To the Students of Virginia Tech

Dear students of Virginia Tech,

My heart goes out to all of you. The shocking nightmare of the ordeal that you have experienced is truly tragic and I can only imagine how scared you all must be. Your collective strength, dignity and maturity in the wake of this tragedy has been truly inspiring. And despite your relative youth, your humanity humbles all of us.

As both a parent and as a Korean-American man, this tragedy hits close to my heart.  And although those two roles are very important to me, they certainly don't mean anything to you.  And it's all of YOU that I keep thinking about. 

I'm not old enough to be your dad nor young enough to be your peer. Nor do I have any professional background in therapy or grief counseling.  But I think maybe sometimes it's helpful to hear the advice of a random stranger to give you some perspective on the horror that you've all just experienced.

Maybe I can help. 

See, back on September 27, 1990, I too was a young college student. I was far away from home attending college at UC-Berkeley. College was a blast. Life was good. I was a happy young man.

Or at least I was until that night.

On that night back in 1990, I'd been studying at the library for a few hours.  Afterwards, I joined some buddies at a bar to celebrate a friend's birthday.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a deranged madman burst into the bar and started spraying dozens of shots from a Mac-10 machine gun.  Mayhem ensued.  Both the friends standing immediately to my left and to my right were shot. Twelve inches in either direction and I would have been shot in the back of the head.   

In the initial rampage, one student was killed. Seven others were wounded.  For almost 8 hours, the gunman held 33 of us hostage. The killer was clearly psychotic and, at more than one point, all of us inside were unsure whether we'd ever make it out of there alive. Thankfully, the entire ordeal finally ended when the SWAT team raided the bar and fatally killed the gunman.

Aside from living in NYC during 9/11, nothing in my life has ever come close to the sheer terror of that experience.  Hopefully, nothing else in your lives will ever come close to what you have just experienced. 

And although our experiences are different, maybe they're not so far apart. So, with a grain of salt, I want to offer you my advice and tell you what you may expect in the near future.  I hope that this, in some small way, helps you.

• The nightmares will be terrifying. You'll have a hard time sleeping for a long time.  Every time you close your eyes, you're going to be reliving those horrific moments. I needed to drown myself in Jack Daniels before I could even think about falling asleep every night.  I wish I could tell you a better way to avoid the nightmares but I can't.

• For a long time, the everyday sounds of life will have a much greater effect on you.  Whenever you hear a car backfire, you'll hit the floor in sheer panic. The sound of breaking glass will make your heart jump out of your body. This will all be so instinctive that you are sure that it will never end.  It will. It took me over a year. It took some of my friends even longer.
  

• You will find solace only with those with whom you shared the same experience as you. It's natural to develop a sort of "band of brothers" surivivor mentality.  And trust me, it's going to be extremely therapeutic for you to discuss your feelings with those who shared your experience and can appreciate the tragedy on a personal level.  But don't shun friends or family because you think they just don't "get it." They love you and are trying to be empathetic. Allow them in. 
  

• You may use alcohol and drugs to numb the pain and dull the memories. Be careful. I consumed more alcohol in the weeks following my experience than I had my entire life. I thought it helped but the healing really didn't begin until I stopped drinking and confronted the pain.

• See a counselor. Join support groups. Get professional help. Although I'd been through therapy before and was aware of its benefits, I had several friends who, prior to our ordeal, were not big believers. Trust me. Speaking to a trained professional can be immensely cathartic. 
  

• Stay away from all members of the press. They often lend a sympathetic ear at a time when you could gratefully use one. Don't trust them. They do not have the slightest regard for your best intentions. In incidents like this, they will live up to their reputations as bottom-feeding scumbags. 

• Turn off the TV. Forget about the newspapers. Don't surf the internet for stories related to the tragedy. You need some distance to process everything. The media coverage is only going to make you angry.  People are going to use this incident to push their political agendas, voice their individual opinions, and attack their personal enemies.  Ignore the vitriol.  Those people don't care about you and you've got to take care of yourselves. 

• Get away from it all. Grab some close friends and go camping. Take a vacation. Having friends with you will help you deal with what happened but putting some physical distance between you and the university will help also. 

Your feelings of fear and anxiety are going to last for awhile.  This is completely normal.  Try and be proactive and address your feelings now while you're in the moment.  Otherwise, you'll find yourself spiralling in depression months later.  Trust me.  I've seen it. 

Ultimately the incident can serve as a learning experience. You're lucky to be alive.  Be grateful for that.  Maybe it will give you more insight into how precious life is.  Maybe it will spur you to live your life in a different manner.  It will affect all of you in different ways.  Just try not to let the experience be a destructive one for you. 

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.  Stay strong, Hokies. 

Love,
Pierre

Comments

[marcy]

To anyone who feels that MD is characterizing the media unfairly, google the incident. He has reason to resent the way the incident was handled by the press. His feelings, his blog. Them's the rules.

MD, thank you for sharing your story.

[LaraChick]

What a sad, beautiful post. Thanks for sharing it.

[William]

Wow. Just Wow.

[ray lee]

Hey MD,

This was truly a great post. I was involved in gangs for a bit when I was really young (and stupid) and I was almost shot a couple of times. I didn't really have any PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder), but I think that it was just me fighting them and keeping them inside of me. With these experiences and many fights, I unconsciously learned to be automatically become immune to sadness and emotion pain.

Even 9/11 didn't affect me at that moment and I was right there when it happened. All these years, none of it bothered me at all--until I saw the movie WTC, which for whatever reason, brought out all the emotions that were left dorment. I realize that I respond emotionally to movies so when I see people getting shot at, each bang leaves a weird impression on me. The experiences at the movie theater really help me to bring out random emotions that I hold inside of me.

Anyways, thank you for your post. Though it doesn't help me, I am positive that it will help everyone who experienced it.

-ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[Leslie]

Your personal empathy and your selfless advice is extremely touching, MD. Thanks for writing this post. In its own way, it's one of the most powerful things I've read about this terrible ordeal.

Your ability to make us laugh and yet always think about the larger aspects of our lives is truly inspiring. Thanks for it all.

[Mama Nabi]

MD, thanks for sharing... what an awful ordeal.

And yes, when journalists are more interested in the ratings and beating the other station to a tidbit than they are in being human beings, they truly are being bottom-feeding scumbags... and are no different from the ones who call themselves journalists while actually working as leeches for tabloids.

[Rick B.]

Thanks for sharing your experience, MD. I had a near life-threatening car accident when I was in college. I was lucky to escape with my life. Like you, I came to realize how precious life really is and the whole ordeal changed my entire perspective.

It's made all the difference in my life.

[Pattie]

Incredible words of comfort, Pierre. Very brave of you to share your own experience with those who really need something with which they can relate and help them deal.

[Didi]

Thank you for this. I've been through 2 life-shattering events - a shooting at my workplace in 98, which left one dead and around 7 injured; and the disappearance (later found out to be the kidnap, rape, murder, dismemberment, and burning) of a friend.

You're absolutely spot-on about how it creates a "band of brothers (and sisters)", and that those people will understand you in ways that no one else does. These are the people that I can call and say "I saw someone today who reminded me of Shannon and it freaked me out" or "Someone brought in balloons to work and a couple of them popped and I nearly had a panic attack". I'm not in contact with these people on a daily basis anymore, but I know 100% that I can reach out to them any time I need to and they'll be there.

The rest of it rings true, also, but it's taken a lot longer for me to return somewhat to normal.

[Suburban Turmoil]

Wow, Pierre. This was powerful.

As a former member of the bottom-feeding scumbags, I can say your advice is dead-on. Even those of us reporters who are (or were, in my case) truly sympathetic to victims- even we had a job to do and incredible pressure from our bosses to get the tears and the excruciating details on camera. And we knew that if we took a stand and refused to do it, they'd simply hire someone else who would and we'd be out of the job we worked our asses off to get. It was disgusting and horrible and really the only reason I jumped at the first opportunity to leave the business.

The only reason I can think of to speak to the media during a tragedy is if you need to appeal to the public for help or information. At that point, any coverage can be invaluable. Otherwise, don't do it. Nothing good can come of it.

[whit]

I can't even imagine.

Nice post Pierre.

[Mom101]

I'm just floored.

I can't imagine how painful it must be for you to watch the events of the past week, what memories it must have stirred up. And I'm just so impressed that you're able to channel it in a such a constructive way that I hope will help out a few people.

You should send this post as a letter to the editor of the Va Tech Paper. I think the more students that see it the better.

[glady]

Wow, such a powerful post. Thanks for sharing this incredibly moving story. I'm also a former member of the media (newspaper not TV) and I hated, HATED having to participate in stories where I needed to talk to the families of victims. I was fortunate that there isn't the same kind of pressure from bosses -- no one ever told me to make someone cry for the sake of a photo -- but it felt so needlessly intrusive. I left a newspaper once where they asked me to stake out an emergency room to talk to grieving parents. I said I would tell the floor nurse that I was interested in hearing their story when and IF they were ready. That wasn't good enough for my editor. I left and never looked back. I was fortunate that my last (much bigger, more professional) newspaper didn't require such invasive tactics. I still didn't like knocking on doors, but it never failed to shock me that half of the families *wanted* to talk. When they said no, I apologized and went away. But half the time they invited me in. And I'd say about half of those interviews led to thank you notes from the family. I guess everyone is different in their grief. Still, I don't think I'd like a reporter knocking on my door and leaving me messages, especially when you mutiply that one visit or call by X number of media outlets. It makes me sick when you see TV news crews parked in front of a victim's house, doing a live shot. For God's sake, who cares if their house is in the background??? Thanks again MD. I was very moved by your experience.

[Sarah Marie]

Hi MD,
I rarely comment but always read. This post was amazingly honest and helpful to me and hopefully to the individuals at VT. I haven't ever been in a near-death experience like you and others have, but I feel your words have change me for the better nonetheless. Thanks for your post.

[carol]

Pierre, beautiful letter. What a horrific and world-shattering thing to go through - thank you for sharing this experience.

One of your friends at Kimchi Mamas -

[ny]

MD, thanks for your thoughtful response to my question earlier this month.

Sorry to hear about what happened to you in college. Your sharing this to help the VT community will be at least one good thing that happens out of that horror.

Another question for you - what is your take on NBC's broadcasting of the manifesto package? Bottom-feeding scumbag behavior? Or did it do good in clarifying the situation and dispelling some confusion?

[Waya]

Pierre,

I'm truly sorry for what you have gone through. I can't imagine how the whole ordeal must have been for you and your family.

Your eloquent and thoughtful post will truly help those affected in VT.

[Mitch McDad]

PK-
I bow to your elegance and insight. Your story from Cal is equally insane and terrifying…and that of a movie. I can’t imagine shit like that going down in real life. Even seeing the VT footage over and over again, it strikes me as surreal due to the desensitization we’ve been through over the years.

Thanks for your words.

-Mitch

[Lunasea]

Every time something like this happens, I remember Henry's (I'd eaten there just a few nights previously) and think about you. You've said it so much better than any crisis counselor could.

(from a crisis counselor, BTW, in Berkeley)

[Corky]

MD, That was beautiful. I truly hope that VT students find their way to this post. Your words had a profound affect on me. Thank you.

[misfithausfrau]

I thought of you when the tragedy occurred and knew that you would write something. This is truly a wonderful and thoughtful piece.

[Marisa]

I'm glad you wrote this, MD. We're so used to moving onto the next new story that we forget the long-lasting effects that incidents like this have on their victims. Your advice is spot-on.

[wn]

Pierre,

I hope you don't think I'm placating your ego when I tell you that you are indeed awesome.

This post was brave, useful, thoughtful and empathetic.

Every time I think you've reached your pinnacle, then you done go and do something even better!

Bravo

- Natalie

[kittenpie]

Wow, Metro. I was so glad to see a couple of VT students up at the top actually found this. I'll bet you're right, that they can only really accept that kind of advice from someone who's been there. I hate that you were, that they were, but you have my mad props for using what you know this way.

And I thought I was a fan before...

[Her Bad Mother]

Oh, M-D. Holy shit.

Feeling for you - and them - hard.

The Nikki Giovanni convocation was great, as was the orginal post. I recommend linking to it.

The Nikki Giovanni convocation was great, as was the orginal post. I recommend linking to it.

[Michelle O'Neil]

Wow. This is what art of any form is about.

Taking your pain and making something beautiful out of it.

What a great post.

[Which 50 Am I?]

I disagree with writergirl. It's more fair to label all journalists as bottom-feeding scumbags than to label Koreans as such because 95% of journalists are so whereas only 50% of Koreans are. What's 5% among friends?

[Nicolette Tallmadge]

I wasn't a VT student, I actually graduated from Radford, which is located one town away from Tech. But even so, the whole incident knocked me for a bit of a loop because we were almost as familiar with the Tech campus as were with our own school. Plus we had plenty of friends who are alumni and they're pretty shaken up as well. But I must say, bravo! This was one excellent post, actually the best I've seen on the whole topic. I'll certainly be directing it to all of the Tech alums I know.

[croutonboy]

DUDE! You're the featured Typepad blog tonight! You rock! And you're not even here to enjoy it!

[slouching mom]

This was beautiful, moving, and, above all, clearly helpful to the students who read it.

Bravo. It took guts to write, I'd imagine. Why revisit something so painful, except to help other people feel less pain?

You're a good guy, MD.

[Pamela]

Real people - with real empathy would be the better counselors in situations like this. Eloquent presentation....although...
I NEVER want to understand such fear.

Here from "perfect post"

[ann adams]

I can't imagine what it must have been like for you or the students.

Beautifully said.

[Ruth Dynamite]

Speechless.

This is really beautiful.

[helen morris]

I'm not a parent or live in America. I visited because you were the featured blog. I was laughing then crying, all within ten minutes. What a wonderful, moving post. Thank you.

[Pepa]

Metrodad,

Once again, Congratulations!
You touched me!
All the best from Spain!

Next time in Europe, give us a call you and bosslady! Madrid is sort in the way to become the hong kong of old Europe!! Just kidding, just kidding! Jajaja!!
(I love hong kong, by the way. Asia is the future, that I am sure!)

Best regards.
MC

[Desiree]

Fantastic post. I wish I could printi it out and staple it to every open space I could find.

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for caring.

[Renante]

It sounds like a great book to read. Recently, I'm stnggulirg at work, xtreme busy and heavy work is making me xtremly tired. When I see the word faith in your post, I think of God. I wish God hear my prayers.ristinw recently posted..

[Anna]

That is so awesome, Ben, and you're right, it will mean the world to him to have been able to cecnont in a small group like that. That's what young people need, and I'm excited to hear that he's cecnonting and will grow in his faith because of it!I am and I am not cecnonted in a small group community. Confusing, I know. I try to attend the weekly meeting of my ministry (I have a campus coach who actually attends and works with student leaders) and while there are times it does help, a bunch of 18-22 year olds don't really know the same experiences as a 31 year old. So I'm looking for a group to be in personally.

[Petriina]

Your impact on the new group meebmr is Eternal and Your contribution to that community' is Eternal you may not think it's much, but thank you for making Him known through you. Not in a small community group ..for now. Thanks for the video post. Loved it!

[Pedro]

I was working the avroeac medical missions from balad Iraq to Germany during the time your husband came through. I don't remember any exact conversation, but he does look familiar. I am so sorry to hear of your suffering, stress and ultimate loss. It is horribly tragic and it happens more than the publicly knows.You are not ever alone. Big hugs to you!

[Dmitry]

i've seen some of these pictures broefe. they are full of life and love. every time i read your blog, karie, you find another way to touch my heart.

[Blessing]

http://www.searchinsurancedeals.com/|car insurance quotes 941 http://www.usaglobalquotes.com/|auto insurance quotes =((( http://www.bestqualityedtreatment.com/|cialis %-D http://www.usaglobalquotes.com/auto-insurance-quotes-west-virginia.html|Charleston auto insurance quotes :-OOO http://www.buyedtabletsonline.com/|ordering viagra >:-PPP http://www.aboutomaha8.com/|card game omaha 896155

[Andi]

http://www.getedtabletsonline.com/|buy cheap sildenafil online omu http://www.mycheapestinsurer.com/|swift car insurance cover japkdz http://www.autoinsurpolicy.com/|cheap auto insurence online lytia http://www.vadisrad.com/|accounting online degree pxr http://www.usaglobalquotes.com/auto-insurance-quotes-alaska.html|Alaska auto insurance quotes >:-]]] http://www.lovekarmaloop.com/|online colleges 8-)) http://www.edremedies.net/|purchase cialis 8-]]]

[Pepper]

http://www.buyautocoveronline.com/cheap-auto-insurance-GA.html|healthcare insurance best Georgia 7319 http://www.edtabletsshop.com/|cialis wholesale oftyyp http://undercovercrafter.com/|cheap auto insurance 21894 http://www.aboutcarinsurancerates.com/|online car insurance comparison 63268 http://www.lowpricetreatment.com/|cialis tablets wholesale jcet http://www.mycarinsuranceprovider.com/|car insurance spanish ndjiug http://modelcoblog.com/|buy cialis 1225

[Diandra]

http://www.carinsurquote.net/|get car insurance now =) http://www.getanonlinequote.net/|online auto insurance 014889 http://findyourdrugstore.net/|generic viagra online no prescription 221370 http://www.helpforedonline.com/|genaric cialis vehb http://www.rightplacetobuymeds.com/|buy cialis online oeg http://www.edcureon.net/|cialis jdp

[Krisalyn]

http://www.buyautocoveronline.com/cheap-auto-insurance-IL.html|car insurance quotes IL :-(( http://www.edtabletsshop.com/|generic cialis :((( http://wilshirevermont.com/|cyalis ps cher %-]]] http://www.bestautoinsurancepolicies.net/|car insurance quotes :[[[ http://www.insurcompanieslist.com|all car insurance quotes at one place 3179 http://www.carinsuranceissue.com/|cheap car insurance 89914

[Aggy]

http://www.onlinecollegeoffers.net/|law degree online free 8-[ http://canadianaudiophile.com/|generic cialis =] http://www.carinsurancechoice.net/|mn auto insurance >:-DD http://www.cheapestcarinsuronline.com/|carry insurance antvma http://www.topcarprotection.com/kansas-city-car-insurance-quotes.html|quotes car insurance evu

[Chubby]

http://politics-matters.com/|international life insurance term %-OO http://ramblingsofamarinewife.com/|cialis on the web =-OO http://www.onlinecheapautoinsur.com/|car insurance free estimate pmdho http://www.qualityskincare.net/|stupak accutane 756 http://www.cheappillsfored.com/|generisk cialis eu =-D http://insuredcar.net/|cheapest car insurance women 07103