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March 29, 2007


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Holy crap, creepy kids are the worst.

One of my friends has a pretty creepy son, and try getting out of that one - when you love your friend but her son says things like "My kitty told me I have two stomachs and one needs to get out".

Gah, *Shudder*

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

Have you tried holding out a crucifix and seeing how he reaacts?

Woman with Kids

Perhaps offering a drink of holy water?


Dude, we got a kid like that in our neighborhood too. Scares the crap out of me!

Angie in Texas

there's one in AM's class. there are more than a few of us who are 100% sure that this kid's gonna end up the next uni-bomber or bundy . . . *shudder*

I laughed out loud (at work!) while reading this....

then I wondered about the kid and his issues. I'm married to an ADHD and the parent of an Autie - so I always second guess any judgement of a child - then it occurred to me, his baby sister - who shows every sign of being fairly neurotypical - could quite well turn out the same way - she runs and grabs me and screams no and tries to push us apart any time my husband tries to hug me. and she will literally push her big (much bigger) brother out of a place she wants - and she's not even 18 months old... I sometimes ponder if some of the times big brother is a bit rough with her isn't just self defense...


Holy crap, I thought the Army of God pajamas were a joke but then I realized they were completely serious! THAT'S scary!


If things keep going the way they are, this kid will probably grow up to be President.


Screw the kid -- I need a pair of those PJ's! Perhaps Peanut could start carrying a "holy sippy cup" to defend the MD family.


Sounds like a case that Jacob the Jeweler can help you with...cuz who wants to wear a wooden crucifix around their necks (am I right ladies)?

Get yourself a neato crucifix, bling that mug out, get it blessed by a Priest, and wear that mug out around the town. And while you're at it, get the Peanut one too (it'll further delve her into her Jive talkin').
Chances are the Bling alone will send him and his momma running to the nearest dark alley to hide from the shine of the diamonds and platinum.

And he scratched you?
Get your rabies shot.


I ran a camp. I dealt with lots of sociopath kids every summer. And a few psychopaths. Always a good time.

One of them used to just beat the shit out of other kids, and not understand why he was in trouble. He literally couldn't make the connection to the consequence.

It was eerie.

Then he got his ass kicked by one of his victims.

Strangely? Never did it again.


I used to work at a kid's summer camp, and it was always a little eerie when several kids would start up a conversation about torturing animals. No kidding. And the ones who were REALLY eager to learn about tying knots and starting fires also kinda wigged me out.

Snoop Dogg

My brother's kid is a raging psycho. He totally freaks me out. Last summer, I caught him tearing the legs off a spider one by one. The look of sheer joy on his face terrified me.


I'm looking forward to hearing your post about the Peanut's bi-polarity, MD. My two year old has been driving us insane lately!

Shoot some holy water in a squirt gun at him and see if it burns!


The tag for this post is brilliant, MD.


I vote for the PJs. They certainly ensure that this evil kid -- or any other kid for that matter -- will ever come near the child wearing them.


Fuck, of course that would be "never come near"... goddamn bourbon...

JJ Daddy Baby Momma

I'm with prescott, even if he's drunk.

Go for the pajamas. That way, not only will Satanino run in the opposite direction, but the Jehovah's Witnesses might be freaked enough to stay away too.

And I'm sure it will be a hit with the deli diners!


Hey,I had Damien in my hood a couple of years back, too. We were in the park, and Damien ran into the center of one of those galvanized spinning wheels that induce vomiting in kids with weak stomachs and declared in that same deep voice, "I summon the dark lord". I kept looking over my shoulder for ravens and bull mastifs.
You're in NYC--my recommendation: confrontation, but in an Alan Fundt sort of way. I definitely would have paid good money to see MD's inpromptu response...


Whoa! 3 posts in one week, you're da man and we're so blessed!

So that's where Rosemary's baby ended up, in your neighborhood. Better yours than mine dude!


"I love you! Come here! Gimme a donut! Go away! That's mine! I don't like you! Kiss me! Get out!"

If that doesn't cover the emotional whirlwind of a 2 year old, I don't know what does!


Follow them home, then anonymously sign them up for "spiritual visits" from representatives of every denomination you can identify. Maybe one of them will work.

Been there, prosecuted that, and now try to forget them. Seriously, some kids are messed up and our legal/social system does little about it until they've murdered someone. Or two or three...


The Devil Wears Playdough? Bwahahaha, MD! You crack me up!


Holy water.


Shit, I forgot your question once I clicked on the Armor of God PJ's link. I added the express shipping option so I'm going to sleep gooooood this weekend.


damn, those pjs are $50!!!


Oh, dear. How did you find those PJs? Why, of course you should get them...for the entire NEIGHBORHOOD! Because, you know, New Yorkers would really appreciate them (in a weird, random, New Yorker kind of way).

"...his mother (who doesn't do a damn thing!)..."
Not even a "No, Timmy, we don't scratch and draw blood."? Hmmm...


Don't you try any of those "Yo momma..." jokes on him. They might be your last.

Rachel E.

There's a girl in my daughter's class that I'm sure I'm going to hear about on the news in ten years or so - truly evil. My advice? Stay away. Stay far, far away....


Oh dear, sounds like a creepy kid. Smudge him with a sage stick and pour holy water on his head. Be all nonchalant about it, like it’s a cool game. That should do it.


Boy, I miss the days when kids got a good old-fashioned spanking when they did something wrong, violent, or just plain mean.

Andres Bonifacio

Ah, the hijinks of kids. Here's a story about kids today.

Please sign and disseminate to your networks. Act against anti-Asian hate crime!


Condemn anti-Asian hate crimes and hold MTA accountable!


Garlic...you need garlic to ward off this monster!


Personally, I can't get past the PJ's!


I can't believe you are making fun of a kid with such serious issues. The poor child just needs some help.

Just kidding. Kid sounds like a fucking nut.


He scratched you??? Seriously? Should hit his mom with a little lawsuit, maybe then she'd pay attention.

Although, I have to say the Armor of God PJs scare me way more than the kid.


I think you should annonymously send a priest over to the kids' house. Even somebody dressed like a priest. Tell the kid it's holy water and sprinkle it on him. See what happens.


I completely missed the armor of god PJs-the perfect gift for the english soccer hooligan in every family!



This may not be everyone's cup of tea, but this is my recommendation.

Airsoft sniper rifle.

Check out www.airsoftextreme.com

What you do, is you get one of these bad boys. Not the fully automatic ones, but one of the bolt-action sniper rifles.

When you see this little kid. Just pull it out, slide the bolt back, and you can take him with an 8mm biodegradable BB that will fly upwards of 600 fps if you want it to go that fast.

But, you don't have to make it go that fast. It's silent, stings like a mofo, and if you shoot him somewhere like the fat int he small of the back, I guarantee you make the kid cry.

It's useful on other NYC nuisances as well.

It works well in Chicago.

JJ Daddy-O

Careful, dude, you don't want to wind up like Gregory Peck, or that guy who had the run in with a truckload of plate glass.....

Samantha Jo Campen

You had me crying. I can't get over the sheer craziness of that interaction. Damn.

I've never met a kid like that personally, but my friend is an elementary school teacher and had one in his class last year. Jake said the hair on the back of his neck would stand up every time he had to see that kid. The kid's parents were totally normal, and were trying to do everything to straighten their son out. But Jake is convinced that boy will be on a bell tower with a deer rifle in the next 15 years.



I just have to say that what scared me the most about this post was the link to the Armor of God pj's. When that page popped up and I saw red and white satin with children carrying shields I thought What the F*#%!


Hey MD,

I think every neighborhood has (at least) one of them.
I raised a child like the one you mentioned! One time, when he was small, he slapped his grandmother! There was another time when he wanted to stand in the middle of traffic "to see what it would feel like". I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. (I own a DSM IV.) Thank God for health care, psychologists and drugs. He's perfectly normal now; he grew out of it. The trick is to not show fear (and run like the wind).

Sounds like the Peanut is testing the waters to see how high her parents will jump and respond to her whims. Perfectly normal.


"The Devil Wears Playdough" tag cracked my ass up, MD. Love it.

creative-type dad

Squirt gun + holy water.
And maybe mace as a backup. But I hear if you mace a demon they get really angry and spew acid (with souls of angry cats).

It was good knowin' ya'...

Mitch McDad

PK. Better get a rabies shot. He reminds me of a neighbor of mine growing up in Jersey. This dude was possessed. The worst thing he did was swing one of those beaded jump ropes at my brother while he was riding his bike. The rope wrapped around his neck and yanked him off his bike.

Maybe the demon that scratched you is my guy's kid??

And dig the "who's your mommy?" game. Nice, discrete way to check out babes.


1. - Definately stop throwing your kid in the air. I can't tell you the number of parents who have regretted doing that when their child was in the emergency room.

2. - Change towns and get away from the spawn of satan as fast as possible.


pretty terrifying. but if worse comes to worse, maybe you can sit on him or something until his mom decides to come over and pitch in. he's 7 right? you could probably take him...but I'd wear those protective padded sleeves like those attack dog trainers just in case. I'm curious if his mom has ever followed up on the incident.


Get yourself a tetanus booster.

Get the kid some stock in oil and Halliburton. I think you've found a future vice-president.

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