You know how television commercials always show parents waking up by slowly stretching out their arms and luxuriantly getting out of bed while the warm bask of the morning sun envelops them? As they put on their imported Turkish bathrobes and enter their enormous kitchens, they're greeted by the aromatic pleasures of freshly-brewed coffee and some buttery croissants. In the background, you can frequently hear the dulcet sounds of a cooing baby.
Needless to say, BossLady and I don't wake up like that.
These days, we've been waking up to the sounds of a two-year-old girl screaming at the top of her lungs, "Mommy! Daddy! Come 'ere! Come 'ere NOW!"
And the aromatic smell with which we're awakened? Lately, it's the pleasurable aroma of a pile of steaming hot dog shit.
Yeah...just like on TV, man.
I don't know what's gotten into MetroDog lately. Maybe he's getting older. Maybe he's dealing with some personal issues. However, for some reason, he just can't seem to make it through the night anymore. He's only five years old so it's hard to imagine he's getting incontinent. In dog years, he and I are about the same age. Shit, if I can make it through the night, why can't he?
When we first got MetroDog, we had a tough time housebreaking him. It's not like we had a backyard where he could roam around. Learning how to poop on a New York City curb is fucking tough. Cars, fire engines, and dump trucks are rumbling by and dozens of people are watching your every move. For a few months, BossLady and I would take MetroDog out every morning and would end up walking around for hours before he finally pooped.
Finally, a dog trainer suggested that whenever we walked outside the building, we should just insert a paper matchstick up his butt (the dog's butt, not the trainer's.) The act of anally pushing out the match would force the poop out of MetroDog and train him to go in the same location every day.
Man, have you ever tried to stick a match up a dog's butt? It is not fucking easy. The first few times we tried it, the fire kept going out before he would poop.
(Chill out, PETA people. That was a joke!)
Actually, that little Dog Whisperer trick totally ended up working. And to this day, whenever I'm feeling a little constipated, BossLady will just hold up a match stick and start laughing. Yep, works for humans too!
When it comes to the Peanut, BossLady and I are taking a fairly low-key approach to toilet training. Basically, that means we're leaving it up to Sesame Street (as usual.) Between "Elmo's Potty Time" DVD and the "Ernie's Too Big for Diapers" book, we figure we're covered.
The Peanut's only two so we don't want to start pressuring her. However, our low-key approach seems to be having an effect and it appears we're getting her closer to being potty trained. Or at least potty-aware. Just last week, we were chilling out and eating dim sum in Chinatown with a bunch of friends when the Peanut ran up to me, pointed at her butt, and yelled, "POOP, Daddy, POOP! Let's go!"
Unfortunately, her yelling "POOP" didn't mean she was READY to poop but rather that she already HAD pooped. But that's cool. Baby steps, man. Baby steps. That's what I keep telling myself.
One inadvertent and highly entertaining repercussion of toilet training the Peanut is that she is now completely obsessed with
watching both BossLady and I go to the bathroom. It's not like we encourage it but, any time that one of
us enters the bathroom, the Peanut is right there with us. Most
of the time, she just likes to watch us do our business. However,
sometimes if we're sitting on the toilet, she likes to lift one of our cheeks out of the way or spread our legs open so she can peer into
the toilet bowl and get a better view. Not really my cup of tea but what can you do? Kids are natural scientists in certain ways.
You should see how unbelievably happy she becomes whenever she sees a piece of crap in there. It's like Christmas and her birthday wrapped up in one. Her face lights up and she actually squeals with sheer delight. Sometimes if nothing comes out, I almost feel like I'm letting her down. How crazy is that?
But hey---if it makes my lovely daughter happy, I'll push a little harder in the hope that I can at least squeeze out a little turd. We'll do anything for our kids, right?
Anyway I recently decided that, in the grand scheme of toilet training, I'm going to defer all future lessons to the BossLady and start closing the door when I go to the bathroom. I think, in this instance, Daddy's involvement is only confusing the issue.
Why do I say this?
Because yesterday I asked the Peanut if she had to go to the potty. She enthusiastically said, "Yes, Daddy. I go pee-pee!" Bridling with excitement, we both ran to the bathroom, where the Peanut immediately pulled down her pants and tried to pee...standing up!
You know...just when I think I have this parenting thing down pat, something comes up and bites me in the ass. But really, isn't that half the fun of it all?
,
Apparently, someone decided that it’s National Delurking Week. In other words, if you read any blogs regularly but don’t comment on them, now's the time to come out of the woods and say hello. So to all you lurkers, feel free to make your presence known and let me know you're out there.
Normally I'm not a big fan of this group-think blog mentality but I figure as long as nobody uses the word "blogosphere," we're cool.
well, okay, if you insist - I haven't been lurking very long. I found you through Laid Off Dad, where I've lurked a little longer. I'm a new mom (one-year-old boy) and so I'm always curious to see what's ahead in the parenting biz. I think you're hysterical.
Posted by: betsy | January 10, 2007 at 10:03 PM
Happy delurking week.
When my daughter was about 2 she wanted to know why Daddy had a tail.
At 3.5 she is still bummed out that she can't pee standing up.
Posted by: chris | January 10, 2007 at 10:12 PM
Look, if I could get mine to care about peeing in the potty AT ALL I would be thrilled.
Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | January 10, 2007 at 10:14 PM
"Lurking" always sounds like something a weirdo pervert would do, so I usually don't admit to "lurking" on anyone's site...
However, I am new to your site and think you are hilarious. I love reading about parents that recognize we need to have a great sense of humor to get through this parenting gig.
Very well done!
Posted by: Lauren | January 10, 2007 at 10:18 PM
hello. de-lurking here - left coast mother of a 2 year old boy, former new yorker and '86 Mets fan (especially the dreamy ron darling and inexplicably, tobacco chewing lenny dykstra). love your witty, well-written observations. they make my day!
Posted by: Grace | January 10, 2007 at 10:25 PM
Lurking does sound like something a perv would do (I totally agree with Lauren) but I have read a few of your posts and am hooked! So, here I am, out in the open. I exist and I'm not a perverted lurker. I'm a nice one.
Posted by: Judy | January 10, 2007 at 10:26 PM
In honor of National Delurking Week, just wanted to say I love your blog. Your little girl is sooooo cute!
My youngest is 12 now but I remember her potty training days well. She was pretty good about peeing in the toilet but was really, vehemently against pooping in the toilet. One time, when left in the care of her daddy, she was found hiding in her closet where she had pooped in a box - but NOT the potty!
Posted by: Lisa | January 10, 2007 at 10:39 PM
Hey MD... not exactly a lurker (I think we've exchanged email a couple times, even -- I have you in my address book) but I don't comment on your usually hilarious blog posts nearly enough.
Our daughter is two this week... she does the after-the-fact poop announcements still as well, although she's been getting fairly close to being trained, to the point that we even let her get away with hanging around the house without a diaper, sometimes with predictably disastrous results. I think not pushing it is key, though, as you said... all kids have their own speed.
BTW, a woman at a birthday party the other day was making a big deal out of the fact that not only was her daughter potty trained before 2, but she could do it on a normal toilet seat. Yeah, there's something the kid will want to put on her resume someday...
Posted by: cam c. | January 10, 2007 at 10:46 PM
Coming out of the lurking closet. The youngest of my 5 children is six years old so I have been through a lot of what you describe. It is good birth control for me when I get baby fever.
Posted by: Suz | January 10, 2007 at 10:49 PM
OMG! That's too cute!
I have to share this post that I read today that got me in stitches and not to mention peed in my pants, b/c as we all know...pregnant women tend to "leak" a bit while sneezing, coughing or even laugh too loud. Ok, TMI you say. Here it is, enjoy.
http://stevenovak.blogspot.com/2007/01/stink-hand-after-six-years-of-wedded.html
Posted by: Waya | January 10, 2007 at 11:00 PM
regular reader, semi regular commenter. you have a great blog here, MD. and a super cute daughter to boot.
so the matchstick trick, eh? it really works? dude, i totally have to remember that.
Posted by: AlieMalie | January 10, 2007 at 11:04 PM
Hey there - I really enjoy your posts, the Peanut is a doll!
GL with potty training it is both the most frustrating and easiest thing in the world (once they are ready!) :o)
Posted by: Liz | January 10, 2007 at 11:04 PM
A friend and I were discussing when it was time to teach kids privacy and institute a closed bathroom door policy in the house the other day. He said he started his after his 5 year old walked past the bathroom one day and peered in while he was peeing and said, "Wow. Daddy. Your penis is ENORMOUS!" Yeah... it was then.
Posted by: NG | January 10, 2007 at 11:05 PM
De-lurking here. I've been reading you for a few months now, having been pointed in your direction by Jonathan at Flailing My Arms. You both are part of my Daddy-blog fix. :)
I'm a new mom, with my thudding (he is officially 14 pounds) 5 week old son sleeping for the moment on the couch. It's great reading about your adventures with Peanut - gives me some idea of what I might look forward to.
Thank you for the great observations and laughs!
Posted by: Katrina | January 10, 2007 at 11:13 PM
De-lurking here to say I love your blog. Thanks for the many hours of entertainment!
Posted by: Susan | January 10, 2007 at 11:17 PM
Long time reader and commentor, MD! The Peanut is so precious. It's amazing to see her turn into a big girl!
Posted by: Leora | January 10, 2007 at 11:18 PM
Hi, MD - here's a comment in honor of Delurking Week! At least after all of this house training business, you can look forward to teaching the Peanut fun Scrabble words and grammar tidbits, right? There's a light at the end of the tunnel, or so I hear.
Posted by: RA | January 10, 2007 at 11:21 PM
Oh man, your description of waking up to a steaming hot pile of dog crap gave me the belly laugh that I needed before going to bed. Let's hope that Barky doesn't get any ideas from MetroDog tonight.
Posted by: Papa Bradstein | January 10, 2007 at 11:23 PM
Potty training stinks. I'm dreading the day we start training our son.
Posted by: Chag | January 10, 2007 at 11:24 PM
I love to read about your life Reading about your life makes me more anxious to have kids of my own! Good luck on the training. Your peanut is the sweetest!
Posted by: delinda | January 10, 2007 at 11:40 PM
Oh boy... The Bee (our 2-month old) watches us all the time; no matter where we go. I don't know what we'll do when she wants to come hang out in the bathroom. I guess it's only fair she watch us poo considering how fascinated we've become with her fecal achievements. Yeah but anyhoo, I'm a lurker no longer.
Posted by: NickiHem | January 10, 2007 at 11:54 PM
Delurking to say that I'm only a couple months into your archives...had to keep myself busy while you were off in palm-tree land over the holidays. Post more often, dammit! I need those belly laughs. I just about died when I saw Peanut's second Santa picture!!!
Posted by: Sarah Marie | January 10, 2007 at 11:56 PM
I'm so screwed! I've got one of each. I've got double the chances of screwing up.
I'm going to have to stack up on matches.
Posted by: Matthew | January 10, 2007 at 11:58 PM
Delurking here. Having grown up the only male in a houseful of females, I couldn't help notice in the background that YOU left the toilet seat up!
Posted by: Jonathan | January 11, 2007 at 12:03 AM
Heard about your site from a new mom on the east coast. And even though I don't have kids, I think your blog is hilarious, especially this last post. And I share the wealth with my friends. 8) Good luck when you hit the milestone of having to discuss the birds and the bees to your Peanut.
Posted by: Jen | January 11, 2007 at 12:10 AM
National Delurking Week in the blogoshere. Did you just make that up?
My son has the opposite problem. He pees sitting down and asks me why I pee standing up.
Posted by: Daddy Forever | January 11, 2007 at 12:31 AM
I have been reading your blog for a while.
Our daughter is around the same stage with potty training.
Posted by: pwestbro | January 11, 2007 at 12:38 AM
Hello - a friend in Berkeley(who was once convinced you were dating a friend of hers) turned me on to your site and I am pretty hooked. My daughter is 13 now, but I have fond memories of her first awareness of the difference between boys and girls. For a spell there she greeted every person with these questioning words, "Penis? 'gina?" My friend Lisa will forever remain Lisa'Gina. My daughter also spent a day or so with a toy car in her underpants as a pretend penis.
At thirteen she is now horrified by the mention of a penis. She would be mortified if she ever knew I had shared these tidbits. Btw, believe me when I tell you it is not worth the hot wrath of a thirteen-year-old to intentionally embarrass her in public.
Your daughter has a beautiful happy smile. She looks so proud trying to pee standing up!
Posted by: womantalk | January 11, 2007 at 12:42 AM
The low-key approach to potty training is definitely a good thing. We've through it twice, and it's stressful enough without applying any extra pressure. The downside, though, is that it can sometimes drag out a bit. Our son wasn't completely trained until he was four. Someday I'll tell you how much that sucked.
Posted by: ShotgunDaddy | January 11, 2007 at 12:43 AM
MetroDad, you're turning out to be my best contraceptive!
Posted by: iz | January 11, 2007 at 01:05 AM
Since you requested...I'll delurk! Just someone who found you via a link on a Korean Adoptee blog that I like. I am mom to a 4 yo wild and crazy Korean girl. Also a former Manhattanite. Love your blog...it's the only one that makes me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants (and I have no problems with continence normally, unlike MetroDog!).
Hugs to Peanut...she's a cutie!
Posted by: NomadicOne | January 11, 2007 at 01:25 AM
Our daughter just turned two and we've been playing the potty game for a few months now. Most of the turds are ending up in the bright red bowl, hooorah.
I know what you mean about company in the can. I made the mistake of not holding her when I went in the mens room last week on the ferry. She promptly grabbed the side of the urinal trough. I didn't know whether to gag or laugh out loud. I still haven't told her mother...
Posted by: rwc | January 11, 2007 at 02:03 AM
Ah yes, potty training. We tried with our 2-year old triplets and decided that we best wait until summer rolls around, and we can set all three of them free in the backyard and clean them off with the garden hose.
This was my husband's attempt at potty training the three of them just a few weeks ago: http://amazingtrips.blogspot.com/2006/12/beginning-of-end.html
This was my attempt: Just take a look at the pictures ... this is what happens when you *try* closing the door on a toddler who is deadset on seeing you "do-your-thing". http://amazingtrips.blogspot.com/2006/09/to-pee-or-not-to-pee.html
I'm catching up on some of your previous posts and regarding Peanut with Santa, don't feel too bad. We didn't have the best experience, either:
http://amazingtrips.blogspot.com/2006/12/dear-santa.html
Good luck with your dog, no advice there!
Posted by: Jen3 @ amazing trips | January 11, 2007 at 02:10 AM
Hi MD, Absolutely adore ur blog; have been reading it for more than six months now. I am from India and mom to a 2 year old girl. thanks for all the laughs.
Posted by: Adi | January 11, 2007 at 02:25 AM
Love the blog. I found you through www.WhosWhoOfFrenchyKoreans.com I have been quietly reading your blog and have decided to finally post something. Here I go...
wassup mang
Posted by: henri | January 11, 2007 at 02:50 AM
So this is what I have to look forward too, eh? My daughter checking out my poop.
I think I'm going to start scuplting Muppets with my butt cheeks - that'll give her something interesting to stare at and aspire too.
Posted by: creative-type dad | January 11, 2007 at 03:02 AM
Delurking week rules.
Found you through Strollerderby - you guys do a great job over there. Love your writing.
Posted by: Shiri | January 11, 2007 at 03:40 AM
Your daughter sounds fabulous.
Personally I hate "internets" more than blogosphere. Happy delurking week.
Posted by: Courtney | January 11, 2007 at 03:49 AM
Hi, delurking from Edinburgh, Scotland. My situation is the reverse of yours - I am female with two sons. They grasped the fact that they each had a penis and I didn't and kindly offered to buy me one. From the penis shop, in case you wondered.
Posted by: Lynda L | January 11, 2007 at 04:41 AM
Okay, you got me. I'm delurking now. Peanut is supercute. Thanks for keeping me entertained. The Hubby likes to read your blog, too. I doubt he'd delurk, though. :)
Posted by: Superha | January 11, 2007 at 05:40 AM
Delurking to say that although I don't have a peanut of my own yet .... I do enjoy reading about yours! She is such a star!
Posted by: birchsprite | January 11, 2007 at 05:47 AM
Occasional commenter here. We're going through the same "awareness" phase. She will sometimes tell us she wants to use the potty (and will actually urinate if we get her diaper off quick enough) but mostly we're getting the news "after it happened".
Posted by: Jeff | January 11, 2007 at 06:52 AM
delurking here...love your post came over from MoMMY, actually am Grammy to those many male youngsters.....Just reminds me of all the fun I had years earlier.
Posted by: gosmmy | January 11, 2007 at 07:42 AM
Happy De-lurking Week!
Our peanut is just 8 months, so I read your stuff in part for a glimpse of my future. I blog about the past at www.robmacdougall.org.
Posted by: Rob MacD | January 11, 2007 at 07:57 AM
I truly laughed at the fire going out. I never heard of the match stick thing and it is funny and disturbing at the same time.
Posted by: William | January 11, 2007 at 08:09 AM
Fine...I'm delurking!! I LOVE your posts and check daily (sometimes, several times a day!). I always laugh and I thank you for that!!
Posted by: Kellie | January 11, 2007 at 08:10 AM
Semi-regular commentor, MD. I have a child the same age as the Peanut and it's been great reading how your life is mirroring ours. Your writing is hilarious and has definitely gotten me through rough times. Thanks!
Posted by: Melanie | January 11, 2007 at 08:12 AM
Love reading your blog. I've got a 2 and a 4, both estrogen types. It's unbelievably cool to be a dad. Rachie, my youngest is just starting into potty training. We're breaking out all our potty media again. Her older sister, also adopted from China, was actually potty trained when we got her at 10 mos. Really kind of sad. She was very fearful when she peed in her diaper so we quickly undid the potty training and actually praised her when she had those inevitable accidents. She learned very quickly at 2 though.
Posted by: Dave | January 11, 2007 at 08:35 AM
Long time lurker, first time commenter-I am always out of breath from laughing which is why you haven't heard from me before. Had to walk away from this one for about 20 minutes in order to be able to type again. Love your writing, stories, and pics. I am about 2 years behind you as a parent, but if this is what we have to look forward to, I can't wait, it will be a blast!
Posted by: Carol | January 11, 2007 at 08:40 AM
I don't remember how I stumbled on your blog, MD, but the first post I read was one where you gave a bunch of book recommendations. I took you up on some of them and loved them. Realizing that we had similar tastes in books, I came to learn that we had a similar sense of humor as well. Your wonderful writing has always put a smile on my face (and I don't even have kids!) Thank you.
Posted by: Regina | January 11, 2007 at 08:42 AM