In my relatively brief history as a father, I've found that parent-to-parent conversations tend to take two different courses.
On the one hand, you have the mushy unsolicited advice-givers who tend to drop pearls of wisdom like pigeon droppings. These are the parents who tend to speak in vague aphorisms and love saying things like, "Isn't your life finally complete and wonderful now that you're a parent?" or "I barely remember what life was like before I had children!" I constantly find it amazing to see how many parents apparently had NO LIFE before they had kids.
But even more annoying are the competi-parents. These are the ones who view every conversation as an opportunity to boast about their own child's development. Does your baby count to 10? Really? In how many languages? Oh, that's cute. Billy is learning Mandarin now, plays the piano, and is a black belt in karate.
With these parents, I just like to end the conversation by saying, "Really? Yesterday, my kid painted the walls with her own shit, ate my chewing tobacco, and then farted on the dog. Can YOUR child do that?"
Now, don't get me wrong. Although I generally dislike discussing developmental milestones, I LOVE talking to other parents about their kids. As the ancient Chinese proverb says, "life consists of the small things." And I often find that it's the small things that crack my ass up.
What I really love hearing are the everyday stories that parents tell about their children. I especially love reading about kids who are slightly older than the Peanut. It's like getting a glimpse of what awaits me in the future. Not the cognitive development bullshit but the fun stuff. The small things in a child's development that crack you up. Or the funny shit that comes out of their mouths and puts a smile on your face.
As I've mentioned before, this internet thing is weird. In a strange but comforting way, I feel invested in reading about all these children of parents that I hardly know. I love hearing that Robert wants to start a band that only performs "Life is a Highway." I think it's hysterical that Elijah is putting socks on his penis. Or what about the nipple conversations that Kristen and Mimi are having with their daughters? I can barely keep track of all the kid stories I read on the internet.
Right now, the Peanut is a little over two-years old and every single day is non-stop comedy. I guess there are parents of newborns who like coming here just to see what they can expect in the future. So, in the interest of "paying it forward," here are just a few small things that those of you with younger children can expect after your child turns two.
The following takes place during the course of a single day...
(1) Your child's memory will amaze you. Things you said months ago when she was a little infant will now come back to haunt you. For example, this morning, you will be speaking to a matronly woman in the lobby of your building and her shoe will squeak on the rubber mat. Your innocent little child (who has been shyly clinging to your leg in total silence for 10 minutes) will suddenly look up alertly and yell, "WHO FART, DADDY?"
(2) Your child will be in the midst of being toilet trained. On a good
day, she will go to the bathroom by herself and poop. The clean-up
part? Eh...not so good. Today, you will wake up by
having your daughter open the door to your bedroom and crawl into your bed. She will plant a kiss on your
cheek and demand that you wake up so the two of you can have cereal together. You will look up to realize that she is not wearing any diapers. When you ask her where her diaper is, she will reach underneath your 600-count Frette comforter, pull out a very loaded diaper, and proclaim, "Right HERE, daddy!"
(3) That afternoon, you will be changing your daughter's diaper. Her stool will have a very gelatinous texture to it. In fact, if you look closely, you will find some slightly pink mucilage. When you show your daughter the diaper and ask what the hell that is, she will smile toothily at you and cheerfully pronounce, "I eat GUM, daddy!"
(4) Around this time, your child will mimic everything that you do. As she will constantly tell you, she's "a big girl now" and no longer wants to be treated like a baby. This insistent behavior will manifest itself in many ways. Today, you notice that she has a slight fever and must be kept out of daycare. Because you have no other alternative, she will come to your office during the day. She will see you working and, because you are busy, you will end up eating lunch at your desk. Later that night, she will disappear from sight, only to grab the telephone from your bedroom and rearrange all the furniture in the apartment so that she too can eat at her desk...
And you will laugh...
Because once again, your daughter will prove that life's daily small moments are the ones that you cherish the most.
The mimicry is both funny and frightening. My father was visiting; within 10 minutes of his arrival, my gal had his cross-legged leaning stance down. This week I swerved to avoid hitting a pedestrian and yelled an obsenity, only to be echoed from teh back seat, gleefully and repeatedly.
Posted by: nonlineargirl | February 28, 2007 at 12:53 AM
I barely remember when I didn't talk about poop every day. Oh, and my son makes a mean farting noise with his throat. Can your child do THAT?
Posted by: Matthew | February 28, 2007 at 01:19 AM
So true. I'm glad I'm recording these moments. Jane makes me laugh every day.
Posted by: metro mama | February 28, 2007 at 06:51 AM
Well said.
One of the first "imagination" games our daughter played was "sending email", where she would bang on an old keyboard we had lying around.
Unfortunately, now she makes us laugh by publicly discussing whether certain people have a penith (sic) or a vagina.
Posted by: SciFi Dad | February 28, 2007 at 06:54 AM
With a face like that, she can use her loaded diaper as a telephone and get away with it. Love how she's looking pensively into the distance. ADORABLE.
Posted by: halfmama | February 28, 2007 at 07:37 AM
Was the pulling the diaper out from the comforter mimmicking?
Posted by: William | February 28, 2007 at 08:24 AM
One of the things I cherish more than many other memories are the times my kids were sick and came to work with me. They loved work. It was a non-stop lark for them. The computers, all those cubicles to explore, all those people to talk to, all those meetings to attend with very good food. And the vending machines! The candy jars! The toys on people's desks! What kid wouldn't love going to work when it is just so much FUN!
Peanut gets cuter and cuter. She will be a heartbreaker by 12 and you will have to lock her up in a convent to keep the slobbering boys off her. Good luck with that!
Posted by: margalit | February 28, 2007 at 09:11 AM
Aw, Peanut's so cute as a little executive. And ah yes, the little things. My Sweet Pea learned that his finger can fit quite nicely in his nostril recently. The look on his face was pretty interesting. You could see the joyful revelation in his face as his eyes lit up and his mouth did the, look-what-I -can-do smile. My daughter on the other hand, is learning to punctuate the recitation of anything with a fart joke.
Posted by: honglien123 | February 28, 2007 at 09:23 AM
And she will pee on the floor when you put her in time out to spite you...
Good times, my friend. Good. times.
Posted by: Kristen | February 28, 2007 at 10:01 AM
Oh, yes. My daughter talks exactly like me now. ESPECIALLY when we're in the car. Just the other day, I shouted "GO!" to a woman who was not paying attention to the signal because she was talking on her cell phone and my 2 year old followed up "YEAH, YOU STUPID DUMBASS."
It was in that moment that I vowed to started "watching my mouth" around her.
Posted by: Y | February 28, 2007 at 10:23 AM
Life with kids is a never-ending comedy. That is, if you choose to notice all the funny situations.
Posted by: verbalAffair | February 28, 2007 at 10:25 AM
You're so right, MD. I think part of the reason that I love reading so many parenting blogs is because I can't wait to hear what awaits me in the future. Also, I never get sick of reading about cute kid stories!
Posted by: jane j. | February 28, 2007 at 10:39 AM
It's amazing what random things they notice, but what I find even more amazing is how as a parent, you start to develop a sense of how their thought processes work and can figure out whatever they are doing/saying even when it seems totally random.
My kids spent a few nights up at their grandparents' house last week, and as I was talking to my MIL, she informed me that my SIL had just gone to the store to buy tomato soup for my son. Immediately, I knew what would happen. They would make the soup for him, and he would react as if they had set a bowl of worms in front of him. Know why? Because when he says "tomato soup," he is actually talking about string cheese. Follow his logic: he saw a commercial for chicken noodle soup, pulled a piece of cheese apart and saw the resemblance to noodles, saw some other commercial with grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, ergo: string cheese = tomato soup.
He doesn't actually eat soup. He just talks about soup.
Posted by: Velma | February 28, 2007 at 10:43 AM
It's why I spend my working hours filtering through all of the blogs that I visit daily...I love those everyday stories of what other children are doing. And, by the way, if you didn't already know, your little Peanut is a doll.
Posted by: Momma Bean | February 28, 2007 at 11:16 AM
I don't think I've ever been so proud as yesterday when Porter (8) grabbed one of the presents I received for my 40th and showed that he knows how to use it like Mama does.
Seeing a second grader prance around in a white satin thong that says "I'm 40 and I'm STILL hot" warms the heart like little else.
I wish the same joy for you, MD.
Posted by: Anne Glamore | February 28, 2007 at 12:04 PM
office kids crack me up - my daughter is a multi-tasking machine when she's at my office - typing, scribbling notes on post-its, im-ing with my friends. it's uncanny...
i've even seen her walking around with her head cocked to her shoulder pretending to talk on the phone.
2 is cute.
Posted by: eliaday | February 28, 2007 at 12:14 PM
So cute. Love the "work face" Peanut's sporting. You can just see those wheels spinning:
"Hmmm...I wonder if I need to move up Daddy's performance review..."
Posted by: Mike | February 28, 2007 at 12:56 PM
She just gets more beautiful everyday. I can't stand the "my kid can do this better than your idiot child" conversations. Although, Nata told a boy at daycare yesterday to "open the fuckin door now", when he was not letting her inside. I should be pissed, but hell, she used it correctly and in the right moment.
So, can Peanut top that? ;)
Posted by: Issa | February 28, 2007 at 12:59 PM
I remember when my kids were Peanut's age. The whole "having a conversation with my kids" was amazing to me. So much fun. All I wanted to do was talk with them. Wait until Peanut turns 3, MD. That's a great age! I guarantee you'll love it.
Posted by: leora | February 28, 2007 at 01:26 PM
After cooking my 2.5 year old daughter an elaborate meal of chicken fingers and spaghetti, I leaned over the table to grab a bite. She smacked my hand and yelled, "beat it, daddy!" I have no idea where she learned that but it cracked me up.
Posted by: brian | February 28, 2007 at 01:28 PM
After a grueling morning with our 3 week old, it was nice to read this and remember there is so much more to come. Thanks, MD.
Posted by: BookGirl | February 28, 2007 at 01:36 PM
Poopy diapers in my bed? Definitely NOT looking forward to that, but thanks for the heads up!
NtycnBoricua - Mami Dearest
Posted by: NtycnBoricua | February 28, 2007 at 02:06 PM
You are so right! I think the husband is most upset by the small little things I relate to him that happen during the day ... he hates missing them and insists that if the Brat learns a new word or does something new, I call him up in office and let him hear it immediately. on a separate notes, may i have your views on this?
http://themadmomma.blogspot.com/2007/03/we-are-pregnant.html
Posted by: the mad momma | February 28, 2007 at 03:11 PM
The Peanut is just too cute. I love this blog just for your funny retelling of Peanutisms.
Posted by: Gayle | February 28, 2007 at 03:57 PM
Your blog makes me want to have kids. I love hearing these stories.
Posted by: Single in Seattle | February 28, 2007 at 04:00 PM
This post and all the comments gave me a great laugh! My son isn't still quite as verbal as other kids his age but he's unique in his expressions of love. He's sees no problem with pinning another child to the ground to "hug" them, including older kids. Unfortunately, me and the other parents usually start laughing instead of rescuing the poor child in question. Way to enforce his behavior, huh?
Posted by: the weirdgirl | February 28, 2007 at 05:30 PM
The Peanut just keeps getting cuter - and funnier!
It is freaky scary what these kids will remember. Ane told me that she "needed" chocolate the other day. When I said, "Oh, really," she replied, "Yes - it's in the Constitution."
Crap - guess we better not talk about government or civics anymore until she's actually IN school...
Posted by: Deanna | February 28, 2007 at 05:59 PM
I love the small things. LA Toddler was sitting in bed with me this morning, watching Sesame Street (doesn't Grover go to any other countries any more?!) and eating dry cereal. I always dress her and after I was done, I was going to move her over to Mommy's pillow. But didn't want that.
She wanted to lean back against me and just eat. That leaning against me was the greatest feeling in the world. An earthquake couldn't have knocked me over at that point.
Posted by: L.A. Daddy | February 28, 2007 at 07:38 PM
Great post, MD.
It takes me back to when mine were that young and all of the laughter they provided. Now that they're older, they are less funny and more complicated than they were when they were younger. So, enjoy every minute and take lots of pictures and video so that you can reminisce with ease.
Posted by: LeeMarvin | February 28, 2007 at 08:17 PM
Oh, yea...the Peanut is soo cute. Looks like her momma, eh?
Posted by: LeeMarvin | February 28, 2007 at 08:18 PM
Aaaawwwww. That's totally cute.
Posted by: JJ Daddy's Baby Momma | February 28, 2007 at 09:51 PM
Thanks for all the stories. Jeffrey just turned one and we're so excited because Jeffrey can say "uh oh" and know what it means. I love the crafty look he gets when he drops something on the floor for me to pick up. I can't wait for the future stuff!
Posted by: Danielle | February 28, 2007 at 10:03 PM
This cracked me up.
Posted by: KC | February 28, 2007 at 10:13 PM
Oh the gum! The humanity! I've seen that diaper, and I feel your pain, brother.
The Peanut? Too cute!
Posted by: landismom | February 28, 2007 at 10:37 PM
LOL, great post.
And that's why I taught my kids to say "toot" instead of "fart"--it's a little more bearable in public, such as during a church service.
I have so many code words for things, but it has saved me a lot of embarrassment.
Posted by: momto3cubs | February 28, 2007 at 11:02 PM
Ah yes, the memories. I seem to remember my child relaying to various strangers that we used to live in a red house and she made her daddies pants itchy. My husband made the mistake of telling the kid as we drove by our old house that we lived there "before she was even an itch in his pants". That taught him. Try explaining the back story without it looking like someone should call CPS.
Posted by: Jennifer | February 28, 2007 at 11:51 PM
Can I gobble her up? Please?
Actually my husband is in Manhattan until Friday so I may just have him swing by and snatch her and bring her home.
Hope ya don't mind!
Posted by: samantha Jo Campen | March 01, 2007 at 12:00 AM
freakin' adorable, dude.
Posted by: Jonathon | March 01, 2007 at 01:50 AM
Oh yeah? Well MY kid farted on the goldfish. TWICE.
Posted by: sweatpantsmom | March 01, 2007 at 03:05 AM
I was thinking about hiring an intern this summer. Do you think she'd be interested? It's never too early to start.
Posted by: David | March 01, 2007 at 04:15 AM
You are so right about the comedy.Listening to a 2 or 3 year old talk beats anything on t.v.
Someday when you are old (like 44)you will think back to all the funny stuff she said and it will break your heart ,how much you miss that little girl.
Once when one of my son's was about two we were in the grocery store, he was in the cart and an elderly woman walks by right as he lets a big ole fart rip.
Mortified, I leaned down and quietly told my son "You're supposed to say excuse me."
he looked confused for a moment ,then blurts out in his LOUD 2 year old voice
"I have to say excuse me to my OWN butt?"
Twenty years later.....man I miss that loud little shit.
Posted by: Half old girl | March 01, 2007 at 08:20 AM
this is the age where we keep looking at each other and saying- that is so awesome! she is doing such cool things we never would have imagined as we muddled through those first 10 months or so- the walking, the talking, the making a snowman and calling frosty "robsie"- oh god it's so cute i almost can't stand it!
i can't believe your job lets you bring peanut in- that so would have never been an option for me. she is so cute! i love it!
Posted by: pnuts mama | March 01, 2007 at 08:53 AM
The Peanut is soooo cute, MD. I can totally see how she has you wrapped around your little finger! She's going to be a heartbreaker someday.
Posted by: J. Chung | March 01, 2007 at 12:07 PM
Love the look. The far-away look, so deep in thought. Phone right near by. Cute!
Both extremes of those parenting conversations freak me out. I usually just smile, nod, then walk away — in response to BOTH groups. Why? 'Cuz those conversations are ALL ABOUT THEM. I prefer conversations when all parties involved actually care to really listen to each other!
Posted by: KG | March 02, 2007 at 12:10 AM
too cute!
Posted by: jen | March 02, 2007 at 12:12 PM
Ack! The Peanut is so damn cute, I think my uterus just exploded!
Posted by: Mulva! | March 02, 2007 at 12:49 PM
Right now, WonderBaby is saying 'thank you!' to everything. Change her diaper? THANK YOU. Put in Teletubbies DVD? THANK YOU. Point out that she just shat in the tub? THANK YOU.
S'good.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | March 02, 2007 at 09:26 PM
ACK! The phone on the table is cracking me up! The Peanut rocks!
Posted by: Kristen | March 03, 2007 at 09:59 AM
Busted!!
I religiously visit MD just to peek around the corner and see whats coming up next. My little one is 23 months and never fails to crack me up.
The new thing is to shout Pane (sic) over and over at the sight of a plane. We've taken to calling her tatoo. she's getting confused and won't come when called by her given name.
The peanut is adorable....I love when you post photo's of her. This one is a keeper!
Posted by: emi's ma | March 03, 2007 at 02:35 PM
Little girls are the best. And she a really cutie. Is it just me, or does it freak you out thinking about her becoming a teenager. I want to keep mine little for a few decades. And just hope puberty never arrives.
Posted by: Mitch McDad | March 03, 2007 at 11:00 PM