double speak?
Posted by: susan b. | May 29, 2007 at 04:21 PM
"Are you sure you don't want another child?" = "Only children grow up to be self-centered social retards" or "Want to take one of mine?"
Posted by: Glennia | May 29, 2007 at 04:38 PM
Are you sending her to preschool next year? = You don't care about your child's education?
She has such pretty eyes = Dude, your kid has a huge birthmark on her eye (I mean that's just for our special case)
Is she tired? = Why is your child clinging to you like that? Does she always do that when people say hello?
Posted by: Sisco | May 29, 2007 at 05:06 PM
Not a "common phrase" but...
My wife "looks white" and I am korean, and so one time when she was out with our daughter, she got a "It's so wonderful that you adopted" comment. I don't even want to know what that translates to.
Posted by: jimmy | May 29, 2007 at 05:48 PM
"She looks exactly like you" (knowing that she's adopted)= How can I explain to my own kids what adoption means? or I can't deal with my own flesh and blood, how can you possibly deal with a kid that "is not yours"?
Posted by: Sal | May 29, 2007 at 06:17 PM
HAAA
You need to write a book. I promise I will buy many copies.
Posted by: Linda | May 29, 2007 at 06:28 PM
And sometimes, people just say what they mean. But if you admitted that, you'd have no comedy material, would you? It's a lot more cool if you just pretend that you're the only one who sees the truth behind the lies. Oh, the irony.
Posted by: Kathy | May 29, 2007 at 08:32 PM
Your kid smells like a Tom Petty concert = Do you have any more weed?
Posted by: whit | May 29, 2007 at 08:40 PM
There are those, and then there are the plain stupid comments. The one we always get is, "He just keeps growing, doesn't he?"
What is the proper response to that? "Well, yes, that's generally how it works. Until he gets to be as big and stupid as you are."
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | May 29, 2007 at 08:45 PM
I get "So, is she home with you?"
Translation=poor baby who goes to daycare. For the record, we prefer "baby school". And she LOVES it!
Posted by: Sarah | May 29, 2007 at 09:01 PM
I get "So, is she home with you?"
Translation=poor baby who goes to daycare. For the record, we prefer "baby school". And she LOVES it!
Posted by: Sarah | May 29, 2007 at 09:11 PM
Here's my favorite:
she looks just like your husband! = the poor girl got his nose
Posted by: landismom | May 29, 2007 at 10:03 PM
I'm not sure what is better, your posts or Kathy's comments!
Posted by: a.bo | May 29, 2007 at 10:09 PM
The ethnic ones kill me. I know sometimes when I tell someone how energetic their child is, really I'm saying "Tranquilize it! Stat!"
Posted by: Pattie | May 29, 2007 at 10:24 PM
As a parent of twins I get...
Do twins run in your family = Did you use fertility treatments?
Posted by: Matthew | May 29, 2007 at 11:10 PM
I used to babysit a girl whose mom loved the colors yellow and green. This meant that she was always dressed in some combination of yellow and green jumpers. She also had little to no hair because it just hadn't grown in yet. Whenever I would take her out, people would always say:
"Oh, what a cute little baby! (While making little faces and grabbing her hands) Hello, sweetie, what's your name?" which means "I really just want to know if your baby is a boy or girl since you insist on dressing them in gender neutral clothing."
Posted by: Laura | May 29, 2007 at 11:28 PM
Wow, you've got your hands full!!!
Translation = what kind of crazy fool would have a set of triplets and 2.5 years later, a FOURTH baby?
Posted by: Jen3 @ amazing trips | May 29, 2007 at 11:43 PM
I hear "he's so handsome" all the time AND "he looks like his father". Actually he doesn't look like his father, it's just painfully clear that I've AGED.
Posted by: HCG | May 29, 2007 at 11:56 PM
from someone else: "oh, she must need her bottle" = "wow, your kid is a handful, eh?" (btw, my kid is nearly two, has never had a bottle, and IS a handful. thanks.)
or- from me: "oh, sorry, it takes her awhile to warm up to people" = "you are scaring the shit out of my kid, please stop it and get away from us"
or- me to another parent: "well, we all raise our kids our own way, right?" = "wow, i'm debating whether or not to call child protective services on you right now"
Posted by: pnuts mama | May 30, 2007 at 12:21 AM
I think that other than the racial ones, the worst one I ever got was from a woman at a party who said to me, "MY kids DESERVE a stay-at-home mother."
No translation needed!
Posted by: L. | May 30, 2007 at 02:36 AM
so spot on, MD! lol..as someone who has her hands full with 1 kid, i always say the one up there: "We're not sure when we're having another one." and we mean EXACTLY what you typed...lol
Posted by: | May 30, 2007 at 03:26 AM
Haha that was funny. My youngest had a rash all over her face after she was born and a woman once walked up to the buggy and looked in and said. "Oh what a lovely buggy" Ya gotta laugh. Nothing stranger than folk
Posted by: ellen | May 30, 2007 at 05:40 AM
We believe in reasoning with him rather than punishment = he is completely out of control and we have no idea what to do about it.
Great list.
Posted by: coach | May 30, 2007 at 06:29 AM
As the frazzled veteran of 4 kids, I've certainly had my fair share of dealing with many parents over the years. This list is hilariously on point. I've heard ALL these comments over the years and I only WISH that the hidden subtexts were as subtle as these. Most of the time, people seem to be downright idiots.
Posted by: Jaeffrey | May 30, 2007 at 09:18 AM
Does Kathy need a nap?
Posted by: Joesmomma | May 30, 2007 at 11:24 AM
Kathy needs an enema. Lighten up, girlfriend. Life's too short to be taking stuff so seriously!
Posted by: Aaron | May 30, 2007 at 11:32 AM
Your daughter has such a powerful voice! = Can you please tell your little rugrat to stop screaming?
Your son is so healthy. What are you feeding him? = Does your child live off anything except fast food?
Posted by: Meghan | May 30, 2007 at 11:48 AM
Hahaha...I've actually had that "She has your ears" comment said to me before. The funny thing is that my daughter is adopted!
This is hilarious, MD. Someone needs to give you a book deal.
Posted by: Brent | May 30, 2007 at 12:39 PM
We get the last two a lot. Although I was pretty impressed yesterday when a young woman told me, "Your daughter looks Mexican." She didn't find some fake way to say it. I thought it was awesome.
Posted by: Bethiclaus | May 30, 2007 at 12:45 PM