Your Man in Asia

Thanks for all your e-mails.  Not only the ones regarding the Virginia Tech incident but also the ones checking to see whether I'm still alive.  You guys rock!  I should have told you that I was headed out to Asia for a business trip.  I just spent a week in Vietnam and am now spending this week in Hong Kong, one of my all-time favorite cities in the world. 

Needless to say, I miss BossLady and the Peanut terribly.   Anyway, I've got to run off to work but, before I go, here are a few quick thoughts...

NOTHING SAYS CLASS LIKE CHARMIN PLUS!

My mother is a varsity traveler.  For over 20 years, she was a schoolteacher and used to spend her summers going on these amazing journeys.  Usually solo. She's trekked across Mozambique, sailed the Crimea, and backpacked her way to the top of Mt. Fuji.  I've been to about 40 countries during the course of my lifetime and she's the only one I know who's been to even more. 

The reason my mother took all those trips solo is because my dad HATES to travel.  He literally judges each country based on the quality of their toilet paper.  One year, my mom took my dad for a return visit to Russia. They visited the Red Square, went to the ballet at the Bolshoi, toured the Hermitage, and did a million other cool things. 

When he returned to NYC, I asked him how the trip was.  His reply?  "Remember I told you how bad the toilet paper was in China?  It was even WORSE in Russia. Man, that country is never going to make it."

Spasiba, pops. Spasiba!

YES, BUT HE'S LEFT ME A LEGACY IN SO MANY OTHER WAYS

My father is a good guy.  He's always been an excellent provider and he instilled in me a love of reading and world history.  However, if I had to pick the top 5 things I've inherited from him, I'd have to go with these...

(1) The ability to eat food so quickly, it's like I was raised in prison.
(2) The tendency to tell the same 5 stories at every dinner party...loudly!
(3) The ugliest and smelliest feet this side of North Korea.
(4) A dangerous addiction to Q-tips.
(5) The inability to fix something requiring anything more complex than a screwdriver.

Pretty classy, eh? 

HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND HOS.  KNEES AND HOS!

As most of you know from his mentions here, the Doctor is one of my oldest friends.  If there's any doubt about why I love this guy, I leave you with the following Blackberry exchange:

MD:  "Doc, I'm currently in Vietnam. Had a long day so I came down to the hotel bar for a nightcap.  Turns out that the bar is having hip-hop night.  Very possibly the greatest rap DJ I've heard in years!  I just spent the last hour rocking out to old-school Biggie, Tupac, Biz Markie, and Digital Underground. 

Oh shit, don't look now but the DJ just started spinning some classic Rakim.  If he starts playing some KRS-One, I might just lose my mind!  Hip-hop is alive in the kingdom, yo!"

Much love, brother.

The Doctor: "Hey "homeboy!"  I don't really know what kinda clout that holds, considering the only rap DJ you've heard in years is when the Wiggles did their hip-hop Christmas special!

Boo yah!

Love,
Diggity

Proving once again, that it doesn't matter how far away you go, modern technology still allows for some good old-fashioned shit talking!  If any of you come to Manhattan and visit the Doctor's office, just tell him that you want the MetroDad discount.  The coupon code is ASSFACE!

By the way, I've seen a lot of scary things in my life but nothing compares to watching a bunch of fat 50-year-old German tourists shaking their moneymakers on the dance floor to Run-DMC.  It almost makes you want to give up dancing for good.

AMERICA: LOVE IT AND LIVE IT (A METRODAD RANT)

America sure has been taking a beating lately.  Pick up any newspaper and you'll see poll after poll demonstrating that citizens of foreign nations have an increasingly unfavorable opinion about our beloved country.

Look, I get it.  No matter what you think of him, George Bush is probably not the greatest representation of our country's people.  And it's clear that America's increased intervention (and surprisingly consistent bungling) in foreign affairs is the cause of this general discontent with America.

But make no mistake, my foreign friends.  America is still the greatest country in the world.  Nowhere else in the world can individuals rise out of nothing and achieve their dreams.  Shit, after serving in the U.S. army during the Korean War, my dad came to this country so broke he was 30 cents away from a quarter and couldn't afford the hole out of a donut.  Now, he rolls like P.Diddy! (ok, not really but if P.Diddy was a 73-year-old Korean man with an addiction to golf and his granddaughter, there might be a faint resemblance.)

Anyway, it's nice to be reminded how much other people abroad actually love everything about America. 

Last week in Vietnam, I met a guy who spoke flawless English.  When I asked him how he learned it, he told me he used to stay up late at night in bed listening to the Voice of America radio broadcasts.  I thought this was one of the coolest things I'd ever heard in my life!

When he found out I was from NYC, he freaked out and enthusiastically yelled, "New York!  I LOVE the Yankees! My dream is to have a big car that I can drive to Yankee Stadium one day and eat American hot dogs!"

10,000 miles away from home and I still can't avoid the damn Yankee fans!

So sure, we take a lot of shit from a lot of people and you know what?  A lot of it is probably well-deserved.  We're the biggest kids on the block and sometimes we're not very modest about it.  But heck, it's not really our fault.  We're a nation built on bravado and arrogance (What's that?  You want to tax our colonial asses and subjugate us to the Queen?  Up yours, man!  We're starting our own damn country!)

Anyway...I like to think that, at the end of the day, our country really does symbolize the hopes and dreams of millions of people from nations around the world. 

Except for maybe France.  Now, I've spent a lot of time in France during the course of my life.  In fact, I've probably been there about 15 times.  But you want to know what?  The French hate our fucking guts.  It's hard to believe they actually gave us the Statue of Liberty.  They must have been throwing it out anyway.  Because these people detest us.

As Dennis Miller once said, the French look at us and think we are one, big, collective Jethro bearing down on them, rope belt and all.

And you know something?  In all fairness, we might be hicks, but at least we're hicks who tend to our armpits more frequently than once every time Halley's comet is in the solar system. These people avoid showers like a blonde at the Bates Motel. They had to invent perfume. It wasn't an augmentation, it was a defense mechanism!

I once went there and met a beautiful young Parisian girl.  The only problem was that she smelled like a a garbageman eating Gorganzola cheese while getting a perm inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

And although we, as a nation, take a beating in the press, we're still a great country.  Not only do we create opportunity but we also create things of great beauty, things that unconsciously interweave the American attributes of ingenuity, optimism, and some good old-fashioned living.

Things like: "All You Can Eat" Restaurants, the Clapper, the Temporary Insanity Plea, cutting-edge CD-ROM technology used for porn, deep-fried cheese, rain ponchos for dogs, and beer can hats!

The list goes on and on!

As a matter of fact, you want to know what's right with America more than anything?  Our right to speak out about everything that's wrong with it.  Sure, our politicians seem crooked and ethically challenged.  But you ever try to do business with a Chinese bureaucrat?  Bargain with a Mexican federale?  Or fight through red tape with the Pakistan Customs department?  Hell, I have.  And let me tell you something, there's some days that I think we're lucky to have the politicians we do have.  At least, we get the opportunity to dump their asses when we want to!

There's so much that IS right with America that it practically brings tears to my eyes.  Traveling abroad brings that into clearer focus more than you could ever imagine.  Sometimes, in order to best appreciate your one true love, you have to leave it for awhile. 

So remind yourself of that every now and again, my friends.

Take the family on Route 66, shop at the Galleria, fire up that massive barbecue, have your breasts enlarged, have your penis lengthened, sue your fucking neighbor, eat three Big Macs, drive 120 mph, pay the ticket, and thank the heavens and the stars that you live in the greatest country in the history of civilization!

IF MY LOVE OF AMERICA DOESN'T BRING A TEAR TO YOUR EYE, MAYBE THIS WILL

I've been speaking to BossLady and the Peanut at least once a day while I've been gone.  The Peanut, being only 2 1/2 years old, doesn't really comprehend the fact that I'm away or understand why I'm gone.  It's been more than a little traumatic for her.  When I spoke to her today, she cried into the phone, "I want to hug and kiss daddy. Where are you, daddy?"

Man, if that doesn't just break your heart, I don't know what will.

.
Lastly, I've got about 20 hours of flying to do this week.  Perfect opportunity for another mailbag.  Leave your questions in the comments or send them to me via e-mail.  Anything goes, my friends.  Ask away!

Comments

[leora]

I couldn't agree with you more, MD! America has taken too much of a bashing lately. Nice to remember all the great things about this country!

[Jeanie]

"I once went there and met a beautiful young Parisian girl. The only problem was that she smelled like a a garbageman eating Gorganzola cheese while getting a perm inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse."

HA! I'm still chuckling. This is the MD we know and love.

[kmkat]

Aw, that is a great post. When I read the same sentiments in an e-mail from my right-wing relatives I harumph and grump and delete the sucker with much muttering. It has the same effect on me as "America: Love It or Leave It" bumper stickers used to in the 70s. (Those are NOT the only choices, and they are not mutually exclusive. Or something.) But when a world-traveling Korean-American says it -- and offers personal anecdotal evidence -- I can believe it and support it.

This is exactly the same thing as the fact that I started wearing an American flag pin on my jean jacket. Right next to my Green Party button. It pisses me off that the right wing seems to have claimed total and exclusive right to patriotism, and that anyone who disagrees with any of their views is clearly Not A True American. We all love our country; it's just that some of us are able to do that with our eyes open, instead of being blinded by red, white, and blue glasses.

[Izzy]

Wow! What a fab tribute. And it's not even July!

Seriously, I feel like standing up and saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

Oh, and that Q-tip thing? I'm pretty sure all men do that!

Happy (and safe) trails :)

[dutch from sweet juniper]

I once read that before returning to Paris from one of his campaigns, Napoleon sent a messenger swiftly to Josephine to let her know he was coming home. It read: "Dear Josephine: I will be arriving home in three days. Don't bathe."

[Carol]

So... we know about your worst experience in Berkeley. :-( Can you tell us about your BEST experience in Berkeley?

Oh, and -- have you been to Seattle? What do you think of our fair city?

Carol (Stanford alum... BUT my mom, brother, cousin and daughter graduated from Cal, so I'm OK... yes???)

[the new girl]

Oh, man. You're INSPIRED when you travel.

I am still absolutely cracking up about the French beauty and the great inventions of America.

Fried Cheese!!

For reals.

[Thespian Libby]

Oh geez.....I snorted over the thought of the French tossing the Statue of Liberty out to the curb then realizing "hmmmm....on second thought...."

[laura]

"HEAD, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND HOS. KNEES AND HOS!"

I'll never listen to the Wiggles in the same way again (and that's a GOOD thing!) Thanks, MD.

[David]

Great post, MD. Here's a question for you. What's TV like in other countries? My sister live in the U.K. and she's constantly raving about the great shows on the BBC. What about you?

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

Travel safely. I guess with a name like Pierre, something had to be French. Sounds like your feet have that distink honor.

[Sheri]

OK, MD, here's a question for you--is the food really that great in France?? God only knows, I'll probably never go, and well, I've always wanted to try french food, but haven't. Is it really that spectacular??? Just wondering.

[creative-type dad]

Man dude, you really know how to say it. I've done my bit of travel - nothing like you have though - and in those visits I realize more and more how lucky I am to be here.

As for France, I met the wife there (she's American though who was working there) she thinks the statue was orginally was flipping the bird. But to be fair- the Parisians suck... a lot, but most people in the south and north are O.K. in my book.

[pnuts mama]

q-tips and krs-1...i might just be married to your brotha from anotha motha. for reals.

question: when you get home from these trips does your peanut take it out on you by ignoring you for a day or two? our pnut is her daddy's girl sunday through about wednesday, then by friday night it's as if she ignores him, and it takes him most of saturday to win her over again. he works all day and takes classes 2 nights a week, so he doesn't get enough 'me-time' with her (he is working on upping the quality of the time he does get with her) and he gets so sad when friday evening rolls around and she wants nothing to do with him! makes mama not so happy either, as by friday night mama could use a break. just wonderin'. have a great trip and a safe return.

[maddy]

Delurking to say you have an avid reader here in Hong Kong as well. Are you here for the Gifts fair?

[honglien123]

Holy shit, Tupac, Biggie, and flawless English speaking non-Viet-Kieu Vietnamese in Vietnam??? Might finally be time for me to make a trip back to the home country (but only if they've upgraded from the green tar paper they used to have for toilet paper, your dad has a point dude). Glad you survived the rubber stamping capitol of the world.

That was a great tribute to America and I totally agree. After 26 years in this country, I finally got off my ass and applied for citizenship. It's time I put some effort into making this place mine too.

And poor Peanut. My daughter used to say those things when I traveled too. =(

Have fun, be safe, take care.

[Margalit]

As one who has spent a lot of time in France for months at a time, I can say with great pride: Why I hate the French just as much as they hate Americans. They do smell, they're rude, arrogant, and they think they're the frosting on the cake. Just look at who they elect? Oh my Gawd!

Anyhow, now that I'm done with them, onto other things. Great tribute to America. I learned that lesson when I was 19 and driving from Lisbon to Kabul on my way to India. We never got as far as India because Kabul was so scary and creepy it was time to go home. But I saw countries that had the worst of governments (Shah of Iran and Savak), with the worst of Human Rights (Pakistan). It was an eye opener.

I love the US for all it's faults, and I have hopes that as it ages, it will improve, like a fine cheese.

Questions: Is the only way you communicate with Boss Lady and Peanut by phone when you're away, or do you use a camera on your computer?

What kind of cool things are you bring home from this trip? For Peanut, for Boss Lady, and for ME?

Do you get downtime for this amount of travel once you get back to NYC?

What do you miss most about NYC other than your family and friends?

What are you reading right now?

Are you going to post more often once you get home? PLEASE?

have a great trip home.

[J-Man]

I've always shared your taste in television, MD. I was right there with you on West Wing, the Black Donnellys, Studio 60, and The Wire. Sadly, all those shows met an early demise. I think you cursed them. What new shows are you watching now? I want to make sure I don't get invested in them before they get cancelled!

[Pete]

Hey MD
I live in Europe now and I must say I fucking love it I will never return. America sould be more self-questioning, this we are the greatest nation in the world and everyone should be like us thinking is making me sick. No country is perfect but Amercians tend to think that and tell it to everyone asked for their opinion or not nope America is not superior to others. Biggest environment suckers anyway

[Derek J.]

MD, I hate to admit it but your Mets are looking pretty good these days (even without a healthy Pedro.) However, since these are the Mets we're talking about, one can only assume that they'll find some way to choke. I'm picking the Braves to beat them in the division this year. Any thoughts?

[Candice]

Hey MD,
Since you're a foodie, you should try this Japanese yakiniku restaurant called Iroha while you're here (in HK). The beef is effing amazing!

Iroha
2/F Jardine Center, 50 Jardine's Bazaar, Causeway Bay
tel: 2882-9877

[Mandy]

Question: Has BossLady knit you a pair of socks yet?

[BR]

Rain ponchos for dogs are good, but Rain ponchos for 50 lb. stone geese that sit on your front porch are better! Only in America.

> The tendency to tell the same 5 stories at every dinner party...loudly!

So, have you told your blog readers any of those 5 stories? Here's your chance at a fresh audience, without your wife being forced to hear them yet another time!

[Marie]

I think a good measure of how great a country is can be found by comparing the number of people who want to come here, to the number of people trying to get out. To all the people in this country who complain about how bad it is--you're free to leave!

[Molly Chase]

I was going to ask a question pertaining to the BossLady's knitting, but somebody else beat me to it. So I'll ask my standby: if you were a rock star, which rock star would the Peanut say you were?

[ray lee]

No questions at the moment, but I just wanted to point out that during the American Revolution, there wasn't a Queen on the throne, but King George III.

Funny that after all these years, majoring in History finally came in handy!

Have a great trip MD.

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Rob B.]

A hotel DJ spinning old-school Biggie, Tupac, Biz Markie, Digital Underground and Rakim in the middle of Vietnam? That might be the coolest thing I've ever heard!

[BossLady]

All this from a man named Pierre!!! The irony!!!

[lena]

You continue to intrigue and amaze me, MD. You have one of the more unique perspectives on life that I've ever come across. Your love of life is practically infectious. Totally makes my day when I see that you've got a new post up. My only complaint? MORE POSTS!

[Lachlan]

If money were no object and you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live and what would you do?

[Roger]

I think the ear cleaning obsession has to do with being Korean. Koreans are crazy about keeping their ears clean. No where else will you find a variety of implements to scoop out ear wax. I know it sounds gross, but if you're Korean you'll know what I mean. Damn q-tip obession... I got that from my dad too.

[Roger]

Oh, I forgot my question... what do you think about Canada and Canadians? Have you had a chance to see Vancouver?

[Emilie]

I too am delurking to say 1) I love MD and 2) that while I agree that the US has been getting too much crap recently, I'm not sure its the best nation on earth. There are other countries in which one can rise from nothing and make it to the top. Countries in which there is universal healthcare for those still at the bottom. Countries in which the top schools are affordable, because they're public. These things make social mobility much more likely than in the states. Its still a great country...but the best? Aw, its gotta be Canada. :)

[JJ Daddy-O]

It just goes to show you that the words...
"I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat"
... mean the same thing in every language:
America RAWKS!
PS, while you're in Saigon, can you pick up that Vespa scooter I've been looking for? I have some in my watch list on eBay. Thanks.

[Sal]

Gosh Metrodad, I can't believe that you also share the sin of naiveté! You guys don't want to see what your government does on a daily basis around the world...

[Hapasc]

Great post!
Question for your mail bag.
Always wondered what the Chinese restaurants in Vietnam, Korea, Russia, etc... were like and who has the best/worst. Any insight from your journeys is appreciated.

Safe travels.

[The Grocer]

Nope can't agree US is nowhere near greatest country yet, you need history and culture and longevity. Right now your fairly light on all three.

[NG]

I have no witty comments to add... just, "great post".

[RxMom]

When you travel for business, do you take anytime to visit other parts of the country? Nha Trang, Vietnam apparently has some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Are you careful what you eat or can you stomach just about anything by now?

[Jeffrey]

MD, I'm getting married in 3 months. What are the 5 things that a man should do before he gets married? Your advice would be much appreciated!

[Waya]

Your Mom sounds like a cool lady traveling solo like that! She's braver than I am for sure.

As for VN, how did you like the country? I haven't been back in 27 years and no desire to until my brother visited it twice and raved and raved about it.

I couldn't agree with you more about America being the best country in the world! People who live here take "her" for granted! They should really visit some other oppressed/poor countries to know what America is all about.

BTW, how did your parents come up with the name "Pierre" any way? Let me guess, they honeymooned in France?

Safe return my friend.

[Randy]

I couldn't agree with you more, MD (nor could I have put it better myself.) For all of America's warts (and I'm not denying that we have any,) this country still stands as a shining beacon for the freedom of individual liberties and the right to religious worship.

Yeah, we're bullies in the international arena and I could see why other nations hate us...but I'll take the good ole US of A any day of the week.

My question...who do you think would win in a fight between Jack Bauer and Mike Tyson?

[Mama Nabi]

Okay, that last bit? Sniff. Tugs at the heart strings, don't it? Man, I want to fly to NY to give that Peanut a hug and a kiss... you gotta be missing her something fierce.
Yeah, once you start traveling, you realize that there still is a lot of respect for the U.S. - just not so much for the past 8 years. (Hm, wonder why?) I can't wait until we start traveling more - my mom also travels a lot (on business, mostly) and I'm hoping we Nabis can take some time off to travel along with her, offer her some cheap labor in return... I, too, love Hong Kong - I'm glad, from what I hear, things didn't change too much after the govt exchange.

[Velma]

You're very lucky I've recovered from my pregnancy-induced over-active olfactory sensitivity and gag reflex, 'cause if I'd read that description of how that girl smelled while I was still pregnant?

I'd so be billing you for a new laptop to replace my vomit-covered computer.

Q: You arrive in Paris on a Wednesday morning. You are there to visit a terminally ill relative who lives in the 16th and will be staying in that area. Your relative won't have much stamina for long visits, so what do you try to squeeze in between Wednesday a.m. and Friday a.m.?

[Pedro]

"The French hate our fucking guts."

Actually, from what I've been told, it's the Parisians who hate our guts. Most (read: all the ones I've met) non-Parisians, admire the US and don't care much for their capital city counterparts.

[chunky930]

Deep fried cheese? How? More importantly, where???

[Bruce Reyes-Chow]

damn popular blog. just a congrats from a fellow featured typepadder and "metro" dad of three girls. I love the stuff that is out here. - Bruce

[Glennia]

Fantastic, as usual, MD. I think one of the reasons we travel so much is that it is always so nice to come home. Next time, take Peanut and Bosslady with you, ok?

And, congrats on being the Typepad Blog o' the Day!! I was so excited to see someone I know there for a change.

[Beth]

I LOVE Charmin!

[Beth]

I LOVE Charmin!