THE DECLINE OF WESTERN SNIFFILIZATION

After being sick for almost an entire week, the Peanut is back to her normal, boisterous self.

I, on the other hand, feel like death warmed over. A bad case of the flu and the onset of allergy season have served to create a perfect storm of incapacity. Unfortunately, I took two days off from work in the past week to care for my ailing daughter so now I'm forced to suck it up and suffer through the pain.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those whiny men who snivel and whimper whenever they get sick.  However, when it comes to the flu and allergies, I'm not the toughest guy on the planet. Especially not in comparison to my ancestors.   

See, I am the modern descendent of a tough farming family who, for thousands of years, tended the fields in Korea with nothing more than a toothpick and a mangy dog. 

My father has often regaled us with stories of living for days off nothing but tree roots and raw eggs.  When he was young, his parents told him school was no longer necessary because he was going to live the rest of his life as a farmer.  Whenever he protested, his parents beat him. One day, he decided to run away and never looked back. Thus he began his life as a street urchin.  Many nights, he would often sleep outside in the fields with his cousin. The two of them would huddle together as snow fell all around them. To this day, the man is strong as an ox and as tough as nails. 

Me?  I ain't that tough.  However, I DO know that I've got a high threshold for pain.  Once, when I got an incredibly bad case of tennis elbow, I was STILL able to put on my v-neck sweater and pull the top down on my convertible.  That's right, motherfuckers!  By myself! 

Ok, so I'm not that tough.

I only eat raw eggs when they're on top of my steak tartare.  I get sick at least 4-5 times every year.  And the day that I sleep in the fields will be the same day that Frette comes out with a 10,000-thread count sleeping bag made out of a goose's pubic fur.   

The realization that I have personally destroyed the survival instincts of my Korean ancestors in less than a single generation is not lost on me.  As I was telling my personal food taster the other night, I can't help it. Like Jay-Z, I'm just a "product of my environment." 

The most symbolic aspect of my lack of toughness is the fact that I am the only member of my family who gets allergies.  I never had them growing up but, over the past 5 years, I've become a congested and sniffling mess.  My nose drips like Robert Downey, Jr. at a house party with Kate Moss. 

And as much as the flu is beating me into submission, it's really the allergies that are kicking my ass. According to my doctor, I'm pretty much allergic to EVERYTHING: mites, mold, pollen, trees, grass, cat dander and horses.  It is the running family joke that a man who comes from a long line of farmers is allergic to trees and grass. 

Are there any medical professionals out there?  Does anyone know what would happen if I mixed Scotch, TheraFlu, Allegra-D, Nasacort, Emergen-C, Airborne, chicken noodle soup, and ginseng tea all together? 

Comments

[twizzle]

Dude! Get thee to a doctor and demand a prescription for Nasonex!

http://www.nasonex.com/nasx/application?PID=0001084001000000)

I, too, have been sicker than a dog for two weeks (w/ similar symptoms to what you describe) and Nasonex has helped my allergy/sinus/flu symptoms immeasurably.

xox,
Twizzle

[leora]

It's funny how every generation gets softer and softer, isn't it? I expect that in a few years, all of Western Civ will be reduced to a bunch of blubbering lightweights. Feel better, MD!

[Deanna (domestic chicky)]

"Are there any medical professionals out there? Does anyone know what would happen if I mixed Scotch, TheraFlu, Allegra-D, Nasacort, Emergen-C, Airborne, chicken noodle soup, and ginseng tea all together?"

Psh! You don't need a Doctor- At my house, that's called "Saturday night"! ;)

[Tantivies]

Sounds like you need an Oreck Air Purifier. But in absence, you can't go wrong with mixing drugs and alcohol

[The Other Ruth]

Since you were the only blogger who made me laugh out loud in less than 5 minutes, I voted for you and added you to my faves.

Don't mess up and make me delete you.

No pressure, though.

Just sayin'....

[Papa Bradstein]

"Does anyone know what would happen if I mixed Scotch, TheraFlu, Allegra-D, Nasacort, Emergen-C, Airborne, chicken noodle soup, and ginseng tea all together?"

You know what happened to Richard Pryor when he mixed all that shit together, right? But that's not to say that the flames didn't dry up his sniffle for a few minutes.

Might be worth it.

[iflyg]

I once mixed Scotch, TheraFlu, Allegra-D, Nasacort, Emergen-C, Airborne, chicken noodle soup, and ginseng tea all together, and now I can make myself invisible.

[Drunk Mummy]

You need those Hockey's Little Helpers - Sudafed. Even if they don't clear the congestion, at least you will be able to clean the house, make the dinner, mow the lawn, and land a few dirty hits on the other parents in the park.

[Emily]

Ditto on the Nasonex, shit has changed my life. Hope you are feeling better soon.

[pokettiger]

I love men. I detest male bashing. If a woman tells me a joke or sends me an email with a dumb man story I will speak up and let them know I don't appreciate such things, cause again I think men are the best. But there is one thing I have noted. Men are the biggest babies on the face of the earth when they are sick. A woman will still manage to do, at the very least, a load of laundry if she is home sick. A man however will lay on the couch watching his favorite tv shows or sit and surf the internet and will then whimper a little until someone (usually a woman) brings him his blankie and chicken noodle soup.
So, have you done any laundry yet?

[Issa]

Maybe what you really need is a bubble to live in.

I'm not joking, that's what my allergist suggested to me a few months back. I laughed at him, but I don't think he was kidding.

I'd mix all that shit in a blender and give it some fancy name and sell it to celebrities. You'd make bank. Feel better.

[Carol Snider]

You 'n' me both, my friend! And I thought it was the dismal Seattle spring -- if one can call MORE clouds and MORE gray skies "spring"! Yesterday all I could do was whine and kvetch and watch "Dancing with the Stars."

Glad Peanut's better. Really, I can handle you being all goopy and sad (suck it UP, dudde!), but when you said that SHE was acting like a sullen teenager... well, as the mom of FOUR of those, you can imagine that I began to weep...

Carol

[Mrs. Q.]

Bless you. Allergies are a circle of hell reserved for us lucky few. I am allergic to everything. AND I'm pregnant, so I can't take anything. No a thing. No drugs. Imagine my hell that is pollen season.

[Linda]

OMG, MD! I was already laughing my ass over this post...and then I read the tagline. Sick my duck? Bwahahahaha!

[LeeMarvin]

Glad to hear that the Peanut is fellin' betta.

Sorry to hear that you're not.

You'll be like a (drunk) toddler strung-out on sugar if you mix all that stuff together. But hey, some of the stuff might cancel out. Let us know how it works out for ya!

Hope you feel better soon.

[honglien123]

Dude, don't tell me about being soft and wimpy. The last time we moved, my mother practically balanced my dining room table on her head, grabbed all four chairs and moved them down my three flights of stairs while I moved a box of papers and whined about a paper cut.

Hope you're feeling better, all I have to offer for a remedy is tigerbalm under the nose.

[JJ Daddy-O]

I thought it was 3rd Bass that was a "product of the environment"? Or am I just dating myself?
http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?playlistId=4540750&s=143441&i=4540730

[grant]

zicam works wonders for me anytime i get flu and/or cold symptoms...i use the lozenges, but the swabs are supposed to be good too.

[JJ Daddy Baby Momma]

Add some local honey to that mix. It'll sweeten it up, and might even help.

I did shots (allergy, not scotch) for awhile - they did help. It was the test that killed me. Every Single Thing they injected into my forearm reacted. I wanted to chew it off, and it was daylight and I wasn't waking up next to something horrible.

[Sheri]

Glad Peanut is better.

I say mix all that stuff together and watch the room go round and round.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Latia]

If you mix all of those medicines up, you will see lots and lots of pink elephants, dancing clowns with their suits on backwards, and penisis (?) with wings flying around your head.

Have fun with that.
You'll feel much better in the AM.

[NYC Yangban]

Accupuncture, my friend. I've been suffering same as you since i was 18 (odd how allergies develop late in life -- kinda like when my testicles finally dropped during my drivers' license test).

They stick needles in your ears that lowers your immune system for a couple of months. That should cure your allergy symptoms, but don't catch another flu or you can die.

[Jonathon]

i think mixing those ingredients = best party you won't remember. do it, and record it for the rest of us.

[Aimee]

I didn't read all the other comments, but I'm passing info to you that was given to me. If you can somehow get honey, and by that I do not mean in a bear-shaped jar at the supermarket, but honey that has been made within 50 miles of where you live, take/eat a spoonful every day during allergy season. This helps build your immunity without making you feel the symptoms.

I'm not familiar with NYC, but I would venture that there are some incredible Markets (Farmer's Markets, maybe? I dunno. I'm from BFE). But the key is getting "local" honey.

[BR]

For the allergies I second the local honey suggestion - my partner swears by it.

Can't help you with the flu, except to say "Suck it up and be a Buckeye". Oh wait, you don't live in Ohio... "Suck it up and be a Sugar Maple" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

[sara - The Estrogen Files]

Okay, does a goose really *have* pubic FUR? And all these years I thought it was down...

Seriously, if you mix that goop all together, please use a LOT of good scotch. And drink it for me. For a vicarious healing. And inebriation...

[JGH]

Try Euphrasia for the allergies. It's a homeopathic herb that is supposed to help.

[Meagan]

The combination he's described is now commonly referred to as the "Anna Nicole Daily Cocktail" (ANDC), not to be confused with the "Anna Nicole Special Occasion Cocktail" (ANSOC), whereby you add at least two anti-depressants and four narcotics to the ANDC or the "Anna Nicole Prenatal Cocktail," which is the ANSOC with the addition of a prenatal vitamin and is taken with orange juice [and vodka].

[Marnie]

Let me know when Frette comes out with that sleeping bag. I'll have to get one for my husband (who looks like he hasn't seen the outdoors in the past decade.)

[CK]

Ahh...the dreaded cycle of death (as we call it at our house) when parents and kids rotate being sick for weeks on end. I think someone in our house was sick for the entire winter. Just when one person would recover, another one would get sick. With 6 of us under one roof, that can be pure torture!

[marcy]

As a medical professional, my official assessment is "can't hurt/might help."

But I'd check with The Doctor...

[Vampdaddy]

While the doctor's I travel amongst these days can dope you up with all sorts of varied drugs, none of them address the allergy beast. However, I was put on Singulair for asthma several years ago, and as an added bonus it completely eradicated the 4-8 months out of the year I sneezed, wheezed and coughed due to allergies. Even though the idea of a daily dose for the rest of my days is a bit of a downer, I happily do it so I can skip through the fields and rub my face in the back of a cat.

[Lena]

Glad to see that the flu and allergies haven't dampened your sense of humor! Feel better, MD!

[kmkat]

No help on the allergies -- I outgrew mine by age 40, so there's still hope for you -- but 2 grams (yes, that is 2000 milligrams!) of vitamin C a day will help with the catchy-infectious thingies. It's not a coincidence that Linus Pauling hit on that dosage. Yeah, I know that science hasn't been able to duplicate his findings but for me personally, the vitamin C thing really, really works.

[MammaLoves]

And the day that I sleep in the fields will be the same day that Frette comes out with a 10,000-thread count sleeping bag made out of a goose's pubic fur.

I think I just peed in my pants. Seriously, find those...call me!!!

[zoe's dad]

Dude, I'm all for showing the brave face but sometimes you've just got to throw in the towel. I've been there...http://zoesdad.com/2007/04/04/god-bless-thomas-crapper.aspx.

My advice is make the elixir, drink it heartily and call the sitter.

[Susie]

There must be something going around. Everyone in NYC seems to be sick right now. Thankfully, our house has escaped danger so far.

Oh crap, I just jinxed us, didn't I?

[Jason]

I'd replace the Allegra-D with Zyrtec(rocks allergies)... There is a decongestant in Thera-Flu. There is no need to double up on decongestants.

[mod*mom]

hi metrodad!

[Philip]

Vodka works for me. I prefer blueberri stoli...

Hope you feel better soon.

[Kim]

I wonder if that's karma. LOL. Ha. Just messin' with ya.

QUOTE: Try Euphrasia for the allergies ...

Wow, for a NY minute I thought you were suggesting to "euthenaise" MD.

[Jamie]

"My nose drips like Robert Downey, Jr. at a house party with Kate Moss."

Hahahahaa!

[Christine]

I am so glad to see that your amazing wit is unaffected by your being sick. Dang, that's a whole lotta drugs! You should be feeling like Superman soon. Claritin-D has always made me perk up when my colds or allergies get out of control. Watch it with the Airborne if you haven't taken it before, though. I took it before working in the nursery two weeks ago b/c I was sick of the rugrats sharing their viruses with me. I broke out in hives, swelled up, and itched like heck for 3 days. How's that for irony?

[sweatpantsmom]

I think your allergies are a result of that goose's pubic fur.

Lay off it, brudda!

[Waya]

You have me cracking up every time, thank you!

[Lunasea]

Oh man, allergies are the worst. I'm allergic to air. Nasal sprays like Nasonex are the best thing so far. Trust me on this one.

If you combine all that stuff, your nose will still itch but you won't care. Trust me on that one, too.

[jenn]

try euphrasia for your allergies. it's a homeopathic remedy for hay fever. it's the only thing that works for me (and trust me, i've tried them all). you can find euphrasia at your local health foods store / vitamin shop. buy the euphrasia in sublingual tablet form. it's the most effective.

[kittenpie]

Don't you think you should ask MetroBro about this? Cause I'm all, hey, you know what you can handle, dude. Me, I can't take anything more than my patented prescription of 1.5 pots of tea, 1 litre of chicken noodle soup, and as much Drambuie as it takes to burn the germs out of your throat on its way down. Repeat twice daily for two or three days or until you get so waterlogged and sick of chicken soup, you're ready to go back to work just to escape it.

[KC]

I did this lovely mixture unwittingly prior to Jolie's birthday party and I don't recommend it. Yes. I should know.