Regular readers know that if I don't post here for awhile, all the flotsam floating around my brain tends to explode in a diaspora of mental diarrhea. Usually, I can just annoy my wife with everything on my mind but lately she's been busy with work. Besides, we're about to take off for a week of some hardcore skiing and snowboarding in Colorado. When I'm not on the slopes, I plan on overdosing on chili, catching up on some reading, and teaching the Peanut how to throw snowballs at people from the balcony.
Since it's highly unlikely I'll be posting here for awhile and since I've got some random shit on my mind, I thought I'd leave you with another Chaos Theory post...
MY DOMESTIC TRANSFORMATION IS ALMOST COMPLETE!
Today, I signed up for a cooking class. Either I'm the definition of a true Renaissance man of the new millennium or I'm slowly turning into a fucking Asian houseboy.
Why am I doing this, you may ask? Because BossLady and I have noticed that whenever the intercom buzzes, the Peanut automatically sprints to the front door and yells, "Dinner here?"
Very cute but so wrong.
STICKY FINGERS
Last week, the Peanut and I stopped into our local bodega to buy some lottery tickets. When we got home, I told her to take off her jacket but she refused. Normally I wouldn't really care but I noticed that she was clutching something in her hand and was trying to hide it in her coat pocket. When I pried open her hand, what did I find? A York Peppermint Pattie.
That's right, my daughter committed her first crime! Do you have any idea how fucking embarrassing it is to go into a store, apologize for the fact that your two-year-old hijacked some candy, and then fork over $1.00?
Later, we ran into Michael Imperioli on the street and all I could think about was Peanut growing up to be the first Asian female member of an Italian mob family from Jersey.
SING THE SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE SINGS IT
Whereas the BossLady sings like an angel sent from the heavens, I sound more like a hippo passing a kidney stone. Unfortunately, I have no sense of shame so if you ever want to hear the African mammalian version of Morrissey's "Suedehead," feel free to join us the next time we go out for karaoke.
Anyway, when the Peanut was born, I loved making up ridiculously silly songs for her. Past hit singles have included, "Santa Said Eat Your Peas," "$18.00 Sneakers and You Got No Job?" and "Please, Please, Please, Go to Bed!"
Apparently, the gift of making up stupid songs is passed on genetically because lately the Peanut has been on a composing tear. Her latest release is called "Cake, Cake, Cake. I Like Cake." She'll literally walk around the apartment singing it to herself all day long. She's also a big fan of mash-ups. Yesterday, she sang us a song called, "Happy Birthday, Old MacDonald!." Today it was "Row, Row, Row, Your Jingle Bells."
God damn, I love this little girl!
SHE CAN EAT (OUT) GIRLS LIKE NORAH JONES FOR LUNCH
Speaking of music, one of the things rocking my world these days is all the original and exciting new music being released by acts like the Raconteurs, Arcade Fire, Ghostface Killah, and Fallout Boy. Now, thanks to MetroBro, I've got a new ipod crush and her name is Amy Winehouse, a white, 22-year-old bad-ass British soul singer who comes across like the illegitimate love child of Sid Vicious and Aretha Franklin. Her new CD is being released in the U.S. this week so if you want to hear some funky gospel vocals laid out over modern beats, check it out.
Aside from her songwriting talents, Ms. Winehouse seems to be that rare creature who has an utter lack of pretension and an awesome penchant for shooting off her mouth. The following is from her wikipedia page...
- At the age of 10, Winehouse founded a short-lived amateur rap group called Sweet 'n' Sour. She described the group as "the little white Jewish Salt 'n' Pepa.
- When asked about all her "old school" tattoos of naked women, she said, “I like pin-up girls. I’m more of a boy than a girl. I’m not a lesbian, though — at least not before a couple of sambucas anyway."
- And finally, once when Bono was accepting a music award and started talking about Africa again, Amy famously yelled out, 'Shut up! I don't give a fuck!' When pressed for comment, Amy replied, "What can I say? I'm a dickhead when I'm drunk."
WHY I FOOKIN' LOVE THE IRISH
Speaking of Bono (and the fact that this is the 20th anniversary of "Joshua Tree,") here's a funny U2 story told to me by my friend Xiobhan...
Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow when he asks the audience for some quiet.
Then in the deafening silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total captivity, he says softly and seriously into the microphone …
“Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies……”
Suddenly, from the front row of the venue and breaking the total silence, a voice yells out in a drunk Scottish brogue...
“Well, for fuck's sake, stop fookin doin’ it then!”
THE SHAMROCK SHAKE MAYBE BUT NO WAY IT'S BETTER THAN THE FRIES
Normally, I deplore reading posts about the various google searches that lead people to one's blog. Since I'm an inherently lazy writer, I'm afraid if I start doing things like that I'll never write an original thought again. However, I'm going to make an exception to that self-imposed rule because I'm very proud to announce that I'm the #5 hit for the following google search phrase...
"My 7 year old says my breast milk tastes better than McDonalds."
Disturbing on so many different levels, isn't it?
While I'm at it, I'd like to state that I'm also extremely proud of the fact that several people seem to have found this site by googling, "I like cool dads who wear leather pants and like to drink breast milk." Get your freak on, people! I guess it's true. One woman's fetish is another woman's fantasy!
YES, BUT ONE MAN'S GARBAGE IS ANOTHER GIRL'S TREASURE
The old line about children throwing away presents and playing with the packaging is almost so axiomatic that it has devolved into cliché. But as the wise philosopher Yogi Berra once said, "you can observe a lot by just watching." And by watching the Peanut, it's clear that spending any money on toys for her is an exercise in futility.
In no particular order, here are her top 5 favorite toys right now:
1. Empty juice bottles
2. MetroDog's chew toy
3. The humidifier
4. My smelly socks
5. BossLady's bra*
*I told Peanut that the bra was a hat so naturally she puts
it on her head like a yarmulke. She looks like a drunk midget stripper
at a bar mitzvah.
HE SHOOTS! HE SCORES!
My friend Andrew sent me this game. Maybe it's a guy thing but this simple game is so absurdly addictive that I'm thinking about setting up a pro tour so I can play it for a living. Give it a try sometime when you're bored at work. But don't say I didn't warn you.
THE McDLT: HOT SIDE HOT, COOL SIDE COOL
I just read this article about married couples redoing their houses so they could sleep in separate bedrooms. Personally, I'd never do this in a million years but I understand the logic. In fact, BossLady and I joke about it all the time.
See, I sleep totally nude with 4 pillows, no blanket, and a reading light attached to my head that makes me look like a yuppie coal miner. On the other hand, BossLady sleeps in polar fleece sweats underneath an enormous down comforter, wearing a black-out mask that makes her look like the Lone Ranger. I swear, if it were up to me, we'd keep the thermostat at 65 degrees.
Either she's exothermic or I'm the first virile Asian-American man to experience menopause. Anyone else have this problem?
FIVE ROCKING OUTFITS IN METRODAD HISTORY
Being in the fashion industry, almost every day I hear people say,
"eventually, everything comes back in style!" Now, I like to think
that I have an innate sense of style but I have to admit that lately my
clothes have been boring me. Maybe that comes with being 38 years
old. Or maybe clothing was much more interesting when I was teenager.
Anyway, thinking back on some of my past outfits, here are 5 items that
I wish I still had.
1. Missing Persons concert t-shirt
2. Matching tweed hat, blazer and pants
3. Navy blue sailor suit
4. Purple parachute pants
5. Leopard bathing trunks (check it!)
THE YELLOW DONNELLYS
You may not know this but Koreans and the Irish share a special affinity. More often than not, people call us the "Irish of the East." We're both hard-working people with chips on our shoulders and a reputation for being tough, mean, chain-smoking drunks. We love boozing, singing, and getting into fights (preferably all on the same night.) Our people share a history of oppression from neighboring countries and have a homeland still divided by politics and rage. We'd kill or die for our families. And nobody eats more fucking cabbage than we do.
So it was with great interest that I looked forward to watching the new NBC show, "The Black Donnellys." Directed and written by the brilliant Paul Haggis, the show follows four young Irish-American brothers in NYC's Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood and their involvement with organized crime. But mainly, it's a story about family, loyalty, and sacrifice.
So far, only three episodes have aired but I have to say I'm hooked. While it's clearly the network answer to "The Sopranos," there are at least 5 times during every episode where you have that "no fucking way did they do that!" moment. Unfortunately, none of the characters are redeemingly likable enough so I'm pegging the show's chances of survival around 50/50. At a time when "Dancing With The Stars" seems to be the lowest common denominator (with the highest ratings,) I'm hoping that "The Black Donnellys" gets a chance to find the audience it needs in order to survive.
Like "Friday Night Lights" or "Studio 60," this is a show that may be too smart for the average TV viewer. So far, critics have not been overly enthusiastic about the show. And I have to admit that part of the criticism might be well deserved. In many ways, the show's depiction of NYC's Irish culture is done in a way that could only be imagined by a bunch of sun-tanned writers working in West Los Angeles. But at the same time, it's far better than 99% of the rest of the shit on network television.
So, for the sake of my Irish brothers, give it a fookin chance, eh?
Where are you at in Colorado? I miss the mountains. Sowboarding out in the Windy City sucks ass.
Have you run into the Snow gongju's yet? They are always on snowboards, and they wear little Prada backpacks, with a cigarette in one hand. Lit. The whole way down blue runs.
Posted by: Mikeymike | March 13, 2007 at 10:39 AM
We really need to something about the cooking too. Our 5-year-old now greets some of the delivery guys by their first name!
Posted by: Jessica | March 13, 2007 at 10:49 AM
At least you REMEMBER to order dinner. We forget to feed our daughter. I know any day now, family services is going to show up and take her away from us and we'll end up in jail for neglect. One night, Greg and I were just sitting around talking about our day, etc. About an hour later, we were still yacking and we suddenly became aware of a lot of racket going on in the kitchen. Greg hollers to our daughter, "What are you doing Emma?" She stuck her head out of the kitchen and with the most disgusted look on her face said, (in her best, newly acquired southern accent that she got from living here in god-forsaken Georgia), "Fixin' myself some dinner!" We looked at the time. It was almost 8:00.
Oh, and I wear sweats WITH socks to bed and cover-up with a thick comforter all year round - in the south. Greg sleeps in his underwear with no blanket.
Posted by: Rachel E. | March 13, 2007 at 10:54 AM
I love the menopausal Asian man thing, hilarious! And a book light on your head, priceless.
Posted by: Jen | March 13, 2007 at 10:55 AM
You're fookin' funny, Metro Dad.
Posted by: metro mama | March 13, 2007 at 11:14 AM
The Washington Post had a great profile of Amy Winehouse a month or so ago.
Posted by: merseydotes | March 13, 2007 at 11:16 AM
Dude, that game is seriously addictive. Been playing it for the last 20 minutes. Can't stop. Send help!
Posted by: Brent | March 13, 2007 at 11:29 AM
I'm hooked on The Black Donnellys also, MD. Part of it has to do with my lifelong crush on Irish boys but the show really is well done. I had no idea it was done by Paul Haggis. I hope it survives!
Posted by: leora | March 13, 2007 at 11:45 AM
Dude, My Name is Earl is too smart for the average viewer.
I've been digging Amy Winehouse also. I hadn't heard any of her quotes- that's some funny stuff.
I thought the Rocky Mountains would be...rockier. That John Denver is full of shit.- Dumb (or possibly Dumber) Have fun skiing!
Posted by: whit | March 13, 2007 at 12:12 PM
John Denver is a saint!! Hush your mouth!
Posted by: Mikeymike | March 13, 2007 at 12:25 PM
We've got the hot side, cold side problem, too, except I wear the headlamp along with all the fleece, so I'm the one who read the same article. And I say the hell with it. Why would I marry someone just to stick him over on the other side of the house?
ps - I make him keep his undies on unless it's time for lovin. There are too many penises flopping around this house.
Posted by: Anne Glamore | March 13, 2007 at 12:28 PM
Thanks for the game link.
I think you should post your best score so we all have some gold standard for dog-fucking to work towards.
Posted by: SciFi Dad | March 13, 2007 at 12:36 PM
I love these chaotic posts! Lots I could respond to -- but I'll leave that for now. Have a wonderful time in Colorado!
Posted by: Donna | March 13, 2007 at 12:47 PM
And that, in a nutshell, is why the Irish love the Koreans. It's all the feckin' cabbage. Fookin' is for the Scots.
You're learning how to cook? I promise, no Bonanza jokes -- I'm hoping, with your vast knowledge of TV, you'll get that inference - and not be offended.
Missing Persons, huh? I sat next to Dale Bozzio at a Duran Duran show when Warren Cuccurullo was still with DD. Very friendly, but not the same waifish girl we knew back in the Destination Unknown days. It also made me realize how old I was.
Posted by: Mr. Big Dubya | March 13, 2007 at 12:47 PM
SciFi Dad..personal best is 11 in a row but my buddy Andrew got 13.
Big Dubs...is it any wonder why I fookin' love you? Only early 80's geeks like us even know who Warren Cuccurullo is. Duran Duran forever, man!
FYI...hearing so many people in China sing "Take me home, country roads" at karaoke has ruined John Denver for me. Besides, the only work of his that I ever really liked is when he'd guest star on the Muppet Show.
Posted by: MetroDad | March 13, 2007 at 01:11 PM
The sleeping description, yeah, I can relate. My husband is Furnace Man and I used to wear enough thermal gear to bed that I could be a test subject for arctic expedition gear.
What has helped is we discovered a company that makes comforters you can buy in two different fills so my husband's side of the bed is at a "1" and mine is at a "4". I think it's called a "Dual Warmth" or something similar and we got it at Cuddledown. They are essentially two oversized single comforters that hook together. It is brilliant!
Posted by: Devra Renner | March 13, 2007 at 02:01 PM
Thanks for brightening up my day, MD! I love these posts. Have a great time in Colorado. I'm jealous.
Posted by: Nancy | March 13, 2007 at 02:24 PM
Apparently Peanut loves to live dangerously -- humidifer? your socks?
What a dare devil. :)
Posted by: Kristen | March 13, 2007 at 02:33 PM
I love Amy Winehouse, she had her album on iTunes for a while now (on iTunes Canada anyways) and it is nice to get something a little different to listen to.
Have you tried The Fratellis yet? Pretty damn good import as well.
Posted by: Sleepynita | March 13, 2007 at 02:46 PM
great, now i have a new obsession. why am i so excited when i make a basket with the hardest wind setting?
Posted by: talda | March 13, 2007 at 03:16 PM
That Bono story is too funny... it makes a great cocktail party joke, doesn't it? I have to admit, whenever I open the microwave door, LN runs in the kitchen and says, "Mommy's making dinner for [LN]!" Need to take a cooking class.
Someday, when I allow PN to drag us on a ski trip, I'll be the one snuggling with a book and a hot drink in the chalet... of course, after a few drinks, I suppose I'd be the crazy Korean ajumma snowboarding on a ski. Have fun, Metrofamily!
Don't tell me Studio 60 has been nixed?!? I watched 2 episodes of BD - missed last night's. I liked the pilot better than the 2nd one... you're right, I wasn't too thrilled about the characters... I really didn't care for the narrator, Joey Ice Cream.
So... if you had a cruch on Duran Duran (all of them), does that mean you're old? Not that I'd know any Duran Duran members...
Posted by: Mama Nabi | March 13, 2007 at 03:43 PM
How the heck do you catch up on your reading while vacationing with a two year old? I really want to know, because my daughter won't let me read for more than 30 seconds.
Posted by: mamatype | March 13, 2007 at 03:51 PM
"Throw Paper" = hate you
Posted by: Busy Mom | March 13, 2007 at 04:03 PM
The story about Bono is fookin hilarious! Funniest thing I've heard in a loooooong time. Thanks, MD!
Posted by: Jillian | March 13, 2007 at 04:40 PM
Mmm the U2 story has the ring of an urban legend, funny nonetheless. Enjoy your holiday, can we have your book list?
Posted by: Alan | March 13, 2007 at 04:55 PM
Since you asked, we have the hot/cold problem too. The wife wants flannel sheets and an electric blanket under two comforters; I sweat under one blanket.
Black Donnellys is pretty good...but I'm afraid to get too attached. The Bono joke was great...I hadn't heard that one.
Posted by: Clare's Dad | March 13, 2007 at 05:23 PM
Nothing much to say...
Black Donellys is okay. I'm not loving it yet, but willing to give it a chance.
Amy Winehouse on the other hand... I've been loving Amy Winehouse since I've taken to listening to BBC Radio One's Live Chart Show on Sunday afternoons... she rocks!
Posted by: Tawnya | March 13, 2007 at 09:39 PM
Love Peanut's mashups. In this musical household, I got treated to "A, B, C, D, Piece of Cheese" by Eng this morning.
Posted by: JJ Daddy Baby Momma | March 13, 2007 at 10:11 PM
If DH had his way, he'd keep the thermostat somewhere around freezing. I swear the guy is trying to freeze me out!
Posted by: Macie | March 13, 2007 at 11:05 PM
If DH had his way, he'd keep the thermostat somewhere around freezing. I swear the guy is trying to freeze me out!
Posted by: Macie | March 13, 2007 at 11:10 PM
I'm dizzy from all that chaos...and that game! Maybe I can start the women's pro tour.
Posted by: MammaLoves | March 13, 2007 at 11:32 PM
on how people find your site...
I checked my counter...
someone found my blog, an obviously mommy blog, from the blogger navbar
and then searched it for porn and sex. truly disturbing...
Posted by: navi | March 14, 2007 at 12:42 AM
I'll have the welcome sign out for you at DIA and have them groom the trails...though, as far as I'm concerned, it's golf season now.
Of course, if you are flying straight to the mountains, you'll miss the welcome sign.
Posted by: Mitch McDad | March 14, 2007 at 01:16 AM
As always, you amuse me.
Posted by: William | March 14, 2007 at 08:01 AM
That is how we sleep. EVERY NIGHT. Lone Ranger, eh? I never quite realized I was looking that sexy to my husband...
Posted by: Stephanie | March 14, 2007 at 01:02 PM
Parachute pants, nooooooooo!
On another note: 4. The best I can do us 4. Damn that fan!!
Posted by: LionAndMagicBoy | March 14, 2007 at 01:50 PM
God, I miss McDLT's! I'm glad someone else remembers them.
Yes, same problem here--I'm the cold side, DH is the hot side. He keeps turning the thermostat down to about 65, I keep turning it up to about 70 (I'd like to set it to 73).
Peanut's a riot :)
Can't wait to hear about the cooking classes.
Posted by: momto3cubs | March 14, 2007 at 02:37 PM
I like Peanut's songs. Substitute 'coffee' for 'cake' and she's got a hit in my book.
And isn't 'Row Your Jingle Bells' from a Traci Lords movie?
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | March 14, 2007 at 06:13 PM
no joking here... the first thing that i stole as a little kid was also a york peppermint patty... good stuff!
Posted by: tpon | March 14, 2007 at 08:58 PM
Dude I was working on my post for Ricedaddies on St. Patricks day about Koreans as the Irish of Asia. Hmmm too strange.
Posted by: henri | March 15, 2007 at 02:23 AM
Well, Fook! Dude, this edition of chaos theory was top-notch (based on the number of times I laughed out loud). The U2 story (thanks to Xdm) was particularly snort worthy (and by snort I mean soda came out my nose). And my husband also likes to show my daughter how to put my bra on her head....must be a dad thing ;). Have fun in Colorado and kick that mountain's ass, will ya?
Posted by: birdgal | March 15, 2007 at 01:52 PM
Holy crap! Andrew is satan! My first game I scored 15...must...not...go...back...gaaaaah!
You are a riot, MD. I have a niece who is 4. Her mother wanted a little doll to dress in pink and ruffles, and (thank God) Mia's one Southern Belle who's having none of it! They are amazing little creatures, n'est pas?
Posted by: MacSmith | March 15, 2007 at 01:57 PM
www.snopes.com/music/artists/bono.asp
Posted by: Urban Legend | March 15, 2007 at 04:24 PM
Dude.
"Naked Coal Miner?"
I think someone just came up with his next Halloween costume!
Posted by: Velma | March 15, 2007 at 07:24 PM
Are you sure The Peanut didn't just cop that peppermint patty as part of her protection racket? Maybe the bodega is paying her off so they don't get jacked up by her and her preschool pals.
She's already got a good nickname, that's about 20% of being a gangster right there.
And I can't wait to hear her mash-up of "Wheels on the Bus" and "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangster":
Damn it feels good to be a gangsta, Feedin the poor and hepin out wit they bills
Although I was born in St Vincent's, Now I'm in Tribeca makin deals.
Ridin around town in a drop-top bugaboo, Hittin switches in my black six-fo, the driver of this bus says "move yo' ass back", cause that's how the wheels of this bus roll.
Posted by: JJ Daddy-O | March 15, 2007 at 11:10 PM
Only you could fit in a shamrock shake reference, MD. I LOVE these chaos theory posts. Hope you're having a great vacation on the slopes!
Posted by: Leila | March 16, 2007 at 12:39 AM
Are you guys in Vail? I saw a really gorgeous and stylish Asian couple today with a little girl and I thought to myself...could that be Metrodad, Bosslady and the Peanut?
Posted by: Suzy | March 16, 2007 at 12:43 AM
On the slopes — snowboarding, etc. LUCKY!!! Have fun. :)
Yeah, my cousin had a problem with the cooking thing. Everything was take-out. She had a huge stack of take-out menus which she affectionately referred to as her "recipes." When they moved from the city to the 'burbs, I think she finally learned to cook because the restaurants in the strip malls just didn't have as good "recipes" as city restaurants had.
Posted by: KG | March 16, 2007 at 09:29 PM
Hah! My husband just signed up for cooking lessons too. Guess he was sick of both my bad cooking or our dependence on local restaurants that deliver.
Posted by: Jane | March 17, 2007 at 12:04 AM
It's posts like this that keep me coming back for more, MD. Have fun skiing and snowboarding. I'm jealous!
Posted by: Lira | March 17, 2007 at 12:12 AM